Need plan to survive new job, long commute, dad in hospice
February 2, 2016 11:43 AM Subscribe
Dearest hive mind, kindly help me prepare a self-care kit or make survival plans for what will probably be the most brutal 6 months I have had in years. The good news: I have finally landed work. The bad news: My dad is in hospice out of state, my new contract job is 40 hours per week at the end of a long commute on one of those hated corporate buses that pick up workers in San Francisco and drop them off in Silicon Valley. Details below.
I haven't worked full time for 9 months. Most of my adult life has been as a freelancer. With only one month's rent left in my bank account, I've been offered a contract job 40 miles or so away. I am thrilled to get this work, which pays well, and horrified to get this work because: 1. It will be hard on my body and spirit because of the long hours (which I'm not used to) and long commute and 2. My dad is in hospice care out of state. I saw him for two weeks after Christmas and I'm flying out to see him later this week, before my contract starts. I am his main emotional support.
I don't want to screw up this job. I don't want to merely survive, ideally I'd like to thrive. Still, I have ADHD, I tend to forget to take care of myself, and I don't have any good Plan B if I screw up this opportunity. Mind you, I'm good at what I'm being hired to do. But focusing for long periods and maintaining high energy are not my strengths. Finally, if it matters, I think of myself as a gregarious introvert. I'm friendly and enjoy talking to people but need to recharge alone afterwards. Kindly give me all you've got on the health, emotional, physical, mental, family, grief, love, relationship, whatever fronts to help make the transition from unemployed me with a dying dad to employed me with a dying dad successful. Thanks!
I haven't worked full time for 9 months. Most of my adult life has been as a freelancer. With only one month's rent left in my bank account, I've been offered a contract job 40 miles or so away. I am thrilled to get this work, which pays well, and horrified to get this work because: 1. It will be hard on my body and spirit because of the long hours (which I'm not used to) and long commute and 2. My dad is in hospice care out of state. I saw him for two weeks after Christmas and I'm flying out to see him later this week, before my contract starts. I am his main emotional support.
I don't want to screw up this job. I don't want to merely survive, ideally I'd like to thrive. Still, I have ADHD, I tend to forget to take care of myself, and I don't have any good Plan B if I screw up this opportunity. Mind you, I'm good at what I'm being hired to do. But focusing for long periods and maintaining high energy are not my strengths. Finally, if it matters, I think of myself as a gregarious introvert. I'm friendly and enjoy talking to people but need to recharge alone afterwards. Kindly give me all you've got on the health, emotional, physical, mental, family, grief, love, relationship, whatever fronts to help make the transition from unemployed me with a dying dad to employed me with a dying dad successful. Thanks!
I would try to make the commute work as alone-time. I don't know if I *could*, it depends on the noise and jostleness, but I'd try really good headphones, maybe an eyemask and neck pillow, soothing music that I only play at the beginning of each ride.
Commiserations. And congratulations on the job.
posted by clew at 12:09 PM on February 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Commiserations. And congratulations on the job.
posted by clew at 12:09 PM on February 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your dad wants you to do well after he's gone. (You can ask him but I'm sure that's what he will say.)
Prepare yourself for the sad fact that you probably won't be able to spend the amount of time with him that you might otherwise have. This is because you just managed to do some first-class adulting in scoring the job. You can't serve two masters -- the job/commute and your feeling that your dad needs you physically present as much as possible. Your dad will be gone soon. Your need to make a living for yourself won't be.
One note I might make is that sometimes the frequent or continual presence of a loved one makes it harder for the dying person to make the break. Since my mom died I have heard a lot of stories of people who stay by the bedside of the dying person for days, get up to go to the bathroom one day, and when they come back the person's gone.
I'm not an Ayn Rand fan but I do love one of her book's titles: "We The Living." Keep that in mind.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 12:43 PM on February 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
Prepare yourself for the sad fact that you probably won't be able to spend the amount of time with him that you might otherwise have. This is because you just managed to do some first-class adulting in scoring the job. You can't serve two masters -- the job/commute and your feeling that your dad needs you physically present as much as possible. Your dad will be gone soon. Your need to make a living for yourself won't be.
