Touching vs. being touched
March 3, 2016 10:16 PM Subscribe
I'm realizing that I don't like unidirectional affectionate touch when someone else is touching me (like resting a hand on the top of my thigh, or on my back, or the back of my neck.)
The odd thing is that I (really really) like touching other people in similar ways (i.e. putting my hand on someone), and I really really enjoy mutual touch (holding hands) and love more full-body touch like cuddling or someone resting their head on my chest when we're both lying down. But the same person resting their hand on my thigh while we're sitting next to each other has felt excruciating.
I'm feeling bewildered and stressed out by this unusual need/preference that I seem to have and would like resources for understanding and navigating this, as well as hearing people's experiences with it.
[I realize it's possibly some kind of sensory/neurological issue and that it might have something to do with light touch/deep touch (I don't like light touch in general.) I have never had discomfort being touched in the context of a massage--I've had two-- or for doctors' exams.
Also, I'm not talking about sex itself in this situation, although I also do seem to prefer to be the initiator and top sexually. ]
The odd thing is that I (really really) like touching other people in similar ways (i.e. putting my hand on someone), and I really really enjoy mutual touch (holding hands) and love more full-body touch like cuddling or someone resting their head on my chest when we're both lying down. But the same person resting their hand on my thigh while we're sitting next to each other has felt excruciating.
I'm feeling bewildered and stressed out by this unusual need/preference that I seem to have and would like resources for understanding and navigating this, as well as hearing people's experiences with it.
[I realize it's possibly some kind of sensory/neurological issue and that it might have something to do with light touch/deep touch (I don't like light touch in general.) I have never had discomfort being touched in the context of a massage--I've had two-- or for doctors' exams.
Also, I'm not talking about sex itself in this situation, although I also do seem to prefer to be the initiator and top sexually. ]
I'm like this, to the point where I usually flinch if someone touches me, especially a stranger. It just is what it is - I've never thought too much about it.
posted by ryanbryan at 10:49 PM on March 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by ryanbryan at 10:49 PM on March 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
You are not alone. Fifteen years with my wife and I'm still like this. Love touching her, love mutual touch, very rarely like being touched. I can tolerate it if the touch is firm and unmoving, i.e., put your hand solidly on my thigh and don't fucking rub or squeeze or be gentle or tickly or teasing. Even then it's toleration and not enjoyment.
Your dislike of gentle touch is mine as well. I often literally tell her "if you want to touch me you need to decide where your hand is going, put it firmly there, and don't move it" but that's not how most people like to touch others so we both get irritated. What frustrates the shit out of her is that the way I hate being touched is also the way I like touching her, and she doesn't mind it so why do I? It's crazy-making for both of us.
I do't let strangers touch me. I'm a man and I have a look about me so that's easier for me than it is for a woman.
posted by Sternmeyer at 10:59 PM on March 3, 2016 [14 favorites]
Your dislike of gentle touch is mine as well. I often literally tell her "if you want to touch me you need to decide where your hand is going, put it firmly there, and don't move it" but that's not how most people like to touch others so we both get irritated. What frustrates the shit out of her is that the way I hate being touched is also the way I like touching her, and she doesn't mind it so why do I? It's crazy-making for both of us.
I do't let strangers touch me. I'm a man and I have a look about me so that's easier for me than it is for a woman.
posted by Sternmeyer at 10:59 PM on March 3, 2016 [14 favorites]
There are subtle signals of ownership/possession in the examples you mentioned. That doesn't have to be what you're reacting to. It might be a light touch/sensory issue, like the bad kind of being tickled.
I generally like being touched, but I have my own idiosyncratic sensitivities: my lower back (if I'm laying down) is very very fickle, and mindless, irregular stroking drives me crazy. My ex used to mindlessly draw on my hand with his thumb while we were holding hands, and it would make me lose my mind. Unfortunately, I never talked to him about it, just dealt with it by tolerating it, or trapping his thumb with mine. (Do as I say, not as I do!)
Saying, "That doesn't feel good" and moving away from the uncomfortable touch is fine and will be respected by any decent person. With a romantic partner, it's important to follow it up by replacing that attempt at intimacy with a different one that's more comfortable to you.
