How to get over being catfished?
January 25, 2016 8:20 PM Subscribe
I made a friend over Instagram. Yay! She turned out to be a catfisher. Boo.
We texted every day for well over a year, until one day when she deleted her ig, started a new private one, blocked me from that and blocked my phone number (I assume.)
At first I felt rejected, but then I figured out that the person in the photos and the person who lived at her address were two different people. Now I feel so foolish. This person seemed to just want my time, no requests for money or outlandish favors.
I don't know what to do with my feelings of anger and sadness. I want REVENGE but I don't want to doxx her. I also want to be an adult who is understanding of mentally ill people, even mentally ill people who toyed with my emotions for a long time. How do I come to terms with this? Plus I miss the person I talked to every day, even if they don't actually exist.
We texted every day for well over a year, until one day when she deleted her ig, started a new private one, blocked me from that and blocked my phone number (I assume.)
At first I felt rejected, but then I figured out that the person in the photos and the person who lived at her address were two different people. Now I feel so foolish. This person seemed to just want my time, no requests for money or outlandish favors.
I don't know what to do with my feelings of anger and sadness. I want REVENGE but I don't want to doxx her. I also want to be an adult who is understanding of mentally ill people, even mentally ill people who toyed with my emotions for a long time. How do I come to terms with this? Plus I miss the person I talked to every day, even if they don't actually exist.
When you lose someone, it's appropriate to mourn them, right? You need to take time to process, no matter the cause. It's okay to mourn someone even if you're mourning the person you thought someone was, and even if they turned out to be a phantom. It's a hole in your heart, with added betrayal and confusion. Thoroughly awful and perplexing.
Please don't feel foolish. Please don't feel like you've been outwitted by some mastermind, because... No. People who are happy and well don't catfish. It's a shame, because the stuff that can be faked is never the stuff that really makes up the soul of a friendship anyway. They had the ingredients to be a friend already, but for whatever reason, felt they had to hide behind a persona. It always self destructs though, because lies aren't sustainable.
Go through all the feelings! Sad, betrayed, disappointed, angry. Take as long as it takes. Eventually, take solace in the fact that your time and care was a gift of kindness to a person too messed-up to return the favor. If one has to be somewhere in that unhappy equation, your side is probably the preferable.
I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
posted by Lou Stuells at 9:15 PM on January 25, 2016 [44 favorites]
Please don't feel foolish. Please don't feel like you've been outwitted by some mastermind, because... No. People who are happy and well don't catfish. It's a shame, because the stuff that can be faked is never the stuff that really makes up the soul of a friendship anyway. They had the ingredients to be a friend already, but for whatever reason, felt they had to hide behind a persona. It always self destructs though, because lies aren't sustainable.
Go through all the feelings! Sad, betrayed, disappointed, angry. Take as long as it takes. Eventually, take solace in the fact that your time and care was a gift of kindness to a person too messed-up to return the favor. If one has to be somewhere in that unhappy equation, your side is probably the preferable.
I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
posted by Lou Stuells at 9:15 PM on January 25, 2016 [44 favorites]
Eventually, take solace in the fact that your time and care was a gift of kindness to a person too messed-up to return the favor. If one has to be somewhere in that unhappy equation, your side is probably the preferable.
Gonna paste this here again cause I can benefit from reading it again. Thanks, Lou Stells.
posted by holyrood at 9:22 PM on January 25, 2016 [37 favorites]
Gonna paste this here again cause I can benefit from reading it again. Thanks, Lou Stells.
posted by holyrood at 9:22 PM on January 25, 2016 [37 favorites]
Just to consider: maybe she wasn't catfishing you to be malicious but rather had a sudden life change and had to abandon her account. Maybe she's in an abusive situation and her contact with you was a lifeline as long as it could last. Maybe she's underage and her parent or guardian found her account and forced her to delete it. Maybe you said something that frightened her (unintentionally) and she got scared and blocked you. Maybe other people were catfishing her and she suddenly wasn't sure who to trust. Maybe she had to go into treatment and wanted a fresh start. Maybe she was falling in love with you and realized it wasn't do-able, and disappeared.
