Is my Dad invited to Easter dinner with the family? How to inquire?
March 23, 2016 7:14 AM Subscribe
I received a Facebook message from relatives inviting me to their Easter gathering. I assumed my dad had been invited and would be going as well, so I opted in. The thing is... he hasn't been invited yet, and is adamant that I don't check with them to see if he's allowed to come because doing so would embarrass him. How do I navigate these holiday shenanigans, and how do I phrase it if I decide to inquire into this matter?
At first I chalked the lack of an invite to it being an honest mistake, as my dad isn't on Facebook and that's how the invitations were sent. I figured it was possible that they assumed he would just come, since his brothers were invited (through Facebook). Also, he's struggling with mental illness and tends to get paranoid.
My dad, however, is confident that he wasn't invited, and doesn't want to bring up the issue himself; he doesn't even want me to ask for him whether or not he was invited, since it would embarrass him. He revealed to me that he had an outburst at their house a few years back, and has refused to broach the issue ever since. I wasn't able to attend for the past few years, so I didn't know about this incident.
To be honest - I wouldn't hold it against the extended family if he wasn't invited, as he's the type to make colossal bridge-burning faux pas; I myself have struggled in maintaining a relationship with him throughout the years. But why would they invite me alone, knowing that it would possibly create tension if my dad wasn't invited as well? If they really didn't want my dad to come, I would have to cancel the plans with my extended family and meet up with him instead, as he takes priority.
All things considered, I'm leaning towards checking with the host as to whether or not he was invited. The only thing that's holding me back is the possibility that my dad really did do something outrageous at their house, and my asking would guilt them into saying he could come (even though they would be uncomfortable with having him there). And again, my dad doesn't want me to ask.
If I was to ask - which I would have to do ASAP - I'm not sure how to phrase the question. Asking if my dad is invited just feels... awkward. I already asked one of my uncles if he knew anything, but he said he didn't know for sure and that I should ask the host myself. I'd probably bring up the issue through a Facebook message, as I'd feel even more uncomfortable dealing with this on the phone.
Do you think it's a good idea to check in with the host, despite my dad's reservations? If so, how do I broach this without making it awkward for both of us? All I can think of at the moment is something like "Thanks for the invite! Just checking in to see if my dad was invited as well" or something like that.
Thanks in advance.
At first I chalked the lack of an invite to it being an honest mistake, as my dad isn't on Facebook and that's how the invitations were sent. I figured it was possible that they assumed he would just come, since his brothers were invited (through Facebook). Also, he's struggling with mental illness and tends to get paranoid.
My dad, however, is confident that he wasn't invited, and doesn't want to bring up the issue himself; he doesn't even want me to ask for him whether or not he was invited, since it would embarrass him. He revealed to me that he had an outburst at their house a few years back, and has refused to broach the issue ever since. I wasn't able to attend for the past few years, so I didn't know about this incident.
To be honest - I wouldn't hold it against the extended family if he wasn't invited, as he's the type to make colossal bridge-burning faux pas; I myself have struggled in maintaining a relationship with him throughout the years. But why would they invite me alone, knowing that it would possibly create tension if my dad wasn't invited as well? If they really didn't want my dad to come, I would have to cancel the plans with my extended family and meet up with him instead, as he takes priority.
All things considered, I'm leaning towards checking with the host as to whether or not he was invited. The only thing that's holding me back is the possibility that my dad really did do something outrageous at their house, and my asking would guilt them into saying he could come (even though they would be uncomfortable with having him there). And again, my dad doesn't want me to ask.
If I was to ask - which I would have to do ASAP - I'm not sure how to phrase the question. Asking if my dad is invited just feels... awkward. I already asked one of my uncles if he knew anything, but he said he didn't know for sure and that I should ask the host myself. I'd probably bring up the issue through a Facebook message, as I'd feel even more uncomfortable dealing with this on the phone.
Do you think it's a good idea to check in with the host, despite my dad's reservations? If so, how do I broach this without making it awkward for both of us? All I can think of at the moment is something like "Thanks for the invite! Just checking in to see if my dad was invited as well" or something like that.
Thanks in advance.
Are you an adult? Are you living separately from your dad? If the answer to either of these is yes, then you don't get an opinion on whether he is invited.
