Should the cost of the baby shower gift depend on income disparity?
January 22, 2016 12:49 PM Subscribe
Should you give a more expensive baby shower gift if you know you are 'richer' than the recipient? Maybe you are not necessarily rich, but the giftee/person having the baby is very poor; in this case, do you gift based on your income disparity?
Okay, so everybody is having babies up the wazoo, and I have given my fair share of gifts at baby showers, so I know generally what you can buy a baby. I'm a big fan of giving Sophie dolls, cute clothes, Aden + Anais swaddle blankets, board books, and anything soft (toys/blankets/socks).
For example, a friend of mine from high school had a baby shower and I couldn't attend, but I sent a Sophie toy and a board book (~$33).That's when I was a single student. Since then, I've graduated from school, gotten married and became part of a DINK couple. We are not rich by any means, but we are more comfortable now.
We've bought straight off the registry (things like crib bedding + nasal aspirators) or used our own judgment if there was no registry or no shower, based on how close we feel to the person or what we think the relationship warrants. What we have spent in the past varies; the average is probably more like $60-$70. $40-$50 for friends who are not as close, $50-70 for close friends, $100 for best friends, $80 for my cousin, $50 for his cousin (3rd baby), $100 for another of his cousins (first time parents + twins), $275 + helping to organize/host the baby shower for my sister-in-law (because it's my brother's first baby + my first niece/nephew).
I've never really had occasion to think that I am so much richer than somebody else who I am giving a baby shower gift to before, because to be honest, I've never thought about people's incomes before when giving a gift. Everybody I know who's had a baby before has been employed and taking a mat leave, or their partner is employed, and they all have plenty of family support. Some of my friends have been grad student poor when having babies, and I think a couple have had babies while living with their parents, but they were making plans to move out/staying there because of grandparents helping with childcare while they save up to buy a house, etc. In short, I've never felt that somebody was totally financially unequipped to have a baby! Until now.
A friend of mine who is having a baby in March called to invite me to her baby shower. As far as I can tell, she and her boyfriend are throwing themselves this shower. She doesn't have employment (she was trying to break into acting before she got pregnant - now she is 8 months pregnant, and is not getting any work), and her boyfriend/the father of the baby also doesn't have employment (I've met him a couple of times and he said he's an artist and he's trying to work on some projects/pieces/get things off the ground).
They don't have family support. She was living with her parents up until she became visibly pregnant, but when they saw she's pregnant, they strongly encouraged her to get married. She didn't get married. So now her family is not supporting her in any way, and she doesn't want to stay with her parents anymore/they don't want her to stay there anymore. Her boyfriend was living with two roommates in a 1 bedroom apartment and she said she didn't want to stay there because "it's not a good environment for a baby" because "they smoke weed and they have 3 pit bulls." However, since she can't/won't live with her parents anymore, she has been staying at her boyfriend's place and will remain there for the foreseeable future. Since then, it's gone down to 1 roommate -- the roommate sleeps in the living room, and my friend and her boyfriend have the bedroom. The pit bull dogs are still there; I didn't ask about the weed smoking situation. But basically, neither of them has any money, so he's been encouraging her to apply for welfare/subsidized housing and tell the social benefits agency and the subsidized housing agency that he is not in the picture, so she can qualify (otherwise, if they know there is a father, they try to get you to ask them for child support, and if they know you are living with the father, then they may cut off your social assistance).
Sometime back when she got pregnant and he was convincing her to keep the baby, he told her he would work hard and find them an apartment and provide for her and the baby and all that, but I guess that hasn't panned out. I asked her where that is at, but she said rents are sky-high and they can't really afford it. There are some red flags in the relationship that I can see, based on how she acts as if everything is his decision and only ever talks about what he wants -- even the decision to go through with the pregnancy in the first place ("He is so excited to become a father!" "He really wants this baby!" "He thinks I should apply for subsidized housing!") -- but all of that is not really relevant right now, I guess, because hey, this is their situation for the time being. The baby is due in March and they are having a baby shower in a few weeks.
My question is: For the baby shower gift, am I supposed to spend just what I would on other people (which I've judged in the past based on how close I am to that person) or should I spend more, and give them more, because they obviously need it? I don't want to make it seem like I am giving them something out of pity. Both of them are kind of fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of people, and to be honest, I don't know if it's even occurred to them that their situation isn't ideal. I've discussed this with her at length from the time she thought she might be pregnant up until yesterday, and she has never complained about the situation; she just presents it as matter-of-fact. As far as I can tell, neither of them are worried in the least about anything, and are both very excited about the baby. Is this a situation where I just give a Sophie doll and some cute clothes like I usually would ($50-$60) or is it a situation where I give...something else? Cash? Gift cards? Spread out gifts over multiple visits to keep checking on her and the baby? Offer babysitting help if she needs to go out to seek employment?
Okay, so everybody is having babies up the wazoo, and I have given my fair share of gifts at baby showers, so I know generally what you can buy a baby. I'm a big fan of giving Sophie dolls, cute clothes, Aden + Anais swaddle blankets, board books, and anything soft (toys/blankets/socks).
