Tell me what to say when I have the relationship talk
March 14, 2016 9:08 PM Subscribe
I've been seeing a guy for four months now and I think it's time to have the relationship talk but I don't want to mostly because I have no idea how to do this at all or what to say. So please help!
We've been dating for a while and met off of tinder. This complicates things because when I met him, his tinder profile explicitly said he wasn't looking for anything serious. I definitely was not either, so it didn't bother me.
Anyway, we met, really hit it off, and about two weeks in, he asked me what I was looking for. I said I didn't know at the time because I really didn't. On one hand, I thought I was wanting something super casual but I also could see myself really liking the guy and not wanting casualness later. I also happen to be very indecisive and wishy washy about things so I didn't want to say one thing and change my mind later so I said I didn't know. He told me it was fine that I didn't know but he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and wasn't looking to move in with anyone and I thought, that's fine, neither am I. We decided on dating exclusively, that we could talk about it at a future date if I decided what I wanted, and left it at that.
It's been a while now and we see each other regularly, talk everyday, we've met each other's friends but not families. We've been on trips together, exchanged gifts and we're at a point where we know we'll see each other soon. It doesn't feel casual to me anymore and I feel like I should say something especially because I don't want just to be dating exclusively. I just don't know what to say or how to word it. This is the first guy that I've dated that I want something serious with. Also my friends (we're all early/mid-twenties, he's early 30s) keep telling me that I shouldn't say anything until he says something or to just go with the flow because it should be up to him if he wants something serious based off of what he said earlier.
So I guess my question is do I say something? And if so, what do I say? How do I say it? Are there rules to such things?
We've been dating for a while and met off of tinder. This complicates things because when I met him, his tinder profile explicitly said he wasn't looking for anything serious. I definitely was not either, so it didn't bother me.
Anyway, we met, really hit it off, and about two weeks in, he asked me what I was looking for. I said I didn't know at the time because I really didn't. On one hand, I thought I was wanting something super casual but I also could see myself really liking the guy and not wanting casualness later. I also happen to be very indecisive and wishy washy about things so I didn't want to say one thing and change my mind later so I said I didn't know. He told me it was fine that I didn't know but he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and wasn't looking to move in with anyone and I thought, that's fine, neither am I. We decided on dating exclusively, that we could talk about it at a future date if I decided what I wanted, and left it at that.
It's been a while now and we see each other regularly, talk everyday, we've met each other's friends but not families. We've been on trips together, exchanged gifts and we're at a point where we know we'll see each other soon. It doesn't feel casual to me anymore and I feel like I should say something especially because I don't want just to be dating exclusively. I just don't know what to say or how to word it. This is the first guy that I've dated that I want something serious with. Also my friends (we're all early/mid-twenties, he's early 30s) keep telling me that I shouldn't say anything until he says something or to just go with the flow because it should be up to him if he wants something serious based off of what he said earlier.
So I guess my question is do I say something? And if so, what do I say? How do I say it? Are there rules to such things?
Saying nothing is dumb, or at least an admittance to yourself of gender-role-playing. stoneweaver's suggestion is great; it's simple, direct, and easy for your guy to respond to either way.
posted by anadem at 9:51 PM on March 14, 2016
posted by anadem at 9:51 PM on March 14, 2016
I'm a bit of a romantic, so I'd probably go a little more flowery than stoneweaver:
"I was thinking back to the day when we had just started dating, and you asked me what I wanted out of a relationship. I was a little lost then and didn't know the answer, and I said so. But now that some time has passed, I've gotten to know you much better and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I'd be interested in getting more serious. What do you think?"
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:01 PM on March 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
"I was thinking back to the day when we had just started dating, and you asked me what I wanted out of a relationship. I was a little lost then and didn't know the answer, and I said so. But now that some time has passed, I've gotten to know you much better and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I'd be interested in getting more serious. What do you think?"
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:01 PM on March 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
No, don't wait until he brings it up. If you want something more with this guy, and he still says he wants to keep it casual, finding that out sooner rather than later is going to be much better for you. You're friends aren't exactly wrong, they are telling you to respect his boundaries, which is fine. BUT it is always ok to check in about these things from time to time to make sure you both understand how the other person feels and what they want. You do have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he does not want what you want, and you will need to accept that.
I don't correlate 'dating exclusively' with 'casual' at all -- that sounds like the opposite of casual to me! But regardless, talk to him. You're both adults, and it's important to be clear about things like this if you want the relationship to move forward.
posted by ananci at 10:41 PM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
I don't correlate 'dating exclusively' with 'casual' at all -- that sounds like the opposite of casual to me! But regardless, talk to him. You're both adults, and it's important to be clear about things like this if you want the relationship to move forward.
posted by ananci at 10:41 PM on March 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
I didn't want to say one thing and change my mind later so I said I didn't know.
Just want to point out that you are allowed to change your mind. It's not the end of the world to want one thing and then later, as circumstances change, want another.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:52 AM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just want to point out that you are allowed to change your mind. It's not the end of the world to want one thing and then later, as circumstances change, want another.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:52 AM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd for sure say something like, "You know when we first met that I didn't know what I wanted from our relationship? Well after getting to know you, I wanted you to know that I'm falling for you. I know we started off casually, and that we're dating monogamously, I thought I should tell you that I can see a future with you. What do you think?"
Then talk. He may not be on the same page, if so, better you know now. If he is, great. You may have to assure him that you don't want him to move in with you, that seems to be a hot button for him. Besides, I don't suggest moving in together until there's a commitment in the offing (marriage).
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:39 AM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Then talk. He may not be on the same page, if so, better you know now. If he is, great. You may have to assure him that you don't want him to move in with you, that seems to be a hot button for him. Besides, I don't suggest moving in together until there's a commitment in the offing (marriage).
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:39 AM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
We decided on dating exclusively
You already have what you are looking for. Dude fell for you in the first few weeks. Let HIM give you the talk. He will.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:32 PM on March 15, 2016
You already have what you are looking for. Dude fell for you in the first few weeks. Let HIM give you the talk. He will.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:32 PM on March 15, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
My point is it is hard to have a talk until you are clear it is on what you are seeking. Having said that, I would talk to him and tell him you still are not sure what it is you are seeking, but this feels like it is moving toward something more serious and although you said you weren't sure before what you wanted, you are ok with the direction it is moving and are willing to keep progressing. Then ask him what he thinks.
posted by AugustWest at 9:30 PM on March 14, 2016 [2 favorites]