What do you write in an OKC profile meant for casual sex?
February 26, 2016 6:38 PM   Subscribe

I made an OKCupid profile to find NSA sex partners, but I'm having trouble thinking what to write in it. (I'm a man looking for women partners.) I have another profile I use for actual dating that has lots of info about me, but talking about my favorite reads, life aspirations or whatever doesn't seem relevant for this purpose. Say you're a woman browsing OKC for sex partners, what do you actually want to know about the person? And conversely, what kind of things would be off-putting or a turnoff?
posted by zeri to Human Relations (22 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Are you safe? Are you respectful to casual sex partners? Are you a good communicator? Do you like women, in general? Why are you seeking casual sex? Are you positive and secure?

Those are questions I would want to see answered by a profile, either explicitly or by demonstration.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 7:09 PM on February 26, 2016 [6 favorites]


Why can't you just use your regular profile and add "casual sex" to what you are looking for? If I were a lady looking for either casual sex or a long term partner I would most appreciate honesty.
posted by pintapicasso at 7:14 PM on February 26, 2016 [15 favorites]


I would not do this. It just screams cheater to anyone who notices both. Include it in your main profile.
posted by politikitty at 7:35 PM on February 26, 2016 [15 favorites]


The existence of two profiles on a single site (seriously this is literally what tindr is for) would be the biggest casual sex turnoff imaginable; this is a really bad dating strategy. Like, are you separating the women you sleep with into NSA casual sex partners you don't respect vs long term prospects you want to know about as people? Gross. Like politikitty, I would assume this came from a cheating or otherwise duplicitous mentality. My reaction to finding one casual sex and one serious profile would be LMAO THIS SCUMBAG DOESN'T REALIZE THESE ARE BOTH PUBLIC, BYE and to share both profiles around with friends to laugh at and warn them about. "LMAO THIS SCUMBAG" is probably not an accurate reflection of who you are, and definitely not the vibe you want to give off. Seriously, don't do this.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 7:55 PM on February 26, 2016 [31 favorites]


Yeah, I'd suggest either adding it to your main profile or creating an account somewhere else (eg. Tinder) for the casual sex. But I'd really strongly suggest putting it on your main one for full disclosure to the people you are looking to date.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:57 PM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am a woman who used OKCupid for years, almost exclusively to find NSA sex partners. I still had a profile that was about the real me. I only responded to people who had profiles that seemed like they were real people with likes and dislikes and all of that. If I saw that someone had 2 profiles where they were looking for different things I would think:

a)cheater
b)scumbag MRA dude doing some weird kind of experiment
c)too scared to be honest about looking for casual sex which for me is a huge turn off
posted by primalux at 7:59 PM on February 26, 2016 [8 favorites]


To expand on that last bit a little more: I would think that since I couldn't trust you to be honest about who you are and what you're looking for, I couldn't trust you regarding anything else including claims to be respectful both of my boundaries and women in general, discrete (in terms of not bragging online or posting revenge porn or something), STD free, etc
posted by primalux at 8:03 PM on February 26, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'd advise deleting the NSA-only profile. Seeing two profiles for the same guy on one dating service is a red flag -- if he's got one thoughtfully filled out profile with lots of info about who he is as a person to attract the kind of woman he thinks is worth dating, but has a different profile with none of that information to attract women for NSA sex, it sends weird and confusing messages. A madonna/whore vibe.

There's that option on your profile to indicate that you're up for casual sex as well as long/short term dating, so do that on your actual dating profile.
posted by palomar at 8:34 PM on February 26, 2016 [4 favorites]


I've seen women post NSA ads on OKCupid that mention that they have another profile. It's hard to explain that you want sex but are also looking for a relationship, and different profiles help separate respondents and their expectations. It seems like a mature way to deal with it.
posted by rhizome at 8:45 PM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]


Over-information, like in your main profile, is fine. It helps me know whether I have anything in common with someone, which makes meeting up more pleasant sounding than if we don't. The sorts of things people write ideally will also give me a sense of whether they seem feminist, safe, etc.

I like to know what neighborhood someone lives in, whether they have their own place to host, etc. but while it would be more convenient for me if this was stated upfront, it's fine to discuss that via messaging!
posted by metasarah at 8:46 PM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]


Huh, I really didn't see all the "you shouldn't do this" responses coming. I'm taking them seriously, and I've actually now added "casual sex" to my main profile. FWIW, I haven't put up a recognizable photo on the new profile. (I have students who are on OKC.) More importantly, I'm not trying to deceive anyone: it's just that, as rhizome said, I'm basically looking for two potentially different kinds of people -- some things that are important in a long-term partner are less important in a casual partner and vice versa -- and it makes sense to me to have two different profiles for those purposes. I don't have less respect for one category than the other, and I'm not lying to anyone in either.

