Am I really here again?
March 5, 2016 5:01 PM Subscribe
What to do about frustrations about my boyfriend being unemployed and not trying hard enough to sort his life out?
I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year. Living together 6 months. I run a business which takes up a lot of my time. When we met he was doing a job that he hated and had wanted to quit for a year already because he found it totally soulcrushing. I encouraged him to quit and then figure out what to do next because he was getting too demoralised from work to look for new work and had a lot of money saved up from an overseas deployment from when he was in the army a few years ago so it wasn't going to affect me financially.
Unfortunately we are 5 months on and he still hasn't got work. Apparently his dream was the fire brigade and he was just waiting for them to do an intake but I recently found out that the annual applications opened and closed last month and he "didn't realise". At that point I lost my shit and told him he has to get his shit together. He is also part way through the process of joining the police but who knows whether they will select him in the end. Either way it will take another 6 months to get through that process and he's put no steps in place to volunteer somewhere etc despite having suggested it to him.
At my encouraging he has begun a part time certificate in fitness and is doing work experience so that's good. But I'm so annoyed that he's not taking proper initiative to get work. Technically he has the money so it's not my problem but it just grinds with me because I value initiative and working hard and so forth... and cos I'm out here busting my ass with my business while he just does very little.
I am extra angry because my last boyfriend completely lacked any work ethic and was unemployed and didn't care to do anything proactice about it,and another boyfriend I had 12 years ago was like that too and I feel worried that I might just be dating another slacker. I also know I have crappy (but improving) boundaries. Because of all this I feel I a bit burned out on being all understanding.
My boyfriend is otherwise wonderful - very kind and caring and supportive and level headed and out relationship is the healthiest I've had (though that's not saying much I guess). I definitely love him but I want a partner who has a bit of "go" in them and am tired of having awkward conversations about what my boyfriend does when I talk to people.
What now?
(PS I live somewhere where finding employment is pretty easy, I think our unemployment rate is something like 6%)
I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year. Living together 6 months. I run a business which takes up a lot of my time. When we met he was doing a job that he hated and had wanted to quit for a year already because he found it totally soulcrushing. I encouraged him to quit and then figure out what to do next because he was getting too demoralised from work to look for new work and had a lot of money saved up from an overseas deployment from when he was in the army a few years ago so it wasn't going to affect me financially.
Unfortunately we are 5 months on and he still hasn't got work. Apparently his dream was the fire brigade and he was just waiting for them to do an intake but I recently found out that the annual applications opened and closed last month and he "didn't realise". At that point I lost my shit and told him he has to get his shit together. He is also part way through the process of joining the police but who knows whether they will select him in the end. Either way it will take another 6 months to get through that process and he's put no steps in place to volunteer somewhere etc despite having suggested it to him.
At my encouraging he has begun a part time certificate in fitness and is doing work experience so that's good. But I'm so annoyed that he's not taking proper initiative to get work. Technically he has the money so it's not my problem but it just grinds with me because I value initiative and working hard and so forth... and cos I'm out here busting my ass with my business while he just does very little.
I am extra angry because my last boyfriend completely lacked any work ethic and was unemployed and didn't care to do anything proactice about it,and another boyfriend I had 12 years ago was like that too and I feel worried that I might just be dating another slacker. I also know I have crappy (but improving) boundaries. Because of all this I feel I a bit burned out on being all understanding.
My boyfriend is otherwise wonderful - very kind and caring and supportive and level headed and out relationship is the healthiest I've had (though that's not saying much I guess). I definitely love him but I want a partner who has a bit of "go" in them and am tired of having awkward conversations about what my boyfriend does when I talk to people.
What now?
(PS I live somewhere where finding employment is pretty easy, I think our unemployment rate is something like 6%)
I would understand this better if it were a financial strain on you, but it sounds like it's not. If he doesn't need to take a job immediately (and frankly it isn't always an immediate possibility), then it sounds like the issue is that you feel like he should be working as hard as you are, because you work hard and it frustrates you to see others not work hard. This is not his problem. This is your problem.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [39 favorites]
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [39 favorites]
I want a partner who has a bit of "go" in them
It doesn't sound like this guy has that. You pressuring him to figure out his job situation or do a certificate in fitness may get the external result you want-him in a job you approve of-but it won't change his internal drive. That may be something that happens organically, but if you stay with him I think you need to accept that he may never be very career driven. Otherwise you should break-up, but I wouldn't try and change him. FWIW, I think this kind of mismatch in ambitions is a totally reasonable thing to break up over, so I wouldn't feel bad about that.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 5:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [35 favorites]
It doesn't sound like this guy has that. You pressuring him to figure out his job situation or do a certificate in fitness may get the external result you want-him in a job you approve of-but it won't change his internal drive. That may be something that happens organically, but if you stay with him I think you need to accept that he may never be very career driven. Otherwise you should break-up, but I wouldn't try and change him. FWIW, I think this kind of mismatch in ambitions is a totally reasonable thing to break up over, so I wouldn't feel bad about that.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 5:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [35 favorites]
I want a partner who has a bit of "go" in them
Welll...this sounds like something important to know about yourself. I see two possibilities: your boyfriend is maybe depressed and distracted from a long time in a "soulcrushing" job and feeling the loss of structure and identity; that really can take some time to recover from and re-orient yourelf. And/or he might also have issues with executive function, which depression can make worse. So, first thing to do is ask him to get a medical evaluation and see whether anti-depressants, therapy, an exercise program, anxiety meds, ADHD meds or similar are called for.
Second possibility is he doesn't have his shit together, and he might never. You clearly do. The frustration will continue - you can't remake him, even if he wants to be remade. That way lies madness. Life's motivations are mostly internal. In your shoes, try the medical route first; if that isn't going anywhere, it is definitely time to re-evaluate your relationship and maybe think about moving on. Since you say this is a repeat pattern for you, maybe look into some therapy yourself or at least pay close attention to looking for partners with the more ambitious qualities you seek.
It's incredibly frustrating. Glad it's not impacting you financially - and don't let it. Good luck!
posted by Miko at 5:13 PM on March 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
Welll...this sounds like something important to know about yourself. I see two possibilities: your boyfriend is maybe depressed and distracted from a long time in a "soulcrushing" job and feeling the loss of structure and identity; that really can take some time to recover from and re-orient yourelf. And/or he might also have issues with executive function, which depression can make worse. So, first thing to do is ask him to get a medical evaluation and see whether anti-depressants, therapy, an exercise program, anxiety meds, ADHD meds or similar are called for.
