How to start difficult relationship conversations
March 7, 2016 5:01 AM Subscribe
I need to talk to my boyfriend about some issues in our relationship, but I'm notoriously bad at confrontation and I never know how to start the conversation. It doesn't help that from my perspective it feels like I have a bunch of complaints without solutions (other than "stop doing that"). I want the conversation to be fair and effective.
Quick background: my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, and have lived together for much of that time. I'm approaching 40 and he's in his mid-30s. I helped him through a stretch of unemployment (he now has a solid job) and he is currently helping me through recovering from a medical issue. He's a good man who contributes to the relationship and cleans the house every week and helps take care of my dog and does the dishes and we have a lot of fun together. I do all the cooking and he thanks me for literally every meal when we sit down to eat.
What I first want to talk to him about is his temper. If something doesn't go his way, he will bang his fist on a table or throw something or slam doors. I've called him out a few times in the heat of the moment about it, and he's gotten better, but it still happens at least once a week. Examples of things that cause minor outbursts: he forgot to line the baking pan with foil before putting food on it; he got halfway up the 3 flights of stairs before remembering he left something in the car; he accidentally bought the wrong variety of thing at the store. Lately our downstairs neighbor frequently has her music or TV too loud, so he stomps around while he walks or bangs on the floor or turns our music/TV up super loud in retaliation. I realized the other day that I'm walking on eggshells, afraid to bring something up if it might be frustrating to him and cause an outburst, and that's no way to live.
Now to be clear, he has never once threatened or hurt me. These are quick flash-in-the-pan bursts of anger that dissipate super quickly. But I have no idea how to respond to them in the heat of the moment and more to the point of this question, I don't know how to bring them up outside of the heat of the moment.
I'm looking for a script for how to bring this up and talk about it productively. I know about using "I feel" statements, and the one thing that maybe has gotten through to him is when I told him that his outbursts make me feel scared and uncomfortable. But he also does not take well to criticism, and tends to catastrophize, especially if I respond immediately to one of his outbursts. Criticisms said in the heat of the moment have frequently resulted in him declaring "I can't do anything right" and walking off.
So I know I have to bring this up when he's not already frustrated/upset, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do so in a gentle way that is effective without being blaming. Because frankly it is blaming, and I just want him to stop.
Please no DTMFA at this time. We're at yellow flag stage, not red flag, and with this being anonymous I'm trying to give as much background as I can. I want to try working things out before I give up entirely because there's a lot of good worth saving.
TL;DR: I'm looking for tips or scripts for how to bring this (and other contentious issues) up and have a productive conversation about it. Literally what words do I say to start this conversation? "We need to talk" sounds so ominous. I'd also be happy to hear stories of you or your significant other successfully working through similar anger/temper issues, and what you/they did to get there.
Quick background: my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, and have lived together for much of that time. I'm approaching 40 and he's in his mid-30s. I helped him through a stretch of unemployment (he now has a solid job) and he is currently helping me through recovering from a medical issue. He's a good man who contributes to the relationship and cleans the house every week and helps take care of my dog and does the dishes and we have a lot of fun together. I do all the cooking and he thanks me for literally every meal when we sit down to eat.
What I first want to talk to him about is his temper. If something doesn't go his way, he will bang his fist on a table or throw something or slam doors. I've called him out a few times in the heat of the moment about it, and he's gotten better, but it still happens at least once a week. Examples of things that cause minor outbursts: he forgot to line the baking pan with foil before putting food on it; he got halfway up the 3 flights of stairs before remembering he left something in the car; he accidentally bought the wrong variety of thing at the store. Lately our downstairs neighbor frequently has her music or TV too loud, so he stomps around while he walks or bangs on the floor or turns our music/TV up super loud in retaliation. I realized the other day that I'm walking on eggshells, afraid to bring something up if it might be frustrating to him and cause an outburst, and that's no way to live.
Now to be clear, he has never once threatened or hurt me. These are quick flash-in-the-pan bursts of anger that dissipate super quickly. But I have no idea how to respond to them in the heat of the moment and more to the point of this question, I don't know how to bring them up outside of the heat of the moment.
I'm looking for a script for how to bring this up and talk about it productively. I know about using "I feel" statements, and the one thing that maybe has gotten through to him is when I told him that his outbursts make me feel scared and uncomfortable. But he also does not take well to criticism, and tends to catastrophize, especially if I respond immediately to one of his outbursts. Criticisms said in the heat of the moment have frequently resulted in him declaring "I can't do anything right" and walking off.
So I know I have to bring this up when he's not already frustrated/upset, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do so in a gentle way that is effective without being blaming. Because frankly it is blaming, and I just want him to stop.
