To preschool or not to preschool?
February 4, 2016 11:03 AM Subscribe
My nearly three year old has been in part time preschool since summer. He, and all of us, have been struggling a lot since then. During school breaks he is different (less fragile, nicer) and our home is different (happier, less stressful). I'm trying to sort through options for care/schooling options for him. I need help!
He's great in so many ways but he's a little different, from watching I can see things which could overlap with anxiety, ADHD, SPD or high functioning ASD. Evaluations are in process, so the experts will hopefully shed some light on this part. They have all but told me that he won't qualify for a special education preschool. Regardless of what we do with regard to school/care, we're going to keep pursuing all avenues to help him be as happy as possible.
In general, I guess I really am curious what other parents of kids with atypical learning needs do as far as preschool (and even primary school), etc.
As best as I can articulate them, the questions roiling around in my head:
He's great in so many ways but he's a little different, from watching I can see things which could overlap with anxiety, ADHD, SPD or high functioning ASD. Evaluations are in process, so the experts will hopefully shed some light on this part. They have all but told me that he won't qualify for a special education preschool. Regardless of what we do with regard to school/care, we're going to keep pursuing all avenues to help him be as happy as possible.
In general, I guess I really am curious what other parents of kids with atypical learning needs do as far as preschool (and even primary school), etc.
As best as I can articulate them, the questions roiling around in my head:
- Should we be looking for a different school? His current one seems quite good in the general play as learning mode, and they seem very patient. The only other option I can think of is finding a good Montossori, but I think that teaching style could either be really good or just a total disaster for him. Waldorf looks intriguing with its emphasis on the practical but I get a dogmatic-mystic-luddite vibe from the nearby one that makes me uncomfortable, plus I'd have the same questions about whether he would thrive in that environment. Plus either of these would be difficult for us to afford.
- Should we pull him out and delay school for a year or more? We have a very good Nanny who I think we could keep, but it would also mean keeping his sister out of preschool until she's at least 3. I think we would need to make a decent commitment to her (6 months at least) so we can't just "month to month" this.
- Or should we be using his current school situation as a way to help him and work on his root issues in situ? Presuming he follows a traditional school route, he/we will have to do this at some point. Intellectually this makes sense to me, but it makes me sad, for him and for us.
Two is young for preschool. I see many of my mom friends enrolling their very young kids in preschool programs, and I'm not sure why other than because it seems to be the thing to do for middle class and upper class families. Socialization is good for kids, but he could also get that through play dates, lots of outings and just playtime at home.
posted by areaperson at 11:34 AM on February 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by areaperson at 11:34 AM on February 4, 2016 [10 favorites]
Two is a little young for preschool, I agree. That said, when my son was three, we enrolled him in our local public school district's integrated preschool program (neurotypical kids and kids with differing needs in the same classroom) and it ended up being the very best place for him we could have hoped for. Turns out he had some differing needs, too, and we just didn't know it! I credit that preschool with getting him on track with OT and the diagnoses he ended up with. I'm pretty sure he would have been kicked out of a non-integrated classroom. We also enrolled our daughter there when she was three, and she (neurotypical kid) THRIVED there, too.
It was really inexpensive (he wasn't special needs enough to qualify for tuition assistance/state services) and full of specialty teachers (all of whom had at least bachelor's degrees; most had master's degrees in Early Childhood Education) and I highly recommend looking into something like that in your area.
posted by cooker girl at 11:46 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
It was really inexpensive (he wasn't special needs enough to qualify for tuition assistance/state services) and full of specialty teachers (all of whom had at least bachelor's degrees; most had master's degrees in Early Childhood Education) and I highly recommend looking into something like that in your area.
posted by cooker girl at 11:46 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
We enrolled our daughter in preschool when she was 2.5 and she did not like it one bit. She went to Japan for a few months and ended up going to preschool there as well and didn't like it either. When she came back she went to a new preschool and really liked that one. I think more than anything else it was the fact that she was a bit over 3 and so more ready for it when she went to the new preschool that made the difference. Now she's 4 and goes to full-day JK as well as Japanese school on Saturday mornings and really likes both, so something has switched in her to make her enjoy school.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:03 PM on February 4, 2016
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:03 PM on February 4, 2016
If you think that this preschool is negatively impacting his behavior, I'd pull him out. Have you observed him there to see what the issue is? What's the teacher-student ratio?
