Just broke up: How to ride the sorrow?
March 6, 2016 6:29 PM Subscribe
Just broke up with my wonderful boyfriend using Miko's justly famous script. Now what?
My wonderful now ex-boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. After nearly 4 years of dating, what had once been a really good fit was no longer a really good fit. Even so, I'm all sad (naturally), tear-sodden, and guilty. Apologies if this has been covered but what are good post-breakup movies, music, videos, articles, etc. to help me ride the oh-my-god-what-have-I-done feelings? I did what was necessary. But it still feels shitty. Help me weather the next few weeks of sorrow and waking up feeling like a sad, lonely, scared little kid. Also, bonus points for any stories about breaking up with someone who was great, just no longer great for you, and then healing and thriving ultimately. FYI: Thriving ultimately includes being single and happy as well as meeting up with another love. Thanks, hive mind!
My wonderful now ex-boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. After nearly 4 years of dating, what had once been a really good fit was no longer a really good fit. Even so, I'm all sad (naturally), tear-sodden, and guilty. Apologies if this has been covered but what are good post-breakup movies, music, videos, articles, etc. to help me ride the oh-my-god-what-have-I-done feelings? I did what was necessary. But it still feels shitty. Help me weather the next few weeks of sorrow and waking up feeling like a sad, lonely, scared little kid. Also, bonus points for any stories about breaking up with someone who was great, just no longer great for you, and then healing and thriving ultimately. FYI: Thriving ultimately includes being single and happy as well as meeting up with another love. Thanks, hive mind!
Best answer: Take a break from dating. I took two years, then found the most wonderful partner ever. This happened because I enjoyed my solitude so much after my last relationship that it took someone very special to make my life better with another person. At first the loneliness was acute. After it subsided, I just felt free. I re-evaluated my entire life during that time and made some changes. In other words, now is the time to be gloriously selfish.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 7:17 PM on March 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 7:17 PM on March 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
Pass the time, whatever works. There's now 10 seasons of X-Files, which tends to stay away from typical couple tropes. There's a lot of documentaries on Netflix. Buy a $12 coffee table at a thrift store and spend $75 repainting it, which you can do while listening to podcasts that make you smarter. Physical labor is fantastic - empty a closet, help your friend re-landscape their front yard, paint a room, clean the hell out of your car inside and out.
Watch a ton of episodes of Cooking with Dog (the dog is a co-host, not an ingredient). Watch all the Bad Lip Readings. Learn magic tricks (see also Youtube), teach your dog tricks, go bowling with your friends.
Get yourself a special notebook just for glurgey breakup journalling. Eat chocolate. Drink plenty of water and try to get enough sleep and food made of actual nutrients. Know that you will improve day over day and week over week.
Almost everyone has one to a dozen breakups before they get to a relationship that sticks for a long time. I had four extrications (only one of them was especially sad for me, really) in the 18 months before I met my husband.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:39 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
Watch a ton of episodes of Cooking with Dog (the dog is a co-host, not an ingredient). Watch all the Bad Lip Readings. Learn magic tricks (see also Youtube), teach your dog tricks, go bowling with your friends.
Get yourself a special notebook just for glurgey breakup journalling. Eat chocolate. Drink plenty of water and try to get enough sleep and food made of actual nutrients. Know that you will improve day over day and week over week.
Almost everyone has one to a dozen breakups before they get to a relationship that sticks for a long time. I had four extrications (only one of them was especially sad for me, really) in the 18 months before I met my husband.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:39 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
Hi. I did this back in early September. It SUCKED. My wonderful, caring, very handsome and super intelligent boyfriend and I split up because our lives just weren't going in the same direction. The relationship was healthy. We got along great, resolved our differences like adults, and generally had an awesome time being together. But his path and my path diverged. He got a large grant to do ongoing research in Africa. He went. I stayed. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and after some initial tear-filled conversations, we had to go no-contact, because it was just too hard otherwise.
It was an excellent lesson that good and healthy does not always equal forever. And that's ok. Because I still learned a lot about what 'healthy' means, what it's like to be totally accepted as a person, and how good things can be. I know now that I will never settle for less, because I deserve to be treated as well as he treated me.
