How to not work
February 19, 2016 4:48 PM Subscribe
I realized recently that everything I do turns into work. Accomplishments are great and all but I need to learn how to NOT work and enjoy my life. So.. uh.. how do I do that?
I've noticed that my hobbies have slowly become more serious as I try to progress to the next level. I started dating again as a lark, but now dating isn't fun, it's a stressful chore I have to devote a certain amount of time to, worry about hurt feelings and being hurt, etc. I sometimes feel like even my social life becomes this sort of pass/fail thing where I have to keep "working at it" and trying to plan something once a week to stay busy, to improve my "social skills" and so on.
I find this a pretty frustrating trend in my life, although it obviously serves me well in some ways. I guess I'm looking less for aphorisms or inspiration and more for concrete practices to break out of the focused/productive mindset from time to time without becoming a full-time couch potato. Did you previously have this problem but got over it? If so, what did you change? I feel kind of stupid asking "what helps you relax".. but really, what helps you relax? How can I just have fun and be a fun person to be around? I don't want to spend every waking moment of my life trying to get better at some skill.
I've noticed that my hobbies have slowly become more serious as I try to progress to the next level. I started dating again as a lark, but now dating isn't fun, it's a stressful chore I have to devote a certain amount of time to, worry about hurt feelings and being hurt, etc. I sometimes feel like even my social life becomes this sort of pass/fail thing where I have to keep "working at it" and trying to plan something once a week to stay busy, to improve my "social skills" and so on.
I find this a pretty frustrating trend in my life, although it obviously serves me well in some ways. I guess I'm looking less for aphorisms or inspiration and more for concrete practices to break out of the focused/productive mindset from time to time without becoming a full-time couch potato. Did you previously have this problem but got over it? If so, what did you change? I feel kind of stupid asking "what helps you relax".. but really, what helps you relax? How can I just have fun and be a fun person to be around? I don't want to spend every waking moment of my life trying to get better at some skill.
I think you are either a really determined and focused person or are being driven by anxiety. Though you said you don't want to become a couch potato - I'd actually recommend giving it a try. At least for a couple of hours a week. It may help chill you out.
posted by Toddles at 5:44 PM on February 19, 2016
posted by Toddles at 5:44 PM on February 19, 2016
Do stuff you are really bad at and practise enjoying it anyway.
posted by lollusc at 5:52 PM on February 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 5:52 PM on February 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Are you anxious because you don't enjoy this approach, or because you feel as though you shouldn't?
I ask because I'm the same way, and it took me years to realise that achievements make me happy. Even small meaningless achievements. So I structure my life to game-ify most things and try not to take it too seriously.
If you genuinely don't enjoy it, consider if this is some kind of expression of extreme anxiety control. Have you spoken to a doctor if it has reached the level of compulsion?
posted by frumiousb at 5:55 PM on February 19, 2016
I ask because I'm the same way, and it took me years to realise that achievements make me happy. Even small meaningless achievements. So I structure my life to game-ify most things and try not to take it too seriously.
If you genuinely don't enjoy it, consider if this is some kind of expression of extreme anxiety control. Have you spoken to a doctor if it has reached the level of compulsion?
posted by frumiousb at 5:55 PM on February 19, 2016
Maybe concentrate on friendships and building existing friendships instead. Dating can be exhausting, so I think that's normal enough. Good friendships can recharge you.
posted by discopolo at 6:13 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 6:13 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I might try deliberately doing some of your hobbies in a half-assed, silly way. You can also try deliberately noting how much enjoyment or fulfillment you expect to get from that, and comparing that to how much you actually got afterwards. (Is any of this about being seen by others as incompetent? If that's the case you might consider deliberately being mediocre in public -- like, doing karaoke or an open-mic night even if you're not a great singer, or displaying some artwork you made even if you're not a very good painter, or intentionally going out for a social event without being up to your usual standards of being put-together, etc.)
Also, if you're worried about turning into a total potato, you could try explicitly scheduling "off-leash" time where you are free to be as profligate with time as you want. You could experiment with having more or less of it every week, until you find a balance that you are comfortable with. This might be a way to use your tendencies to optimize in a productive way.
posted by en forme de poire at 6:17 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, if you're worried about turning into a total potato, you could try explicitly scheduling "off-leash" time where you are free to be as profligate with time as you want. You could experiment with having more or less of it every week, until you find a balance that you are comfortable with. This might be a way to use your tendencies to optimize in a productive way.
posted by en forme de poire at 6:17 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Uh, dude.