Then again, maybe she was a mean jerk and your anger is justified. I think you're wise to recognize your feelings and well as good to be cautious not to overact, even if you're justifiably upset. I know there are times I've had to leave online situations and wasn't as smooth as I would have liked; others have done the same to me. In the end, things work out and, like others have said, there's often clarity or, at the very least, the sting gets less intense over time.
I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've been online but I remember a time when the internet was considered less savory than it is today. There was a general assumption that everyone you meet online was dangerous or at least not who they were pretending to be. The internet has gotten a lot "safer" (or at least gone mainstream) and there is often more accountability. So much, in fact, that we can forget that it's not always legit -- just as life in person isn't always how we think it is. However, when things go sour online, we feel stupid for having been so trusting in the first place.
Please don't be hard on yourself: what you and she had, the online friendship, clearly was positive while it lasted. I know it hurts so much now -- and do allow yourself to mourn, as others have said -- but I hope eventually you will be able to remember the good or at least be able to focus less on the bad. But it's fresh now and will hurt for awhile, and that's OK. Perhaps reaching out to other people online will help you feel better or taking a break from Instagram could help. Would you like a fresh start there or something simple like a name change? Of course, no rush or need to but always an option. Perhaps talking to more in-person friends about what happened might help you feel more connected: if not to her, then to others. It's no consolation but perhaps consider that the ending of this ultimately frustrating friendship will, indeed, eventually lead to more fulfilling and positive online and in-person relationships. I wish you all the best!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Then again, maybe she was a mean jerk and your anger is justified. I think you're wise to recognize your feelings and well as good to be cautious not to overact, even if you're justifiably upset. I know there are times I've had to leave online situations and wasn't as smooth as I would have liked; others have done the same to me. In the end, things work out and, like others have said, there's often clarity or, at the very least, the sting gets less intense over time.
I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've been online but I remember a time when the internet was considered less savory than it is today. There was a general assumption that everyone you meet online was dangerous or at least not who they were pretending to be. The internet has gotten a lot "safer" (or at least gone mainstream) and there is often more accountability. So much, in fact, that we can forget that it's not always legit -- just as life in person isn't always how we think it is. However, when things go sour online, we feel stupid for having been so trusting in the first place.
Please don't be hard on yourself: what you and she had, the online friendship, clearly was positive while it lasted. I know it hurts so much now -- and do allow yourself to mourn, as others have said -- but I hope eventually you will be able to remember the good or at least be able to focus less on the bad. But it's fresh now and will hurt for awhile, and that's OK. Perhaps reaching out to other people online will help you feel better or taking a break from Instagram could help. Would you like a fresh start there or something simple like a name change? Of course, no rush or need to but always an option. Perhaps talking to more in-person friends about what happened might help you feel more connected: if not to her, then to others. It's no consolation but perhaps consider that the ending of this ultimately frustrating friendship will, indeed, eventually lead to more fulfilling and positive online and in-person relationships. I wish you all the best!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Also, to consider: please don't let this one sour experience ruin the positive connections you have with other users on Instagram! Say you had 300 followers before this happened, then 299 of them are still neutral to positive connections. You probably have followers who wish they could become better friends with you, too. There's a lot of good despite the bad, and maybe the one bad wasn't intended to be as horrible as it feels and seems.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:06 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 10:06 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is getting blocked your only evidence?
Are you sure she doesn't just have roommates and the lease is in someone elses name?
Hell, i've rented houses where if you looked it up online it still showed as a previous tenants name YEARS later.
Like, occams razor and all that. Every time someone brings up a scenario like this it's generally way more likely that she just... cut off a bunch of people? or just you? Or got into a relationship where the other person felt weird about the online relationship? or just can't do a ton of social interaction right now?
I'm struggling to see the catfishing here. Being cut off does not equal catfishing.
posted by emptythought at 10:58 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
Are you sure she doesn't just have roommates and the lease is in someone elses name?
Hell, i've rented houses where if you looked it up online it still showed as a previous tenants name YEARS later.
Like, occams razor and all that. Every time someone brings up a scenario like this it's generally way more likely that she just... cut off a bunch of people? or just you? Or got into a relationship where the other person felt weird about the online relationship? or just can't do a ton of social interaction right now?