Remember that the person touching you is using affection to build intimacy, so pulling away from that intimacy can feel (to the other person) like rejection. Emotions aren't logic. Reaching out with your own bid for intimacy (putting your arm around them, putting their arm around you, moving to hold hands, whatever) will reassure the other person, and confirm that your weird nerve endings, not them or their actions, are the problem.
posted by itesser at 11:09 PM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I generally like being touched, but I have my own idiosyncratic sensitivities: my lower back (if I'm laying down) is very very fickle, and mindless, irregular stroking drives me crazy. My ex used to mindlessly draw on my hand with his thumb while we were holding hands, and it would make me lose my mind. Unfortunately, I never talked to him about it, just dealt with it by tolerating it, or trapping his thumb with mine. (Do as I say, not as I do!)
Saying, "That doesn't feel good" and moving away from the uncomfortable touch is fine and will be respected by any decent person. With a romantic partner, it's important to follow it up by replacing that attempt at intimacy with a different one that's more comfortable to you.
Remember that the person touching you is using affection to build intimacy, so pulling away from that intimacy can feel (to the other person) like rejection. Emotions aren't logic. Reaching out with your own bid for intimacy (putting your arm around them, putting their arm around you, moving to hold hands, whatever) will reassure the other person, and confirm that your weird nerve endings, not them or their actions, are the problem.
posted by itesser at 11:09 PM on March 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm sort of similar, maybe. Being patted (from a bit of a distance, vs a mutual embrace) makes me feel like I'm being treated or thought of as if I were some kind of pet, or a child. Or it just feels a little objectifying - like I'm being put in my place, controlled; or being placed, rather. Totally different story if it's mutual, or if there is at least the feeling that reciprocation is expected or welcome. It's a bit "you're there, and I'm here, let's have it stay like that, I like it this way".
Friends - again, no problem if it's easygoing and mutual. I've known a couple of people I've been friendly with (wouldn't call them friends per se) who have e.g. squeezed my arm intending to express something positive, I think, but in a very deliberate and kind of weirdly timed way, out of the context of the exchange - that (again) feels controlling. (Like there are more and less natural squeezes, pats, etc. As communications that fit with the rest of the tone and timing of the convo, great, or if clearly emerging from a moment in which they're feeling spontaneously effusive, expressive, connected, also great. But sometimes someone is trying to say something I am not up for.)
With strangers (or even hairdressers I've seen a dozen times, who I anticipate will have to touch me), I'm just very aware of being that close to another human body, and it's a little weird because it's a shade closer than my normal, comfortable spatial boundary.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:27 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Friends - again, no problem if it's easygoing and mutual. I've known a couple of people I've been friendly with (wouldn't call them friends per se) who have e.g. squeezed my arm intending to express something positive, I think, but in a very deliberate and kind of weirdly timed way, out of the context of the exchange - that (again) feels controlling. (Like there are more and less natural squeezes, pats, etc. As communications that fit with the rest of the tone and timing of the convo, great, or if clearly emerging from a moment in which they're feeling spontaneously effusive, expressive, connected, also great. But sometimes someone is trying to say something I am not up for.)
With strangers (or even hairdressers I've seen a dozen times, who I anticipate will have to touch me), I'm just very aware of being that close to another human body, and it's a little weird because it's a shade closer than my normal, comfortable spatial boundary.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:27 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
My current job involves working in various shops. I get people asking me where things are a lot, which is understandable because the things I'm doing (dressing displays, etc) make it look like I do in fact work there, when I don't. When people apologise, they invariably grab me by the shoulder, then act like I'm the one who is being really rude when I snatch my shoulder away from their grip. On the plus side, people don't generally come in for another try at touching me, having set that emotional barrier in place.
I don't like being touched unless I'm ready for it. I think it's extremely obnoxious to start putting your hands on someone without asking if they're OK with it. I don't even like shaking hands with someone - "here, have some of the germs I've picked up on my travels since the last time I washed my hands, and maybe also some sweat". For me, part of it is control. If I'm shaking hands with someone, I try to grab their hand, rather than just sticking mine out.
That said, touch can be an intensely pleasant thing as well as an intensely unpleasant thing. I can recall a simple hug that I got from a friend over ten years ago. I felt a bit like I was drunk at the end of it, there was that much oxytocin swimming in my brain. From a purely platonic, fully clothed hug.