For example, a friend of mine from high school had a baby shower and I couldn't attend, but I sent a Sophie toy and a board book (~$33).That's when I was a single student. Since then, I've graduated from school, gotten married and became part of a DINK couple. We are not rich by any means, but we are more comfortable now.
We've bought straight off the registry (things like crib bedding + nasal aspirators) or used our own judgment if there was no registry or no shower, based on how close we feel to the person or what we think the relationship warrants. What we have spent in the past varies; the average is probably more like $60-$70. $40-$50 for friends who are not as close, $50-70 for close friends, $100 for best friends, $80 for my cousin, $50 for his cousin (3rd baby), $100 for another of his cousins (first time parents + twins), $275 + helping to organize/host the baby shower for my sister-in-law (because it's my brother's first baby + my first niece/nephew).
I've never really had occasion to think that I am so much richer than somebody else who I am giving a baby shower gift to before, because to be honest, I've never thought about people's incomes before when giving a gift. Everybody I know who's had a baby before has been employed and taking a mat leave, or their partner is employed, and they all have plenty of family support. Some of my friends have been grad student poor when having babies, and I think a couple have had babies while living with their parents, but they were making plans to move out/staying there because of grandparents helping with childcare while they save up to buy a house, etc. In short, I've never felt that somebody was totally financially unequipped to have a baby! Until now.
A friend of mine who is having a baby in March called to invite me to her baby shower. As far as I can tell, she and her boyfriend are throwing themselves this shower. She doesn't have employment (she was trying to break into acting before she got pregnant - now she is 8 months pregnant, and is not getting any work), and her boyfriend/the father of the baby also doesn't have employment (I've met him a couple of times and he said he's an artist and he's trying to work on some projects/pieces/get things off the ground).
They don't have family support. She was living with her parents up until she became visibly pregnant, but when they saw she's pregnant, they strongly encouraged her to get married. She didn't get married. So now her family is not supporting her in any way, and she doesn't want to stay with her parents anymore/they don't want her to stay there anymore. Her boyfriend was living with two roommates in a 1 bedroom apartment and she said she didn't want to stay there because "it's not a good environment for a baby" because "they smoke weed and they have 3 pit bulls." However, since she can't/won't live with her parents anymore, she has been staying at her boyfriend's place and will remain there for the foreseeable future. Since then, it's gone down to 1 roommate -- the roommate sleeps in the living room, and my friend and her boyfriend have the bedroom. The pit bull dogs are still there; I didn't ask about the weed smoking situation. But basically, neither of them has any money, so he's been encouraging her to apply for welfare/subsidized housing and tell the social benefits agency and the subsidized housing agency that he is not in the picture, so she can qualify (otherwise, if they know there is a father, they try to get you to ask them for child support, and if they know you are living with the father, then they may cut off your social assistance).
Sometime back when she got pregnant and he was convincing her to keep the baby, he told her he would work hard and find them an apartment and provide for her and the baby and all that, but I guess that hasn't panned out. I asked her where that is at, but she said rents are sky-high and they can't really afford it. There are some red flags in the relationship that I can see, based on how she acts as if everything is his decision and only ever talks about what he wants -- even the decision to go through with the pregnancy in the first place ("He is so excited to become a father!" "He really wants this baby!" "He thinks I should apply for subsidized housing!") -- but all of that is not really relevant right now, I guess, because hey, this is their situation for the time being. The baby is due in March and they are having a baby shower in a few weeks.
My question is: For the baby shower gift, am I supposed to spend just what I would on other people (which I've judged in the past based on how close I am to that person) or should I spend more, and give them more, because they obviously need it? I don't want to make it seem like I am giving them something out of pity. Both of them are kind of fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of people, and to be honest, I don't know if it's even occurred to them that their situation isn't ideal. I've discussed this with her at length from the time she thought she might be pregnant up until yesterday, and she has never complained about the situation; she just presents it as matter-of-fact. As far as I can tell, neither of them are worried in the least about anything, and are both very excited about the baby. Is this a situation where I just give a Sophie doll and some cute clothes like I usually would ($50-$60) or is it a situation where I give...something else? Cash? Gift cards? Spread out gifts over multiple visits to keep checking on her and the baby? Offer babysitting help if she needs to go out to seek employment?
My rule is to give what I can afford and what will make the giftee feel good. Sometimes, if you're in a better financial situation, an overly generous gift can be embarrassing to the recipient, but this doesn't sound like one of those situations to me. If it were me, I'd give them a generous gift card to Target or Walmart or somewhere you know they shop, along with a more personal gift like the doll, but I bet any gift at all would be appreciated.
posted by thetortoise at 1:03 PM on January 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 1:03 PM on January 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
I'd spend the same amount but focus on the practical... more clothes rather than extra fancy clothes, skip the toys, etc.
posted by metasarah at 1:04 PM on January 22, 2016 [25 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 1:04 PM on January 22, 2016 [25 favorites]
I generally don't let the recipient's income factor into gift buying decisions. I'll look at what my budget is for the gift, which is dependant on my income, closeness to the recipient and the occasion and get whatever I think would be a nice gift that somewhat follows the budget.
