Navigating family expectations about wedding surprises
March 16, 2016 3:38 PM Subscribe
We're introverts who don't like the spotlight or surprises, and our family wanted to throw a surprise performance at our wedding reception. The discussion around this isn't going well. How do we communicate more effectively about this, both re: this specific reception and introversion in general?
After a lengthy immigration process, I moved to the U.S. last year and married my partner in July, at a lovely courthouse wedding. Due to logistical reasons, my family couldn't make it that day, so we decided to hold our belated reception back in Canada (luckily only a 3.5 hour drive away from our city) this April. My spouse and I are hosting this at some considerable expense to ourselves. It's something we were looking forward to celebrating with our family and friends after a tough year of ongoing immigration paperwork, job transition, and unexpected obstacles (personal, mental, and financial). Ultimately, we have determined this is still within our budget and personal capability, and would like to enjoy the day.
We're both introverts coming from families of extroverts, and are also among those people who don't enjoy surprises. We've both had negative experiences in the past with surprise activities sprung on us from well-meaning friends and family. (Example: asking for a low-key and "home-y" bachelorette party only to be brought out on the town and paraded with the silly crown and sash.) We've grit ourselves and tried to accept this graciously in the past, even through our discomfort, acknowledging the good intentions involved. This time, we're throwing the event, and we'd like to enjoy it on our terms. We made clear that we were hosting a low-key event and kept most of the planning to ourselves. In the spirit of making people feel more involved, we did delegate some minor tasks to people who wanted to do them (e.g. mom wanting to do homemade decorations, aunts wanting to host the sign-in table, etc).
My family (immediate and extended) hinted several months ago about wanting to do "a thing" for the reception. This sort of thing makes me wary, because at times, they can be overbearing, overly lewd, and schadenfreude-y (if that makes sense). I thanked them for their offer, set some ground rules (no games or participatory stuff), and asked them to get back to me. We didn't hear back until this week that they wanted to commandeer 15 minutes for a secret performance. The communication has not gone well from there, revolving around our different expectations about surprises and also what appears to be resentment about the low-key nature of our reception.
We expressed our discomfort with the coyness and secrecy, explained our feelings about surprises derived from past experience and well, just wanting to not deal anticipatory stress on our own reception day. My family's position is that it was a gift of good intentions, we were being unnecessarily apprehensive (it turns out to be a dance performance involving 20 people), and that while they know we want to keep our event low-key, we should let them celebrate this as the full-blown wedding that they missed. Even though we explained the knowing is what sets us at ease, the organizer of the performance feels it has been ruined by not being a surprise, and now does not want to perform it. Which, honestly to us is kind of a relief. But now we're two weeks from this event and I have family members angry about an event that we tried to keep non-stressful up until now.
I feel like I've used advice gleamed from past Ask questions about communication, reiterating that we love my family and appreciate their thought and effort, while being gentle but firm that this is an event we're planning and paying for. Our last response said that we were looking forward to seeing them and hoped they would still enjoy the reception as our guests. But I feel like we're not being heard on this, and that our introverted nature is being parroted back as a negative. I was to spend a week with my family prior to the wedding (alone; my spouse will be working here), and now I'm dreading the interaction. It's been suggested that we're ungrateful, which honestly kind of hurts. And if I think about it too long, makes me angry. I don't want to be angry, I want to be loving. I'm finding it increasingly hard to communicate this. Suggestions on approaches to this?
(P.S. Won't you wonderful folks join us at our reception instead? I really thought we had a lovely day planned. We focused our money on interesting food and drink (poke! seafood! dim sum! poutine!), we ordered the wedding edition of Love Letter for favors, and we had an awesome DJ. We really just wanted to have fun in our own way.)
After a lengthy immigration process, I moved to the U.S. last year and married my partner in July, at a lovely courthouse wedding. Due to logistical reasons, my family couldn't make it that day, so we decided to hold our belated reception back in Canada (luckily only a 3.5 hour drive away from our city) this April. My spouse and I are hosting this at some considerable expense to ourselves. It's something we were looking forward to celebrating with our family and friends after a tough year of ongoing immigration paperwork, job transition, and unexpected obstacles (personal, mental, and financial). Ultimately, we have determined this is still within our budget and personal capability, and would like to enjoy the day.
We're both introverts coming from families of extroverts, and are also among those people who don't enjoy surprises. We've both had negative experiences in the past with surprise activities sprung on us from well-meaning friends and family. (Example: asking for a low-key and "home-y" bachelorette party only to be brought out on the town and paraded with the silly crown and sash.) We've grit ourselves and tried to accept this graciously in the past, even through our discomfort, acknowledging the good intentions involved. This time, we're throwing the event, and we'd like to enjoy it on our terms. We made clear that we were hosting a low-key event and kept most of the planning to ourselves. In the spirit of making people feel more involved, we did delegate some minor tasks to people who wanted to do them (e.g. mom wanting to do homemade decorations, aunts wanting to host the sign-in table, etc).
My family (immediate and extended) hinted several months ago about wanting to do "a thing" for the reception. This sort of thing makes me wary, because at times, they can be overbearing, overly lewd, and schadenfreude-y (if that makes sense). I thanked them for their offer, set some ground rules (no games or participatory stuff), and asked them to get back to me. We didn't hear back until this week that they wanted to commandeer 15 minutes for a secret performance. The communication has not gone well from there, revolving around our different expectations about surprises and also what appears to be resentment about the low-key nature of our reception.
We expressed our discomfort with the coyness and secrecy, explained our feelings about surprises derived from past experience and well, just wanting to not deal anticipatory stress on our own reception day. My family's position is that it was a gift of good intentions, we were being unnecessarily apprehensive (it turns out to be a dance performance involving 20 people), and that while they know we want to keep our event low-key, we should let them celebrate this as the full-blown wedding that they missed. Even though we explained the knowing is what sets us at ease, the organizer of the performance feels it has been ruined by not being a surprise, and now does not want to perform it. Which, honestly to us is kind of a relief. But now we're two weeks from this event and I have family members angry about an event that we tried to keep non-stressful up until now.
I feel like I've used advice gleamed from past Ask questions about communication, reiterating that we love my family and appreciate their thought and effort, while being gentle but firm that this is an event we're planning and paying for. Our last response said that we were looking forward to seeing them and hoped they would still enjoy the reception as our guests. But I feel like we're not being heard on this, and that our introverted nature is being parroted back as a negative. I was to spend a week with my family prior to the wedding (alone; my spouse will be working here), and now I'm dreading the interaction. It's been suggested that we're ungrateful, which honestly kind of hurts. And if I think about it too long, makes me angry. I don't want to be angry, I want to be loving. I'm finding it increasingly hard to communicate this. Suggestions on approaches to this?
(P.S. Won't you wonderful folks join us at our reception instead? I really thought we had a lovely day planned. We focused our money on interesting food and drink (poke! seafood! dim sum! poutine!), we ordered the wedding edition of Love Letter for favors, and we had an awesome DJ. We really just wanted to have fun in our own way.)
