Do I tell the 'other' person about an affair?

March 7, 2016 6:23 PM

Long story, short, I have recently discovered my long term partner has been cheating on me with (many) different people. However, one that I know for certain are/were (now ex I guess) acquaintances of mine. Do I tell the husband??? I'll give more details below, about the specific situation, for those interested. I would be interested to hear from people who have specifically been the 'other' person in a situation like this, and if/when you would have wanted to know, or not know as it were, as opposed to getting into an ethical discussion about what is or isn't anyone's business, from people who have never experienced this before.

So, I know I need an STD test, I've already kicked the bastard to the curb, etc, so I don't need advice about any of that. What I would specially be interested to hear from are people who have been in this situation, and if you would have wanted to know (for those that found out later, or were told, etc). If it matters, my partner is male, I am female, the woman he cheated on me with is married with three children. We do not have any kids, etc. I do not know if the husband knows, I do not know him as well as the wife, but have met him a few times socially.

Suffice to say that the evidence I discovered shows with sufficiently little doubt, that they had an affair ongoing for months, I'm not sure how long, but then, who cares. It's been deleted now, if that matters. I think it is over now, but they seem to still be in contact, even if just as friends.

However. I also discovered that my partner had also been having affairs with multiple other people (I realise that he obviously has some sort of sick disease, because it's not like he was just 'in love' with someone else. These were one night stands, from people he met online, etc). I don't know any of the other people. I don't know if she even knows about all the others. I suspect not. I think she thought they were going to run away from her shit life together (if only they could ditch their asshole partners, right?!). Anyways. Here's the rub (ha-ha). I don't know if he used protection, etc, but I know even with protection, you can get certain STD from oral etc, and who knows what he got up to. I feel the hubby has the right to know, even though I don't want to talk to the wife, obviously, but he can tell her, and they should both be getting tested. They have kids ffs. They could be giving something to them as well. I would think oh surely she's gotten tested, but then again, there was the fact that I don't think she knew about all the others. I think she thought she was 'special' and therefore only 'really' sleeping with two guys, and she's obviously been married a long time, so she probably wouldn't bother. And I'm*sure* my now ex-partner would have convinced her that condoms=the devil (I know what he's like), since they were so 'in love' and all that crap.

The fact that I personally would just have liked to know, and my general feeling about cheating asshole's in general, cloud my judgement. I'm wondering if anyone has experience from the other side, would you have wanted to know earlier if someone could have told you? Do I tell just out of concern for their safety, in that they should both be getting tested, and all their kids? I really really really feel he has the right to know from that standpoint. I have a very very strong sense of always doing what is right (in general life) at any cost, which is at play here as well. However, I also don't want to cause unnecessary pain. What if he already knows? And they've decided to work it out? That's fair enough, each to their own, and I don't want to interfere in that. I don't desire to cause unnecessary hurt to anyone, by dragging up a bunch of old shit. Then I start thinking, if he knew why didn't anyone tell me, and I'm feeling like the only naive idiot in the situation, so I'm really back at position 1. So I'm trying to balance my thinking that he deserves to know, anyone deserves to know, vs causing someone pain. Can anyone relate an experience where you were happy or not happy to be told, whether you knew or not? Did you appreciate the other person going out on a limb for you? Or were you mad at them for getting involved? My argument is that in this day and age of all sorts of weird diseases, everyone is involved when this sort of thing happens, but as I said, my judgement is obviously clouded in this situation.

So, I'm looking for an impartial opinion. Do I tell? And if I do, how in the hell do I do it????? I can contact him on Facebook if I have to, but we are not Facebook friends. Do I just write one really long message, drop it in his lap, then vamoose outta there? Do I try to arrange to meet? Has anyone whose been on the other side been 'told' something like this? How were you told, and/or how would you have preferred being told (if you didn't like it). Or am I over thinking this, and anyone would just be happy to know regardless of the circumstances? Does anyone have any other ideas for telling him? I feel a bit weird to just randomly message someone out of the blue, and especially if he already knows, and I'm just dragging up old shit. But I'll suck up and do it if people think that's the best way. I not trying to be the bitchy ex gf, I don't care if they break up, I don't give two shits about what happens to them, its not for revenge, the plan would be telling him and then basically going, thought you should know, bye, then deleting him from my Facebook, etc. It purely from the point of view that I feel this really strong sense of sympathy for him and their sad life, and I personally would want to know. What does the wise hivemind think?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

This has been asked many times before and it's pretty much 50/50. Personally I wouldn't tell anyone else but then I prefer to avoid drama.
posted by Mitheral at 6:37 PM on March 7, 2016 [5 favorites]

They have 3 children? Say nothing to the husband. Do not interfere.

I understand your ex was a horn dog. You might notify her, short and factual:

Dear Person,

I know my ex was intimate with you, but also during the same time he was having casual sex with strangers he met online, etc.. You should get tested for STD's. I'm sure my ex will claim he never cheated on you, and he will be lying. Please get yourself tested.

