Midlife dating and how to cope with a sudden break up?
January 27, 2016 1:06 AM Subscribe
I'm in my early 50s and divorced for three years. For the last two years, I have been dating (but not living with) a man who is long-term separated from his wife who lives in a different country. This is an open relationship, not an affair. She is aware of me, and knows we are together. I have met her several times (we get on well) and I am introduced to the family as "Dad's good friend". He has two children, one at University and the other (16) lives with his Mom. During his last trip home, his 16 year old begged him to return home. My partner will likely do so. I know I can't play a part in this decision, but how do I take care of myself now?
In his home country, he and his wife have never publicised the separation-- it's explained as work-related even though they have been apart more than seven years. The terms of their separation were that he should live abroad, and that they would not officially divorce. He wanted a physical/romantic relationship, while his wife preferred to limit their intimacy to his family role. It was her choice to limit the relationship, and his choice to separate afterwards.
Although it was clearly difficult for his children at the time, he has a good relationship with them now. He feels his son would not ask without good reason, and therefore must prioritise those needs. I understand this. We both understand that returning equals settling down to be a married man once more. I'm not debating this point-- I may think it was a foolish agreement in many ways, but it was the agreement he made.
Obviously, I cannot be part of his decision process. I certainly cannot give objective advice. He needs to decide this himself.
I'm quite shocked and terribly hurt. We have a very good relationship and are as much best friends as lovers. We had both expected this to be our golden years relationship, although we were not in any hurry to live together. Unfortunately, this also means he's my main emotional support. Even if he decides to stay, it's made me realise clearly that a situation I thought was stable is unsound.
So how do I get through this? I find it hard to talk to my friends because I rarely share the whole story (it's not my story) and it feels strange to bring it up now. Also, I met him when I moved to this new city and I have deliberately downplayed the seriousness of our relationship. Not sure why-- after my divorce (which was public and messy) I wanted to keep it private. They know I'm dating him-- but I've purposefully referred to him as "my gentleman friend" and kept the descriptions light. How do I go from there to "oh and we had planned to spend the rest of our life together, but it hasn't worked out since he's gone back to xxx to be married again"? It seems awkward, no? I suppose that's why I'm asking here.
Do I think of him as dead? Do I stop speaking to him completely? This is going to take months to decide, move, etc. How do I suddenly transition to never talking to him again after talking to him every day for two years? At least in my divorce there was a kind of landing strip from finding out about my ex husband's affair to asking him to leave to finally divorcing-- but this feels so sudden and absolute. It's only more difficult because there's nothing wrong with our relationship itself. I'm not angry at him and we haven't fought or suddenly discovered we were incompatible. It just seems to be over, with no preface.
I realise I sound very stupid. Any advice helpful-- books, routines, strategies? I am already exercising regularly and get enough sleep (although not at the moment, naturally.) I suppose a therapist is a good idea, but I didn't find it very useful post divorce.
Thanks.
In his home country, he and his wife have never publicised the separation-- it's explained as work-related even though they have been apart more than seven years. The terms of their separation were that he should live abroad, and that they would not officially divorce. He wanted a physical/romantic relationship, while his wife preferred to limit their intimacy to his family role. It was her choice to limit the relationship, and his choice to separate afterwards.
Although it was clearly difficult for his children at the time, he has a good relationship with them now. He feels his son would not ask without good reason, and therefore must prioritise those needs. I understand this. We both understand that returning equals settling down to be a married man once more. I'm not debating this point-- I may think it was a foolish agreement in many ways, but it was the agreement he made.
Obviously, I cannot be part of his decision process. I certainly cannot give objective advice. He needs to decide this himself.
I'm quite shocked and terribly hurt. We have a very good relationship and are as much best friends as lovers. We had both expected this to be our golden years relationship, although we were not in any hurry to live together. Unfortunately, this also means he's my main emotional support. Even if he decides to stay, it's made me realise clearly that a situation I thought was stable is unsound.
