A bird and a fish may love each other....
February 1, 2016 9:08 AM Subscribe
I think my living space is making me miserable. How can I figure it out and how do I cope in the meantime?
This summer, I moved in with my boyfriend and his (male) roommate into a loft-style apartment. Boyfriend has lived there about 10 years and operates a recording studio/practice space there. Roommate has been there about 3 years.
I am unhappy there because:
1) Lack of privacy - the walls are thin/non-existent because it's a loft. Also, boyfriend & roommate have band practice up to three times a week (three different bands) so there are people in and out of the space. They're not strangers, I know them well, but I work with people all day at work, I want to be able to come home and be by myself.
2) Lack of "my space" - I don't have my "own" space to have to myself. I share a room with my bf, obviously. Roommate has his own room. Boyfriend has his music studio to work. I have a corner by the kitchen to do things, but it's out in the open and I feel exposed. I stay in my room during band practice, but there are no windows and it shares a wall with the music studio, so I can hear everything, even with headphones.
3) Sharing everything & planning my life around 2 other people - I'm in my 30s and I've had many different living configurations (living with roommates, living alone, living with partner), but this is the weirdest one. I've never lived with a roommate AND a partner at the same time and I've never lived with a male roommate. It makes things sharing the bathroom, meal planning, having alone time, etc. very difficult. I'm just really unhappy and I don't know what the solution is, besides moving out, which I don't want to do. My boyfriend and I are living together so that we can save money and buy a house. But even the house search is difficult because he wants to have a space for his music studio and he's very particular about it and I don't want it in the house, so we're trying to find a happy compromise.
My boyfriend has been wonderful and has tried to make the space "our space" instead of "his space". He knows my concerns. I just feel defeated when I look forward to coming home and cooking to relieve stress and the kitchen is in use or a mess. Or when there are people coming in and out of the apartment when I just want to sit quietly and paint without being disturbed. Honestly, I really feel like I'm a nag, like I'm disrupting this good thing that my bf and his roommate had going on. They had this great bachelor pad musical paradise and now I've moved in and want to change things and that makes me feel guilty.
I knew what I was getting into, but when I moved in, I was more involved in music than my bf was. Now he's in three bands and I'm in none (because I needed a break) and now I can't get away from music. It surrounds me and makes me bitter and angry and sad. For the past few months, I've just been falling down this spiral of angst and despair. I've tried to spend more time outside of the apartment and spend time with friends, but I just want to be in my own home sometimes and now all I do when I get home is drink and watch Netflix until I pass out so I stop feeling so many feels.
I'm actively looking for a therapist. I'm considering moving out and breaking up with my bf entirely, but again, I'd rather not. But I'd rather not lose my liver and my mind.
This summer, I moved in with my boyfriend and his (male) roommate into a loft-style apartment. Boyfriend has lived there about 10 years and operates a recording studio/practice space there. Roommate has been there about 3 years.
I am unhappy there because:
1) Lack of privacy - the walls are thin/non-existent because it's a loft. Also, boyfriend & roommate have band practice up to three times a week (three different bands) so there are people in and out of the space. They're not strangers, I know them well, but I work with people all day at work, I want to be able to come home and be by myself.
2) Lack of "my space" - I don't have my "own" space to have to myself. I share a room with my bf, obviously. Roommate has his own room. Boyfriend has his music studio to work. I have a corner by the kitchen to do things, but it's out in the open and I feel exposed. I stay in my room during band practice, but there are no windows and it shares a wall with the music studio, so I can hear everything, even with headphones.
3) Sharing everything & planning my life around 2 other people - I'm in my 30s and I've had many different living configurations (living with roommates, living alone, living with partner), but this is the weirdest one. I've never lived with a roommate AND a partner at the same time and I've never lived with a male roommate. It makes things sharing the bathroom, meal planning, having alone time, etc. very difficult. I'm just really unhappy and I don't know what the solution is, besides moving out, which I don't want to do. My boyfriend and I are living together so that we can save money and buy a house. But even the house search is difficult because he wants to have a space for his music studio and he's very particular about it and I don't want it in the house, so we're trying to find a happy compromise.
My boyfriend has been wonderful and has tried to make the space "our space" instead of "his space". He knows my concerns. I just feel defeated when I look forward to coming home and cooking to relieve stress and the kitchen is in use or a mess. Or when there are people coming in and out of the apartment when I just want to sit quietly and paint without being disturbed. Honestly, I really feel like I'm a nag, like I'm disrupting this good thing that my bf and his roommate had going on. They had this great bachelor pad musical paradise and now I've moved in and want to change things and that makes me feel guilty.
I knew what I was getting into, but when I moved in, I was more involved in music than my bf was. Now he's in three bands and I'm in none (because I needed a break) and now I can't get away from music. It surrounds me and makes me bitter and angry and sad. For the past few months, I've just been falling down this spiral of angst and despair. I've tried to spend more time outside of the apartment and spend time with friends, but I just want to be in my own home sometimes and now all I do when I get home is drink and watch Netflix until I pass out so I stop feeling so many feels.
I'm actively looking for a therapist. I'm considering moving out and breaking up with my bf entirely, but again, I'd rather not. But I'd rather not lose my liver and my mind.
Move out! Maybe you need to break up, maybe you don't, but you do need to move out. You *didn't* know what you were getting into when you moved in. You thought you did, but you didn't actually realize how it was going to feel. You made a mistake. That's OK!
Move out, live with roommates in a normal roommate situation, keep saving (either for a house that you buy with your boyfriend or just because saving is generally a good thing to do). Yeah, you and your boyfriend together won't be saving as much as you would if you were sharing. But you're miserable. Better to be in a sane place and take a bit longer to save up than to be miserable while you save for a house that the two of you are still disagreeing about the particulars of.