As long as your nanny works to set up playdates and go to classes every so often, there's no reason why he needs to be in preschool at 3. I think it's probably much easier to set up an arrangement like this with a nanny, than it is to find a good preschool for a 3 year old who doesn't fit the mould exactly.
posted by yarly at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
As long as your nanny works to set up playdates and go to classes every so often, there's no reason why he needs to be in preschool at 3. I think it's probably much easier to set up an arrangement like this with a nanny, than it is to find a good preschool for a 3 year old who doesn't fit the mould exactly.
posted by yarly at 12:06 PM on February 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
My mom teaches pre-school, and they won't even take a child until they are nearing their 4th birthday. It sounds like your kid is too young, which is not a big deal. Take him out.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:11 PM on February 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:11 PM on February 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
FWIW, two isn't too young to go to pre-school. Mine went at that age and loved it. A whole class of two-year-olds, and no one died.
Which isn't to say that maybe your son just isn't ready for it. Have you actually spoken to your son's teachers about it? Have you gotten any kind of feedback on how he's doing in-class?
I see many of my mom friends enrolling their very young kids in preschool programs, and I'm not sure why other than because it seems to be the thing to do for middle class and upper class families. Socialization is good for kids, but he could also get that through play dates, lots of outings and just playtime at home.
This is a pretty judgmental attitude. Sometimes both parents want to (or have to) work. Sometimes parents just want to not have to devote every waking hour of the day to a barely-functioning person.
posted by mkultra at 1:10 PM on February 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
Which isn't to say that maybe your son just isn't ready for it. Have you actually spoken to your son's teachers about it? Have you gotten any kind of feedback on how he's doing in-class?
I see many of my mom friends enrolling their very young kids in preschool programs, and I'm not sure why other than because it seems to be the thing to do for middle class and upper class families. Socialization is good for kids, but he could also get that through play dates, lots of outings and just playtime at home.
This is a pretty judgmental attitude. Sometimes both parents want to (or have to) work. Sometimes parents just want to not have to devote every waking hour of the day to a barely-functioning person.
posted by mkultra at 1:10 PM on February 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
Also, what has he said about preschool? Does he say he likes it? Does he say he likes his teachers? Does he mention friends there? Does he talk about what they do in school? Is he crying when you pick him up? Does he beg not to go?
I would also suggest that the transition from 2 to 3 years old can be challenging for everybody, regardless of whether or not the kid is in preschool, because 2 and 3 are really different ages. My two year old was a total delight. Sweet sweet sweet, very reserved, joyous, cuddly. My three year-old is a total delight. Until he is NOT. And some days he's fragile. And some days he's strong and fearless. And some days he's bossy. And some days it's all yes, mommy, okay, mommy....you get my point. He's in flux because being a preschooler means he's becoming even MORE his own little person. And that is emotionally weird and hard on a given day.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 1:18 PM on February 4, 2016
I would also suggest that the transition from 2 to 3 years old can be challenging for everybody, regardless of whether or not the kid is in preschool, because 2 and 3 are really different ages. My two year old was a total delight. Sweet sweet sweet, very reserved, joyous, cuddly. My three year-old is a total delight. Until he is NOT. And some days he's fragile. And some days he's strong and fearless. And some days he's bossy. And some days it's all yes, mommy, okay, mommy....you get my point. He's in flux because being a preschooler means he's becoming even MORE his own little person. And that is emotionally weird and hard on a given day.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 1:18 PM on February 4, 2016
Response by poster: Feedback from his teacher: he has trouble listening (regularly), doesn't seem aware of other kids space/bodies (so knocks them down, hurts them), doesn't seem to care about consequences - so he's difficult to direct/correct.