Your family sound like tools, and I think you may want to let them know that a little less gently. Being introverted and GENEROUS doesn't mean being a doormat. Stomp that foot right back at them. And may your marriage be a beautiful and long one.
posted by cyndigo at 3:49 PM on March 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 3:49 PM on March 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I am also an introverted child in an extroverted family. I hear you on "surprises". The thing that worked for me was pushing back hard: "Hey, I now live in another country and you want to make a big deal out of this? Sorry, it's our wedding celebration and we had hoped it'd be a relaxing day for us. Save your performance for another day for somebody who'll enjoy it. Now, I'm just here for a week, so push that out of your mind & let's hit that milkshake bar .."
I only juuuust escaped having a 'special' birthday song full of terrible, embarrassing 'jokes' sung at my 30th birthday party. I put my foot down hard and people learned once & for all I wasn't being coy about crap like that. You need to do that too.
posted by kariebookish at 4:07 PM on March 16, 2016 [16 favorites]
I only juuuust escaped having a 'special' birthday song full of terrible, embarrassing 'jokes' sung at my 30th birthday party. I put my foot down hard and people learned once & for all I wasn't being coy about crap like that. You need to do that too.
posted by kariebookish at 4:07 PM on March 16, 2016 [16 favorites]
I find that leaving - and everyone knowing that I will leave - has helped a lot with this battle. As a kid, I would hide under the table for an hour if they tried to sing "happy birthday." On the one hand, nearly everyone in my family thinks this is deeply weird and irrational and that I'm a major spoilsport. But on the other hand, I've been free of those kinds of displays for over twenty-five years.
I think you just have to take a hard-nosed stand at some point. This ceremony is in some ways a celebration of your own adulthood and separation from your family of origin: it's a great day for putting your foot down.
I recommend using words rather than actually ducking under the table.
posted by SMPA at 4:16 PM on March 16, 2016 [9 favorites]
I think you just have to take a hard-nosed stand at some point. This ceremony is in some ways a celebration of your own adulthood and separation from your family of origin: it's a great day for putting your foot down.
I recommend using words rather than actually ducking under the table.
posted by SMPA at 4:16 PM on March 16, 2016 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, I think you just put the word out "we're not budging on this, we want to enjoy a relaxing party with our friends and family." End of discussion. And then do your best to ignore any rumblings of discontent. You're not doing anything wrong. Anyone who is bummed about a lovely party in the moment because they can't do a dance routine is being silly.
posted by oneirodynia at 4:25 PM on March 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by oneirodynia at 4:25 PM on March 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm guessing if the performers do try to ambush the event, they'll most likely enlist the DJ to help with P/A and music.
Tell the DJ, or get it in the contract if you can, that NOBODY is to ask him to deviate from the music you've requested. If you can say "do that and you're fired", even better.
The DJ can then shake his head and go "nope, sorry" while you and your partner are off enjoying yourselves.
posted by JoeZydeco at 4:32 PM on March 16, 2016 [36 favorites]
Tell the DJ, or get it in the contract if you can, that NOBODY is to ask him to deviate from the music you've requested. If you can say "do that and you're fired", even better.
The DJ can then shake his head and go "nope, sorry" while you and your partner are off enjoying yourselves.
posted by JoeZydeco at 4:32 PM on March 16, 2016 [36 favorites]
Came in to say something similar to what JoeZydeco said: make sure your DJ knows that you're the one who is paying for their time, and you absolutely DO NOT WANT any music that is not on your pre-approved list. Also make sure no-one manages to sneak in their own boom box.... because yeah, I'm afraid I can see a bunch of extroverts who think they're the life of every party hijacking the reception.
posted by easily confused at 4:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 4:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
I've been to ceremony-less wedding receptions and to be honest it's a little weird. I can see where the family feels left out or shut out. They just want to feel a part of things. And a party is something you want your guests to enjoy, not just you expressing yourselves if you know what I mean.
Give them other areas to channel their involvement - can they make centre pieces? Give a speech? Bake some desserts? Make the schedule impossible for them to co-opt but give them something to do.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:58 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Give them other areas to channel their involvement - can they make centre pieces? Give a speech? Bake some desserts? Make the schedule impossible for them to co-opt but give them something to do.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:58 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This:
We've grit ourselves and tried to accept this graciously in the past, even through our discomfort, acknowledging the good intentions involved. This time, we're throwing the event, and we'd like to enjoy it on our terms.
I think this statement puts your dilemma in an important context - you've always had a certain dynamic with your family, which you accepted in those situations, and now there's an event that is so important to you that you want the tables to be turned in your favor. Having your day go as you and your partner plan is totally your right. The way I see it, you have two things working against you:
1.) Introvert or extrovert, all weddings bring up all of the interpersonal "stuff". Always. Unless people elope. You're going to have that no matter what, regardless of whether your family respects or does not respect your plan for the day.
2.) If things have always been a certain way, it's very hard to change the tide without very clear boundaries and sometimes this means hurt feelings. I'd imagine that you and your family don't remember these past events the same way, for example:
You: "Um, yeah, that bachelorette party... it was fun for you,
but it wasn't really what I would have chosen."
Sister/Best Friend: "What are you talking about, it was so fun!!!
We paraded you around town and it was a blast!!!"
I can't help but wonder if, for your family, the bachelorette party and, in this case, the dancing - for them - is low-key. Really, are things like this their idea of a low-key thing? Because you described them as "they can be overbearing, overly lewd, and schadenfreude-y" which, to me, says that this dance-y thing is their version of a toned-down thing. Having said that - it's YOUR party, and based on #1 and #2 above, if you want it your way, I think you're going to have to really express yourself on this one.
My family's position is that it was a gift of good intentions, we were being unnecessarily apprehensive ... and that while they know we want to keep our event low-key, we should let them celebrate this as the full-blown wedding that they missed.
Everyone expresses love differently, and extroverted people throw parties. They're loud. They're boistrous. They're overly emphatic. As you know - it's difficult for them to understand (and respect!) how an introvert sees things. I don't suggest outright fighting, but I think setting boundaries with them is going to mean that you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone to get what you want. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that you went along with "their" way in the past because you didn't want hurt feelings, but also because you didn't want conflict. Believe it or not, some folks thrive on conflict and drama... you (and your partner) do not sound like one of those types.
Could it be that, in your desire to avoid conflict with your family, you try to be "direct-but-in-a-nice-way" and that this version of "being direct" actually isn't direct at all, and doesn't actually register with them? Do they really know how angry and hurt you are about this? There's a fine line between expressing anger and starting a war, but sometimes you have to walk that line in order to set boundaries. Given the lack of respect for your and your partners' wishes, I'd expect that you have never set this boundary with them, and they are simply proceeding like "business as usual" and treating you, quite frankly, like a child who just doesn't know what they really want.
A word on conflict:
Given all of the above, I really believe that you can say anything to anyone, if you say it in the "right" way. As an introvert, I assume you have a high EQ and a high degree of empathy, and your strength is seeing all sides. Remember that introversion is a feature, not a bug - as much as us introverts dislike conflict, we are actually well equipped to handle it in most cases. I don't believe that you need to fight with your family to get what you want. Having said that, they may turn it into a fight if that's what they insist. And if it goes down like that, watch it like clouds passing by to the degree that you can and know that weddings always produce some level of conflict, and understand that it will pass.
jessamyn has it:
You seem to almost feel bad about wanting things your way at your thing and I'd try to push through that. They can feel however they want about you and your event and the thing they wanted to do but ultimately they wanted to push through something which was not what you wanted, at your own event, and if they feel bad about that they will need to manage their own feelings not rub them all over you and try to make this all about them.