But I don't know anyone who is in as precarious a position as your friend. I think in your situation I may give a fair bit more. Or maybe give a standard present now and then give additional gifts (diapers, clothes, small toys) whenever I went to see the baby.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:10 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
But I don't know anyone who is in as precarious a position as your friend. I think in your situation I may give a fair bit more. Or maybe give a standard present now and then give additional gifts (diapers, clothes, small toys) whenever I went to see the baby.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:10 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you're conflating two things here: the social obligation to give a baby shower gift, and the social obligation to support someone who may be in a sup-optimal situation (i.e., a crappy living situation with a newborn baby). I don't think you can absolve yourself of either obligation by performing the other.
Get the baby shower gift based on how close you are to your friend, just as you would with any other friend. Cash and/or gift cards are often thought of as tacky in some circles, but for people going through major life changes they're always helpful. Then, when the baby comes, offer support (such as visits, meals, babysitting, etc.) as much as seems appropriate. What counts as "appropriate" will, of course, be affected by how close you are to your friend, how much they seem to need your help, whether they are actively asking for or shunning help, and so forth. But it's really not possible for you to know right now what they'll need after the baby arrives.
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:12 PM on January 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Get the baby shower gift based on how close you are to your friend, just as you would with any other friend. Cash and/or gift cards are often thought of as tacky in some circles, but for people going through major life changes they're always helpful. Then, when the baby comes, offer support (such as visits, meals, babysitting, etc.) as much as seems appropriate. What counts as "appropriate" will, of course, be affected by how close you are to your friend, how much they seem to need your help, whether they are actively asking for or shunning help, and so forth. But it's really not possible for you to know right now what they'll need after the baby arrives.
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:12 PM on January 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'd spend what you'd usually spend in this situation, but aim for more practical/necessity gifts rather than toys...I wouldn't necessarily say this with older children, but I don't think infants necessarily appreciate toys/dolls all that much anyway, while they will certainly be impacted by not having enough diapers or whatever.
Then, after the baby is born, you can decide how much you want to be/can be involved. I feel like this situation could easily spiral because the couple has pretty extreme needs here, so you'll have to decide where your boundaries are and communicate them clearly. If you are feeling up for regular visits, offering babysitting help, etc. that's awesome (although you'll have to read the situation to see what is welcome), but I also don't think you need to feel guilty if you can't become a frequent free babysitter.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:13 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Then, after the baby is born, you can decide how much you want to be/can be involved. I feel like this situation could easily spiral because the couple has pretty extreme needs here, so you'll have to decide where your boundaries are and communicate them clearly. If you are feeling up for regular visits, offering babysitting help, etc. that's awesome (although you'll have to read the situation to see what is welcome), but I also don't think you need to feel guilty if you can't become a frequent free babysitter.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:13 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you know they're in need, and no one is throwing a shower for them, can you host the shower? Or at least help with the one they're already planning?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:16 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:16 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I am not a parent nor a frequent baby-shower-attendee, but given the situation you describe, I would actually spend a little more money ($100-150, if you have it) and buy them actual baby stuff, like diapers, onesies, "what to expect in the first year" or "first aid for baby" type books, bottles, etc. Maybe check with a recent-baby-haver to see what is most necessary as these are just things I brainstormed.
I say this because it sounds like 1. this woman has been abandoned by her family and friends-- no one else is throwing her a shower. So she is going to need the basic stuff and basic help of "how to baby" that most women I know get from their older family members or close friends. Being a little extra generous, may go a long way in making her feel better about this abandonment. 2. They don't seem to be very good at thinking about the future from what you have described. I would worry that cash or gift cards would be used for other stuff for the parents (because the baby shower is *today* but the baby isn't here yet, so this $100 could be used for something else-- I'll get another $100 well before March!)
posted by holyrood at 1:17 PM on January 22, 2016 [26 favorites]
I say this because it sounds like 1. this woman has been abandoned by her family and friends-- no one else is throwing her a shower. So she is going to need the basic stuff and basic help of "how to baby" that most women I know get from their older family members or close friends. Being a little extra generous, may go a long way in making her feel better about this abandonment. 2. They don't seem to be very good at thinking about the future from what you have described. I would worry that cash or gift cards would be used for other stuff for the parents (because the baby shower is *today* but the baby isn't here yet, so this $100 could be used for something else-- I'll get another $100 well before March!)
posted by holyrood at 1:17 PM on January 22, 2016 [26 favorites]
I'd spend what you'd usually spend in this situation, but aim for more practical/necessity gifts rather than toys...I wouldn't necessarily say this with older children, but I don't think infants necessarily appreciate toys/dolls all that much anyway, while they will certainly be impacted by not having enough diapers or whatever.
This is what I came to say. I was not in anything like the situation your friend is in, but I can still tell you who got us boxes of diapers for the shower. I cannot, however, tell you who gave books or toys or even most clothing.
