Addressing communication style
March 1, 2016 4:51 AM Subscribe
Bedside manner issue. My dentist is fantastic in every medical and practical sense, but he speaks to me like I'm a mentally challenged farm animal. How might I address this with him, and would it help?
He has that 'very slow, deep-pitched frowny voice' you'd use if you were doing like a really exaggerated parody of paternalistic condescension – but it's his real voice for patients. (He does have a naturally deep voice, but he otherwise speaks normally to the people in his office.) You can feel the "Whoa, Girl...." in his every word. I've never seen anything like this in a real life/non-parody situation.
He also really insists you engage with his joking because he thinks that's how to relax a patient if something painful is happening, even when they're clearly not responding and not in the mood. Last time, after several tries, he said (in an especially deep/frowny voice), "Awwww, c'mon, ya gotta laugh sometimes!" I hate that in this context – it's the opposite of relaxing or respectful.
I initially felt like I'd be cool with this, but it hasn't exactly gained in charm over time (I've been with him for a couple of years). And he's the only dentist in his office, so I'd have to leave his practice to leave him.
I don't want to leave his practice – I think he's an extremely talented dentist who never does dental work unnecesarily and really focuses on detail and quality when he does have to do work, and his office is fantastic in terms of billing and communication, the best I've ever experienced. Could I / should I approach this problem with him? If so, specifically how?
He has that 'very slow, deep-pitched frowny voice' you'd use if you were doing like a really exaggerated parody of paternalistic condescension – but it's his real voice for patients. (He does have a naturally deep voice, but he otherwise speaks normally to the people in his office.) You can feel the "Whoa, Girl...." in his every word. I've never seen anything like this in a real life/non-parody situation.
He also really insists you engage with his joking because he thinks that's how to relax a patient if something painful is happening, even when they're clearly not responding and not in the mood. Last time, after several tries, he said (in an especially deep/frowny voice), "Awwww, c'mon, ya gotta laugh sometimes!" I hate that in this context – it's the opposite of relaxing or respectful.
I initially felt like I'd be cool with this, but it hasn't exactly gained in charm over time (I've been with him for a couple of years). And he's the only dentist in his office, so I'd have to leave his practice to leave him.
I don't want to leave his practice – I think he's an extremely talented dentist who never does dental work unnecesarily and really focuses on detail and quality when he does have to do work, and his office is fantastic in terms of billing and communication, the best I've ever experienced. Could I / should I approach this problem with him? If so, specifically how?
He's probably used to talking this way to some of his patients (maybe actual kids) and it's hard for him to switch off. Maybe he thinks it's more friendly and accessible than the terse professional approach. I don't think he actually thinks you're an idiot.
I think this is one of those situations where you need to interact with an annoying person and you just have to deal. He's not trying to charm you, he's just being him. His communication style doesn't work for you but as long as he does communicate clearly (even though patronisingly) and he does a good job (which it sounds like he does) I think you have to just look at this as the cost of having a great dentist (a low cost if you ask me!) I mean, are you just seeing him for the requisite twice a year checkup? If so, I would let it go.
posted by like_neon at 5:11 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
I think this is one of those situations where you need to interact with an annoying person and you just have to deal. He's not trying to charm you, he's just being him. His communication style doesn't work for you but as long as he does communicate clearly (even though patronisingly) and he does a good job (which it sounds like he does) I think you have to just look at this as the cost of having a great dentist (a low cost if you ask me!) I mean, are you just seeing him for the requisite twice a year checkup? If so, I would let it go.
posted by like_neon at 5:11 AM on March 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
I agree this might be a personal tic -- I've had a dentist who drew me a picture to explain "how the antibiotic will kill any bacteria in the root canal area!" and shouted his working narrative down at me ("PRESSURE! A LITTLE PRESSURE NOW! PRESSURE UNTIL 5-4-3-2-1 PRESSURE DONE!"). My current dentist asks me questions about myself in the third person ("So she's having pain on the lower right side?). I thought he was talking to the hygienist and didn't answer at first.