Second possibility is he doesn't have his shit together, and he might never. You clearly do. The frustration will continue - you can't remake him, even if he wants to be remade. That way lies madness. Life's motivations are mostly internal. In your shoes, try the medical route first; if that isn't going anywhere, it is definitely time to re-evaluate your relationship and maybe think about moving on. Since you say this is a repeat pattern for you, maybe look into some therapy yourself or at least pay close attention to looking for partners with the more ambitious qualities you seek.
It's incredibly frustrating. Glad it's not impacting you financially - and don't let it. Good luck!
posted by Miko at 5:13 PM on March 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
You want a partner with a bit of go in him. This is not that person.
You should not be angry with him -- this is not something he's doing wrong, and it's not something he's doing to you, it is simply an aspect of his personality. Lots of people would prefer not to work if they had the financial ability to not do so. It's not the most forward thinking perspective from anyone without a trust fund, but it isn't outside the norm.
You should not try to fix him -- getting him a job, is his responsibility and he has to want to do it. You should't be making contacts for him, tracking his deadlines, etc.
You should probably break up with him, because he's not a person you want to be with in an area that sounds like a deal breaker for you. Alternately, you could explore the possibility that having a supportive, but not financially supportive, partner in life has been part of the path to success for many, many successful people, and perhaps he could be filling a role in your life that you could value rather than deride.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [17 favorites]
You should not be angry with him -- this is not something he's doing wrong, and it's not something he's doing to you, it is simply an aspect of his personality. Lots of people would prefer not to work if they had the financial ability to not do so. It's not the most forward thinking perspective from anyone without a trust fund, but it isn't outside the norm.
You should not try to fix him -- getting him a job, is his responsibility and he has to want to do it. You should't be making contacts for him, tracking his deadlines, etc.
You should probably break up with him, because he's not a person you want to be with in an area that sounds like a deal breaker for you. Alternately, you could explore the possibility that having a supportive, but not financially supportive, partner in life has been part of the path to success for many, many successful people, and perhaps he could be filling a role in your life that you could value rather than deride.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [17 favorites]
I disagree with kittens for breakfast--
There are many things that are important in a mate: kindness, intelligence, etc. I could not respect a partner with out any ambition. It doesn't have to be about money or position or anything like that. Have A direction and move towards it. Basket weaving, knitting for penquins, SOMEthing. The thing that was so important and he didn't realize? That would be pretty annoying to me.
It also depends on what he was doing that was making him so distracted that he missed it... Is he taking care of an elderly parents? Caught up tiling the bathroom? Cooking dinner and making sure the house ship shape? Has this photography project? Well, ok then.
Is he hanging out with friends, staying up too late-getting up to late, playing video games? Hmmmm... not so good.
Five months? That's a long time. This might be just who he is.
Take a look at him right now and decide if he's doing the exact same thing in 2 years if that is ok with you.
posted by ReluctantViking at 5:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
There are many things that are important in a mate: kindness, intelligence, etc. I could not respect a partner with out any ambition. It doesn't have to be about money or position or anything like that. Have A direction and move towards it. Basket weaving, knitting for penquins, SOMEthing. The thing that was so important and he didn't realize? That would be pretty annoying to me.
It also depends on what he was doing that was making him so distracted that he missed it... Is he taking care of an elderly parents? Caught up tiling the bathroom? Cooking dinner and making sure the house ship shape? Has this photography project? Well, ok then.
Is he hanging out with friends, staying up too late-getting up to late, playing video games? Hmmmm... not so good.
Five months? That's a long time. This might be just who he is.
Take a look at him right now and decide if he's doing the exact same thing in 2 years if that is ok with you.
posted by ReluctantViking at 5:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
I think you're feeling burnt-out because you are over-involved in what he is doing/not doing. From what you wrote, he's not depending on you financially, and you didn't write much about how he actually feels about what he's doing - just how you feel about what he's doing. I'm not sure what he's doing wrong.
If you want someone who's driven and who works as hard as you, you have to go find one who's already like that. If you really like the one you've got, you have accept him just the way he is.
I know it's really easy to fall into that "my boyfriend needs to get his shit together and it's my job to make him do it" trap but ... it's completely, totally and absolutely NOT your job. Your job is to worry about your shit, his shit is his job. You'll feel tons better when you stop trying to get him to get his shit together.
He will, too, I bet.
posted by Locochona at 5:25 PM on March 5, 2016 [27 favorites]
If you want someone who's driven and who works as hard as you, you have to go find one who's already like that. If you really like the one you've got, you have accept him just the way he is.
I know it's really easy to fall into that "my boyfriend needs to get his shit together and it's my job to make him do it" trap but ... it's completely, totally and absolutely NOT your job. Your job is to worry about your shit, his shit is his job. You'll feel tons better when you stop trying to get him to get his shit together.
He will, too, I bet.
posted by Locochona at 5:25 PM on March 5, 2016 [27 favorites]
It's entirely possible that your attitude/beliefs (or rather, the behavior he sees from you) is contributing to his lack of "go" at the moment. It is absolutely horrible living with someone who doesn't respect you and believe in you.
Anyway, I can't say for sure that you have to break up. I will say that you can only change yourself, not him, and that it's really obvious that your current tactics are ineffective. Therapy might or might not help; sometimes people just make each other worse.
Pro tip: if you have kids or a sibling that you feel this way about (now or in the future,) it is imperative that you actively fix your own behaviors. I've seen kids waste a decade just because mom/dad/grandpa made it clear that they were a failure. The only reason I'm not saying you absolutely have to fix this attitude is because he's just your boyfriend.
posted by SMPA at 5:34 PM on March 5, 2016 [12 favorites]
Anyway, I can't say for sure that you have to break up. I will say that you can only change yourself, not him, and that it's really obvious that your current tactics are ineffective. Therapy might or might not help; sometimes people just make each other worse.