So how do I get through this? I find it hard to talk to my friends because I rarely share the whole story (it's not my story) and it feels strange to bring it up now. Also, I met him when I moved to this new city and I have deliberately downplayed the seriousness of our relationship. Not sure why-- after my divorce (which was public and messy) I wanted to keep it private. They know I'm dating him-- but I've purposefully referred to him as "my gentleman friend" and kept the descriptions light. How do I go from there to "oh and we had planned to spend the rest of our life together, but it hasn't worked out since he's gone back to xxx to be married again"? It seems awkward, no? I suppose that's why I'm asking here.
Do I think of him as dead? Do I stop speaking to him completely? This is going to take months to decide, move, etc. How do I suddenly transition to never talking to him again after talking to him every day for two years? At least in my divorce there was a kind of landing strip from finding out about my ex husband's affair to asking him to leave to finally divorcing-- but this feels so sudden and absolute. It's only more difficult because there's nothing wrong with our relationship itself. I'm not angry at him and we haven't fought or suddenly discovered we were incompatible. It just seems to be over, with no preface.
I realise I sound very stupid. Any advice helpful-- books, routines, strategies? I am already exercising regularly and get enough sleep (although not at the moment, naturally.) I suppose a therapist is a good idea, but I didn't find it very useful post divorce.
Thanks.
I think if you've been with him for 2 years, then I think you can legitimately say you are 'part of the process' of this decision. The child in question is 16 - almost an adult. In two years, presumably they will be off to university or something else building their own life apart. The other is already at university. It's not like he's returning home to help raise two toddlers.
I would make it clear that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and then let him decide. Perhaps there are other options he is not considering to make what is clearly a complicated scenario 'work' for all parties in one way or another.
posted by modernnomad at 2:24 AM on January 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
I would make it clear that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and then let him decide. Perhaps there are other options he is not considering to make what is clearly a complicated scenario 'work' for all parties in one way or another.
posted by modernnomad at 2:24 AM on January 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
Absolutely agree that you don't sound stupid. In any way. You sound like a good person who's going through something very painful and difficult I really feel for you.
My feeling is that going no contact, at least for a while, is going to be the best way for you. He made his choice, forced though it may be, and feeling as you do about it, there doesn't seem to be anything to be gained from holding on in any way. All it will do is take you longer to heal. It's a tough thing to do with someone you still love and care for, but it is probably going to be the least painful of your options.
This is the point where you stop thinking about him and what you had together, and start thinking about you and what you want out of life from here on. He chose to not share that journey with you, you need to turn away from him and look forward.
I'm in my mid 50s. I recently separated from a lovely woman with whom there was no animosity and whom I still really care about. It's difficult, and it's painful, and it does get better.
When it happened, I started a new exercise regime and gave up the substance I'd been using to self-medicate and basically tried to fill in the gaps as best I could. I started feeling much better physically for that and it helps to get me through when I'm feeling sad about the loss. These situations are, as much as anything else, a great opportunity to grow and learn and renew ourselves. There is a lot to be grateful for about times like these.
And remember, people care about you. Please don't carry this all on your own.
posted by mewsic at 3:02 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
My feeling is that going no contact, at least for a while, is going to be the best way for you. He made his choice, forced though it may be, and feeling as you do about it, there doesn't seem to be anything to be gained from holding on in any way. All it will do is take you longer to heal. It's a tough thing to do with someone you still love and care for, but it is probably going to be the least painful of your options.
This is the point where you stop thinking about him and what you had together, and start thinking about you and what you want out of life from here on. He chose to not share that journey with you, you need to turn away from him and look forward.
I'm in my mid 50s. I recently separated from a lovely woman with whom there was no animosity and whom I still really care about. It's difficult, and it's painful, and it does get better.
When it happened, I started a new exercise regime and gave up the substance I'd been using to self-medicate and basically tried to fill in the gaps as best I could. I started feeling much better physically for that and it helps to get me through when I'm feeling sad about the loss. These situations are, as much as anything else, a great opportunity to grow and learn and renew ourselves. There is a lot to be grateful for about times like these.