She's right - you can do this, but it's going to mean that you have to set a boundary for what you want and not feel bad about it. Whatever guilt you feel over setting boundaries with your family will cloud your day and color your memories. Do not let that happen. This day is about you and your partner, not your family's unresolved issues about acceptance and control.
FWIW, my husband and I are diehard introverts and it was hard even for me to have a photobooth at our wedding. We had a food truck in the middle of a desert with 15 people, and you know what? Everyone kept their mouth shut about how strange they thought it was when we described it. But now they say it's the best wedding they've ever been to, and their reason is "because they did it their way." You can absolutely change peoples minds about things like this - but you have to be ruthless about Having It Your Way. We were lucky in that everyone kept quiet during the planning stages, but we were prepared to fight tooth and nail to defend what we wanted. We didn't have to, but looking back, we wouldn't have changed a thing about the way we did it. Don't let anyone take that away from you. It's your day. You call the shots.
posted by onecircleaday at 5:02 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
We've grit ourselves and tried to accept this graciously in the past, even through our discomfort, acknowledging the good intentions involved. This time, we're throwing the event, and we'd like to enjoy it on our terms.
I think this statement puts your dilemma in an important context - you've always had a certain dynamic with your family, which you accepted in those situations, and now there's an event that is so important to you that you want the tables to be turned in your favor. Having your day go as you and your partner plan is totally your right. The way I see it, you have two things working against you:
1.) Introvert or extrovert, all weddings bring up all of the interpersonal "stuff". Always. Unless people elope. You're going to have that no matter what, regardless of whether your family respects or does not respect your plan for the day.
2.) If things have always been a certain way, it's very hard to change the tide without very clear boundaries and sometimes this means hurt feelings. I'd imagine that you and your family don't remember these past events the same way, for example:
but it wasn't really what I would have chosen."
We paraded you around town and it was a blast!!!"
I can't help but wonder if, for your family, the bachelorette party and, in this case, the dancing - for them - is low-key. Really, are things like this their idea of a low-key thing? Because you described them as "they can be overbearing, overly lewd, and schadenfreude-y" which, to me, says that this dance-y thing is their version of a toned-down thing. Having said that - it's YOUR party, and based on #1 and #2 above, if you want it your way, I think you're going to have to really express yourself on this one.
My family's position is that it was a gift of good intentions, we were being unnecessarily apprehensive ... and that while they know we want to keep our event low-key, we should let them celebrate this as the full-blown wedding that they missed.
Everyone expresses love differently, and extroverted people throw parties. They're loud. They're boistrous. They're overly emphatic. As you know - it's difficult for them to understand (and respect!) how an introvert sees things. I don't suggest outright fighting, but I think setting boundaries with them is going to mean that you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone to get what you want. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that you went along with "their" way in the past because you didn't want hurt feelings, but also because you didn't want conflict. Believe it or not, some folks thrive on conflict and drama... you (and your partner) do not sound like one of those types.
Could it be that, in your desire to avoid conflict with your family, you try to be "direct-but-in-a-nice-way" and that this version of "being direct" actually isn't direct at all, and doesn't actually register with them? Do they really know how angry and hurt you are about this? There's a fine line between expressing anger and starting a war, but sometimes you have to walk that line in order to set boundaries. Given the lack of respect for your and your partners' wishes, I'd expect that you have never set this boundary with them, and they are simply proceeding like "business as usual" and treating you, quite frankly, like a child who just doesn't know what they really want.
A word on conflict:
Given all of the above, I really believe that you can say anything to anyone, if you say it in the "right" way. As an introvert, I assume you have a high EQ and a high degree of empathy, and your strength is seeing all sides. Remember that introversion is a feature, not a bug - as much as us introverts dislike conflict, we are actually well equipped to handle it in most cases. I don't believe that you need to fight with your family to get what you want. Having said that, they may turn it into a fight if that's what they insist. And if it goes down like that, watch it like clouds passing by to the degree that you can and know that weddings always produce some level of conflict, and understand that it will pass.
jessamyn has it:
You seem to almost feel bad about wanting things your way at your thing and I'd try to push through that. They can feel however they want about you and your event and the thing they wanted to do but ultimately they wanted to push through something which was not what you wanted, at your own event, and if they feel bad about that they will need to manage their own feelings not rub them all over you and try to make this all about them.
She's right - you can do this, but it's going to mean that you have to set a boundary for what you want and not feel bad about it. Whatever guilt you feel over setting boundaries with your family will cloud your day and color your memories. Do not let that happen. This day is about you and your partner, not your family's unresolved issues about acceptance and control.
FWIW, my husband and I are diehard introverts and it was hard even for me to have a photobooth at our wedding. We had a food truck in the middle of a desert with 15 people, and you know what? Everyone kept their mouth shut about how strange they thought it was when we described it. But now they say it's the best wedding they've ever been to, and their reason is "because they did it their way." You can absolutely change peoples minds about things like this - but you have to be ruthless about Having It Your Way. We were lucky in that everyone kept quiet during the planning stages, but we were prepared to fight tooth and nail to defend what we wanted. We didn't have to, but looking back, we wouldn't have changed a thing about the way we did it. Don't let anyone take that away from you. It's your day. You call the shots.
posted by onecircleaday at 5:02 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
The old "good intentions" line of hogwash always pisses me off. I have some people like that in my life, and life is just too short to put up with it. If their intentions were as good as they claim, they would have taken the time to consider what would or wouldn't be pleasant for you.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:20 PM on March 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:20 PM on March 16, 2016 [14 favorites]
I'm an extrovert, although a weak one, and I have to admit my reaction was partly man, it's 15 minutes of people feting you, how bad could it be?
Until I got to where you asked them not to. You asked, they should go out for a beer together without you, whine, and then come have a lovely time with you. My reaction would be darn it,didn't think of that, sorry man. Once you clearly say no, that's it. Anything past that is not about extrovert/introvert, it's about not listening and being a jerk.
Hope you have a lovely surprise-free time.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:26 PM on March 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
Until I got to where you asked them not to. You asked, they should go out for a beer together without you, whine, and then come have a lovely time with you. My reaction would be darn it,didn't think of that, sorry man. Once you clearly say no, that's it. Anything past that is not about extrovert/introvert, it's about not listening and being a jerk.
Hope you have a lovely surprise-free time.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:26 PM on March 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
I suggest that you say to one or two people with influence:
"I asked for a low-key and homey bachelorette party, but ended up on the town with a sash and crown. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable." I should have been more clear then. I'm being clear now."
Another specific incident... At Pat and Chris's wedding, (these specific people) sang jokey songs for 10 minutes. Pat and Chris enjoyed it, but we would not enjoy it at all."
Keep going back to YOUR main point. If they're suggesting you're wrong, unappreciative, no fun, controlling, repeat: "I know this is disappointing to some. Still, I don't want a surprise." Don't react and explain that you DO appreciate their efforts, or that it's okay to be introverted. Just talk about your feelings and what you want.
posted by wryly at 5:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
"I asked for a low-key and homey bachelorette party, but ended up on the town with a sash and crown. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable." I should have been more clear then. I'm being clear now."
