Marriage Filter: How do you handle an inheritance?
March 17, 2016 8:58 AM Subscribe
Please help me navigate the waters of handling an inheritance. Question inside.
This is a straightforward question but I haven't found straightforward answers, hoping hivemind can share experience/anecdata or advice is welcome.
My husband and I got married a few years ago. One month in we got pregnant, bought a house, hooray. Eight months in my mother unexpectedly passed away and left me a chunk of money.
Two years into the marriage and now two kids later (we've been twice blessed) there's been several times I've used the inheritance to pay for big things that either we hadn't anticipated needing (home repairs, etc. ) or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money.
Every time our joint account dwindles, it feels like he expects me to use inheritance money to replenish.
He had more money than I going into the marriage but when the inheritance came it seems I have more money. Yet it doesn't feel fair that every time a large expense comes or our joint account begins to dwindle (having a second child will do that) that I have to cover it.
We both earn approximately the same amount of money; both kids are in daycare.
While we have a joint account that pays for all family expenses, we both maintain a personal account.
I want to understand how couples deal when one person in the couple receives a windfall of money or inheritance. Our couples counselor and our financial advisor have recommended that we join all of our bank accounts so that this problem disappears. But because my husband doesn't seem to want to pool his money with me, I am not eager to do so. I am hesitant as well to pool everything. Luckily, he is not a big spender at all, he is a really good person, so I don't believe he is trying necessarily profit off of my windfall, or mistrust him, however I feel there's a certain unfairness going on where I am expected to use my inheritance as default to pay for big expenses when he has resources as well.
Hope this makes sense, appreciate any insight or direction to websites that provide helpful information on this topic.
This is a straightforward question but I haven't found straightforward answers, hoping hivemind can share experience/anecdata or advice is welcome.
My husband and I got married a few years ago. One month in we got pregnant, bought a house, hooray. Eight months in my mother unexpectedly passed away and left me a chunk of money.
Two years into the marriage and now two kids later (we've been twice blessed) there's been several times I've used the inheritance to pay for big things that either we hadn't anticipated needing (home repairs, etc. ) or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money.
Every time our joint account dwindles, it feels like he expects me to use inheritance money to replenish.
He had more money than I going into the marriage but when the inheritance came it seems I have more money. Yet it doesn't feel fair that every time a large expense comes or our joint account begins to dwindle (having a second child will do that) that I have to cover it.
We both earn approximately the same amount of money; both kids are in daycare.
While we have a joint account that pays for all family expenses, we both maintain a personal account.
I want to understand how couples deal when one person in the couple receives a windfall of money or inheritance. Our couples counselor and our financial advisor have recommended that we join all of our bank accounts so that this problem disappears. But because my husband doesn't seem to want to pool his money with me, I am not eager to do so. I am hesitant as well to pool everything. Luckily, he is not a big spender at all, he is a really good person, so I don't believe he is trying necessarily profit off of my windfall, or mistrust him, however I feel there's a certain unfairness going on where I am expected to use my inheritance as default to pay for big expenses when he has resources as well.
Hope this makes sense, appreciate any insight or direction to websites that provide helpful information on this topic.
With any kind of question like this the answers are going to be individual.
I know what I would do.
I'd follow Dave ramsey's baby steps.
I'd also not look at that inheritance as mine, but rather as "ours." You're married. Your debts are his, and his yours. Same with your assets. You can look at it differently though.
So depending where you are on the steps, that would answer how I'd treat that cash.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:10 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I know what I would do.
I'd follow Dave ramsey's baby steps.
I'd also not look at that inheritance as mine, but rather as "ours." You're married. Your debts are his, and his yours. Same with your assets. You can look at it differently though.
So depending where you are on the steps, that would answer how I'd treat that cash.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:10 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
What if you put the inheritance in some kind of trust for your children, so that you and your husband can't touch it at all?
I feel like this highly depends on what state you live in. if you live in a community property state, the idea that there is "your" money and "his" money is really only in your minds.
It does seem unfair that he wants to keep separate accounts but treat your windfall as a wholly joint asset. But what concerns me most is that it doesn't seem like the two of you actually have a budget that can handle expected and unexpected expenses. Do you two have joint savings? A joint emergency fund?
posted by muddgirl at 9:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [20 favorites]
I feel like this highly depends on what state you live in. if you live in a community property state, the idea that there is "your" money and "his" money is really only in your minds.
It does seem unfair that he wants to keep separate accounts but treat your windfall as a wholly joint asset. But what concerns me most is that it doesn't seem like the two of you actually have a budget that can handle expected and unexpected expenses. Do you two have joint savings? A joint emergency fund?
posted by muddgirl at 9:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [20 favorites]
It's odd to me that your counselor and financial person both recommend what you both clearly don't want. There are plenty of couples who deal with money separately, and if that's what you both want and are more comfortable with, that's absolutely what you should do. Maybe it's time for a different counselor, who listens to what you want.
It seems obvious to me that the joint account should pay for even large joint expenses, and your contributions should go according to that. It may have been easier to write a big check from the inheritance in the moment, but that should be evened out eventually. What does your husband say about this? Is it possible he meant to even out the spending and contributions, but hasn't remembered or gotten there yet? Or does he actually think you should pay more? His opinion is pretty important here, and it's missing from your question.
For reference, as long as inheritances are kept separate from pooled money, they are usually not pooled and split in a divorce. Not saying you're there -- but that's a perspective on a standard approach to inheritance money.
Reading your past questions -- you've had a LOT of burdens, including birthing two children, on your shoulders lately. Could this all be contributing to you feeling like you're putting in more (money, effort) than him?
posted by Dashy at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
It seems obvious to me that the joint account should pay for even large joint expenses, and your contributions should go according to that. It may have been easier to write a big check from the inheritance in the moment, but that should be evened out eventually. What does your husband say about this? Is it possible he meant to even out the spending and contributions, but hasn't remembered or gotten there yet? Or does he actually think you should pay more? His opinion is pretty important here, and it's missing from your question.
For reference, as long as inheritances are kept separate from pooled money, they are usually not pooled and split in a divorce. Not saying you're there -- but that's a perspective on a standard approach to inheritance money.
