Would you want to know?

January 16, 2016 5:30 PM

If you were cheated on in an ugly way, would you want to know that the guy's next relationship (with the person he cheated on you with) also ended up in him cheating on her? Would it give you closure?

Let's say you were with your boyfriend from for over six years, with three spent living together and one of those spent in a city that you moved to for his career. You own two dogs. He goes away for a summer to study a foreign language abroad and comes home just to tell you that he had an affair. You are devastated and he has started a relationship with this new person. This new person (me) dates this guy for 3.5 years; there is talk about engagement and the mutual feeling that this is the most significant relationship of each other's lives. Then, within a month of declaration of engagement intentions, the guy tells this second girlfriend (me) that he doesn't think she "contributes anymore" even though this was the relationship that "taught him intimacy" and hooks up with a classmate that he has supposedly "crushed on-and-off" on for over a year. They are now together.

[Background: The guy has been in different grad schools this whole time. The age of the women have gotten younger every time too. This guy is 30 now and still pulling the same thing. The break up was also horrific in other ways that, to me, has made me feel like I don't even know the person I dated, let alone loved unconditionally; like I dated someone who can't truly love and whose only consistent value is that of self-interest. I have been broken up with before with people I was very in love with, and I have never felt this level of rage, senselessness, and whiplash. Other breakups were sad and loving; this felt like gaslighting and self-esteem destroying.]

As the second girlfriend, I have always harbored guilt about causing another woman (the college girlfriend) pain. I was too young at the time to totally feel it, but now, after going through the same exact thing myself (still in shock), I only regret calling the college girlfriend "crazy" when she did some things in anger.

I often think about contacting her in a "Hey, just so you know for your own schadenfreude files, what happened to you ended up happening to me. I am so sorry because I was an asshole to you and we both dated an asshole." Personally, if I were her, I would love to know, but I realize that not everyone wants the past dredged up. We have never been in contact and were not friends before. She seems happily in a new career and relationship now.

Would you want to know? Sometimes, I do want to talk to her myself, as I'm still processing a lot of residual mind-fuckery, but I don't want to be selfish. However, I genuinely think that, if I were her (and now that I'm in a similar position), this piece of information would be welcome.

posted by minoraltercation to Human Relations (62 answers total)

She seems happily in a new career and relationship now.

No. Just no. And in case that is ambiguous, no. She's happy now, and your news isn't going to make her happier.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:36 PM on January 16, 2016 [13 favorites]

No. You want someone who can join you in ripping this guy to shreds, but what does she have to gain from it? Absolutely nothing - she's moved on. No.
posted by penguin pie at 5:40 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Yeah, I figured No would be the consensus and I lean on that side as well. I understand that it is a drama-making move, and that it may just be a quirk of my personality or my emotional place right now that I think I would want to know. I haven't had the benefit of knowing what it's like to move on from something like this, so thanks for the perspective!
posted by minoraltercation at 5:44 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I hear you on the idea that you would want to know this sort of information yourself, but, I think that as time passes, you won't have any interest in how this guy's life works out. One might reasonably hope that she's in that place now. It might even come off as a tad churlish to suggest otherwise by tattling on him with the expectation that she would find the information interesting. And you would risk coming off as rather small at worst -- maybe at best as a person making their private pain awkwardly public to strangers.

So, no.
posted by kmennie at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Not really. If anything, if I had gained a sense of empathy and wisdom over the years, I would feel sad that this fellow continued to inflict the same amount of pain on others. But I wouldn't really want to be reminded of it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:50 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sure I would want to know, but I'd want to hear it through the grapevine so I could savor from afar the satisfaction of feeling that you got your just deserts. I would not want to hear it from you because it would make me feel like I was expected to support you or commiserate with you in some way. Also I would not be interested in being dragged back into his drama circle and being reminded afresh of the pain he caused by experiencing it vicariously through you.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:58 PM on January 16, 2016 [80 favorites]

I would want to know, so just FYI, I don't think it's just a quirk or a self-delusion that you would too. But we're probably in the minority, and circumstances matter a lot, not to mention that if you guys have not had contact before there's no way to do it without hideous awkwardness. So: yes I would want to know, no I don't think you should tell her.
posted by babelfish at 6:00 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