Overall, I don't see having a certain level of comfort regarding being touched as being a problem, any more than I see the colour of my eyes as being a problem. It's just the way my genetic situation rolled out. Other people can get really stroppy and entitled and judgemental when they don't have access to your body, and have all kinds of assumptions about how you're weird or peculiar in some way for not wanting physical contact. Of course, they never think it's them who are being weird and/or peculiar by trying to force intimacy on you without getting your consent and where it isn't warranted. It's not your responsibility to perform the emotional labour of making other people feel good about crossing the line. It's their responsibility to not force themselves on people in the first instance.
posted by Solomon at 12:53 AM on March 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
I don't like being touched unless I'm ready for it. I think it's extremely obnoxious to start putting your hands on someone without asking if they're OK with it. I don't even like shaking hands with someone - "here, have some of the germs I've picked up on my travels since the last time I washed my hands, and maybe also some sweat". For me, part of it is control. If I'm shaking hands with someone, I try to grab their hand, rather than just sticking mine out.
That said, touch can be an intensely pleasant thing as well as an intensely unpleasant thing. I can recall a simple hug that I got from a friend over ten years ago. I felt a bit like I was drunk at the end of it, there was that much oxytocin swimming in my brain. From a purely platonic, fully clothed hug.
Overall, I don't see having a certain level of comfort regarding being touched as being a problem, any more than I see the colour of my eyes as being a problem. It's just the way my genetic situation rolled out. Other people can get really stroppy and entitled and judgemental when they don't have access to your body, and have all kinds of assumptions about how you're weird or peculiar in some way for not wanting physical contact. Of course, they never think it's them who are being weird and/or peculiar by trying to force intimacy on you without getting your consent and where it isn't warranted. It's not your responsibility to perform the emotional labour of making other people feel good about crossing the line. It's their responsibility to not force themselves on people in the first instance.
posted by Solomon at 12:53 AM on March 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
When I'm pregnant, suddenly I hate it when my husband wants to touch my neck or ears... Occasionally I have trouble being touched on my legs... Because that touch doesn't bother me when I'm NOT pregnant, I believe it's hormonal for me... So that's another possibility...
posted by catspajammies at 3:07 AM on March 4, 2016
posted by catspajammies at 3:07 AM on March 4, 2016
Evolutionarily, it makes sense that someone touching you without you capitulating would freak your brain out. I don't think this is so unusual.
posted by deathpanels at 4:50 AM on March 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 4:50 AM on March 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't like this either and in my case some of it is that I have very sensitive skin (and my husband's natural body temperature is approximately a billion degrees). If he lays his hand on my bare leg, I will start getting a prickly heat rash after a couple minutes. Even when it's not rash-inducing, my skin just gets itchy fast and the whole thing is terrifically uncomfortable.
(I am also very picky about clothes' fabric and tags and seams because they can irritate my skin so much.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:53 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
(I am also very picky about clothes' fabric and tags and seams because they can irritate my skin so much.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:53 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have this and for me it's a sensory thing. I think the difference is that if I'm engaging in mutual touch, my thoughts and attention is focused on that. But if someone else is just touching me, I'm usually doing something else and I can't stand the distraction or mixing of physical touch with other activities in trying to concentrate on. The problem is that I am much more sensitive / I can't stop noticing things that are going on, so that's why I can't deal with touch that's ok for others.
posted by hyperion at 5:32 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by hyperion at 5:32 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have this too. It's the reason I can't stand getting manicures; I don't like people touching my hands. I'm pretty sure I have or had some degree of sensory processing disorder, because I'm super super sensitive to noise too -- like, freakishly sensitive. I assume that has something to do with it. Luckily, it's not that hard for me to avoid situations where it comes up; obviously I don't get manicures and I can just ask my husband to please not do that, etc.
posted by holborne at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by holborne at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm the opposite; I like to be touched but, growing up mostly in the US, I don't touch people for the most part because I don't have a great sense of who and/or how.