Pro tip: if you have kids or a sibling that you feel this way about (now or in the future,) it is imperative that you actively fix your own behaviors. I've seen kids waste a decade just because mom/dad/grandpa made it clear that they were a failure. The only reason I'm not saying you absolutely have to fix this attitude is because he's just your boyfriend.
posted by SMPA at 5:34 PM on March 5, 2016 [12 favorites]
I give you permission to dump with person. A lot of people have high work ethic ingrained in them, and a lot of people don't. This will come up again and again and there's technically no 'problem' now. What if there is down the road. I would dump someone who didn't realize their dream job opened and closed, and also someone who did nothing for more than a month. This does go a bit beyond taking a rest and well into not functioning fully as an adult. It's not your job to determine if he's got depression or low self esteem after such a short period of time. He's been this way since you met (meaning can't keep a decent job). Chances are good this will be a life long problem. You're normal, and very different than this dude. Dump him.
posted by Kalmya at 6:15 PM on March 5, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 6:15 PM on March 5, 2016 [6 favorites]
Some people are ambitious, some aren't. Your guy isn't. If he were really into joining the fire brigade, he wouldn't have fucked it up. If he were really into getting a certificate he'd be doing that. Fact is, he may only get motivated once he runs out of money. THEN it gets ugly.
If he never worked again, and you supported the both of you, would you be okay with that? Because if you're not, you might want to think about breaking up. If you're going to do it, do it now, before he becomes your financial problem.
There are plenty of kind, nice, ambitious men out there for you to have a relationship with. Kindly tell this guy that while he has some lovely qualities, he's not what you're looking for in a partner.
You don't have to settle. Being with someone who is okay with long periods of unemployment is settling.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:24 PM on March 5, 2016 [18 favorites]
If he never worked again, and you supported the both of you, would you be okay with that? Because if you're not, you might want to think about breaking up. If you're going to do it, do it now, before he becomes your financial problem.
There are plenty of kind, nice, ambitious men out there for you to have a relationship with. Kindly tell this guy that while he has some lovely qualities, he's not what you're looking for in a partner.
You don't have to settle. Being with someone who is okay with long periods of unemployment is settling.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:24 PM on March 5, 2016 [18 favorites]
I encouraged him to quit and then figure out what to do next
overseas deployment from when he was in the army a few years ago
he has begun a part time certificate in fitness and is doing work experience
He is also part way through the process of joining the police
so
you're mad because he did figure out what he wanted to do, like you both agreed? He is going after a career that he particularly cares about, one that requires a long application and training process and is difficult and not guaranteed to take him. I guess you could be mad because he's too ambitious?
I mean, I wouldn't date a cop with another woman's ten-foot-pole, but that isn't your objection. the idea that he shouldn't go after this even though he has the money and time to make the long process feasible is just weird, but the idea that an ex-soldier who wants to be a cop lacks "go" is weirder. Especially one who stuck it out in a job he passionately hated for at least a year before quitting, even though it wasn't need for money keeping him there. You can take it from this slacker that he is not one of us, whatever his real faults.
As to what now: if he never finishes the police application process or "forgets" the deadline, break up with him. If he does follow through but they don't take him, tell him that he better have something figured out by the time his savings run out because you will not be supporting him. & figure out now how to kick him out of your shared home when he stops paying rent, because that may be difficult in some places.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on March 5, 2016 [14 favorites]
overseas deployment from when he was in the army a few years ago
he has begun a part time certificate in fitness and is doing work experience
He is also part way through the process of joining the police
so
you're mad because he did figure out what he wanted to do, like you both agreed? He is going after a career that he particularly cares about, one that requires a long application and training process and is difficult and not guaranteed to take him. I guess you could be mad because he's too ambitious?
I mean, I wouldn't date a cop with another woman's ten-foot-pole, but that isn't your objection. the idea that he shouldn't go after this even though he has the money and time to make the long process feasible is just weird, but the idea that an ex-soldier who wants to be a cop lacks "go" is weirder. Especially one who stuck it out in a job he passionately hated for at least a year before quitting, even though it wasn't need for money keeping him there. You can take it from this slacker that he is not one of us, whatever his real faults.
As to what now: if he never finishes the police application process or "forgets" the deadline, break up with him. If he does follow through but they don't take him, tell him that he better have something figured out by the time his savings run out because you will not be supporting him. & figure out now how to kick him out of your shared home when he stops paying rent, because that may be difficult in some places.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:54 PM on March 5, 2016 [14 favorites]
I agree with many thoughts of the other people replying to this question, but I'm just adding one or two additional tiny ideas about this.
I agree in many ways with queenofbithynia, and also think that there are ways a person can find a new job/career/etc. that might be beyond what you have in your mind, OP. So for example, a person might plan to have 3 possible alternative careers, but when they look at the description and application of career 1, THEN they may realize with a sinking feeling that it is not what they want to do - and that is part of a "hunting for a new job/career" - or it might talking to people, making a network, many things that might not be consistent with how you imagine the "applying to a job" process.
I also think that if he knows that you are judging him and telling him what he is doing wrong, it adds shame to this whole process. Unemployment/looking for a new job/getting what you want for a job can be hard and shameful to many people, and telling a person off (or that you are not doing it "my" way) can exacerbate that.
There also might be the complication that you both just have very different values. That's okay, there is no reason that your way is right for him or vice versa, but it sounds like seeing him not do it that way can lead to conflict.
If I were in your shoes (and know that this bothers you), I think that he should live in his own place. Then ask yourself (when he is not living in your place day to day): Is this what you want in a relationship. If what you truly want is the go getter in whatever way you define it, start by dating those people, and end this. But I think by living with him right now, it confuses the issue and ....it is probably irritating both of you, and there is no need for that.
posted by Wolfster at 7:07 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
I agree in many ways with queenofbithynia, and also think that there are ways a person can find a new job/career/etc. that might be beyond what you have in your mind, OP. So for example, a person might plan to have 3 possible alternative careers, but when they look at the description and application of career 1, THEN they may realize with a sinking feeling that it is not what they want to do - and that is part of a "hunting for a new job/career" - or it might talking to people, making a network, many things that might not be consistent with how you imagine the "applying to a job" process.
I also think that if he knows that you are judging him and telling him what he is doing wrong, it adds shame to this whole process. Unemployment/looking for a new job/getting what you want for a job can be hard and shameful to many people, and telling a person off (or that you are not doing it "my" way) can exacerbate that.
There also might be the complication that you both just have very different values. That's okay, there is no reason that your way is right for him or vice versa, but it sounds like seeing him not do it that way can lead to conflict.
