Is there hope for HSV+ and OCD+?
February 14, 2016 8:27 AM Subscribe
Found out the guy I'm seeing, whom I really, really like, has oral HSV-1. I have OCD and GAD and a huge phobia specifically of herpes. Can this work out?
I kinda wish he told me this before kissing me, but it's hard to hold that against him, especially since he's from another country where I suspect this is less of a big deal, and he hasn't had one in literally years. Considering the infection rates of oral HSV-1 and the decent number of men I've kissed, I'm sure I've kissed other men who had had cold sores before.
But...I'm worried now and I don't know how much is reasonable and how much is my OCD talking. How risky is it to kiss someone with asymptomatic HSV-1 if I'm going to be doing it on a regular basis? What about receiving oral sex, which I have so far refused? I've been looking online for transmission rates, but can only seem to find the rates for HSV-2. Is there anything that can be done to reduce the risk? Making some dude take Valtrex when he hasn't had a cold sore in years seems pretty mean, but I don't know.
I am aware that I could have HSV-1 already asymptomatically, but I've always been refused by doctors when I asked for HSV tests (which I have asked for many times, because OCD). I live in Canada and I wonder if that's something they just don't do here.
It's hard for me because I really like this guy and don't want to dump him over something as minor as cold sores he hasn't even had for years, and don't want to hurt his feelings and make him feel gross about it either. I really want to be one of those "herpes is so whatevs, everyone has it" people but I am super anxious about this, and know because of my OCD I would be really upset if I got cold sores and probably a complete nervous wreck if I got genital HSV-1. Any advice is appreciated.
I kinda wish he told me this before kissing me, but it's hard to hold that against him, especially since he's from another country where I suspect this is less of a big deal, and he hasn't had one in literally years. Considering the infection rates of oral HSV-1 and the decent number of men I've kissed, I'm sure I've kissed other men who had had cold sores before.
But...I'm worried now and I don't know how much is reasonable and how much is my OCD talking. How risky is it to kiss someone with asymptomatic HSV-1 if I'm going to be doing it on a regular basis? What about receiving oral sex, which I have so far refused? I've been looking online for transmission rates, but can only seem to find the rates for HSV-2. Is there anything that can be done to reduce the risk? Making some dude take Valtrex when he hasn't had a cold sore in years seems pretty mean, but I don't know.
I am aware that I could have HSV-1 already asymptomatically, but I've always been refused by doctors when I asked for HSV tests (which I have asked for many times, because OCD). I live in Canada and I wonder if that's something they just don't do here.
It's hard for me because I really like this guy and don't want to dump him over something as minor as cold sores he hasn't even had for years, and don't want to hurt his feelings and make him feel gross about it either. I really want to be one of those "herpes is so whatevs, everyone has it" people but I am super anxious about this, and know because of my OCD I would be really upset if I got cold sores and probably a complete nervous wreck if I got genital HSV-1. Any advice is appreciated.
This is over kill. Cold sores are very common and a minor inconvience. I had them as a kid and have never told a partner. I think it's a non-issue if he hasn't had one in years. Finding someone compassionate and tidy and fun who genuinely cares about you should all outweigh cold sores. There is no perfect partner.
posted by Kalmya at 8:50 AM on February 14, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 8:50 AM on February 14, 2016 [8 favorites]
Is there anything that can be done to reduce the risk? Making some dude take Valtrex when he hasn't had a cold sore in years seems pretty mean, but I don't know.
Valtrex prophylaxis taken by either of you would reduce transmission risk. Since you acknowledge this is your own issue exacerbated by your OCD, would you be willing to start taking daily Valtrex?
Finally, I have no specific recommendations for OCD treatment, but it sounds like the symptoms are really affecting you right now so if you're not in the care of a professional for OCD, that is another way of addressing the boyfriend issue in a broader fashion.
posted by telegraph at 8:50 AM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
Valtrex prophylaxis taken by either of you would reduce transmission risk. Since you acknowledge this is your own issue exacerbated by your OCD, would you be willing to start taking daily Valtrex?