Reading your past questions -- you've had a LOT of burdens, including birthing two children, on your shoulders lately. Could this all be contributing to you feeling like you're putting in more (money, effort) than him?
posted by Dashy at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2016 [11 favorites]
You haven't been married very long and many big life changes have happened all at once. Have you ever been to counseling? I think most couples could use a sort of "counselor on retainer" arrangement, even if their reationship is great. Life is long and difficult and hurdles will inevitably arise.
One possible (maybe extreme or unfeasible, but practical) thing you can do is wrap up your inheritance money in an asset like property or investments. If you do not ever convert this to "marital property" then it should remain solely your asset. Or put it in an account for your kids.
Another idea is to give him/the joint account a one time lump sum payment and that's it. The rest is invested and gone, period.
Is he the one running up these "unforeseen expenses"? Are they truly totally impartial acts of God/nature? (I.E., he didn't hire an expensive roof fixer without consulting you, he didn't let the roof go and make the problem worse, whatever.) If he bears any sort of responsibility at all, I think that is a fair point to raise. And I think in general people choose less expensive solutions to problems when it's their earned income that they're spending. You say he's not a big spender so YMMV.
posted by quincunx at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2016
One possible (maybe extreme or unfeasible, but practical) thing you can do is wrap up your inheritance money in an asset like property or investments. If you do not ever convert this to "marital property" then it should remain solely your asset. Or put it in an account for your kids.
Another idea is to give him/the joint account a one time lump sum payment and that's it. The rest is invested and gone, period.
Is he the one running up these "unforeseen expenses"? Are they truly totally impartial acts of God/nature? (I.E., he didn't hire an expensive roof fixer without consulting you, he didn't let the roof go and make the problem worse, whatever.) If he bears any sort of responsibility at all, I think that is a fair point to raise. And I think in general people choose less expensive solutions to problems when it's their earned income that they're spending. You say he's not a big spender so YMMV.
posted by quincunx at 9:16 AM on March 17, 2016
Oops, my bad, I missed the "couples counselor" in the OP. I will echo that you should get a new one if this one is giving you advice you're not comfortable with.
posted by quincunx at 9:21 AM on March 17, 2016
posted by quincunx at 9:21 AM on March 17, 2016
You asked for websites, so here's my favorite: bogleheads.org, where joint vs. pooled money is a recurring question, so there's some opinions to consider!
posted by Dashy at 9:27 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Dashy at 9:27 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your counselor and financial advisor are correct. Two separate professionals have told you the same thing, you should listen to them. You're married with a home and children, you are a unit. Things would be infinitely simpler if you both put all your funds into the joint account. I really can't see any reason for separate finances, especially when there isn't a big income disparity between you.
If he doesn't want to join finances that's a bad sign IMO. He doesn't want to share what he sees as HIS money. What happens if one of you loses your job? Given that you're intent in keeping separate finances and that you make similar amounts of money then all "big expenses" should be split equally. It sounds like you both "have money" and also that you don't know how much money he actually has. If he wants separate finances he has to take the bad along with the good - that inheritance is yours and yours alone. All unexpected expenses are shared. Expenses he agreed to pay for out of his money should be paid for by his money, he doesn't get to commit to an expense then pull out of paying for it and have you use your inheritance (seriously, wtf?!).
If it were me, I'd make him pay into the joint account the value of everything that he'd agreed to pay for then changed his mind and had you pay for plus half of every other big expense but you may not want to get so adversarial about it. Going forward though, all expenses should be split equally (or however you usually split regular expenses).
Bottom line, if he wants to spend your money, you get to spend his. If he wants to keep his money separate then so do you.
posted by missmagenta at 9:30 AM on March 17, 2016 [24 favorites]
If he doesn't want to join finances that's a bad sign IMO. He doesn't want to share what he sees as HIS money. What happens if one of you loses your job? Given that you're intent in keeping separate finances and that you make similar amounts of money then all "big expenses" should be split equally. It sounds like you both "have money" and also that you don't know how much money he actually has. If he wants separate finances he has to take the bad along with the good - that inheritance is yours and yours alone. All unexpected expenses are shared. Expenses he agreed to pay for out of his money should be paid for by his money, he doesn't get to commit to an expense then pull out of paying for it and have you use your inheritance (seriously, wtf?!).
If it were me, I'd make him pay into the joint account the value of everything that he'd agreed to pay for then changed his mind and had you pay for plus half of every other big expense but you may not want to get so adversarial about it. Going forward though, all expenses should be split equally (or however you usually split regular expenses).
Bottom line, if he wants to spend your money, you get to spend his. If he wants to keep his money separate then so do you.
posted by missmagenta at 9:30 AM on March 17, 2016 [24 favorites]
IMHO
When you get married you become one financial entity. If you wouldn't combine a bank account with a person, you shouldn't combine DNA to have children and you shouldn't get married.
You pool your money, you buy insurance to protect each other and your family and everything is 100% transparent.
Money that comes into the marriage is a marital asset. Philosophically. I had a friend who inherited a chunk of dough and she was divorcing her husband and took steps to make sure he didn't get a bite at it out of the marital assets. You may want to find out by researching the marital property laws in your state.
Your inheritance should be used as part of a financial foundation for your family's future. Perhaps it's college for your children, or an emergency fund, or it's money to blow on a wild vacation. Whatever it is, you decide as one half of a couple. If you didn't have this money, you might have used credit you have together with your husband, to bail yourself out of financial situations. You both would have been responsible for that debt. Luckily, you had your money.
Money is a substitute for other issues in a marriage. WHY doesn't your husband want to pool your money? THAT's the issue here.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2016 [9 favorites]
When you get married you become one financial entity. If you wouldn't combine a bank account with a person, you shouldn't combine DNA to have children and you shouldn't get married.
You pool your money, you buy insurance to protect each other and your family and everything is 100% transparent.
Money that comes into the marriage is a marital asset. Philosophically. I had a friend who inherited a chunk of dough and she was divorcing her husband and took steps to make sure he didn't get a bite at it out of the marital assets. You may want to find out by researching the marital property laws in your state.