If I were in your shoes (and know that this bothers you), I think that he should live in his own place. Then ask yourself (when he is not living in your place day to day): Is this what you want in a relationship. If what you truly want is the go getter in whatever way you define it, start by dating those people, and end this. But I think by living with him right now, it confuses the issue and ....it is probably irritating both of you, and there is no need for that.
posted by Wolfster at 7:07 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
I agree that the pair of you should be living apart for a while, and then you sort out what you want to do. Imo it's unfair of you to be pissed off that he's unemployed and without a plan, because you encouraged him to quit his job without having a solid plan in place. It's unbelievably unfair to go on to him about how he needs to be the one to change because you don't like who he is fundamentally. If he's not the one for you he's not the one. Don't punish him because you made the wrong choice in partners.
posted by vignettist at 7:28 PM on March 5, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by vignettist at 7:28 PM on March 5, 2016 [15 favorites]
You do not get to make him be someone other than who he is. That's not how love works.
And if this isn't okay for you, then it is not okay for you.
Break up.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 PM on March 5, 2016 [9 favorites]
And if this isn't okay for you, then it is not okay for you.
Break up.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 PM on March 5, 2016 [9 favorites]
Either consider his PTSD or live apart. This isn't working for either of you. You're right, sooner or later his savings will run out.
I'm sorry for both of you. He's not having an easy time, but that does not make this OK.
posted by jbenben at 7:55 PM on March 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for both of you. He's not having an easy time, but that does not make this OK.
posted by jbenben at 7:55 PM on March 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
op, I am with you 100%. i do understand what other commenters are saying, and agree, that this is not your problem, but his. However, holding down a steady job is not optional for the overwhelming majority of people. it's not just a matter of taste. in or outside the home. it's not a matter of wanting "ambition" in a mate--it's wanting a basic adult function.
Have you had a sit-down where you say, "I love you and i see a future for us (if that's true), but this is a problem for me"? start by saying that, if you haven't already. it's possible that he thinks this is merely tiresome for you and not a fundamental threat to the many good things y'all have together. make sure he knows that, lovingly, of course.
posted by 8603 at 8:21 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Have you had a sit-down where you say, "I love you and i see a future for us (if that's true), but this is a problem for me"? start by saying that, if you haven't already. it's possible that he thinks this is merely tiresome for you and not a fundamental threat to the many good things y'all have together. make sure he knows that, lovingly, of course.
posted by 8603 at 8:21 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
WHAT?? People have diagnosed him with PTSD and blamed OP for his not getting a job? Telling her she'll be a bad parent unless she changes her ways?
Come on. OP has had 3 difficult relationships and maybe she needs some care and understanding. She's already stated she's been understanding.
Chrysalis-his employment status isn't your responsibility. This isn't your fault.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
Come on. OP has had 3 difficult relationships and maybe she needs some care and understanding. She's already stated she's been understanding.
Chrysalis-his employment status isn't your responsibility. This isn't your fault.
posted by ReluctantViking at 8:22 PM on March 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
is there any possibility of him getting SSI (or your local disability benefit) while he recovers his mental health? it's a job itself to apply!
posted by 8603 at 8:24 PM on March 5, 2016
posted by 8603 at 8:24 PM on March 5, 2016
Sorry if I haven't understood this question properly but what's going on with the rent if you're living together and your partner is unemployed? I don't think you should be living together, sorry.
I honestly feel like you'll be much happier if you can bring yourself to not think of his employment status as your concern.
When I read your question I felt flashbacks to relationships of my own where I have been in your position and where I have been in your partner's position. Neither place is a nice place to be. The thing is, the gentlest, most malleable person in the world is probably going to resist when someone is standing over them going "Have you sent in your application yet? What about that job? Weren't you going to try out for that other thing? What do you mean you missed the deadline??" (I'm speaking from my own experience here, not saying that you're doing that.) The sad truth is that even when you know you have to do a thing and intend to do it, too much pushing from a well-meaning bystander can make you decide not to do it. At the same time the person doing the pushing can feel like they're fighting some Sisyphean battle. It's horrible for both parties.
See if you can try to give up this impulse to control this particular aspect of your partner. Try to appreciate the other stuff, the stuff you love him for. Meditation may help.
Letting go and cutting him some slack will make YOU happier and may also be instrumental in getting him to work harder at getting a job - because he won't feel pushed into it anymore.
I also think it may be worth looking closely at yourself, your personality, and your history, to figure out what it is that is making you choose to date people who don't have steady jobs or solid work ethics when it sounds like you do.
And you know... you don't have to be with this guy if you feel that you are fundamentally incompatible.
Also forgive my heteronormative reading of this (I'm assuming you're a woman) but it may be worth reading this condensed version of the epic Metafilter thread on emotional labour.
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:38 PM on March 5, 2016 [6 favorites]
I honestly feel like you'll be much happier if you can bring yourself to not think of his employment status as your concern.
When I read your question I felt flashbacks to relationships of my own where I have been in your position and where I have been in your partner's position. Neither place is a nice place to be. The thing is, the gentlest, most malleable person in the world is probably going to resist when someone is standing over them going "Have you sent in your application yet? What about that job? Weren't you going to try out for that other thing? What do you mean you missed the deadline??" (I'm speaking from my own experience here, not saying that you're doing that.) The sad truth is that even when you know you have to do a thing and intend to do it, too much pushing from a well-meaning bystander can make you decide not to do it. At the same time the person doing the pushing can feel like they're fighting some Sisyphean battle. It's horrible for both parties.
See if you can try to give up this impulse to control this particular aspect of your partner. Try to appreciate the other stuff, the stuff you love him for. Meditation may help.
Letting go and cutting him some slack will make YOU happier and may also be instrumental in getting him to work harder at getting a job - because he won't feel pushed into it anymore.
I also think it may be worth looking closely at yourself, your personality, and your history, to figure out what it is that is making you choose to date people who don't have steady jobs or solid work ethics when it sounds like you do.
And you know... you don't have to be with this guy if you feel that you are fundamentally incompatible.
Also forgive my heteronormative reading of this (I'm assuming you're a woman) but it may be worth reading this condensed version of the epic Metafilter thread on emotional labour.
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:38 PM on March 5, 2016 [6 favorites]
Nthing Ruthless Bunny and adding that I was with that same guy for 7 years and it ended after moving across the country (because he had literally burned every bridge for a job where we lived before) and then immediately divorcing. I thought moving would be the change he needed. He just needed his parents to hand him a career.
posted by getawaysticks at 8:46 PM on March 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by getawaysticks at 8:46 PM on March 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dee. Tee. Emm. Eff. Ayy.
You are describing an unserious person.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:54 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
You are describing an unserious person.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:54 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
I am extra angry because my last boyfriend...
IMO you are in serious danger of killing this relationship off because of your unresolved problems from your previous relationships.