Have you, by any chance, tried weed? It's a no-brainer here; there's no better way to take a type-A personality and convert it temporarily to a type-A-minus, for an evening.
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 7:17 PM on February 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Have you, by any chance, tried weed? It's a no-brainer here; there's no better way to take a type-A personality and convert it temporarily to a type-A-minus, for an evening.
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 7:17 PM on February 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
I had to check your profile to see if I dated you recently. (Assuming your location is correct, I didn't).
Have you tried mindfulness meditation?
posted by bunderful at 7:21 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you tried mindfulness meditation?
posted by bunderful at 7:21 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Nature is helpful for me because nature doesn't give a shit about you. So I would sometimes just be all "You have to be outside for an hour, I don't give a shot what you do. Leave your phone at home" and then go outside. I'd see things, I'd experience things, I'd smell things and I'd come back in feeling better even if I had done NOTHING of any real consequence while I was out there. If it helps to have a "goal" you can time yourself or something but the trick for me was to try to get rid of the metanarrative "Oh I should totally send a picture of this to this person" "Oh I should add that bird to my bird list" and just experience what nature was giving me, not trying to craft it into any other narrative other than what it was giving to me. Nature doesn't care about you and that's what makes it relaxing (for me) to be aroiund. One hour. Outside. Leave your phone at home.
posted by jessamyn at 7:28 PM on February 19, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 7:28 PM on February 19, 2016 [16 favorites]
Maybe it's a sign you need to do fewer things and just lean into work or some other sphere where it's okay to be super achievement-focused? Work's a safe place to drill down and be goal-oriented like that. Right now, you need to rack up some gold stars, and the truth of that is that for some people, needing that is fundamentally incompatible with being a fun person and all that jazz. Once you've gotten the wins you need to feel a bit more secure, then you can start dealing with the rest of your life again. Despite the BS we're often fed, you don't need to be well-rounded all the time, and that's okay.
posted by blerghamot at 8:12 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by blerghamot at 8:12 PM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I found that in high school I had this problem and I solved it by picking one activity that I was just going to be dead shitty at. For me it was Girl Scouts. I was a mediocre Girl Scout by every measure. I never ran for a position in my troop, skipped most of the events my troop did, sold like 4 boxes of cookies most years. At one point probably five years after I graduated, I ran into my troop leader and she didn't remember me, and I realized that the way to remind her who I was would have been, "Hey, remember me? Our troop had to have a Serious Talk because Emily Jacobs and I were making jokes about suicide after campfire once and it made some other girls uncomfortable?"
I took real delight in being a Terrible Girl Scout. I didn't really set out to do it at first but I gradually realized Girl Scouting wasn't that important to me but I was having a great time being a Terrible Girl Scout and ended up sticking with it to the end of high school. In every other activity I was involved in, I was a huge overachiever.
I guess there isn't really anything like Girl Scouts for adults, but you could be, like, a Terrible Bowler or a Terrible Trivia Night Person or a Terrible Painter or something. There's a lot of scope for creativity and blowing off steam when you set out to be just persistently rotten at a thing.
posted by town of cats at 11:12 PM on February 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
I took real delight in being a Terrible Girl Scout. I didn't really set out to do it at first but I gradually realized Girl Scouting wasn't that important to me but I was having a great time being a Terrible Girl Scout and ended up sticking with it to the end of high school. In every other activity I was involved in, I was a huge overachiever.
I guess there isn't really anything like Girl Scouts for adults, but you could be, like, a Terrible Bowler or a Terrible Trivia Night Person or a Terrible Painter or something. There's a lot of scope for creativity and blowing off steam when you set out to be just persistently rotten at a thing.
posted by town of cats at 11:12 PM on February 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yes, get into Nature. Put on some walking shoes, take some bird seed, and go for a mooch. While you're out there, see how many trees you can identify and which birds turn up to the feed you're putting down. I had a robin try to get into the tub of bird food last week, while I was trying to feed everything else.