Feedback from him (there is some variation, but basically): he does not want to go, will cry or whine whenever he thinks about going, he says he is scared (he uses the word "scared" very loosely - including for when he has been nicely told "no", but it definitely is worrying), he usually likes his teacher, he seems to be having fun and will say that sometimes. He talks about friends (or at least used to) but I have rarely seen him playing one on one with other children at school (though occasionally at the park or with his cousin) and those relationships don't seem to be developing - frankly I worry that some of them tend to avoid him because he is too rough (but my observation is limited to drop offs and one pick up a week). He says it's hard to be gentle (we were putting a lot of emphasis on gentle), he will not talk about school (but he also doesn't generally want to talk about his day, so that may not mean much).
As far as general toddler emotions, this isn't just normal daily variation. It took us a while to see the pattern but he is consistently much more fragile, much more likely to physically lash out, and more "shut down" (not listening) when he's going to school. One day back at school and I can start seeing the "signs". When out of school he is still himself and intense but he's just different, more confident, less anxious, more resilient.
It is interesting that so many people think he's too young, we felt like we were getting a fair amount of pressure from grandparents and his nanny, including the tuition 'gifted' to us, to put him in part time when he turned 2. And a LOT of sideways stink eye, and some pushback, when we kept him out all of January.
posted by pennypiper at 1:42 PM on February 4, 2016
Feedback from him (there is some variation, but basically): he does not want to go, will cry or whine whenever he thinks about going, he says he is scared (he uses the word "scared" very loosely - including for when he has been nicely told "no", but it definitely is worrying), he usually likes his teacher, he seems to be having fun and will say that sometimes. He talks about friends (or at least used to) but I have rarely seen him playing one on one with other children at school (though occasionally at the park or with his cousin) and those relationships don't seem to be developing - frankly I worry that some of them tend to avoid him because he is too rough (but my observation is limited to drop offs and one pick up a week). He says it's hard to be gentle (we were putting a lot of emphasis on gentle), he will not talk about school (but he also doesn't generally want to talk about his day, so that may not mean much).
As far as general toddler emotions, this isn't just normal daily variation. It took us a while to see the pattern but he is consistently much more fragile, much more likely to physically lash out, and more "shut down" (not listening) when he's going to school. One day back at school and I can start seeing the "signs". When out of school he is still himself and intense but he's just different, more confident, less anxious, more resilient.
It is interesting that so many people think he's too young, we felt like we were getting a fair amount of pressure from grandparents and his nanny, including the tuition 'gifted' to us, to put him in part time when he turned 2. And a LOT of sideways stink eye, and some pushback, when we kept him out all of January.
posted by pennypiper at 1:42 PM on February 4, 2016
What do you think the benefits are of having him in school at this age? In my opinion, he's too young to get anything out of it unless he really enjoys engaging with the different environment there, and that's clearly not happening. But if you see benefits (including to yourself!) then think about what they are and whether they outweigh the problems it's causing in your family life.
posted by metasarah at 1:58 PM on February 4, 2016
posted by metasarah at 1:58 PM on February 4, 2016
"It is interesting that so many people think he's too young, we felt like we were getting a fair amount of pressure from grandparents and his nanny, including the tuition 'gifted' to us, to put him in part time when he turned 2. And a LOT of sideways stink eye, and some pushback, when we kept him out all of January."
I feel like the norms around this have shifted somewhat since so many kids are in daycare, but definitely it's more "traditional" for kids to go a couple days a week at 3 and maybe half-day all week at 4. Most kindergartens are full day now, but there are a LOT of five-year-olds who simply aren't ready for a day that long. We're definitely "aging down" the normal age to be "at school" and to be at school all day.