But seriously, move out.
posted by mskyle at 9:20 AM on February 1, 2016 [40 favorites]
Move out, live with roommates in a normal roommate situation, keep saving (either for a house that you buy with your boyfriend or just because saving is generally a good thing to do). Yeah, you and your boyfriend together won't be saving as much as you would if you were sharing. But you're miserable. Better to be in a sane place and take a bit longer to save up than to be miserable while you save for a house that the two of you are still disagreeing about the particulars of.
But seriously, move out.
posted by mskyle at 9:20 AM on February 1, 2016 [40 favorites]
"all I do when I get home is drink and watch Netflix until I pass out so I stop feeling so many feels"
You don't have to break up with him if you move out. It's the Relationship Escalator telling you that. I think you do have to move out of *this apartment* as an act of self-preservation. You can worry about whether and how to make the next shared living space meet both your needs later. Saving some money isn't worth your sanity.
FWIW, I'd rather live in the crappiest apartment by myself than live in this particular apartment with my partner.
posted by hollyholly at 9:21 AM on February 1, 2016 [34 favorites]
You don't have to break up with him if you move out. It's the Relationship Escalator telling you that. I think you do have to move out of *this apartment* as an act of self-preservation. You can worry about whether and how to make the next shared living space meet both your needs later. Saving some money isn't worth your sanity.
FWIW, I'd rather live in the crappiest apartment by myself than live in this particular apartment with my partner.
posted by hollyholly at 9:21 AM on February 1, 2016 [34 favorites]
I'm sorry you're in this situation - what you're describing would make me so tense and suffocated. I'm not really sure what kind of solution you're hoping to hear about from us, but for what it's worth, my vote is that you definitely get your own place, asap. You say you'd rather not do this, but why? Your living situation is making you miserable, and if you don't alleviate this stress, I think it will break up your relationship.
Once you have your own space - both physically and emotionally - I think you'll be in a better position to evaluate your relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:23 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Once you have your own space - both physically and emotionally - I think you'll be in a better position to evaluate your relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:23 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
I knew what I was getting into,
No, you thought you did. But what you got into is different than what you thought it would be. You can move out and be happy together, maybe happier together, than you are under the same roof.
And consider this with regard to saving to purchase a house: your boyfriend is prioritizing the music/studio over the home-space. You're not in sync on step two here. So be careful not to think step one is temporary until you get your house. The issue isn't with the living space per se, it's with your priorities and your boyfriend's. Nobody is wrong, but you are not in sync.
posted by headnsouth at 9:28 AM on February 1, 2016 [18 favorites]
No, you thought you did. But what you got into is different than what you thought it would be. You can move out and be happy together, maybe happier together, than you are under the same roof.
And consider this with regard to saving to purchase a house: your boyfriend is prioritizing the music/studio over the home-space. You're not in sync on step two here. So be careful not to think step one is temporary until you get your house. The issue isn't with the living space per se, it's with your priorities and your boyfriend's. Nobody is wrong, but you are not in sync.
posted by headnsouth at 9:28 AM on February 1, 2016 [18 favorites]
Shoot, I meant to add that for the remaining time that you have to stay in your current living situation, figure out what you can do to get yourself out of the house as often as you need. Personally I've always found long, rambling walks to be lifesavers when I've been cooped up with too many people and needed some personal space - even better if your walk includes a nearby park or forest where you can sit for a while and just not hear all the damn yapping and music.
Any coping strategy, though, should be temporary - something you're doing to help you get through a temporary situation, while you simultaneously work at getting yourself into a new and healthier living situation. Give yourself the space and breathing room you deserve.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:29 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Any coping strategy, though, should be temporary - something you're doing to help you get through a temporary situation, while you simultaneously work at getting yourself into a new and healthier living situation. Give yourself the space and breathing room you deserve.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:29 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Can *you* get a studio? I know it doesn't solve everything but maybe getting in some more alone time would help. Also, what is the deadline on the house?
posted by dame at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by dame at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
So, I too used to live with a partner who operated a recording studio out of our home. How this worked: recording happened strictly during my work hours. The place was occasionally still a mess when I got home, but rarely. Weekend/evening recording happened on a handful of occasions, all of which I was consulted about and had veto on, and he would often charge extra for this and give it to me so I could take a girlfriend out for lunch that day and not feel obliged to stay and listen!
Anything with fewer boundaries than this would have driven me absolutely NUTS. What happened with us was that we were sharing a house that was also his workspace. What you have, is more like you camping out in his workspace. It sounds like there's very little sharing going on, and that's no good.
I'd recommend you move out, (asap to give your relationship the best chance of survival), so that you can stop feeling naggy just for wanting your own space, so that you can figure out whether it's him or the living arrangement that's the problem, and so that you can stop compromising your health in order to live there. If you decide to stay together and also aim to live together sometime in the future, get together an action plan to make that happen in a mutually satisfactory way. For example, either buying a place with a separate building (garage, annexe) that you can use for recording, or have him rent a space nearby.
posted by greenish at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2016 [12 favorites]
Anything with fewer boundaries than this would have driven me absolutely NUTS. What happened with us was that we were sharing a house that was also his workspace. What you have, is more like you camping out in his workspace. It sounds like there's very little sharing going on, and that's no good.
I'd recommend you move out, (asap to give your relationship the best chance of survival), so that you can stop feeling naggy just for wanting your own space, so that you can figure out whether it's him or the living arrangement that's the problem, and so that you can stop compromising your health in order to live there. If you decide to stay together and also aim to live together sometime in the future, get together an action plan to make that happen in a mutually satisfactory way. For example, either buying a place with a separate building (garage, annexe) that you can use for recording, or have him rent a space nearby.
posted by greenish at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2016 [12 favorites]
The way to make your situation more livable is to ask the roommate to move out. It's not your call, obviously, it has to be your boyfriend's, and I don't know whether the lease they set up allows it (though you could offer money to "buy him out"). This is actually pretty standard (if always shitty) practice - when you move in with someone as a couple, either both leave or the roommate gets the shaft. Having a third, non-intimate person in your intimate space is compounding all the other problems. Especially if you're supposed to be including him in meal planning (wtf? I would end that immediately - roommate should be in charge of his own meals and cleanup, and if you just mean having time to have dinner with bf without a third wheel, you need to articulate that to bf and he needs to be able to tell roommate - this shouldn't be on you).