It looks like there's a chorus of No here, but I'll be a dissenting voice. I *would* want to know, and if I were the first girlfriend, I would be happy to have you contact me and to commiserate with you. In fact, I had a somewhat similar experience (I wasn't the second girlfriend in your experience, and there was no cheating, but my ex-boyfriend a number of years ago treated me in a certain way and then I found out that he did the exact same thing to the *next* girlfriend). In my case, I was absolutely over him, so there was no schadenfreude involved at all (I was in a new relationship, I had no desire to rekindle the old one, and I was on friendly terms with my ex). Honestly, knowing that information really helped me put into perspective the way he had treated me - it really confirmed for me that during our relationship, the problem wasn't *me* (as he had claimed, and as I had begun to believe), but it was either him or some mutually-arising dynamic. For me, this was a profound relief because after that relationship I had begun to fear that he was right about particular things about me, and that those flaws would doom my future relationships too. Learning that it actually had little to do with me specifically helped me see those past relationship problems as something highly contextual and contingent, not something that marked me out specifically and that I would experience with everyone in the future. In short, it basically allowed me more confidently to keep moving forward with the post-ex chapter of my life, knowing I was not doomed to repeat in future relationships that one relationship's fatal flaws. YMMV, of course.
posted by ClaireBear at 6:00 PM on January 16, 2016 [20 favorites]

How would you feel if girlfriend #3 contacts you in a year or so-- just as you're comfortable in your own skin again?
posted by calgirl at 6:01 PM on January 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

For all you know, she might react to this news with a bitter "well, serves you right for stealing my boyfriend." And that's not a sentiment that will help either you or her!

Besides, it's commonly accepted knowledge that cheaters are usually repeat offenders. She probably already assumes he went on to cheat on other women; having that confirmed won't really add anything useful.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:01 PM on January 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

Not from you...
posted by xammerboy at 6:07 PM on January 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

No, she's moved on and I think you are actually wanting to get in touch so she can reassure you that everything will be okay and help you feel better. But that's not her job. You would t be doing her any favors getting in touch with her.

When someone is cheated on, they eventually learn it's not their fault, they can't control others, and that cheaters are just cheaters and it's on them.

Leave her alone. She moved on. Also, she might just know that you were probably going to get cheated on, too, because cheaters cheat, people who emotionally and physically abuse their partners do so in subsequent relationships too. You'll eventually accept that and that little worry that you caused him to do that will go away when you move forward. She's already done so. Don't drag her back to fill your need to commiserate.
posted by discopolo at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: @clairebear, my sentiments exactly and especially if I have moved on to find better love... but I guess it is better to play it safe and let things play out as they may; trust in time to take care of it. There is so much animosity towards women as the homewreckers or boyfriend-stealers...though my instinct is to focus on common denominator (in this case, the guy).

@Serene Empress Dork, There is no way she would find out circuitously because he is in a new circle now.
posted by minoraltercation at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2016

Counter-point: you have no idea how she feels now that time has gone by. I look back on long-term relationships that ended with drama and cheating and tears and agony and anger couples with thirst for vengeance, and I can honestly tell you that with age and distance, I look back with nothing more than fondness and bet wishes for all of my exes.

So if you contacted me with this information, my only response would be to be sorry for your pain.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Personally, I would harbor so much animosity for you as the other woman, I wouldn't want to ever hear from you, even to tell me the same happened to you.
posted by cecic at 6:08 PM on January 16, 2016 [15 favorites]

My guess is she will find out sooner or later. If you know anyone in common, I am sure she will find out. If it were me, I would let it go. If, for some reason, I actually ran into her somewhere in the future, I might mention it, but not now and not proactively.
posted by AugustWest at 6:09 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

No. It's selfish.

You want something from her, be honest with yourself about that. You want validation or you want to have a new rage-friend or Lord knows what. You don't have any kind of claim to her, not for commiseration or for anything else. Your relationship with her man ruined her hopes and dreams with him. Your willingness to continue a relationship with someone who was VERY taken, put the nail in the coffin.

It's been 4 years, she's in a good place now. What makes you think she even thinks about him, or you, or the relationship anymore? What if you called her and she said, "Who? I have no idea what you're talking about?" Because frankly, that's what I'd say to you right before I hung up.