Another specific incident... At Pat and Chris's wedding, (these specific people) sang jokey songs for 10 minutes. Pat and Chris enjoyed it, but we would not enjoy it at all."
Keep going back to YOUR main point. If they're suggesting you're wrong, unappreciative, no fun, controlling, repeat: "I know this is disappointing to some. Still, I don't want a surprise." Don't react and explain that you DO appreciate their efforts, or that it's okay to be introverted. Just talk about your feelings and what you want.
posted by wryly at 5:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi, these answers are all helpful so far, so not directed at anyone in particular. Just want to clarify:
We didn't ask our family not to do anything. If they had gotten back to us early on with the details, we would have been fine and would probably even have enjoyed their efforts. It's more about not wanting to be surprised outright, or being made to know there is *something* going on, but that they can't tell us "hee hee". In that situation, we can't know what to expect, and can only rely on past experiences which we have not enjoyed.
Even now, we thanked them for sharing the details with us, saying it helped reassure us and we would be receptive to their performance. The choice to not go forward is theirs. It's not the lack of permission that seems to be offensive, but the perceived lack of faith on our end, and that they feel we shouldn't have been apprehensive at all in the first place.
Explaining our anxiety about surprises hasn't helped, and like others have said, we'll need to use a more direct approach.
posted by orbit-3 at 6:10 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
We didn't ask our family not to do anything. If they had gotten back to us early on with the details, we would have been fine and would probably even have enjoyed their efforts. It's more about not wanting to be surprised outright, or being made to know there is *something* going on, but that they can't tell us "hee hee". In that situation, we can't know what to expect, and can only rely on past experiences which we have not enjoyed.
Even now, we thanked them for sharing the details with us, saying it helped reassure us and we would be receptive to their performance. The choice to not go forward is theirs. It's not the lack of permission that seems to be offensive, but the perceived lack of faith on our end, and that they feel we shouldn't have been apprehensive at all in the first place.
Explaining our anxiety about surprises hasn't helped, and like others have said, we'll need to use a more direct approach.
posted by orbit-3 at 6:10 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
i can imagine being your family members - you have moved really far away, you're having a celebration, they're all invited, it's going to be great - i could see them wanting to participate and add to the fun by doing something FOR you. (i get that this is not what you want.)
is there any way that there could be a compromise? is there ANY part of their visit where they could do their 15 minute dance? the rehearsal dinner? saturday afternoon coffee after the wedding? i get that you want to have some control over your day, AND YOU SHOULD. but maybe there is some other non-wedding-day moment where this could be a thing that you could live with? that way it would not seem like a hard NO as much as a "thank you for planning something special for us that is obviously taking a lot of time and effort and coordination [even though we would really rather you showed your love differently], tuesday evening from 5:30-5:45 is ideal for this."
it's an alternative to just saying no, which seems to be going badly, and both groups could (sort of ish) get some things that they want.
good luck!
posted by andreapandrea at 6:49 PM on March 16, 2016
is there any way that there could be a compromise? is there ANY part of their visit where they could do their 15 minute dance? the rehearsal dinner? saturday afternoon coffee after the wedding? i get that you want to have some control over your day, AND YOU SHOULD. but maybe there is some other non-wedding-day moment where this could be a thing that you could live with? that way it would not seem like a hard NO as much as a "thank you for planning something special for us that is obviously taking a lot of time and effort and coordination [even though we would really rather you showed your love differently], tuesday evening from 5:30-5:45 is ideal for this."
it's an alternative to just saying no, which seems to be going badly, and both groups could (sort of ish) get some things that they want.
good luck!
posted by andreapandrea at 6:49 PM on March 16, 2016
Lots of sage advice here, but from the sound of your family in the past, maybe you should give up on the trying-to-get-it-the-way-you-want-it and start seeing it as the first in a collection of My Family Is F-ing Unbelievable stories you will tell your children, other friends, and share with your spouse in your Golden Years.
I lost almost all of my family early (well, it seems early to me) and what I wouldn't give for some more clueless, irritating, embarrassing, over the top, just plain dumb stories to tell.
posted by kestralwing at 7:25 PM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
I lost almost all of my family early (well, it seems early to me) and what I wouldn't give for some more clueless, irritating, embarrassing, over the top, just plain dumb stories to tell.
posted by kestralwing at 7:25 PM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
tl;dr
Don't use the word "introvert" -- they probably don't know what it means. They will argue with you and say you're so nice, you can't be an introvert.
posted by JimN2TAW at 7:29 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Don't use the word "introvert" -- they probably don't know what it means. They will argue with you and say you're so nice, you can't be an introvert.
posted by JimN2TAW at 7:29 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Did you ever tell them - ideally someone who you know is usually involved in organizing these things but ALSO has your best interests at heart - that you didn't enjoy the bachelorette? A lot of people would let-bygones-be-bygones but I find that making someone else experience the awkwardness they caused can do a lot. Like, your family tried to do something to make you happy and you were embarrassed and upset: they should have some of the bad feelings about that, not just walk away like 'yep, that sure was a great bachelorette, let's do it again at the wedding!'
I think also if they know that some of their past surprises have been really unpleasant and uncomfortable to you, they might have more appreciation of your input. It's not just for you: it's also for them, since they clearly don't always intuit what you will like, it helps them make sure they don't accidentally screw up a part of your wedding.
Person who's being like, "my right to surprise you with something is more important than your enjoyment!" is being an ass, though.
posted by Lady Li at 7:38 PM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think also if they know that some of their past surprises have been really unpleasant and uncomfortable to you, they might have more appreciation of your input. It's not just for you: it's also for them, since they clearly don't always intuit what you will like, it helps them make sure they don't accidentally screw up a part of your wedding.
Person who's being like, "my right to surprise you with something is more important than your enjoyment!" is being an ass, though.
posted by Lady Li at 7:38 PM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
My take on this is that you should let them go ahead and do what they want but if you find something is making you or your partner uncomfortable you should both step out until the thing that is making you feel uncomfortable is over.
Let's say someone gets up and starts making toasts full of sexy innuendos - at the first wince, up you get and off to some nice place to withdraw until you feel better. Just be matter of fact about it. "Oh, I was about to go into a full anxiety attack, and partner came along to make sure I had a paper bag to breathe into."
Their habit of overwhelming you has gotten established from all the times you gritted your teeth and pretended to smile. But you don't have to do that. Someone might say, "It's so rude!" if you withdraw during the dance performance or the toasts or the parade around town, but if they do just assure them it would have been much ruder if you had thrown up on the banquet table.
You don't want to negotiate with them because they are boundary pushers. You don't want to set boundaries for them because then you have to enforce those boundaries. What you want in the long run is for your families to say, "Wouldn't it be great to have all the guys dress up as cancan dancers and dance around Orbit-3! ....But we had better not. It would ruin the day for Orbit-3."
Right now they probably don't get it. They enjoy being embarrassed. They enjoy being over excited. Of course they blush and protest when it happens to them, but they really enjoy it. So on some level they think you are being coy about getting made the centre of attention, or having fun poked at you. They think you are being stuffy and boring. They don't understand yet that they have been overwhelming you. They think they have only been making you pleasurably embarrassed.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Let's say someone gets up and starts making toasts full of sexy innuendos - at the first wince, up you get and off to some nice place to withdraw until you feel better. Just be matter of fact about it. "Oh, I was about to go into a full anxiety attack, and partner came along to make sure I had a paper bag to breathe into."