And remember, people care about you. Please don't carry this all on your own.
posted by mewsic at 3:02 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm actually wondering if I misread this a bit now. I would preface all of that with "If you think it's over." If you don't then, I thoroughly agree with modernnomad.
posted by mewsic at 3:05 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by mewsic at 3:05 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Wow. How does, you know, his wife feel about this? I mean he's presumably moving back to resume a relationship of sorts with her, decided upon by her son and husband. Does she have no agency in this at all, because it sounds like he's moving in whether or not she likes it and three years out of her separation, one can only assume her life looks somewhat different in the interim too. The wife may not be down with this either and no one appears to have consulted her.
This sixteen year old is having fantasies of his parents getting back together and they are indulging it (or his dad at least) when quite likely once the child moves out to college or whatever in a couple of years, his parents go their seperate ways and he is heartbroken all over again. It seems quite cruel to let him think that it's all happy families once more when it just isn't. Now obviously this isn't your issue but I wonder how much this father has really thought things through. Guilt shouldn't be his motivation behind all this. If he really wants to make things work with his ex, that's one thing but it doesn't seem to be the case.
Anyway, what do you do? Raise these points, ask him if he is expecting you to wait around, (it doesn't sound like the case but who knows) but really, all you can do is walk away. I think this is devastating for you and you're quite right to feel how you feel. I would go no contact, tell a close friend so you have someone to cry to and yes, therapy, if you think it will help this time.
posted by Jubey at 3:08 AM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
This sixteen year old is having fantasies of his parents getting back together and they are indulging it (or his dad at least) when quite likely once the child moves out to college or whatever in a couple of years, his parents go their seperate ways and he is heartbroken all over again. It seems quite cruel to let him think that it's all happy families once more when it just isn't. Now obviously this isn't your issue but I wonder how much this father has really thought things through. Guilt shouldn't be his motivation behind all this. If he really wants to make things work with his ex, that's one thing but it doesn't seem to be the case.
Anyway, what do you do? Raise these points, ask him if he is expecting you to wait around, (it doesn't sound like the case but who knows) but really, all you can do is walk away. I think this is devastating for you and you're quite right to feel how you feel. I would go no contact, tell a close friend so you have someone to cry to and yes, therapy, if you think it will help this time.
posted by Jubey at 3:08 AM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]
Agreed, you don't sound stupid at all. You sound like a wise and thoughtful person trying to navigate something incredibly painful. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Given what you said about feeling like best friends and life partners, I do think there's a place for you in this conversation - if you want it. I can understand retreating, from pain and/or respect for his need to decide this on his own. But I also think it's fair to fight for this a bit. People sometimes haven't looked at something from the same angle you bring, so a conversation that you worry is "trying to talk someone into something" isn't necessarily selfish; you bring a love for him and an understanding of the situation that is valuable. I think it'd be fair to express your feelings (very hurt, expected to spend the rest of my life with you), ask how he's feeling and what he's planning (do you see yourself as returning permanently?), suggest he consider returning, and try to find a way to accommodate his need to return for his son's sake as life partners.
But I feel like my comment is in the "bargaining" stage while you sound like you're emotionally moving into the sadness / grieving stage. That'll be very hard to do while still around him. I think it would also be fair, if you wanted to, to say "it's just too painful to be around you now" and move into the phase of no contact and really taking care of yourself. If you haven't read When Things Fall Apart, it's a wonderful book to read during a breakup.
Do you have even one friend you can share this with?
posted by salvia at 3:18 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Given what you said about feeling like best friends and life partners, I do think there's a place for you in this conversation - if you want it. I can understand retreating, from pain and/or respect for his need to decide this on his own. But I also think it's fair to fight for this a bit. People sometimes haven't looked at something from the same angle you bring, so a conversation that you worry is "trying to talk someone into something" isn't necessarily selfish; you bring a love for him and an understanding of the situation that is valuable. I think it'd be fair to express your feelings (very hurt, expected to spend the rest of my life with you), ask how he's feeling and what he's planning (do you see yourself as returning permanently?), suggest he consider returning, and try to find a way to accommodate his need to return for his son's sake as life partners.