The other solution I can think of - and it's a lousy one - is to start a house-saving journal. Each time you have to put up with something awful because it saves you money in the long term, write it down - and give it an arbitrary money amount based on the rent you're not paying by living apart. Feel free to be as angry about the description of what you're dealing with as you want. This will let you vent some steam and remind yourself of the goal. Also, once you see how the money is coming in, it could give you permission to not save every rent penny - on particularly loud nights, get a hotel room or an AirBnB. Your bf can even come with you if he behaves.
posted by Mchelly at 9:31 AM on February 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
The other solution I can think of - and it's a lousy one - is to start a house-saving journal. Each time you have to put up with something awful because it saves you money in the long term, write it down - and give it an arbitrary money amount based on the rent you're not paying by living apart. Feel free to be as angry about the description of what you're dealing with as you want. This will let you vent some steam and remind yourself of the goal. Also, once you see how the money is coming in, it could give you permission to not save every rent penny - on particularly loud nights, get a hotel room or an AirBnB. Your bf can even come with you if he behaves.
posted by Mchelly at 9:31 AM on February 1, 2016 [4 favorites]
I knew what I was getting into
No, you didn't. Because no one ever does, especially in a housing situation. There are a hundred different things that even the most diligent and detail-oriented person just won't see before moving into a living space, especially one that has other human beings involved.
Stop telling yourself that this is your -- or anyone else's -- fault. Sometimes these arrangements just don't work out. That's not an indictment of your relationship or your personality.
posted by Etrigan at 9:46 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
No, you didn't. Because no one ever does, especially in a housing situation. There are a hundred different things that even the most diligent and detail-oriented person just won't see before moving into a living space, especially one that has other human beings involved.
Stop telling yourself that this is your -- or anyone else's -- fault. Sometimes these arrangements just don't work out. That's not an indictment of your relationship or your personality.
posted by Etrigan at 9:46 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can you and your boyfriend move out and sublet his room to someone else in order to offset the rent on the new place? He can still hang out there as often as he wants but you have your own space and privacy now. This would also be good for him because he has to know how it will feel not living in the same building as his studio since that is the plan with the house. Maybe he is not ready for that or needs time to get used to it. If he stays on the lease, he will be able to go back if he can't stand being away. Better to know that now than a year after you have purchased a house together.
posted by soelo at 9:47 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by soelo at 9:47 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Move out. Stay together. Save more slowly.
Think Really hard about how your life will look in this theoretical new house.
Moving out is not a step back, anything that makes you healthier and happier is a step forward.
posted by French Fry at 9:49 AM on February 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Think Really hard about how your life will look in this theoretical new house.
Moving out is not a step back, anything that makes you healthier and happier is a step forward.
posted by French Fry at 9:49 AM on February 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Virginia Woolf wrote a Room of One's Own for a reason. A damn good reason.
The adult answer here is that Roommate moves, you take over his space. You're a couple, and you two deserve enough space to be together and for a place of your own.
Why is that occurring not occurring to your boyfriend? You have told him you're unhappy, yet the situation persists.
If you want to make it work, roommate has to go. If you don't know if you want it to work. Move out to your own place and work on the relationship from there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:50 AM on February 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
The adult answer here is that Roommate moves, you take over his space. You're a couple, and you two deserve enough space to be together and for a place of your own.
Why is that occurring not occurring to your boyfriend? You have told him you're unhappy, yet the situation persists.
If you want to make it work, roommate has to go. If you don't know if you want it to work. Move out to your own place and work on the relationship from there.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:50 AM on February 1, 2016 [6 favorites]
Yeah, either the roommate has to go,or you do. 3 unrelated people in a loft is too many people. I personally would look for my own place.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:56 AM on February 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:56 AM on February 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
"You're in what engineers call an over bounded problem..."
You don't want to (or can't) move out alone, you don't want to (or can't) move out together. But something has to change, since you sound on the verge of snapping.
posted by salvia at 9:59 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
You don't want to (or can't) move out alone, you don't want to (or can't) move out together. But something has to change, since you sound on the verge of snapping.
posted by salvia at 9:59 AM on February 1, 2016 [2 favorites]
Here's some other ideas -
Can you buy or make a separator, that you can use to visually close off the area by the kitchen? People see the divider and they understand it's for privacy and you don't have greet them from behind it... I have an office at the end of a hallway and I get really annoyed when the door is open because anyone who is going to one of 3 other offices in the hallway can see everything I'm doing. So I usually keep the door 3/4s of the way shut. Everyone knows I'm there, but I don't feel that I'm in a fishbowl.
Another thing - can you invest in some really good noise cancelling earphones? Add more sound proofing? Add a lot of drapery, combined with the divider so that even when you are there doing your thing, and people walk through on the other side, a lot of sound is absorbed? I'm assuming you guys are both quite knowegable about acoustics - plus you're going to both be around music for a long time so figuring this out now is going to be of benefit later.
Do you have access to the roof? Is there any reason you couldn't take up some cushions, candles and a blanket and just chill out under the night sky?
Is there anyway he can keep the recording studio in the loft, keep renting out to roomies and go there to work, after you guys find a house?
Is there anyway you could find a small space to rent out for your own private studio? Where you can go paint, read, and just be alone, and it is yours?
Is there a nearby park you can go to to get that alone time you need? The thing about wide open public spaces (or rooftops) is that there is a lot of physical space and you really do feel alone, in spite of other people around, who are frequently also enjoying their solitude.