If you want to process what happened, get a therapist and start looking at yourself. Why would you be okay starting a relationship that began in such a dishonest way? What made it okay with you to do so? A lot of women would RUN from someone who they discovered was cheating with them, what made you build a life with him?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:21 PM on January 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

I don't think you should tell the ex. You are likely to feel differently about whether this would bring about closure after you get some distance from this.

Could this maybe really be a question about what it's going to take for you to get your own closure on this? Is part of you thinking about how he's just going to cheat on this next woman and waiting for that to happen?
posted by alphanerd at 6:24 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

@Serene Empress Dork, There is no way she would find out circuitously because he is in a new circle now.

I just can't imagine a scenario in which I would be happy to hear from you, were I her. My attitude would be some combination of WTF and annoyance, and even if I was polite to you on the phone you can bet money I'm gonna be all "OMG you'll never guess who called me" with my girlfriends, and very much bitchy fun-making would ensue.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:32 PM on January 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

I would appreciate it - especially the "I've come to realize the pain I helped cause you, and I'm sorry for my part in it". I've been in a conversation like that, as the previous girlfriend. But keep in mind that not all people will respond kindly or maturely, no matter how gently you approach it. Be prepared to end with an "I wanted to apologize; I have no expectations further than that" and to walk away and let it go.
posted by stormyteal at 6:33 PM on January 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

I had a similar thing happen to me about 3 years ago. I don't know if he was cheating but he did leave me for another woman. He pretty much just texted me and said I met someone else and I wanna see what's gonna happen with her. Then I just checked his Facebook the next day and it already said he was in a relationship with her. I believe they are still together.

About a year ago he did reach out to me and told me to come hang out with him and he missed me. I just said "what about your girlfriend?" just because I was curious what he was going to say. He pretty much said I don't tell my girlfriend who I hang out with or what we do. I was FURIOUS. I couldn't believe what a sleazebag he was. I haven't communicated with him since (although he has tried!).

That made me realize he's probably going to be like that his entire life.
posted by Nicole21 at 6:40 PM on January 16, 2016

Askme isn't for back and forth discussion. Take your answers and reflect on them.

This guy is really immature and narcissistic and he gets out of one terrifying emotional entanglement by jumping into another emotional entanglement. He will probably be doing this until he's forty. Take your one precious life, your irreplaceable time and valuable self to a good therapist. Work through your anger there and leave this dickhead in the dust. Under no circumstances engage with his ex; that's just a way to get revenge while simultaneously trying to salve your own guilt and embarrassment. That's not fair and it also won't work how you hope it will for anyone involved.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:41 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Only physical violence would justify going to the former gf. If he beat you and you wanted to know if he beat her too, or warning the new gf about the beating. Otherwise you're just stirring shit and it will likely splash back on you.
posted by irisclara at 6:42 PM on January 16, 2016

No. I've been in a position somewhat similar to hers, and I would absolutely not want to hear from you, ever, under any circumstances.

Which is just anecdata - obviously there are people who would want to hear.

Unless you have some way of knowing which this person would prefer, for example if you knew her well at some point, you don't have any way to know which it would be. I think you should therefore go with the kinder option, which it seems to me would be to let the sleeping dog lie and not exhume feelings about something that's long over with for her, even though it's fresh for you.
posted by Stacey at 6:51 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

For all you know, she might react to this news with a bitter "well, serves you right for stealing my boyfriend." And that's not a sentiment that will help either you or her!

This is why I'd want to know- the sweet schadenfreude. But that's terrible, and not actually worth indulging in. Don't do it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:58 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

No. Nada, No way, Zippo.

Involvement with him ended for a reason. That point in time is a big, heavy door. Free up all of that energy and don't give it another thought. No, don't do it. No, not even then, it's worth too much to your present.
posted by floweredfish at 6:58 PM on January 16, 2016

I guess I'd be trying to make a list of Pros and Cons.

