Should I lose my virginity to an escort?
January 27, 2016 9:56 AM Subscribe
I talked about my situation in my first question.
I'm wondering if I should just take the plunge and visit an escort. I've seen a few profiles online and some of them are pretty hot.
I originally wanted to wait till I was in a relationship and have it be "special" but I'm wondering if this expectation is too childish for my age. Maybe I should just pay for it and check it off the list.
Thoughts?
I'm wondering if I should just take the plunge and visit an escort. I've seen a few profiles online and some of them are pretty hot.
I originally wanted to wait till I was in a relationship and have it be "special" but I'm wondering if this expectation is too childish for my age. Maybe I should just pay for it and check it off the list.
Thoughts?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
Should I
I wouldn't but I'm not you. You're an adult so the primary metric is what you want to do.
I read and answered your last question, and it seems like your concern and worry over the title "virgin" has endured despite pretty much everyone there telling you it either didn't matter at all or mattered very little.
Your chief concern before was finding a relationship and not wanting to seem weird or be judged.. If we're weighing potential social stigma (which again I don't think you need to worry about) personally I'd much rather date a virgin than a person who's only previous sexual experience was with a sex worker.
posted by French Fry at 10:06 AM on January 27, 2016 [60 favorites]
I wouldn't but I'm not you. You're an adult so the primary metric is what you want to do.
I read and answered your last question, and it seems like your concern and worry over the title "virgin" has endured despite pretty much everyone there telling you it either didn't matter at all or mattered very little.
Your chief concern before was finding a relationship and not wanting to seem weird or be judged.. If we're weighing potential social stigma (which again I don't think you need to worry about) personally I'd much rather date a virgin than a person who's only previous sexual experience was with a sex worker.
posted by French Fry at 10:06 AM on January 27, 2016 [60 favorites]
be careful with the review boards. they are pretty much reviled by escorts and are often filled with fake reviews and "hobbyists" who try to push the women beyond their limits, or get free sessions, by threatening them with a bad review. if you're concerned with being ethical in seeking out a sex worker, that's not the way.
posted by nadawi at 10:10 AM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 10:10 AM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
I originally wanted to wait till I was in a relationship and have it be "special" but I'm wondering if this expectation is too childish for my age.
I think you've got it backwards; understanding and honoring your specific wants and needs about sexual activity is the *mature* expectation. The childish thing would be to ignore your own preferences and do something you don't want to do in order to pass some arbitrary cultural marker.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:14 AM on January 27, 2016 [38 favorites]
I think you've got it backwards; understanding and honoring your specific wants and needs about sexual activity is the *mature* expectation. The childish thing would be to ignore your own preferences and do something you don't want to do in order to pass some arbitrary cultural marker.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:14 AM on January 27, 2016 [38 favorites]
If you want to visit a sex worker, go for it! Practical advice is already coming in here on that front.
I suspect, though, that after doing the deed, you'll just be ashamed that you've never had sex without paying for it. I don't think you should be, but I don't think you should be ashamed of being a virgin either. Tackle your feelings of inadequacy, not the lack of experience you've identified as its cause.
posted by hollyholly at 10:15 AM on January 27, 2016 [42 favorites]
I suspect, though, that after doing the deed, you'll just be ashamed that you've never had sex without paying for it. I don't think you should be, but I don't think you should be ashamed of being a virgin either. Tackle your feelings of inadequacy, not the lack of experience you've identified as its cause.
posted by hollyholly at 10:15 AM on January 27, 2016 [42 favorites]
I just read a book called Paying For It that is a graphic memoir by a man who came to prefer sex with escorts and "date" them exclusively. I found some things about the book problematic, but you might find it useful as an opportunity to gain some detailed, non-biased second-hand experience via a person who has no shame or hang-ups about expressing his sexuality in this way. It may help you make a decision.
All good wishes.
posted by not that girl at 10:46 AM on January 27, 2016
All good wishes.
posted by not that girl at 10:46 AM on January 27, 2016
You'll no doubt get excellent advice here about the logistics should you ask another question that focuses on it, but I think its worth deconstructing exactly what you want out of your relationship to your sexuality, as well as women, generally rather than hyper-focus on your first sexual experience. What is it that you want out of sex? Not all of what sex is can be bought, and if it is those less tangible aspects that you are really looking for you'll only walk away disappointed and confused.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Is it possible that you are obsessing about this for some reason?