Their habit of overwhelming you has gotten established from all the times you gritted your teeth and pretended to smile. But you don't have to do that. Someone might say, "It's so rude!" if you withdraw during the dance performance or the toasts or the parade around town, but if they do just assure them it would have been much ruder if you had thrown up on the banquet table.
You don't want to negotiate with them because they are boundary pushers. You don't want to set boundaries for them because then you have to enforce those boundaries. What you want in the long run is for your families to say, "Wouldn't it be great to have all the guys dress up as cancan dancers and dance around Orbit-3! ....But we had better not. It would ruin the day for Orbit-3."
Right now they probably don't get it. They enjoy being embarrassed. They enjoy being over excited. Of course they blush and protest when it happens to them, but they really enjoy it. So on some level they think you are being coy about getting made the centre of attention, or having fun poked at you. They think you are being stuffy and boring. They don't understand yet that they have been overwhelming you. They think they have only been making you pleasurably embarrassed.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:47 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
I so hate the spurious introvert/extrovert binary -- there are simply people with varying levels of need for solitude versus companionship, varying levels of noise versus quiet, varying levels of rudeness, etc. Your family values companionship and they are rude (by "rude" I mean they are concerned with their happiness over other people's), and they have other variances from you as well (for instance, different feelings on surprises). It's not a single difference on a single axis. I'm not just quibbling: realizing how multifaceted the differences are changes how you react to them.
My family likes to perform companionship, tends towards rudeness, and thinks a parody song, dance, or sketch is the height of compliment regardless of what the target desires, so I feel you... I've been forced to perform in many a thing. So, a) of all, be glad they're only asking you to spectate, I guess? More importantly, I think it's worthwhile to break down the differences that matter -- they don't care about your comfort and you do; they love surprises and you hate them -- versus the ones that don't. It's okay if they perform companionship at you, right? Even if that's not your usual MO, it doesn't bother you? Okay then: the task is to make a channel to let them perform companionship but still minimize the differences that really bother you (the surprise, the lack of concern for your feelings).
Broken down like that, it sounds to me like the best solution would be either to ask them to make a video of their dance for you ("because surprises make us anxious, and also this way we can enjoy it forever!") or actually put their dance on the schedule, after they've given you a pretty clear idea of what will be happening (script, choreography) so that there will be no shocks. Script: "We want to let you do the dance you worked so hard on! This is the way you can do it that will be best for us."
posted by babelfish at 7:48 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
My family likes to perform companionship, tends towards rudeness, and thinks a parody song, dance, or sketch is the height of compliment regardless of what the target desires, so I feel you... I've been forced to perform in many a thing. So, a) of all, be glad they're only asking you to spectate, I guess? More importantly, I think it's worthwhile to break down the differences that matter -- they don't care about your comfort and you do; they love surprises and you hate them -- versus the ones that don't. It's okay if they perform companionship at you, right? Even if that's not your usual MO, it doesn't bother you? Okay then: the task is to make a channel to let them perform companionship but still minimize the differences that really bother you (the surprise, the lack of concern for your feelings).
Broken down like that, it sounds to me like the best solution would be either to ask them to make a video of their dance for you ("because surprises make us anxious, and also this way we can enjoy it forever!") or actually put their dance on the schedule, after they've given you a pretty clear idea of what will be happening (script, choreography) so that there will be no shocks. Script: "We want to let you do the dance you worked so hard on! This is the way you can do it that will be best for us."
posted by babelfish at 7:48 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just in case they disrespect your wishes, hide a bottle of chilled champagne and some strawberries in a secret location, escape with your spouse for a romantic interlude, and return at the end clapping as if you had never been gone.
posted by Vaike at 9:28 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 9:28 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Everyone telling you to be firm is giving you giving you great advice if you want to keep smacking down about something that means nothing. Let them dance. Look at your phone or leave the room if you have to. What do you care? Anyway, it's impressive 20 people coordinated like this. Life is full of all sorts. Unless they want you to dance (Whoops! You're in the bathroom!) I can't see the problem.
Nope, I totally disagree. This most definitely IS important. Your wishes at your event should be respected. It's been a problem in the past, it continues to be a problem. I think this is a perfect place to draw the line. If not now than when? How many more times must you be made miserable for the sake of someone else's whim. It's not the 15 mins of dancing, it's the disrespect of your wishes and the desire to put their enjoyment over your own at YOUR wedding reception. It's like if you asked there to be no pets at your event and your family all brought their dogs anyway because... Well... Because they felt like it and why should you get to tell them what to do? Stand firm. This makes me really angry on your behalf!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
Nope, I totally disagree. This most definitely IS important. Your wishes at your event should be respected. It's been a problem in the past, it continues to be a problem. I think this is a perfect place to draw the line. If not now than when? How many more times must you be made miserable for the sake of someone else's whim. It's not the 15 mins of dancing, it's the disrespect of your wishes and the desire to put their enjoyment over your own at YOUR wedding reception. It's like if you asked there to be no pets at your event and your family all brought their dogs anyway because... Well... Because they felt like it and why should you get to tell them what to do? Stand firm. This makes me really angry on your behalf!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]
I am going to gently be another voice here, because I come from a little more traditional upbringing, and your question kind of horrified me. In my eyes and in some other people's eyes, weddings are only partly about you, and partly about families joining. To make the wedding in such a way that it is nice for you but not for your family/guests, to me, would be the height of rudeness.
I recognize this is a cultural difference for some people. But one thing I'm coming to understand is culture is sometimes generational. Parents may have a cultural expectation of the wedding being for them, while you may have a cultural expectation of it being for you. This is going to cause clash, and hard clash, because nobody is really right. It is a cultural difference with no right answer.
I would suggest in your communication with them, using the language of love. "It makes me feel loved when you tell me what is going on, even though I know you love surprises. It makes me feel special and appreciated." Because then you're not saying "your cultural expectation is wrong." You're saying "please demonstrate your love for me by not."
posted by corb at 4:07 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I recognize this is a cultural difference for some people. But one thing I'm coming to understand is culture is sometimes generational. Parents may have a cultural expectation of the wedding being for them, while you may have a cultural expectation of it being for you. This is going to cause clash, and hard clash, because nobody is really right. It is a cultural difference with no right answer.
I would suggest in your communication with them, using the language of love. "It makes me feel loved when you tell me what is going on, even though I know you love surprises. It makes me feel special and appreciated." Because then you're not saying "your cultural expectation is wrong." You're saying "please demonstrate your love for me by not."
posted by corb at 4:07 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
I am so torn, because I so respect your desire to enjoy your event, but I also feel for the people who feel like they were trying to express love for you and learned you didn't trust them to do it - which, in fairness, you didn't.
Yes, if people love you, they try to respect your feelings. At the same time, there's a give and take in loving relationships where you have to give people some freedom to express love their way, not just your way. Your family members might feel the most loved by you on their special days if you did a surprise dance performance for them, but that doesn't mean you have to do it. You have to show love in your own way, but so do they.