Your inheritance should be used as part of a financial foundation for your family's future. Perhaps it's college for your children, or an emergency fund, or it's money to blow on a wild vacation. Whatever it is, you decide as one half of a couple. If you didn't have this money, you might have used credit you have together with your husband, to bail yourself out of financial situations. You both would have been responsible for that debt. Luckily, you had your money.
Money is a substitute for other issues in a marriage. WHY doesn't your husband want to pool your money? THAT's the issue here.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2016 [9 favorites]
Put the money into a short term CD (1 year?) while you hash out why there are double standards in your relationship and until you can agree on a team approach to money that you both believe equitable.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:42 AM on March 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 9:42 AM on March 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
When you get married you become one financial entity. If you wouldn't combine a bank account with a person, you shouldn't combine DNA to have children and you shouldn't get married.
This is nonsense, and quite frankly, a bit insulting.
I agree that there's a reason behind you not wanting to share your inheritance with him. That bears some looking at. There's a difference between wanting to have some say over your inheritance and refusing to share it with your husband completely. I can't quite tell where you're at here.
I think the answer to your question depends on a few things:
What do you want to do with it?
What do you use your joint checking for? My husband and I have a joint checking account, and a shared credit card, but everything else is separate. We don't keep any money in joint checking, it's just how we pay the bills (including the credit card) – money goes in and comes right back out.
I once won a nice chunk of change – not inheritance amounts but enough. We both made a list of what we wanted to do with it, in priority order, from totally outlandish to completely practical. We didn't share the lists till we were both done. First we compared to see if there were any duplicates and how they ranked, priority-wise. Then we talked through the rest, and came to an agreement.
Were I you, I would NOT just dump it into joint checking because we would fritter it away. If we couldn't decide what to do with it, I would probably put it in a short-term CD or something until we decided. We are not savers. I have a savings account that we use for Christmas, vacations, things like that because I am better at – but not great at – leaving that money alone. So I tend to think we would pay off some big bills, get work done on the house, or anything else that would benefit us as a family.
posted by lyssabee at 9:42 AM on March 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
This is nonsense, and quite frankly, a bit insulting.
I agree that there's a reason behind you not wanting to share your inheritance with him. That bears some looking at. There's a difference between wanting to have some say over your inheritance and refusing to share it with your husband completely. I can't quite tell where you're at here.
I think the answer to your question depends on a few things:
What do you want to do with it?
What do you use your joint checking for? My husband and I have a joint checking account, and a shared credit card, but everything else is separate. We don't keep any money in joint checking, it's just how we pay the bills (including the credit card) – money goes in and comes right back out.
I once won a nice chunk of change – not inheritance amounts but enough. We both made a list of what we wanted to do with it, in priority order, from totally outlandish to completely practical. We didn't share the lists till we were both done. First we compared to see if there were any duplicates and how they ranked, priority-wise. Then we talked through the rest, and came to an agreement.
Were I you, I would NOT just dump it into joint checking because we would fritter it away. If we couldn't decide what to do with it, I would probably put it in a short-term CD or something until we decided. We are not savers. I have a savings account that we use for Christmas, vacations, things like that because I am better at – but not great at – leaving that money alone. So I tend to think we would pay off some big bills, get work done on the house, or anything else that would benefit us as a family.
posted by lyssabee at 9:42 AM on March 17, 2016 [19 favorites]
This is all going to be entirely individual about what you two are comfortable with. But if anecdata helps, we've experienced this twice in my relationship, with each of us getting the windfall once. In both cases, the person getting the windfall used a chunk of it to pay off debt (credit card or student loans), did some nice thing for both of us (a really fancy dinner once and covering travel expenses for a shared vacation the other time, if I recall correctly), and slapped the rest in their personal savings.
When things like home repairs come up, the assumption is generally that we'll split down the middle if we can, and if that's a big squeeze for one of us we'll see if the other can chip in more, with the understanding that at some future similar situation, the split will go the other way. This works for us, but if it were routinely a problem I imagine we'd try to figure out something different, maybe with the help of a counselor.
It sounds like you need a big picture discussion about what your joint account is *for*, if you're unexpectedly running it down enough that you have to refill it from individual savings, and maybe that would guide what should happen with windfalls.
posted by Stacey at 9:49 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
When things like home repairs come up, the assumption is generally that we'll split down the middle if we can, and if that's a big squeeze for one of us we'll see if the other can chip in more, with the understanding that at some future similar situation, the split will go the other way. This works for us, but if it were routinely a problem I imagine we'd try to figure out something different, maybe with the help of a counselor.
It sounds like you need a big picture discussion about what your joint account is *for*, if you're unexpectedly running it down enough that you have to refill it from individual savings, and maybe that would guide what should happen with windfalls.
posted by Stacey at 9:49 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
There is no absolute "right" answer with pooling money or not - I know successful couples that have shared everything and ones that have kept separate pools and then used a shared account for mutual costs.
The way he's treating you is not fair; if he's the one driving not pooling everything, then he needs to step up to the plate and start footing shared costs.
he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money
How exactly is this happening? That's a worrying sign if he's establishing a pattern of agreeing to pay for something and then reneging on it. It may not be malicious or intentional on his part, but it needs to stop, and is likely something that's best to work through with the counselor ahead of time rather than on the spot when it happens next.
posted by Candleman at 9:59 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The way he's treating you is not fair; if he's the one driving not pooling everything, then he needs to step up to the plate and start footing shared costs.
he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money
How exactly is this happening? That's a worrying sign if he's establishing a pattern of agreeing to pay for something and then reneging on it. It may not be malicious or intentional on his part, but it needs to stop, and is likely something that's best to work through with the counselor ahead of time rather than on the spot when it happens next.
posted by Candleman at 9:59 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
In a perfect world, spouses would combine finances and never disagree on how to spend them. And people would never ever get divorced, and unicorns would also be real.
Look, if you're both just ordinary middle class people with the same income, then sure, there is not an immediately compelling reason not to combine all accounts.