Family dinners are not an all-or-nothing shindig; sometimes people are absent because of travel, or scheduling, or because they've behaved in a way that makes them not welcome. That doesn't mean that the rest of the family can't still get together. The only one creating tension is you, since your father seems to think it a given that he is not invited. Drop it.
posted by Liesl at 7:23 AM on March 23, 2016 [4 favorites]
Family dinners are not an all-or-nothing shindig; sometimes people are absent because of travel, or scheduling, or because they've behaved in a way that makes them not welcome. That doesn't mean that the rest of the family can't still get together. The only one creating tension is you, since your father seems to think it a given that he is not invited. Drop it.
posted by Liesl at 7:23 AM on March 23, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'd probably say something like, "Thanks for the invite! Just checking in to see if my dad is invited. I completely understand if he's not - I just wasn't sure since he isn't on Facebook and that is how the invites were sent. Thank you!" That way it is clear you are really just checking and not trying to passive aggressively get him invited. It makes it easy for the host to just say "I'm sorry, but he is not invited." without feeling too awkward since you preemptively made it clear that's an acceptable answer. If he's invited, then you can just fib and tell your dad that the host reached out to you and extended him an invite.
posted by gatorae at 7:23 AM on March 23, 2016 [37 favorites]
posted by gatorae at 7:23 AM on March 23, 2016 [37 favorites]
I might call the organizer and say, "I'm so sorry to cancel on you, but we really wanted to spend the holiday with Dad. Maybe next time."
That way you've arranged to spend the time with your Dad, without fishing for an invitation for him. If the host says, "Of COURSE your father is invited, please let him know he's welcome," then you can take that info back to him. If the host says, "I totally understand, another time then." Well...there's your answer.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:26 AM on March 23, 2016 [56 favorites]
That way you've arranged to spend the time with your Dad, without fishing for an invitation for him. If the host says, "Of COURSE your father is invited, please let him know he's welcome," then you can take that info back to him. If the host says, "I totally understand, another time then." Well...there's your answer.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:26 AM on March 23, 2016 [56 favorites]
If he was invited, would your Dad want to go? I think you have to know for sure he would go if he was invited, because IMO it would be weird if they say he's invited and then he doesn't even come. Beyond that, I tend to agree with Liesl that it sounds like maybe Dad wasn't invited for a specific reason and you should just drop this. All parties involved are grown-up and seem to be handling themselves well.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:27 AM on March 23, 2016
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:27 AM on March 23, 2016
Like ThePinkSuperhero says, does he even want to attend? If yes, maybe you could check with the hosts via a small white lie: "I wanted to check to see if Dad is also attending, since I was thinking of offering him a ride over to your place".
posted by easily confused at 7:32 AM on March 23, 2016
posted by easily confused at 7:32 AM on March 23, 2016
Response by poster: I may have understated how paranoid my father can get. He thinks a lot of things in his life are givens and inescapable, and is more often than not incorrect. I think there is at least a decent possibility that they made a mistake or just assume he doesn't want to come. I've seen him misinterpret completely innocuous comments as attacks against his character. I think this has a lot to do with his mental illness and black-or-white thinking.
Then again, he does tend to put his foot in his mouth so I would wager it's a coin flip as to whether or not they intentionally didn't invite him. I think cancelling and saying I would be spending Easter with my Dad come off as guilt-trippy as well if he wasn't invited, as everyone in the family would be there except for him.
posted by CottonCandyCapers at 7:33 AM on March 23, 2016
Then again, he does tend to put his foot in his mouth so I would wager it's a coin flip as to whether or not they intentionally didn't invite him. I think cancelling and saying I would be spending Easter with my Dad come off as guilt-trippy as well if he wasn't invited, as everyone in the family would be there except for him.
posted by CottonCandyCapers at 7:33 AM on March 23, 2016
Ugh, my family gets up to this sort of thing occasionally -- we're all guessers, rather than askers -- and shit gets uncomfortable and nobody knows wtf is going on or why, exactly.
My wife's family are all askers, and when she sees me settling into the old routine, trying to read the tea leaves about who is pissed off at whom, and why, she gives me a little nudge. Just ask.
posted by notyou at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2016 [12 favorites]
My wife's family are all askers, and when she sees me settling into the old routine, trying to read the tea leaves about who is pissed off at whom, and why, she gives me a little nudge. Just ask.
posted by notyou at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2016 [12 favorites]
It sounds like, even if he were invited, you both might enjoy spending the time together one on one. You and your Dad never know how he might react to some perceived family slight, whether the old incident will come up, etc. Sounds stress inducing as it is. I would use Ruthless Bunny's script and if they come back with "No, no, you're both invited" your dad can then decide if he is up for it.
posted by AugustWest at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
But why would they invite me alone, knowing that it would possibly create tension if my dad wasn't invited as well?
To me, that is the thing-- if they are inviting you and not him, they are making a point and you might as well ask them about it. They may just extend an invitation at that stage, but I would try to dig a little deeper. If your dad is paranoid, he's going have some idea whether a belated invitation came because you pressed the issue in some way. And if they really are cutting your dad off, that is a useful piece of information to have and proceed with.
If it was just a mistake or an oversight, that is a different matter and hopefully you can make the choice to go, or not, on that basis.