I'm juuuust starting to really get over him. Yeah, it took a long time, and it wasn't easy. It took me months to be happy with being single, but I got there. It took me more months to be able to find someone else desirable enough to go on a date with. It felt like it would never happen again. It felt like he broke something within me. It just took time -- far more than I expected or wanted, but I did heal. And you will too. It's going to be ok. I promise.
posted by ananci at 7:51 PM on March 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
It was an excellent lesson that good and healthy does not always equal forever. And that's ok. Because I still learned a lot about what 'healthy' means, what it's like to be totally accepted as a person, and how good things can be. I know now that I will never settle for less, because I deserve to be treated as well as he treated me.
I'm juuuust starting to really get over him. Yeah, it took a long time, and it wasn't easy. It took me months to be happy with being single, but I got there. It took me more months to be able to find someone else desirable enough to go on a date with. It felt like it would never happen again. It felt like he broke something within me. It just took time -- far more than I expected or wanted, but I did heal. And you will too. It's going to be ok. I promise.
posted by ananci at 7:51 PM on March 6, 2016 [7 favorites]
Have you ever heard Beck's Sea Change? If you're the sort of person that appreciates a good emotional wallowing, that's a fine place to start. My only other advice is to maintain or emphasize the structured parts of your life; keep a regular gym schedule, make regular plans with friends, etc. Eventually, one day you'll realize that your current raw emotional state is A Thing That Happened, rather than An Ongoing Concern, and that at some point, you became a happy (or at least, mostly okay) single person.
posted by strangecargo at 10:55 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by strangecargo at 10:55 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: One hundred days ago, I broke up with my fiance. I've been keeping a daily log type thing in a google doc where I write down how I feel and also good things about me and my goals. The first days were rough - it's hard to read them. But it helped me to recognize and confront the pain and loneliness by naming it and seeing it for what it was. I still get lonely and terribly sad, but it's a nice reminder that I've come so far, and it's a good way to check in with myself.
And then, two writings that have helped me, so maybe will help you:
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
and then In Defense of Loneliness by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I've also found it helpful to try all new things - things that don't remind you of your ex. And reach out and ask for help, including therapy if you think it will help. It helped me tremendously.
Good luck - rough days ahead. You'll get through this. I'm still not done getting over the pain and guilt, but it's much much better, and I like my new life so much more. You'll do great things with your new life! Welcome to it!
posted by umwhat at 5:39 AM on March 7, 2016 [7 favorites]
And then, two writings that have helped me, so maybe will help you:
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
and then In Defense of Loneliness by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I've also found it helpful to try all new things - things that don't remind you of your ex. And reach out and ask for help, including therapy if you think it will help. It helped me tremendously.
Good luck - rough days ahead. You'll get through this. I'm still not done getting over the pain and guilt, but it's much much better, and I like my new life so much more. You'll do great things with your new life! Welcome to it!
posted by umwhat at 5:39 AM on March 7, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: My ex-wife and I separated and divorced three years ago. We were, and both remain, really good people. In the time since I have built an entirely new circle of friends. Dozens of people I likely wouldn't have made the time to get to know so well. I have joined the local UU Society, and sing in a choir for the first time since I was a child. I go to weekly dance classes and have become part of a wonderful local dance community.
Now, my ex-wife and I remain good friends. After the first year of needing our own personal distance, we have let it be okay to still help each other with rough times and cheer each other in the good ones. We share our overlapping social groups and our families have stayed in touch. For me, that has been a way in which we both continue to thrive.
I am still someone who cherishes shared experiences and deep and meaningful relationship. Three years later I am looking for that next life partner. But it isn't about filing in the aching loneliness anymore. So, life isn't all perfect, but who ever claimed life would be? In the meantime, there is still more joy and wonder and things to do than I could pack into a dozen lifetimes. So, when I get down I just look for what to plan next that excites me.
In the realm of things to read, Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver very much resonated for me. Particularly the very first line. "You do not have to be good." You have handled a tough life transition with grace and care, so when you find the questions bubble up inside, be forgiving of your doubt.
posted by meinvt at 9:11 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
Now, my ex-wife and I remain good friends. After the first year of needing our own personal distance, we have let it be okay to still help each other with rough times and cheer each other in the good ones. We share our overlapping social groups and our families have stayed in touch. For me, that has been a way in which we both continue to thrive.
I am still someone who cherishes shared experiences and deep and meaningful relationship. Three years later I am looking for that next life partner. But it isn't about filing in the aching loneliness anymore. So, life isn't all perfect, but who ever claimed life would be? In the meantime, there is still more joy and wonder and things to do than I could pack into a dozen lifetimes. So, when I get down I just look for what to plan next that excites me.