Please no DTMFA at this time. We're at yellow flag stage, not red flag, and with this being anonymous I'm trying to give as much background as I can. I want to try working things out before I give up entirely because there's a lot of good worth saving.
TL;DR: I'm looking for tips or scripts for how to bring this (and other contentious issues) up and have a productive conversation about it. Literally what words do I say to start this conversation? "We need to talk" sounds so ominous. I'd also be happy to hear stories of you or your significant other successfully working through similar anger/temper issues, and what you/they did to get there.
"We need to talk" sounds so ominous.
So what? It IS ominous. Your BF is displaying deal-breaker behavior and it needs to stop.
"Charles, I've called attention to issues with your temper before, and I find your outbursts concerning and unpleasant. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I never know what's going to set you off. I don't like conflict in my life and I need for you to seek counseling to learn better methods for dealing with anger and frustration. I've found some classes and I'd like for you to take them. I also think that some couples therapy might be helpful for us both to work these things out."
There really isn't 'his side of the story' in this. You know this is a red flag, not yellow right? It escalates as you allow it. If he's truly concerned and trusts your evaluation of the situation, he will take you up on those classes immediately and work in counseling to get a handle on it.
If he offers excuses, or attempts to deflect:
This is how I process my anger.
It's not that bad, you're just over-sensitive.
It's not any worse than thing you do all the time.
You're the one with the problem
Then you have your red flag. He KNOWS he does it, and doesn't think it's wrong, and doesn't care that it bothers you.
I'm not suggesting that your boyfriend has a Borderline Personality Disorder, but read Stop Walking on Eggshells to see if any of it resonates with you.
You seem very timid about upsetting him, he's not at all concerned about upsetting you. Do you see how the dynamic is unhealthy? Perhaps you might explore some therapy to help you enforce boundaries in your life. Why is it okay for him to scare you and upset you?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on March 7, 2016 [12 favorites]
So what? It IS ominous. Your BF is displaying deal-breaker behavior and it needs to stop.
"Charles, I've called attention to issues with your temper before, and I find your outbursts concerning and unpleasant. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I never know what's going to set you off. I don't like conflict in my life and I need for you to seek counseling to learn better methods for dealing with anger and frustration. I've found some classes and I'd like for you to take them. I also think that some couples therapy might be helpful for us both to work these things out."
There really isn't 'his side of the story' in this. You know this is a red flag, not yellow right? It escalates as you allow it. If he's truly concerned and trusts your evaluation of the situation, he will take you up on those classes immediately and work in counseling to get a handle on it.
If he offers excuses, or attempts to deflect:
This is how I process my anger.
It's not that bad, you're just over-sensitive.
It's not any worse than thing you do all the time.
You're the one with the problem
Then you have your red flag. He KNOWS he does it, and doesn't think it's wrong, and doesn't care that it bothers you.
I'm not suggesting that your boyfriend has a Borderline Personality Disorder, but read Stop Walking on Eggshells to see if any of it resonates with you.
You seem very timid about upsetting him, he's not at all concerned about upsetting you. Do you see how the dynamic is unhealthy? Perhaps you might explore some therapy to help you enforce boundaries in your life. Why is it okay for him to scare you and upset you?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on March 7, 2016 [12 favorites]
Some people are quick to anger and just as quick to chill after expressing it. It's a common - if immature - way that people learn to cope and many partners of those people are totally fine with it.
But you're not.
The pushback you might get is that that's how he deals with frustration and it's over quickly so you "shouldn't" feel timid. Be prepared to push back against the pushback. Your response to his anger is just as valid and deeply rooted as his outburst. Both are legitimate but they are at odds in this particular matchup.
So you're not saying he is wrong to feel frustrated; he feels what he feels (just as you feel what you feel). What you're saying is that he is expressing it in a way that causes harm to you - the person he loves. *Pay careful attention to his response here - either he is on board with prioritizing not wanting to hurt you, or he is not.*
So maybe you are ok with him stopping halfway up the stairs and gritting his teeth and saying "grrr," but not punching the wall or throwing his keys. Or maybe you want him to take three deep breaths before deciding whether to hit the wall (if he's still hitting walls after three deep breaths, you have a problem). Or maybe ask him to verbalize his anger in the moment: "I can't believe I got blueberry yogurt instead of raspberry!" If he has a sense of humor, have him go wildly over the top with it: "My god it's a tragedy- blueberry yogurt! How could I have been such a fool!" A few instances of that could begin to break the anger-spell. He'd have to be open to changing though.