Finally, I have no specific recommendations for OCD treatment, but it sounds like the symptoms are really affecting you right now so if you're not in the care of a professional for OCD, that is another way of addressing the boyfriend issue in a broader fashion.
posted by telegraph at 8:50 AM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
I think this is something you seriously need to work on a therapist with. Not dating anyone with cold sores is an option (and I don't think you should be judged if you decide to do this), but it seems like you are aware of how irrational your response is. You know about prevalence rates - if you make this your dealbreaker, are you really going to exclude 70% of the population from your dating pool? I feel like your OCD and anxiety is making this a bigger deal than it should be, and that it's impacting your ability to engage in healthy relationships. This is definitely something you should be addressing with a therapist.
posted by Conspire at 8:59 AM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Conspire at 8:59 AM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
I have OCD and plenty of disease phobias, and I also have oral HSV since childhood. I've treated some people very badly in the course of my undertreated OCD, and I've been treated poorly for having a near-ubiquitous latent infection.
Here's what I say: Break up with this guy so he can find someone who doesn't find him fundamentally repulsive. You can't help feeling that way, but he doesn't deserve it. Alternately, go into therapy and stay there, so you can get your OCD under control. Maybe both. This isn't this problem, though. So if you do break up with him, not a single word should cross your lips about the fact that he has oral HSV.
(By the way, you're reassurance-seeking with this question, and you're chest-deep in Dr Google, too. Neither are good things to do for OCD.)
posted by Coatlicue at 9:16 AM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
Here's what I say: Break up with this guy so he can find someone who doesn't find him fundamentally repulsive. You can't help feeling that way, but he doesn't deserve it. Alternately, go into therapy and stay there, so you can get your OCD under control. Maybe both. This isn't this problem, though. So if you do break up with him, not a single word should cross your lips about the fact that he has oral HSV.
(By the way, you're reassurance-seeking with this question, and you're chest-deep in Dr Google, too. Neither are good things to do for OCD.)
posted by Coatlicue at 9:16 AM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
It may sound harsh, but your options are:
1) Stop overreacting, cold sores are really not a big deal, and only infectious when active. Just don't kiss him when, or indeed if, he has a cold sore.
2) End the relationship because of this. Next person you date will most likely have them too, or something else that worries you. You will then carry on like this forever.
I get cold sores, but hadn't had one in 6 years until my brother died and the stress got to me. I simply avoided kissing my partner for a few days. There are real problems in the world and this isn't one.
posted by welovelife at 9:56 AM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
1) Stop overreacting, cold sores are really not a big deal, and only infectious when active. Just don't kiss him when, or indeed if, he has a cold sore.
2) End the relationship because of this. Next person you date will most likely have them too, or something else that worries you. You will then carry on like this forever.
I get cold sores, but hadn't had one in 6 years until my brother died and the stress got to me. I simply avoided kissing my partner for a few days. There are real problems in the world and this isn't one.
posted by welovelife at 9:56 AM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Are you me? Seriously? I don't have OCD, but do have HSV-specific health anxiety. I know, it's irrational, but there you go.
I've been in this situation before, and it is trickier in Canada where doctors really hate testing people for HSV antibodies if they've never had symptoms or contact with someone else's outbreak. The other issue is that your doctor, knowing your history of health anxiety, may be concerned about the mental health fallout for you as an asymptomatic person receiving a positive HSV test. You would realistically need some counselling above and beyond routine STI counselling to handle a positive test result.
You can choose to date people who have never had a cold sore, but let's be honest - you'll be working with a false sense of security, especially living in a place where routine HSV testing doesn't happen. Think about how many HSV-1 seropositive people caught it as kids and only ever had one initial outbreak. Then there's also all the other always-asymptomatic HSV carriers who can still infect you. Asymptomatic shedding certainly happens - most of the people I know who've gotten HSV got it from someone who never had an outbreak as far as they knew. And it's especially hard for a person with anxiety to have one of their anxiety-driven safeguards fail really badly.
There are ways to deal with this, like taking receptive oral sex entirely off the table or using dental dams, quaint as they may be. Both are solutions that are going to make your guy feel sort of repulsive for having a pretty common condition. They're also solutions you can employ in all your relationships going forward to really reduce your risk of genital HSV, but (a) consider if you really want to put those sorts of limitations on your sex life and (b) they'll winnow your dating pool down for a variety of reasons. And welovelife is harsh, but right - if you continue to date, this issue isn't going to go away. If you want to be sexually active, this is the price of admission, to be frank.