There's no electricity, no flashing lights, no notifications. It's just you and the wind and the leaves and the fungi and you can't control any of it. It's wonderfully freeing and in my experience, turns on a very cave-person part of the brain.
Alternatively, develop the skill of relaxing and letting go and getting off the treadmill. If your brain really won't rest unless you give it something to fight for, judo move it onto itself.
posted by Solomon at 3:04 AM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
There's no electricity, no flashing lights, no notifications. It's just you and the wind and the leaves and the fungi and you can't control any of it. It's wonderfully freeing and in my experience, turns on a very cave-person part of the brain.
Alternatively, develop the skill of relaxing and letting go and getting off the treadmill. If your brain really won't rest unless you give it something to fight for, judo move it onto itself.
posted by Solomon at 3:04 AM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I read an interesting article last week about the difference between "high performers" and "hard workers". It had generalisations such as, "hard workers give 110% all the time, and high performers know when to give 100%" and "hard workers try their best in everything they do, and high performers know when performance matters and when it doesn't". At the end, it was basically the difference between performance and perfectionism.
It inspired thinking about performance and mastery. What your question brings to mind is what I call "the diffusion of mastery" – basically when a person 1) tends toward hard work / high performance, and 2) doesn't have a single area in which they feel mastery. At that point, the tenancy can be a goal to master everything, which can be both perfectionist and exhausting.
Going back to Maslow and the the hierarchy of needs, Maslow's career orientation revolved around feeling mastery of a subject, and continued growth within that realm. It didn't matter whether that subject was broad or narrow, so long as a person had mastery of a domain, felt empowered to contribute to that domain, and was summarily rewarded in a way aligned with the lower needs – food, shelter, sex, etc.
If you say that everything tends from "play" to "work", I would ask what is work? For you are focusing on the perceived input, which is lack of play, but I would focus on the input, which is the boundaries of "work".
Colleagues that I see with a healthy work-life balance also have specific views of what success is within the domain of work. Specifically, the high-flying corporate sales people seem to have it the most balanced, for they have monthly targets for their work. They are either on target or off target, but they have continuous real-time feedback for their work performance. Those are the same guys that leave work at work, and go on to enjoy the rest of their lives.
For many of us, there aren't always clean targets in work anymore. As the nature of work is changing, the boundaries and definitions are changing. As those boundaries become more ambiguous and the line between "work" and "not work" blurs, perhaps so does the ability for us to discriminate where "work-level effort" is required and not required.
The point of play is not necessarily to master something, but to simply enjoy the mechanical and psychological experience of doing something. Dating, for example, comes in a few flavours. One is the enjoyment of the process – of meeting people – without anchoring to a specific outcome, be that a sex partner, a relationship, a marriage, etc. The other is an outcome-specific orientation, where the process is only in service to the result. In the former, success is simply engaging in the activity. In the later, success is measured by achievement of the target goal.
Similarly, in sport, it is possible to play sport for the sole goal of playing sport. It's a nuanced proposition, for sport involves scores, but that doesn't mean the scores have to drive performance. If you play basketball each week with buddies, you can either play to win and have an amateur basketball career. In that case, the score will drive your play, performance, and likely additional practice. Or you can use the score to find the appropriate level of people to play with.
Consider that you will play basketball 3 hours a week – 1 hour x 3 days. Then consider in that time you will get a score between you and the other team. A score that's continuously lopsided one way or the other means that there's a performance differential between the teams. In that case, you can either practice more to get better – in which case you will begin spending MORE than 3 hours a week playing. Or you can rotate teams until you find a game that you enjoy spending 3 hours playing a week.
Perfectionism has a few different expressions. One is "I want to excel at this one thing" whether that's basketball, ice skating, corporate sales, etc. That kind of perfectionism may be healthy so long as it provides results commensurate with effort.
Another kind is "I want to excel" which is undefined and diffused. In that sense, there's no specific target of what to excel at, and no specific measurable target or return. That can be the more neurotic perfectionism that results in anxiety and depression, for it's a losing battle – you can't be good at everything after all.
Thus, overall, when I see those tendencies of effort/perfectionism in a diffused way, it makes me wonder what isn't being mastered – if there's the lack of a central goal. Because when you have a central goal, the rest can be play. Without a central goal, your drive to expend effort and produce mastery will hunt of a home – and continuously turn work into play.