In the realm of things to read, Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver very much resonated for me. Particularly the very first line. "You do not have to be good." You have handled a tough life transition with grace and care, so when you find the questions bubble up inside, be forgiving of your doubt.
posted by meinvt at 9:11 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been through a few breakups, some mutual some not. For me, personally, getting out there and dating/meeting people was the biggest thing to help me move forward, every time.
When I'm in love, I don't tend to notice other men very much; when I break up, this mindset takes a long while to shift in me. It feels like I'm 'cheating'.
Moreover, when I break up, I tend to get pessimistic at the thought of meeting anyone suitable. I tend to internalize a lot of society's bullshit. For example, people hating on the plus size Sports Illustrated model make me think, 'oh every guy I meet is probably like that,' or reading about a crappy relationship makes me think, 'its too hard to find someone nice,' etc. It makes me pine for my exes more and feel like it's so hard to find someone-- It's a crappy feeling-- but I guess the worst part about it is that it lies.
Forcing myself to get out there, helps to dispel these internal myths, and it forces me to flick that mental switch between 'I'm taken' and 'I'm single'. It also helps give me hope again for the future, and it sometimes helps to reframe my failed relationship, and see the truth in why it was failing.
For example, I was in a pretty unbalanced relationship with a guy I kind of put on a pedestal. The more I was deferential, the more he subconsciously elevated himself. I thought the world of him, but I seldom felt like he thought I was special or worth it or lucky, rather, I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder. I wasn't wrong.
Despite this, I was pretty devastated when it ended. The very next night after being dumped, happenstance threw me in the arms of this guy I'd met a couple of times. It felt like from a movie; we sat on the pier by his work and talked about everything and anything. It was awesome. But what got me, that night, was the way he treated me. Like the things I were saying were so interesting, like I was special and wonderful and very attractive. This guy was just as conventionally attractive as the guy I'd loved, yet treated me like he was lucky to be around me. It was a feeling I'd lost in that relationship.
I'm not saying it's the same for you, I'm guessing you had a much better relationship than mine and broke up for very different reasons, given your breakup seems more amicable, and that you are the one who initiated the breakup. And I'm not saying 'oh hey get out there tomorrow! it's awesome!! Rebound FTW' Don't do that. It's too early at this point in time. My results are not typical, and I was in a lot of pain at the time and just really needed that. It's more that getting out there (in general, not just that time) did a lot of things for me personally:
- Spending time with guys who suited me more, were more into me, and treated me better helped me realize the ways in which my relationship was lacking, and the ways in which my needs were going unmet. This ultimately helped me reaffirm the belief that breaking up was for the best for us, and the relationship wasn't right for me.
- Making an effort to flirt and meet people forced me to flip my 'I'm taken' switch to 'I can date now,' much quicker than pining at home and being sad would have.
- Even though it ultimately didn't work with the new guy (I was due to fly out in two weeks so it had a very 'summer fling' finite feel to it) it made me realize that there was hope for me, that there were great guys out there I had things in common with who were cute to boot, and the fish pond was bigger than I thought. It made me very hopeful for the future.
- It taught me how easily it is to lose perspective when one is in what seems like a 'decent' relationship, and how easy it is to plod along in one to the point where it actively becomes damaging.
- It helped me to better understand what I wanted and needed in someone, and what my deal-breakers were. Also that I didn't do well with avoidant attachment style people.
I would have come to these conclusions in time anyway, but I will say just getting out there meeting lots of people, not just to date, sped up my recovery process a lot.
Bonus: Flirting was fun and felt really good. Oh, and the most important one: Meeting people lead me to a much better relationship in the end.
Again, I think it's much too early for you to do this at this point in time, and everyone is different, but I found that for me personally, I thrived the when I made myself get out there, even when I didn't necessarily feel ready. Again, it's not even with the intent to date, sometimes-- just hanging with friends and expanding your network and meeting new people, just basically distracting yourself. In my other major relationship, it took me about six months to start getting out and the turning point for my recovery only came when I did.
I hope that helps somewhat. Best of luck to you. It'll get easier.
posted by Dimes at 11:24 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
When I'm in love, I don't tend to notice other men very much; when I break up, this mindset takes a long while to shift in me. It feels like I'm 'cheating'.