Specific "here's what I'd want to know" answers like ifdssn9's and metasarah's are super helpful to me, and I'd like more of those, please.
posted by zeri at 9:41 PM on February 26, 2016 [3 favorites]


In addition to what everyone else said, I'd want to know if you had a sense of humor. Sex can be awkward and ridiculous sometimes, and I'd like to know that if it's not a good fit, we'd both just laugh it off and move on. I hate partners that obsess on their (or my) performance.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:52 PM on February 26, 2016 [3 favorites]


What you bring to a potentially great sexual encounter in a non sleazy way. Eg I've read great ones that humorously declared a joy in thick pubic hair and muff diving passions, a love of the Rubén-esque etc. I'm not sure If I saw these on OKC though, as much as elsewhere.

Don't have a big difference in age-seeking between yourself and potential partners - ie you're 45 and looking for 20-30 - that is a turn off. Ditto, asking for only hot chicks to respond.

That you're well groomed but not a narcissist.

That you're safe and respectful.

That you think sexual enjoyment is for a priority both/all the people playing.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:13 PM on February 26, 2016


Unrelated tip: if you won't put up recognizable photos, put some up at a separate link that you can message to people. OKC and Tinder don't allow photos to be sent through their messaging systems, so when I ask for more useful photos, men ask me for a phone number or e-mail address, and I don't want to give them out to people I don't know (or manage anonymous addresses). It is super annoying when they're not competent enough to direct me to a link instead when I ask for one, and I give up on those people.
posted by metasarah at 4:50 AM on February 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm memailing you a link to a profile that accomplishes this beautifully. (I'm a woman, and it worked on me.)

For what it's worth, it does basically the opposite of everything you're describing: it includes a lot of photos, and a ton of personal information. These are the kinds of things that, on a profile, earn trust. As a woman, if I'm meeting up with a guy with the express purpose of having sex, it's crucial for me to have a good sense of who he is, because the stakes are much higher.

Think about it. There's a lot less leeway going into it than there is if I'm just planning to have a cup of coffee with someone and see where it goes. I can take a risk that a guy I'm just meeting for coffee in a public place might be a murderer, or have a secret girlfriend, or be a raging misogynist; I can't take that risk if within an hour or so we're going to a private place to have sex. I've met up with people for NSA sex a handful of times in my life, and every time I asked for way more personal information (Facebook, Instagram, direct contact info as opposed to dating site contact, heck - first & last name) than I did for random dates.

It sounds to me like you're thinking of it like this: I have lower standards for the people I'd have NSA sex with than people I'd date, so I ought to have a different profile that let's people know that! Whereas for me, the opposite holds true: my standards for someone who I'm going to have casual sex with are much, much higher. I'll meet for coffee with anyone who seems basically interesting; I meet for sex only with people who are not only very physically attractive (I'd never in a million years reach out to someone who didn't have photos) but who signal in all those subtle class-based ways - including having good grammar and good taste in books - that they're likely to see casual sex in the same way I do, and to be respectful, communicative, open, pro-choice, knowledgeable about safe sex, etc.

The only difference (if there is one) between your NSA sex profile and your dating one, if you must have two profiles, is that your sex one should state explicitly that you're looking for casual sex, and what your definition of 'casual' is (i.e., are you looking for a one night stand or a regular friend-with benefits, etc.) That's it.

Good luck!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:59 AM on February 27, 2016 [26 favorites]


As a lady on OKC who is open to casual sex, I categorically ignore all guys with nothing in their profiles/no questions answered. Maybe I'm an outlier, but I still want to like/have something to talk about with guys I'm just having casual sex with because something has to precede proceedings. Like pretentious illiterate says, the standards are higher in NSA situations and for women, the DANGER is higher so it helps to feel like I can get a sense of the person from their profile.
posted by smirkette at 8:28 AM on February 27, 2016


I have another profile I use for actual dating that has lots of info about me, but talking about my favorite reads, life aspirations or whatever doesn't seem relevant for this purpose.

Why not? I (still) don't properly use OKC (I've done the quizzes, and browse biannually), but when I've gotten together with someone the old-fashioned way, there was still real conversation about actual stuff. It's that minimal connection that would lead me to feel that I could trust and get along with that person, even for a very short while. You might not care who you sleep with, but I think most women still probably do. I would not want to sleep with someone who was a solid "enemy", for example, or who only talked about sex preferences (that would have the opposite effect to the one intended). The whole thing should be friendly and pleasant, imo, and it's easier for that to happen when you've got things in common.

FWIW, I haven't put up a recognizable photo on the new profile. (I have students who are on OKC.)