I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you have done what they think you have done: you have nixed their plan to celebrate how much they love you. That's not wrong! But I would encourage you to try your hardest to feel okay about what you did while also having compassion for their feelings. I am an expressive person - I make gestures to people, and while they're usually not public, I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if they said, "Don't do that, because you'll embarrass me." I would respect their right to say it, of course, and I would abide by it, but it would hurt.
Please don't make it about who's paying. That always seems like a sad way to navigate people's feelings. Nobody should want to sabotage your party in a way you wouldn't want, but you now know that what they had in mind was quite harmless and loving even if you might have found it silly. And yes, for them surprising you was important. It sounds like they legitimately hoped to delight you. I understand why you weren't thrilled, but I also understand why they were hurt.
So many people struggle to assert their own feelings with their families that now and then, I feel like advice veers too far in the direction of "the hell with your family! It's about you!" It's not *not* about you, but it's not *just* about you. It's okay for you to assert yourself and also show them mercy as well-meaning people who feel like you rebuffed them.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but how people show love is always a compromise between what means love to them and what means love to you. And while part of loving you is endeavoring to give you love in the way you, by your nature, want to receive it, part of loving them is endeavoring to receive love in the way they, by their nature, want to give it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yes, if people love you, they try to respect your feelings. At the same time, there's a give and take in loving relationships where you have to give people some freedom to express love their way, not just your way. Your family members might feel the most loved by you on their special days if you did a surprise dance performance for them, but that doesn't mean you have to do it. You have to show love in your own way, but so do they.
I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you have done what they think you have done: you have nixed their plan to celebrate how much they love you. That's not wrong! But I would encourage you to try your hardest to feel okay about what you did while also having compassion for their feelings. I am an expressive person - I make gestures to people, and while they're usually not public, I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if they said, "Don't do that, because you'll embarrass me." I would respect their right to say it, of course, and I would abide by it, but it would hurt.
Please don't make it about who's paying. That always seems like a sad way to navigate people's feelings. Nobody should want to sabotage your party in a way you wouldn't want, but you now know that what they had in mind was quite harmless and loving even if you might have found it silly. And yes, for them surprising you was important. It sounds like they legitimately hoped to delight you. I understand why you weren't thrilled, but I also understand why they were hurt.
So many people struggle to assert their own feelings with their families that now and then, I feel like advice veers too far in the direction of "the hell with your family! It's about you!" It's not *not* about you, but it's not *just* about you. It's okay for you to assert yourself and also show them mercy as well-meaning people who feel like you rebuffed them.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but how people show love is always a compromise between what means love to them and what means love to you. And while part of loving you is endeavoring to give you love in the way you, by your nature, want to receive it, part of loving them is endeavoring to receive love in the way they, by their nature, want to give it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm an extrovert who *hates* surprises (maybe that is a weird combo but I've always been that way) and while I love being around my friends, it would not be enjoyable and fun if those other people were uncomfortable or anxious so I cannot fathom extroverts that would want this. UGH. That like defeats the purpose of group fun.
Weddings & receptions are events both for the couple and their loved ones but this is one side wanting to do something that you find upsetting and unpleasant. I think Jane the Brown is likely correct - they don't know you aren't kidding or coy & that her solution is a good one. Step away and like Vaike suggests have a nice little something waiting for you two to enjoy together.
Good luck!
posted by pointystick at 5:03 AM on March 17, 2016
Weddings & receptions are events both for the couple and their loved ones but this is one side wanting to do something that you find upsetting and unpleasant. I think Jane the Brown is likely correct - they don't know you aren't kidding or coy & that her solution is a good one. Step away and like Vaike suggests have a nice little something waiting for you two to enjoy together.
Good luck!
posted by pointystick at 5:03 AM on March 17, 2016
Best answer: A possible script to manage their hurt that the surprise is "ruined" might be: "Please understand that I have been a good sport when (you surprised me all these other times), because I understood that you did it out of love and excitement. But I want you to understand that those times were not comfortable for me and I was giving YOU the chance to express love in the way you wanted. Now I am asking you to respect the ways I like to express myself sometimes, too, and my wedding is a big deal to me, and I asked you to express your love for me by giving me a low-stress, surprise-free day."
I have my doubts they will get it, but I think if you tell them this and they continue to act pissy that the surprise is RUINED, well, then they're just being brats who aren't listening or caring about what you want.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
I have my doubts they will get it, but I think if you tell them this and they continue to act pissy that the surprise is RUINED, well, then they're just being brats who aren't listening or caring about what you want.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]
I think you would have been within your rights to ask them not to do their little dance (honestly, the thought of being a guest having to sit through a FIFTEEN MINUTE dance routine put on by people so clueless they didn't even care about the feelings of the bride and groom (and thus, presumably, don't really care about the rest of the audience either), and then having to applaud and act like they were just so darned entertaining and wacky and gosh wasn't that the best part of the whole darned wedding ... well, it sounds pretty painful to me), but the fact that you weren't even doing that - all you wanted was to NOT be ambushed with something unexpected - makes it pretty blasted ridiculous that your family is reacting the way they are.
I guess if "springing surprises" is a central pillar of identity for some of your family members I can see how they might take rejection of surprises as rejection of them, in which case maybe one-on-one talks where you emphasize all the things you love about them might help smooth things over, but this should be just one part of a larger conversation where you clearly and directly state that you want no surprises. It sounds like it isn't a matter of whether or not you trust your family to surprise you with something you'll like - presumably even if the surprise were five million dollars, you wouldn't enjoy it as much because surprises are stressful and unpleasant for you - so maybe play on that angle. In addition, I would:
1. Figure out what you'll do if a surprise is imposed on you anyway - Vaike's strawberries and champagne idea sounds like a good one to me. That way, you at least have control over your response and need not feel trapped. Hopefully this will help give you enough control that you won't have to feel like you're spending your whole wedding "bracing" yourself for a surprise.
2. If possible, figure out some sort of after party location/plans for your more boisterous guests - let them go dance at each other all night long if that's what they want. Heck, ask your "surprise ringleaders" to plan this and let them announce it to the other guests as a surprise to the guests, if surprises are that crucial to them. You don't have to do the after party.
Good luck and best wishes - just keep reminding yourself that one way or the other, this will all be behind you two months from now!
posted by DingoMutt at 5:38 AM on March 17, 2016
I guess if "springing surprises" is a central pillar of identity for some of your family members I can see how they might take rejection of surprises as rejection of them, in which case maybe one-on-one talks where you emphasize all the things you love about them might help smooth things over, but this should be just one part of a larger conversation where you clearly and directly state that you want no surprises. It sounds like it isn't a matter of whether or not you trust your family to surprise you with something you'll like - presumably even if the surprise were five million dollars, you wouldn't enjoy it as much because surprises are stressful and unpleasant for you - so maybe play on that angle. In addition, I would:
1. Figure out what you'll do if a surprise is imposed on you anyway - Vaike's strawberries and champagne idea sounds like a good one to me. That way, you at least have control over your response and need not feel trapped. Hopefully this will help give you enough control that you won't have to feel like you're spending your whole wedding "bracing" yourself for a surprise.
2. If possible, figure out some sort of after party location/plans for your more boisterous guests - let them go dance at each other all night long if that's what they want. Heck, ask your "surprise ringleaders" to plan this and let them announce it to the other guests as a surprise to the guests, if surprises are that crucial to them. You don't have to do the after party.