Regards,

OP
posted by jbenben at 6:38 PM on March 7, 2016 [43 favorites]

I wouldn't tell. Not because it's not your business, but because there are 3 kids involved. Affairs during the course of a long term relationship are far more common than I think most people want to admit.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer here though. There are so many pros and cons on both sides. Does he have a right to know? Probably. Will knowing do more harm than good? Very possibly.

Also, take into account that there may be blow back on you. It's not right, but there is a chance that one or both of them will lash out at you or possibly seek some form of retribution.
posted by whoaali at 6:41 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

I guess I will be the first to vote tell. FWIW I do not think most cheaters only do it once, and if the wife is likely to repeat, well, I'd rather the kids deal with divorce earlier than later. If it's relevant I am a child of divorced parents due partly to infidelity.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:55 PM on March 7, 2016 [15 favorites]

I'd tell the wife as jbenben suggests.

Now if you test positive for anything, I'd probably upgrade to telling the husband separately. I don't think public health departments do a lot of tracking down transmission networks for garden variety STDs these days, so you're likely the only person a) with the sanity needed to deliver the message who b) knows who needs to hear it.

You might be able to do this through a service set up to notify people they need to be tested. I did a bit of research into those like four or five years ago, so I'm pretty sure there are neat options. Anyway, separating the emotional stuff from the possible infection stuff is critical.
posted by SMPA at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2016 [9 favorites]

The fact that there are children and affairs are common (the everyone does it excuse?) is not a reason for the OP to unilaterally decide that the husband has to put up with a cheating wife (who may well do it again) and stay in his relationship. No one gets to decide that but him, which is why he needs to know so he can get tested for STDs and make a call with all the info at hand instead of someone else deciding what's best for him and his family. Do it anonymously if you'd prefer to not have your name attached to it, but do it.
posted by Jubey at 7:13 PM on March 7, 2016 [31 favorites]

I think it would be wise to get your own health results back before taking any further action. You can also ask your health provider, if you get any bad news, what their thoughts would be on transmission, etc.. I wanted to point this out, though --

I feel the hubby has the right to know, even though I don't want to talk to the wife, obviously, but he can tell her, and they should both be getting tested. They have kids ffs. They could be giving something to them as well.

I'm pretty certain that unless the parents are having sexual contact with the kids that there isn't anything transmitted here that could be "given to the kids." So, try not to overcatastrophize what is already a fairly crap situation. Hope your testing comes back negative. So sorry you're going through this.
posted by amanda at 7:27 PM on March 7, 2016 [12 favorites]

The problem with not telling is that the reality is still very much there and causing problems (maybe STDs, maybe emotional stuff). Just less consciously.

The problem with telling is that it usually sets off a bomb instead of letting the problem-energy bleed off at the less conscious level, either by running its course or rotting the relationship through. And it deprives the cheater of some of the few actions they could take (coming clean) that could partially defuse the bomb. Also, it involves you.

There's no clean answer.

I think SMPA is right, though. The clearer the evidence that an STD is in play, the more it makes sense to notify anyone whose health is at risk.
posted by wildblueyonder at 7:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

I have not been in this situation, but my partner has, when her husband of a decade and a half was rutting all around town and online. When she found out, she also discovered that everyone knew but her, and she was humiliated by that. Basically, everyone who knew the situation but kept quiet effectively conspired to keep that information from the one person who needed to know, which was her. Don't be complicit in a conspiracy to protect a serial cheater. (And yes, she got an STD that she didn't know to protect herself from, and yes, they have kids. Kids are not a reason to cover up betrayal; I think they're the opposite.)
posted by ejs at 7:30 PM on March 7, 2016 [54 favorites]

My cousin was in your shoes almost exactly. She opted to send an anonymous note (not sure delivery method) to the husband that said simply, "For your health, you need to get tested for STDS. I can give no further information. Ignore at your own peril." She told me she has no idea what happened from there. She said she felt a sense of relief after she sent it and a sense that she had done the right thing by focusing on the health aspect and not the relationship as she has no idea what went on inside their relationship and had no desire to either screw it up or make unilateral decisions for them. She figured the hubby could choose to get tested and make a decision from there as to what to tell wife if anything. He was the person in the dark.

Good luck with the decision.
posted by AugustWest at 7:46 PM on March 7, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'm in the "telling" camp. I feel silence of the community and fear of "drama" traps people subtle (and sometimes overt) sexual/emotional/physical abuse and infidelity and torment.

I completely understand the concerns of the "stay out of it" camp, but I disagree especially in cases where there are practical health concerns.
posted by French Fry at 7:56 PM on March 7, 2016 [28 favorites]

One night stands with no condom and random people met online? That's pretty damn bad. I don't think you're overreacting. I would tell both of them. Tell the wife the whole story, too. Then block. Just be very matter of fact and say what you said here- you don't want revenge and don't care what happens with their relationship and you're sorry if they already know. Your ex is a conman. Maybe they can weirdly bond over that angle, who knows.
posted by quincunx at 9:27 PM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

At minimum, tell her. If I were him, I'd want to know. Yes, I've been in those shoes. More accurately, since I'm female, I've been in yours... but there wasn't someone else to tell. There was just me, that nobody told, even though everyone knew. And it was humiliating that I was the only one who didn't know, and nobody bothered to clue me in.
posted by stormyteal at 9:45 PM on March 7, 2016 [7 favorites]

Tell her. You have no way of knowing if her husband is (may become) abusive or violent. DV is even more taboo than STIs in some areas. Just tell her as per the above script suggested.