As Ruthless Bunny stated above, how he responds to your request is the important thing. Either he respects you and learns to manage his anger better, or he doesn't - that's where the flags are.
posted by headnsouth at 6:49 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
But you're not.
The pushback you might get is that that's how he deals with frustration and it's over quickly so you "shouldn't" feel timid. Be prepared to push back against the pushback. Your response to his anger is just as valid and deeply rooted as his outburst. Both are legitimate but they are at odds in this particular matchup.
So you're not saying he is wrong to feel frustrated; he feels what he feels (just as you feel what you feel). What you're saying is that he is expressing it in a way that causes harm to you - the person he loves. *Pay careful attention to his response here - either he is on board with prioritizing not wanting to hurt you, or he is not.*
So maybe you are ok with him stopping halfway up the stairs and gritting his teeth and saying "grrr," but not punching the wall or throwing his keys. Or maybe you want him to take three deep breaths before deciding whether to hit the wall (if he's still hitting walls after three deep breaths, you have a problem). Or maybe ask him to verbalize his anger in the moment: "I can't believe I got blueberry yogurt instead of raspberry!" If he has a sense of humor, have him go wildly over the top with it: "My god it's a tragedy- blueberry yogurt! How could I have been such a fool!" A few instances of that could begin to break the anger-spell. He'd have to be open to changing though.
As Ruthless Bunny stated above, how he responds to your request is the important thing. Either he respects you and learns to manage his anger better, or he doesn't - that's where the flags are.
posted by headnsouth at 6:49 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
The other day I got a really handout from my therapist on using a set of DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills intended to enhance "interpersonal effectiveness" in couples conversations. DBT is really fond of using mnemonic acronyms for its skill sets, and these particular skills are "G-I-V-E" "F-A-S-T" and "D-E-A-R M-A-N", of which the DEAR MAN skills are directly related to negotiating difficult issues through discussion. There's one overview and some resources here, but you can find a lot of other descriptions just by googling for DBT plus "dear man" or "interpersonal effectiveness"
posted by drlith at 7:21 AM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by drlith at 7:21 AM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you want to open with compassion, try "I need your help with something serious."
frequently resulted in him declaring "I can't do anything right" and walking off.
Ask him to get evaluated for AD(H)D. For a grown man in his mid-30s to be unable to manage his emotions to this extent, you almost want to hope it's either ADD or an operable tumor, because any other explanation will require more compliance than you can likely expect from him, and those things don't tend to get better with age.
Presumably, he's able to keep a leash on this behavior at work unless he works somewhere so toxic that it's okay, so that's encouraging, but he really ought to care about your feelings at least as much as he cares about work.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
frequently resulted in him declaring "I can't do anything right" and walking off.
Ask him to get evaluated for AD(H)D. For a grown man in his mid-30s to be unable to manage his emotions to this extent, you almost want to hope it's either ADD or an operable tumor, because any other explanation will require more compliance than you can likely expect from him, and those things don't tend to get better with age.
Presumably, he's able to keep a leash on this behavior at work unless he works somewhere so toxic that it's okay, so that's encouraging, but he really ought to care about your feelings at least as much as he cares about work.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
You: "Hey John, I noticed you were throwing dishes/slamming doors yesterday. What was it that upset you so much?"
Him: "blah blah I forgot to do something, etc..."
You: "Oh wow, that's really frustrating. You know, when you do things like that, it's really upsetting to me. Not only because I'm worried about you, but also because outbursts of anger really scare me. I know you're not going to hurt me but it's still really upsetting to me. I want us to find a way to work on this productively so that we both feel safe and secure in our relationship. Is there something you need from me that would help you to manage your outbursts?
Him: "I can't do anything right"
You: "That's not at all what I'm saying. This isn't about you being bad or wrong, this is us trying to find a way to making this aspect of our different personality styles work better together so we can both be happy. We both have different experiences and worldviews that inform how we might react to frustrations we encounter. Neither way is inherently bad or wrong, they're just different and we have to work together to find a way to manage this together so we can both feel good about this relationship."
*Pay careful attention to his response here - either he is on board with prioritizing not wanting to hurt you, or he is not.*
Agree with this 100%. I was in a LTR where the guy had a similar temper and I told him in no uncertain terms "this really scares me. I know you won't hurt me, but I don't want to feel scared all the time in a relationship where I should feel safe. I deserve to feel safe and secure - and you do to. I really want us to find a way to work on this together in a way that works for both of us." Now in my case, I wasn't sure that he wouldn't hurt me (though I never said that to him), because his outbursts came when he was very drunk and he was totally unpredictable when he was drunk and it was genuinely terrifying to me. This ended up being the final thing that ended the relationship. But I was very, very clear when I talked to him (multiple times). "It scares me when you do this. I cannot be in a relationship where I feel scared. I really want to be with you so I need you to work on this. If you can't I will have no choice but to leave." Good luck. Feel free to memail me if you want to discuss more.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:39 AM on March 7, 2016 [13 favorites]
Him: "blah blah I forgot to do something, etc..."