You were in a relationship with this guy for a year while he was working a job he didn't like. That suggests a good work ethic to me not a bad one as you're suggesting. You would have found out within that year if his work ethic wasn't compatible with yours.
You encouraged him out of that role but are now unhappy because he isn't conforming to your rules as to how quickly you want him to get a new one. Do you know how infuriatingly controlling that is?
You being extra angry at him for taking his time to find his dream job is not his fault. You need to de-escalate and resolve the problems you're bringing into this relationship and you need to do it now before he's had enough and figures out he's better off without all your drama.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:55 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
IMO you are in serious danger of killing this relationship off because of your unresolved problems from your previous relationships.
You were in a relationship with this guy for a year while he was working a job he didn't like. That suggests a good work ethic to me not a bad one as you're suggesting. You would have found out within that year if his work ethic wasn't compatible with yours.
You encouraged him out of that role but are now unhappy because he isn't conforming to your rules as to how quickly you want him to get a new one. Do you know how infuriatingly controlling that is?
You being extra angry at him for taking his time to find his dream job is not his fault. You need to de-escalate and resolve the problems you're bringing into this relationship and you need to do it now before he's had enough and figures out he's better off without all your drama.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 8:55 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
It looks like you have a tendency to move in with people really early in the relationship. Maybe it would be worth considering whether that's really the best course of action. I don't think that it sounds healthy to be living with someone and so invested in their career at the sixth month mark, that you'd encourage them to quit their job and then oversee their job hunting efforts. Take a step back. Think about whether you jumped in too soon and whether you need to back off.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 9:08 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 9:08 PM on March 5, 2016 [13 favorites]
If he's not a financial burden on you, then it isn't really your place to be pushing life choices onto him. I really don't think this is something to break up over, just something you have to work out and think about on your own. If he does become a financial burden, well, that's a different issue altogether.
Might want to consider, what do you want out of a relationship that a more driven person would deliver? If he were more driven, how would the relationship change, if at all? If it doesn't change anything... well, then why do you care? Just your measure of respect, or social pressures (from people asking you what he does, apparently)?
I'm really not familiar with your bf's career area, and I'm not your bf. But, in my field, there can definitely be long periods of unemployment because
1. not many positions within that field, even if the general unemployment rate is low in the area
2. people take off time to do more training in vocational programs, or pursue more education
3. applications for said programs/education will attempt to weed out people via hidden deadlines and other tricky bureaucratic hoops to jump.
It seems like your bf is currently going through something similar. If someone in my life were pestering me about not having a real job or lacking motivation while I muddle through all that, I'd be really annoyed. The pursuit of one's lifelong career can take a lot of forms other than a daily grind.
posted by picklenickle at 10:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Might want to consider, what do you want out of a relationship that a more driven person would deliver? If he were more driven, how would the relationship change, if at all? If it doesn't change anything... well, then why do you care? Just your measure of respect, or social pressures (from people asking you what he does, apparently)?
I'm really not familiar with your bf's career area, and I'm not your bf. But, in my field, there can definitely be long periods of unemployment because
1. not many positions within that field, even if the general unemployment rate is low in the area
2. people take off time to do more training in vocational programs, or pursue more education
3. applications for said programs/education will attempt to weed out people via hidden deadlines and other tricky bureaucratic hoops to jump.
It seems like your bf is currently going through something similar. If someone in my life were pestering me about not having a real job or lacking motivation while I muddle through all that, I'd be really annoyed. The pursuit of one's lifelong career can take a lot of forms other than a daily grind.
posted by picklenickle at 10:10 PM on March 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
May I gently suggest people read the question before replying. The boyfriend has not been diagnosed with PTSD or any other illness. A respondent suggested the boyfriend might have PTSD. That is all. The boyfriend currently is not reliant on the OP for money. He ultimately could be, but he is not currently.
While I'm here, I do think the OP should either break up with the boyfriend or let go of her expectations for his behavior. The question really isn't whether the OP should have them. The fact is the boyfriend does not share them. He is unlikely to become a driven achiever due to his girlfriend being angry that he's not one. This is not how life generally works. If his not being such a person is a dealbreaker for the OP, she shouldn't feel bad about saying so. Nor should she expect universal backslaps and cheers for this sentiment. It just is what it is. He's not going to change, so decide what's most important to you -- what will make you happy; like, really happy, not settling *sigh* "but I love him" but real happiness -- and act accordingly.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:23 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
While I'm here, I do think the OP should either break up with the boyfriend or let go of her expectations for his behavior. The question really isn't whether the OP should have them. The fact is the boyfriend does not share them. He is unlikely to become a driven achiever due to his girlfriend being angry that he's not one. This is not how life generally works. If his not being such a person is a dealbreaker for the OP, she shouldn't feel bad about saying so. Nor should she expect universal backslaps and cheers for this sentiment. It just is what it is. He's not going to change, so decide what's most important to you -- what will make you happy; like, really happy, not settling *sigh* "but I love him" but real happiness -- and act accordingly.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:23 PM on March 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Adults come as fully autonomous people. They aren't things you can change or dress up or otherwise alter. They come as they are, and it's your responsibility to accept that you can't change someone and that it's not OK to try. It's completely OK to say "I want a partner who is full time employed, and if that's not happening, then I'm going to move on". That's a boundary. It's not OK to say to your partner "You are going to get a full time job". That's controlling, which is a] disrespectful to the other person's autonomy, and b] as you seem to be starting to realise, generally fruitless.
You are not his mom. Quit acting like it.
If your partner isn't giving you what you want after you ask them to, then end the relationship. Then, I think you'll benefit from spending some time thinking about why you keep ending up in relationships with guys who are missing a vital piece of your own personal relationship puzzle. It's completely OK to want [something] from a relationship, but three times now, you've wound up in relationships that aren't giving you [thing]. You're making the same mistake of staying in relationships with someone who isn't working hard over and over. Why is that?
posted by Solomon at 12:20 AM on March 6, 2016 [11 favorites]
You are not his mom. Quit acting like it.