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on March 23, 2016
To me, that is the thing-- if they are inviting you and not him, they are making a point and you might as well ask them about it. They may just extend an invitation at that stage, but I would try to dig a little deeper. If your dad is paranoid, he's going have some idea whether a belated invitation came because you pressed the issue in some way. And if they really are cutting your dad off, that is a useful piece of information to have and proceed with.
If it was just a mistake or an oversight, that is a different matter and hopefully you can make the choice to go, or not, on that basis.
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on March 23, 2016
Best answer: I think you may be making this a bigger issue than it needs to be. "I'd love to come to this affair, but I always like to spend Easter with Dad. Has he been invited? NBD if not; I just want to make sure I adjust my plans accordingly, if need be."
So many huge family (and non-family) fights start with simple misunderstandings that could be taken care of if someone would just ask.
posted by xingcat at 8:09 AM on March 23, 2016 [16 favorites]
So many huge family (and non-family) fights start with simple misunderstandings that could be taken care of if someone would just ask.
posted by xingcat at 8:09 AM on March 23, 2016 [16 favorites]
There are two different ways of phrasing this, one being "is he invited?" the other being "is it okay if I bring Dad with me?", more asking about bringing a guest. That does circumvent getting a direct answer to the do they actually want him there or not that's feeding your dad's paranoia, and I could see that being a nice thing to avoid, or I could see it adding fuel to his worry. You know the situation better, but I thought I'd suggest alternative ways of asking.
posted by aimedwander at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just ask.
There's nothing worse than these presumed slights that build and build and no one every just *talks* to anyone about things.
I've been the hostess in a situation like this, and had to hear 3rd or 4th hand that my MIL was all in a huff because I had not personally invited her to a gathering (that she had always been welcome at before) that I did informal grape-vine type invites for. Luckily, I found out about her tantruming about a week before and gave her the "honor" of a personal call but she seriously would have skipped coming to a holiday meal at her son's house because she heard about it from her sister instead of me.
In some ways, this is the downside of society's transition away from formal invitations for most things. Back in the Emily Post days, if you didn't get a written invitation, you weren't invited, so the hosts had to put a lot of mental energy into making sure they had their guest lists sorted. Nowadays, people like to at least give the impression that they are "open to everyone" and don't keep things as buttoned down, but it leads to situations where people who expect to be invited, might not actually get explicitly invited and Ask vs. Guess wierdness abounds.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:20 AM on March 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
There's nothing worse than these presumed slights that build and build and no one every just *talks* to anyone about things.
I've been the hostess in a situation like this, and had to hear 3rd or 4th hand that my MIL was all in a huff because I had not personally invited her to a gathering (that she had always been welcome at before) that I did informal grape-vine type invites for. Luckily, I found out about her tantruming about a week before and gave her the "honor" of a personal call but she seriously would have skipped coming to a holiday meal at her son's house because she heard about it from her sister instead of me.
In some ways, this is the downside of society's transition away from formal invitations for most things. Back in the Emily Post days, if you didn't get a written invitation, you weren't invited, so the hosts had to put a lot of mental energy into making sure they had their guest lists sorted. Nowadays, people like to at least give the impression that they are "open to everyone" and don't keep things as buttoned down, but it leads to situations where people who expect to be invited, might not actually get explicitly invited and Ask vs. Guess wierdness abounds.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:20 AM on March 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
This is actually kind of a big deal, because it is a wonderful opportunity to either get confirmation that your dad really did burn his bridges with that side of the family; or to find out that nobody is holding it against him and that it's time to put that discomfort behind him.
Take advantage of the opportunity. Call the hostess and use some of the excellent wording suggested above, along the lines of "hi, thank you so much for the invitation. I wasn't sure if you had meant to invite dad; of course it's fine if you didn't, I know your space must be limited*, I just wasn't sure, since I got the invitation on FB and he doesn't have an account."
*don't say this if it's likely to be interpreted as a slam on her house's size... just give her some sort of "out"
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:35 AM on March 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
Take advantage of the opportunity. Call the hostess and use some of the excellent wording suggested above, along the lines of "hi, thank you so much for the invitation. I wasn't sure if you had meant to invite dad; of course it's fine if you didn't, I know your space must be limited*, I just wasn't sure, since I got the invitation on FB and he doesn't have an account."
*don't say this if it's likely to be interpreted as a slam on her house's size... just give her some sort of "out"
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:35 AM on March 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your dad doesn't get to tell you how you handle things. Ask them.
posted by zippy at 9:04 AM on March 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by zippy at 9:04 AM on March 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
my dad doesn't want me to ask.