Cons:
She'll think you're a bit unhinged and you'll have another injury dwell to dwell upon in your relationship exit narrative.
You'll share inappropriate information with a stranger
You'll use her as another audience member in your own pain narrative and she'll feel used and you won't be consoled at all
You'll hear that you got what you deserved. More upset in your relationship exit story
You're beguiling aspect of apparent altruism will backfire because you ain't remotely doing her a favour
This new post relationship narrative trajectory will distract you from your core business in healing. Which is to take responsibility for your part of the dance: you hooked up with a cheater and bear the consequences of your narcissism in thinking all would be different with you because you're special. (sorry, that's harsh - I'm speaking from experience)

Pros
None
posted by honey-barbara at 7:26 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

She doesn't need evidence that he's an asshole. She found out when he cheated with you. I don't see any purpose to this aside from allowing you to pretend that you're atoning for the wrong you did to her. She's gone on with her life, and she doesn't need you dredging up past hurts. I hope the takeaway for you will be that anyone who cheats with you will cheat on you.
posted by FencingGal at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

If you were cheated on in an ugly way, would you want to know that the guy's next relationship (with the person he cheated on you with) also ended up in him cheating on her? Would it give you closure?

Absolutely not. I'd tell you to go pound sand. See "serves you right" above. I'd be pissed at him all over again. And I'd be pissed at you for coming to me with some sort of shitty "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did to you but guess what? He did the same thing to me! We're like sisters!" line. Don't ruin her day/week/month.

Why are you still spending energy on this guy? And why on earth do you have any information about his ex-girlfriend, let alone her career and relationship status. Why are you wasting brain power on this situation? I've never understood this kind of fascination with past relationships - especially one in which both parties behaved extremely badly. Move forward already.
posted by Beti at 8:00 PM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

I might want to know.

I might also want to relegate the experience to the dustbin of history.

Since you don't know which one she'd want, best to err on the side of caution. Sleeping dogs and so forth.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:22 PM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'd totally want to know. Not just for schadenfreude, but because truth is always worth knowing, and a truth like this - that the guy who broke my heart was and is just a serial philanderer who runs when things get serious, and that his leaving was no reflection on me - that's a biggie. That's something that can really make a difference to one's self knowledge.

I wouldn't want a phone call. I wouldn't want anything that would put me on the spot to come up with a response. I'd happily take an email along the lines of "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the part I played in your breakup with Phil although I'm sure you've moved on. Recent events have shed light on old patterns. He's now with Maggie, having broken up with me in similar circumstances. Anyway, I wish you the best and I'm sorry for what I did."
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:43 PM on January 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

were you struggling with your deep desire to apologize to her as you were happily dating her boyfriend, or is this guilt intensifying with your own pain? my guess is the latter. your motives here aren't pure. you've participated in enough pain against this woman. leave her alone.
posted by nadawi at 9:58 PM on January 16, 2016 [27 favorites]

I'll give you an actual answer rather than a hypothetical one. I am her and while I hope that both he and you find happiness, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't owe either of you anything. Deal with your own shit on your own, I kinda don't care. Don't contact me again.

Except I wouldn't actually say that, I would just ignore the contact and then have to deal with the unwelcome emotions (irritation at your sense of entitlement, sadness that this guy is still pulling this shit) that your contact had brought up rather than using that energy on things that actually are my problem.
posted by bimbam at 10:10 PM on January 16, 2016 [14 favorites]

I would want to know.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:25 PM on January 16, 2016

I'd want to know. I remain curious about exes who simply stopped speaking to me, so someone who outright cheated would probably be a subject of fascination, like a sore tooth. I'm kind of a serial monogamist myself, though, so that's a source of interest for me. But it sounds like you can't count on everyone wanting to know in this situation.
posted by limeonaire at 10:33 PM on January 16, 2016

Leave her alone.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:10 PM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

I would quite like to know, mainly because this would show me that this is a recurring pattern in his relationships and not down to something I did wrong. There is always a tendency to think that your once horrible ex has suddenly become a new person for their perfect new girlfriend, and although this is rarely true, it is nice to have confirmation. I think I'd rather hear this from the grapevine than the new girlfriend herself though. If she did approach me, a simple "You were right and I am sorry for what I did" note would be well received, but any attempts to drag me into their drama or to get close to me would not. Generally I would go easy on the new girlfriend because we were both victims of the same love rat, and because I know how easy it is to get sucked in by a charmer, but I would be unlikely to completely forgive or forget the fact that you knowingly entered into a relationship with him while he was still with me.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:28 AM on January 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Unless you have a mutual friend who can give you some idea where she would be on the topic, I would leave it out. You can't guess how she would feel or whether she would want to know, and it's unfair to risk her peace of mind for uncertain gain.
posted by frumiousb at 12:56 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

I would want to know. I would actually love to hear from any of my ex's exes to commiserate and reflect. And I find it incredibly insulting that you're getting dumped on here for being "the other woman"—like, what the fuck, his former girlfriend wasn't cheated on by you, so from my point of view, her thoughts towards you are probably sympathetic because she knew you were getting into a relationship with an asshole before you realized it.