Good luck and best wishes - just keep reminding yourself that one way or the other, this will all be behind you two months from now!
posted by DingoMutt at 5:38 AM on March 17, 2016
Best answer: (P.S. Won't you wonderful folks join us at our reception instead? I really thought we had a lovely day planned. We focused our money on interesting food and drink (poke! seafood! dim sum! poutine!), we ordered the wedding edition of Love Letter for favors, and we had an awesome DJ. We really just wanted to have fun in our own way.)
Hi, that sounds exactly like the wedding reception I'm planning, down to the interesting food and the wedding edition of Love Letter for favors.
I feel you. My partner and I are super-introverted as well, and it feels like we, okay I, get assaulted on all sides with the hey-isn't-this-a-good-idea or why-is-there-no-dancing, even though that's so much more attention, work, and stress than either of us are prepared for.
I was trying to articulate that I don't want too much fuss, and the response I was given was: "It's your wedding. Do you really think you're not going to be the center of attention?"
So, anyway, I think you did the right thing with the responses, but the attitude really bites. Just keep being gracious and is there anyone in your family who understands, at least a little? If there's someone, maybe see if you can coordinate getting out of the house with them a little, just to give yourself a break. I have an aunt who is very supportive, and my backup plan is to hide at her house for a few hours if I feel like I'm about to smite my immediate family.
If they do go with a surprise, just smile and nod, and also, if they're going to pitch a fit about it, well, guess what? It just makes them look bad. My parents, in particular, are gung-ho about wanting the ceremony to be a good deal more formal than I'm prepared for. If they want to be toddlers about it, then they'll come, they'll eat, and then can leave early. The rest of us will drink wine and play board games and be just fine. (I honestly believe that once they see our friends and his family members behaving like normal people, they'll put on their grown-up pants and maybe actually have a decent time.)
posted by PearlRose at 7:18 AM on March 17, 2016
Hi, that sounds exactly like the wedding reception I'm planning, down to the interesting food and the wedding edition of Love Letter for favors.
I feel you. My partner and I are super-introverted as well, and it feels like we, okay I, get assaulted on all sides with the hey-isn't-this-a-good-idea or why-is-there-no-dancing, even though that's so much more attention, work, and stress than either of us are prepared for.
I was trying to articulate that I don't want too much fuss, and the response I was given was: "It's your wedding. Do you really think you're not going to be the center of attention?"
So, anyway, I think you did the right thing with the responses, but the attitude really bites. Just keep being gracious and is there anyone in your family who understands, at least a little? If there's someone, maybe see if you can coordinate getting out of the house with them a little, just to give yourself a break. I have an aunt who is very supportive, and my backup plan is to hide at her house for a few hours if I feel like I'm about to smite my immediate family.
If they do go with a surprise, just smile and nod, and also, if they're going to pitch a fit about it, well, guess what? It just makes them look bad. My parents, in particular, are gung-ho about wanting the ceremony to be a good deal more formal than I'm prepared for. If they want to be toddlers about it, then they'll come, they'll eat, and then can leave early. The rest of us will drink wine and play board games and be just fine. (I honestly believe that once they see our friends and his family members behaving like normal people, they'll put on their grown-up pants and maybe actually have a decent time.)
posted by PearlRose at 7:18 AM on March 17, 2016
Response by poster: Am I understanding right that you didn't even tell them they couldn't do their dance; they're just mad because you insisted they tell you what was going on at your own damn party?
Yes, that is correct.
For context on the tone I'm currently taking with them, prior to posting this Ask I sent an email to the organizer (who had just asserted that they would not perform a ruined surprise performance) that began firm and stern about stating our preferences for no surprises, and how their actions and subsequent responses after we protested were causing unnecessary stress. This is the latter half of that email:
"We can and do appreciate the thought and effort that went into this from you and from people we all love very dearly. I understand that you were trying to do something special, setting for it the quality of the highest standard of something that you and many others would love to receive. You would only give us a gift of the quality you would want for yourself, which is sweet and flattering, even if the delivery didn't quite match with our personalities. It's a lovely choreography and I like that you incorporated moves from some of my favorite songs. I can see from the video that you and the family enjoyed and bonded over this, and I think that is valuable and important, even if you ultimately feel you don't want to continue this. We would accept your intentions themselves as the gift, with love and gratitude.
We didn't ask for the details so that we could judge your performance to see whether it's "good enough" for our reception. It's the knowing that puts us at ease, and in a much better position to enjoy it when it happens. If you and the family still want to go through with the performance, we are now much more receptive to it. If not, that's also fine and we hope that you will still be able to enjoy the evening as our guests. You could repurpose the dance into something for the [extended] family party, or people can recreate parts of it during the reception dance, as the songs are also included in the suggested playlist. You can decide what will make you most comfortable and will allow you to enjoy the day."
The organizer has still decided not to perform. Which is her and the family's right, but I want to make clear that it's not that they were unwelcome to do so, at least after we knew about it. We just needed more reassurance about our own event. It's also not a case of us throwing an introvert's revenge of silent bookreading at the reception or whatever. I straddle the line of introvert and functional extrovert myself. I love dancing, we hired a DJ, and our goal was that everyone enjoy a nice evening of food, mingling, card games, and then dancing. (Just not in a surprise way.)
Based on some of the advice here, I'm of the thought that my communication thus far has been sufficient and I don't need to say more. I will focus more on being happy and excited to enjoy the reunion (and hopefully projecting that onto them once I get there), and deflecting further grumblings about this as necessary.
Thanks for all your responses! The advice has been varied and has given us a few viewpoints to consider, and we appreciate it.
posted by orbit-3 at 5:15 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yes, that is correct.
For context on the tone I'm currently taking with them, prior to posting this Ask I sent an email to the organizer (who had just asserted that they would not perform a ruined surprise performance) that began firm and stern about stating our preferences for no surprises, and how their actions and subsequent responses after we protested were causing unnecessary stress. This is the latter half of that email:
"We can and do appreciate the thought and effort that went into this from you and from people we all love very dearly. I understand that you were trying to do something special, setting for it the quality of the highest standard of something that you and many others would love to receive. You would only give us a gift of the quality you would want for yourself, which is sweet and flattering, even if the delivery didn't quite match with our personalities. It's a lovely choreography and I like that you incorporated moves from some of my favorite songs. I can see from the video that you and the family enjoyed and bonded over this, and I think that is valuable and important, even if you ultimately feel you don't want to continue this. We would accept your intentions themselves as the gift, with love and gratitude.
We didn't ask for the details so that we could judge your performance to see whether it's "good enough" for our reception. It's the knowing that puts us at ease, and in a much better position to enjoy it when it happens. If you and the family still want to go through with the performance, we are now much more receptive to it. If not, that's also fine and we hope that you will still be able to enjoy the evening as our guests. You could repurpose the dance into something for the [extended] family party, or people can recreate parts of it during the reception dance, as the songs are also included in the suggested playlist. You can decide what will make you most comfortable and will allow you to enjoy the day."
The organizer has still decided not to perform. Which is her and the family's right, but I want to make clear that it's not that they were unwelcome to do so, at least after we knew about it. We just needed more reassurance about our own event. It's also not a case of us throwing an introvert's revenge of silent bookreading at the reception or whatever. I straddle the line of introvert and functional extrovert myself. I love dancing, we hired a DJ, and our goal was that everyone enjoy a nice evening of food, mingling, card games, and then dancing. (Just not in a surprise way.)