One note I might make is that sometimes the frequent or continual presence of a loved one makes it harder for the dying person to make the break. Since my mom died I have heard a lot of stories of people who stay by the bedside of the dying person for days, get up to go to the bathroom one day, and when they come back the person's gone.
I'm not an Ayn Rand fan but I do love one of her book's titles: "We The Living." Keep that in mind.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 12:43 PM on February 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry about your dad, and congrats on your new job. I have a really demanding job and have been struggling with awful panic attacks for the past six months or so, and have been taking self-care very seriously as a result. You're so smart to be thinking about this upfront. Here's some of the stuff i'd recommend based on my own experience:
* For maintaining high energy, I've found that cutting out both processed sugar and caffeine has made a tremendous difference to my energy levels during the day. I don't have that same peak-crash-peak-crash cycle and just generally feel so much more levelled out and energetic.
* I found Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart really helpful to read - she's a western buddhist and the book is short chapters on how to handle really difficult periods in your life. It could be a great read on your commute.
* I also do 10 minutes of progressive muscle relaxation every day. Between the new job and your father you'll probably store up a lot of tension, and i find this exercise works really well to help me release that tension and let my body really relax. I do it right before I go to sleep.
* I agree with bookdragoness - now is definitely a great time to get someone to help you clean your house, cook food, whatever makes it easier. If you have a support network of friends near you, maybe give them a head's up that popping by with healthy food and a shoulder to cry on would be greatly appreciated in the months ahead.
posted by ukdanae at 12:49 PM on February 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
* For maintaining high energy, I've found that cutting out both processed sugar and caffeine has made a tremendous difference to my energy levels during the day. I don't have that same peak-crash-peak-crash cycle and just generally feel so much more levelled out and energetic.
* I found Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart really helpful to read - she's a western buddhist and the book is short chapters on how to handle really difficult periods in your life. It could be a great read on your commute.
* I also do 10 minutes of progressive muscle relaxation every day. Between the new job and your father you'll probably store up a lot of tension, and i find this exercise works really well to help me release that tension and let my body really relax. I do it right before I go to sleep.
* I agree with bookdragoness - now is definitely a great time to get someone to help you clean your house, cook food, whatever makes it easier. If you have a support network of friends near you, maybe give them a head's up that popping by with healthy food and a shoulder to cry on would be greatly appreciated in the months ahead.
posted by ukdanae at 12:49 PM on February 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
I have a 2-hour commute -- each way -- every day on mass transit. It's honestly not that bad because I'm not driving, and most of that time is on one train. I sleep in the mornings with an alarm on my phone to wake me before my stop. On the rides home, I watch Netflix/Youtube/AmazonPrime and do a lot of social networking with friends via Facebook/Instagram, etc.
People think I am nuts for spending 4 hours a day commuting, but the job is so worth it. I am ecstatic that I don't drive for more than 10 minutes now, which is my drive from home to the train station. I have good headphones and listen to great, beat-driven music on the parts of the commute when I'm walking (to and from trains, subways and my building) and the music gets me jazzed every morning.
I keep mostly to my sleep schedule on weekends, which means even on weekends I am up before the sun and getting my chores done -- cleaning, laundry, and lots of cooking of things that can quickly be heated up during the week. I get it done so I can enjoy the other hours of the weekend. The crock pot has saved me and my husband, who also is busy. We leave the crock pot on low for up to 10 hours/day and never worry about burning the house down, so don't worry about that. I have about 5 friends that I make sure I see on a regular basis to keep me laughing and sane, and that honestly takes effort -- everyone is busy and I don't mind being the one to reach out to keep the connections strong.