I'm struggling to see the catfishing here. Being cut off does not equal catfishing.
posted by emptythought at 10:58 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm old - teenager in the 80's, in my 20's in the 90's. I grew up in LI/NYC, my dad was in IT before it was called IT. I grew up as computers and the Internet grew up...
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I definitely had a few "serious" relationships that started online turn weird, always with folks I barely knew IRL. I also made some great long lasting connections that started online.
The rule I observed was if it did not jump to face-to-face within 2 weeks - further involvement always ended weird. People often pretend. It's SO easy to pretend online. Sooner or later, long online only connections...they evaporate. As they are meant to, it is built into the way they come about.
It's so easy to text or message or whatever. There's no real investment by one or both parties involved.
Welcome to having a bit of perspective about these things. So sorry it stings so much. I know! I've been there!!
Think of this experience as being about you conversing with yourself, you interacting with your deeper feelings. The person on the outside was just a sounding board - everything you expressed was still Your Personal Truth. Also sometimes helpful, just in case?
Happy People Don't Do Bad Things.
If this person was faking, well, that was a Bad Thing.
Rest easy knowing you would never want their true inner life. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's OK to learn from this, tho. You're still a great person. You must have been interesting to exchange with! They kept it up for so long :))
Hope that helps you put this into perspective. Best.
posted by jbenben at 11:26 PM on January 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I definitely had a few "serious" relationships that started online turn weird, always with folks I barely knew IRL. I also made some great long lasting connections that started online.
The rule I observed was if it did not jump to face-to-face within 2 weeks - further involvement always ended weird. People often pretend. It's SO easy to pretend online. Sooner or later, long online only connections...they evaporate. As they are meant to, it is built into the way they come about.
It's so easy to text or message or whatever. There's no real investment by one or both parties involved.
Welcome to having a bit of perspective about these things. So sorry it stings so much. I know! I've been there!!
Think of this experience as being about you conversing with yourself, you interacting with your deeper feelings. The person on the outside was just a sounding board - everything you expressed was still Your Personal Truth. Also sometimes helpful, just in case?
Happy People Don't Do Bad Things.
If this person was faking, well, that was a Bad Thing.
Rest easy knowing you would never want their true inner life. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's OK to learn from this, tho. You're still a great person. You must have been interesting to exchange with! They kept it up for so long :))
Hope that helps you put this into perspective. Best.
posted by jbenben at 11:26 PM on January 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
How about writing up the experience, fictionalised as a novel (or novella - short story if that's too much)? Seriously - it's a way of working through all aspects of the experience, provides a sort of resolution and leaves you with something positive.
posted by Segundus at 1:47 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Segundus at 1:47 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry this happened to you. That sucks.
Have you seen the show Catfish? You might want to watch a few episodes. The person who catfishes always turns out to be a really sad and pathetic person.
There was one chick, Tracey who was both on Catfish and Dr. Phil. She's totally obnoxious but really pathetic. Thoroughly unlikable. But all you can think is, what terrible things have happened to her to make her this way?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:51 AM on January 26, 2016
Have you seen the show Catfish? You might want to watch a few episodes. The person who catfishes always turns out to be a really sad and pathetic person.
There was one chick, Tracey who was both on Catfish and Dr. Phil. She's totally obnoxious but really pathetic. Thoroughly unlikable. But all you can think is, what terrible things have happened to her to make her this way?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:51 AM on January 26, 2016
Oh Please do not pull that tired old "everything happens for a reason" statement on this poster. Learn from it, yes, grieve for the person you thought was a friend but was not, be angry that you were used, but there is no " reason" behind it except the bad intent of the person who did this for whatever reason. Be wary of such future connections. It is so easy for anyone to be anything on the internet, and some people do some sick things to others. Sorry this happened to you.
posted by mermayd at 3:53 AM on January 26, 2016 [31 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 3:53 AM on January 26, 2016 [31 favorites]
Is your desire for revenge coming from your grief and inability to deal with your strong emotions about losing this person you thought you had, or is it because you feel they had bad intent/ did something terrible to you? You don't say how they lied about who they are (whether they made up an entire different life for themselves, if they just posted a different photo, etc.) but thinking about the reasons they had for it, and the likely fact that they were absolutely not trying to hurt you, make fun of you, etc. might help.