I just glanced through the other question, and didn't see any answers there that would argue for this course... Whatever is really bothering you, maybe you could benefit from focusing on something else for a while, just to get some perspective? Are you doing something in your life that's fulfilling? Do you have reason to believe that solving this problem will make your life better? If so, could there be another method that would be more likely to make your life better?
I'm not arguing for or against the course you're considering. Just wondering if this is really the core issue of your life, or if you are only thinking about it so much because you're avoiding other issues.
posted by amtho at 10:55 AM on January 27, 2016
I just glanced through the other question, and didn't see any answers there that would argue for this course... Whatever is really bothering you, maybe you could benefit from focusing on something else for a while, just to get some perspective? Are you doing something in your life that's fulfilling? Do you have reason to believe that solving this problem will make your life better? If so, could there be another method that would be more likely to make your life better?
I'm not arguing for or against the course you're considering. Just wondering if this is really the core issue of your life, or if you are only thinking about it so much because you're avoiding other issues.
posted by amtho at 10:55 AM on January 27, 2016
My first sexual encounter was powerfully driven by the desire to 'check it off', at an age where I felt like I was way 'behind'.
I would do that one over in an instant -- mainly I would erase it from history and wait until a loving connection entered my life (which did happen not long after). Going into it being fixated on my own 'status' meant I was totally disconnected from my partner and oblivious to her personhood, and the experience was mostly unpleasant for both of us, but especially her. And now she has to live with that, and so do I; I treated her as if she didn't exist, and she has had to carry that message. I spread darkness out into the world. I was so ashamed of the experience that it took ten years before I talked about it with anyone.
I sympathize. It is very hard to carry this label and feel like a failure as a human being; I know from experience. But I can also tell from experience that using someone else to validate your existence in this way takes you further into the dark, not out of it. MeMail me for more if you like.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [32 favorites]
I would do that one over in an instant -- mainly I would erase it from history and wait until a loving connection entered my life (which did happen not long after). Going into it being fixated on my own 'status' meant I was totally disconnected from my partner and oblivious to her personhood, and the experience was mostly unpleasant for both of us, but especially her. And now she has to live with that, and so do I; I treated her as if she didn't exist, and she has had to carry that message. I spread darkness out into the world. I was so ashamed of the experience that it took ten years before I talked about it with anyone.
I sympathize. It is very hard to carry this label and feel like a failure as a human being; I know from experience. But I can also tell from experience that using someone else to validate your existence in this way takes you further into the dark, not out of it. MeMail me for more if you like.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [32 favorites]
I remember when I lost my first tooth as a child. It was BIG DEAL. And then I kept losing teeth until I had a whole new set, and it was no longer such a big deal. From this perspective, losing that first tooth isn't the big deal it once was. It just happened to be the first of a whole lot of teeth.
posted by aniola at 11:22 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by aniola at 11:22 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
All that sex is is fucking -- if you want to pay someone for sex and can get away with it, go ahead. If you don't know how to get around in bed and want a review I imagine that an escort would be happy to do it (and to be paid for doing it) but really all that you need to know is that if you aren't concerned only with your own pleasure then you're ahead of plenty of people.
posted by mr. digits at 11:56 AM on January 27, 2016
posted by mr. digits at 11:56 AM on January 27, 2016
Let's see...you're 90 years old and reviewing your memories. You could have a memory of hiring someone in an economic transaction for your first sexual intercourse or a memory having a first-time experience with another person open yet caring enough to put up with you and your sexual inexperience. Hmmm...which to choose....
posted by diode at 11:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by diode at 11:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
If you truly believe the fact of never having put your penis in a vagina is holding you back emotionally, I don't see any reason not to go to a sex worker. Do your research, pay well, treat her like a person.
Everyone else is right that what's holding you back emotionally is probably NOT the fact that you've never put your penis in a vagina, and that you need to think deeply about that. But if you think deeply and are very honest with yourself and there is truly no problem besides whether you have or have not engaged in penetrative heterosexual sex, there's nothing wrong with finding a qualified professional. Some sex workers even specialize in inexperienced clients and there's no reason to assume the encounter has to be something you look back on with shame or regret.
posted by babelfish at 12:08 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everyone else is right that what's holding you back emotionally is probably NOT the fact that you've never put your penis in a vagina, and that you need to think deeply about that. But if you think deeply and are very honest with yourself and there is truly no problem besides whether you have or have not engaged in penetrative heterosexual sex, there's nothing wrong with finding a qualified professional. Some sex workers even specialize in inexperienced clients and there's no reason to assume the encounter has to be something you look back on with shame or regret.
posted by babelfish at 12:08 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Should you? If you want to.