If your partner isn't giving you what you want after you ask them to, then end the relationship. Then, I think you'll benefit from spending some time thinking about why you keep ending up in relationships with guys who are missing a vital piece of your own personal relationship puzzle. It's completely OK to want [something] from a relationship, but three times now, you've wound up in relationships that aren't giving you [thing]. You're making the same mistake of staying in relationships with someone who isn't working hard over and over. Why is that?
posted by Solomon at 12:20 AM on March 6, 2016 [11 favorites]
I agree with most of these replies. You appear to be two very different people and you only have two choices; accept him for who he is or leave. Love should not be irrational, in this case don't let the 'love' you have for him force you into accepting a character trait you are not compatible with.
posted by Whatifyoufly at 3:41 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Whatifyoufly at 3:41 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you might find this dear sugar column helpful. The reader comments are really good too.
posted by foxjacket at 4:26 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by foxjacket at 4:26 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I was in a similar situation. In the end my partner did discover her ambition, but only once I managed to disconnect my own ideas about what she should be doing and be 100% supportive of her. She ended up needing a long period of convalescence but that was totally understandable given her circumstances. However, all of my occasional frustrations and anxieties (will I be supporting her forever) only made things worse.
Facing the job market when you have been through trauma is... difficult, let's say. The fact that he was deployed overseas jumped out at me in flashing neon lights. You kind of need some kind of belief in the safety of your current circumstances and belief in your own value and worth before you can be all rarr let's take on the world.
You have a choice here. You can choose to love him unconditionally* for who he is. This may give him what he needs to move forward. if all you can offer is disapproval and pressure, you should really do him a favour and let him go.
*Unconditional love can be a dangerous thing to offer, because it means you can be taken advantage of. There has to be good will and good faith on both sides. use your judgement here
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:14 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Facing the job market when you have been through trauma is... difficult, let's say. The fact that he was deployed overseas jumped out at me in flashing neon lights. You kind of need some kind of belief in the safety of your current circumstances and belief in your own value and worth before you can be all rarr let's take on the world.
You have a choice here. You can choose to love him unconditionally* for who he is. This may give him what he needs to move forward. if all you can offer is disapproval and pressure, you should really do him a favour and let him go.
*Unconditional love can be a dangerous thing to offer, because it means you can be taken advantage of. There has to be good will and good faith on both sides. use your judgement here
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:14 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Even setting aside any possible PTSD, I've heard from more than one vet that transitioning from an environment where everything has rules and you are directly told what to do to the freeform self-motivating chaos of civilian life can be a years-long process. So it might be worthwhile to see if he can get some professional help, whether some kind of career counseling or therapy if needed.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:39 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by soundguy99 at 6:39 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you're wound up because you thought you had broken out of the trap of picking guys with no initiative and/or ability to provide for themselves, and now this guy, who you thought was not like the others, is showing signs that he's likely to turn out to be like the others.
I agree that you can't change another person, obviously, and it sounds like you really didn't want to be getting him to do stuff by pressuring him in the first place.
I also agree that this apparently isn't a financial burden on you at this point, but disagree that you therefore don't have any legitimate grounds for being agitated and angry. If your account is to be taken at face value, he isn't taking this time off for the reasons he says he is and/or he can't get his act together to pursue the ambitions he says he has. Picking him up, carrying him bodily to the therapist's office, and setting him down in front of a therapist MIGHT help IF he wanted therapy, but it sounds like you don't necessarily want to be the one to have to do that kind of emotional labour on his behalf. Saying "you're probably pushing him the other way because he can probably sense your expectations" is another way of placing the burden on you.
I agree with those who say you can either break up with him or accept him as he is, but I also wanted to say that unless there's something you're not telling us, I really don't think you're at fault for being disappointed and anxious. You want a partner who can pull his weight and this one is making you legit worried that he can't or won't do so, in which case he may just not be the guy for you, no harm no foul.
posted by tel3path at 7:59 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I agree that you can't change another person, obviously, and it sounds like you really didn't want to be getting him to do stuff by pressuring him in the first place.
I also agree that this apparently isn't a financial burden on you at this point, but disagree that you therefore don't have any legitimate grounds for being agitated and angry. If your account is to be taken at face value, he isn't taking this time off for the reasons he says he is and/or he can't get his act together to pursue the ambitions he says he has. Picking him up, carrying him bodily to the therapist's office, and setting him down in front of a therapist MIGHT help IF he wanted therapy, but it sounds like you don't necessarily want to be the one to have to do that kind of emotional labour on his behalf. Saying "you're probably pushing him the other way because he can probably sense your expectations" is another way of placing the burden on you.
I agree with those who say you can either break up with him or accept him as he is, but I also wanted to say that unless there's something you're not telling us, I really don't think you're at fault for being disappointed and anxious. You want a partner who can pull his weight and this one is making you legit worried that he can't or won't do so, in which case he may just not be the guy for you, no harm no foul.
posted by tel3path at 7:59 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also, the overseas deployment was several years ago, meaning he's had several years to transition to a civilian environment, and as far as we know he has not been diagnosed with nor is experiencing symptoms of PTSD.
posted by tel3path at 8:08 AM on March 6, 2016
posted by tel3path at 8:08 AM on March 6, 2016
It's a great point that therapy, PTSD treatment, time, medication or whatever could turn him around, potentially - BUT you are also under no obligation to wait for that. I'm not sure I'm hearing this feels like a lifetime relationship for you, so that level of sacrifice is not expected or demanded. There's nothing wrong with prioritizing your need to be dating someone who is already functioning in the world of employment right now. That doesn't make him a bad person or your relationship a failure. It just means you are listening to yourself. It's your life, and it is okay to recognize that this may not be the point in your life at which you want to call on the patience it takes to have a fixer-upper project of a partner.
posted by Miko at 8:08 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 8:08 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've been living with someone for the last 26 years who brings out my better qualities. This happens to be a product of our interaction, not a plan she has for me. My residual faults aren't such as to produce any major strains on our relationship. Neither of us really understood some of our deeper, more subtle currents. Over the years we recognized them, and accounted for them. This was a process, and it was sometimes scary because we couldn't predict how it would affect our relationship. None of them turned out to be deal breakers, but I insist that the notion of what might turn out to be a deal breakers changed over the years.
It seems to me that the issues you write about are yours, not his. I am troubled that you recognized that he was in a soul-crushing situation, but seemed to have assumed that once he quit that job its effects disappeared. This may not have been the case, and he may yet be working through those issues. I don't claim that this is indeed the case, but maybe if you didn't see him as a slacker when he had that job, it may be unfair to see him as one now. So, if we assume that he may simply be in a transitional period in his life--he has to redefine himself--it may well be that you are seeing a tactic in his lifestyle that you hadn't noticed. It's good that his situation isn't causing any financial problems right now, but I understand that when he runs through his reserves, he's also burning resources that might be better applied to future projects.