The way you know it feels right is when you can meet someone and enjoy their company just for the sake of enjoying their company. The way to get there is to have something else in life where there's a defined starting point and ending point, either every hour/day/week/month/etc. When you have mastery in one area of life, you are free to play in the others. Without a focus on mastery in one area of life, you may try to be good at everything – which is exhausting, and ultimately unproductive.
posted by nickrussell at 4:06 AM on February 20, 2016 [15 favorites]
It inspired thinking about performance and mastery. What your question brings to mind is what I call "the diffusion of mastery" – basically when a person 1) tends toward hard work / high performance, and 2) doesn't have a single area in which they feel mastery. At that point, the tenancy can be a goal to master everything, which can be both perfectionist and exhausting.
Going back to Maslow and the the hierarchy of needs, Maslow's career orientation revolved around feeling mastery of a subject, and continued growth within that realm. It didn't matter whether that subject was broad or narrow, so long as a person had mastery of a domain, felt empowered to contribute to that domain, and was summarily rewarded in a way aligned with the lower needs – food, shelter, sex, etc.
If you say that everything tends from "play" to "work", I would ask what is work? For you are focusing on the perceived input, which is lack of play, but I would focus on the input, which is the boundaries of "work".
Colleagues that I see with a healthy work-life balance also have specific views of what success is within the domain of work. Specifically, the high-flying corporate sales people seem to have it the most balanced, for they have monthly targets for their work. They are either on target or off target, but they have continuous real-time feedback for their work performance. Those are the same guys that leave work at work, and go on to enjoy the rest of their lives.
For many of us, there aren't always clean targets in work anymore. As the nature of work is changing, the boundaries and definitions are changing. As those boundaries become more ambiguous and the line between "work" and "not work" blurs, perhaps so does the ability for us to discriminate where "work-level effort" is required and not required.
The point of play is not necessarily to master something, but to simply enjoy the mechanical and psychological experience of doing something. Dating, for example, comes in a few flavours. One is the enjoyment of the process – of meeting people – without anchoring to a specific outcome, be that a sex partner, a relationship, a marriage, etc. The other is an outcome-specific orientation, where the process is only in service to the result. In the former, success is simply engaging in the activity. In the later, success is measured by achievement of the target goal.
Similarly, in sport, it is possible to play sport for the sole goal of playing sport. It's a nuanced proposition, for sport involves scores, but that doesn't mean the scores have to drive performance. If you play basketball each week with buddies, you can either play to win and have an amateur basketball career. In that case, the score will drive your play, performance, and likely additional practice. Or you can use the score to find the appropriate level of people to play with.
Consider that you will play basketball 3 hours a week – 1 hour x 3 days. Then consider in that time you will get a score between you and the other team. A score that's continuously lopsided one way or the other means that there's a performance differential between the teams. In that case, you can either practice more to get better – in which case you will begin spending MORE than 3 hours a week playing. Or you can rotate teams until you find a game that you enjoy spending 3 hours playing a week.
Perfectionism has a few different expressions. One is "I want to excel at this one thing" whether that's basketball, ice skating, corporate sales, etc. That kind of perfectionism may be healthy so long as it provides results commensurate with effort.
Another kind is "I want to excel" which is undefined and diffused. In that sense, there's no specific target of what to excel at, and no specific measurable target or return. That can be the more neurotic perfectionism that results in anxiety and depression, for it's a losing battle – you can't be good at everything after all.
Thus, overall, when I see those tendencies of effort/perfectionism in a diffused way, it makes me wonder what isn't being mastered – if there's the lack of a central goal. Because when you have a central goal, the rest can be play. Without a central goal, your drive to expend effort and produce mastery will hunt of a home – and continuously turn work into play.
The way you know it feels right is when you can meet someone and enjoy their company just for the sake of enjoying their company. The way to get there is to have something else in life where there's a defined starting point and ending point, either every hour/day/week/month/etc. When you have mastery in one area of life, you are free to play in the others. Without a focus on mastery in one area of life, you may try to be good at everything – which is exhausting, and ultimately unproductive.
posted by nickrussell at 4:06 AM on February 20, 2016 [15 favorites]
Best answer: You are probably "shoulding" yourself all the time "e.g. I should go on a date this week (even though I don't really want to)", "I should call a friend up (even though I'm entitled to take it easy and let them reach out to me sometimes)" and it's reducing your ability to enjoy the present moment because you're always trying to reach some future state where all of your "shoulds" have been accomplished (except that day will never come).