The other thing I would suggest, from my own experience, is that I got a fair amount of pressure to do more "socializing" of my kid because people could tell he was "weird," and a lot of people make the assumption (especially with boys) that that's because mom is coddling him too much. Until we got a diagnosis, there was a lot of "encouragement" (and some flat-out pressure) that I really should just get out there more! Take him to more playdates! Send him to preschool! Let him interact more with other kids! And mostly people mean well; but they're not the parent and they don't see the thousands of interactions you've seen, and the behavior at home that you're seeing, all the time and over time.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:14 PM on February 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
I feel like the norms around this have shifted somewhat since so many kids are in daycare, but definitely it's more "traditional" for kids to go a couple days a week at 3 and maybe half-day all week at 4. Most kindergartens are full day now, but there are a LOT of five-year-olds who simply aren't ready for a day that long. We're definitely "aging down" the normal age to be "at school" and to be at school all day.
The other thing I would suggest, from my own experience, is that I got a fair amount of pressure to do more "socializing" of my kid because people could tell he was "weird," and a lot of people make the assumption (especially with boys) that that's because mom is coddling him too much. Until we got a diagnosis, there was a lot of "encouragement" (and some flat-out pressure) that I really should just get out there more! Take him to more playdates! Send him to preschool! Let him interact more with other kids! And mostly people mean well; but they're not the parent and they don't see the thousands of interactions you've seen, and the behavior at home that you're seeing, all the time and over time.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:14 PM on February 4, 2016 [9 favorites]
There's two questions buried here, really. Before you can evaluate how/when/where to school your kid, you need an accurate diagnosis if you suspect your kid has diagnosable anxiety ADHD, SPD or ASD. You're doing a good job at engaging in services, but you really ought to get yourself a proper diagnosis before making the call. This isn't something you should 'wait and see' on, you should get a diagnosis ASAP. Its sometimes really hard to get a diagnosis, but it is imperative information to take into account before you answer those questions about where and when to school the kid.
Early intervention services can interface with your current childcare/preschool provider and help with some of those issues, and help things along, if you have a diagnosis. They might not have you slated for full on special-needs preschool, but there are plenty of in-betweens out there…but all of that requires knowing whats going on with an accurate diagnosis.
My son got diagnosed with SPD and generalized anxiety disorder; the school system subsequent early intervention services (who engages in kids even in private daycares and preschools well before kids hit actual school age) have him on an 'educational autism' non-medical diagnosis. They're different tiers and enable different services to come into play. Getting your diagnosis can open you up to services in your area that you weren't even aware of.
posted by furnace.heart at 2:19 PM on February 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Early intervention services can interface with your current childcare/preschool provider and help with some of those issues, and help things along, if you have a diagnosis. They might not have you slated for full on special-needs preschool, but there are plenty of in-betweens out there…but all of that requires knowing whats going on with an accurate diagnosis.
My son got diagnosed with SPD and generalized anxiety disorder; the school system subsequent early intervention services (who engages in kids even in private daycares and preschools well before kids hit actual school age) have him on an 'educational autism' non-medical diagnosis. They're different tiers and enable different services to come into play. Getting your diagnosis can open you up to services in your area that you weren't even aware of.
posted by furnace.heart at 2:19 PM on February 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
My kid was in a home daycare with 6-7 kids and basically just a living room until he was nearly 4 (he misses our school cutoff). He did great in this environment. The switch to preschool just about did us in. I wrote more about that in this thread.
I can tell you that after a year of OT, his second year in the montessori program (he is now 5) is going great. He still gets the lowest score available in 'completes work' ("only with adult cue") but his teachers have worked *tirelessly* on his executive function, and he is actually finishing work upon being prompted.
The things I credit with his success in this year are:
1) an extra year of maturity. Let's not kid ourselves, this makes a difference
2) Occupational therapy. This absolutely, unquestionably, changed his trajectory from down to up.
3) A nearly unchanged school environment. This, to me, is one of the great things about his Montessori 3-6 program. All the teachers are the same, the classroom is the same, 2/3 of the kids are the same - there's no transition. And for a child who struggles oh so mightily with transitions, this is gold.
4) The efforts of his teachers, who all know how to manage him and have put some little invisible supports in place for him in the classroom. See (3).