When I was a virgin, the idea of my first time was a Big Deal and I thought it had to be perfect in every respect. Ultimately, my first time was with my girlfriend whom I cared about very much (I can't remember if we were using "love" yet) and while it was my dorm room instead of some fancy hotel room after a gourmet seven-course dinner, I wouldn't change anything about it. It was good. Would I feel bad if my first time were with a provider? I don't know.
There was also a time in my life when I patronized such providers from time to time. They were invariably kind so I do not think you should worry about embarrassment. If you want information about logistics, you can MeMail me. I will say that Backpage pictures are often fake. There are online review sites for providers that can help you figure out which providers have fake pictures. Doing a reverse Google Image search is also a good way to weed out some of the fakes. I think there is an ethical way to go about it, so let me know if you would be interested in learning more.
Also, as a man, I understand your stress about your relative inexperience. I totally get it. Don't let it get you down too much. If you want, we can MeMail about that, too.
posted by Tanizaki at 12:36 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
When I was a virgin, the idea of my first time was a Big Deal and I thought it had to be perfect in every respect. Ultimately, my first time was with my girlfriend whom I cared about very much (I can't remember if we were using "love" yet) and while it was my dorm room instead of some fancy hotel room after a gourmet seven-course dinner, I wouldn't change anything about it. It was good. Would I feel bad if my first time were with a provider? I don't know.
There was also a time in my life when I patronized such providers from time to time. They were invariably kind so I do not think you should worry about embarrassment. If you want information about logistics, you can MeMail me. I will say that Backpage pictures are often fake. There are online review sites for providers that can help you figure out which providers have fake pictures. Doing a reverse Google Image search is also a good way to weed out some of the fakes. I think there is an ethical way to go about it, so let me know if you would be interested in learning more.
Also, as a man, I understand your stress about your relative inexperience. I totally get it. Don't let it get you down too much. If you want, we can MeMail about that, too.
posted by Tanizaki at 12:36 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
You're 27, not 72. What's the urgency? To answer your question, no it isn't childish to wait for a relationship -- or at least to wait for someone who doesn't need to get paid to have sex with you.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Gray Skies at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
You sound like a really nice, sweet guy. Have you seen the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin with Steve Carell? It's pretty funny and you could watch it and take your mind off of this for a second. I'm about your age and given the opportunity, I'd prefer to be in your virgin shoes so to speak. You have the choice to make your first time special or meaningful to you. Some people didn't have that choice.
Instead of viewing your inexperience as lacking, try to change your perspective. Realize this is a part of your story and focus on finding a connection with someone. It doesn't have to be in a romantic context. You sound like you're missing out on finding your people and possible loneliness and are repackaging those pent-up emotions into what you think a woman can provide. Even if you have sex, it's not going to fill a void. Even if you are no longer a virgin, it doesn't magically help you to relate to people better. And even if you're in a relationship, it doesn't replace the relationship you have with yourself.
posted by lunastellasol at 1:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Instead of viewing your inexperience as lacking, try to change your perspective. Realize this is a part of your story and focus on finding a connection with someone. It doesn't have to be in a romantic context. You sound like you're missing out on finding your people and possible loneliness and are repackaging those pent-up emotions into what you think a woman can provide. Even if you have sex, it's not going to fill a void. Even if you are no longer a virgin, it doesn't magically help you to relate to people better. And even if you're in a relationship, it doesn't replace the relationship you have with yourself.
posted by lunastellasol at 1:59 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
This question has been asked before though it has been quite some time. FWIW the guy went through with it and said it was totally worth it. But that doesn't mean you'd have the same experience.
This is not the sort of question that most people are going to answer "yes", to, however for a lot of reasons. Not to mention the whole illegality aspect.
posted by Justinian at 2:04 PM on January 27, 2016
This is not the sort of question that most people are going to answer "yes", to, however for a lot of reasons. Not to mention the whole illegality aspect.
posted by Justinian at 2:04 PM on January 27, 2016
Be very careful about using sex as a stand-in for human connection. Sex with an escort may check off the "no longer a virgin" checkbox on your list, but it is unlikely to solve the underlying problem. My first sexual encounter was definitely more along the lines of a "check off the list" sort, and it's a decision that I deeply regret for a variety of reasons. While it may or may not be something you regret, I don't think it will really help you either, not without understanding the broader context of the desire. Society places a lot more emphasis on the status of virginity than I feel it deserves, and it is perfectly reasonable to be a virgin at any age, if it means waiting for the time and place you feel is right for you.