Granted, we don't have the added stress of an ailing parent, but I can relate to the commute. Use that time to tune out the world. You'll find everyone else on that bus/train/whatever is also trying to get some quality me time and no one is going to be offended if you throw on a sleep mask and catch some naps.
posted by archimago at 1:04 PM on February 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
People think I am nuts for spending 4 hours a day commuting, but the job is so worth it. I am ecstatic that I don't drive for more than 10 minutes now, which is my drive from home to the train station. I have good headphones and listen to great, beat-driven music on the parts of the commute when I'm walking (to and from trains, subways and my building) and the music gets me jazzed every morning.
I keep mostly to my sleep schedule on weekends, which means even on weekends I am up before the sun and getting my chores done -- cleaning, laundry, and lots of cooking of things that can quickly be heated up during the week. I get it done so I can enjoy the other hours of the weekend. The crock pot has saved me and my husband, who also is busy. We leave the crock pot on low for up to 10 hours/day and never worry about burning the house down, so don't worry about that. I have about 5 friends that I make sure I see on a regular basis to keep me laughing and sane, and that honestly takes effort -- everyone is busy and I don't mind being the one to reach out to keep the connections strong.
Granted, we don't have the added stress of an ailing parent, but I can relate to the commute. Use that time to tune out the world. You'll find everyone else on that bus/train/whatever is also trying to get some quality me time and no one is going to be offended if you throw on a sleep mask and catch some naps.
posted by archimago at 1:04 PM on February 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do you think there's a possibility of asking to work remotely? How long ago have you worked in this job? Do any other employees work remotely sometimes? Has your job performance been good so far? I think you could ask to work remotely sometimes so you can either be with your dad or simply to give yourself a rest IF 1) your job performance is good 2) your performance won't suffer while you're gone and 3) this is something your company is amenable to. It's hard to ask for that right away, but I also think you can't wait too long to ask for things sometimes because it's good to set expectations and perceptions of you meeting consistent expectations early.
I permanently work remotely but I needed to convince my office that it was important for my productivity and retaining me at the company, and would also benefit them via my hours of availability. I also had to specify some benchmarks for success so we can establish I am meeting performance standards whilst working remotely and agree that I would fly out to HQ on my own dime if necessary, or cancel the remote agreement if I wasn't meeting my work obligations.
Is your commute by driving or public transit? I think public transit, although it takes longer, at least gives you time to do stuff on your laptop/phone, so you could try to maximize the commute time to get stuff done, like have regular chats with your dad.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:14 PM on February 2, 2016
I permanently work remotely but I needed to convince my office that it was important for my productivity and retaining me at the company, and would also benefit them via my hours of availability. I also had to specify some benchmarks for success so we can establish I am meeting performance standards whilst working remotely and agree that I would fly out to HQ on my own dime if necessary, or cancel the remote agreement if I wasn't meeting my work obligations.
Is your commute by driving or public transit? I think public transit, although it takes longer, at least gives you time to do stuff on your laptop/phone, so you could try to maximize the commute time to get stuff done, like have regular chats with your dad.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:14 PM on February 2, 2016
Best answer: I'm sorry about your father, what a tough thing.
A couple of things to add to the great advice above:
- Is your ADHD being effectively treated? Getting your symptoms well-managed through meds is certainly something to consider. It can make things in your life seem way less overwhelming and it can help you be more efficient. If it's been awhile since you've had an evaluation, go see a specialist and see if there's anything that could be improved.
- That nightmare bus ride could be a dreamy bus ride with the right approach. You know what's nightmarish? Having to drive yourself on a harrowing commute. Use the bus ride to rest and relax and do some self-care. Get some great, noise-cancelling headphones, pack a luxurious shawl, listen to music or audiobooks or guided meditations, bring a sleep mask, and use this time to relax and unwind. Don't use the bus time to work. Use it to restore yourself.