I do this too and have come to recognize it's more driven for me by anxiety (trying to reach a state where I feel like I'm worthy, where everything is taken care of and ok) than a true desire to achieve because I'm pursuing mastery/enjoyment (which is also a motivation of mine but not the primary one). I've spent time recognizing what "shoulds" I'm telling myself and questioning whether it's true. I have very high expectations for myself that I would never expect someone else to meet, like in a weekend I want to fit in family, friends, exercise, cleaning, work, cooking perfect food, etc. Just being aware of this pattern has helped me to attenuate it. I am better at listening to my body/mind and what I really need now. The world does not end if I stay home for a day or eat cereal for dinner or let things stay messy for a few extra days.
The book "Well Designed Life" by Kyra Bobinet is a fast read and has a lot of good tips and insights for improving one's life by using an iterative process, and pointing out why we often keep doing things that make us unhappy.
posted by lafemma at 5:01 AM on February 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
I do this too and have come to recognize it's more driven for me by anxiety (trying to reach a state where I feel like I'm worthy, where everything is taken care of and ok) than a true desire to achieve because I'm pursuing mastery/enjoyment (which is also a motivation of mine but not the primary one). I've spent time recognizing what "shoulds" I'm telling myself and questioning whether it's true. I have very high expectations for myself that I would never expect someone else to meet, like in a weekend I want to fit in family, friends, exercise, cleaning, work, cooking perfect food, etc. Just being aware of this pattern has helped me to attenuate it. I am better at listening to my body/mind and what I really need now. The world does not end if I stay home for a day or eat cereal for dinner or let things stay messy for a few extra days.
The book "Well Designed Life" by Kyra Bobinet is a fast read and has a lot of good tips and insights for improving one's life by using an iterative process, and pointing out why we often keep doing things that make us unhappy.
posted by lafemma at 5:01 AM on February 20, 2016 [7 favorites]
Go outside. Leave everything - tech, camera, writing stuff, phone (especially), reading stuff, maps, watch - behind, except appropriate clothing, and whatever food and drink you need. Avoid people. Wander around for a bit with no plan.
Repeat as necessary.
posted by Wordshore at 10:29 AM on February 20, 2016
Repeat as necessary.
posted by Wordshore at 10:29 AM on February 20, 2016
Did you previously have this problem but got over it?
Yeah, I tend to be like that. I suggest you drop your goal of "being fun to be around" and stick with trying to learn to have fun.
I was playing Master of Magic and just skipping all the animations because, even playing the game, I was focused on checking off accomplishments. And my son crabbed at me one day because he had never seen the animation for that particular thing and he had wanted to see it. He told me to stop and smell the roses and just enjoy the cool bits of the game instead of being so focused on Accomplishing the damn game.
That really helped me a whole lot. And then I had someone to share it with, because the next time I was going to do that thing in MoM, I first went to get my kids to share the new animation with them and we all three got to go "Neat!"
So, when you are doing something that is supposed to be fun, try stopping and actually enjoying the moment. I am real social, so, for me, sharing the moment really helped me stop racing forward to tick off the next accomplishment. But being crabbed at by my kids informed me I was a failure at having fun. So, in a weird way, that helped me slow down and learn to have fun. Because, jeez, how lame is that? How can I be such a loser that I fail at having fun? So learning to Accomplish smelling the roses and having fun helped me a whole lot.
posted by Michele in California at 10:59 AM on February 20, 2016
Yeah, I tend to be like that. I suggest you drop your goal of "being fun to be around" and stick with trying to learn to have fun.
I was playing Master of Magic and just skipping all the animations because, even playing the game, I was focused on checking off accomplishments. And my son crabbed at me one day because he had never seen the animation for that particular thing and he had wanted to see it. He told me to stop and smell the roses and just enjoy the cool bits of the game instead of being so focused on Accomplishing the damn game.
That really helped me a whole lot. And then I had someone to share it with, because the next time I was going to do that thing in MoM, I first went to get my kids to share the new animation with them and we all three got to go "Neat!"
