Is it a good idea to tell the women I date that I've never been kissed?
February 3, 2016 11:16 AM Subscribe
My first question was about my sexual inexperience. Most of you said that I should be open about it. Would that apply to kissing as well?
I know this probably sounds like a make-believe story but I've never been kissed before. By kissing I mean kissing on the lips. I used to live in Serbia where people would greet each other with kisses on the cheeks.
I know that's ridiculous for a 27 year old man but unfortunately it is where I am at the moment.
So if I end up dating a woman should I mention this little fact? Or is it better to just fake it till I make it or whatever the saying is?
I know this probably sounds like a make-believe story but I've never been kissed before. By kissing I mean kissing on the lips. I used to live in Serbia where people would greet each other with kisses on the cheeks.
I know that's ridiculous for a 27 year old man but unfortunately it is where I am at the moment.
So if I end up dating a woman should I mention this little fact? Or is it better to just fake it till I make it or whatever the saying is?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
No, don't bother.
Plenty of people who have kissed tons of people are totally lousy at kissing. And plenty of people who have kissed zero people are great. Kissing is extremely variable in preference and style and is the sort of thing that changes depending on who you're kissing. No one will ever know if you don't tell them.
You can, if you want to share, of course, but it's just a few inches of distance different from something you've done tons of times; there's no big secret to disclose.
posted by phunniemee at 11:22 AM on February 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
Plenty of people who have kissed tons of people are totally lousy at kissing. And plenty of people who have kissed zero people are great. Kissing is extremely variable in preference and style and is the sort of thing that changes depending on who you're kissing. No one will ever know if you don't tell them.
You can, if you want to share, of course, but it's just a few inches of distance different from something you've done tons of times; there's no big secret to disclose.
posted by phunniemee at 11:22 AM on February 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
No, don't mention it.
posted by amro at 11:23 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 11:23 AM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't bring it up, but I think if things get serious with someone later, this is the kind of thing you should be able to comfortably tell them about. In a good relationship you can bring up something like that without worrying about judgment.
posted by three_red_balloons at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't mention it, and I wouldn't worry about it either.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:32 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:32 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
The first-first is overrated. Every first kiss with someone you care for is nerve-wracking and lovely, even if unskilled. The first woman you kiss will feel it - but if you do it right, every subsequent first kiss with every subsequent woman you care for will feel just as special.
Don't bring it up though. As the old guy on the porch said to George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, "why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?"
posted by headnsouth at 11:35 AM on February 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Don't bring it up though. As the old guy on the porch said to George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, "why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?"
posted by headnsouth at 11:35 AM on February 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Hmm... I mainly disagree with the above advice, but only because a good kiss is REALLY important to me. Like, really important.
I stopped seeing a guy because he was a bad kisser - it was awful. But in hindsight, I now wish I had told him about it and worked with him to improve his technique. Alas, I was young and naïve. Plus, what works for me might not necessarily work for everyone!
I don't necessarily think you have to tell someone you've never had a proper kiss before, but after you've had your first kiss, you could gauge the other person's reaction.
There really is no shame is saying something along the lines of "I'm fairly inexperienced in this area, but I really enjoyed kissing you - what's your favourite way to be kissed"? And then you can begin a beautiful collaboration of learning the best way to kiss.
I don't know, I think it's a shame that people can't be more honest about these things. If someone likes you enough to kiss you, it should be ok to have this kind of a conversation with them!
posted by JenThePro at 11:35 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I stopped seeing a guy because he was a bad kisser - it was awful. But in hindsight, I now wish I had told him about it and worked with him to improve his technique. Alas, I was young and naïve. Plus, what works for me might not necessarily work for everyone!
I don't necessarily think you have to tell someone you've never had a proper kiss before, but after you've had your first kiss, you could gauge the other person's reaction.
There really is no shame is saying something along the lines of "I'm fairly inexperienced in this area, but I really enjoyed kissing you - what's your favourite way to be kissed"? And then you can begin a beautiful collaboration of learning the best way to kiss.