If he's not doing well in his current preschool, pull him out. If you're happy with your nanny, you could (for example) elect to push this off another 6 months - that's August, and when new school years are starting anyway - and wait and see how your evaluations shake out, decide what (if any) therapy or other interventions you want to undertake. For example, the not being aware of space/his body/other kids' bodies is something that a good occupational therapist can make a HUUUGE difference with. In the meantime, you can start visiting other preschools in your area and thinking about where to try again in the fall. (Or not, if that's what you decide.)
posted by telepanda at 2:21 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I can tell you that after a year of OT, his second year in the montessori program (he is now 5) is going great. He still gets the lowest score available in 'completes work' ("only with adult cue") but his teachers have worked *tirelessly* on his executive function, and he is actually finishing work upon being prompted.
The things I credit with his success in this year are:
1) an extra year of maturity. Let's not kid ourselves, this makes a difference
2) Occupational therapy. This absolutely, unquestionably, changed his trajectory from down to up.
3) A nearly unchanged school environment. This, to me, is one of the great things about his Montessori 3-6 program. All the teachers are the same, the classroom is the same, 2/3 of the kids are the same - there's no transition. And for a child who struggles oh so mightily with transitions, this is gold.
4) The efforts of his teachers, who all know how to manage him and have put some little invisible supports in place for him in the classroom. See (3).
If he's not doing well in his current preschool, pull him out. If you're happy with your nanny, you could (for example) elect to push this off another 6 months - that's August, and when new school years are starting anyway - and wait and see how your evaluations shake out, decide what (if any) therapy or other interventions you want to undertake. For example, the not being aware of space/his body/other kids' bodies is something that a good occupational therapist can make a HUUUGE difference with. In the meantime, you can start visiting other preschools in your area and thinking about where to try again in the fall. (Or not, if that's what you decide.)
posted by telepanda at 2:21 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
consistently much more fragile, much more likely to physically lash out, and more "shut down" (not listening) when he's going to school.
Is he just really tired after school? Are morning starts earlier on school days? Is he still having naps? Our kids was still having a nap more than half the days I think at that age at nursery.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:24 PM on February 4, 2016
Is he just really tired after school? Are morning starts earlier on school days? Is he still having naps? Our kids was still having a nap more than half the days I think at that age at nursery.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:24 PM on February 4, 2016
Response by poster: Is he just really tired after school?
No, the behavioral changes are pervasive - mornings, weekdays he's not in school, weekends - and overall sleep/wake schedule does not change when in school.
You're doing a good job at engaging in services, but you really ought to get yourself a proper diagnosis before making the call.
We have appointments scheduled, his full ECE evaluation isn't for over a month, I'd love to have answers sooner but I don't know how that's possible. In the meantime we need to at least make some preliminary decisions because he is either going to school or not. To be clear, we were keeping him out but the evaluation team recommended that we send him to school.
posted by pennypiper at 2:49 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
No, the behavioral changes are pervasive - mornings, weekdays he's not in school, weekends - and overall sleep/wake schedule does not change when in school.
You're doing a good job at engaging in services, but you really ought to get yourself a proper diagnosis before making the call.
We have appointments scheduled, his full ECE evaluation isn't for over a month, I'd love to have answers sooner but I don't know how that's possible. In the meantime we need to at least make some preliminary decisions because he is either going to school or not. To be clear, we were keeping him out but the evaluation team recommended that we send him to school.
posted by pennypiper at 2:49 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
In response to the person who said I sounded judgemental and some parents need carers for their kids. Yes, many people need care for their kids. I'm one of those parents. This question was about preschool. Preschool is probably the most expensive option for care I can think of, and the least convenient because of commute and really short hours. I think with the introduction of public 4K programs (which is awesome), many parents are now starting their kids with one or two years of preschool, then 4K and kindergarten. So a 4K program that was intended to help kids gain equal footing before entering kindergarten is resulting in upper and middle class kids starting preschool at 2 or even 1.5 (I've seen that). My response to the OP is that it's ok to not join the early preschool train if you don't want to, and especially if it sounds like your kid is not benefitting from it.
posted by areaperson at 2:58 PM on February 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by areaperson at 2:58 PM on February 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Our younger son didn't do as well in pre-school as our older brother, so we took him out. Luckily we were able to work from home on just one income (we rent to keep our costs down) so it wasn't an issue for us.
