Sexting Got Gross
March 28, 2016 7:32 AM   Subscribe

I have this platonic friend, B. We’re not terribly close but hang out from time to time to talk music and stuff. Nothing at all sexual has happened between us. Yesterday, he texted me and then it suddenly turned into sexting. Except the sexting was pretty gross. I know I don’t want to hang out with him again, but I can’t decide if I should say anything about the sexting, especially since I didn’t at the time. More below.

As I said, we haven’t flirted or made out or anything before. I was somewhat attracted to him but not a huge crush. However, I haven’t had anything of a sex life lately, and I was probably more open to things like sexting (which I usually hate) because of that. He wrote me to say hi and to talk about a piece I’d published online.

Then I’m not even really sure how he got from there to sex in general, and the next thing I knew he was saying that last time he gave me a ride home he kept fantasizing about me giving him a blowjob. I was flattered, though that’s not my favorite sex act, so I wanted to see where the conversation could go.

I didn’t type out all that much because he just kept sending me things that were totally focused on his pleasure, making me feel gross and invisible. I tried to write myself in, writing something about him playing with my clit. He responded that he’d like to play with my clit while I sucked his cock so he could feel me moan. Really, there was no room for me there.

The grossest stuff came at the end. He asked if he could fuck my ass, and I said no. He typed back “so that’s up for future negotiations?” And I said, “No, it’s really not.” He wrote “Bad experience?” and I replied “Let’s just leave it at I don’t want to.” And he didn’t answer that, didn’t sign off, hasn’t written anything to me since.

I know I don’t want B around. What I don’t know is if it’s worth saying anything to him and, if so, what. I feel like he’s not sensitive enough to be receptive to anything I’d say about that, and I don’t know that I would need to say it for myself. But arguments could be made for me either telling him off or just assertively telling him why I was unhappy with yesterday’s exchange. I felt super gross for a long time afterwards and I just don’t know what’s right. I would like to ask that you please refrain from saying what I should have done yesterday—I felt weird but also didn’t want to make a dramatic scene and I went with it, which I regret. But my question is not about what I did wrong, but what the wisest course of action is now.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

I would just let that conversation and my friendship with B die a quiet, uneventful death. Personally I wouldn't reach out to him again, nor would I seek out his company.

If he texts you again and tries to get things going, or wonders why you aren't responding/aren't hanging out with him anymore, you could say something like, "B, even when you were *pretending* you couldn't make room for me in your fantasies. I have no interest in being friends (or especially sleeping with) someone who has so little interest in me or my needs. Bye."
posted by phunniemee at 7:43 AM on March 28, 2016 [26 favorites]

I'm a big fan of pretending that something like that NEVER happened and then not talking to the person for several months, pretending they are a stranger.... It's kind of wimpy but I'm kind of a wimp.
posted by catspajammies at 7:44 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

I think this is an appropriate situation to just ghost the hell out of this situation. Shut off contact and don't respond to anything.
posted by xingcat at 7:45 AM on March 28, 2016 [41 favorites]

I don't think you did anything wrong, and you found out that a friend who's "not terribly close" is a jerk. Just let the friendship go.

I certainly wouldn't ever bring up the sexting, no matter what happens. Just ghost him.
posted by Huck500 at 7:46 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

He didn't have room for your point of view during sexting, why would he have room for it now? "Flag it and move on," i.e., don't spend more of your energy on what happened and don't burden yourself with the obligation of making it right somehow. More useful is to think about how you'd like to respond in the moment (if that's a thing you'd like to do) if it happens again, with anyone. Me? I feel like abruptly and/or proactively refusing to engage with the person at all is a good strategy for this sort of thing. Not my job.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:47 AM on March 28, 2016 [9 favorites]

I'm a little saddened that you think we would judge your behavior. You did nothing wrong! I know that you're probably conditioned to feel defensive, because women are so often blamed for men's bad behavior, but you literally made no bad choices here. In fact, you found out some really valuable information about how he treats women, in a relatively safe way.