So yeah: what's her plan for diapers? Buy her a nice stock (within your regular budget) of what she's planning on using. Crib mattresses or even a pack and play are surprisingly affordable. Baby monitor. Basic clothing like snapsuits or PJs. Do they have a registry? That will tell you a lot about what they still NEED need.
The best gift is always that which suits the recipient and the situation. In the case of a shower, the real recipient here is the baby. So: buy whatever the baby will most need.
Honestly, though -- diapers make an amazing gift.
posted by anastasiav at 1:18 PM on January 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is what I came to say. I was not in anything like the situation your friend is in, but I can still tell you who got us boxes of diapers for the shower. I cannot, however, tell you who gave books or toys or even most clothing.
So yeah: what's her plan for diapers? Buy her a nice stock (within your regular budget) of what she's planning on using. Crib mattresses or even a pack and play are surprisingly affordable. Baby monitor. Basic clothing like snapsuits or PJs. Do they have a registry? That will tell you a lot about what they still NEED need.
The best gift is always that which suits the recipient and the situation. In the case of a shower, the real recipient here is the baby. So: buy whatever the baby will most need.
Honestly, though -- diapers make an amazing gift.
posted by anastasiav at 1:18 PM on January 22, 2016 [7 favorites]
I've never regretted the incidences when I was generous when I could be. I would buy practical items. Diapers, wipes, a few different styles of bottles, onesys, spit up cloths. Maybe do up a hamper with a bunch of basics from Target or Walmart. You probably won't have to spend much more with a bit of careful shopping to get a nice lot of useful items.
posted by wwax at 1:22 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by wwax at 1:22 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
Personally, I spend more on people who are more in need, especially when it's a discrete gift. It can't spiral into huge spending if you just say "I'm going to spend $100 right now", whereas if you're always chipping in it can get out of hand.
I will say that I have seen several friends really get their acts together in the first couple of years of having a kid - people who were not in a good financial or social place who are now super-duper on top of things. With any luck, this couple will surprise you with their capability and focus once they have a tiny, novel human in the mix.
posted by Frowner at 1:24 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I will say that I have seen several friends really get their acts together in the first couple of years of having a kid - people who were not in a good financial or social place who are now super-duper on top of things. With any luck, this couple will surprise you with their capability and focus once they have a tiny, novel human in the mix.
posted by Frowner at 1:24 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have a very socialist approach to this kind of situation: "each according to her need, each according to her ability." The baby is arriving; the baby has needs; the baby's needs must be met. If you can help meet them, please do.
If you can stick your oar in and organise a diaper raffle, that will be a huge help. Find out what she needs; no infant needs a Sophie doll or brand-new onesies; many infants need a crib, a car seat, and/or a stroller. Giving birth in poverty sucks, and many new mothers need boppies, lainosh cream, and breast pads.
Shopping 2nd hand, clubbing together, asking friends who already have children, etc means that you can generally do a lot for someone who's need is great, is all.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
If you can stick your oar in and organise a diaper raffle, that will be a huge help. Find out what she needs; no infant needs a Sophie doll or brand-new onesies; many infants need a crib, a car seat, and/or a stroller. Giving birth in poverty sucks, and many new mothers need boppies, lainosh cream, and breast pads.
Shopping 2nd hand, clubbing together, asking friends who already have children, etc means that you can generally do a lot for someone who's need is great, is all.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
I think it's great that you want to help. I have two concerns, though:
1) Will she feel awkward because she knows she won't be able to give you a similarly big gift in the future?
2) Will she feel offended/patronized and will that damage your relationship when it sounds like she could use a friend more than a gift?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2016
1) Will she feel awkward because she knows she won't be able to give you a similarly big gift in the future?
2) Will she feel offended/patronized and will that damage your relationship when it sounds like she could use a friend more than a gift?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2016
I generally try to spend about the same amount for baby shower gifts without regard to the parents' incomes, but if you can I think it would make sense to make an exception for this couple and spend a bit more and focus on practical items (those Finnish baby boxes are very practical) or gift cards. Offering to babysit is a nice idea, but at this point I think that's the sort of offer that gets made without any follow-up necessarily happening. If you really do want to help (which you aren't obligated to do), check in with her periodically as her friend after the birth and offer to help then. I mean, it's fine to offer something now, but the follow-up is what matters.