But there are good reasons for not all marriages to go the 100% joint money route. People change. What if, God forbid, he becomes abusive? What if you really NEED a separate account for your own safety at some point? I am not the kind of person who thinks you can ever really trust someone else 100%, I guess. Marriages fall apart all the time. People can't cope with having young kids as well as they thought and bail. People have mid-life crises. Etc. While rare, people do go through drastic personality changes late in life sometimes. This is also why divorce exists. People who argue "all marriages should be 100% joint money" sound to me like people who were arguing against the concept of divorce back in 1663 or whenever. It wasn't always a legalized concept people took for granted like they do now!
And anyway, that is immaterial because you are already married. It's too late to make the standard of "getting married" for you, "feel good about combining all accounts." That ship has sailed. It's gone. You entered a marriage where the finances were not yet or may never be combined, and now you have young children.
To me, a mature spouse who really loves you will think about this and acknowledge this is possible. They will let you have your separate account if it helps you should the need arise, or even if it just helps you feel safe. The issue is the fairness, or rather the unfairness. The problem is that your husband has a double standard. He may not even realize it. But there's some psychological reason he has it, and communicating in terrifying depth about it, rather than continuing to flounder in the dark, is going to be the only way to push through this to the other side.
Essentially, you entered the marriage as a couple who are okay with separate finances. Now it feels like he is reneging on the deal since you have more money than him all of a sudden. Yes, he is at fault here. Not "you are at fault for not combining finances." He is unclear about what he wants and why.
posted by quincunx at 10:15 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
Look, if you're both just ordinary middle class people with the same income, then sure, there is not an immediately compelling reason not to combine all accounts.
But there are good reasons for not all marriages to go the 100% joint money route. People change. What if, God forbid, he becomes abusive? What if you really NEED a separate account for your own safety at some point? I am not the kind of person who thinks you can ever really trust someone else 100%, I guess. Marriages fall apart all the time. People can't cope with having young kids as well as they thought and bail. People have mid-life crises. Etc. While rare, people do go through drastic personality changes late in life sometimes. This is also why divorce exists. People who argue "all marriages should be 100% joint money" sound to me like people who were arguing against the concept of divorce back in 1663 or whenever. It wasn't always a legalized concept people took for granted like they do now!
And anyway, that is immaterial because you are already married. It's too late to make the standard of "getting married" for you, "feel good about combining all accounts." That ship has sailed. It's gone. You entered a marriage where the finances were not yet or may never be combined, and now you have young children.
To me, a mature spouse who really loves you will think about this and acknowledge this is possible. They will let you have your separate account if it helps you should the need arise, or even if it just helps you feel safe. The issue is the fairness, or rather the unfairness. The problem is that your husband has a double standard. He may not even realize it. But there's some psychological reason he has it, and communicating in terrifying depth about it, rather than continuing to flounder in the dark, is going to be the only way to push through this to the other side.
Essentially, you entered the marriage as a couple who are okay with separate finances. Now it feels like he is reneging on the deal since you have more money than him all of a sudden. Yes, he is at fault here. Not "you are at fault for not combining finances." He is unclear about what he wants and why.
posted by quincunx at 10:15 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
In my state, money earned during the marriage, by either spouse, is community property. And money inherited, by either spouse, remains separate property (ie other spouse has no claim to it in the event of a divorce.) Just as a philosophical data point.
I think your husband is being umm not so great about this. Best case, maybe it is just because he sees the inheritance as a magical windfall which should be used up first before the family gets into the hard-earned cash reserves. But in fact it sounds like it means it's using up YOUR money and he's reluctant to share HIS money, and that is not ok. (And I don't understand your advisor's advice; the last thing I'd be doing right now is pooling all funds with someone whose instinct seems to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.")
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:37 AM on March 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
I think your husband is being umm not so great about this. Best case, maybe it is just because he sees the inheritance as a magical windfall which should be used up first before the family gets into the hard-earned cash reserves. But in fact it sounds like it means it's using up YOUR money and he's reluctant to share HIS money, and that is not ok. (And I don't understand your advisor's advice; the last thing I'd be doing right now is pooling all funds with someone whose instinct seems to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.")
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:37 AM on March 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
What is your inheritance windfall doing? Is it just sitting in a savings account? Is it earning interest? Do you have money set aside for retirement? What are your shared financial goals? Are you on track for them? I don't think that you necessarily have to have shared accounts to be "equitable" in a marriage. But you can create a financial system that works for you all and this one doesn't seem to quite be working. Maybe you have a majority of your money in a joint account and separate small accounts for personal spending and saving?
There is no one way. I'm a person who likes to have a cushion out there for our finances. Without that cushion I feel very uneasy navigating big purchasing decisions. We finally have a cushion and I have a really hard time spending it on necessary purchases. It's something that we are working through. Money hits a complex intersection of all kinds of personal issues and feelings that often have not much to do with "hard-nose" financial calculations. But you have both a financial advisor and a couples counselor. They may think that you two would be able to find a path more equitable if you are pooling.
posted by amanda at 10:48 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
There is no one way. I'm a person who likes to have a cushion out there for our finances. Without that cushion I feel very uneasy navigating big purchasing decisions. We finally have a cushion and I have a really hard time spending it on necessary purchases. It's something that we are working through. Money hits a complex intersection of all kinds of personal issues and feelings that often have not much to do with "hard-nose" financial calculations. But you have both a financial advisor and a couples counselor. They may think that you two would be able to find a path more equitable if you are pooling.
posted by amanda at 10:48 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
our financial advisor have recommended that we join all of our bank accounts so that this problem disappears
If you aren't seeing a "fee only" (not the same as fee based!) financial advisor, they might be getting some of their pay from commissions. If they feel they would get more commissions if there was just one account, their advice could be biased.
It sounds like the people advising you feel like you should put all the money in a single joint bank account -- this generally isn't a great idea for investing. You need to educate yourself about investing, these people telling you to keep a large sum of money in a bank account don't know what they are talking about.
You need to know more about how to handle money generally. Not knowing enough isn't helping you in these money discussions with your husband.
While we have a joint account that pays for all family expenses, we both maintain a personal account.