If you feel disconnected, or that you lack a loving relationship, maybe put more energy into figuring out what drives that disconnection in yourself. In your shoes, I'd definitely look into finding a therapist who might help you unpack and figure out what it is you really need.
posted by Aleyn at 2:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you feel disconnected, or that you lack a loving relationship, maybe put more energy into figuring out what drives that disconnection in yourself. In your shoes, I'd definitely look into finding a therapist who might help you unpack and figure out what it is you really need.
posted by Aleyn at 2:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm a stripper and I have danced for a number of customers, some regularly, who are sexually inexperienced. Here are my thoughts.
------------------
(1) If you decide to do this, do it for good reasons.
Good reasons include:
- because it feels good physically
- because it feels good emotionally
- because you want to have a new experience (with the acknowledgement that sex with a sex worker is different from sex with a civilian)
- because you want your first sexual experience to be with someone whose job it is to make you feel comfortable
Bad reasons include:
- general embarrassment about "virginity"
- wanting to check "sex" off a list
For whatever small amount of comfort it might be, I just want to put out there that anybody who would judge you for being inexperienced is a cruel person who doesn't deserve your attention or your body.
------------------
(2) Be really careful about scams and illegality.
Backpage and other such sites have a lot of fake profiles. Plus, assuming that you are in the U.S. (?), there are sting operations out there. I don't have sufficient experience with the escorting field to recommend any best practices, but this might be one of those situations where a trip to Vegas and a visit to a legal brothel in Reno County would be your safest bet.
------------------
(3) If you're doing this to get over the stigma you feel from being a virgin, be careful not to trade this stigma for a different stigma.
Hollyholly brings up a good point: Maybe you will feel embarrassed that your first sexual experience was with an escort. Also, maybe women you date in the future will feel complicated about it—that they can't live up to the "fantasy" of an escort, that sex work degrades women, etc. (I don't hold those views, but many women could feel that way.)
------------------
(4) Sex with a sex worker is not what you should expect for sex with a civilian.
Intimacy with a sex worker is fun, yes. But it's different from intimacy with a civilian. Both have pros and cons.
First of all, sex workers are focused on your pleasure (within reason). That's part of the service you're paying them for. Civilians don't have that obligation.
If you start seeing escorts for a while, get used to certain aspects of that type of intimacy, then start to try dating ... Maybe it will be easier, but there is a very real possibility that it will be harder.
------------------
Overall, I think experiences with sex workers tend to be the most emotionally healthy for the customer when sought for fun, rather than to fill a void. I say that not to dissuade you, just as an observation that might be helpful in your thought process. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel good about it.
Please feel free to MeMail me if you like. I'm sorry that this is weighing on you so heavily.
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 2:30 PM on January 27, 2016 [26 favorites]
------------------
(1) If you decide to do this, do it for good reasons.
Good reasons include:
- because it feels good physically
- because it feels good emotionally
- because you want to have a new experience (with the acknowledgement that sex with a sex worker is different from sex with a civilian)
- because you want your first sexual experience to be with someone whose job it is to make you feel comfortable
Bad reasons include:
- general embarrassment about "virginity"
- wanting to check "sex" off a list
For whatever small amount of comfort it might be, I just want to put out there that anybody who would judge you for being inexperienced is a cruel person who doesn't deserve your attention or your body.
------------------
(2) Be really careful about scams and illegality.
Backpage and other such sites have a lot of fake profiles. Plus, assuming that you are in the U.S. (?), there are sting operations out there. I don't have sufficient experience with the escorting field to recommend any best practices, but this might be one of those situations where a trip to Vegas and a visit to a legal brothel in Reno County would be your safest bet.
------------------
(3) If you're doing this to get over the stigma you feel from being a virgin, be careful not to trade this stigma for a different stigma.
Hollyholly brings up a good point: Maybe you will feel embarrassed that your first sexual experience was with an escort. Also, maybe women you date in the future will feel complicated about it—that they can't live up to the "fantasy" of an escort, that sex work degrades women, etc. (I don't hold those views, but many women could feel that way.)
------------------
(4) Sex with a sex worker is not what you should expect for sex with a civilian.