Kids don't have to go to preschool, or even kindergarten, assuming their needs are being met at home.
Assuming you can provide them with a stimulating environment (ie, they're not watching tv all day) I don't think they will miss out on much by not going to pre-school.
Even with our youngest now most of the way through Grade 1, he's still adjusting to the whole school routine, and regularly sleeps in.
So we try to just accommodate his needs (once again we work from home) instead of creating stress about school. If this means he's late for school, then he's going to be late.
In your case, why cause any more unnecessary stress?
posted by My Dad at 3:02 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Kids don't have to go to preschool, or even kindergarten, assuming their needs are being met at home.
Assuming you can provide them with a stimulating environment (ie, they're not watching tv all day) I don't think they will miss out on much by not going to pre-school.
Even with our youngest now most of the way through Grade 1, he's still adjusting to the whole school routine, and regularly sleeps in.
So we try to just accommodate his needs (once again we work from home) instead of creating stress about school. If this means he's late for school, then he's going to be late.
In your case, why cause any more unnecessary stress?
posted by My Dad at 3:02 PM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Wait, why did the consultants recommend him going? Like, what were their reasons?
I am generally pretty skeptical about real "preschool" (as opposed to daycare) for such little kids, but the experts who have actually met your child seem to think he should be there.
FWIW having an extremely structured schoolish place to be at the exact same time every day was extremely important for the one low-functioning autistic kid I know; her much-closer-to-NT brother found it very difficult until he was maybe 10 or 11 years old and started to figure out how to deal with the other kids successfully. The routine-vs-exhaustion issue seems to be pretty consistent across the spectrum.
posted by SMPA at 5:02 PM on February 4, 2016
I am generally pretty skeptical about real "preschool" (as opposed to daycare) for such little kids, but the experts who have actually met your child seem to think he should be there.
FWIW having an extremely structured schoolish place to be at the exact same time every day was extremely important for the one low-functioning autistic kid I know; her much-closer-to-NT brother found it very difficult until he was maybe 10 or 11 years old and started to figure out how to deal with the other kids successfully. The routine-vs-exhaustion issue seems to be pretty consistent across the spectrum.
posted by SMPA at 5:02 PM on February 4, 2016
Response by poster: Wait, why did the consultants recommend him going? Like, what were their reasons?
Because we are saying he has difficulties with (and when attending) school, and so it will be easier for them to see what we're talking about. At a larger level, the school district ECE is not surprisingly focused on facilitating school attendance and success, so I guess it makes sense that they are approaching it from working within that paradigm. We were willing to try, but after seeing the change after just one (very "good" day) back, I'm having serious doubts.
posted by pennypiper at 5:09 PM on February 4, 2016
Because we are saying he has difficulties with (and when attending) school, and so it will be easier for them to see what we're talking about. At a larger level, the school district ECE is not surprisingly focused on facilitating school attendance and success, so I guess it makes sense that they are approaching it from working within that paradigm. We were willing to try, but after seeing the change after just one (very "good" day) back, I'm having serious doubts.
posted by pennypiper at 5:09 PM on February 4, 2016
> It is interesting that so many people think he's too young, we felt like we were getting a fair amount of pressure from grandparents and his nanny, including the tuition 'gifted' to us, to put him in part time when he turned 2. And a LOT of sideways stink eye, and some pushback, when we kept him out all of January.
That's nuts. They need to employ some common-sense skills and pay attention to the toddler in front of them. There is no need to nudge not-even-three-year-old into preschool on some principle of the thing if he's not responding well to it. FFS.
(This stranger on the internet gives you permission to stinkeye the grandparents and nanny right back. And incidentally, at what age did the grandparents put their children into preschool? I bet it wasn't two.)
posted by desuetude at 5:25 PM on February 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
That's nuts. They need to employ some common-sense skills and pay attention to the toddler in front of them. There is no need to nudge not-even-three-year-old into preschool on some principle of the thing if he's not responding well to it. FFS.