The best way I've been able to deal with these things is to just laugh at it, whether privately or outright. And also remember I usually have a mouthful of instruments and can't respond anyway. But most of all, just laugh. This guy sounds so ridiculous. Can you look at each appointment as story/comedy fodder?
posted by pepper bird at 5:25 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
The best way I've been able to deal with these things is to just laugh at it, whether privately or outright. And also remember I usually have a mouthful of instruments and can't respond anyway. But most of all, just laugh. This guy sounds so ridiculous. Can you look at each appointment as story/comedy fodder?
posted by pepper bird at 5:25 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree it is probably a personal weirdness thing, and will be hard to change given that you see him only a couple of times a year. Even if you had a lengthy conversation about changing his bedside manner and he really listened and made an effort to change...it's hard to believe that he could possibly remember than 6 months from now at your next cleaning. I also think it could be a thing where he talks this way to kids, and kids are a substantial percentage of his practice, so it's hard to turn off. My mom is an elementary school teacher, and our family definitely laughs at her and calls her out on it when she slips into "teacher voice" when talking to the rest of us -- and although she is aware of it as a general problem, it's also impossible for her to keep from doing it on occasion because that is how she talks for several hours every single day. So again, even if this guy were committed to changing for you (which he probably won't be), it still might be difficult for him to change.
One thing that would probably color my perception of this if I were a patient would be if he did not use this voice with older and/or male patients, but did use it with younger female patients (me). If it were a universal "patient" voice, I would laugh it off and just ignore the issue; if it seemed to be a way he treated only younger women, I would probably be less able to get over it and find a new practice.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:33 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing that would probably color my perception of this if I were a patient would be if he did not use this voice with older and/or male patients, but did use it with younger female patients (me). If it were a universal "patient" voice, I would laugh it off and just ignore the issue; if it seemed to be a way he treated only younger women, I would probably be less able to get over it and find a new practice.
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:33 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Right, he doesn't use this voice with male patients (my husband is a patient) or joke with men and constantly insist they laugh/engage
and we're lucky to have a lot of excellent dentists in the area...
posted by kalapierson at 5:44 AM on March 1, 2016
and we're lucky to have a lot of excellent dentists in the area...
posted by kalapierson at 5:44 AM on March 1, 2016
If you don't mind the risk of needing to go to a different dentist, you might as well give it a last shot by asking him, all sincere and straightforward:
'Why do you talk so differently to me and to my husband?' (or whatever works for you)
Or possibly 'Do you think you could talk to me the same way you talk to my husband?'
Be prepared to explain what you mean, though. He might not know he's doing this at all.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:29 AM on March 1, 2016 [8 favorites]
'Why do you talk so differently to me and to my husband?' (or whatever works for you)
Or possibly 'Do you think you could talk to me the same way you talk to my husband?'
Be prepared to explain what you mean, though. He might not know he's doing this at all.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:29 AM on March 1, 2016 [8 favorites]
This would really annoy me. I have a short fuse for what I perceive to be men speaking to me like i'm dumb, and add that to the tension of someone poking around in my mouth with metal bits, and me being unable to properly diffuse the situation (lying on my back unable to really talk about it cause my mouth was wide open, and also not wanting to piss off the guy who is working in my mouth), I'd just have rage that was in excess of what the situation would reasonably call for.
I know your question was in line with how to deal with the situation rather than having to leave the practice, but i think it's unlikely that you can change him without really addressing it head on. Do you want to do tell him he talks to you like you're a child (even if you say it really really nicely) and then lie there for an hour while he tensely works on your mouth, either feeling defensive or ashamed about his behaviour, or both? This is not the level of engagement or conflict I personally would be willing to have with my dentist. With my friends or lovers, yes. Dentist, no.
You say you have a lot of excellent dentists around you. I actually recently asked my facebook friends for dental recommendations for people who LOVED their dentists and I got a whole list of people raving about how funny and talented and kind and expert their dentist was - mostly women dentists, I'm just sayin'. Maybe your friends have some talented people to recommend? The dental office can transfer your records over - they will call your present dentist and request the files, you don't even have to do anything.
It could be exciting? Sometimes there are people who treat us not great and we just have to deal with it (Customs and Immigrations Officers, that guy at the DMV, the bus driver) but this is one of those times where, having the luxury of choice, you really can have it all! I wish you stress free future dental experiences.
posted by andreapandrea at 6:50 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know your question was in line with how to deal with the situation rather than having to leave the practice, but i think it's unlikely that you can change him without really addressing it head on. Do you want to do tell him he talks to you like you're a child (even if you say it really really nicely) and then lie there for an hour while he tensely works on your mouth, either feeling defensive or ashamed about his behaviour, or both? This is not the level of engagement or conflict I personally would be willing to have with my dentist. With my friends or lovers, yes. Dentist, no.
You say you have a lot of excellent dentists around you. I actually recently asked my facebook friends for dental recommendations for people who LOVED their dentists and I got a whole list of people raving about how funny and talented and kind and expert their dentist was - mostly women dentists, I'm just sayin'. Maybe your friends have some talented people to recommend? The dental office can transfer your records over - they will call your present dentist and request the files, you don't even have to do anything.