Touch has a high degree of cultural relativity. Thus, the meaning of touch can only be understood in its cultural context (Halbrook & Duplechin, 1994; Phalan, 2009). Montagu (1971) brought together emergent studies related to the function of skin and touch in the role of human development in his seminal work, Touching: The Human Significance of Skin. Among other things, Montagu observed cultural attitudes towards touch by developing a continuum of tactility. People of Germanic and Anglo-Saxon origin were placed on the low end of the continuum. Americans ranked only slightly higher than their English ancestors, while Scandinavians occupied the middle position. People of Latin, Mediterranean, and Third World ancestry were placed at the high end. This is further substantiated in studies done by Argile (1988), Mehrabian, (1971) and Scheflen (1972). In a study done by Jourard (1966), people from different cultures were observed in casual conversation. He counted the number of times they touched during a one-hour period. Touching occurred 180 times an hour in Puerto Rico, 110 times in Paris, in London, 0; and in the U.S., 2.posted by aniola at 8:53 AM on March 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm totally like this, you're not weird/alone at all. To me, being touched without touching is just so passive, and I'm not a passive person. And, like, if I want to move or go do my own thing, then there I go messing up someone touching me, and that can be taken as a rejection.
Oh god and the worst? The worst is when you're sitting in a restaurant and the other person grabs your hand to hold hands on top of the table. Like what the fuck is that. I need this hand, bro, to do any number of things with. It is not yours, btfo. Even when things are going great! Great date! Just this thing you're doing is dumb.
So I'm just super clear about it and it's never a problem! There's sometimes some initial hurt feelings, but honestly it smooths right over as soon as folks realize it's a rejection of the specific action and not of them in general. Just use your words and you'll be ok.
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh god and the worst? The worst is when you're sitting in a restaurant and the other person grabs your hand to hold hands on top of the table. Like what the fuck is that. I need this hand, bro, to do any number of things with. It is not yours, btfo. Even when things are going great! Great date! Just this thing you're doing is dumb.
So I'm just super clear about it and it's never a problem! There's sometimes some initial hurt feelings, but honestly it smooths right over as soon as folks realize it's a rejection of the specific action and not of them in general. Just use your words and you'll be ok.
posted by phunniemee at 10:32 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I find if you don't make it a big a big deal then only the truly obnoxious push it.
"Don't touch me please"
"Why?"
"Don't like it" *shrug*
posted by fullerine at 11:13 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Don't touch me please"
"Why?"
"Don't like it" *shrug*
posted by fullerine at 11:13 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
You are not overblowing this. Unwanted touch is incredibly objectifying and demeaning. There is little that can make my day go from nice to crappy, fast. Friends/people I care about who do things like you described in the OP without permission get an angry face and a stern "whoa, please do not [grab my shoulders/pet my head/sneak up behind me and hug me/ever put your hand on my leg]". If they seem surprised, I'll add "it makes me feel really uncomfortable/it's a violation of my boundaries". With the clarification, folks tend to react pretty well - rather than filing it under 'capricorn is a standoffish weirdo' (which I'm not!). Strangers/people I've just met are lucky if I ever speak to them again. Because seriously, rude as hell.
I also have sensory issues but let's be real, this ain't about that, this is about gender.
But wait, I'm a little confused...are you talking about randos or your romantic partner? If it is your partner, yeah, I think you will want to soften it a little bit because that kind of touch is expected in a relationship. "Hey, I have some sensory stuff or whatever, if you don't mind not doing [x, y, and z]/keeping your hand firm when you do [a, b, and c] that would be really nice...it just feels weird and unpleasant for me!" Probably easier if you address each thing in the moment rather than making it "we need to talk about something". You can say "I'm sorry" if you want to but you don't have to. I think you are aware it might be a little sad for them and proceed with that knowledge, that's enough, because don't need to apologize for making decisions about your own body.
posted by capricorn at 12:56 PM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I also have sensory issues but let's be real, this ain't about that, this is about gender.
But wait, I'm a little confused...are you talking about randos or your romantic partner? If it is your partner, yeah, I think you will want to soften it a little bit because that kind of touch is expected in a relationship. "Hey, I have some sensory stuff or whatever, if you don't mind not doing [x, y, and z]/keeping your hand firm when you do [a, b, and c] that would be really nice...it just feels weird and unpleasant for me!" Probably easier if you address each thing in the moment rather than making it "we need to talk about something". You can say "I'm sorry" if you want to but you don't have to. I think you are aware it might be a little sad for them and proceed with that knowledge, that's enough, because don't need to apologize for making decisions about your own body.
posted by capricorn at 12:56 PM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
put your hand solidly on my thigh and don't fucking rub or squeeze or be gentle or tickly or teasing. Even then it's toleration and not enjoyment.