Do you do a sport, anything at a gym, or bike riding? I find the same thing happens for me when I'm working out or riding - it's just me, in my head, and it doesn't matter who else is around. Plus it'll definitely help your ability to cope. I did boxing for awhile, at a time in my life when I was very angry and wow, it was amazing.
Can you spend a night once in a while at an inexpensive but decent hotel? Just to be able unwind in privacy, the way you need to, and then go to bed? Or a friend who has a spare bedroom who will let you come over now and again?
I wish you the best of luck, I don't think you need to break up with your boyfriend and/or move out (yet). I think you can find ways to adapt and improve this situation. If all possible solutions ending up costing more than renting your own place, then your next choice of action is clear. Good luck.
posted by Locochona at 10:20 AM on February 1, 2016
Can you buy or make a separator, that you can use to visually close off the area by the kitchen? People see the divider and they understand it's for privacy and you don't have greet them from behind it... I have an office at the end of a hallway and I get really annoyed when the door is open because anyone who is going to one of 3 other offices in the hallway can see everything I'm doing. So I usually keep the door 3/4s of the way shut. Everyone knows I'm there, but I don't feel that I'm in a fishbowl.
Another thing - can you invest in some really good noise cancelling earphones? Add more sound proofing? Add a lot of drapery, combined with the divider so that even when you are there doing your thing, and people walk through on the other side, a lot of sound is absorbed? I'm assuming you guys are both quite knowegable about acoustics - plus you're going to both be around music for a long time so figuring this out now is going to be of benefit later.
Do you have access to the roof? Is there any reason you couldn't take up some cushions, candles and a blanket and just chill out under the night sky?
Is there anyway he can keep the recording studio in the loft, keep renting out to roomies and go there to work, after you guys find a house?
Is there anyway you could find a small space to rent out for your own private studio? Where you can go paint, read, and just be alone, and it is yours?
Is there a nearby park you can go to to get that alone time you need? The thing about wide open public spaces (or rooftops) is that there is a lot of physical space and you really do feel alone, in spite of other people around, who are frequently also enjoying their solitude.
Do you do a sport, anything at a gym, or bike riding? I find the same thing happens for me when I'm working out or riding - it's just me, in my head, and it doesn't matter who else is around. Plus it'll definitely help your ability to cope. I did boxing for awhile, at a time in my life when I was very angry and wow, it was amazing.
Can you spend a night once in a while at an inexpensive but decent hotel? Just to be able unwind in privacy, the way you need to, and then go to bed? Or a friend who has a spare bedroom who will let you come over now and again?
I wish you the best of luck, I don't think you need to break up with your boyfriend and/or move out (yet). I think you can find ways to adapt and improve this situation. If all possible solutions ending up costing more than renting your own place, then your next choice of action is clear. Good luck.
posted by Locochona at 10:20 AM on February 1, 2016
His "need" to have a recording studio in the house you are saving towards is crazypants for your relationship.
I think you should move out and give themselves and yourself some space to grow and thrive. I disagree the roommate should move out! You're right. They have a good thing going. Let them live it out.
As for you.... Make moving out a commitment to renewing your relationship to yourself. You don't have to break up! But if the roommate moves out and you stay, you are still compromising because the band practice is hectic, yo. So make a commitment to yourself, move out, get some healthier habits going, expand your artistic pursuits - LIVE.
Everything else will work out. Choose Team You. Move out! Good luck on your new adventure!!
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on February 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
I think you should move out and give themselves and yourself some space to grow and thrive. I disagree the roommate should move out! You're right. They have a good thing going. Let them live it out.
As for you.... Make moving out a commitment to renewing your relationship to yourself. You don't have to break up! But if the roommate moves out and you stay, you are still compromising because the band practice is hectic, yo. So make a commitment to yourself, move out, get some healthier habits going, expand your artistic pursuits - LIVE.
Everything else will work out. Choose Team You. Move out! Good luck on your new adventure!!
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on February 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
That sounds like a horrible living situation and you have my deepest sympathies.
But even the house search is difficult because he wants to have a space for his music studio and he's very particular about it and I don't want it in the house, so we're trying to find a happy compromise.
This part made me wonder: have you considered couples therapy for you and your boyfriend? Your relationship doesn't sound intractable, but you guys have some problem-solving work to do.
posted by the_blizz at 10:34 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
But even the house search is difficult because he wants to have a space for his music studio and he's very particular about it and I don't want it in the house, so we're trying to find a happy compromise.
This part made me wonder: have you considered couples therapy for you and your boyfriend? Your relationship doesn't sound intractable, but you guys have some problem-solving work to do.
posted by the_blizz at 10:34 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
PS: MeMail me if you're in New York and want a recommendation.
posted by the_blizz at 10:35 AM on February 1, 2016
posted by the_blizz at 10:35 AM on February 1, 2016
Oh, man. I have lived with a recording studio and it really, really creates a situation that needs to have some sort of strict boundaries around it. Those might vary - maybe it's certain times/days that bands can be in and out, maybe it's "schedule when you have to but the band does not come into our living space", maybe it's "I get my own room and if I am in there with the door closed no one bothers me for anything short of the apocalypse." (The last one was my personal coping method.) But it can't just be "bands are in and out whenever with no consideration for you" because you will go slowly mad. Even the nicest bands. Even the best music. It's just a lot to live with.
(I have also house-hunted for studio-appropriate space, and again, if you do that - do it with clear consideration for what YOU want out of a house, because the studio requirements are going to make your search almost impossible, so if you can find a few studio-friendly options, frankly, YOU probably should get to be the deciding vote about which works for you.)