Like Frowner, I have seen people pull it together when a kid is born so here is hoping that happens in this case.
posted by Area Man at 1:39 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Like Frowner, I have seen people pull it together when a kid is born so here is hoping that happens in this case.
posted by Area Man at 1:39 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
From the sound of the boyfriend I wouldn't give a gift card (or money) but focus on practical gifts. I would also give the mother a gift of indulgence for herself (like a push present) because it sounds like she doesn't have that right now and she'll need a little care taking as she transitions to caring for a child (and a manchild too).
posted by saucysault at 1:41 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 1:41 PM on January 22, 2016 [8 favorites]
I may have missed it, but does she live nearby? Because then it makes it possible for you to help out more significantly separately from the shower. (I would second the practical focus). A tactful way to do it could be "oh, my friend with a toddler wants to get rid of all this baby stuff, how about I drop it off at your place?" Even if the friend is you going on Craigslist and buying used the stuff you know they need and don't have. There is a ton of nice baby stuff on Craigslist.....
posted by chocotaco at 1:46 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by chocotaco at 1:46 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your general guidelines are mostly the same as mine. But, for this situation, I'd really lean toward spending more and focusing on very practical gifts. Clothes can be bought used for not a lot of money (or given as hand-me-downs), library for books, etc. Instead of those traditional gifts, I'd probably buy her a load of diapers (in various sizes)/wipes, baby wash, nipple cream, etc. and maybe consider going in on a stroller or crib with other friends.
posted by quince at 1:51 PM on January 22, 2016
posted by quince at 1:51 PM on January 22, 2016
My general rule of thumb is to give something off the registry because that is what they have identified as a need.
However, it's also my general rule of thumb in situations not like this, but this would fall into that category, where I also accompany said baby gift with a "mom gift" as well at the same time.
I've given friends visa check cards, spa certificates and even clothing store gift cards or a gift card to a restaurant for a non-baby date night - to help them assimilate back into being their non-pregnant selves again, and that means fitting into regular clothes, feeling like a woman and not just some baby-raising-bot and even to help them get their butts back into chasing their dreams.
This also warrants a second non-baby card too.
posted by floweredfish at 1:53 PM on January 22, 2016
However, it's also my general rule of thumb in situations not like this, but this would fall into that category, where I also accompany said baby gift with a "mom gift" as well at the same time.
I've given friends visa check cards, spa certificates and even clothing store gift cards or a gift card to a restaurant for a non-baby date night - to help them assimilate back into being their non-pregnant selves again, and that means fitting into regular clothes, feeling like a woman and not just some baby-raising-bot and even to help them get their butts back into chasing their dreams.
This also warrants a second non-baby card too.
posted by floweredfish at 1:53 PM on January 22, 2016
What kind of a hand me down network does she have? Clothes are easy to get hand me downs for. Many things can be bought second hand for much cheaper than new. Many things (a baby monitor) can be skipped entirely.
But diapers -- diapers are the way to go! Did you know a newborn can go through 80 diapers in a week?! Diapers you buy are cash money she does not have to spend. She can use that cash to buy a cheap second-hand... anything she needs.
Alternatively, does she have a car seat? (Does she have a car?) You could pull together a few attendees and get her one. But again, you can get a second hand car seat. And if she's not planning more than a few weeks ahead, she will probably plan far enough ahead to get a car seat, but she may not think a month ahead when she and the dad are sleep-deprived and fighting and he skips town for a week and she needs diapers.
posted by slidell at 1:53 PM on January 22, 2016
But diapers -- diapers are the way to go! Did you know a newborn can go through 80 diapers in a week?! Diapers you buy are cash money she does not have to spend. She can use that cash to buy a cheap second-hand... anything she needs.
Alternatively, does she have a car seat? (Does she have a car?) You could pull together a few attendees and get her one. But again, you can get a second hand car seat. And if she's not planning more than a few weeks ahead, she will probably plan far enough ahead to get a car seat, but she may not think a month ahead when she and the dad are sleep-deprived and fighting and he skips town for a week and she needs diapers.
posted by slidell at 1:53 PM on January 22, 2016
What is your friend's opinion on babywearing and breastfeeding? I ask because very practical and much appreciated gifts for moms who want to do both of those things might be really nice.
If she hasn't already said a specific carrier is on her wish list, a Tula or Ergo carrier (between $100-200) might be really appreciated. They grow with the mom and baby, make non-car travel easier, and are easy to pack up.
My coworker had a friend who didn't have good insurance but wanted a breast pump, so I got my (closed system) Hygeia refurbished for her, got her the accessory kit, pump bag, bottle cooler and Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book. These were much appreciated. I believe the Hygeia EnJoye is less than $200 and if she doesn't have insurance but might need to pump at a job while away from her baby, this again would be a very useful and appreciated gift.
It does depend on her personality, though, as not all new moms would like those as gifts.
Alternatively, if she has a car and needs a carseat, that might be an excellent gift as well. Safe convertible infant car seats can be had for under $200 and depending on the carseat, it could be used for multiple years.
posted by jillithd at 1:57 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
If she hasn't already said a specific carrier is on her wish list, a Tula or Ergo carrier (between $100-200) might be really appreciated. They grow with the mom and baby, make non-car travel easier, and are easy to pack up.
My coworker had a friend who didn't have good insurance but wanted a breast pump, so I got my (closed system) Hygeia refurbished for her, got her the accessory kit, pump bag, bottle cooler and Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book. These were much appreciated. I believe the Hygeia EnJoye is less than $200 and if she doesn't have insurance but might need to pump at a job while away from her baby, this again would be a very useful and appreciated gift.
It does depend on her personality, though, as not all new moms would like those as gifts.