You: "Oh wow, that's really frustrating. You know, when you do things like that, it's really upsetting to me. Not only because I'm worried about you, but also because outbursts of anger really scare me. I know you're not going to hurt me but it's still really upsetting to me. I want us to find a way to work on this productively so that we both feel safe and secure in our relationship. Is there something you need from me that would help you to manage your outbursts?
Him: "I can't do anything right"
You: "That's not at all what I'm saying. This isn't about you being bad or wrong, this is us trying to find a way to making this aspect of our different personality styles work better together so we can both be happy. We both have different experiences and worldviews that inform how we might react to frustrations we encounter. Neither way is inherently bad or wrong, they're just different and we have to work together to find a way to manage this together so we can both feel good about this relationship."
*Pay careful attention to his response here - either he is on board with prioritizing not wanting to hurt you, or he is not.*
Agree with this 100%. I was in a LTR where the guy had a similar temper and I told him in no uncertain terms "this really scares me. I know you won't hurt me, but I don't want to feel scared all the time in a relationship where I should feel safe. I deserve to feel safe and secure - and you do to. I really want us to find a way to work on this together in a way that works for both of us." Now in my case, I wasn't sure that he wouldn't hurt me (though I never said that to him), because his outbursts came when he was very drunk and he was totally unpredictable when he was drunk and it was genuinely terrifying to me. This ended up being the final thing that ended the relationship. But I was very, very clear when I talked to him (multiple times). "It scares me when you do this. I cannot be in a relationship where I feel scared. I really want to be with you so I need you to work on this. If you can't I will have no choice but to leave." Good luck. Feel free to memail me if you want to discuss more.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:39 AM on March 7, 2016 [13 favorites]
As someone who struggles with anger, something I found helpful to me in dealing with it was knowing that some of my anger was based on being depressed. Addressing the depression helped to decrease the anger.
Maybe an approach from this slightly different angle will help him find a way to address his anger. If he's amenable to some sort of counseling/medication/meditation/exercise, it may help him be happier and less angry.
posted by sciencegeek at 7:50 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Maybe an approach from this slightly different angle will help him find a way to address his anger. If he's amenable to some sort of counseling/medication/meditation/exercise, it may help him be happier and less angry.
posted by sciencegeek at 7:50 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
The neighbor probably puts the music and tv loud to avoid hearing his outbursts. Stomping will just invite louder music and tv to cover his noise.
I don't think you should use this as a point of entry into the conversation. I'm validating that his outbursts are likely beyond acceptable.
Invite him to couples therapy. Talk to him about it in session. The answer to this question is couples counseling, a place where you learn the skills of talking and listening with your partner.
posted by jbenben at 8:46 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should use this as a point of entry into the conversation. I'm validating that his outbursts are likely beyond acceptable.
Invite him to couples therapy. Talk to him about it in session. The answer to this question is couples counseling, a place where you learn the skills of talking and listening with your partner.
posted by jbenben at 8:46 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm not going to comment on the large relationship but just respond to your direct question about how to talk to him about his anger. One thing that is a common dynamic, so common there is a book about it (how to improve your marriage without talking about it) is that men are very sensitive to messages that they aren't good enough and respond badly when that's what they think they are hearing. (in contrast, women are sensitive to feeling abandoned) So when she thinks "This relationship is really important to me. I want to talk about these problems so we can fix them" and she say "I need to talk about this problem" what he hears is "You messed up again and now I'm going to tell you every thing you did wrong." His response is "Great, I'm in trouble again - how can I get out of this" She hears this as "I don't care" and so she pushes harder, making him more defensive, making her more upset. The solution, if you are the woman, is to be very gentle and supportive in starting the conversation so he feels reassured that this is just about the problem and not that you don't love and respect him. So, if you want to talk about this, I suggest you check out the book for the most effective way to have to have the conversation.
posted by metahawk at 12:03 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 12:03 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
My problem with that notion, Metahawk, is that it puts all the burden for the emotional labor on the female partner.