So, when you are doing something that is supposed to be fun, try stopping and actually enjoying the moment. I am real social, so, for me, sharing the moment really helped me stop racing forward to tick off the next accomplishment. But being crabbed at by my kids informed me I was a failure at having fun. So, in a weird way, that helped me slow down and learn to have fun. Because, jeez, how lame is that? How can I be such a loser that I fail at having fun? So learning to Accomplish smelling the roses and having fun helped me a whole lot.
posted by Michele in California at 10:59 AM on February 20, 2016
[I'll preface this by saying I have perfectionist, anxiety-driven tendencies too, so I am very sympathetic and I am not judging you. I'm lucky because I also have a healthy lazy streak, which often saves me from myself.]
Too often, we are socialized to believe that doing things for ourselves is selfish and bad, and everything we do should be in the service of someone else or at least a "noble purpose" like self-improvement. We are taught we should subsume our own needs and wants for those of others, ALL THE TIME. Well, that's bullshit and it's impossible to live that way. Sometimes it's OK to just do something because it makes us feel good and brings us joy.
You could try asking yourself: am I doing this thing (going on a date, doing a hobby) because it's making me happy, or because I'm afraid if I don't do it I'll be judged as selfish or perceived as a failure? Try to think about whether the thing you are doing is based in bringing joy to your life or avoiding judgment and failure. The first (joy) will have positive effects on your well-being; the second will not.
Even just practicing so you can learn to tell the difference is a good first step. If you can do at least one thing a week that purely brings you joy, and you are not doing it out of obligation, that is great. Obviously I am not saying you should drop all your obligations, but if you find EVERYTHING you do turns into obligation and a slog, and NOTHING is for you and your happiness, then that's a problem, because it'll only build resentment.
Also, do you really acknowledge your own accomplishments, or do you find you minimize them? If someone says, "Wow, you are a really good [banjo player/woodworker/glassblower], do you smile and say, "Thanks! I love my hobby" or do you say "Oh well I'm not really that good. I need to get better at it and work on my [picking/finishing/polishing] techniques blah blah let me tell you about all the ways I'm inadequate."
After years of minimizing my own accomplishments, I decided to make a concerted effort to stop, because it really bugs me when other people do it to themselves. I've tried to train myself so that my only acceptable response to a compliment is "Thank you!" plus positive comments. If you are too critical of yourself, you will always feel like there is more you should be doing...and then everything becomes a chore. Take a moment and try to assess your skills accurately, and give yourself credit for the skills you do have!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:43 AM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
Too often, we are socialized to believe that doing things for ourselves is selfish and bad, and everything we do should be in the service of someone else or at least a "noble purpose" like self-improvement. We are taught we should subsume our own needs and wants for those of others, ALL THE TIME. Well, that's bullshit and it's impossible to live that way. Sometimes it's OK to just do something because it makes us feel good and brings us joy.
You could try asking yourself: am I doing this thing (going on a date, doing a hobby) because it's making me happy, or because I'm afraid if I don't do it I'll be judged as selfish or perceived as a failure? Try to think about whether the thing you are doing is based in bringing joy to your life or avoiding judgment and failure. The first (joy) will have positive effects on your well-being; the second will not.
Even just practicing so you can learn to tell the difference is a good first step. If you can do at least one thing a week that purely brings you joy, and you are not doing it out of obligation, that is great. Obviously I am not saying you should drop all your obligations, but if you find EVERYTHING you do turns into obligation and a slog, and NOTHING is for you and your happiness, then that's a problem, because it'll only build resentment.
Also, do you really acknowledge your own accomplishments, or do you find you minimize them? If someone says, "Wow, you are a really good [banjo player/woodworker/glassblower], do you smile and say, "Thanks! I love my hobby" or do you say "Oh well I'm not really that good. I need to get better at it and work on my [picking/finishing/polishing] techniques blah blah let me tell you about all the ways I'm inadequate."
After years of minimizing my own accomplishments, I decided to make a concerted effort to stop, because it really bugs me when other people do it to themselves. I've tried to train myself so that my only acceptable response to a compliment is "Thank you!" plus positive comments. If you are too critical of yourself, you will always feel like there is more you should be doing...and then everything becomes a chore. Take a moment and try to assess your skills accurately, and give yourself credit for the skills you do have!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:43 AM on February 20, 2016 [4 favorites]
Nthing nature - walking around in trees is very relaxing for me.