It could be exciting? Sometimes there are people who treat us not great and we just have to deal with it (Customs and Immigrations Officers, that guy at the DMV, the bus driver) but this is one of those times where, having the luxury of choice, you really can have it all! I wish you stress free future dental experiences.
posted by andreapandrea at 6:50 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You've already "told" him you dislike it with your body language, expression and lack of enthusiastic response.
There really is no other way to tell one's dentist to talk differently. If he didn't "hear" this indirect complaint, it's unlikely he'll take in your direct complaint in the sensitive, ego-less way you obviously want him to.
If it bothers you so much that it makes your dental experience really unpleasant that is good enough reason to change practices.
posted by flourpot at 7:01 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
There really is no other way to tell one's dentist to talk differently. If he didn't "hear" this indirect complaint, it's unlikely he'll take in your direct complaint in the sensitive, ego-less way you obviously want him to.
If it bothers you so much that it makes your dental experience really unpleasant that is good enough reason to change practices.
posted by flourpot at 7:01 AM on March 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure this is going to be good advice, but this sounds like a situation where a bit of gentle mockery might be more effective than a direct callout. If he asks a question or makes a comment with what you perceive as exaggerated condescension, you could mirror that deep-pitched frowny voice right back at him in your response. It's almost sure to get his attention, and he'll either resent it or laugh at himself. How he reacts will tell you what you need to know.
posted by jon1270 at 7:25 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 7:25 AM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you switch dentists and your husband does not, your husband might be the one to get the question "Whatever happened to kalapierson?" He's going to have to say, "My wife felt uncomfortable with the tone that Dr. Weirdo used with her when she was his patient, and I did notice that he spoke to her very differently than he speaks to me. It was her choice, and I respect it."
That might give an office manager pause, but then again, the office manager might already know. I don't think your speaking up is likely going to change the way he operates. Even if he doesn't realize what he's doing, it's unlikely that he's going to change what's been working for him for such a long time, especially if he's objectively good at his core job duties.
posted by juniperesque at 7:41 AM on March 1, 2016
That might give an office manager pause, but then again, the office manager might already know. I don't think your speaking up is likely going to change the way he operates. Even if he doesn't realize what he's doing, it's unlikely that he's going to change what's been working for him for such a long time, especially if he's objectively good at his core job duties.
posted by juniperesque at 7:41 AM on March 1, 2016
Can you or your husband write an anonymous Yelp review pointing this out? If it's a pattern with women, maybe that will get his attention.
posted by Threeve at 7:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Threeve at 7:44 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
"You know, Doctor, when you talk to me in that condescending tone you seem to reserve exclusively for female patients, it makes me want to get a new dentist. What's going on when you decide to speak to me as if I'm some kind of farm animal instead of an intelligent human being?"
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:48 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:48 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had to leave an optometrist (who was clearly on the spectrum) even though he was good because he just never answered my questions or explain what things meant. He'd hum quietly to himself while examining me, and he'd tell me things directly, but trying to get any advice or information out of him was impossible. I found another practice closer to home with an optometrist that I love now.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:55 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by clone boulevard at 7:55 AM on March 1, 2016
You know, I've had to switch dentists three times in the last few years, and those were all dentists I really liked. I switched for other reasons like because I moved and because one didn't take my insurance. Turns out I've liked all of these dentists. None have made me uncomfortable or made me feel like they were having me go through unnecessary procedures to make a buck. So I don't think it's worth confronting the dentist about what you don't like about him. I say just try a different dentist.
posted by wondermouse at 8:32 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by wondermouse at 8:32 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's not going to help. If his tone really bothers you then just get a new dentist. There's no way that you're going to be able to educate him and get him to change his speech patterns and unconscious gender biases this late in the day.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:38 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:38 AM on March 1, 2016
I would either flip it back at him "nope not gonna laugh" in a playful bossy tone and make it a game of wills (this works fabulously with an uncle of mine who irritates everyone else - I riff him as hard as he riffs me and he loves me for it) or my other tactic with mansplaining is one firm, snotty "duh, yeah, I know" and an "I'm not stupid look" which puts them in their place. I was getting mansplained by a guy in my industry who yes has 20 years more experience than me but one snotty/derisive "I know that" and I was suddenly his equal.