Alternatively, if she has a car and needs a carseat, that might be an excellent gift as well. Safe convertible infant car seats can be had for under $200 and depending on the carseat, it could be used for multiple years.
posted by jillithd at 1:57 PM on January 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hmm. One thing I want to throw out here is that if you are poor, and you get a gift that cost a fair bit of money, it can sometimes make you sigh a little bit: a fancy $35 sleeper? Great...thanks...[While thinking: do you have any idea how many second-hand sleepers I could have bought for $35? Damnit, what a waste; I could have used $35, but this is just going to get spit up on.]
Obviously everybody is different and some broke folk probably love to get things they wouldn't buy themselves. But I'd lean towards gift cards and items that come with receipts, from stores with a lot of other merchandise and with generous return policies. (Nothing is foolproof. I'm looking at all the suggestions for diapers and thinking: but I hated most major brands, absolutely hated them, and, I used a lot of cloth, and, they grow out of diaper sizes overnight all the time...)
As for the amount -- if you can afford to be generous, be generous! It's fun!
posted by kmennie at 1:58 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Obviously everybody is different and some broke folk probably love to get things they wouldn't buy themselves. But I'd lean towards gift cards and items that come with receipts, from stores with a lot of other merchandise and with generous return policies. (Nothing is foolproof. I'm looking at all the suggestions for diapers and thinking: but I hated most major brands, absolutely hated them, and, I used a lot of cloth, and, they grow out of diaper sizes overnight all the time...)
As for the amount -- if you can afford to be generous, be generous! It's fun!
posted by kmennie at 1:58 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Do not send cash or gift cards.
Send practical stuff like blankets, diapers, and clothes. Some toys, but nothing extravagant. Take the rest of the money you would have spent and put it into a special envelope, fund, account - whatever. Maybe you put all of your spare change into a giant container. Maybe you put away $5 per week. Hopefully one day when you are 10000% certain she will never ever go back to this guy you can gift her with a modest amount of money to start a new life. Away from her very troubling boyfriend. Maybe the money goes towards something else. Childcare or therapy? Something positive and useful, for sure.
Your friend needs practical items now, and a rainy day fund she (her boyfriend!) doesn't know about for the future. She must be terrified underneath it all. I think it's OK for you to plan now for eventual outcomes.
(Or maybe they (he!) get it together and sorts out regular employment, then you and your SO go to Tahiti!)
posted by jbenben at 2:04 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Send practical stuff like blankets, diapers, and clothes. Some toys, but nothing extravagant. Take the rest of the money you would have spent and put it into a special envelope, fund, account - whatever. Maybe you put all of your spare change into a giant container. Maybe you put away $5 per week. Hopefully one day when you are 10000% certain she will never ever go back to this guy you can gift her with a modest amount of money to start a new life. Away from her very troubling boyfriend. Maybe the money goes towards something else. Childcare or therapy? Something positive and useful, for sure.
Your friend needs practical items now, and a rainy day fund she (her boyfriend!) doesn't know about for the future. She must be terrified underneath it all. I think it's OK for you to plan now for eventual outcomes.
(Or maybe they (he!) get it together and sorts out regular employment, then you and your SO go to Tahiti!)
posted by jbenben at 2:04 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
I haven't read anyone's answers so forgive me if this is repetitive. In this particular situation, I'd use your network of all these friends with babies already to put together something even better – hand-me-downs. First off, ask your friend how she would feel about some hand-me-downs. If she's open to it, use your network to collect things that they are ready to pass along (swaddlers, baby board books, pre-natal books, co-sleeper bassinet, onesies, blankets, etc.). Email all your friends with babies and let them know that you are looking for awesome items that they are ready to pass along and/or recommendations for items that they found especially useful in that first year. You can collect these things, sort them into age appropriate sizing and then have your friend over to go through them. If you want to be extra awesome, store things for her that are too big or for when the baby is a little bit older so she doesn't need to cram everything into what might be a small space.
Then get her a "normal" baby gift for the shower though really look at that list of "must haves" that your friends supplied and see if you can get something from that list. Also, pass that list along to your friend as a very cute "advice from mom's on what's-what." Get a list of second-hand baby thrift shops as well for your friend. God, those places are fucking great. Super cheap maternity clothing can often be found there as well.
If you can shower her with free goods (most of which has a shelf life of less than a year, if that), you'll be the best friend ever. If she's not down with hand-me-downs then I recommend picking from the list of must-haves and giving her a large gift certificate to the local grocery or Amazon.
posted by amanda at 2:06 PM on January 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Then get her a "normal" baby gift for the shower though really look at that list of "must haves" that your friends supplied and see if you can get something from that list. Also, pass that list along to your friend as a very cute "advice from mom's on what's-what." Get a list of second-hand baby thrift shops as well for your friend. God, those places are fucking great. Super cheap maternity clothing can often be found there as well.
