Finding a connection in the big city
March 1, 2016 8:10 AM   Subscribe

So, I got my divorce finalized recently after having been separated for 1.5 years. I think I am ready to try meeting and knowing new people. The challenge is I moved to US about 3 years ago and don't really have any experience with dating here.

I created an OKC profile and would love to have your inputs on the profile. How does it come across? What are the areas of improvement? Are there any other websites you would recommend?

OKC mentions an attractiveness score. How can I find out mine? i read somewhere that other people can find that out and tell it to me.

I have dated in India but there I met people through work or friends and there was always an opportunity to gauge a person's interest before explicitly moving forward. I am not sure if/how that would work/ can work here. I think I am, as yet, not very proficient at recognizing social cues in what is a very different culture. I am always worried about crossing boundaries. Any points I should keep in mind before/while dating? Any perspective from expats would be great.

I think I am still quite a bit rusty when it comes to wooing. Perhaps a lack of confidence or still feeling cagey about opening up. Any tips or tricks that would help?
posted by TheLittlePrince to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Quick thoughts re profile:
- Proofread! Use consistent caps, spacing, etc. Removing text below should give you more space for that
- I don't know about the sunglasses, it would be good to see your face
- Would remove:

so, it seems, I am a rare catch which you, luckily, don't have to release.

mmm, not so funny, sorry :/

I joined OKC because I was impressed by its focus on data analysis and I find its blog fascinating. Hopefully, they have done a good job in bringing my profile to your notice.
don't need to explain reasons for being there, potential partners are also online, sounds defensive

This article, in particular, is pretty cool and is the reason why I have selected all ethnicities :) I am sorry if you felt misdirected by my selections there.

Ah :/ Not sure about this here! It *is* a cool (and important) article that everyone should read. And race will likely be a factor for some people, sadly. In a way, it's refreshing to see someone address this openly, right in their profile. But I don't think you should apologize for *anything* - especially not your race (!!! - because this does feel a bit like an implicit apology for being a person of colour, which is gutting to read :( ), or your preferences, or other people having biased preferences (!), or anything of the sort! If someone doesn't want to be matched with you because of race, tough luck for them, you don't owe them anything. Honestly, this was sad to read :(

(And, you're losing valuable space.)

Oh and one more thing: creating my bucket list. Help me with that, willya?

This comes across as a bit needy, really, everyone should just come up with their own bucket list. (Well, I mean, I could also do with help with a bucket list, but I don't think a potential date is the best person for that, or that an OKC profile is a good place to ask. That's big life stuff you're wanting assistance with - not your date's job!)

everyone says they enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation ... so I guess if you would like to have one, please, please message. I am dying to figure out what it is.

Bolded sort of sounds like you're judging people currently in your life for being insufficiently intellectual. Avoid negatives / focus on positives. Go with something like "Please please message if you love to talk about [x thing]" or similar.

Otherwise, LOVE this profile - great, easygoing tone, lots of good info, I bet you'll match with someone good :)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:22 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]

Erm - am aware that my recommendation to proof was itself unproofed and sloppy - sorry, rushing! I don't mind small inconsistencies too much myself (evidently), but I think most people you'd probably fit with might. Best of luck!
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:07 AM on March 1, 2016

It says I have to be logged in to view it--are you able to change that?
posted by masquesoporfavor at 10:40 AM on March 1, 2016

Response by poster: Done!
posted by TheLittlePrince at 10:47 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Then women I know who use OK Cupid consistently have one major gripe:

Men who lie about their height.

So avoid that one so you don't start out immediately caught in a lie.
posted by srboisvert at 10:52 AM on March 1, 2016

I like everything cotton dress sock suggested. I would also take out the thing about "bonus points". In general use I don't mind the phrase but with dating it sounds so yucky, like you get 5 pts for being skinny, 3 pts for being blonde, bonus points for also knowing poetry. I know you didn't explicitly state those things, I just thing changing the verbiage would help. Something like, "If you know what poem this is from, we'll probably have some favorite books in common!" or something?
posted by masquesoporfavor at 11:06 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

The lighting in the sunglass picture is really odd, at least on my screen. There's a yellow pool of sunlight that washes over your neck and the lower half of your face, creating this weird, salamandrine effect, especially in thumbnail view.

But the rest of the pictures are terrific! You actually seem to be quite photogenic, generally speaking-- so just lose that first one and lose it permanently.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:41 PM on March 1, 2016

You're way cuter IRL than in your pics, so I'd work on that!
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 1:20 PM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

You're open to a woman ten years younger but not one five years older. I know the culture says it's acceptable to have a range like that, but consider adjusting that window upward. You're a mature, serious person; if it's been a while since you've been out there, you might be surprised how young 26 year olds will seem to you, and I think women plus or minus five years of you will really like you, and you them.
posted by Kwine at 2:36 PM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks! that age range was something I overlooked changing back while testing quickmatch results.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 3:05 PM on March 1, 2016

I feel like the username thing is some coy trap. Like, "I'm smarter than you because I know this one poem that I was thinking of when I made this username and you don't!"

I think it would be better to tell someone that it's from a poem, which poem it's from and possibly why you picked it or why you liked the poem. Let it be an opportunity for them to learn something about you, instead of an opportunity for them to fail a test they never signed up to take.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:23 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yeah, the game around the profile name rubbed me a little wrong too-- and I'm someone who, once upon a time, used to read Prufrock before bed every single night.

I think it's because the-- for lack of a better word-- Twitterization of the phrase rendered it unrecognizable to me. The capitalization and abbreviation chopped up the cadence so that It didn't feel like Eliot anymore-- it felt like it might have been some half-remembered Cummings, or maybe Corso or something, and (until I looked it up) I felt slightly but distinctly rotten for not being able to recall its origin. (To me, Prufrock is best delivered in a crisp, quiet rush, like an urgent secret-- though, admittedly, Eliot himself did not perform the poem that way.)

But do bear in mind that I am a creaky old married creature, and I am becoming increasingly susceptible to finding irritation in such things. I'm willing to bet that most of the women you connect with will not be nearly so rigid about their Eliot, nor so prone to bouts of grumpiness over missed trivia questions.

And best of luck with all of this! You sound like a really interesting person, and I have no doubt that you'll get responses from plenty of smart, nifty ladies.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:29 PM on March 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

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