OP, I do agree that things will probably go better if you approach him in a compassionate way--when he loses his shit like that, it's because things are really awful for him in that moment of explosion. And it can be really, really hard to be compassionate when you're upset yourownself. That said, you are confronting your own discomfort to address this situation and in a good healthy relationship he will confront his own discomfort to deal with it too, because you matter as well. The "I can't do anything right"-and-stomping-off gambit is an avoidance technique, a way to shrug off accountability. That's a huge red flag all by itself.
posted by Sublimity at 1:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
OP, I do agree that things will probably go better if you approach him in a compassionate way--when he loses his shit like that, it's because things are really awful for him in that moment of explosion. And it can be really, really hard to be compassionate when you're upset yourownself. That said, you are confronting your own discomfort to address this situation and in a good healthy relationship he will confront his own discomfort to deal with it too, because you matter as well. The "I can't do anything right"-and-stomping-off gambit is an avoidance technique, a way to shrug off accountability. That's a huge red flag all by itself.
posted by Sublimity at 1:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm bad and standing up for myself and compulsively afraid of conflict - take that into account!
I would wait until the next time it happens, and bring it up once things have calmed down (a few hours later or the next day). I wouldn't have the conversation if I was feeling emotional about other things or drinking. I would also psych myself up for the conversation by thinking, "Okay! This is not a BIG CONVERSATION that I've been avoiding, this is something I noticed and I'm a normal person who talks about normal things in a low-stakes way, no big!" Here's what I would say:
Hey, can we talk about something? Sometimes little things go wrong and you seem sooooo angry, like with the groceries last night. I know it's not directed at me, but I think I need more calmness in my home and personal space. Are you upset as you seem to me when those things happen? Can we talk about ways to lower the volume so I can feel more comfortable?
And despite the fact that this is a normal conversation about a normal thing, I'd allow for the possibility that he won't feel great about it and I'd be prepared to power through some discomfort. If things start feeling heated I'd go with something like:
You know what, would it be okay if we both just thought about it for a day or two and we can talk about it again afterwards? I love you and it's not an emergency.
I would also be open to compromise solutions. The behavior you describe would put me 100% on edge every single time, but I might be okay if we had a signal that meant "you go for a 5-minute walk right now," or if we agreed that every outburst needed to end with "I love you and I'm not mad at you." I don't know which buttons this pushes for you, but there might be unconventional solutions that make everyone happy.
The more direct conersations are admirable and probably technically correct, but I don't think I'd be able to execute them. I think we all bring billions of pieces of tiny baggage to the table (his anger, my conflict avoidance!), but I would move the flag from yellow to red if you guys can't figure out how to have a calm, respectful discussion about pretty much anything within a day or two.
posted by zibra at 7:51 PM on March 8, 2016
I would wait until the next time it happens, and bring it up once things have calmed down (a few hours later or the next day). I wouldn't have the conversation if I was feeling emotional about other things or drinking. I would also psych myself up for the conversation by thinking, "Okay! This is not a BIG CONVERSATION that I've been avoiding, this is something I noticed and I'm a normal person who talks about normal things in a low-stakes way, no big!" Here's what I would say:
Hey, can we talk about something? Sometimes little things go wrong and you seem sooooo angry, like with the groceries last night. I know it's not directed at me, but I think I need more calmness in my home and personal space. Are you upset as you seem to me when those things happen? Can we talk about ways to lower the volume so I can feel more comfortable?
And despite the fact that this is a normal conversation about a normal thing, I'd allow for the possibility that he won't feel great about it and I'd be prepared to power through some discomfort. If things start feeling heated I'd go with something like:
You know what, would it be okay if we both just thought about it for a day or two and we can talk about it again afterwards? I love you and it's not an emergency.
I would also be open to compromise solutions. The behavior you describe would put me 100% on edge every single time, but I might be okay if we had a signal that meant "you go for a 5-minute walk right now," or if we agreed that every outburst needed to end with "I love you and I'm not mad at you." I don't know which buttons this pushes for you, but there might be unconventional solutions that make everyone happy.
The more direct conersations are admirable and probably technically correct, but I don't think I'd be able to execute them. I think we all bring billions of pieces of tiny baggage to the table (his anger, my conflict avoidance!), but I would move the flag from yellow to red if you guys can't figure out how to have a calm, respectful discussion about pretty much anything within a day or two.
posted by zibra at 7:51 PM on March 8, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
I realized the other day that I'm walking on eggshells, afraid to bring something up if it might be frustrating to him and cause an outburst, and that's no way to live.
And, personally, I think it's entirely appropriate to just ask him to stop, and then expect him to actually stop. There are some things where it's okay to draw a hard line. As women I think it can be really hard to make direct demands on people without sugar-coating them. But if this is really an issue that you'd leave this guy over (and it would be for me), then he should know that and know what the consequences are of not getting his temper under control.
posted by colfax at 5:47 AM on March 7, 2016 [6 favorites]