I don't know, I think it's a shame that people can't be more honest about these things. If someone likes you enough to kiss you, it should be ok to have this kind of a conversation with them!
posted by JenThePro at 11:35 AM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Absolutely tell her.
It will nearly guarantee you will get kissed, thereby providing you with one of life's pleasures, and ultimately liberate you from this bit of burden.
posted by Tanzanite at 11:45 AM on February 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
It will nearly guarantee you will get kissed, thereby providing you with one of life's pleasures, and ultimately liberate you from this bit of burden.
posted by Tanzanite at 11:45 AM on February 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I mean this in the most benign, friendly, supportive way possible, but maybe what would be good for you would be to put the energy you're devoting to hand-wringing over how you would potentially react with women on a date into meeting people and just see where that goes. Not even into specifically finding a date, just meeting people and increasing the size of your social circle.
That works better, imo.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:47 AM on February 3, 2016 [32 favorites]
That works better, imo.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:47 AM on February 3, 2016 [32 favorites]
Yeah, go ahead and tell her. I honestly wait for the guy to initiate kissing, so she might get confused if she's like me.
Also, if you aren't a decent kisser at first, then she knows why and that you can improve and will with more experience---possibly with her. Also, making out is so fun.
There's nothing to beat yourself up about re the whole being 27 and never having kissed anyone. It is what it is and you just have to focus on being a fun person to be around on a date.
And your date is most likely to sympathize with you anyway. Women are super nice, almost to our own detriment because we sometimes empathize so much that we end up sacrificing our own needs to make another person feel good. And if she really likes you and finds you attractive, it won't be a problem at all for her.
Just relax and don't be weird about it. Just be like all adorable and like "I really want to kiss you, but I haven't kissed a lot of girls (or it's been a long time since I've kissed anyone or wanted to kiss anyone). Is it okay if I kiss you?" Omg, how cute is that? She'll adore you.
(Man, I'm smooth AF. You are welcome.)
posted by discopolo at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, if you aren't a decent kisser at first, then she knows why and that you can improve and will with more experience---possibly with her. Also, making out is so fun.
There's nothing to beat yourself up about re the whole being 27 and never having kissed anyone. It is what it is and you just have to focus on being a fun person to be around on a date.
And your date is most likely to sympathize with you anyway. Women are super nice, almost to our own detriment because we sometimes empathize so much that we end up sacrificing our own needs to make another person feel good. And if she really likes you and finds you attractive, it won't be a problem at all for her.
Just relax and don't be weird about it. Just be like all adorable and like "I really want to kiss you, but I haven't kissed a lot of girls (or it's been a long time since I've kissed anyone or wanted to kiss anyone). Is it okay if I kiss you?" Omg, how cute is that? She'll adore you.
(Man, I'm smooth AF. You are welcome.)
posted by discopolo at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is the third question you've asked related to lack of experience with physical intimacy. It seems like you're hurting.
I know that "just relax" is a lot easier said than done, but truly, you don't owe people explanations about any inexperience. Do YOU think it would make YOU feel better to tell? If so, then sure.
I know this probably sounds like a make-believe story but I've never been kissed before. ... I know that's ridiculous for a 27 year old man but unfortunately it is where I am at the moment.
It seems like everyone in the world has had this experience except you, but i's just not true. There are plenty of awesome people who haven't been kissed by 27 and go on to have sexually fulfilling and happy relationships.
Are there people in your life you can talk with about this? Friends, family, even a therapist? You seem lonely and I'm not sure whether it's just for physical intimacy or social closeness in general.
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 12:27 PM on February 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
I know that "just relax" is a lot easier said than done, but truly, you don't owe people explanations about any inexperience. Do YOU think it would make YOU feel better to tell? If so, then sure.