Moreover, when I break up, I tend to get pessimistic at the thought of meeting anyone suitable. I tend to internalize a lot of society's bullshit. For example, people hating on the plus size Sports Illustrated model make me think, 'oh every guy I meet is probably like that,' or reading about a crappy relationship makes me think, 'its too hard to find someone nice,' etc. It makes me pine for my exes more and feel like it's so hard to find someone-- It's a crappy feeling-- but I guess the worst part about it is that it lies.
Forcing myself to get out there, helps to dispel these internal myths, and it forces me to flick that mental switch between 'I'm taken' and 'I'm single'. It also helps give me hope again for the future, and it sometimes helps to reframe my failed relationship, and see the truth in why it was failing.
For example, I was in a pretty unbalanced relationship with a guy I kind of put on a pedestal. The more I was deferential, the more he subconsciously elevated himself. I thought the world of him, but I seldom felt like he thought I was special or worth it or lucky, rather, I felt like he was always looking over my shoulder. I wasn't wrong.
Despite this, I was pretty devastated when it ended. The very next night after being dumped, happenstance threw me in the arms of this guy I'd met a couple of times. It felt like from a movie; we sat on the pier by his work and talked about everything and anything. It was awesome. But what got me, that night, was the way he treated me. Like the things I were saying were so interesting, like I was special and wonderful and very attractive. This guy was just as conventionally attractive as the guy I'd loved, yet treated me like he was lucky to be around me. It was a feeling I'd lost in that relationship.
I'm not saying it's the same for you, I'm guessing you had a much better relationship than mine and broke up for very different reasons, given your breakup seems more amicable, and that you are the one who initiated the breakup. And I'm not saying 'oh hey get out there tomorrow! it's awesome!! Rebound FTW' Don't do that. It's too early at this point in time. My results are not typical, and I was in a lot of pain at the time and just really needed that. It's more that getting out there (in general, not just that time) did a lot of things for me personally:
- Spending time with guys who suited me more, were more into me, and treated me better helped me realize the ways in which my relationship was lacking, and the ways in which my needs were going unmet. This ultimately helped me reaffirm the belief that breaking up was for the best for us, and the relationship wasn't right for me.
- Making an effort to flirt and meet people forced me to flip my 'I'm taken' switch to 'I can date now,' much quicker than pining at home and being sad would have.
- Even though it ultimately didn't work with the new guy (I was due to fly out in two weeks so it had a very 'summer fling' finite feel to it) it made me realize that there was hope for me, that there were great guys out there I had things in common with who were cute to boot, and the fish pond was bigger than I thought. It made me very hopeful for the future.
- It taught me how easily it is to lose perspective when one is in what seems like a 'decent' relationship, and how easy it is to plod along in one to the point where it actively becomes damaging.
- It helped me to better understand what I wanted and needed in someone, and what my deal-breakers were. Also that I didn't do well with avoidant attachment style people.
I would have come to these conclusions in time anyway, but I will say just getting out there meeting lots of people, not just to date, sped up my recovery process a lot.
Bonus: Flirting was fun and felt really good. Oh, and the most important one: Meeting people lead me to a much better relationship in the end.
Again, I think it's much too early for you to do this at this point in time, and everyone is different, but I found that for me personally, I thrived the when I made myself get out there, even when I didn't necessarily feel ready. Again, it's not even with the intent to date, sometimes-- just hanging with friends and expanding your network and meeting new people, just basically distracting yourself. In my other major relationship, it took me about six months to start getting out and the turning point for my recovery only came when I did.
I hope that helps somewhat. Best of luck to you. It'll get easier.
posted by Dimes at 11:24 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Think about the things that you didn't do because he just wasn't into them - and go do them! For me, that has meant everything from cooking bacon for breakfast because I can finally have meat in my kitchen again (I'm not actually a huge bacon fan, and I didn't miss it while we were dating, but still felt so good to have a proper british fry-up after he moved out), to booking a trek to Everest Base Camp (different ex who didn't like traveling or hiking - I love both).
While I'm sure your ex, like mine, didn't stop you doing any of the things you loved, I'm equally sure that there are things that may have got put on the back burner, just because they weren't a priority. (No judgment - every relationship involves compromise and focusing on common interests). But now you're single again, take those things off the back burner and make them happen!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:52 AM on March 8, 2016
While I'm sure your ex, like mine, didn't stop you doing any of the things you loved, I'm equally sure that there are things that may have got put on the back burner, just because they weren't a priority. (No judgment - every relationship involves compromise and focusing on common interests). But now you're single again, take those things off the back burner and make them happen!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:52 AM on March 8, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 6:36 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]