Intimacy with a sex worker is fun, yes. But it's different from intimacy with a civilian. Both have pros and cons.
First of all, sex workers are focused on your pleasure (within reason). That's part of the service you're paying them for. Civilians don't have that obligation.
If you start seeing escorts for a while, get used to certain aspects of that type of intimacy, then start to try dating ... Maybe it will be easier, but there is a very real possibility that it will be harder.
------------------
Overall, I think experiences with sex workers tend to be the most emotionally healthy for the customer when sought for fun, rather than to fill a void. I say that not to dissuade you, just as an observation that might be helpful in your thought process. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel good about it.
Please feel free to MeMail me if you like. I'm sorry that this is weighing on you so heavily.
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 2:30 PM on January 27, 2016 [26 favorites]
I think most people can relate to how big a deal it seems, so I don't think it's wrong to want to address it in a practical way. I would say, that nearly every time I've allowed myself to be guided by worries (basically feelings of inadequacy) about my social/personal status, I've regretted it horribly.
You're not that old. You're not broken.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:18 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
You're not that old. You're not broken.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:18 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm a lady who was raised religious (sex was for marriage, mastrubating was sin, etc. am not religious now) and when I had sex for the first time (as a teen) I thought I would feel different. Guess what, I didn't. It was just one more thing I could do with my body. I had other sexual experiences prior- although not a lot. My husband has the same pretty "meh" feeling about "omg-first-sex" because all in all, it's not super pleasant. It's awkward and for a lady it can hurt. You don't fully know your body yet so it's not like magic and fireworks.
Honestly, I think you should "date" with the goal of just getting more experience. That is to say - not taking advantage of women - but finding women in a social atmosphere who are receptive to physical relationships. Dating apps can be good for this. Be upfront about your intentions if you're not looking for long-term dating. Take it slow. Start with kissing and making out, be okay if you (or she) wants to stop. Don't rush it. There may be a point in this process where you feel comfortable with where you are and you DO want to wait for a more serious relationship for full intercourse.
Sexual experience starts with training wheels and you gain confidence as you get more experience. It's not like "I had the sex now I have experience and can bang like a master." It doesn't work that way. So I say just start slow, start with low-key, no strings little relationships and see how it goes.
I don't think seeing a sex worker will solve what you think it will solve. Not to mention it's a very tricky legal area still in most places and could really cause problems.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Honestly, I think you should "date" with the goal of just getting more experience. That is to say - not taking advantage of women - but finding women in a social atmosphere who are receptive to physical relationships. Dating apps can be good for this. Be upfront about your intentions if you're not looking for long-term dating. Take it slow. Start with kissing and making out, be okay if you (or she) wants to stop. Don't rush it. There may be a point in this process where you feel comfortable with where you are and you DO want to wait for a more serious relationship for full intercourse.
Sexual experience starts with training wheels and you gain confidence as you get more experience. It's not like "I had the sex now I have experience and can bang like a master." It doesn't work that way. So I say just start slow, start with low-key, no strings little relationships and see how it goes.
I don't think seeing a sex worker will solve what you think it will solve. Not to mention it's a very tricky legal area still in most places and could really cause problems.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:27 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Writing from a country where prostitution is legal and regulated, I say go for it. If you were in my country I would recommend that you visit a quality brothel, sit down in the lounge, talk to a few of the women, relax, and explain why you are there. Spend some money for a few hours, not just a half-hour quickie, and ask the woman to go slowly and talk you through what is happening. Many working women in my country would be pleased to explain and explore with you and help you understand that sexual pleasure with a partner is a two-way activity.
Having sex just to put your penis in a vagina will leave you dispirited. Having an intimate experience with a professional can provide confidence and exhilaration.
I would recommend finding a very professional establishment that has experienced staff. They may not be the 'hottest' in porn-star proportions but if you want to turn this experience into something you can grow from then hotness of body is way down the stimulant list than hotness of mind.
posted by Thella at 3:34 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Having sex just to put your penis in a vagina will leave you dispirited. Having an intimate experience with a professional can provide confidence and exhilaration.
I would recommend finding a very professional establishment that has experienced staff. They may not be the 'hottest' in porn-star proportions but if you want to turn this experience into something you can grow from then hotness of body is way down the stimulant list than hotness of mind.
posted by Thella at 3:34 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Maybe I should just pay for it and check it off the list.