Is more of your sadness because you're suddenly cut off from someone who owed you more than that, or because you feel duped? I think it's probably more productive to focus on the former, if that's the biggest problem; just because the person you had the relationship with wasn't "real" in the way you expected doesn't mean you don't miss her. If that's the case, handle it in whatever way you'd handle a more typical breakup. (And yes, even though you never met this person in real life or called her your girlfriend or whatever, it was a real and meaningful relationship to you, and that's legit and doesn't make you a loser or a fool.)
posted by metasarah at 4:48 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Is more of your sadness because you're suddenly cut off from someone who owed you more than that, or because you feel duped? I think it's probably more productive to focus on the former, if that's the biggest problem; just because the person you had the relationship with wasn't "real" in the way you expected doesn't mean you don't miss her. If that's the case, handle it in whatever way you'd handle a more typical breakup. (And yes, even though you never met this person in real life or called her your girlfriend or whatever, it was a real and meaningful relationship to you, and that's legit and doesn't make you a loser or a fool.)
posted by metasarah at 4:48 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
[for other old folks: catfished: Being deceived over facebook as the deceiver professed their romantic feelings to his/her victim, but isn't who they say they are.]
i can see why you're angry. but as others here are saying, this is pretty damn sad. and, particularly if you're male, there are obvious issues about society, body image etc (on the other side). i think you have to chalk this up to the fucked up world we live in tbh.
but, again, i can see how frustrating this must feel. and lonely. sorry, dude.
maybe it's not for you, but there was a recent thread about treating a break-up as a death, and mourning (iirc). something along those lines (maybe a "voodoo" (i am sure it's not, at all, but you get the idea) ceremony where you burn a doll would help with the revenge side...) - some ritual that draws a line in the sand...?
posted by andrewcooke at 5:16 AM on January 26, 2016
i can see why you're angry. but as others here are saying, this is pretty damn sad. and, particularly if you're male, there are obvious issues about society, body image etc (on the other side). i think you have to chalk this up to the fucked up world we live in tbh.
but, again, i can see how frustrating this must feel. and lonely. sorry, dude.
maybe it's not for you, but there was a recent thread about treating a break-up as a death, and mourning (iirc). something along those lines (maybe a "voodoo" (i am sure it's not, at all, but you get the idea) ceremony where you burn a doll would help with the revenge side...) - some ritual that draws a line in the sand...?
posted by andrewcooke at 5:16 AM on January 26, 2016
I am sorry that this happened to you. I recently had something similar happen to me--albeit a bit different in that I had a very minimal in-person friendship with himin addition to an online one--so I know how bewildering and hurtful it is.
One thing you should know: this is what catfishers do. This woman has done this same exact thing to many other people before you and she will continue to do it to many people after you. She genuinely thinks this is how relationships are supposed to work. You could sit down and have a five-hour heart-to-heart with her about how fucked up it was for things to go down this way and she still would not understand you or why you're hurt. To that end, there can never be "closure" in a friendship like this because she is truly incapable of understanding why you're mad; in her mind, this is an totally normal resolution to a friendship.
Not all relationships teach you something. Sometimes you simply misjudge a very superficial relationship as having more depth than it really does. Once I came to accept this about my own friendship (it certainly felt like there was substance to it while it was happening, it is only in retrospect that I can see the true flimsiness of it) it was pretty easy to get over. There is a lot less to miss once you accept there was almost nothing there to begin with. As you process this friendship, and you should take as much time as you need to process it, really think about what it is that you miss. Is it her, as a unique individual? Did you really have a special connection? Or any connection at all? My guess is that after you think about it more, you'll realize how little there was between you two. It will make you feel silly and duped, but it will clarify for you what it is you want out of online and in-person relationships. Your future friendships will be all the better and more satisfying after this self-reflection.