Based on some of the advice here, I'm of the thought that my communication thus far has been sufficient and I don't need to say more. I will focus more on being happy and excited to enjoy the reunion (and hopefully projecting that onto them once I get there), and deflecting further grumblings about this as necessary.
Thanks for all your responses! The advice has been varied and has given us a few viewpoints to consider, and we appreciate it.
posted by orbit-3 at 5:15 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: As an upside, my partner and I are at least trying to find the humor in this as a bonding experience. This includes brainstorming ridiculous exit strategies for if things get too hairy at the reception, like setting the slideshow to loop a continuous Sandra Bullock expletive rant (NSFW) and then departing on jetpacks, middle fingers blazing. We highly recommend it as a coping strategy!
posted by orbit-3 at 5:21 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by orbit-3 at 5:21 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]
We didn't ask for the details so that we could judge your performance to see whether it's "good enough" for our reception.
OP, if the above is what the organizer of the dance thought your request was for, it speaks volumes about what is happening in this situation. It seems like they can't understand/accept/empathize that surprises are genuinely super uncomfortable for you. Their brains came up with an explanation that works with their world view instead. So instead of you being genuinely uncomfortable, they have framed it as you can't trust them to preform to your standards. The problem lies in their inability to emphasize and trust you. So basically, yeah, nothing more you can do here. Move on and enjoy your celebration, maybe a little easier now that you understand its their limitations, not yours that caused the fuss in the first place.
Congratulations on your wedding btw, I hope you have a lovely party!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:34 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
OP, if the above is what the organizer of the dance thought your request was for, it speaks volumes about what is happening in this situation. It seems like they can't understand/accept/empathize that surprises are genuinely super uncomfortable for you. Their brains came up with an explanation that works with their world view instead. So instead of you being genuinely uncomfortable, they have framed it as you can't trust them to preform to your standards. The problem lies in their inability to emphasize and trust you. So basically, yeah, nothing more you can do here. Move on and enjoy your celebration, maybe a little easier now that you understand its their limitations, not yours that caused the fuss in the first place.
Congratulations on your wedding btw, I hope you have a lovely party!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:34 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hallo! Final update, as an acknowledgement to all the wonderful advice given here and also for some future hapless couple in a similar situation, so they know what can possibly go down.
The reception went beautifully, which full stop is the most important takeaway for us. PearlRose, I hope you have just as wonderful a day with your own reception! Folks universally loved the Love Letter favors, so digital fist bump!
No one tried to (re?)pull off the surprise, but there was some palpable resentment on arrival for the extended visit which led to an unprovoked blowout over an unrelated thing early on in the week. The family dynamics mentioned by several folks in this thread about mutual reinforcement, boundary pushing and control seemed to be spot on, particularly the idea that certain family members seemed to thrive on communication via conflict. I fought fair, but angry as hell both in public and private, and the actual expressed anger is what seemed to finally register with the most egregious people. They cried and hugged it out afterward and then the rest of the week went without incident. They... even seemed to be a lot more polite and helpful than usual.
And sort of predictably, at the actual reception my family had a lot of fun and even organized to perform impromptu parts of their choreographed dance (cheered on by me) once the individual songs were played (because they were already on my playlist). I did get some comments later on by some guests along the lines of "So, I heard you said 'No' to your family doing a flash mob?" Which... *sigh*. WalkerWestridge's observation on folks creating the narrative that works for them is really good advice to heed. They can have the narrative they want, because in the end, the day was everything we wanted and I get to go home with my spouse.
Takeaways! (for me and for the next person doing the sad search two weeks before their own event):
- Weddings make people weird, man! Count me and my spouse forever in the wedding planning support group for harried couples.
- Being able to leave a situation as an adult (and knowing it) is valuable! My spouse and I were fully prepared to drive right back home for the week if folks didn't behave civilly. This is so so freeing.
- Consulting AskMeFi for help in grounding and considering all perspectives was so helpful in bolstering my own confidence in communicating firmly and fairly, even through anger.
Thanks again!
posted by orbit-3 at 3:47 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
The reception went beautifully, which full stop is the most important takeaway for us. PearlRose, I hope you have just as wonderful a day with your own reception! Folks universally loved the Love Letter favors, so digital fist bump!
No one tried to (re?)pull off the surprise, but there was some palpable resentment on arrival for the extended visit which led to an unprovoked blowout over an unrelated thing early on in the week. The family dynamics mentioned by several folks in this thread about mutual reinforcement, boundary pushing and control seemed to be spot on, particularly the idea that certain family members seemed to thrive on communication via conflict. I fought fair, but angry as hell both in public and private, and the actual expressed anger is what seemed to finally register with the most egregious people. They cried and hugged it out afterward and then the rest of the week went without incident. They... even seemed to be a lot more polite and helpful than usual.
And sort of predictably, at the actual reception my family had a lot of fun and even organized to perform impromptu parts of their choreographed dance (cheered on by me) once the individual songs were played (because they were already on my playlist). I did get some comments later on by some guests along the lines of "So, I heard you said 'No' to your family doing a flash mob?" Which... *sigh*. WalkerWestridge's observation on folks creating the narrative that works for them is really good advice to heed. They can have the narrative they want, because in the end, the day was everything we wanted and I get to go home with my spouse.
Takeaways! (for me and for the next person doing the sad search two weeks before their own event):
- Weddings make people weird, man! Count me and my spouse forever in the wedding planning support group for harried couples.
- Being able to leave a situation as an adult (and knowing it) is valuable! My spouse and I were fully prepared to drive right back home for the week if folks didn't behave civilly. This is so so freeing.
- Consulting AskMeFi for help in grounding and considering all perspectives was so helpful in bolstering my own confidence in communicating firmly and fairly, even through anger.
Thanks again!
posted by orbit-3 at 3:47 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
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I'd caution you that to my mind this does not sound at all like they're not going to do it, it sounds like they're going to try to roll back the clock and now be able to perform it as the "surprise" they wanted in the first place. So unless you've had some super clear "Let's get this straight once and for all" talk with them, I'd nail that down.
And honestly, there's sort of a push-pull thing here. You can't both have things exactly the way you want them and have other people be totally okay with that if they wanted something else. I mean I totally get the feeling that if they were trying to see this event as YOUR event they should learn to see making you happy and relaxed as a prime directive (I am with you, no surprises at my special event at all thank you). But, they're not like that. And at some level this event is sort of for them since you're already married. I totally hear that you don't want them to commandeer time and that you really want to be the HOST which means knowing what's going to be happening etc. I think that is reasonable.
So it sounds like you and your partner are doing great at being on Team Us about this and really what you'll have to do is be gracious about their hurt feelings in that "Yeah that's too bad, couldn't be helped..." way. You seem to almost feel bad about wanting things your way at your thing and I'd try to push through that. They can feel however they want about you and your event and the thing they wanted to do but ultimately they wanted to push through something which was not what you wanted, at your own event, and if they feel bad about that they will need to manage their own feelings not rub them all over you and try to make this all about them. Courage. You can get through this.
posted by jessamyn at 3:46 PM on March 16, 2016 [9 favorites]