How to tell a narcissist I really did screw him over, this time

January 22, 2016 8:04 PM

My ex has NPD and anger problems so I really don’t want to tick him off – but I think I’m about to. Please help me to mitigate the damage.

We divorced more than a dozen years ago, and the original decree stated that we should alternate the years in which we claim our child as a dependent. I have evens and he has odds, so 2015 was to be his year. But last night I filed my 2015 taxes on-line and claimed our child as my dependent. I was in a hurry to file and didn’t want to deal with anything confusing (filing as head of household without a dependent can be confusing). In addition to my impatience, I was feeling irritated with my ex. He’s about $10,000 past due with child support – and in 2015, his only contribution was because the IRS intercepted his tax refund and sent it to me (yay IRS!).

So I starting thinking: he has no right to claim our child as a dependent this year, she didn’t spend more than a week under his roof (thank goodness!), and he didn’t pay child support. Plus it’s possible that he doesn’t even bother to claim our child on his years (but he’d never admit this to me because he’d prefer to deprive me of the deduction than go through the trouble of filing a dependent on odd years).

I impulsively decided to claim her as a dependent, and as soon as I hit the submit button I regretted it. Now I need to tell him that he can’t claim our daughter as a dependent, and he’ll probably receive a greatly reduced refund. The rational side of me thinks the refund will just come to me anyway because the IRS will continue to intercept it as long as he’s in arrears for child support. But if you have any experience with a narcissist, you know that they’re not always rational.

So, my questions are:
1. Do I fess up or do I let him find out on his own? (If he tries to claim her as a dependent, I’m guessing he’ll get an error message when he enters our child’s SSN because it’s already been used.)
2. If you think I should tell him, how might I explain it without causing him to rage at me for conspiring to steal what is rightfully his.

I’m willing to admit I was wrong but I don’t want to let him turn this into another example of me ruining his life. The last time I ruined his life (by giving child support services his current address) he threatened to beat me with a baseball bat. I know his threats are empty, but they make me feel sick.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Don't talk to him, he's terrible. Just amend your tax return.
posted by jessca84 at 8:17 PM on January 22, 2016 [42 favorites]

Nope nope nope. Change your tax return and then try to get the original decree changed so you can always claim your child as a dependent. Tell him about the error and that it's being fixed. You don't get to impulsively punish his assholery even though you feel justified in doing so.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:21 PM on January 22, 2016 [9 favorites]

The way to manage NPDs is different to other people. I'd be inclined to ring him and say," Oh my god Narcissus, I'm SO SO SO SORRY, I accidentally claimed our daughter as a dependent. God, I'm a knob. What should I do? I can't believe I did that, you've never done that to me. I really am sorry."

Manage the NPD ego and he may magnanimously love telling you not to worry about it as you'd have got the money from the IRS anyway.

When you win with a NPD you never really win, unless they allow you to win. They always make you pay.

So manage the NPD, not the situation is my advice. They're not normal people and don't react like other people do...and they can be very spiteful when feeling disempowered.

Play him like a fiddle, is my advice.

(Curriculum vitae: Child of a narcissist. )
posted by taff at 8:32 PM on January 22, 2016 [33 favorites]

Call the IRS and tell them you accidentally claimed your child as a dependent. They are much much nicer than you think! I'm sure you can fix this!!

Don't talk to him. That's silly. Fix it on your own ASAP.
posted by jbenben at 9:02 PM on January 22, 2016 [10 favorites]

Uh yea it seems simple unless you're looking for drama- refile amended taxes. End of story.

He might be a terrible person, but it would be a reasonable assumption on any one's part that you willfully did this against a decree, especially since it's so easy to fix.

Then work to get decree changed if appropriate.