Also, I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Hugs if you wanted them.
posted by taff at 9:49 PM on March 7, 2016

Personally, I'd want to know, and my mother would have liked to find out the bad news a lot sooner.
posted by Jacen at 10:03 PM on March 7, 2016 [6 favorites]

If it were me, I'd want to know, but I trust me, and I'm pretty sure my response would be fair and measured. Do you trust the husband in this situation to act appropriately? Women (and their children) get murdered by their spouses over smaller shit than this every day, so I'd think long and hard about what this guy is likely to do with this information.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:42 PM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

I wish someone had told me. My ex had two affairs, and one of them broke apart the other woman's relationship before it broke mine. I wish her husband had told me.

When it wasn't me, but it was my best friend whose husband was cheating (I know, different situation.) I found out when I overheard him bragging about it at work (!). I told him that he had a one week deadline to tell my friend, or I would tell her myself. You could consider a similar approach.
posted by frumiousb at 12:09 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

Of course you tell him. I don't know, I'd want to know and he's free to ignore the information if he doesn't like it. Not telling him doesn't change the fact that his wife has been having an affair and probably will cheat on him again. If you tell him it's not you potentially ruining his life and relationship--his wife already did that by having an affair. I really don't understand the need to protect people from the truth when the truth is over something incredibly significant.

There's no great way to tell him, though. I'd just message him and invite him to contact you if he wants to discuss or needs further details. I've been in this situation before though and when I told the partner of the cheater, she flipped out, said there was no way he cheated on her, demanded proof, said I was out to ruin their relationship and was outright abusive to me. It was unbelievable. She had no reason to think any of those things based on the email I sent (which was totally measured and factual--not sure what else I could have sent her that wouldn't have triggered a temper-tantrum response). If she really didn't care she just would have ignored the message instead of pelting me with bullying and name-calling emails. I'd still tell her, I still feel that strongly about this and bottom line, I would absolutely want to know, but I don't think there's anyway I could have told her that wouldn't have resulted in her reacting as she did based on her personality--but I couldn't have known her reaction. So be prepared for it to go wrong but if this guy is a reasonable adult he'll probably be grateful for the information.
posted by Polychrome at 2:52 AM on March 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

I've been in his shoes. I was told and it was hugely ugly and I wished at the time I had not been. (Lo these 18 years later...eh. I don't have strong feelings about whether it was the right thing to do. We were all very young and very dumb and making not-great choices and I think the person telling me meant well, the whole thing rarely comes to mind anymore.)

I generally lean toward "don't tell" in these cases but with health issues involved I think maybe note to the wife is the way to go. Short, to the point, possibly anonymous, nothing blame-y or about your feelings that could open a can of drama for you. Just "Bad Ex was sleeping around at the same time he was sleeping with you, you should get tested." That's as far as I'd take it, I think. Leave the husband out of it. If she tests positive for something then it's on her to make that right with her family.
posted by Stacey at 4:50 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

You could tell. You could take out an add in the local paper with his picture in it and a list of possible lovers. But would you be believed? He sounds like a very convincing liar. The problem with convincing liars is that they lie better than most people tell the truth. He could turn this around on you and say that you are a jealous ex, spreading rumors about him. You could end up being harassed by all of his supporters.

I would want to know but, I've never been happily married to a cheater before. The husband may want to stay in denial. You can't predict his reaction because you don't know him well.

The one night stands got what they paid for. They had sex with someone they barely knew and he wasn't good to them. Hopefully they learned a lesson from it and now date someone a bit longer before sharing intimate bodily fluids.

If you have an STD, then yes, tell everyone. If not, leave it alone. It's not your fight.
posted by myselfasme at 5:33 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'd want to know.
posted by headnsouth at 6:03 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was cheated on by a guy who I was talking marriage and kids with. I was actually the other woman, but I didn't know it until after he broke it off with me. I WISH someone had told me. It would have saved me from drama, plus maybe the STI he gave me.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:04 PM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd tell. The secret keeping is one way that adultery keeps being somewhat socially acceptable, despite the enormous damage it causes. Yes, I'd definitely tell.
posted by Capri at 5:30 PM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

If someone's at risk for STD's they don't know they're at risk for, I think you have to tell. Do it anonymously if you want, but let them know they have to get checked at least.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:02 PM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

Normally I'm in the "don't tell camp," but in this case I like the tell HER idea. There does seem to be a health risk, but by telling her instead of him, it's clear (especially to you) that what is motivating the telling is purely a concern for people's health.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:38 PM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't give two shits about what happens to them

Then I'd suggest sitting on this decision for a little while.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:17 AM on March 9, 2016

I say tell. Anonymously if you prefer, but tell.

I have been in this situation precisely. I would certainly have wanted to know earlier than I did.

I would suggest a message from a throwaway email or Facebook account. Just alert him to the facts, then move on.
posted by Pechorin at 11:21 AM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]