Living with my partner AND a studio AND a roommate AND no room of my own would have been a recipe for many terrible things. I think that whether you're just trying to save your own sanity, or to save the relationship, the first step is probably the same - work towards moving out to somewhere that makes you happy, on your own, and can be a sanctuary for you. With that immediate pressure lifted, you may find it easier to figure out whether you have A Relationship Problem that needs couples therapy, or just A Housing Problem that might be addressable by moving into a different space together at some point down the road.
posted by Stacey at 10:43 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
(I have also house-hunted for studio-appropriate space, and again, if you do that - do it with clear consideration for what YOU want out of a house, because the studio requirements are going to make your search almost impossible, so if you can find a few studio-friendly options, frankly, YOU probably should get to be the deciding vote about which works for you.)
Living with my partner AND a studio AND a roommate AND no room of my own would have been a recipe for many terrible things. I think that whether you're just trying to save your own sanity, or to save the relationship, the first step is probably the same - work towards moving out to somewhere that makes you happy, on your own, and can be a sanctuary for you. With that immediate pressure lifted, you may find it easier to figure out whether you have A Relationship Problem that needs couples therapy, or just A Housing Problem that might be addressable by moving into a different space together at some point down the road.
posted by Stacey at 10:43 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
You are not a failure and your relationship is not a failure because you thought moving in with your boyfriend would feel one way and it feels a different way, a bad way. For years I maintained a paid office space among other people who worked independently because that was part of the price for sanity and necessary self-care. When you start wandering into black and white, either/territory, that's a sign you need to slow the hell down and also do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. You don't need to decide about breaking up with your boyfriend. Perhaps you can do a short-term sublet, or housesit, or go stay with a friend for some time while you figure out what you need. And if that includes a house that has space for a music studio on the property but not in the house, for example, that's a darn good thing to figure out sooner rather than later. This doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:53 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:53 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your responses so far, especially those of you who have lived in similar situations with studios before. I think I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy or nit-picky or difficult for not being happy in this situation. Stacey really nailed it: "Living with my partner AND a studio AND a roommate AND no room of my own would have been a recipe for many terrible things. ". Too many things, all at once. All of this, coupled with the cold weather (which makes it a bit more difficult to busy myself outside of the house) is just breaking my spirit.
Roommate is one of his best friends and bandmate. So even if he moved out, he'd still be here three nights a week, which is awkward. If anyone should move out, it's me. I'm putting out feelers, thanks for the suggestion/validation. Another wrinkle in this situation is that we share a vehicle, so moving out (if I did move out) and buying a car is even more complicated. Oy.
posted by chara at 11:41 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Roommate is one of his best friends and bandmate. So even if he moved out, he'd still be here three nights a week, which is awkward. If anyone should move out, it's me. I'm putting out feelers, thanks for the suggestion/validation. Another wrinkle in this situation is that we share a vehicle, so moving out (if I did move out) and buying a car is even more complicated. Oy.
posted by chara at 11:41 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
House hunting by itself is stressful and hard on relationships, doing so in the middle of home maelstrom sounds impossible. I tried it, we lived with a drama roommate for a year, we got the house, and 6 weeks later he walked out on the mortgage and me. :P
There I was with very little furniture and no refrigerator because we didn't have budget to get both the house and the house appliances right away :P Handling a mortgage mostly alone and sleeping on an airbed in the beautiful master bedroom was not a good time of my life.
I'm not saying that my extreme situation would happen to you, but I was so focused on newhousenewhousenewhouse getoutgetougetout I missed so many possible red flags in the greater picture.
The house hunting and house living stresses made it really difficult for me to see and possibly work on relationship stress issues.
Best wishes.
posted by dreamling at 11:57 AM on February 1, 2016
There I was with very little furniture and no refrigerator because we didn't have budget to get both the house and the house appliances right away :P Handling a mortgage mostly alone and sleeping on an airbed in the beautiful master bedroom was not a good time of my life.
I'm not saying that my extreme situation would happen to you, but I was so focused on newhousenewhousenewhouse getoutgetougetout I missed so many possible red flags in the greater picture.
The house hunting and house living stresses made it really difficult for me to see and possibly work on relationship stress issues.
Best wishes.
posted by dreamling at 11:57 AM on February 1, 2016
I live in a loft and we made "movie walls", ie huge expanses of canvas stretched over wooden frames, to divide up the space. They don't block sound, but I can sit on the sofa, watch a movie (with headphones) while my husband does something else in the "other room". Putting Expedit bookcases on either side of the canvas wall helps block any extra sounds, too.
The band room walls could also be insulated, so that the sounds don't carry quite so much.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:23 PM on February 1, 2016
The band room walls could also be insulated, so that the sounds don't carry quite so much.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:23 PM on February 1, 2016
I have the answer!
You two find a place to live, Boyfriend rents out his room to a new tenant. The two roommates live in the loft and BF goes THERE to do studio stuff and band practice and what all.
YOU get a new place, with your own kitchen and tons of time on your own, AWAY from the studio and band practice. Boyfriends covers cost of loft with second tenant.
Drops mike.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:58 PM on February 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
You two find a place to live, Boyfriend rents out his room to a new tenant. The two roommates live in the loft and BF goes THERE to do studio stuff and band practice and what all.
YOU get a new place, with your own kitchen and tons of time on your own, AWAY from the studio and band practice. Boyfriends covers cost of loft with second tenant.
Drops mike.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:58 PM on February 1, 2016 [5 favorites]
Add me to the "I couldn't do this". If you want to try to make it work here's some things to try:
1. The bedroom becomes your room. Your boyfriend has the studio, you have the bedroom. You put your sheets on the bed, put up your posters, remove all his detritus and clutter to the studio. He gets some room for his clothes, and a bedside table, but the rest of the space is yours.
2. The kitchen stays clean. This may require them to change their habits, but both guys are presumably paying less rent now, so they can make the effort.
3. You get notice when people visit. Preferably a schedule, but bare minimum a text msg, eg "Bob and Mary are coming round in 5", so you know they'll be there when you get home.