If you pay all the family expenses out of the joint account, you can both move money there in agreed upon ways (50/50, 60/40, other splits, changing based on time of year if you have seasonal income, etc.) to pay for the unexpected expenses.
There's nothing wrong with having separate accounts. I know a couple happily married for over 50 years who have both separate and joint accounts.
Also, personally I would NEVER pool funds with someone who has this attitude about me sharing and they not -- you are better off being badgered for money that YOU control than pooling funds, even if it annoys you to be asked all the time.
Learn more about personal finance in general and you will feel more confident about making these choices. There are many mefi questions about receiving an inheritance and how to invest a windfall.
posted by yohko at 11:00 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you aren't seeing a "fee only" (not the same as fee based!) financial advisor, they might be getting some of their pay from commissions. If they feel they would get more commissions if there was just one account, their advice could be biased.
It sounds like the people advising you feel like you should put all the money in a single joint bank account -- this generally isn't a great idea for investing. You need to educate yourself about investing, these people telling you to keep a large sum of money in a bank account don't know what they are talking about.
You need to know more about how to handle money generally. Not knowing enough isn't helping you in these money discussions with your husband.
While we have a joint account that pays for all family expenses, we both maintain a personal account.
If you pay all the family expenses out of the joint account, you can both move money there in agreed upon ways (50/50, 60/40, other splits, changing based on time of year if you have seasonal income, etc.) to pay for the unexpected expenses.
There's nothing wrong with having separate accounts. I know a couple happily married for over 50 years who have both separate and joint accounts.
Also, personally I would NEVER pool funds with someone who has this attitude about me sharing and they not -- you are better off being badgered for money that YOU control than pooling funds, even if it annoys you to be asked all the time.
Learn more about personal finance in general and you will feel more confident about making these choices. There are many mefi questions about receiving an inheritance and how to invest a windfall.
posted by yohko at 11:00 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everybody does money differently BUT
or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money.
This is the thorn here and doesn't have much to do with the inheritance. He is making you pay for his stuff... if you're doing that it kinda destroys the idea/purpose of separate money.
If the joint account isn't capable of covering joint costs "home repairs" etc you need to BOTH contribute evenly to cover the costs. It's a joint account.
I don't think your problem is your rules, it's your enforcement. You shouldn't pay for his things, full stop. You shouldn't contribute more than 50% to a 50/50 account, full stop.
posted by French Fry at 11:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]
or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money.
This is the thorn here and doesn't have much to do with the inheritance. He is making you pay for his stuff... if you're doing that it kinda destroys the idea/purpose of separate money.
If the joint account isn't capable of covering joint costs "home repairs" etc you need to BOTH contribute evenly to cover the costs. It's a joint account.
I don't think your problem is your rules, it's your enforcement. You shouldn't pay for his things, full stop. You shouldn't contribute more than 50% to a 50/50 account, full stop.
posted by French Fry at 11:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]
But because my husband doesn't seem to want to pool his money with me, I am not eager to do so.
Listen to yourself. He's already weird about money, and your counselors want you to take your money out of your hands and put it into his. Your inheritance is your money, keep it that way.
posted by sageleaf at 11:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Listen to yourself. He's already weird about money, and your counselors want you to take your money out of your hands and put it into his. Your inheritance is your money, keep it that way.
posted by sageleaf at 11:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
I feel like a lot of people who are commenting that once you are married, everything should be joint and community property are missing the fact that often, inheritance is treated differently and not considered community property.
My own father, who was nothing but extremely supportive of my marriage, pulled me aside one time after updating his will and basically told me that if anything happened to him and my mother, me and my sister would suddenly be relatively wealthy, and he specifically told me that in that case, he hoped I would protect the assets and keep them in my individual name. Not because he didn't trust my spouse, but because he would want that to be a little cushion for me in case things went sideways.
Now things have gone sideways. 6 months ago I was in an extremely happy marriage that I had a great deal of faith in, now I am staring at an imminent divorce. Sometimes unexpected things happen. I would keep that money separate and for yourself.
My husband has also always been very reluctant to combine finances - all his accounts are only in his name, all of my accounts have him either added as a full co-owner or as an authorized user. Please learn from my mistakes.
If your joint account runs low, it seems to me that it should be replenished in whatever method you've agreed to, whether that's 50/50 or proportionate to your incomes.
posted by pallas14 at 11:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
My own father, who was nothing but extremely supportive of my marriage, pulled me aside one time after updating his will and basically told me that if anything happened to him and my mother, me and my sister would suddenly be relatively wealthy, and he specifically told me that in that case, he hoped I would protect the assets and keep them in my individual name. Not because he didn't trust my spouse, but because he would want that to be a little cushion for me in case things went sideways.
Now things have gone sideways. 6 months ago I was in an extremely happy marriage that I had a great deal of faith in, now I am staring at an imminent divorce. Sometimes unexpected things happen. I would keep that money separate and for yourself.
My husband has also always been very reluctant to combine finances - all his accounts are only in his name, all of my accounts have him either added as a full co-owner or as an authorized user. Please learn from my mistakes.
If your joint account runs low, it seems to me that it should be replenished in whatever method you've agreed to, whether that's 50/50 or proportionate to your incomes.
posted by pallas14 at 11:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [15 favorites]
In my state inherited money belongs to the person that inherited it. It is not marital property. It also stays with the person who inherited it during a divorce. That being said, I believe you should make sure your money is working for you. Invest it wisely and if necessary, use the interest earned to add to the marital money pot. If you keep using it every time a family account dwindles, it won't last long.
posted by PJMoore at 11:21 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by PJMoore at 11:21 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ok, OP did not really ask for a a debate about whether to pool money in a marriage. OP doesn't do this. As others have said, there is a lot of advice out there that says not pooling can work out better for some couples.
One thing I will say is that not pooling money actually probably requires more communication about financial goals, because there are some goals you need to be on the same page on. When you don't have joint finances you're not on the same page by default. ("Honey, I saved for my retirement for 30 years, and now I'm ready to retire and buy an RV and travel the country. I know you didn't save anything, and will need to keep working for the rest of your life. Bummer--I'll send you a postcard!") Since you have financial advisers, you probably know this.