But if there's good dentists aplenty then you don't need our permish to leave.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:12 AM on March 1, 2016
But if there's good dentists aplenty then you don't need our permish to leave.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:12 AM on March 1, 2016
Coming at this from a different angle, I'm on my 3rd student dentist down at the ol' dental school, and while I'm not following them throughout their careers, they have each been consistent enough in their approaches and patient-facing personalities for me to conclude that bedside manner is pretty baked-in by the time they pass their boards. I don't know that any pushback would have an effect.
posted by rhizome at 9:51 AM on March 1, 2016
posted by rhizome at 9:51 AM on March 1, 2016
How does your dentist interact with his staff, who are likely all women? Is he condescending to them, or does he treat them as essential parts of a working team? I have been in the field for a long time, and while I don't have anywhere near this kind of poor chairside manner, i do know that I don't click with every patient in our practice. Some of those patients, however, do click with my staff. I rely on my staff to read my patients, and some patients communicate to me through the staff better than directly to me. If he values his staff, likely he values their help with reading the practice's patients.
See if there is someone on the staff that you have a rapport with that you might speak with. Perhaps if he's clued in that he hasn't read you correctly and that you appreciate his skill but don't love his "sense of humor" he will handle you better.
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2016
See if there is someone on the staff that you have a rapport with that you might speak with. Perhaps if he's clued in that he hasn't read you correctly and that you appreciate his skill but don't love his "sense of humor" he will handle you better.
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2016
He has that 'very slow, deep-pitched frowny voice' you'd use if you were doing like a really exaggerated parody of paternalistic condescension – but it's his real voice for patients. (He does have a naturally deep voice, but he otherwise speaks normally to the people in his office.) You can feel the "Whoa, Girl...." in his every word. I've never seen anything like this in a real life/non-parody situation.
He also really insists you engage with his joking ....
I'm late to the party, sorry. I'm not getting a clear picture of what the dentist says to you. E.g., I don't know what "Whoa, girl ..." implies to you. (That sounds to me more like a warning.) And although you mention joking, I don't see anything in your post that seems to describe him attempting a joke.
So, although you have received several good replies, maybe you'll get more pertinent replies with more details.
In general, a good reply to an impertinent remark would be a calm, serious "I don't understand. What do you mean by that?" Or maybe, "Hmm, that doesn't seem to apply to me. Did I indicate that I ...."
By analogy, my local bus driver acts like an enthusiastic puppy with everyone who boards the bus: "Hello!!! How are you!!!" Idiotic laughing about comments on the weather. Looking at me like "I LOVE you! How wonderful that we are together today!!!" I found it unbearable. Finally I compromised on a quiet hello when I arrive, and a thank you when I leave. She got the point.
Engage with the dentist more actively, and through that engagement actively show him the kind of talk you want to hear from him.
posted by JimN2TAW at 11:15 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
He also really insists you engage with his joking ....
I'm late to the party, sorry. I'm not getting a clear picture of what the dentist says to you. E.g., I don't know what "Whoa, girl ..." implies to you. (That sounds to me more like a warning.) And although you mention joking, I don't see anything in your post that seems to describe him attempting a joke.
So, although you have received several good replies, maybe you'll get more pertinent replies with more details.
In general, a good reply to an impertinent remark would be a calm, serious "I don't understand. What do you mean by that?" Or maybe, "Hmm, that doesn't seem to apply to me. Did I indicate that I ...."
By analogy, my local bus driver acts like an enthusiastic puppy with everyone who boards the bus: "Hello!!! How are you!!!" Idiotic laughing about comments on the weather. Looking at me like "I LOVE you! How wonderful that we are together today!!!" I found it unbearable. Finally I compromised on a quiet hello when I arrive, and a thank you when I leave. She got the point.
Engage with the dentist more actively, and through that engagement actively show him the kind of talk you want to hear from him.
posted by JimN2TAW at 11:15 AM on March 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you're going to switch dentists anyway (which your best answers seem to indicate), can you confront him before you do just to see what happens? I am curious. Personally I'd phrase it like "Have you noticed are you aware that you are using a different tone with women? It is condescending and you're probably not doing yourself any favours. I suggest you pay attention and change this." Or something to that effect.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:45 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:45 PM on March 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is why I only go to female doctors, dentists, etc. (when I have that option). I agree with the other posters - if it bothers you, it's probably best to just vote with your feet. You can also write a letter afterward if it makes you feel better, but don't expect him to change.
posted by acridrabbit at 12:33 PM on March 2, 2016
posted by acridrabbit at 12:33 PM on March 2, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DingoMutt at 4:55 AM on March 1, 2016 [6 favorites]