(This stranger on the internet gives you permission to stinkeye the grandparents and nanny right back. And incidentally, at what age did the grandparents put their children into preschool? I bet it wasn't two.)
posted by desuetude at 5:25 PM on February 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
I vote to go with your gut, as well. Suffering essentially for the sake of a diagnosis doesn't seem worth it in this case. Especially since it's the whole family who is suffering, including two kids who are too young to understand why they're miserable.
Plus, definitively pulling him out for a lengthy period should reduce the sense of urgency on your part, which will result in better decision-making.
posted by SMPA at 6:01 PM on February 4, 2016
Plus, definitively pulling him out for a lengthy period should reduce the sense of urgency on your part, which will result in better decision-making.
posted by SMPA at 6:01 PM on February 4, 2016
Not a parent; only want to ask whether your son's vision and hearing have been tested, along with the other evaluations. I was (am) nearsighted, and no one figured this out until I was in kindergarten and couldn't see the chalkboard. Everyone just thought I was clumsy. That early physical inhibition, and lack of spatial awareness - related to not being able to actually see very much - set other issues in motion, I am pretty sure (e.g. delayed motor development). If your boy is bumping into other kids - and maybe not able to read and appropriately react to their facial expressions - that could set a lot of broader dynamics in motion.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:13 PM on February 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:13 PM on February 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just want to chime in mostly to say that yes, pressure to put kids in twos programs is a thing. I've gotten it from the grandparents, too, even though I wasn't in preschool until age 3.5. I think it's a combination of younger preschool becoming more normative because of daycare and more stringent academic expectations in public kindergartens, and grandparents simply forgetting at what age things happen for toddlers. My mother swears I was potty trained by 2; my baby book says otherwise.
But I agree that if your instinct is to keep him out, and it's an option, then that's one that should be followed. I know I felt a weight lift when I said to my husband, "You know what? Let's table the preschool discussion until next year."
Otherwise:
Should we be looking for a different school? His current one seems quite good in the general play as learning mode, and they seem very patient. The only other option I can think of is finding a good Montossori, but I think that teaching style could either be really good or just a total disaster for him. Waldorf looks intriguing with its emphasis on the practical but I get a dogmatic-mystic-luddite vibe from the nearby one that makes me uncomfortable, plus I'd have the same questions about whether he would thrive in that environment. Plus either of these would be difficult for us to afford.
Given the way you describe your son, I don't think Montessori would be right for him. It tends to be even more rigid. I'm put-off by the woo of Waldorf, as well. You might research Reggio Emilia schools. They're similar to Montessori, but with more space for outdoor and imaginative play. Generally, I think your kid would do best in a play-based or even cooperative school (which would likely require some level of caregiver presence). Very kinetic, active boys often don't do well in more academic programs. I'd look for a school that puts a strong emphasis on outdoor play (if they ask you to send your child in clothes that can get dirty, it's a good sign).
Personally, though, with my two year old, we're doing music together classes and a "pre-school" at our CSA with caregiver presence in place of a twos class. My instinct has just been that she's not ready for it, which feels fine. It sounds like your son is trying to tell you something. I think it's worth it to listen.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:56 AM on February 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
But I agree that if your instinct is to keep him out, and it's an option, then that's one that should be followed. I know I felt a weight lift when I said to my husband, "You know what? Let's table the preschool discussion until next year."
Otherwise:
Should we be looking for a different school? His current one seems quite good in the general play as learning mode, and they seem very patient. The only other option I can think of is finding a good Montossori, but I think that teaching style could either be really good or just a total disaster for him. Waldorf looks intriguing with its emphasis on the practical but I get a dogmatic-mystic-luddite vibe from the nearby one that makes me uncomfortable, plus I'd have the same questions about whether he would thrive in that environment. Plus either of these would be difficult for us to afford.