So, this seems like a good time to practice communicating. The crux of the issue is that he's apparently agreeing to pay for things (roughly evenly?) and then backing out and expecting you to pay for joint expenses with the inheritance money. What, exactly, is he doing with the money you're effectively gifting him? Is he using it to save for retirement because you have a head start? Is he using it to fund expensive toys? Is he just bad with money and constantly a little short in his separate account? I might be ok with the first but not the second two reasons.
Tell him that, since you don't pool finances, you are thinking of this money as separate money, and that it annoys you when he expects you to contribute it for things he otherwise would have paid for. Reassure him that you're hoping to use this money in the future for goals that will benefit both of you: college for kids, retirement for both of you, etc. (unless you actually want to spend it all on a round-the-world-for-one vacation). But that until that time you want to treat it as your money to use as you choose. And then see what he says.
posted by _Silky_ at 11:25 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
One thing I will say is that not pooling money actually probably requires more communication about financial goals, because there are some goals you need to be on the same page on. When you don't have joint finances you're not on the same page by default. ("Honey, I saved for my retirement for 30 years, and now I'm ready to retire and buy an RV and travel the country. I know you didn't save anything, and will need to keep working for the rest of your life. Bummer--I'll send you a postcard!") Since you have financial advisers, you probably know this.
So, this seems like a good time to practice communicating. The crux of the issue is that he's apparently agreeing to pay for things (roughly evenly?) and then backing out and expecting you to pay for joint expenses with the inheritance money. What, exactly, is he doing with the money you're effectively gifting him? Is he using it to save for retirement because you have a head start? Is he using it to fund expensive toys? Is he just bad with money and constantly a little short in his separate account? I might be ok with the first but not the second two reasons.
Tell him that, since you don't pool finances, you are thinking of this money as separate money, and that it annoys you when he expects you to contribute it for things he otherwise would have paid for. Reassure him that you're hoping to use this money in the future for goals that will benefit both of you: college for kids, retirement for both of you, etc. (unless you actually want to spend it all on a round-the-world-for-one vacation). But that until that time you want to treat it as your money to use as you choose. And then see what he says.
posted by _Silky_ at 11:25 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
There's a lot of answers in here that feel like correct answers towards the it's yours/it's both of yours sides... But the one thing i will say is...
I have seen inheritances and parked money destroy relationships long and short, young and old way more than i've seen income disparities do it. It's something about the money just sitting right there.
It's a tier one resentment builder on both sides. The person with the inheritance sees the big pile of money and goes "why should i or would i want to chip off this big block, it's a big block! i could do something big with it!".
And the person on the other side goes "Why should i deplete my or our limited funds on this Big Expenditure without at least taking some out of that when it's sitting there?
Whether or not both of these feelings are legitimate or selfish/not selfish or childish or whatever you want to ascribe to them is irrelevant. It ALWAYS seems to go there.
The two solutions i see which don't seem to alleviate said resentment always are to dump that money in to some jointly accessible general funds location, or to lock it away in a trust/CD for some agreed upon kids college, cash in to second house, long term Big Fucking Deal Emergency(ie to grab at if one of you needs to go on long term disability for additional expenses and to plug gaps while that kicks in or hiccups).
Solution A will probably lead to arguments over when it's legitimate to spend out of it, and solution B will lead to "you just did that to keep me away from it and now we're draining everything to deal with Problem when we could have just used that money that was right there!" sort of stuff, if you're not careful.
The one thing i will say is the "It's your money, keep it away like you have been!" seems to have always led to relationship self destruction in my observation. I can't really tell you the right answer, but i feel like leaving things as they are is the wrong one.
My honest suggestion would be more on team "you're married, it should be a joint thing" but... If you don't feel that way, maybe examine why you're uncomfortable with it? Is he not a good planner/trustworthy or responsible with money? Do you think he'd spend it illegitimately? A possible solution here could be something like "I will replenish half of the spend from the joint account if it's large, and the rest can recharge from you over time" or something to that effect... Or just establishing a baseline minimum balance upon which it will be refilled, and revisiting how often it's going below that and why.
Who knows though, i'm young and dumb. But i've seen this scenario create worse and longer lasting resentment than actual straight up cheating.
posted by emptythought at 11:43 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have seen inheritances and parked money destroy relationships long and short, young and old way more than i've seen income disparities do it. It's something about the money just sitting right there.
It's a tier one resentment builder on both sides. The person with the inheritance sees the big pile of money and goes "why should i or would i want to chip off this big block, it's a big block! i could do something big with it!".
And the person on the other side goes "Why should i deplete my or our limited funds on this Big Expenditure without at least taking some out of that when it's sitting there?
Whether or not both of these feelings are legitimate or selfish/not selfish or childish or whatever you want to ascribe to them is irrelevant. It ALWAYS seems to go there.
The two solutions i see which don't seem to alleviate said resentment always are to dump that money in to some jointly accessible general funds location, or to lock it away in a trust/CD for some agreed upon kids college, cash in to second house, long term Big Fucking Deal Emergency(ie to grab at if one of you needs to go on long term disability for additional expenses and to plug gaps while that kicks in or hiccups).
Solution A will probably lead to arguments over when it's legitimate to spend out of it, and solution B will lead to "you just did that to keep me away from it and now we're draining everything to deal with Problem when we could have just used that money that was right there!" sort of stuff, if you're not careful.
The one thing i will say is the "It's your money, keep it away like you have been!" seems to have always led to relationship self destruction in my observation. I can't really tell you the right answer, but i feel like leaving things as they are is the wrong one.
My honest suggestion would be more on team "you're married, it should be a joint thing" but... If you don't feel that way, maybe examine why you're uncomfortable with it? Is he not a good planner/trustworthy or responsible with money? Do you think he'd spend it illegitimately? A possible solution here could be something like "I will replenish half of the spend from the joint account if it's large, and the rest can recharge from you over time" or something to that effect... Or just establishing a baseline minimum balance upon which it will be refilled, and revisiting how often it's going below that and why.