I don't want to project here, but think about what your dating and sexual future would look like with HSV; you intellectually know that lots of people with incurable STIs go on to have happy relationships and healthy sex lives, but do you feel that you'd have similar chances to those people? If not, then why? Sometimes people who are anxious about these sorts of things feel like they're barely capable of being an attractive partner now, and that an incurable STI would leave them with almost no dating options. That might be an issue you need to explore with a therapist - STI-related health anxiety affects the ways you pursue and engage in relationships in ways that go far beyond simply avoiding transmission risks.
posted by blerghamot at 10:09 AM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've been in this situation before, and it is trickier in Canada where doctors really hate testing people for HSV antibodies if they've never had symptoms or contact with someone else's outbreak. The other issue is that your doctor, knowing your history of health anxiety, may be concerned about the mental health fallout for you as an asymptomatic person receiving a positive HSV test. You would realistically need some counselling above and beyond routine STI counselling to handle a positive test result.
You can choose to date people who have never had a cold sore, but let's be honest - you'll be working with a false sense of security, especially living in a place where routine HSV testing doesn't happen. Think about how many HSV-1 seropositive people caught it as kids and only ever had one initial outbreak. Then there's also all the other always-asymptomatic HSV carriers who can still infect you. Asymptomatic shedding certainly happens - most of the people I know who've gotten HSV got it from someone who never had an outbreak as far as they knew. And it's especially hard for a person with anxiety to have one of their anxiety-driven safeguards fail really badly.
There are ways to deal with this, like taking receptive oral sex entirely off the table or using dental dams, quaint as they may be. Both are solutions that are going to make your guy feel sort of repulsive for having a pretty common condition. They're also solutions you can employ in all your relationships going forward to really reduce your risk of genital HSV, but (a) consider if you really want to put those sorts of limitations on your sex life and (b) they'll winnow your dating pool down for a variety of reasons. And welovelife is harsh, but right - if you continue to date, this issue isn't going to go away. If you want to be sexually active, this is the price of admission, to be frank.
I don't want to project here, but think about what your dating and sexual future would look like with HSV; you intellectually know that lots of people with incurable STIs go on to have happy relationships and healthy sex lives, but do you feel that you'd have similar chances to those people? If not, then why? Sometimes people who are anxious about these sorts of things feel like they're barely capable of being an attractive partner now, and that an incurable STI would leave them with almost no dating options. That might be an issue you need to explore with a therapist - STI-related health anxiety affects the ways you pursue and engage in relationships in ways that go far beyond simply avoiding transmission risks.
posted by blerghamot at 10:09 AM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Something else to consider is that your HSV anxiety is only ramping up because you're not all that into this guy and you don't feel comfortable with the risk/reward ratio of being with him specifically. This isn't to say that you would be completely comfortable dating a cold sore-having guy you really liked, but you might not feel as bad about taking that risk.
posted by blerghamot at 10:16 AM on February 14, 2016
posted by blerghamot at 10:16 AM on February 14, 2016
It's not really clear what your question(s) is(are). If you want to break it off with the guy, then do so. You don't have to have a (legit or not) reason other than "it's not working out". If you want to know if this is your OCD talking, then yes, it is. I've gotten cold sores intermittently for years. I just didn't kiss my husband for several days. I'm not saying you are a terrible person for feeling the way you do. I have my own phobia and it sucks. But. I've been slowly working on my phobia and it's gotten better and I'm much happier when confronted with the phobia-inducer. So I would really encourage you to work on this. Tons of people have cold sores and you will be happier if you can work on reducing your phobia.
Just FYI, zinc is your new best friend. A 500 mg capsule daily will virtually guarantee no cold sores. I had then all the time growing up and until my early 40s. I started taking zinc and haven't had one in YEARS. Seriously. So much better than pumping antivirals into your system.
Good luck!
posted by Beti at 10:37 AM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just FYI, zinc is your new best friend. A 500 mg capsule daily will virtually guarantee no cold sores. I had then all the time growing up and until my early 40s. I started taking zinc and haven't had one in YEARS. Seriously. So much better than pumping antivirals into your system.