But I feel like my comment is in the "bargaining" stage while you sound like you're emotionally moving into the sadness / grieving stage. That'll be very hard to do while still around him. I think it would also be fair, if you wanted to, to say "it's just too painful to be around you now" and move into the phase of no contact and really taking care of yourself. If you haven't read When Things Fall Apart, it's a wonderful book to read during a breakup.
Do you have even one friend you can share this with?
posted by salvia at 3:18 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't think it's helpful or accurate to frame this as "he's gone back to be married again." While he will be living in the family home it sounds like he's going back to parent again. While the outcome for you is the same, the situation is not at all the same.
And there's nothing stupid about you in this situation, either. If his return is driven by the needs of his son, presumably he'd return to meet those needs even if he was divorced.
What is his visa situation? If he relocates back to his home country for a few years, does this close the door to him returning as a resident of your home country? Is he offering termination of your relationship as his only option?
More than that, I think you need to share this with your friends. "We were together, we thought we'd spend our golden years together, but he's had to return to take care of his son and I'm heartbroken" isn't a thing you need to hide.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:32 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
And there's nothing stupid about you in this situation, either. If his return is driven by the needs of his son, presumably he'd return to meet those needs even if he was divorced.
What is his visa situation? If he relocates back to his home country for a few years, does this close the door to him returning as a resident of your home country? Is he offering termination of your relationship as his only option?
More than that, I think you need to share this with your friends. "We were together, we thought we'd spend our golden years together, but he's had to return to take care of his son and I'm heartbroken" isn't a thing you need to hide.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:32 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
The way you describe your downplaying this relationship to others gives me pause: if you are, for whatever reason, afraid to talk about him to others as someone you deeply love - whether it's from fear of commitment on your own behalf because of your divorce, or tentativity on his as he's still not divorced, or whatever your underlying reason - are you sure that he knows how you feel about him? Are you certain that he isn't reading your actions around others in your life as an indication that this relationship, however good when you're together, isn't where your heart lies?
I know that if I were in a relationship with someone who never introduced me to their friends and relatives as someone important, I would assume I wasn't truly important to them.
Could he be making this decision thinking that you are only somewhat committed to him? Even the fact that you feel you have no voice in this decision looks to me like you have been telling him he's on his own to make this decision, even implying that you're fine either way.
I am a stepmother, and while I agree completely that it's his job as a parent to put his children's needs ahead of other consideration, that doesn't mean he has carte blanche to trample the needs of other family members. Part of parenting is demonstrating what adult relationships look like (perhaps especially with teenagers). If he genuinely isn't taking your feelings and needs into consideration at all, and he really is the good guy you describe, is it possible you've inadvertently convinced him that you think his son's desires are valid and yours are not? If his son put him between a rock and a hard place, and you made the hard place softer for him, is it any wonder he finds leaving an easier decision to make?
TL;DR: You can be part of his decision process. You deserve to be. It doesn't mean that he will decide to stay, but if he does leave, you will at least have the knowledge that you did everything you could. Helplessness is one of the hardest feelings to overcome - that's what you should try to avoid, if possible.
posted by Mchelly at 5:25 AM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
I know that if I were in a relationship with someone who never introduced me to their friends and relatives as someone important, I would assume I wasn't truly important to them.
Could he be making this decision thinking that you are only somewhat committed to him? Even the fact that you feel you have no voice in this decision looks to me like you have been telling him he's on his own to make this decision, even implying that you're fine either way.