4. You get one night a week when everyone else goes out.
posted by kjs4 at 3:45 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. The bedroom becomes your room. Your boyfriend has the studio, you have the bedroom. You put your sheets on the bed, put up your posters, remove all his detritus and clutter to the studio. He gets some room for his clothes, and a bedside table, but the rest of the space is yours.
2. The kitchen stays clean. This may require them to change their habits, but both guys are presumably paying less rent now, so they can make the effort.
3. You get notice when people visit. Preferably a schedule, but bare minimum a text msg, eg "Bob and Mary are coming round in 5", so you know they'll be there when you get home.
4. You get one night a week when everyone else goes out.
posted by kjs4 at 3:45 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree with all of the above except I would amend point 4 to read she gets two nights a week where everyone goes out. Simply because OP pays a third of the rent, surely this entitles her to at least one third of the evenings a week where her space is not completely unliveable for her. I would actually move out but if you insist on trying to make it work, this is what I would do.
I understand how the situation has come about because your boyfriend has had a recording space in his living area for a decade and you moved there knowing this but I would basically be saying that going forward, if you two want to move in together, this is a dealbreaker and it's really impacting on your happiness.
I mean, you say he's aware of your concerns but he doesn't appear to be doing anything to accommodate you. It sounds more like he's going, yep, right, that DOES sound like it sucks...and goes right ahead doing it anyway. To the point that even when you move out of this space, he's then going to recreate the same situation again - except now you'll be paying a hefty mortgage to be miserable and have your space overcrowded all the time with a permanent studio in your home. That tells me he either doesn't get it or he gets it and doesn't care, he just wants what he wants.
Your boyfriend's happiness shouldn't come at the expense of yours, after all, he can make music anywhere. Time to get counselling or have a serious sit down with him.
posted by Jubey at 5:45 PM on February 1, 2016
I understand how the situation has come about because your boyfriend has had a recording space in his living area for a decade and you moved there knowing this but I would basically be saying that going forward, if you two want to move in together, this is a dealbreaker and it's really impacting on your happiness.
I mean, you say he's aware of your concerns but he doesn't appear to be doing anything to accommodate you. It sounds more like he's going, yep, right, that DOES sound like it sucks...and goes right ahead doing it anyway. To the point that even when you move out of this space, he's then going to recreate the same situation again - except now you'll be paying a hefty mortgage to be miserable and have your space overcrowded all the time with a permanent studio in your home. That tells me he either doesn't get it or he gets it and doesn't care, he just wants what he wants.
Your boyfriend's happiness shouldn't come at the expense of yours, after all, he can make music anywhere. Time to get counselling or have a serious sit down with him.
posted by Jubey at 5:45 PM on February 1, 2016
I'm also in the "you should find a new place to live" camp, but until you do, screens/room dividers are a lifesaver. In my house, guests have to walk through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, and screening off my bed gives me some privacy. Can you screen off your kitchen nook? It might feel less exposed.
Regarding buying a house: Now does not seem like the right time to be looking, honestly. Maybe after you get all settled in a new living situation, and can think and get some personal space. But a shed or prefab building is a good studio option, and can be added to any house with a big enough yard. If you can fit it into your budget, you'll have way more flexibility.
There are going to be plenty of roommate situations that would suit you better--it sounds like you'd rather live in a female household, and somewhere quieter (almost anywhere would be quieter).
You could also look into house/pet-sitting gigs, if you think that's something you'd like. I've done it during a stressful living situation, and it's very relaxing to just go to a nice empty house and read a novel after you've fed the cats.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:27 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Regarding buying a house: Now does not seem like the right time to be looking, honestly. Maybe after you get all settled in a new living situation, and can think and get some personal space. But a shed or prefab building is a good studio option, and can be added to any house with a big enough yard. If you can fit it into your budget, you'll have way more flexibility.
There are going to be plenty of roommate situations that would suit you better--it sounds like you'd rather live in a female household, and somewhere quieter (almost anywhere would be quieter).
You could also look into house/pet-sitting gigs, if you think that's something you'd like. I've done it during a stressful living situation, and it's very relaxing to just go to a nice empty house and read a novel after you've fed the cats.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:27 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sooo, lemme get this straight, presumably you are paying rent at this place, shared three ways, so they are getting to pay even less rent than before, and the only spot you get for yourself in the whole apartment is stuck in the corner of the kitchen, like a punished child? This would soooooooooo not be on for me. In fact, I'm infuriated on your behalf. Repeat after me: I am a person with desires, passions, likes and dislikes, and I am entitled to feel welcomed and comfortable in my home, that I am working and paying my hard earned money for.
Unless, you're staying for free, in which case you get what you pay for, I guess. :/
Next thing I think you could do is call a house meeting and reiterate to your bf and his roommate what I have just said above. Because, it's possible that they are just clueless and haven't realised just how miserable you are. Be very clear about how you feel, I say this because we women tend to try to give subtle hints, thinking that we are getting our point across in a nicer way, but we're not. And because you haven't mentioned that you have *specifically* had this conversation, I'm thinking you maybe haven't. And you may think you have, but I say specifically, because I don't mean casually dropping over breakfast, hey you guys were a bit loud last night. They need to know you are serious and having a serious conversation to talk about this should hopefully convince them of that.
If they protest in any way, and/or react in any way that is not abject mortification for being so clueless of your feelings for so long, Leave. You have your answer, they will never respect you, your space or your right to enjoy your space as much as they do. And if bf takes roomies side in this, I would seriously consider dumping him. He should be placing your mental health, the woman he apparently wants to buy a house with and spend the rest of his life with, above his roommate and desire to play in multiple (?! Like couldn't he limit it to one or something for now?) bands at every single hour of the day.