If you can shower her with free goods (most of which has a shelf life of less than a year, if that), you'll be the best friend ever. If she's not down with hand-me-downs then I recommend picking from the list of must-haves and giving her a large gift certificate to the local grocery or Amazon.
posted by amanda at 2:06 PM on January 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Your question is understandably complicated but the answer is quite simple: just get them what you want to give them. You're asking about the gift but it's really about so much more. Baby showers are not an excuse to shake down friends and families for maximized presents nor should they be a time where people look to settle old scores. If you want to give a bigger gift now (generous gift card, big item, etc.), then go for it! If you wan to give a token gift (the Sophie and board book sound lovely!), do it! If you want to do practical (boxes of diapers), do that instead! You could also do any or all or nothing. If your friend holds it against you, then this isn't a good friend. Chances are, they'll be grateful to receive anything from you and shame on them if not.
So many kids are born into less-than-ideal circumstances but most of the time things work out even if they're not great. Perhaps she'll dump this guy rather quickly, perhaps he'll leave soon (maybe his telling her to say he's not in the picture is foreshadowing), or perhaps they'll stay together for years and years to come. I hope she does apply for programs like WIC because it sounds like she and her baby can use all the support they can get and more. Shame on her parents for not being more helpful and good for her to ignore their advice about getting married. She may know that there's not much of a future with this guy but is holding on because she feels alone and scared. However, you only have to help her as much as you feel comfortable with.
Once the baby is here, you can do more with or for them as you like, which is unrelated to the shower gift. You're under no obligation to help support them financially or, frankly, even emotionally if it becomes too stressful for you. Bringing take-out once a month and having dinner together can be a big treat, for example. However, for now please don't worry about this too much. It's hard to watch from the sidelines but we can't make people's life decisions for them. Best of luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:06 PM on January 22, 2016
So many kids are born into less-than-ideal circumstances but most of the time things work out even if they're not great. Perhaps she'll dump this guy rather quickly, perhaps he'll leave soon (maybe his telling her to say he's not in the picture is foreshadowing), or perhaps they'll stay together for years and years to come. I hope she does apply for programs like WIC because it sounds like she and her baby can use all the support they can get and more. Shame on her parents for not being more helpful and good for her to ignore their advice about getting married. She may know that there's not much of a future with this guy but is holding on because she feels alone and scared. However, you only have to help her as much as you feel comfortable with.
Once the baby is here, you can do more with or for them as you like, which is unrelated to the shower gift. You're under no obligation to help support them financially or, frankly, even emotionally if it becomes too stressful for you. Bringing take-out once a month and having dinner together can be a big treat, for example. However, for now please don't worry about this too much. It's hard to watch from the sidelines but we can't make people's life decisions for them. Best of luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:06 PM on January 22, 2016
Ok so my answer is predicated on the assumption that you are willing to do a high degree of helping.
I would urge you to consider not etiquette but the fact that you are talking about a friend that is going to struggle just to survive. As in, with a baby, with no support, with uncertain access to food, shelter and safety. What can you do for her, and the baby, that will help them deal with those challenges?
For example:
Is she going to breastfeed? If not, buy her a case of a good brand of formula (and bottles, nipples etc.), because that shit is expensive. If she is breastfeeding and might also use a pump, or bags to freeze extra milk, same thing. Shit is expensive, not always easy to use.
Add diapers to that; disposable or cloth (probably disposable if she doesn't have access to a washer or dryer). Lots and lots of diapers. Also wipes.
And clothes, and blankets. Does she have a crib? Car seat? Stroller? Diaper bag? If no one else gets her any of these things, if the shower is a wash, then I would do it if you can. Bring it by and just give it to her. She most likely won't have the energy to be embarrassed. Say you got it secondhand, even if you didn't. Tell her to pass them along to someone else who needs it when she's done with them, if she feels overwhelmed.
And if you can, keep bringing by formula and diapers. Babies need food and to be clean and dry before anything else and it doesn't sound certain that any of that is going to be available to her.
And while you are doing that, offer to drive her to the welfare office and help her fill out the forms.
It's not clear how close you are to her, or how many other friends she has. If you really want to help her, try to reach out to other people coming to the shower and make plans about what to do for her when boyfriend leaves, or she and boyfriend get tossed out for nonpayment of rent, or she can't take the dogs and the weed and needs to get out. Because all of those things are pretty likely. If a reconciliation with her family is at all possible, their support would be helpful but who knows. Some grandparents relent once the baby arrives, some don't.
If you are freaking out about these suggestions, you don't have to do any of this. But as a former desperately poor new mom, I can tell you, I had no pride about what I was given because it was for my kid and he deserved whatever I could do for him. And I did donate his crib, and stroller and clothes when he was done, and it felt great.
posted by emjaybee at 2:07 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I would urge you to consider not etiquette but the fact that you are talking about a friend that is going to struggle just to survive. As in, with a baby, with no support, with uncertain access to food, shelter and safety. What can you do for her, and the baby, that will help them deal with those challenges?
For example:
Is she going to breastfeed? If not, buy her a case of a good brand of formula (and bottles, nipples etc.), because that shit is expensive. If she is breastfeeding and might also use a pump, or bags to freeze extra milk, same thing. Shit is expensive, not always easy to use.