Ha, that is me! I'm in a long term relaitonship that is, in many ways, nicely physical but my partner really likes to just sort of rub his hand around on me when we're sitting together and it's all I can do to keep my shit together and not be like STOP IT RIGHT NOW. And it's weird, like it's not strictly a normative response but to me it's like noise. Like, if someone's rubbing me or moving a hand on me or touching me lightly (again not in a sex way but just in an affectionate way) it sounds like there's a radio on somewhere that I can't quite hear tuned to some bad station and it's not ... quiet which I like. Like, I like holding hands but then if he starts moving his thumbs around and rubbing the hand he's holding I will, again, be like NOPE.
I'm sensitive to light, noise, itchy fabrics, a bunch of things and I sleep under a really weighty amount of blankets at night. This is just how I am.
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on March 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ha, that is me! I'm in a long term relaitonship that is, in many ways, nicely physical but my partner really likes to just sort of rub his hand around on me when we're sitting together and it's all I can do to keep my shit together and not be like STOP IT RIGHT NOW. And it's weird, like it's not strictly a normative response but to me it's like noise. Like, if someone's rubbing me or moving a hand on me or touching me lightly (again not in a sex way but just in an affectionate way) it sounds like there's a radio on somewhere that I can't quite hear tuned to some bad station and it's not ... quiet which I like. Like, I like holding hands but then if he starts moving his thumbs around and rubbing the hand he's holding I will, again, be like NOPE.
I'm sensitive to light, noise, itchy fabrics, a bunch of things and I sleep under a really weighty amount of blankets at night. This is just how I am.
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on March 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: To be clear: the specific situation I am talking about is in romantic contexts/with partners/people I am dating.
I realize there's potentially a gender component and that one-sided touch can be possessive-ish. I'm queer and have thought about gender and gender dynamics a whole, whole lot. I initially thought this was mostly a brain thing--last year on a date someone (who happens to be a trans man, I happen to be a masculine/butch woman) put his hand on the small of my back while we were walking on the street and it was like no dude, I'm not your lady, don't do that. (I didn't say that, but it was in my head. Ultimately there were other things that made that dating situation not work out.)
But with the person I'm dating now, there's a clear intentional element of me being the more masculine/assertive/toppy one (even though our appearances are similar gender-wise) and I still can't handle this sort of touch from them, either. We've discussed it a little (and earlier in the dating process they didn't do it at all) but I feel odd drawing the line as firmly as my body seems to want, especially since I know that it's affectionate touch and that they want to express affection somehow physically, especially as we get closer, and I'm not sure how to redirect that.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:19 PM on March 4, 2016
I realize there's potentially a gender component and that one-sided touch can be possessive-ish. I'm queer and have thought about gender and gender dynamics a whole, whole lot. I initially thought this was mostly a brain thing--last year on a date someone (who happens to be a trans man, I happen to be a masculine/butch woman) put his hand on the small of my back while we were walking on the street and it was like no dude, I'm not your lady, don't do that. (I didn't say that, but it was in my head. Ultimately there were other things that made that dating situation not work out.)
But with the person I'm dating now, there's a clear intentional element of me being the more masculine/assertive/toppy one (even though our appearances are similar gender-wise) and I still can't handle this sort of touch from them, either. We've discussed it a little (and earlier in the dating process they didn't do it at all) but I feel odd drawing the line as firmly as my body seems to want, especially since I know that it's affectionate touch and that they want to express affection somehow physically, especially as we get closer, and I'm not sure how to redirect that.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:19 PM on March 4, 2016
Wondering what would happen if you tried exploring this with your partner by you initiating this kind of touch and then your partner mirrors it. If it is mutual and initiated by you, does that turn out to be OK? If it is, then doing that might help your body get acclimated to this kind of touch specifically from your partner. Eventually, it may be feel more acceptable and then it might work if the partner initiates it sometimes. Or it might not - but it might be worth trying it out.
posted by metahawk at 8:33 PM on March 4, 2016
posted by metahawk at 8:33 PM on March 4, 2016
I don't like random touch (massages by strangers? Awful). I don't like being touched passively (my mother says even as a baby, if you patted or rubbed my back, I would respond by doing the same to you).