Finally, Lou Stuells is spon-on: it is much better to be a generally trusting person capable of fulfilling relationships who gets duped once, than a serial catfisher with no lasting relationships. Eventually, you will come to pity this woman, as you should.
posted by scantee at 7:26 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing you should know: this is what catfishers do. This woman has done this same exact thing to many other people before you and she will continue to do it to many people after you. She genuinely thinks this is how relationships are supposed to work. You could sit down and have a five-hour heart-to-heart with her about how fucked up it was for things to go down this way and she still would not understand you or why you're hurt. To that end, there can never be "closure" in a friendship like this because she is truly incapable of understanding why you're mad; in her mind, this is an totally normal resolution to a friendship.
Not all relationships teach you something. Sometimes you simply misjudge a very superficial relationship as having more depth than it really does. Once I came to accept this about my own friendship (it certainly felt like there was substance to it while it was happening, it is only in retrospect that I can see the true flimsiness of it) it was pretty easy to get over. There is a lot less to miss once you accept there was almost nothing there to begin with. As you process this friendship, and you should take as much time as you need to process it, really think about what it is that you miss. Is it her, as a unique individual? Did you really have a special connection? Or any connection at all? My guess is that after you think about it more, you'll realize how little there was between you two. It will make you feel silly and duped, but it will clarify for you what it is you want out of online and in-person relationships. Your future friendships will be all the better and more satisfying after this self-reflection.
Finally, Lou Stuells is spon-on: it is much better to be a generally trusting person capable of fulfilling relationships who gets duped once, than a serial catfisher with no lasting relationships. Eventually, you will come to pity this woman, as you should.
posted by scantee at 7:26 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should feel obligated to pity this person or sympathize with her or write her off as a pathetic loser if you don't want to. It's perfectly valid to instead feel angry, vindictive, betrayed, resentful, and even hate her.
The key is a) don't try to ignore your true feelings whatever they may be, and b) don't act on any of those feelings. What I mean by that is don't actively seek revenge. But you CAN release those feelings by doing any number of productive activities: exercising, journaling, venting to other friends, seeking therapy, letting yourself cry and scream in safe settings, turning your intense emotions into some kind of art (poetry, painting, photography, etc).
I'm well versed in coping with feelings of intense rage and betrayal so please memail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by a strong female character at 7:37 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
The key is a) don't try to ignore your true feelings whatever they may be, and b) don't act on any of those feelings. What I mean by that is don't actively seek revenge. But you CAN release those feelings by doing any number of productive activities: exercising, journaling, venting to other friends, seeking therapy, letting yourself cry and scream in safe settings, turning your intense emotions into some kind of art (poetry, painting, photography, etc).
I'm well versed in coping with feelings of intense rage and betrayal so please memail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by a strong female character at 7:37 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Update from the anon OP:
To update: I am an adult woman. Middle-aged, even. I've been online since 1993. I am not necessarily a trusting naive soul, but I am often lonely, during the day.posted by LobsterMitten at 7:48 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
What I think happened is two (also adult) women swapped identities/photos on Instagram, but only one of them was texting/exchanging small gifts with me. This is not a domestic violence situation. There were no romantic feelings on any side, just a rather intense friendship. The more I find out, the bigger of a headache I have and the sadder I get.
If it makes you feel better, I've been catfished of sorts online, but I also met my husband online. It is possible to make true & lasting relationships online, but the thing is much like in "real" life people don't always show their true selves to you. I have spent the past few years watching a man that abuses people, be the centre of life in a town, being supported & praised by everyone that didn't know what he was really like, people that have known him for years were unaware of his violence & drug use. I tell you this to let you now that what happened is not limited to the online world it's a part of the human experience. People present one self to the world even face to face, online just makes it a little easier. This doesn't make it suck less.
It's OK to grieve for what you thought you had, it's OK to be angry because they've made you feel sad. It's not healthy to do anything vengful about it, except maybe warn other people if you know they have other "friends" like you. Give yourself some time to grieve, don't wallow in it, but it's OK to spoil yourself, be kind to yourself, & forgive yourself for "falling" for this & to be sad for what you lost.
It sounds like they weren't trying to scam you except for your friendship & time, so maybe I'd feel sad for them. You knew how to be a true honest friend, they didn't. That is their loss not yours.
posted by wwax at 9:10 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's OK to grieve for what you thought you had, it's OK to be angry because they've made you feel sad. It's not healthy to do anything vengful about it, except maybe warn other people if you know they have other "friends" like you. Give yourself some time to grieve, don't wallow in it, but it's OK to spoil yourself, be kind to yourself, & forgive yourself for "falling" for this & to be sad for what you lost.