Part of having good boundaries with a family member with a mental illness is being able to set boundaries around what is a normative thing for you to be able to do (i.e. ask about an invitation which affects you as well as him) without having their disordered thinking create the norms that you all live by. I would phrase a polite question or just decide you want to spend the holiday with just your dad and you. So agreed, make sure you don't seem to be saying "Can I bring him, regardless of invite status?" but more "I'm not sure I'm understanding this correctly, this invitation is for just me?" or something.
posted by jessamyn at 9:16 AM on March 23, 2016 [17 favorites]
Part of having good boundaries with a family member with a mental illness is being able to set boundaries around what is a normative thing for you to be able to do (i.e. ask about an invitation which affects you as well as him) without having their disordered thinking create the norms that you all live by. I would phrase a polite question or just decide you want to spend the holiday with just your dad and you. So agreed, make sure you don't seem to be saying "Can I bring him, regardless of invite status?" but more "I'm not sure I'm understanding this correctly, this invitation is for just me?" or something.
posted by jessamyn at 9:16 AM on March 23, 2016 [17 favorites]
He's your dad. He's mentally ill, and his illness manifests in a way that prevents him from doing this for himself. In this circumstance, you can ask questions to clarify things and help him understand. Call you aunt and ask. Don't be coercive, but inquiring. "Hey, thanks for the invite. I'd love to see you. My dad isn't on Facebook and I wasn't sure if you intended to include him. Dad mentioned that something happened a few years ago, and I wanted to check." There's a reasonable chance that your dad remembers the incident differently than your relatives.
It'll be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but do it for the family. Slights, especially for someone with paranoia, become boiling cauldrons. Instead of letting this fester, you are lancing wound and draining the poison.
posted by 26.2 at 10:03 AM on March 23, 2016 [11 favorites]
It'll be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but do it for the family. Slights, especially for someone with paranoia, become boiling cauldrons. Instead of letting this fester, you are lancing wound and draining the poison.
posted by 26.2 at 10:03 AM on March 23, 2016 [11 favorites]
You're going to have to be honest with your aunt and come right out and ask.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:07 AM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:07 AM on March 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
Even if they did assume that he would come with you, it doesn't sound like the right place for him right now. Just go alone and cut out early to be with your dad. But don't cancel all together. You need more family than just your father.
If your dad wants to go then he can call the host up and find out if he is invited or if he needs to apologize for the past error. If he is not healthy enough to do this then he is not healthy enough to attend. It's a hard line but one you must enforce. The only way to survive a loved one's mental illness is to develop strong boundaries so that you can love them without them destroying you.
Go see your family and have a nice time. You need this.
posted by myselfasme at 10:51 AM on March 23, 2016
If your dad wants to go then he can call the host up and find out if he is invited or if he needs to apologize for the past error. If he is not healthy enough to do this then he is not healthy enough to attend. It's a hard line but one you must enforce. The only way to survive a loved one's mental illness is to develop strong boundaries so that you can love them without them destroying you.
Go see your family and have a nice time. You need this.
posted by myselfasme at 10:51 AM on March 23, 2016
Your dad clearly doesn't want to go.
Just go without him.
No need to ask anyone anything.
posted by quincunx at 12:33 PM on March 23, 2016
Just go without him.
No need to ask anyone anything.
posted by quincunx at 12:33 PM on March 23, 2016
Response by poster: My dad's paranoia loses to reality yet again - I just asked through a FB message - host said "of course your dad's invited, we were planning to get in touch but didn't have his Facebook!"
Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice!
posted by CottonCandyCapers at 2:07 PM on March 23, 2016 [34 favorites]
Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice!
posted by CottonCandyCapers at 2:07 PM on March 23, 2016 [34 favorites]
So glad it worked out.
I always err on the side of caution and ask! You know what they say about assuming!
It's your family, if they were going to be offended by you asking if your dad is invited and not want you to come, then I'm not sure they are the kind of family you'd want to be with anyway.
Going forward, just relax and ask. Better to get confirmation than to live with unnecessary resentment.
Hope you and your dad have a great time!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 2:26 AM on March 24, 2016
I always err on the side of caution and ask! You know what they say about assuming!
It's your family, if they were going to be offended by you asking if your dad is invited and not want you to come, then I'm not sure they are the kind of family you'd want to be with anyway.
Going forward, just relax and ask. Better to get confirmation than to live with unnecessary resentment.
Hope you and your dad have a great time!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 2:26 AM on March 24, 2016
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I got a rightfully snippy note from my aunt recently when our holiday letter included news of her six-month-old niece, which was the first she was hearing about it, because we'd announced it on Facebook, and she isn't on Facebook. I don't blame her at all for being annoyed at not being told, but it honestly never occurred to me that anyone I know isn't on Facebook these days.
So drop the organizers a line and say "Hey, is my dad invited? He's not on FB, so I was just checking..."
posted by Etrigan at 7:21 AM on March 23, 2016 [15 favorites]