I know this probably sounds like a make-believe story but I've never been kissed before. ... I know that's ridiculous for a 27 year old man but unfortunately it is where I am at the moment.
It seems like everyone in the world has had this experience except you, but i's just not true. There are plenty of awesome people who haven't been kissed by 27 and go on to have sexually fulfilling and happy relationships.
Are there people in your life you can talk with about this? Friends, family, even a therapist? You seem lonely and I'm not sure whether it's just for physical intimacy or social closeness in general.
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 12:27 PM on February 3, 2016 [12 favorites]
Please, for the love of god, don't be coy and assume that the revelation will get you kissed. Don't go into it with that hope or assumption. It's gross and unfair and manipulative.
If you want to tell for the sake of being honest, by all means go for it. Truthfully, some people will be weirded out if you tell them you've never been kissed (I wouldn't be, FWIW) and you can then adjust your interactions with those people accordingly. But you really don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Nowhere in your question do you state your preferences. If you want to be 100% honest, then do that. If you don't, don't.
It seems as if you've built up these huge expectations and you're so, so worried that you're going to do it all wrong. Just...try not to do that. I know it's easier said than done. But your anxiety comes through loud and clear. It would be super helpful for you if you had someone in your life you could hash this stuff out with.
posted by cooker girl at 1:07 PM on February 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
If you want to tell for the sake of being honest, by all means go for it. Truthfully, some people will be weirded out if you tell them you've never been kissed (I wouldn't be, FWIW) and you can then adjust your interactions with those people accordingly. But you really don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Nowhere in your question do you state your preferences. If you want to be 100% honest, then do that. If you don't, don't.
It seems as if you've built up these huge expectations and you're so, so worried that you're going to do it all wrong. Just...try not to do that. I know it's easier said than done. But your anxiety comes through loud and clear. It would be super helpful for you if you had someone in your life you could hash this stuff out with.
posted by cooker girl at 1:07 PM on February 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
Don't tell her before, especially *right* before. Kiss her and then, maaaybe, let her know she was your first kiss. Look her right in the eyes and smile as you say it. If you handle it right -- saying it without embarrassment and not apologizing, I think it would be very sweet.
But seriously, I know this all seems like a huge deal to you right now, but I promise (as has everyone who has answered this and your previous questions) working yourself up about this is not going to help you -- it's going to make any steps you take feel agonizingly awkward and may block you from having a real, genuine moment of connection with another human. Which is the whole point of the kissings and the sexy times :)
Possibly if you stop viewing this as a series of hoops to jump through it will help: people who engage with you physically want to be seen for who they are, not as a generalization. Focus on being genuinely interested in and engaged with someone *as a person*, instead of as tools to help you reach your goal. Maybe I'm off-base with that insight, and if so, please disregard.
Really, best of luck. I bet you'll look back on all this in five years and smile.
posted by ananci at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
But seriously, I know this all seems like a huge deal to you right now, but I promise (as has everyone who has answered this and your previous questions) working yourself up about this is not going to help you -- it's going to make any steps you take feel agonizingly awkward and may block you from having a real, genuine moment of connection with another human. Which is the whole point of the kissings and the sexy times :)
Possibly if you stop viewing this as a series of hoops to jump through it will help: people who engage with you physically want to be seen for who they are, not as a generalization. Focus on being genuinely interested in and engaged with someone *as a person*, instead of as tools to help you reach your goal. Maybe I'm off-base with that insight, and if so, please disregard.
Really, best of luck. I bet you'll look back on all this in five years and smile.
posted by ananci at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Practice kissing the back or the side of your hand, or fingers. If it feels good to you, it will feel good to her. You'll be ready.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:37 PM on February 3, 2016
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:37 PM on February 3, 2016
It is not necessary to lay bare all of your anxieties and doubts and perceived shortcomings to every stranger you meet. It is not, in fact, wise to do so. And truly, any woman you are getting to know is basically a stranger. So just as I wouldn't tell someone I didn't know on the bus all about my issues with my mother, I would allow time for intimacy with a romantic interest--both physical and emotional.