Who knows though, i'm young and dumb. But i've seen this scenario create worse and longer lasting resentment than actual straight up cheating.
posted by emptythought at 11:43 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Young and dumb here also, working through similar questions in my own relationship. The best and most productive conversations we've had have been the ones that acknowledge and respect both of our sets of feelings.
"We have a ton of money, let's do things and make investments and buy a house reflecting that! Why are you so stressed about it, we have a ton of money!"
"YOU have a ton of money!"
"Oh yeah."
And even though the law treats funds differently if they are earned vs. gifted/inherited, psychology doesn't always - "you have this huge emergency fund that you didn't even plan for and you're asking me to empty my accounts / go through hardship rather than touch your massive dragon hoard?" It seems not unlike different incomes to me - if the $ contribution is equal, but the burden is unequal, it'll cause stress and resentment.
Some questions to consider:
What's the situation with his non-joint accounts? Does he have the kind of savings you expected? Why did he think he could pay and them go back on it? Do you need a larger joint emergency fund? Maybe for future income you each get a personal allowance and the rest goes into joint, rather than having a joint allowance and the rest going in to personal?
posted by Lady Li at 12:35 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
"We have a ton of money, let's do things and make investments and buy a house reflecting that! Why are you so stressed about it, we have a ton of money!"
"YOU have a ton of money!"
"Oh yeah."
And even though the law treats funds differently if they are earned vs. gifted/inherited, psychology doesn't always - "you have this huge emergency fund that you didn't even plan for and you're asking me to empty my accounts / go through hardship rather than touch your massive dragon hoard?" It seems not unlike different incomes to me - if the $ contribution is equal, but the burden is unequal, it'll cause stress and resentment.
Some questions to consider:
What's the situation with his non-joint accounts? Does he have the kind of savings you expected? Why did he think he could pay and them go back on it? Do you need a larger joint emergency fund? Maybe for future income you each get a personal allowance and the rest goes into joint, rather than having a joint allowance and the rest going in to personal?
posted by Lady Li at 12:35 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
My Grandma was happily married for more than 60 years and always kept a separate account with some money I think she'd inherited. She believed women should always try to have some money of their own. I mention that to counter the idea that anything other than dumping it all into a joint account will undermine a relationship. I think the two of you need to talk this through, but I personally believe keeping a good portion of this money intact and in your name as as your ultimate emergency fund is fine.
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 12:47 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 12:47 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]
So I just read through your prior questions, and my god, you must be absolutely exhausted. You have been doing things for everyone else nonstop for the past few years. It sounds like your father, his wife, and your two sisters, are all somewhat toxic. It also sounds like your job is insanely stressful, AND you have two young children on top of it all.
What really strikes me (keeping in mind, of course, I don't know you) is that your mother was probably the one bright spot in your life. It sounds like she was the one you were close to in your family of origin, your rock. She left you that money for you. Your mother wanted you to have it. You have so much stacked against you right now, and husband doesn't even understand this! The inheritance has an additional emotional component for you, as it well should.
That money should be special and safe to you and you alone because it represents your mother's unconditional love and care for you. You have so few "safety nets" or people you can rely on. PLEASE do not give this one up. Keep it. It's yours. Screw the idea of giving it all to your husband in the hopes of nobly self-sacrificing and magically creating a better marriage. Keep it. It's yours.
posted by quincunx at 2:54 PM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
What really strikes me (keeping in mind, of course, I don't know you) is that your mother was probably the one bright spot in your life. It sounds like she was the one you were close to in your family of origin, your rock. She left you that money for you. Your mother wanted you to have it. You have so much stacked against you right now, and husband doesn't even understand this! The inheritance has an additional emotional component for you, as it well should.
That money should be special and safe to you and you alone because it represents your mother's unconditional love and care for you. You have so few "safety nets" or people you can rely on. PLEASE do not give this one up. Keep it. It's yours. Screw the idea of giving it all to your husband in the hopes of nobly self-sacrificing and magically creating a better marriage. Keep it. It's yours.
posted by quincunx at 2:54 PM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
When two professional counselors, one of whom probably should not be making suggestions about finance at all, tell you that you should give up your rights to keep the peace, you might want to rethink either or both.
or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money
Are people missing this? Why should she roll over for this? If he's got some issues, why should she solve them with her separate funds?
Signed, not young, not dumb (mostly), married multiple decades, separate accounts, including inheritances, no issues.
posted by sageleaf at 2:57 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
or he had originally agreed to pay for out of his own money
Are people missing this? Why should she roll over for this? If he's got some issues, why should she solve them with her separate funds?
Signed, not young, not dumb (mostly), married multiple decades, separate accounts, including inheritances, no issues.
posted by sageleaf at 2:57 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Sounds like your husband has a case of "what's yours is ours, what's mine's me own." This would seriously annoy me, he shouldn't get to have it both ways. Now, in my household, we pool everything, but for whatever reason, this is not a path you want to go down, which is fine. Given your husband's current attitude towards money, both yours and his, I would keep your cash to yourself and tell him until he's ready to be equitable with his funds, that's the way it's going to stay.
posted by Jubey at 11:05 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 11:05 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you both earn the same amount, it seems like for every dollar you put in to the joint account, he should also put in a dollar, unless he's completely broke. This should be the case regardless of whether the money you're putting into the joint account comes from the inheritance or work or whatever. This seems so straightforward that I feel like I must be missing something. Have you discussed this approach? What's the larger financial situation -- are you guys genuinely short on cash or is this simply a power struggle? I also feel like the degree of discrepancy in what your assets were before and are now is relevant. If you inherited a million dollars the situation is going to be different than if you inherited like 20k.
posted by phoenixy at 12:46 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by phoenixy at 12:46 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ruthless Bunny wrote, "When you get married you become one financial entity. If you wouldn't combine a bank account with a person, you shouldn't combine DNA to have children and you shouldn't get married. "
---------------
I'm gobsmacked. no offense to Ruthless but certainly her opinion is not mine. IMHO:
1. check out the law in your state. This should be readily available on-line.
In my state assets (for example whole owned real property, i.e. my house and rental property) and inheritances BELONG to the spouse bringing the asset into the marriage. The appreciation of these assets, in my state, is a joint asset of the marriage.