The pushing about anal sex is a huge red flag. Everything else is terrible, and that's more terrible. Men who don't respect a "no" are terrible, and anal sex in particular is seen by many men as the ultimate conquest/domination. It just makes me angry on your behalf that a purported friend treated you this way.

The issue is that if you try to say something, he will try to defend himself, and possibly shift the blame onto you, and you obviously don't want to have that argument. Not saying anything is a good option.

If you think you should say something, I like phunniemee's script, although I personally would add something about respecting a "no." And then I would immediately block all contact. I would not want to hear his response. I would not want to see it. The important thing would be to view saying something to do for yourself--that getting a particular type of response from him is not one of your goals. After you say it, he's irrelevant and out of your life.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 7:54 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]

Absolutely ghost him. Do not say anything. He clearly is a self centered pig and anything you say to him would be met with shaming and arguments. You don't owe him an explanation and you don't deserve further harassment for telling him the truth.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would feel exactly the same way. AND YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. As someone else said, I'm so glad you found this out before anything happened.
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

And he didn’t answer that, didn’t sign off, hasn’t written anything to me since.

It sounds like the issue may already be resolved, no? There hasn't been pestering follow-up from this person you say you're not really close with in the first place? If you follow up, it seems like you'll be painted as the pestering one.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you don't want any more contact with him then it is perfectly fine and acceptable to do so. I'm a non-confrontational person so I would probably ghost them if I were in your shoes. Now with this said, if this is a person that you are likely to run into in the near future, I can see the value in proactively telling him your thoughts. That can often not be easy in the heat of the moment.
posted by mmascolino at 8:16 AM on March 28, 2016

In your shoes I would feel gross about it having happened because you entered into the conversation with the expectation of some mutual fun, and instead the guy just used you to masturbate, in a very unpleasant way.

You did nothing wrong, he's a gross jerk, be glad you got to find out what he's about before you did anything real, and don't respond to texts he may send in future (I'm guessing he won't, unless he gets drunk.) And don't enter into conversations with him in real life either. Yuck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:22 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

The only thing I can think of to save this situation, is that one of his gross buddies grabbed his phone and went through his contact list until he found a woman. Then deleted the conversation.

Other than that, this guy just proved himself to be an excrescence that must be scraped off the bottom of your shoe.

Block, unfriend and hope you don't run into him anywhere. If you do, just tell him, "My friends don't address their unwanted attentions on me," and keep on trucking.

You did nothing wrong, you can be nasty with whomever you choose, and if he out-nasties you, it's well within your rights to cut him off without a word.

And MAN does this guy sound like a creep.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2016

Here's a really important thing to know: it is not your job to educate this man. You do not have to explain why his poor behaviour was poor. Doing so isn't going to erase the crappiness of the experience that has passed, and since you don't want to carry on with this, isn't going to improve the quality of a future experience either. You don't owe him an explanation and there isn't a benefit to you providing one, either. I know you want to point your anger at thim, but all that is going to do is get a man to argue with you about how amazing or shit his sexting was, and this argument is highly unlikey to leave you feeling better.

Dude's a douchecanoe. Block him and move on. If you cannot block him, do not respond to him at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]

Let it die uneventfully..he's a Dickinson and your not particularly close so it'll probably go that route anyway. If he pushes you and asks about it just tell him he's a selfish sexter and leave it at that.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 9:46 AM on March 28, 2016

Maybe no course of action is needed again with this guy. It sounds like he made you feel uncomfortable enough that you don't want to talk to him again, which would be totally valid, being that he revealed himself to be a creepy creep. You're right to be mad at the situation, but any further communication with him about this wouldn't help. Easy enough to let him go, and find someone who enjoys a good reciprocal sexting session!
posted by crunchy_cereals at 6:55 PM on March 28, 2016

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