I was older than you - not by much, but still. It doesn't really change anything. I was a little hung up on it too, but honestly the actual label is a technicality. It did do my self esteem good to know that someone was attracted to me and comfortable enough with me to want to sleep with me, but - you won't have that if you go the escort route.
The main thing I learned is that inexperience is lost in exactly the same way experience is gained, which is to say - gradually.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:16 PM on January 27, 2016
I was older than you - not by much, but still. It doesn't really change anything. I was a little hung up on it too, but honestly the actual label is a technicality. It did do my self esteem good to know that someone was attracted to me and comfortable enough with me to want to sleep with me, but - you won't have that if you go the escort route.
The main thing I learned is that inexperience is lost in exactly the same way experience is gained, which is to say - gradually.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:16 PM on January 27, 2016
If you're worried, as you expressed in your previous question, about what a future sexual partner will think about your experience or lack thereof, I'll just say this: I think there are a lot more women who would be upset at the idea that their sexual partner had previously had sex with a prostitute than women who would be upset at the idea that their sexual partner was a virgin. That's not only because of hangups about paying for sex work (although that's part of it), but also some people consider it a safety issue, where they'd feel less comfortable sleeping with someone who may have had a relatively higher-risk sex partner. Not to mention that it might make some people make assumptions about your views about women, love, and sex generally that may or may not be accurate.
Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you, and if other people don't like it, that's their problem. But since your last question was mostly about what other people would think, I thought it was worth mentioning.
posted by decathecting at 6:33 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you, and if other people don't like it, that's their problem. But since your last question was mostly about what other people would think, I thought it was worth mentioning.
posted by decathecting at 6:33 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Any potential dating partner who is bothered that you're a virgin will be at least as bothered that you've visited an escort.
In fact, i happen to be seriously dating a 27 year old man like you. I would still be dating him if he had been a virgin (he wasn't very far off, actually). But I would have been seriously uncomfortable if he'd slept with a sex worker*, and doing it purely to rid of virginity would be a huge red flag for me.
Maybe you want to do it for other reasons and don't care about people judging you for it, in which case sure, go for it. But I'm strongly getting the idea that you're doing it to escape the shame you feel about virginity and fear about dating partners judging you... and if so, you should be aware that your plan is very likely to make things worse.
*Sorry to the sex workers, you're lovely people and I know it makes me shitty, but that's the way I feel, and I'm definitely not unusual in that.
posted by randomnity at 7:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
In fact, i happen to be seriously dating a 27 year old man like you. I would still be dating him if he had been a virgin (he wasn't very far off, actually). But I would have been seriously uncomfortable if he'd slept with a sex worker*, and doing it purely to rid of virginity would be a huge red flag for me.
Maybe you want to do it for other reasons and don't care about people judging you for it, in which case sure, go for it. But I'm strongly getting the idea that you're doing it to escape the shame you feel about virginity and fear about dating partners judging you... and if so, you should be aware that your plan is very likely to make things worse.
*Sorry to the sex workers, you're lovely people and I know it makes me shitty, but that's the way I feel, and I'm definitely not unusual in that.
posted by randomnity at 7:31 PM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
A good friend of mine lost his virginity to an escort. Same reasons as you.
He has had plenty of fulfilling relationships since, is a kind and decent person, and occasionally (though rarely) still visits escorts.
American society is remarkably awkward about sex work. It's historically common and normal. Losing your virginity is weird and full of pressure; having the help of a professional might make it simple.
posted by special agent conrad uno at 7:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
He has had plenty of fulfilling relationships since, is a kind and decent person, and occasionally (though rarely) still visits escorts.
American society is remarkably awkward about sex work. It's historically common and normal. Losing your virginity is weird and full of pressure; having the help of a professional might make it simple.
posted by special agent conrad uno at 7:42 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
OP is undoubtedly aware, of course, that future partners will only judge him for it if he tells them and I would suggest that would not be a good idea, OP, if you do go ahead with this.
But the stigma is definitely something you need to chalk up in the "negative" column here along with the illegality (assuming you're not in one of the very few places in the USA where it is not illegal).
posted by Justinian at 8:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
But the stigma is definitely something you need to chalk up in the "negative" column here along with the illegality (assuming you're not in one of the very few places in the USA where it is not illegal).
posted by Justinian at 8:11 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
There was an excellent post by Ironmouth in one thread (late blooming, I think- and I don't think 27 counts as one but that's me). From what I recall it emphasized the power of knowledge to override the inexperience as well as the feelings of inadequacy/inner chatter about inexperience- with a great real-life first experience and the partner not even realizing it. (Apologies to Ironmouth if my memory failed me on specifics). Characteristically witty and brilliantly answered, but alas, I can't find it right now!