I am a stepmother, and while I agree completely that it's his job as a parent to put his children's needs ahead of other consideration, that doesn't mean he has carte blanche to trample the needs of other family members. Part of parenting is demonstrating what adult relationships look like (perhaps especially with teenagers). If he genuinely isn't taking your feelings and needs into consideration at all, and he really is the good guy you describe, is it possible you've inadvertently convinced him that you think his son's desires are valid and yours are not? If his son put him between a rock and a hard place, and you made the hard place softer for him, is it any wonder he finds leaving an easier decision to make?
TL;DR: You can be part of his decision process. You deserve to be. It doesn't mean that he will decide to stay, but if he does leave, you will at least have the knowledge that you did everything you could. Helplessness is one of the hardest feelings to overcome - that's what you should try to avoid, if possible.
posted by Mchelly at 5:25 AM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
How do I go from there to "oh and we had planned to spend the rest of our life together, but it hasn't worked out since he's gone back to xxx to be married again"? It seems awkward, no? I suppose that's why I'm asking here.
Oh please do not let this stop you. Now is the time to reach out. I get the feeling that you are a reserved, non-dramatic type. But genuine friends will want to understand what's going on with you.
Your feelings are important and deserve to be heard.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:35 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh please do not let this stop you. Now is the time to reach out. I get the feeling that you are a reserved, non-dramatic type. But genuine friends will want to understand what's going on with you.
Your feelings are important and deserve to be heard.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:35 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry, this sucks.
First of all, feel free to share the whole story, it IS your story. He brought you into it, and the complexity of the situation is material to your situation in life right now.
I'm your age and I know that dealing with dating and partnering in middle age is a nightmare. Again, I am SO sorry this is happening, especially since you thought you had it all sewn up, your disappointment must be crushing.
I find rallying my friends and telling them everything is always helpful.
You absolutely need to cut him off completely. It sucks, but his behavior is appalling and silly and he doesn't deserve your friendship.
Here's what I'd do:
1. Put up the Batsignal to all of your friends, tell them to bring wine, chocolate, Kleenex and black candles. You are going to tell them all EVERYTHING.
2. Figure out housing. Move out, move him out. Don't delay, take some time off of work and deconstruct the life you've built together. If you have to, couch-surf among your friends until he goes.
3. I favor moving to a different address, but if that's not feasible, rearrange the furniture, get new bedding, do a sage smudge and otherwise 'clear' your space.
4. Get some new clothes, throw away the things that have significance or meaning from your relationship, change your perfume.
5. Take a road trip. I advocate with your friends, but alone can work. It's either a Vegas debauch, or a mindful-spa-yoga retreat. Whichever works for you. Get out of your surroundings and renew yourself.
6. Realize that you're not going to be in a good place for awhile. This is really upsetting and unfair and plain stupid and wasteful.
7. Do more with your friends. THESE are the people with whom you will spend your golden years.
Frankly, this man is not worthy of you. Someone who would cave to emotional blackmail from a nearly grown child, after seven years of separation is not really the person you thought you were coupled with. To do it unilaterally, suddenly and nonsensically....Woman, get ANGRY! He's danced you around but good, and you deserve to be furious.
If you're in Atlanta, I'll be happy to come over, make you a cup of tea and help you pack.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
First of all, feel free to share the whole story, it IS your story. He brought you into it, and the complexity of the situation is material to your situation in life right now.
I'm your age and I know that dealing with dating and partnering in middle age is a nightmare. Again, I am SO sorry this is happening, especially since you thought you had it all sewn up, your disappointment must be crushing.
I find rallying my friends and telling them everything is always helpful.
You absolutely need to cut him off completely. It sucks, but his behavior is appalling and silly and he doesn't deserve your friendship.
Here's what I'd do:
1. Put up the Batsignal to all of your friends, tell them to bring wine, chocolate, Kleenex and black candles. You are going to tell them all EVERYTHING.
2. Figure out housing. Move out, move him out. Don't delay, take some time off of work and deconstruct the life you've built together. If you have to, couch-surf among your friends until he goes.
3. I favor moving to a different address, but if that's not feasible, rearrange the furniture, get new bedding, do a sage smudge and otherwise 'clear' your space.
