Malodorous Shea Butter on Thin Skin

March 26, 2016 6:38 AM

My dear SO started buying raw Shea butter from a local African shop. She uses it for skin care. To me, it smells like a herd of goats which I find unremittingly repellent. I know that if I say, "Honey, your product has an unpleasant odor," she hears, "You stink." How can I resolve this without hurting her feelings?
posted by Jode to Human Relations (23 answers total)

I think you just need to tell her you do not like the smell of that particular skin care product, could she perhaps look for Shea butter with a different fragrance, nothing against her, just the product. My husband can't stand scented anything or perfume of any sort, I do not take it personally, just don't wear it. Different people have different sensitivity to fragrances and different tastes. I do not think it so awful to tell a partner you prefer she use something different.
posted by mermayd at 6:49 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

How about, while in the bathroom, going over and sniffing the shea butter (the stuff in the jar/bag/what have you, not the stuff on her arm) and saying "this smells different from the other shea butter you've gotten in the past. It actually smalls pretty unpleasant to me. What does it small like to you?"

If she brushes it off, or says it smells just fine to her, say "Could I buy you some more shea butter that smells good to both of us?"

If she is resistant, you could point out that particularly rank-smelling shea butter might actually be rancid. If you're stuck with the existing shea butter, try leaving it open for a few days - that may help dissipate the stench. Alternately, experiment with essential oils you both like to see if you can imbue it with a more pleasing fragrance?

Protip: avoid the characterization of it as smelling like a herd of goats.
posted by arnicae at 6:56 AM on March 26, 2016 [14 favorites]

Cocoa butter smells delicious, get her some and tell her she can make lotion by mixing the two and adding coconut oil. That way it's just as good if not better for her skin and you are being helpful rather than seen in a negative light. Also, it truly smells amazing and will hopefully negate some of the shea butter smell.
posted by lunastellasol at 7:00 AM on March 26, 2016

Ask her to look into refined (aka deodorized) shea butter. Check out places that cater to soap makers for better prices. Some people just don't like the natural scent of shea butter.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:01 AM on March 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

If I had to tell my husband something like that, I would say: yaa know my love? I'm not sure I love how that new Shea butter smells....

I wouldn't mind if he said that to me either.... It's diplomatic I think.
posted by catspajammies at 7:04 AM on March 26, 2016 [6 favorites]

Best answer: My shea butter -- which comes in a jar from a big manufacturer and is probably much more refined -- smells nice or neutral, I can't remember; certainly it's not smelly. I wonder if she isn't actually getting rancid product?

Any gentle "as this stuff goes, this is not my favourite smell" should not be harsh -- focus on the product, sniff that, rather than sniffing her. I would be relieved to know if I was using something smelly. Or just something that grossed out my partner.

Alternatively: buy cocoa butter, start generously giving out full-body massages. Because why would you rub yourself with shea butter if you'd just been rubbed down with cocoa butter? And then you'll create a favourable association with the scent of cocoa butter. And you can say "When you smell like cocoa butter, it makes me think of [insert your style of sexytime talk here]..."
posted by kmennie at 7:32 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, my husband has had to call a foul on a couple of lotions of mine, and the right way to do it is to say [product] has an unappealing smell, is there a way to fix that and still get the desired result?

I get refined shea butter, melt it down, add a few drops of better-smelling scent oil and some coconut and olive/almond oils so that it's just mushy enough to get out of a tub without a fight. As long as I keep the bulk of my supply refrigerated and only keep out a couple weeks' worth at a time, it lasts indefinitely without going rancid.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:39 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]

Gee, I'd just say, "Jeez honey, that smell would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon! PEE-YEWW! "

Why would telling someone a product they were using hurt their feelings?

Also who knows what that stuff is? If she bought it in some unregulated bodega or flea market, it could have harmful ingredients in it.

Go to The Body Ship and buy some NICE smelling Shea butter.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:46 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: L'Occitane sells straight shea butter that smells of nothing. Buy her a tin and tell her that the other stuff must be rancid. Do NOT mention herds of goats.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:49 AM on March 26, 2016 [17 favorites]

Response by poster: Why would telling someone a product they were using hurt their feelings?
You'll just have to trust me on this.
posted by Jode at 8:48 AM on March 26, 2016 [18 favorites]

Best answer: This sounds like a problem with communication, not shea butter. Is this part of a pattern? Does she take any criticism personally? If you said "honey, could you brush your teeth?" would she cry?

I'm like that to a certain extent, and used to be a lot like that. It's not a good quality for someone to have in a relationship: it's hard to bring up any sort of problem or disagreement without the person feeling like a failure, and those problems never get solved. If she has untreated depression or anxiety, that can be a contributing factor.