But light touch is the worst, especially if I am upset about something else. Mr. Nat used to try to comfort me with light touch(argh) but being really clear that firm is ok, light is not, has worked pretty well. We can even joke about it now.
For me I think it's clearly some sensory thing (used to get rashes from clothing tags as a kid, hated certain textures, still get rashes from anything with wool, hate having hairs rubbed the wrong way (do not mess with the eyebrows)). But to me the reason doesn't matter so much, as long as I can clearly communicate to my partner that "this touch is not working, please try this other touch instead".
I think just some clearly stated repetition has worked for me, but it is possible that my general quirkiness about touch has helped accept that this is not an issue about our romantic relationship, it is an issue about me alone.
In your specific case, I think coming up with positive touch you do like will help with redirection, and will give your partner space to express physical affection without driving you up a wall.
Oh I should also say in my case, when I can tell that mr. Nat has self-redirected his touch to fit my needs, I really appreciate it- it is a direct physical manifestion of the fact that he listens and responds to my needs. This is what your body needs- it is ok to let your partner know that.
posted by nat at 10:36 PM on March 4, 2016
But light touch is the worst, especially if I am upset about something else. Mr. Nat used to try to comfort me with light touch(argh) but being really clear that firm is ok, light is not, has worked pretty well. We can even joke about it now.
For me I think it's clearly some sensory thing (used to get rashes from clothing tags as a kid, hated certain textures, still get rashes from anything with wool, hate having hairs rubbed the wrong way (do not mess with the eyebrows)). But to me the reason doesn't matter so much, as long as I can clearly communicate to my partner that "this touch is not working, please try this other touch instead".
I think just some clearly stated repetition has worked for me, but it is possible that my general quirkiness about touch has helped accept that this is not an issue about our romantic relationship, it is an issue about me alone.
In your specific case, I think coming up with positive touch you do like will help with redirection, and will give your partner space to express physical affection without driving you up a wall.
Oh I should also say in my case, when I can tell that mr. Nat has self-redirected his touch to fit my needs, I really appreciate it- it is a direct physical manifestion of the fact that he listens and responds to my needs. This is what your body needs- it is ok to let your partner know that.
posted by nat at 10:36 PM on March 4, 2016
Ah, another thought- it's not just ok to let your partner know your touch needs here- it is also an opportunity for greater intimacy. They get to know what you want, and can thus touch you ( or *not* touch you) in the exact way you like.
posted by nat at 10:40 PM on March 4, 2016
posted by nat at 10:40 PM on March 4, 2016
Hey, just because it isn't a sexual situation doesn't mean you can't have touch preferences!
I don't think you are unusual. Different people are different.
If these were more sexual situations, the idea that person A wants to be touched *there* in a certain way and that person B doesn't like that probably wouldn't seem so odd to you. It would probably even seem kind of strange if someone felt that you were supposed to like a certain type of touch just because someone else or even most people did. And if you were happy with a certain touch from person C, you wouldn't be expected to accept those same touches from person D just because you liked them from someone else.
Why in the world should you have the same preferences as others just because it's not a sexual situation??? It's OK to tell people how you do and don't want to be touch whether or not sex is involved, and it's normal to have preferences in this area.
posted by yohko at 8:13 AM on March 7, 2016
I don't think you are unusual. Different people are different.
If these were more sexual situations, the idea that person A wants to be touched *there* in a certain way and that person B doesn't like that probably wouldn't seem so odd to you. It would probably even seem kind of strange if someone felt that you were supposed to like a certain type of touch just because someone else or even most people did. And if you were happy with a certain touch from person C, you wouldn't be expected to accept those same touches from person D just because you liked them from someone else.
Why in the world should you have the same preferences as others just because it's not a sexual situation??? It's OK to tell people how you do and don't want to be touch whether or not sex is involved, and it's normal to have preferences in this area.
posted by yohko at 8:13 AM on March 7, 2016
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Maybe it's . . . just not a problem? We all have unusual preferences about some things, and within an ambit in which it isn't hurting you or hurting or burdening someone, maybe it's just a quirk and the people you love can work with it.
I have this specifically about having my neck touched, and I've just stopped hiding it. If I get a haircut I just SAY "Please keep the cape as loose as possible or I will be physically tense and anxious for the next 45 minutes." No one cares; it's just a point of information.
posted by listen, lady at 10:21 PM on March 3, 2016 [12 favorites]