2. adding a large asset to, say a joint checking account may cause BOTH of you to overspend your perceived budget. It's easy to splurge when the $$s are just sitting there and Costa Rica's a hop, skip and plane ride away.
3. In that your spouse does NOT want to commingle funds and you have spoken to a counselor I believe you must examine 1 and 2 above. [I would also NEVER continue with a counselor who advised your husband to go against his wishes...and you to go against yours.]
4. Other posters have well recommended Dave Ramsey and Bogleheads. Peruse those sites; find an opinion that both of you can agree to follow.
-------------------------
anecdotal data: I came into my marriage earning >2x my husband's salary. Due to a divorce he owed $$$s in Fed and State taxes/Credit Card debt. I paid his debts fully and immediately.
Later we decided I would stay home and watch his 3 year old son. My husband immediately insisted the money he earned was for all our needs. We lived a frugal life. 10 years later husband earns more than I ever did...we still commingle all our funds and would not consider doing otherwise. BUT BOY ARE WE GLAD my husband's inheritance did not come about until he had divorced his previous wife (to paraphrase Ruthless Bunny's words, 'the one he commingled his DNA with...' .)
I have pre-marriage assets and my husband now has a substantial inheritance; we have willed these to each other and leave them untouched. Our plan? college for the kiddo, early retirement for my husband, a retirement budget that matches our current income...and funds for dreaded emergencies.
These plans came about after witnessing older relatives' overspending AND looking into Dave Ramsey/Bogleheads to find what was right For Us.
Best wishes toward You finding What's right for You.
posted by Twist at 11:47 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
---------------
I'm gobsmacked. no offense to Ruthless but certainly her opinion is not mine. IMHO:
1. check out the law in your state. This should be readily available on-line.
In my state assets (for example whole owned real property, i.e. my house and rental property) and inheritances BELONG to the spouse bringing the asset into the marriage. The appreciation of these assets, in my state, is a joint asset of the marriage.
2. adding a large asset to, say a joint checking account may cause BOTH of you to overspend your perceived budget. It's easy to splurge when the $$s are just sitting there and Costa Rica's a hop, skip and plane ride away.
3. In that your spouse does NOT want to commingle funds and you have spoken to a counselor I believe you must examine 1 and 2 above. [I would also NEVER continue with a counselor who advised your husband to go against his wishes...and you to go against yours.]
4. Other posters have well recommended Dave Ramsey and Bogleheads. Peruse those sites; find an opinion that both of you can agree to follow.
-------------------------
anecdotal data: I came into my marriage earning >2x my husband's salary. Due to a divorce he owed $$$s in Fed and State taxes/Credit Card debt. I paid his debts fully and immediately.
Later we decided I would stay home and watch his 3 year old son. My husband immediately insisted the money he earned was for all our needs. We lived a frugal life. 10 years later husband earns more than I ever did...we still commingle all our funds and would not consider doing otherwise. BUT BOY ARE WE GLAD my husband's inheritance did not come about until he had divorced his previous wife (to paraphrase Ruthless Bunny's words, 'the one he commingled his DNA with...' .)
I have pre-marriage assets and my husband now has a substantial inheritance; we have willed these to each other and leave them untouched. Our plan? college for the kiddo, early retirement for my husband, a retirement budget that matches our current income...and funds for dreaded emergencies.
These plans came about after witnessing older relatives' overspending AND looking into Dave Ramsey/Bogleheads to find what was right For Us.
Best wishes toward You finding What's right for You.
posted by Twist at 11:47 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
there's a certain unfairness going on where I am expected to use my inheritance as default to pay for big expenses when he has resources as well.
I know it's not good form to threadsit, but I have to ask. OP, what does he say when you raise this issue? Or when you point out that he's reneged on his promise to pay for something? I presume you've brought this problem to his attention. What's his response?
posted by Sublimity at 1:24 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I know it's not good form to threadsit, but I have to ask. OP, what does he say when you raise this issue? Or when you point out that he's reneged on his promise to pay for something? I presume you've brought this problem to his attention. What's his response?
posted by Sublimity at 1:24 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I lost my mom young and had an inheritance before I met my husband. At some point, many years in, and after we'd refinanced the mortgage, I added his name to the deed on the house. Many many more years later I still have the money from the inheritance in a separate account. My reasoning is this: my mother has passed. My dad is useless for financial help. I have no one else to help me out if I really get into a bind. If I get divorced, that money is my mother's gift to me to help take care of me and my kids. It was the last thing she was able to do for me.
So I keep it separate and I answer questions about the value of the account vaguely. Sometimes I choose to buy something for the family out of that account. Most of the time I insist that expenses be 50/50. I never ask questions about the value of his accounts, and I don't ask him to pay for things out of his accounts. The most I will say is "how do you suggest we pay for this?" and let it be his idea if he wants to pay out of his accounts. We have a budget that we update every year based on our salary, raises, and expenses. Our individual savings do not factor into the budget. If the expense hasn't been budgeted, we have to figure out how to pay for it together. Neither of us pressures the other to pay individually for expenses that are incurred jointly.
If I were in your shoes, I would say that I'm going to set the money aside for the time being (or put it in an IRA of long term CD), and then work on a budget.
posted by vignettist at 9:01 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
So I keep it separate and I answer questions about the value of the account vaguely. Sometimes I choose to buy something for the family out of that account. Most of the time I insist that expenses be 50/50. I never ask questions about the value of his accounts, and I don't ask him to pay for things out of his accounts. The most I will say is "how do you suggest we pay for this?" and let it be his idea if he wants to pay out of his accounts. We have a budget that we update every year based on our salary, raises, and expenses. Our individual savings do not factor into the budget. If the expense hasn't been budgeted, we have to figure out how to pay for it together. Neither of us pressures the other to pay individually for expenses that are incurred jointly.
If I were in your shoes, I would say that I'm going to set the money aside for the time being (or put it in an IRA of long term CD), and then work on a budget.
posted by vignettist at 9:01 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Itaxpica at 9:07 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]