Add diapers to that; disposable or cloth (probably disposable if she doesn't have access to a washer or dryer). Lots and lots of diapers. Also wipes.
And clothes, and blankets. Does she have a crib? Car seat? Stroller? Diaper bag? If no one else gets her any of these things, if the shower is a wash, then I would do it if you can. Bring it by and just give it to her. She most likely won't have the energy to be embarrassed. Say you got it secondhand, even if you didn't. Tell her to pass them along to someone else who needs it when she's done with them, if she feels overwhelmed.
And if you can, keep bringing by formula and diapers. Babies need food and to be clean and dry before anything else and it doesn't sound certain that any of that is going to be available to her.
And while you are doing that, offer to drive her to the welfare office and help her fill out the forms.
It's not clear how close you are to her, or how many other friends she has. If you really want to help her, try to reach out to other people coming to the shower and make plans about what to do for her when boyfriend leaves, or she and boyfriend get tossed out for nonpayment of rent, or she can't take the dogs and the weed and needs to get out. Because all of those things are pretty likely. If a reconciliation with her family is at all possible, their support would be helpful but who knows. Some grandparents relent once the baby arrives, some don't.
If you are freaking out about these suggestions, you don't have to do any of this. But as a former desperately poor new mom, I can tell you, I had no pride about what I was given because it was for my kid and he deserved whatever I could do for him. And I did donate his crib, and stroller and clothes when he was done, and it felt great.
posted by emjaybee at 2:07 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
> Cloth diapers
Good point. They're much cheaper if you think she'd go that way.
posted by slidell at 2:08 PM on January 22, 2016
Good point. They're much cheaper if you think she'd go that way.
posted by slidell at 2:08 PM on January 22, 2016
Like saucysault, the boyfriend would make me double-think a gift card; but if you do decide to give one, try to make it to some place that limits it to baby-stuff --- not so much a place like Target, where it could be used/abused for anything.
posted by easily confused at 2:09 PM on January 22, 2016
posted by easily confused at 2:09 PM on January 22, 2016
The idea to put together a hand-me-down network is AWESOME SAUCE.
posted by jbenben at 2:45 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 2:45 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
In this situation I'd probably give diapers, wipes, and a copy of Baby 411. That book quickly became my go-to "It's 3am and I'm having a panic attack because what is this rash do I need to call the doctor what do I doooo" companion. I think it'd be a helpful one to have on hand if she's feeling alone and unsupported. More so than other "here's how to not kill your baby" books it feels nonjudgmental, matter-of-fact, and focused on solutions.
I agree with other posters that I wouldn't give the temptation of a giftcard that could be frittered away on other stuff.
posted by town of cats at 2:47 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with other posters that I wouldn't give the temptation of a giftcard that could be frittered away on other stuff.
posted by town of cats at 2:47 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Give her a gift certificate for diapers.com. That way she can buy whatever she needs for the baby without you having to worry about the boyfriend doing something shady like using the money for weed or for some random crap at Target.
posted by a strong female character at 2:55 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 2:55 PM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
Baby consignment stores are used to dealing with credit (you take your old stuff in, get credit, exchange it for more stuff). If there is one locally you could see if you can exchange cash for credit in your friends name -- it will go a lot further than an equivalent gift card so somewhere that only does new, while only being good for baby/mama stuff (and it might help to hook them into parent networks).
There are also going to things that sit just above the level of absolute necessity (and thus things you might skip if its this vs the bills etc) but will can make all the difference in the right situation: I'm thinking things like a digital thermometer or a NoseFrida.
posted by tallus at 3:12 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
There are also going to things that sit just above the level of absolute necessity (and thus things you might skip if its this vs the bills etc) but will can make all the difference in the right situation: I'm thinking things like a digital thermometer or a NoseFrida.
posted by tallus at 3:12 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
Give a typical, practicalish baby shower gift and be there for mom and baby over the long haul. Plenty of shower-attendees won't.
posted by headnsouth at 7:13 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 7:13 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
In a similar situation I got the mom a good new infant car seat. And I made sure to get it from a store that had a location in her town, just in case she received two and needed to exchange.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:55 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:55 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can you give her a car seat or stroller? If not, is it possible to pitch in or get her a used one from someone who has had a baby? Car seats are expensive.
posted by ichomp at 11:53 PM on January 22, 2016
posted by ichomp at 11:53 PM on January 22, 2016
What gift to get her is way less important than how to help her out of a terrible life situation that she may not know how to escape. She needs: access to steady housing, relationship support, career help. And then, there are the baby's needs.
As her friend, do whatever you can for her shower, which doesn't really matter, and then try to help her with this other stuff. This is a time in her life when she really needs a friend.
posted by 3491again at 4:25 AM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
As her friend, do whatever you can for her shower, which doesn't really matter, and then try to help her with this other stuff. This is a time in her life when she really needs a friend.
posted by 3491again at 4:25 AM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]
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