Thoughts?
You've got the double-whammy of feeling "behind" at 27 and bridging two cultures with likely polar opposite viewpoints on such a subject. Please don't discount the significance of this and therefore be kinder to yourself. Folks say there is no reason to be ashamed of and yet in real life we are all aware of the movie and comments/jokes abound so I feel the don't-be-ashamed message takes from your experience and is a bit unfair to you. The fact that shame is attached to it is evident from the frequency of such posts!
Instead of a yes or no answer, there might be a third option- ride the feeling out but include this in your goals. Because-
- You are starting out. You've got a new job. Maybe moving out, dating etc etc. The list of all firsts IS coming your way.
- Your opinions and thoughts will change as a result of all these things coming your way- as have your beliefs in the past.
- Give yourself the chance of experiencing what you truly want, and take the time to think about what *you* truly want, irrespective of either culture and in-line with *your* values. Maybe that is sex in the context of a relationship where both people care about one another and maybe its checking an item off the list with a sex worker or maybe its just a one-night stand. You get to decide and live with the consequences of those choices.
- There are tons of reasons where people end up in life irrespective of what they believe or want. The immature people you will inevitably encounter (who react/judge before being curious about *you*) give you a filter to screen your dates. Its a win-win.
- You can also choose to not share. Because- your life, your choices.
Should I
No one can answer for you.
If I were on the other side-
- I would want to know why- and only if in late thirties or beyond. Not to justify the choice either way but to get a handle on the person's history.
- The choice to go for a professional would bother me - not because of moral reasons but because it would make me wonder how easily this person is going to crack under pressure (if that be the case) for the next fork down the road.
-There is real-life field work and then there is knowledge about sex, intimacy and relationships. The lack of the latter, not former, would be a deal breaker.
posted by xm at 10:19 PM on January 27, 2016
Thoughts?
You've got the double-whammy of feeling "behind" at 27 and bridging two cultures with likely polar opposite viewpoints on such a subject. Please don't discount the significance of this and therefore be kinder to yourself. Folks say there is no reason to be ashamed of and yet in real life we are all aware of the movie and comments/jokes abound so I feel the don't-be-ashamed message takes from your experience and is a bit unfair to you. The fact that shame is attached to it is evident from the frequency of such posts!
Instead of a yes or no answer, there might be a third option- ride the feeling out but include this in your goals. Because-
- You are starting out. You've got a new job. Maybe moving out, dating etc etc. The list of all firsts IS coming your way.
- Your opinions and thoughts will change as a result of all these things coming your way- as have your beliefs in the past.
- Give yourself the chance of experiencing what you truly want, and take the time to think about what *you* truly want, irrespective of either culture and in-line with *your* values. Maybe that is sex in the context of a relationship where both people care about one another and maybe its checking an item off the list with a sex worker or maybe its just a one-night stand. You get to decide and live with the consequences of those choices.
- There are tons of reasons where people end up in life irrespective of what they believe or want. The immature people you will inevitably encounter (who react/judge before being curious about *you*) give you a filter to screen your dates. Its a win-win.
- You can also choose to not share. Because- your life, your choices.
Should I
No one can answer for you.
If I were on the other side-
- I would want to know why- and only if in late thirties or beyond. Not to justify the choice either way but to get a handle on the person's history.
- The choice to go for a professional would bother me - not because of moral reasons but because it would make me wonder how easily this person is going to crack under pressure (if that be the case) for the next fork down the road.
-There is real-life field work and then there is knowledge about sex, intimacy and relationships. The lack of the latter, not former, would be a deal breaker.
posted by xm at 10:19 PM on January 27, 2016
Just to add a different perspective: I am in my forties, gay male, haven't had sex yet. I am definitely considering hiring a professional, someone who is paid to disregard my baggage. I am curious what it is like. It's fine if it's underwhelming. I'd just like to know before I die.
posted by beigeness at 1:13 PM on January 28, 2016
posted by beigeness at 1:13 PM on January 28, 2016
Posted with permission from my manfriend who lost his virginity to an escort at age 23:
"If all he wants to do is 'check it off the list,' I would suspect it isn't going to be worth it. But if he wants the experience, I'll highly recommend it. There's never any shame in going to an expert to try something new. And he stands to learn a lot from it (which could be appreciated by future partners)."