Good luck!
posted by Beti at 10:37 AM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm 48, have had HSV1 since childhood, was wildly sexually active in my 20's and 30's and have passed the virus along to absolutely 1 (one) individual. It's really not a big deal to have, although it feels pretty crappy to pass along, and if contracted can easily be controlled with L-Lysine at first sign of onset, or probably Acyclovir if you feel you need to pay for a prescription. In all honestly, as an adult, i would be far more concerned about dating someone with OCD.
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 10:37 AM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 10:37 AM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
An angle nobody has really hit yet is that herpes viruses are great at hiding out in your body, and you can be seronegative but still have latent viruses that can cause an outbreak later. I saw a seminar by a herpes researcher, and his take was that basically everyone has some kind of herpes virus, and once you have it it never fully goes away (although he was including chickenpox, etc. as well). So yes, dealing with herpes exposure is very much the price of kissing, etc. And it's possible you already carry HSV and wouldn't know even with a blood test.
posted by momus_window at 6:23 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by momus_window at 6:23 PM on February 14, 2016
If someone's body is giving you "a huge phobia", and makes you "super anxious" with potential to become "really upset" and "a complete nervous wreck", then no, there isn't hope. You can take precautions; none of them are foolproof.
Look at the language you're using and think about how you would feel if someone described your body in those terms. Would you want to date someone who was shuddering away from your body with barely contained revulsion?
This is not going to work out. Sorry.
posted by sea change at 6:49 PM on February 14, 2016
Look at the language you're using and think about how you would feel if someone described your body in those terms. Would you want to date someone who was shuddering away from your body with barely contained revulsion?
This is not going to work out. Sorry.
posted by sea change at 6:49 PM on February 14, 2016
Are you seeing someone about your OCD/anxiety? This (level of) fear is irrational. If the information you've already looked up hasn't calmed you you're not going to find a statistic that will make you feel safe.
posted by feelingcold at 10:07 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by feelingcold at 10:07 PM on February 14, 2016
Both of my children get cold sores. Despite being as close with them, including bedtime kisses and many, many cuddles, I have never had one.
posted by KathrynT at 11:18 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by KathrynT at 11:18 PM on February 14, 2016
You are me, 15 years ago.
This level of fear and anxiety probably won't go away without therapy and/or medication. You don't have to be imprisoned by your OCD, and it doesn't have to drive a wedge between you and someone you (could) love. Your anxiety is treatable! Good luck.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:50 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
This level of fear and anxiety probably won't go away without therapy and/or medication. You don't have to be imprisoned by your OCD, and it doesn't have to drive a wedge between you and someone you (could) love. Your anxiety is treatable! Good luck.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 7:50 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Just FYI, zinc is your new best friend.
Sorry, as Conrad-Casserole says, that should be lysine not zinc.
posted by Beti at 9:35 AM on February 16, 2016
Sorry, as Conrad-Casserole says, that should be lysine not zinc.
posted by Beti at 9:35 AM on February 16, 2016
Taking some time to educate yourself and making an informed decision before you pursued the relationship.
Oral herpes is transmitted through direct contact between the contagious area and broken skin (a cut or break) and mucous membrane tissue (such as the mouth or genitals). Herpes can also be transmitted when there are no symptoms present. There are some days throughout the year when the virus reactivates yet causes no symptoms (called asymptomatic shedding, viral shedding, or asymptomatic reactivation).
posted by dealingwithh at 3:54 AM on June 16, 2016
Oral herpes is transmitted through direct contact between the contagious area and broken skin (a cut or break) and mucous membrane tissue (such as the mouth or genitals). Herpes can also be transmitted when there are no symptoms present. There are some days throughout the year when the virus reactivates yet causes no symptoms (called asymptomatic shedding, viral shedding, or asymptomatic reactivation).
posted by dealingwithh at 3:54 AM on June 16, 2016
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I dated someone with genital herpes who was a really nice guy, and we were always careful and wore condoms, but I have to say I was so relieved when we broke up and I didn't have to worry about getting herpes anymore. I was completely negative for any antibodies to HSV by the way, there are people who are seronegative and you might be one.
There are other fish in the sea. Date one who hasn't had cold sores. I give you permission to break up.
posted by permiechickie at 8:38 AM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]