But! This information will be more meaningful to her if it comes at a time when you have more distance from your relationship. I get where you're coming from and don't think it's a selfish impulse to want to reach out to the previous ex. But breakups cause a lot of impulsive decisions, so don't rush into doing it. Write the letter and sit on it. There is zero harm in doing that, but sending it right after a breakup does come across as more needy than informative. Even if you know you're better off without him, you are grieving on some level: not the loss of him but the loss of whatever you hoped and planned for that is now not meant to be. Contacting her now would cause the Other Ex to feel the need to address your feelings instead of her own.

I don't know your story, but I've been "the other woman" too, but I didn't really know it. It wasn't until I was already in love that my ex admitted that she had been seeing someone when we met and broke it off to be with me. I was too smitten to think the worst of her and learned, long after, that her ex was blindsided. It's not as black and white as people make this out to be, that we can assume that you were willingly "participating in pain against this woman" as nadawi wrote and are now wracked with guilt. I just want to object to anyone assuming that's the case and say that I think some of the answers you're getting are skewed against you as some sort of home wrecker (which, again, ugh, he's the cheater, you're the unfortunate sucker who got involved.)

Lastly, I really doubt you getting ahold of the other ex is going to cause her to backslide into not being over him or cause her to relive the pain. Additionally, moving on doesn't mean you never think about or wish to have clarity about a past relationship, so I don't think the fact that she's moved on means she wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't get back together with my ex for the world, but it'd still be nice to know I wasn't the only one who fell for her shit, you know?
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:00 AM on January 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

Having been in a very similar position, I would definitely want to know. It would both reaffirm to me that not everyone is an asshole, and also put into perspective the cheating on me aspect (a lot of people feel unworthy and like they deserve to be cheated on - if you can counterbalance that then do!). I'm a very firm vote in the tell her category.
posted by stevedawg at 2:23 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Had this exact situation within my circle of close friends. The first girlfriend did get some satisfaction out of knowing. But she would not have appreciated hearing it directly from the second girlfriend at all. Grapevine.

Enough time had passed that Girlfriend 1 felt some empathy for Girlfriend 2, but there had been a lot of initial hurt and learning about how it ended up gave her a little relief ("it wasn't me, it really is just him"). And, yes, a small sense of gratification that karma did its thing - she wasn't proud of that feeling but it was there.

This was all years ago. Funny enough, and entirely by happenstance, girlfriends 1 and 2 are now quite close. But a direct approach at the time of breakup would have been unwelcome.
posted by oneaday at 4:23 AM on January 17, 2016

"his former girlfriend wasn't cheated on by you, so from my point of view, her thoughts towards you are probably sympathetic because she knew you were getting into a relationship with an asshole before you realized it. "

Reading back in the OP's history, she most definitely did know this guy already had an SO, and the OP also had an SO she was cheating on. This is no innocent flower.

I might want to know, if I were the original cheated-on girlfriend. But I wouldn't want to hear from the OP, other than in the least confrontational snail mail letter with no expectation of response.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 4:43 AM on January 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

I would not want to know. I might have already assumed it would end like this, but I would not want anyone seeking me out to give me this information.
posted by RainyJay at 5:38 AM on January 17, 2016

for what it's worth - my advice up thread comes from the perspective of being the other woman multiple times - but also being the woman who was cheated on who was contacted by the other woman. leave her alone. find another way to absolve your guilt.
posted by nadawi at 6:54 AM on January 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

Man, I'd want to know, but not from you. I would probably never want to talk to you, ever. So, uh. No.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:27 AM on January 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

On reading your Ask history, I'm going to echo those who have said yes, I'd want to know, but not from you. And if I never found out, I still wouldn't want to hear it from you.