It sounds like they weren't trying to scam you except for your friendship & time, so maybe I'd feel sad for them. You knew how to be a true honest friend, they didn't. That is their loss not yours.
posted by wwax at 9:10 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was the one that posted the reason/season/lifetime way upthread and I didn't mean it at all to be a "everything happens for a reason" statement. For me it is more about making a choice to see that you had this interaction with another person and it made you feel good while you had it and to choose to appreciate that. Grieve, be angry, yes... of course, that is part of any loss so go through the process. Be more wary, of course... take the lesson this interaction has given you. But also, don't let it close you off to other interactions. Like smorgasbord noted, the OP likely has other online interactions. Focus on the interactions that enrich you *now* and let new ones or existing ones expand to fill the void once the wounds have healed.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 9:24 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 9:24 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Upon your update, perhaps 7 Cups of Tea might be useful?
posted by jbenben at 10:11 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 10:11 AM on January 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
What worries me is that you want revenge. People come and go in your life. Kids grow up and leave home. Friends move abroad. Friends have a baby and drop all social contacts. You don't have to stay friends with anyone you don't want to. Someday you will be part of a social group and post regularly on their forum and go to their meet ups and someday you will suddenly get bored and fed up with that group and you will disappear. It's how things work.
If someone I had been texting with suddenly blocked me I would be hurt perhaps, but I hope my strongest emotion would be concern that something bad had happened to them that they were dealing with by withdrawing.
The fact that you have feelings of wanting revenge indicates to me that the relationship you had with the person got too intense. If someone runs into their bedroom and locks the door the thing to do is not to follow them. The thing to do is to give them some space. Running away and locking the door is usually a clear signal that they got badly overwhelmed. Whoever or whatever your friend was, she or he just got badly overwhelmed and can't deal with the relationship anymore.
It worries me that you reacted to being shut out by trying to track this person down. To me it's kinda like going around and trying to look in the bedroom window when somebody locks their bedroom door. Of course, you might have a reason for doing it. You might think they were choking and you wanted to make sure they were still breathing. Or they might have borrowed 80$ and you suspect that they are dumping you just to avoid paying the money back. But they don't owe you their time, or an explanation. In that case they just owe you the money.
Now I suppose during the intensity of this relationship the person said, "You can text me any time to talk to me when your daughter goes in for surgery," It's reasonable to feel disappointed and let down if they suddenly block you the day before her surgery is scheduled. But they are fully in their rights to disappoint you because they are allowed to change their mind, the same way a woman is allowed to change her mind when she says, "I would love to have sex with you!" to a guy, and an hour later stops being in the mood and decides to go home just at the moment when he is dropping his pants. He may be devastated and upset and feel cheated and led on, but she is still perfectly in her rights to shrug and go wait for a cab outside.
I think that both you and your erstwhile friend had a boundary problem. This is all the more likely if the person catfished you. Not having good boundaries or a strong identity goes with catfishing. Catfishing is something people do when they are experimenting with having a different identity. Back in the eighties there were a lot of people with gender identity issues passing for the opposite gender because the internet was the only place they could do it.
I think I am a dissenting voice here, when I say that I don't disapprove of people using an alternate persona. Perhaps this is because several of my friends became my friends from their use of sock-puppet accounts which they used for on-line gaming so that personas #2, 3 and 4 could help out persona #1 and persona #1 could reciprocate. I had a good friend who was a good-looking guy who used to reliably send me left-handed sprocket wheels and pecan pies in our Zynga games and I would send him flagpole keys and spaceship airlock pressure gauges and wish him good luck in his rl exams. His name was Sawyer and I believe he lived in Poland. It was only after several months that I noticed his remarkable resemblance to an actor in a then highly popular show on TV called "Lost" and rather later that I realised that the character on the show was coincidentally called Sawyer...