- Build self-care into your life. A standing massage appointment, a meal delivery service, housekeeper, therapist, standing movie date, whatever. Make certain things automatic so that you know your needs are being cared for in a regular manner.
posted by quince at 1:41 PM on February 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
A couple of things to add to the great advice above:
- Is your ADHD being effectively treated? Getting your symptoms well-managed through meds is certainly something to consider. It can make things in your life seem way less overwhelming and it can help you be more efficient. If it's been awhile since you've had an evaluation, go see a specialist and see if there's anything that could be improved.
- That nightmare bus ride could be a dreamy bus ride with the right approach. You know what's nightmarish? Having to drive yourself on a harrowing commute. Use the bus ride to rest and relax and do some self-care. Get some great, noise-cancelling headphones, pack a luxurious shawl, listen to music or audiobooks or guided meditations, bring a sleep mask, and use this time to relax and unwind. Don't use the bus time to work. Use it to restore yourself.
- Build self-care into your life. A standing massage appointment, a meal delivery service, housekeeper, therapist, standing movie date, whatever. Make certain things automatic so that you know your needs are being cared for in a regular manner.
posted by quince at 1:41 PM on February 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh man, get a cleaning service. This is my general go-to self-care suggestion. MeMail me if you need a rec for a service in SF.
posted by radioamy at 1:45 PM on February 2, 2016
posted by radioamy at 1:45 PM on February 2, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks for the great suggestions, keep 'em coming. Don't mean to thread sit, just want to clarify: Have not yet started this contract position; remote work literally not possible due to nature of work; my dad is in another state so chatting via phone, yes. Frequent visits? Unlikely.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:20 PM on February 2, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 2:20 PM on February 2, 2016
For some of these places, getting on the bus (where you have wifi and everything you need) counts as work time. Is that the case for you? That could help a lot, so you could still get home at a normal-ish time.
posted by three_red_balloons at 3:49 PM on February 2, 2016
posted by three_red_balloons at 3:49 PM on February 2, 2016
I'm going through a similar stressful period. This might be oversimplifying but Amazon's Prime Now is saving my sanity. In the six minutes each day I have to think about the things I need, I can go onto the site and order some (marginally healthy) frozen dinners and cleaning supplies so I don't waste time in line at the stores.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:51 PM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by nubianinthedesert at 3:51 PM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you have a freezer, cook now. Stack as much pre-made in there as you can so when you get home you can just grab something (put it in the fridge the night before/a whole week's worth to make it easier). That or prep on sundays - friends of mine who live alone/cook for one do that and after a while have their week meal prep done in 60 minutes or so. I find that harder in summer but frozen steam vegetables work okay - I just prefer salads and there's no way they survive a week BUT broccoli does so I do salads with that instead.
One of my all-time favourite resources for the 'oh shit how to adult' days is my friend JSA Lowe's essay on "How to Be Seriously Mentally Interesting" which does deal with things a little more serious in terms of mental illness but not in scope I think, given what you're facing.
Work out your mission critical and prioritise them. Work out now, not in crisis, what you can mechanise and habituate and streamline. I have a 'uniform' now, so most mornings there's no thought about clothing, just grab a shirt and pants/skirt/leggings and out the door (my hair is too short to style). Enough of them to go a week without laundry. I buy the biggest amount of infinite shelf life consumables I can (shampoo/conditioner/toothpaste/toilet paper) or multiples. I make sure to tell myself that I HAVE to prioritise things so it's okay that I buy muesli bars instead of making them, eat take out once a week, buy my hommous, all of that stuff isn't organic, things like that.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:14 PM on February 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
One of my all-time favourite resources for the 'oh shit how to adult' days is my friend JSA Lowe's essay on "How to Be Seriously Mentally Interesting" which does deal with things a little more serious in terms of mental illness but not in scope I think, given what you're facing.
Welcome to your new mantra: Whatever works. It doesn’t have to be pretty, sexy, popular with everyone, officially-approved-of, or how you’d live your life normally. This is Whatever It Takes to Get Through the Night. This is: Live Through This.
3. Further to that end, try to establish what’s mission critical...
...
7. Mission critical: very simple things to eat.
...
Sleep is mission critical. Sleep is non-negotiable.