4. Get some new clothes, throw away the things that have significance or meaning from your relationship, change your perfume.
5. Take a road trip. I advocate with your friends, but alone can work. It's either a Vegas debauch, or a mindful-spa-yoga retreat. Whichever works for you. Get out of your surroundings and renew yourself.
6. Realize that you're not going to be in a good place for awhile. This is really upsetting and unfair and plain stupid and wasteful.
7. Do more with your friends. THESE are the people with whom you will spend your golden years.
Frankly, this man is not worthy of you. Someone who would cave to emotional blackmail from a nearly grown child, after seven years of separation is not really the person you thought you were coupled with. To do it unilaterally, suddenly and nonsensically....Woman, get ANGRY! He's danced you around but good, and you deserve to be furious.
If you're in Atlanta, I'll be happy to come over, make you a cup of tea and help you pack.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Obviously, I cannot be part of his decision process.
Of course you can. You are not expected to give objective advice, but this affects you so you have a right to be involved up until the point that either of you decides to end it.
Even if he decides to stay, it's made me realise clearly that a situation I thought was stable is unsound.
I think this is important to keep in mind, and should serve as incentive to deepen some of your other relationships.
I find it hard to talk to my friends because I rarely share the whole story (it's not my story)
Perhaps not at the beginning, but it it very much your story now. It is affecting your life, and therefore it is your story. Talk with your friends - or *a* friend, if there is one you feel a particular affinity for. Build your network. Open up a bit. Let people help.
I've purposefully referred to him as "my gentleman friend" and kept the descriptions light. How do I go from there to "oh and we had planned to spend the rest of our life together, but it hasn't worked out since he's gone back to xxx to be married again"? It seems awkward, no? I suppose that's why I'm asking here.
It will be awkward, and probably challenging for you emotionally, to tell your story the first time. But your friends probably are aware that your relationship is more serious than you have let on, and will likely respond with compassion and support for your loss, regardless of the details (which are hardly unheard of - you may be surprised by what your friends share with you in response about similar situations).
posted by headnsouth at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Of course you can. You are not expected to give objective advice, but this affects you so you have a right to be involved up until the point that either of you decides to end it.
Even if he decides to stay, it's made me realise clearly that a situation I thought was stable is unsound.
I think this is important to keep in mind, and should serve as incentive to deepen some of your other relationships.
I find it hard to talk to my friends because I rarely share the whole story (it's not my story)
Perhaps not at the beginning, but it it very much your story now. It is affecting your life, and therefore it is your story. Talk with your friends - or *a* friend, if there is one you feel a particular affinity for. Build your network. Open up a bit. Let people help.
I've purposefully referred to him as "my gentleman friend" and kept the descriptions light. How do I go from there to "oh and we had planned to spend the rest of our life together, but it hasn't worked out since he's gone back to xxx to be married again"? It seems awkward, no? I suppose that's why I'm asking here.
It will be awkward, and probably challenging for you emotionally, to tell your story the first time. But your friends probably are aware that your relationship is more serious than you have let on, and will likely respond with compassion and support for your loss, regardless of the details (which are hardly unheard of - you may be surprised by what your friends share with you in response about similar situations).
posted by headnsouth at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty ticked at this guy, on your behalf. Of course you can fight for your relationship, if you want to. You don't have to give up.
Sounds like he's in an arranged marriage, which puts perspective on his culture, the relationship with his wife, and his listening to the kid's appeals. But finding love and happiness was important enough for him to leave them and spend 2 happy years with you. And now he's going to suddenly throw that away and go back to the same unhappy life, and what? wistfully reminisce on the good times he had with you for the rest of his life? He doesn't have to give that up, and you can remind him of all the things you have together that he's letting go.
What's really at play here is the kid's happiness. But that kid is only going to be home for another 2 years before he goes to university too, and then it'll be just dad and his wife at home with the loveless marriage. Has he even considered alternatives to going back? What about spending more time with the kid, which I bet is what kid really wants - bring him out to stay with dad on the summer vacation, for instance.