Rather than trying to fix him, maybe you can figure out whether you can comfortably accept his approach to dealing with his issues. I don't mean too minimize your discomfort, but if I were in his place I would probably not like to have my partner treating me as if she thought I was a slacker, or worse, as if I needed to be fixed in order to live up to her standards.
Maybe your discomfort with his situation (and the problems you had in the past with slackers) can be handled by considering the facts (of this relationship) in a different light. However, even if he's good, decent, and otherwise fills your needs in a relationship, you still may never be comfortable with his style. As I pointed out above, mrs mule and I had certain issues to resolve even after several years together. This could not have been possible without a solid base of trust and respect. It turned out that as long as certain lines were never crossed, issues between us could be either resolved or simply handled in non-confrontational ways. In that way some problems turned out to be only hypothetical, never requiring a resolution.
For me, the major transition in our relationship was the shift from "me" to "we." I had a couple of serious relationships before mrs mule--they involved a deep and abiding affection, love, and those women still have a solid place in my heart. But before mrs mule I had not made that transition. Separation in those cases was painful, and looking back, inevitable. With mrs mule, by now separation is probably impossible, but it took time to get it that way.
I certainly don't encourage you to dump your partner unless you just can't figure out how to get past this hurdle. If you truly decide that he needs to be fixed, then it may be best, at least for him, for you to move on. By this you'll remove yourself from an uncomfortable, untenable situation, and he will have the space to examine his life's choices without worrying about how to fit his needs into the constraints of a relationship.
I wish you success in handling this.
posted by mule98J at 12:24 PM on March 6, 2016
It seems to me that the issues you write about are yours, not his. I am troubled that you recognized that he was in a soul-crushing situation, but seemed to have assumed that once he quit that job its effects disappeared. This may not have been the case, and he may yet be working through those issues. I don't claim that this is indeed the case, but maybe if you didn't see him as a slacker when he had that job, it may be unfair to see him as one now. So, if we assume that he may simply be in a transitional period in his life--he has to redefine himself--it may well be that you are seeing a tactic in his lifestyle that you hadn't noticed. It's good that his situation isn't causing any financial problems right now, but I understand that when he runs through his reserves, he's also burning resources that might be better applied to future projects.
Rather than trying to fix him, maybe you can figure out whether you can comfortably accept his approach to dealing with his issues. I don't mean too minimize your discomfort, but if I were in his place I would probably not like to have my partner treating me as if she thought I was a slacker, or worse, as if I needed to be fixed in order to live up to her standards.
Maybe your discomfort with his situation (and the problems you had in the past with slackers) can be handled by considering the facts (of this relationship) in a different light. However, even if he's good, decent, and otherwise fills your needs in a relationship, you still may never be comfortable with his style. As I pointed out above, mrs mule and I had certain issues to resolve even after several years together. This could not have been possible without a solid base of trust and respect. It turned out that as long as certain lines were never crossed, issues between us could be either resolved or simply handled in non-confrontational ways. In that way some problems turned out to be only hypothetical, never requiring a resolution.
For me, the major transition in our relationship was the shift from "me" to "we." I had a couple of serious relationships before mrs mule--they involved a deep and abiding affection, love, and those women still have a solid place in my heart. But before mrs mule I had not made that transition. Separation in those cases was painful, and looking back, inevitable. With mrs mule, by now separation is probably impossible, but it took time to get it that way.
I certainly don't encourage you to dump your partner unless you just can't figure out how to get past this hurdle. If you truly decide that he needs to be fixed, then it may be best, at least for him, for you to move on. By this you'll remove yourself from an uncomfortable, untenable situation, and he will have the space to examine his life's choices without worrying about how to fit his needs into the constraints of a relationship.
I wish you success in handling this.
posted by mule98J at 12:24 PM on March 6, 2016
I have been in your shoes. I am in the camp of telling you - don't compromise, move on. You two are incompatible on a fundamental level (In my life, this kind of mismatch was on par with with having different ideas about having children in terms of seriousness and relationship -killing)
I am a make-my-place-in-the-world kind of person (I've moved 1000+ miles for a job without knowing a soul in the new city more than once. The most soul-crushing jobs I've ever had, I've still carved out something about them to improve myself and set the stage for the next thing. In my world, everything is a springboard.) I've dated several men who were more find-their-place-in-the-world kind of people. This is a bad combination.
I agree with the people above, I made my boyfriends' lives miserable. But what hasn't been discussed as much is that looking back, they made my life miserable too. I saw my big visions for the future shrinking day by day, since my partner wasn't a real partner for the kind of life I wanted to build, they were an anchor holding me back. My plans became smaller, I couldn't take a big leap even in my own life without knowing I was making my partner feel like I was prioritizing myself over the relationship.
On the other hand, my husband has the same take the world by the horns attitude as me. You would think this might be a conflict, it totally isn't. We are both jump in with both feet people on our own lives and careers, but also for each other. He had my back when I had the chance to move us to Albuquerque, I have his back in building a whole new career (and his own business) here. We sat down over coffee this morning for another installment of our ongoing conversation of what we can do together and individually to build the life we want together. These conversations absolutely warm me to my soul. Now when I make compromises, they are for the good of our shared life goals, and don't make me feel like I have to make myself and my ambitions smaller. He has made it possible for me to have even bigger ambitions.
On another wonderful note, we are now pregnant, and he has jumped into fatherhood with both feet, with the same whole-hearted commitment, and readiness to fail and bounce back as he approaches everything else in his life.
What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with you or your boyfriend, you're just with the wrong people. Find someone who wants to barnstorm the world with you, you'll be so much happier.
posted by antimony at 1:01 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
I am a make-my-place-in-the-world kind of person (I've moved 1000+ miles for a job without knowing a soul in the new city more than once. The most soul-crushing jobs I've ever had, I've still carved out something about them to improve myself and set the stage for the next thing. In my world, everything is a springboard.) I've dated several men who were more find-their-place-in-the-world kind of people. This is a bad combination.
I agree with the people above, I made my boyfriends' lives miserable. But what hasn't been discussed as much is that looking back, they made my life miserable too. I saw my big visions for the future shrinking day by day, since my partner wasn't a real partner for the kind of life I wanted to build, they were an anchor holding me back. My plans became smaller, I couldn't take a big leap even in my own life without knowing I was making my partner feel like I was prioritizing myself over the relationship.