I'm sure I wouldn't set out to sleep with someone whose face I couldn't see. (I've been matched to a prof, OKC is definitely awkward for that, but most students won't want to go there. Manage your boundaries and you'll be fine. Is it good for your career to have students see you're interested in casual sex? Not sure anyone's got a right to comment.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:33 AM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


It sounds to me like you're thinking of it like this: I have lower standards for the people I'd have NSA sex with than people I'd date, so I ought to have a different profile that let's people know that! Whereas for me, the opposite holds true: my standards for someone who I'm going to have casual sex with are much, much higher. I'll meet for coffee with anyone who seems basically interesting; I meet for sex only with people who are not only very physically attractive (I'd never in a million years reach out to someone who didn't have photos) but who signal in all those subtle class-based ways - including having good grammar and good taste in books - that they're likely to see casual sex in the same way I do, and to be respectful, communicative, open, pro-choice, knowledgeable about safe sex, etc.

This. I mean, women who want to have casual sex are people too. And even though putting your favorite books may not be relevant to you, that doesn't mean it isn't for her. You thinking that women who are open to hookups don't need your more personal, non-sex-related info communicates to me (a woman) everything I know about how you view these women (i.e. not very highly). I mean, why the fuck wouldn't a woman who is interested in NSA sex want to know the details of who you are as a person? What you're doing seems like the worst kind of objectifying, as in treating women that you want to have sex with as objects, who are one-dimensional and don't have any kind of depth or inner lives beyond WANTING SEX*. And believe it or not, women can see this kind of thing a mile away. I think you really need to re-examine your own unconscious bias around how you view women if you want to be successful at this. This thread might help.

*and also, the reason that women have separate profiles looking for hookups and LTRs? Because if a woman who is open to both LTRs and/or hookups (surprise! they exist!) puts that all in one profile, she'll be bombarded with hundreds of graphic and sexually explicit messages from men who want to know if they can meet up for sex RIGHT NOW and zero from men who are interested in regular dating. Mostly because so many men do what you do and don't take women who enjoy sex seriously as partners or people. So women HAVE to separate these two parts of themselves, unless she never wants a man to take her seriously as anything more than a sex robot ever again. See palomar's above comment on the madonna/whore complex.
posted by triggerfinger at 11:06 AM on February 27, 2016 [11 favorites]


I have no idea why different standards = lower standards. He might be willing to have casual sex with women who have partners but who are in an open relationship, for example, but not be interested in dating them seriously. He might be willing to have casual sex with someone who only fulfills one of his kinks, but not all of them. He might be willing to have casual sex with women who are visiting the city, but don't live here. He might be willing to have casual sex with women who specifically are seeking out casual sex, but not women who are only having casual sex as a compromise option. He might be willing to have casual sex with a woman who wants children, but not be in a relationship with a woman who wants children.

I would find it much more potentially fraught and potentially hurtful to make people look at each other's "I want a relationship" profile and then determine that they don't want relationships with each other. I am a big fan of direct communication instead of this kind of "go on a date and then decide you don't like each other but sleep together anyway because why not, and you're both open to casual sex, but then the other person catches feelings what do to" type thing.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:33 PM on February 27, 2016


Also I personally do not give a fuck what books a guy reads if I want to have only casual sex with him. For one, it's classist to assume that a guy who reads the books I read is less likely to be an asshole. For two, we're not reading books. I--and I think a lot of people--view casual sex relationships as being very instrumental, and based primarily on having sex. And I would not want to have casual sex with someone who has the idea that we are going to be reading books or talking about books or doing anything but being like "hi, safe person, are we fucking? yes? ok."

Would them listing the books they like be a turnoff? No, probably not, unless I suspected they were going to do this thing guys do where they make emotional-labor demands of you like you're a girlfriend but refuse to commit to you because "causal sex!!!"

Anyway, what all this sturm und drang is maybe saying is that OKCupid might not be such a great way to find casual sex and that perhaps you should sort even harder, and go on something like adult friend finder. IDK.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:39 PM on February 27, 2016


(Also, ambiguity about intentions can easily turn into a situation where someone has casual sex with someone in the hopes that they'll "graduate" to being a relationship prospect. I find that to be a really unhealthy dynamic, and it really should be avoided. Not in the least because of the attitude of many women, as displayed here, that casual sex is "lesser" than a relationship and/or inherently demeaning unless the woman is free to opt-in to a relationship.)
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:45 PM on February 27, 2016


Related to what ifds said: as a woman who is looking for both a serious relationship and casual partners, I use OkCupid for the former and Tinder for the latter. What's more effective for you will depend on your location, your attributes, and what you're into. On Tinder, writing something grammatically correct in your profile, ideally something that's easy to respond to, will increase your odds; as will writing more than "hey" in a first message. (And if you don't include clear photos, mention right in your profile that you'll share them, and possibly send them as a link in your first message.)
posted by metasarah at 4:51 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


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