But if you're resigned to letting him walk away...
As a divorcee, I understand how hard you want to hold onto the next decent relationship you have after the divorce. And I understand how private you want to keep things. But opening up to friends is much much better than therapists (strangers) in terms of getting support on losing a relationship. Choose a friend you feel would be sympathetic and open up to him/her, and they will probably surprise you with their kindness.
If you're sure it's over, then go no contact with him. It is so hard, but this is where you need to cultivate the friendships and hobbies/activities you already have to fill the void in your life he leaves behind. Go on dates with men, just to feel attractive and interesting and remind yourself that he's losing out, you're awesome. Because a break-up is a break-up, regardless of how nice he tries to let you down.
posted by lizbunny at 7:39 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sounds like he's in an arranged marriage, which puts perspective on his culture, the relationship with his wife, and his listening to the kid's appeals. But finding love and happiness was important enough for him to leave them and spend 2 happy years with you. And now he's going to suddenly throw that away and go back to the same unhappy life, and what? wistfully reminisce on the good times he had with you for the rest of his life? He doesn't have to give that up, and you can remind him of all the things you have together that he's letting go.
What's really at play here is the kid's happiness. But that kid is only going to be home for another 2 years before he goes to university too, and then it'll be just dad and his wife at home with the loveless marriage. Has he even considered alternatives to going back? What about spending more time with the kid, which I bet is what kid really wants - bring him out to stay with dad on the summer vacation, for instance.
But if you're resigned to letting him walk away...
As a divorcee, I understand how hard you want to hold onto the next decent relationship you have after the divorce. And I understand how private you want to keep things. But opening up to friends is much much better than therapists (strangers) in terms of getting support on losing a relationship. Choose a friend you feel would be sympathetic and open up to him/her, and they will probably surprise you with their kindness.
If you're sure it's over, then go no contact with him. It is so hard, but this is where you need to cultivate the friendships and hobbies/activities you already have to fill the void in your life he leaves behind. Go on dates with men, just to feel attractive and interesting and remind yourself that he's losing out, you're awesome. Because a break-up is a break-up, regardless of how nice he tries to let you down.
posted by lizbunny at 7:39 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've purposefully referred to him as "my gentleman friend"
Whenever I hear anyone talking about their gentleman friend I assume there is something more than "just a friend". It's a euphemism, sure, but it's common enough your friends already know there's more to the story, but they are not so rude as to point out the obvious euphemism. And they know it's not a simple story, or you would have told it. You aren't going to shock them.
Talk with your friends. You'll grow closer with them as you share more.
posted by yohko at 12:05 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Whenever I hear anyone talking about their gentleman friend I assume there is something more than "just a friend". It's a euphemism, sure, but it's common enough your friends already know there's more to the story, but they are not so rude as to point out the obvious euphemism. And they know it's not a simple story, or you would have told it. You aren't going to shock them.
Talk with your friends. You'll grow closer with them as you share more.
posted by yohko at 12:05 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
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I get the feeling that you want to be able to talk about what you're going through, but that you can't do that with your partner (for obvious reasons), or your friends (because there would be a whole backstory to get through first).
I'm going to be the ultimate cliched AskMeFi poster and suggest finding a therapist that you feel comfortable talking to. It's all about finding the right one. Try a few out, and see how you feel. The right therapist will make you feel comfortable enough to say things that you would never dream of saying to a friend (you know, the bad, evil thoughts everyone has, but that you don't say to anyone else because you think they would think that you're a bad person - for instance in this situation, you seem to be very understanding of your partner's decision, but it's okay to be really angry and upset and hurt at the same time), will ask the challenging questions that even your best friends wouldn't ask, and will support you through change.
(But even if you don't go into detail with your friends, do reach out to them and tell them that the relationship has ended and you're feeling sad. Let them look after you and support you. You don't have to go through this alone.)
posted by finding.perdita at 1:46 AM on January 27, 2016 [4 favorites]