I'm sure emotions are heavy in dealing with such a stressful situation, but this seems pretty cut and dry from my perspective as an objective outside party.
posted by cacao at 9:05 PM on January 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Nthing just file amended taxes. Otherwise it looks like you're trying to pick a fight with him. He may be an asshole, but if you have a decree he could use it against you to cause more headaches. Go easy on yourself and the kid and let the IRS do the transfers themselves.
posted by Anonymous at 9:33 PM on January 22, 2016

I agree that you should just amend your taxes. But—I am not a lawyer, but if he's not paying child support, I would think he's in violation of the decree. Maybe that's an opening to change the terms of the degree.
posted by ejs at 9:47 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

You have two separate issues:
(1) Taxes for last year. Fix that so you're above-board.
(2) Amended custody and child-support. Contact a lawyer for that.

Don't confuse the two like you did here - you won't win, and you'll just be even more pissed off in the end.
posted by barnone at 9:58 PM on January 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

Well, now you need to contact FAFSA to find out what you should do. Depending, you might need taff's script after all.
posted by jbenben at 11:01 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

. I was worried that if I didn’t claim her as a dependent with the IRS, FAFSA wouldn’t consider her to be my dependent.

No. The parent she's lived with more in the last 12 months is her custodial parent for the FAFSA. Has nothing to do with the IRS or your divorce decree. (I used to work in financial aid.)
posted by listen, lady at 11:50 PM on January 22, 2016 [9 favorites]

I was in a similar position a years ago (deadbeat dad, decree with alternating years, Fafsa stuff). I needed to get advice from a lawyer who had experience with the Fafsa. I had to get the divorce decree changed. I petitioned for and received full legal custody of all my kids (so my ex no longer had any say in anything about raising them) and my ex was not allowed to claim any of the kids on taxes. As far as financial aid, I had to get an admin-written letter from my kid's high school stating the dad had no involvement in the kid's education and I had to write a letter that the dad had no involvement in the kid's life.

My kids have been able to get financial aid without any info about their dad.

But also...my lawyer pointed me to an accountant who filed amended returns for me because I was also confused about dependents and head of households and I ended up getting a MASSIVE refund for years I was doing all the claiming wrong.

I would first call the IRS and explain the mistake then contact a lawyer, then an accountant. But don't call HIM.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:01 AM on January 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

If your reflex it to make this about your ex's feelings rather than about your finances, you should do nothing about the forms - she was your dependent this year, per your description, not his - and then seek out therapy to help you stop catering to your abuser.
posted by mhoye at 4:48 AM on January 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Don't deal with him unless you can't avoid it. File an amended tax return and then talk to an attorney about getting the tax situation between you changed -- at least add to the agreement that he doesn't get to claim her in the odd years unless/until he's current with child support. He'll be angry when you do that, so deal with him only through your attorney. And keep good records - as you know with NPD's, they specialize in revisionist history. You be the adult. Keep your child protected from him as much as you can.
posted by summerstorm at 6:48 AM on January 23, 2016

The IRS is not ... uh ... quick to jump on such errors. That flashing button you have in your mind's eye will likely be a letter 12-24 months from now. They like collecting interest and are as bumbling a Federal Agency as a tea partier's dream. Just FYI.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 9:13 AM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Comment from the anon OP (this was moved from earlier in the thread, hence the FAFSA stuff coming up earlier):

I just want to share a couple more facts because I want you all to understand that I wasn’t trying punish him for being a deadbeat. I’ve always found the questions related to head of household and the claiming of dependents to be confusing on the IRS forms – this combined with the fact that I was simultaneously trying to submit the FAFSA application for my daughter and it also asks about the number of dependents I was claiming on my tax return. I was worried that if I didn’t claim her as a dependent with the IRS, FAFSA wouldn’t consider her to be my dependent. So now if I need to correct the IRS return (and there appears to be a lot of support for that action) then I’ll also need to correct the FAFSA. I deeply regret my impulsive decision – and while I’d love to take taff’s advice I don’t think I’m that good an actress.

posted by LobsterMitten at 9:18 AM on January 23, 2016

If she doesn't live with him, and he doesn't support her financially, how can he claim her as a dependent? I agree with others telling you to seek a lawyer.
posted by Lay Off The Books at 6:13 PM on January 23, 2016