So the question I want to ask you is do you think that your friend was deliberately trying to entrap you? Were you being sucked in by an emotional vampire who addicted you to the drama roller-coaster of her life? Or was it more like my friend who had no intention of fooling me into thinking her name was really Sawyer and would probably have busted her gut laughing if she had ever realised I was innocent enough to have believed the identity was a real one.
If your friend was a vampire who sucked you in and used you and set you up and then dumped you as their payoff, yep, you have good reason to be pissed off at being played with, and hurt at being seduced. Who was chasing who? Who got more out of the daily texting? Were you always being asked to respond at unsuitable times, or asked to provide moral support in crisises? Did the crisises tend to be dramatic and even far-fetched? Or were the conversations about what you had for breakfast? Daily, cosy trivia? Were they loaded emotionally, asking you to join a special club of people who are misused and misunderstood or was it just someone to talk to?
When it comes down to how wronged you were by their dishonesty and their defection, the answer comes from how much they jerked you around, not how much they lied. People lie all the time. For example, when I asked the Music Director at my church how his Christmas was he said it was great; it was only when I asked him what he had done for Christmas he admitted to spending much of three days in emerg trying to get narcotics for his disabled wife.
There are people who base their identity on being who other people want them to be. You may have made friends with someone who was unable to set boundaries or hold their own emotionally so whenever you expressed an emotion they had to respond to it. Or you may have run into someone who acted that way on you and made you feel needed.
But the one thing you can definitely take from this is that if you are now left feeling upset and foolish and cheated, it is a good thing the relationship is over. If your friendship had gone on longer you would have gotten in deeper and felt even worse when it ended. Something was off kilter. It didn't end before it should have.
But at the same token, you're not foolish because the evidence that something was off kilter only got exposed when your erstwhile friend closed her ig account and moved on. There was a coherent persona there. If you were used it is a sign that you are empathetic and could muster the strength to be a shoulder for someone else.
I'm going to make a suggestion. One rule of thumb to avoid the transmission of AIDS or the uncertainty of paternity is to wait six weeks of celibacy between partners. Keep in mind that if someone gloms on you and becomes your bestest friend ever, or the only person who understands you, or the love of your life in less than six weeks there is a very good chance one or both of you have bonded with an illusion. Bonding faster than that is usually a sign of either a false surface attachment or desperate neediness or both. This is particularly true when you are working with someone that you only communicate with in a limited fashion. It's not impossible to get close to someone in less time than that, but in my experience it goes with such a strong need to attach that there is very little discrimination in who you are attaching with.
When you grieve for your friendship you also perhaps need to grieve for the friendships you want and you are looking for but do not have, the friendship you were hoping to have but did not find. You don't need to grant the person you texted with a lot of importance. It's the symbol of what you hoped they were that gives the situation the power to hurt you. And that loneliness is a real thing and important.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:24 PM on January 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
If someone I had been texting with suddenly blocked me I would be hurt perhaps, but I hope my strongest emotion would be concern that something bad had happened to them that they were dealing with by withdrawing.
The fact that you have feelings of wanting revenge indicates to me that the relationship you had with the person got too intense. If someone runs into their bedroom and locks the door the thing to do is not to follow them. The thing to do is to give them some space. Running away and locking the door is usually a clear signal that they got badly overwhelmed. Whoever or whatever your friend was, she or he just got badly overwhelmed and can't deal with the relationship anymore.
It worries me that you reacted to being shut out by trying to track this person down. To me it's kinda like going around and trying to look in the bedroom window when somebody locks their bedroom door. Of course, you might have a reason for doing it. You might think they were choking and you wanted to make sure they were still breathing. Or they might have borrowed 80$ and you suspect that they are dumping you just to avoid paying the money back. But they don't owe you their time, or an explanation. In that case they just owe you the money.
Now I suppose during the intensity of this relationship the person said, "You can text me any time to talk to me when your daughter goes in for surgery," It's reasonable to feel disappointed and let down if they suddenly block you the day before her surgery is scheduled. But they are fully in their rights to disappoint you because they are allowed to change their mind, the same way a woman is allowed to change her mind when she says, "I would love to have sex with you!" to a guy, and an hour later stops being in the mood and decides to go home just at the moment when he is dropping his pants. He may be devastated and upset and feel cheated and led on, but she is still perfectly in her rights to shrug and go wait for a cab outside.