OK, back to my take: OP, I can speak as someone who's slept with my manfriend who lost his virginity to an escort (and continued seeing them a few times a year for a while)—his history didn't bug me in the slightest, and he knew his way around the bedroom.
Just my two cents.
posted by seesaw at 12:46 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
"If all he wants to do is 'check it off the list,' I would suspect it isn't going to be worth it. But if he wants the experience, I'll highly recommend it. There's never any shame in going to an expert to try something new. And he stands to learn a lot from it (which could be appreciated by future partners)."
OK, back to my take: OP, I can speak as someone who's slept with my manfriend who lost his virginity to an escort (and continued seeing them a few times a year for a while)—his history didn't bug me in the slightest, and he knew his way around the bedroom.
Just my two cents.
posted by seesaw at 12:46 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hello! I, too, got a late start, at just your age. I am a woman. I am glad I waited for true love. I wouldn't change a thing. BUT BUT BUT if I had had to wait even a month longer, I would have gone ahead and gotten it done by any means necessary. It does wear on you. When I met my then-partner, I was already getting the ball rolling on various "approaches" to losing it.
I think sometimes when people (not just on this thread, but in general) give advice like, well, establish a real connection, virginity is no big deal, etc., they may be coming from a place where they've never had too much trouble finding partners. Or maybe they did get a late start, too, but have since been very active or "successful." I have been there--I was a virgin past the prescribed time--and it isn't easy. I admire people who are personally at peace with their "late virginity." I was not. If I had had the presence of mind to be at peace, I probably would have had the presence of mind to have a boyfriend in college, etc.!!!
In greater NYC, many, many men single "past a certain age" visit escorts...they just don't talk about it. Unfortunately, I cannot give you specific advice on what and how. Do you have perhaps an older male friend, a guy who's been around, who could recommend a nice person or solid agency?
One middle-of-the-road choice would be an online hookup. Craigslist casual encounters or your local equivalent. I vote for exploring several of these options at the same time (while of course continuing to "get out there" and meet people the old-fashioned way ;) and see what works.
Good luck! The day will most definitely come when you, like me, are looking back on this time period as a thing of the past, and maybe offering friendly advice to another person.
posted by 8603 at 1:36 PM on February 3, 2016
I think sometimes when people (not just on this thread, but in general) give advice like, well, establish a real connection, virginity is no big deal, etc., they may be coming from a place where they've never had too much trouble finding partners. Or maybe they did get a late start, too, but have since been very active or "successful." I have been there--I was a virgin past the prescribed time--and it isn't easy. I admire people who are personally at peace with their "late virginity." I was not. If I had had the presence of mind to be at peace, I probably would have had the presence of mind to have a boyfriend in college, etc.!!!
In greater NYC, many, many men single "past a certain age" visit escorts...they just don't talk about it. Unfortunately, I cannot give you specific advice on what and how. Do you have perhaps an older male friend, a guy who's been around, who could recommend a nice person or solid agency?
One middle-of-the-road choice would be an online hookup. Craigslist casual encounters or your local equivalent. I vote for exploring several of these options at the same time (while of course continuing to "get out there" and meet people the old-fashioned way ;) and see what works.
Good luck! The day will most definitely come when you, like me, are looking back on this time period as a thing of the past, and maybe offering friendly advice to another person.
posted by 8603 at 1:36 PM on February 3, 2016
I am popping back in because of this recent thread.
There is no way I could have seen myself as deserving of therapy back then -- I would have thought of it as some kind of admission of defeat. But I wish that had not been the case. And I wish I'd had a safe space to work out some of my intimacy issues. Really what I needed was someone to help bring me out of my shell. If you are paying a professional to do this for you, consider finding a professional who's primary interest is your emotional well-being?
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:14 AM on February 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is no way I could have seen myself as deserving of therapy back then -- I would have thought of it as some kind of admission of defeat. But I wish that had not been the case. And I wish I'd had a safe space to work out some of my intimacy issues. Really what I needed was someone to help bring me out of my shell. If you are paying a professional to do this for you, consider finding a professional who's primary interest is your emotional well-being?
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:14 AM on February 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Most profiles on sites like Backpage use images stolen from elsewhere. Not that I'm advocating this approach, but you need to do a lot more research if you don't want to get ripped off (or worse). There are online forums where people review and discuss sex providers. You should start there.
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:01 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]