O_o
/endrant
But seriously, I'm obviously feeling all the feels on your behalf. I hope you are able to talk to them and that you are able to comprise and come up with a better situation for yourself. Please update us to let us know you're OK!
posted by Shibui at 6:09 AM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Unless, you're staying for free, in which case you get what you pay for, I guess. :/
Next thing I think you could do is call a house meeting and reiterate to your bf and his roommate what I have just said above. Because, it's possible that they are just clueless and haven't realised just how miserable you are. Be very clear about how you feel, I say this because we women tend to try to give subtle hints, thinking that we are getting our point across in a nicer way, but we're not. And because you haven't mentioned that you have *specifically* had this conversation, I'm thinking you maybe haven't. And you may think you have, but I say specifically, because I don't mean casually dropping over breakfast, hey you guys were a bit loud last night. They need to know you are serious and having a serious conversation to talk about this should hopefully convince them of that.
If they protest in any way, and/or react in any way that is not abject mortification for being so clueless of your feelings for so long, Leave. You have your answer, they will never respect you, your space or your right to enjoy your space as much as they do. And if bf takes roomies side in this, I would seriously consider dumping him. He should be placing your mental health, the woman he apparently wants to buy a house with and spend the rest of his life with, above his roommate and desire to play in multiple (?! Like couldn't he limit it to one or something for now?) bands at every single hour of the day.
O_o
/endrant
But seriously, I'm obviously feeling all the feels on your behalf. I hope you are able to talk to them and that you are able to comprise and come up with a better situation for yourself. Please update us to let us know you're OK!
posted by Shibui at 6:09 AM on February 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Am mostly a lurker on metafilter but your post had me going like "oh!! I know exactly how you feel!" *double hugs* Hang in there, trust me *you* can make it better, if you don't do it for yourself nobody will.
I've read posted answers:
+1 for getting your own space
+1 for not breaking up with your boyfriend
+1 for modifying your space and setting some boundaries.
I too live in such a situation right now as well.
Backstory: I live with my older brother (not very uncommon practise in south India where parents insist living with family despite practicality of commute and privacy needs due to terrible TV news reporting crime rates). Anyway, so at the time we moved into the current house, I had no job and so my brother insisted he get the bigger room with light and air for himself since he pays the rent. I was plenty angry at the unfairness of it all, at my own inability to find work and took the room without a choice.
Changes I made to my space:
1. Problem: a room has only 1 window which gets completely blocked upon opening the door. The window opens to the common hallway of the apartment building where people cross the hallway beside my room to get to their apartment.
Solution:
* Put in sheer curtains to cover up the window and get some privacy
* Put in a shoe organizer like this so that the door opens just enough to let me in and out comfortably while still not blocking the window.
* Got myself a tower fan and put its back facing the window because it can then pull in fresh air in my direction.
* Changed the lighting in the room to yellow light that wasn't harsh, added a wall lamp shade
* Added a wind chime to window so I'd know when there's breeze coming in :)
2. Problem: I'd have to make a trip to my brother's room where the washing machine was to wash my clothes every time.
Solution:
* Bought a mini washing machine and installed it in my bathroom in my room.
* Bought these clothes dryer racks that I hung on the bathroom window
The only downside to this arrangement was that I had to wash clothes everyday since the washing machine is so small but that worked in my advantage because I need fewer clothes now! (because none of them are in the hamper for long)
3. Problem: Very little floor space due to bed, table and cycle:
I am the kind that likes a quaker style house with lots of floor space but since I can't stow away my bed, table, chair and cycle in the closet, I had to figure out a way to stash them when I don't use them.
Solution:
* Got myself a folding bed
* Got myself a folding chair that was comfy!
* Got myself a folding table!
4. Problem: Need clean floor space without much effort and time
Solution:
* Got myself microfibre cleaning brushes and house slippers!
* Got myself a spray mop.
5. Problem: Shared kitchen, always a mess, cleans up when its convenient to my brother and ends up using my stash of stuff in the fridge!
Solution:
* Got myself a cabinet to store my dry goods
* Got myself a mini fridge to keep in my room.
* Setup a tea station (with a water bag kettle, tea boxes and a cup) on top of the fridge!
* Got myself a cart like this and got into the habit of keeping my usually required things for cooking in it. I'd park it in my room and take it out when am ready to cook. Dirty vessels go in the kitchen sink that I'd clean up as I food was cooking.
6. Problem: Brother hoards the TV in the living room
Solution:
* Got myself a ipod dock/radio alarm for my ipod and closed the door when am listening to audiobooks, watching videos or listening to music.
There are more hacks to creating floor space, like I've stowed away all my not-so-frequently used electronics, documents and kitchen items in clear storage boxes for easy access. Also have all my clothes in a shopping trolley? Why? It's just easy to drag to anywhere else if I wanted to make space for a quick yoga session.
I also bought only small kitchen gadgets that are ideal to cook for one or two people. This allowed me to have all my stuff mobile in my kitchen cart so there were no longer the bitterness between my brother over who cleans a dirty kitchen or why he left the blender dirty etc. I simply use my own stuff, clean up as I go and leave the kitchen clean enough for him to use. He though was obstinate but over time picked up on this practise. Now the only stuff we have kitchen for common use are the gas stove (of course), the microwave, the compost bin (we bokashi compost our wet waste) and some common dry grains and spices.
I added small touches like a Bhuddha bust, a ficus bonsai tree so the place doesn't seem like a storage room. Here's a picture of the other side of my room from my bed. Excuse the overflowing hamper :P
TL;DR: Of course this seems like a lot of money and meticulousness to modify your space but I did this over time of 2 years and this was also a motivation for me to save up to make my space comfortable even the my situation wasn't ideal.
Why did I list of all of this? because I want you to believe only *YOU* can make your space comfortable to suit your temperaments, nobody else can or will do it for you. also because there's a hack or gadget for every domestic issue you may have! interwebs for the win! You should also look into these tiny house videos :)
+1 for room dividers.