Basically, I feel like if you mention it, you're doing so to have them validate you and assure you that you're ok. You're putting a burden on someone else to make you feel better about something. That's pretty presumptuous, and would make many people feel uncomfortable.
posted by danny the boy at 5:15 PM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Basically, I feel like if you mention it, you're doing so to have them validate you and assure you that you're ok. You're putting a burden on someone else to make you feel better about something. That's pretty presumptuous, and would make many people feel uncomfortable.
posted by danny the boy at 5:15 PM on February 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
No need to disclose it (there's no way she can tell) but if you want to, I'd do it after the kiss and in a very nonchalant and casual way like you're not ashamed about it at all and that it just hasn't happened for you bc you haven't found the right person to share that first kiss with. I was also a late bloomer, shy towards guys, fearful of intimacy and having chosen to focus on school rather than dating. I also felt ashamed that I'd never had my first kiss yet so chose to force it and at 21 or 22 I accepted this guy's proposal to date me (when I had no interest in him romantically but he was a nice guy and not bad looking) and allowed him to kiss me to just get it out of the way and it was a bad sloppy kiss and not a pleasant experience. Honestly I really regretted it and would've rather waited for someone that I actually liked romantically to share that first kiss with instead of succumbing to my own self imposed pressure to be "normal". I also lost my virginity fairly late at 25 and never told my ex BF about my inexperience until a year afterwards and so he didn't believe me at first since I kinda "faked" experience by researching porn lol. I know it's hard to not let it get to you bc you feel so out of place, believe me I've been there. I used to dread truth or dare games bc I was afraid if I picked truth someone was going to ask me if I've ever been kissed or intimate with someone. Honesty it's only a big deal if you allow it to be. Stay true to yourself. It just hasn't happened to you yet which is perfectly alright and will happen in due time and when you look back you'll realize you shouldn't have been so self conscious about it afterall.
posted by CheeseAndRice at 11:22 PM on February 3, 2016
posted by CheeseAndRice at 11:22 PM on February 3, 2016
This depends on whether or not the person you want to kiss is a nice person. I know someone above said that women are nice people but that's not always the case. There are women who will be put off by inexperience (some women have an image of what a masculine man is meant to be and that won't be it) and others who are going to respond to you in an 'awww' sort of way which you may find infantilising but it won't necessarily be rejection. If it isn't, enjoy the practice. Assuming you are dating nice women, I would still kiss first then if it doesn't feel nice maybe mention your inexperience.
Remember, she might also be a bad kisser or have only kissed bad kissers and so she might not know there's anything 'wrong'. You're not really going to know.
Sometimes I wish the world's best kissers would start a kissing club to set a standard across the universe so that we all know.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 4:37 AM on February 4, 2016
Remember, she might also be a bad kisser or have only kissed bad kissers and so she might not know there's anything 'wrong'. You're not really going to know.
Sometimes I wish the world's best kissers would start a kissing club to set a standard across the universe so that we all know.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 4:37 AM on February 4, 2016
Don't look at porn. Find a woman that you think you might like to kiss, tell her you have no experience, and ask her to teach you. You will get much further with that line than dinner and a movie. Feel free to use it several times, as everyone seems to kiss different.
posted by myselfasme at 4:38 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 4:38 AM on February 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't it's necessary to disclose, especially if you are kissing on the 2nd or 3rd date as often happens. Later on, sure - but it's a revelation that lets her get to know you know, it's not so much about what she should expect or something you owe her.
I think it's more important to be receptive to her preferences - once you've had the first kiss you can ask her to show you how she likes to kiss.
posted by bunderful at 5:19 AM on February 4, 2016
I think it's more important to be receptive to her preferences - once you've had the first kiss you can ask her to show you how she likes to kiss.
posted by bunderful at 5:19 AM on February 4, 2016
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