Given the way you describe your son, I don't think Montessori would be right for him. It tends to be even more rigid. I'm put-off by the woo of Waldorf, as well. You might research Reggio Emilia schools. They're similar to Montessori, but with more space for outdoor and imaginative play. Generally, I think your kid would do best in a play-based or even cooperative school (which would likely require some level of caregiver presence). Very kinetic, active boys often don't do well in more academic programs. I'd look for a school that puts a strong emphasis on outdoor play (if they ask you to send your child in clothes that can get dirty, it's a good sign).
Personally, though, with my two year old, we're doing music together classes and a "pre-school" at our CSA with caregiver presence in place of a twos class. My instinct has just been that she's not ready for it, which feels fine. It sounds like your son is trying to tell you something. I think it's worth it to listen.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:56 AM on February 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
I haven't started any of my kids in preschool until age 4. They've all taken to it beautifully at that age, running off to play without a backward glance. When they were 2, we did playgroups and museum memberships and library trips. It's definitely better not to force it if you don't have to; you don't want to set up an unhappy association with school.
posted by palliser at 9:26 PM on February 5, 2016
posted by palliser at 9:26 PM on February 5, 2016
Okay, I'm not a kid/preschool expert by any means, but is it possible he's being bullied there? Because he's reminding me of me and I was so bullied early on that the school decided it was my fault and I was "socially undeveloped" (you know, because I was terrified of all other children for good reason). He's literally scared to be there. I sort of wonder if changing the people he's around might help, like going to a different school.
Or then again, he could just really not be ready for socialization with other kids all day, five days a week, which sounds likely too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:12 AM on February 6, 2016
Or then again, he could just really not be ready for socialization with other kids all day, five days a week, which sounds likely too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:12 AM on February 6, 2016
Response by poster: I seriously can't thank everyone who replied enough! My husband and I have been processing all of these comments and ideas and it's really helped us regain our perspective on the value of school/staying in the system vs the value of trusting our parental instincts more.
We're going to keep pursuing evaluations and such (including an eye exam, such an excellent simple suggestion cotton dress sock, thank you!) but assuming we can make it work logistically we are going to stop sending him to school until he's older. We're thinking a year of preschool after he turns 4, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I'm not sure I'm going to mark best answers because ALL of the comments helped, so thank you all for helping us reconnect with, and trust our gut instincts, as well as the practical suggestions. I feel empowered and like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
posted by pennypiper at 11:55 AM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
We're going to keep pursuing evaluations and such (including an eye exam, such an excellent simple suggestion cotton dress sock, thank you!) but assuming we can make it work logistically we are going to stop sending him to school until he's older. We're thinking a year of preschool after he turns 4, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I'm not sure I'm going to mark best answers because ALL of the comments helped, so thank you all for helping us reconnect with, and trust our gut instincts, as well as the practical suggestions. I feel empowered and like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
posted by pennypiper at 11:55 AM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Look for different ones, but not necessarily by "type" (Montessori, Waldorf, etc.). My son with some atypical development stuff going on ended up extremely happy -- after a couple of bad fits -- in a random Methodist church preschool run by an older lady who's been doing it 35 years. It's just very low-key, no official "theory," random preschool, and it was the right number of kids in the classroom, the right sort of schedule, and the right teachers for him to be able to function happily. We've been up and down with different regular-division and special-ed classrooms since he's been in regular school, and so much of it turns out to be finding the right fit with the teacher's personality, who has not always been the specialist or the person with the most experience. I would ask on facebook -- I've always had local friends able to say, "Oh, my friend's kid had similar problems when he was 3, let me ask where she went, she loved it." And check out some of those random preschools.
"Should we pull him out and delay school for a year or more? We have a very good Nanny who I think we could keep, but it would also mean keeping his sister out of preschool until she's at least 3. "
This is also a good option. 2 is awfully young for preschool even for a lot of developmentally typical kids, and I doubt it would hurt your daughter to hang at home for an extra six months or year.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:16 AM on February 4, 2016 [13 favorites]