While you are planning out how to fix your living situation, may be you'd want to try yoga or some sort of meditation, it will help you figure out and focus on what's important to you.
I now comfortably sleep, read, get ready for work (pack a healthy breakfast), clean up by 7am and leave for work and yoga class. I was and am a sort of impatient person who has anger issues who doesn't like messy house, let alone messy people because I simply don't have the energy or mental bandwidth for cleaning up after someone else and *then* getting to my own needs. My anger only made my parents show me pity instead of empathy, my friends and boyfriend ask me to change instead of understanding that I am working hard by commuting, working and taking yoga classes to become strong (am pretty weak physically). So I streamlined my lifestyle one bit at a time and quelled the source of my anger -- the mess.
posted by sausagedoggie15 at 12:19 AM on February 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
I've read posted answers:
+1 for getting your own space
+1 for not breaking up with your boyfriend
+1 for modifying your space and setting some boundaries.
I too live in such a situation right now as well.
Backstory: I live with my older brother (not very uncommon practise in south India where parents insist living with family despite practicality of commute and privacy needs due to terrible TV news reporting crime rates). Anyway, so at the time we moved into the current house, I had no job and so my brother insisted he get the bigger room with light and air for himself since he pays the rent. I was plenty angry at the unfairness of it all, at my own inability to find work and took the room without a choice.
Changes I made to my space:
1. Problem: a room has only 1 window which gets completely blocked upon opening the door. The window opens to the common hallway of the apartment building where people cross the hallway beside my room to get to their apartment.
Solution:
* Put in sheer curtains to cover up the window and get some privacy
* Put in a shoe organizer like this so that the door opens just enough to let me in and out comfortably while still not blocking the window.
* Got myself a tower fan and put its back facing the window because it can then pull in fresh air in my direction.
* Changed the lighting in the room to yellow light that wasn't harsh, added a wall lamp shade
* Added a wind chime to window so I'd know when there's breeze coming in :)
2. Problem: I'd have to make a trip to my brother's room where the washing machine was to wash my clothes every time.
Solution:
* Bought a mini washing machine and installed it in my bathroom in my room.
* Bought these clothes dryer racks that I hung on the bathroom window
The only downside to this arrangement was that I had to wash clothes everyday since the washing machine is so small but that worked in my advantage because I need fewer clothes now! (because none of them are in the hamper for long)
3. Problem: Very little floor space due to bed, table and cycle:
I am the kind that likes a quaker style house with lots of floor space but since I can't stow away my bed, table, chair and cycle in the closet, I had to figure out a way to stash them when I don't use them.
Solution:
* Got myself a folding bed
* Got myself a folding chair that was comfy!
* Got myself a folding table!
4. Problem: Need clean floor space without much effort and time
Solution:
* Got myself microfibre cleaning brushes and house slippers!
* Got myself a spray mop.
5. Problem: Shared kitchen, always a mess, cleans up when its convenient to my brother and ends up using my stash of stuff in the fridge!
Solution:
* Got myself a cabinet to store my dry goods
* Got myself a mini fridge to keep in my room.
* Setup a tea station (with a water bag kettle, tea boxes and a cup) on top of the fridge!
* Got myself a cart like this and got into the habit of keeping my usually required things for cooking in it. I'd park it in my room and take it out when am ready to cook. Dirty vessels go in the kitchen sink that I'd clean up as I food was cooking.
6. Problem: Brother hoards the TV in the living room
Solution:
* Got myself a ipod dock/radio alarm for my ipod and closed the door when am listening to audiobooks, watching videos or listening to music.
There are more hacks to creating floor space, like I've stowed away all my not-so-frequently used electronics, documents and kitchen items in clear storage boxes for easy access. Also have all my clothes in a shopping trolley? Why? It's just easy to drag to anywhere else if I wanted to make space for a quick yoga session.
I also bought only small kitchen gadgets that are ideal to cook for one or two people. This allowed me to have all my stuff mobile in my kitchen cart so there were no longer the bitterness between my brother over who cleans a dirty kitchen or why he left the blender dirty etc. I simply use my own stuff, clean up as I go and leave the kitchen clean enough for him to use. He though was obstinate but over time picked up on this practise. Now the only stuff we have kitchen for common use are the gas stove (of course), the microwave, the compost bin (we bokashi compost our wet waste) and some common dry grains and spices.
I added small touches like a Bhuddha bust, a ficus bonsai tree so the place doesn't seem like a storage room. Here's a picture of the other side of my room from my bed. Excuse the overflowing hamper :P
TL;DR: Of course this seems like a lot of money and meticulousness to modify your space but I did this over time of 2 years and this was also a motivation for me to save up to make my space comfortable even the my situation wasn't ideal.
Why did I list of all of this? because I want you to believe only *YOU* can make your space comfortable to suit your temperaments, nobody else can or will do it for you. also because there's a hack or gadget for every domestic issue you may have! interwebs for the win! You should also look into these tiny house videos :)
+1 for room dividers.
While you are planning out how to fix your living situation, may be you'd want to try yoga or some sort of meditation, it will help you figure out and focus on what's important to you.
I now comfortably sleep, read, get ready for work (pack a healthy breakfast), clean up by 7am and leave for work and yoga class. I was and am a sort of impatient person who has anger issues who doesn't like messy house, let alone messy people because I simply don't have the energy or mental bandwidth for cleaning up after someone else and *then* getting to my own needs. My anger only made my parents show me pity instead of empathy, my friends and boyfriend ask me to change instead of understanding that I am working hard by commuting, working and taking yoga classes to become strong (am pretty weak physically). So I streamlined my lifestyle one bit at a time and quelled the source of my anger -- the mess.
posted by sausagedoggie15 at 12:19 AM on February 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2016 [13 favorites]