On the other hand, my husband has the same take the world by the horns attitude as me. You would think this might be a conflict, it totally isn't. We are both jump in with both feet people on our own lives and careers, but also for each other. He had my back when I had the chance to move us to Albuquerque, I have his back in building a whole new career (and his own business) here. We sat down over coffee this morning for another installment of our ongoing conversation of what we can do together and individually to build the life we want together. These conversations absolutely warm me to my soul. Now when I make compromises, they are for the good of our shared life goals, and don't make me feel like I have to make myself and my ambitions smaller. He has made it possible for me to have even bigger ambitions.
On another wonderful note, we are now pregnant, and he has jumped into fatherhood with both feet, with the same whole-hearted commitment, and readiness to fail and bounce back as he approaches everything else in his life.
What I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with you or your boyfriend, you're just with the wrong people. Find someone who wants to barnstorm the world with you, you'll be so much happier.
posted by antimony at 1:01 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
IF he's not leaning on you financially, that's good...
He might not know what he really wants to do now that he basically has several different potential paths forward. That takes time and it can be scary.
BUT... if in the meantime, he's just sitting around doing nothing... well, there's no excuse for that. IMHO he should be doing EVERYTHING he possibly can to support YOU and your relationship as well. Like keeping the house clean, doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and packing you a lunch to take to work.
I have to say it does strike me as a bit odd that you are concerned about what other people think when asked what your boyfriend does. So what if he's unemployed and is living off of his own savings? He earned it. I don't think there's any shame in saying "He quit his job 6 months ago and he's figuring out what's next".
It sounds to me like you guys just need to have a heart to heart conversation. Sit down one night, make some tea, and tell him directly how you feel. Don't hide it, don't beat around the bush, don't get angry or defensive. And remember, he has feelings too. I find that it works best to say things that start with "I feel..." and talk about YOURSELF and not the other person. Like "I feel stressed because I spend so much time working" instead of "I feel like you need to cook me dinner because you're at home all day doing nothing anyway". The BEST way to resolve conflict is to get the other person to understand your feelings, wants, needs, etc so that THEY come up with the solution that makes you happy, instead of you telling them that directly. When people feel like something is their idea, they're much more likely to do it, versus being told the EXACT same thing.
And please come back and give us an update!
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 4:09 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
He might not know what he really wants to do now that he basically has several different potential paths forward. That takes time and it can be scary.
BUT... if in the meantime, he's just sitting around doing nothing... well, there's no excuse for that. IMHO he should be doing EVERYTHING he possibly can to support YOU and your relationship as well. Like keeping the house clean, doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and packing you a lunch to take to work.
I have to say it does strike me as a bit odd that you are concerned about what other people think when asked what your boyfriend does. So what if he's unemployed and is living off of his own savings? He earned it. I don't think there's any shame in saying "He quit his job 6 months ago and he's figuring out what's next".
It sounds to me like you guys just need to have a heart to heart conversation. Sit down one night, make some tea, and tell him directly how you feel. Don't hide it, don't beat around the bush, don't get angry or defensive. And remember, he has feelings too. I find that it works best to say things that start with "I feel..." and talk about YOURSELF and not the other person. Like "I feel stressed because I spend so much time working" instead of "I feel like you need to cook me dinner because you're at home all day doing nothing anyway". The BEST way to resolve conflict is to get the other person to understand your feelings, wants, needs, etc so that THEY come up with the solution that makes you happy, instead of you telling them that directly. When people feel like something is their idea, they're much more likely to do it, versus being told the EXACT same thing.
And please come back and give us an update!
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 4:09 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm with you: dating a slacker isn't something I'd want to repeat again, and you've already done it twice? Yeah, I'd be flipping out at #3 myself.
My experience with slackers is that if they are employed, they tend to be miserable at their jobs (any job, they hate it) and much happier when all they do is play video games all day. So encouraging him to quit didn't go so well, and from what I've heard, it's REALLY HARD to get into a fire or police job these days even if he was right on the ball about those things. So what this boils down to is, he's a nice guy, but you highly doubt he's going to ever work again at this rate and his level of effort.
And I'm with you: I am no longer okay with that. I need someone who can take care of himself if I can't be the breadwinner for the both of us (which I can't, I'm a low rent peon). I don't want a stay at home plays games spouse because he can't be financial backup if I need it and if something happens to me, we're both fucked. I find that very scary as a live in or married situation. And unfortunately, "nagging someone to get a J-O-B" isn't really something you can successfully do or have any control over.
So you have my permission to break up with him, but I don't know how you'll handle throwing an unemployed boyfriend out of your home, so good luck with that bit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:24 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
My experience with slackers is that if they are employed, they tend to be miserable at their jobs (any job, they hate it) and much happier when all they do is play video games all day. So encouraging him to quit didn't go so well, and from what I've heard, it's REALLY HARD to get into a fire or police job these days even if he was right on the ball about those things. So what this boils down to is, he's a nice guy, but you highly doubt he's going to ever work again at this rate and his level of effort.
And I'm with you: I am no longer okay with that. I need someone who can take care of himself if I can't be the breadwinner for the both of us (which I can't, I'm a low rent peon). I don't want a stay at home plays games spouse because he can't be financial backup if I need it and if something happens to me, we're both fucked. I find that very scary as a live in or married situation. And unfortunately, "nagging someone to get a J-O-B" isn't really something you can successfully do or have any control over.
So you have my permission to break up with him, but I don't know how you'll handle throwing an unemployed boyfriend out of your home, so good luck with that bit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:24 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
If he has PTSD, he probably needs treatment / you could both use a better understanding of what is going on with him, probably through treatment. If he doesn't, he needs to get a job, like, yesterday. I find it faintly ridiculous that so many people are calling this "your" problem. I mean, if they'd be OK with their partner quitting their job to do whatever they wanted every day, then fair enough. But I doubt it. Partners are... partners. Is he contributing to your shared life?
You're allowed to be turned off by an adult who isn't taking care of himself. It sounds from your question that it's not like he's using this time to be a homemaker or work seriously on self-improvement. He's relying on your pushing and contacts to very incrementally make progress.
Hard to break up in this situation (living together), but I would have a Big Talk and see if you can come to some kind of mutual understanding here.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:02 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're allowed to be turned off by an adult who isn't taking care of himself. It sounds from your question that it's not like he's using this time to be a homemaker or work seriously on self-improvement. He's relying on your pushing and contacts to very incrementally make progress.
Hard to break up in this situation (living together), but I would have a Big Talk and see if you can come to some kind of mutual understanding here.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:02 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Chrysalis at 5:02 PM on March 5, 2016