Try meditation - it's been really helpful for me to learn how to notice thoughts arising and let go of them.
I've also found it helpful to block out periods of time for doing nothing, or doing something that's clearly "unproductive", like listening to an album attentively, or sitting on a park bench watching the clouds through the leaves. At one time I would even try to schedule half-days or whole days with no books and no phone, just hours in a park, walking and sitting and looking at things.
posted by kristi at 1:38 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Try meditation - it's been really helpful for me to learn how to notice thoughts arising and let go of them.
I've also found it helpful to block out periods of time for doing nothing, or doing something that's clearly "unproductive", like listening to an album attentively, or sitting on a park bench watching the clouds through the leaves. At one time I would even try to schedule half-days or whole days with no books and no phone, just hours in a park, walking and sitting and looking at things.
posted by kristi at 1:38 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nthing spending time in nature, for no reason but to relax and just... explore the outdoors.
I thought of suggesting painting or some kind of creative class, but if you're anything like me, taking a formal class would send you right back into thinking about Getting All Of The Things Right. A related suggestion - have you considered one of the expressive therapies, like art or music therapy? That would be an environment where you don't have to be "on" - you're there for yourself only, and you could get a deeper understanding of your tendency to create high expectations out of your leisure activities. (Full disclosure, I have a Masters degree in art therapy).
When I was in grad school, we were taught that the higher-anxiety folks gravitated toward materials that are easily controlled and create no messes (like markers, thin-lined Sharpies, or stamps) while individuals who were more uninhibited preferred painting with watercolor or creating something from a block of clay. The exercise we were assigned in class was to identify which personality type we were, and then choose the opposite material to work with (I chose the watercolors, since I'm more Type-A). Then we talked about it as a class, what it felt like to "let go" a little bit (or tighten up, for some of us). Years later, I'd tried this with a client of mine, and it was very predictable - I gave him a choice of what to use, and, being a high-anxiety type, he chose Sharpies. Gradually we worked on moving from those to looser materials. Through the materials, he was able to express what it meant to "let go" and actually do that. While it ultimately was a powerful and insightful process for him, because it was in a creative context, he wasn't beating himself up over it and it was more of a dialogue or a journey.
You could also just get a coloring book, now that they're widely available for adults : D
posted by onecircleaday at 7:35 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
I thought of suggesting painting or some kind of creative class, but if you're anything like me, taking a formal class would send you right back into thinking about Getting All Of The Things Right. A related suggestion - have you considered one of the expressive therapies, like art or music therapy? That would be an environment where you don't have to be "on" - you're there for yourself only, and you could get a deeper understanding of your tendency to create high expectations out of your leisure activities. (Full disclosure, I have a Masters degree in art therapy).
When I was in grad school, we were taught that the higher-anxiety folks gravitated toward materials that are easily controlled and create no messes (like markers, thin-lined Sharpies, or stamps) while individuals who were more uninhibited preferred painting with watercolor or creating something from a block of clay. The exercise we were assigned in class was to identify which personality type we were, and then choose the opposite material to work with (I chose the watercolors, since I'm more Type-A). Then we talked about it as a class, what it felt like to "let go" a little bit (or tighten up, for some of us). Years later, I'd tried this with a client of mine, and it was very predictable - I gave him a choice of what to use, and, being a high-anxiety type, he chose Sharpies. Gradually we worked on moving from those to looser materials. Through the materials, he was able to express what it meant to "let go" and actually do that. While it ultimately was a powerful and insightful process for him, because it was in a creative context, he wasn't beating himself up over it and it was more of a dialogue or a journey.
You could also just get a coloring book, now that they're widely available for adults : D
posted by onecircleaday at 7:35 PM on February 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
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It sounds like you're a go-getter, and go-getters are usually good at ignoring their feelings and powering through. That's just how they get shit done. Stop doing that. Be a little fickle. Only do it if you feel like it.
If you don't know what it feels like to be in the mood for something then start small - what do you feel like eating? Watching on tv? Get used to that feeling. Then only go out on a date if you feel that way about it.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:40 PM on February 19, 2016 [5 favorites]