You'll need to address this pattern with her at some point, and you'll need a lot of cushioning when you bring it up. Something like "Honey, I love you and think you are awesome and want us to be together forever etc. I've noticed that when I tend to bring up things that aren't positive, it upsets you. I don't ever want to hurt your feelings, and I want to be able to talk about problems without hurting you. How can we work this out?" Some of it will be you phrasing things carefully, but she also has to make an effort to assume good intentions on your part.

As for the specific shea butter, I would phrase it like "that smell is distracting to me." Not "bad" or "unpleasant" or even "strong" - in fact, I'd probably deny it if I was talking to someone that sensitive. "Not bad, but it's distracting. And it's just the product; you smell good." And perhaps offer to buy her a similar product with no scent. I wouldn't buy her anything without talking to her first; if you surprise her with a different brand of shea butter she'll probably interpret it as "I stink."
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:18 AM on March 26, 2016 [21 favorites]

The Body Shop also does a shea body butter that smells fine (IMO). They have a lot more varieties, and you could try smelling moringa, cocoa or argan body butters (or any other, it seems that their newest line is English Rose but that tends to give an old lady kind of image so YMMV) and then buy her a gift set.
posted by sukeban at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2016

Response by poster: This sounds like a problem with communication, not shea butter. Both, actually.
posted by Jode at 9:42 AM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]

Shea butter can go off, like any plant-product oil.

Can you maybe approach it that way? "Honey does this smell off to you?" and then as above suggest another version she might like.
posted by bonehead at 10:09 AM on March 26, 2016

You can also try "I like the way *you* smell, and this shea butter you bought covers that up. But look, I got you this lovely neutral scented butter that won't cover up your scent!"
posted by rtha at 10:18 AM on March 26, 2016

Another option for shea butter is From Nature With Love. I used their shea butter and shealoe for years, until I left the US. No scent from the shealoe, and the shea butter had a neutral scent.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 11:18 AM on March 26, 2016

Seconding the L'Occitane pure Shea butter - it's all I use, works brilliantly, and has a very faint (pleasant, clean) scent. I'd call it unscented, but want to be completely clear in case smells in general are tricky.

I am - like your lady - very very sensitive. I was bullied when I was younger, by overly critical parents, snobby peers, and a verbally abusive ex-husband, if that may ring a bell for her too. It's something I'm working on. To my mind, the kindest and most efficient way of accomplishing the throwing out of the stinky lotion would be to buy her a big tub of the L'Occitane, tell her you wanted to treat her to the luxe version of her latest find, having spotted it / read about it / some white lie. And if that doesn't work then a gentle comment about preferring the smell of the "new" one should do the trick.

I agree that the root issue is that she needs to work on overcoming her oversensitivity. For me, recognizing why I react the way I do (I was diagnosed with PTSD) and being with a patient & kind partner have done wonders for me. Recognizing that I don't have to be perfect to be perfectly lovable has made me happier and less prickly/anxious/self-conscious/easily-tearful.

Much appreciation to you for considering and being mindful of your partner's sensitive nature!
posted by pammeke at 1:29 PM on March 26, 2016 [9 favorites]

Seconding pammeke. Everything she said. The L'Occitane Shea butter is heaven, buy a big tub.
posted by pearlybob at 3:31 PM on March 26, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well...if she is wearing the product and you act repelled and mention the goat thing, you are telling her she smells.

Does she smell of it continuously, or just for like an hour when she applies it and it sinks in? If it's for a short period, I'd say just chalk it up to an unpleasant quirk and keep quiet as you probably do/watch/smell like something she finds repellant from time to time. If it bugs you every time you get close, though, I'd just tell her you seem to have a bad reaction to raw shea butter and ask her if she wouldn't mind trying out the refined to see if she likes the results as much.

Tell her her skin is really soft and nice, too.
posted by kapers at 4:38 PM on March 26, 2016

You could say it reminds you too much of something your mother or an old girlfriend wore.

...anybody can feel free to Memail me whenever they need lies.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:10 PM on March 26, 2016 [8 favorites]

Don't just buy something without checking with her first. She may want to keep using it since she paid for it. If she expresses reluctance to get a new jar, you could ask if you can buy one for her, but still let her pick it out. Lotions can be a very personal decision.
posted by soelo at 8:50 AM on March 28, 2016

There are several places on the net that have Shea Oil for sale and it is not supposed to smell like the unprocessed butter. It is supposed to have all the befits of Shea butter.
posted by exring at 8:38 AM on May 19, 2016

Response by poster: Thanks for all your advice.
Madame opted for Oréal Shea Body Cream, which, while not odor free, is a vast improvement over that other nasty stuff.
My herd-of-goats characterization was hyperbolous -- but only by degree. For whatever reasons, this stuff is distinctly, markedly, redolently goaty.
As for communication, we struggle on. It is not always easy, but it is often possible.
posted by Jode at 6:56 AM on May 25, 2016