Work out your mission critical and prioritise them. Work out now, not in crisis, what you can mechanise and habituate and streamline. I have a 'uniform' now, so most mornings there's no thought about clothing, just grab a shirt and pants/skirt/leggings and out the door (my hair is too short to style). Enough of them to go a week without laundry. I buy the biggest amount of infinite shelf life consumables I can (shampoo/conditioner/toothpaste/toilet paper) or multiples. I make sure to tell myself that I HAVE to prioritise things so it's okay that I buy muesli bars instead of making them, eat take out once a week, buy my hommous, all of that stuff isn't organic, things like that.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:14 PM on February 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds like a very hard place to be.
My advice would be to focus on your job in order to take care of your fundamental
economic needs, to give yourself permission to do that, and to delegate if possible to a relative or caregiver to be responsible for the daily tracking of your dad's wellness, and with all that, then do the best you can for your dad within the limitations and rewuirements of your own basic needs.
I mean, if you had a stable job with leave, or a 12 month economic cushion, it would be different, but you've got one month's rent in the bank, so I think you have to take care of yourself, and work within that constraint.
posted by zippy at 8:41 PM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
My advice would be to focus on your job in order to take care of your fundamental
economic needs, to give yourself permission to do that, and to delegate if possible to a relative or caregiver to be responsible for the daily tracking of your dad's wellness, and with all that, then do the best you can for your dad within the limitations and rewuirements of your own basic needs.
I mean, if you had a stable job with leave, or a 12 month economic cushion, it would be different, but you've got one month's rent in the bank, so I think you have to take care of yourself, and work within that constraint.
posted by zippy at 8:41 PM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Does your dad have email? use some of your bus time to write him a letter everyday. Even if it's just talking about random things that happened to you each day, the daily, low-key connection will be good for both of you.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:09 PM on February 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:09 PM on February 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Another vote for reframing the bus ride in your head. A bus that takes you from near your house directly to work is awesome. A bus that does that and is guaranteed to not have people being ridiculous on it is like, double awesome.
Driving sucks when it's commuting. Especially in the morning. Having a direct route and having someone else do it is amazing.
Listen to podcasts. Read. Listen to new music every week.
A nice direct bus commute is great. It's better than walking to work because there's less potential to run in to random people who could be stressful(screaming hobos, assholes, etc). Hell since its only people going to your work, you could set a phone alarm, bring a sleeping mask, and just sleep more in the morning! Or take a nap on the way home! I'm almost positive there's location based notification/alarm apps too.
I can't help with the rest of the stuff, but that commute sounds awesome. The worst part of it sounds like walking to the pickup spot. I freaking walk to work every day and I'm jealous.
Definitely make sure that's chill out time, not work time.
posted by emptythought at 12:20 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Driving sucks when it's commuting. Especially in the morning. Having a direct route and having someone else do it is amazing.
Listen to podcasts. Read. Listen to new music every week.
A nice direct bus commute is great. It's better than walking to work because there's less potential to run in to random people who could be stressful(screaming hobos, assholes, etc). Hell since its only people going to your work, you could set a phone alarm, bring a sleeping mask, and just sleep more in the morning! Or take a nap on the way home! I'm almost positive there's location based notification/alarm apps too.
I can't help with the rest of the stuff, but that commute sounds awesome. The worst part of it sounds like walking to the pickup spot. I freaking walk to work every day and I'm jealous.
Definitely make sure that's chill out time, not work time.
posted by emptythought at 12:20 PM on February 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
* Hire out adulting and/or pre-prep so when you're tired or have decision fatigue you have a safety net.
* Prep foods, especially freeze-able portions and/or weekend preps (including snacks for work!)
* Have a plan for cleaning and keeping things clean - can you hire a housekeeping service?
* Work social maintenance into your commute - I used that time for phone calls to parents and relatives so I saved home-time for relaxation
posted by bookdragoness at 12:00 PM on February 2, 2016 [2 favorites]