I think that both you and your erstwhile friend had a boundary problem. This is all the more likely if the person catfished you. Not having good boundaries or a strong identity goes with catfishing. Catfishing is something people do when they are experimenting with having a different identity. Back in the eighties there were a lot of people with gender identity issues passing for the opposite gender because the internet was the only place they could do it.
I think I am a dissenting voice here, when I say that I don't disapprove of people using an alternate persona. Perhaps this is because several of my friends became my friends from their use of sock-puppet accounts which they used for on-line gaming so that personas #2, 3 and 4 could help out persona #1 and persona #1 could reciprocate. I had a good friend who was a good-looking guy who used to reliably send me left-handed sprocket wheels and pecan pies in our Zynga games and I would send him flagpole keys and spaceship airlock pressure gauges and wish him good luck in his rl exams. His name was Sawyer and I believe he lived in Poland. It was only after several months that I noticed his remarkable resemblance to an actor in a then highly popular show on TV called "Lost" and rather later that I realised that the character on the show was coincidentally called Sawyer...
So the question I want to ask you is do you think that your friend was deliberately trying to entrap you? Were you being sucked in by an emotional vampire who addicted you to the drama roller-coaster of her life? Or was it more like my friend who had no intention of fooling me into thinking her name was really Sawyer and would probably have busted her gut laughing if she had ever realised I was innocent enough to have believed the identity was a real one.
If your friend was a vampire who sucked you in and used you and set you up and then dumped you as their payoff, yep, you have good reason to be pissed off at being played with, and hurt at being seduced. Who was chasing who? Who got more out of the daily texting? Were you always being asked to respond at unsuitable times, or asked to provide moral support in crisises? Did the crisises tend to be dramatic and even far-fetched? Or were the conversations about what you had for breakfast? Daily, cosy trivia? Were they loaded emotionally, asking you to join a special club of people who are misused and misunderstood or was it just someone to talk to?
When it comes down to how wronged you were by their dishonesty and their defection, the answer comes from how much they jerked you around, not how much they lied. People lie all the time. For example, when I asked the Music Director at my church how his Christmas was he said it was great; it was only when I asked him what he had done for Christmas he admitted to spending much of three days in emerg trying to get narcotics for his disabled wife.
There are people who base their identity on being who other people want them to be. You may have made friends with someone who was unable to set boundaries or hold their own emotionally so whenever you expressed an emotion they had to respond to it. Or you may have run into someone who acted that way on you and made you feel needed.
But the one thing you can definitely take from this is that if you are now left feeling upset and foolish and cheated, it is a good thing the relationship is over. If your friendship had gone on longer you would have gotten in deeper and felt even worse when it ended. Something was off kilter. It didn't end before it should have.
But at the same token, you're not foolish because the evidence that something was off kilter only got exposed when your erstwhile friend closed her ig account and moved on. There was a coherent persona there. If you were used it is a sign that you are empathetic and could muster the strength to be a shoulder for someone else.
I'm going to make a suggestion. One rule of thumb to avoid the transmission of AIDS or the uncertainty of paternity is to wait six weeks of celibacy between partners. Keep in mind that if someone gloms on you and becomes your bestest friend ever, or the only person who understands you, or the love of your life in less than six weeks there is a very good chance one or both of you have bonded with an illusion. Bonding faster than that is usually a sign of either a false surface attachment or desperate neediness or both. This is particularly true when you are working with someone that you only communicate with in a limited fashion. It's not impossible to get close to someone in less time than that, but in my experience it goes with such a strong need to attach that there is very little discrimination in who you are attaching with.
When you grieve for your friendship you also perhaps need to grieve for the friendships you want and you are looking for but do not have, the friendship you were hoping to have but did not find. You don't need to grant the person you texted with a lot of importance. It's the symbol of what you hoped they were that gives the situation the power to hurt you. And that loneliness is a real thing and important.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:24 PM on January 26, 2016 [6 favorites]
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People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
It sounds like this person was a reason or a season and it is ok to look at the relationship from a rearview mirror and say "I'm glad I had that while I did" and not need revenge because of how the friendship ended.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 8:40 PM on January 25, 2016 [44 favorites]