In a bold and daring move for AskMe, I'd suggest you check out therapy to work out what you hope to get from this, and how you could work through it on your own. I don't want to assume anything about your motives. The thing that strikes me is that, after cheating on your long-term ex with this guy, you're only just now worrying about telling... his long-term ex? That throws up so many questions.

If you do genuinely care about others' feelings, then going to therapy might help with that too. Because this woman wasn't the only one hurt.

Background: I was cheated on by my first long-term ex, which eventually came out because I kept in touch with my ex-not-quite-MIL. I don't care to hear from his girlfriend who knew she was cheating. She went into it with eyes wide open. I was then also cheated on by a third short-term boyfriend, but he was cheating on about a dozen women at the same time and none of us knew about each other. One of the women contacted me (she found out because I posted about him on my blog at the time), and in that case I was very glad to know from her. We both broke it off with him. Last but not least: I have been flirted with by loads of men in relationships, while I myself was single. A couple of them were people I felt fond attachment to... until they started ramping up the flirting and I realized they were actually fucking serious about cheating on women they claimed to adore. You know what that type of person does? They go on to cheat, cheat, and cheat again. I don't give a flying flip about them.
posted by fraula at 8:04 AM on January 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

I completely understand where you are coming from, and I can envision a scenario where this might be helpful for her, but the "no"s seem to have it, and I tend to agree. She may be interested in hearing this but not from you, sorry. I think the important thing to focus on is that *you* know he is a serial cheater, and this is not your fault; it's his character flaw. Things are raw and I'm sure you're hurting a great deal right now, especially if, at the time, you felt you were compromising your morals for this one true love, which ended so painfully and in the same way yours started. Be angry, be sad, and just keep reminding yourself that:

1. He is the problem and there is absolutely nothing you could do to change this. This is a pattern he will most likely repeat ad nauseum. You, thankfully, have escaped this fate without any ties, such as children.

2. If you are ever tempted to begin a relationship in a similar fashion, you shouldn't because you know how that story ends. It is possible someday feelings may develop between you and someone who is attached. While unfortunate, that's okay, but just stay firm that until he is single, you won't become involved with him, and I would say cease contact-no flirty texts, no borderline inappropriate body language, nothing. This will protect you from a repeat situation, because if he is a good guy and the timing is just bad, he will end his relationship before embarking upon something with you.

I'm hoping you never find yourself in situation number 2 again, and there's every reason to think that once you process this, heal, and are ready, you will find a great guy who is capable of an honest, committed relationship that excites and fulfills you without having to wrestle with any moral quandries or drama. Hugs to you and good luck!
posted by katemcd at 8:13 AM on January 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

You know it would be wrong to tell the former girlfriend just because you need to assuage your guilt.

So don't do it. She's moved on. So should you.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:24 AM on January 17, 2016

Yes I would want to know. So I could laugh in her stupid face for thinking she was special.
posted by a strong female character at 9:45 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think not telling her would be best. But, as a data point, I would want to know. Even if it goes back decades. It would help give me clarity and fill in the spaces. But that's just me, and not everyone will think this way.
posted by Vaike at 10:05 AM on January 17, 2016

Some people would want to know and some would not. However, we have no idea what her preference would be, so unless you somehow find out that she would be the type to want to know, I would recommend that you keep silent. Unless you like, literally run into her on the street and it came up, anyway.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:37 AM on January 17, 2016

This actually happened to me. My girlfriend cheated on me with a close friend of mine. Our relationship ended and they got married. Years later my ex gets in touch with me. Over lunch she tells me she's cheated on her spouse multiple times. I think she justified telling me this as something that would make me feel better about having been cheated on, or that my close friend got punished, or they both got punished, or something but...

it just made me feel gross and sad. Getting cheated on wasn't this great injustice that I was waiting to get made right - like someone stealing my car or my $20,000. It was a trauma, more like getting mugged or assaulted - where afterward you have to work so so hard to repair your relationship with love and trust and sex. It was not an experience that was going to magically be made right by nasty people getting theirs.

I had moved on with my life, and her story just dragged me back into that awful memory of being cheated on. I was in no way better for knowing that they were unhappy in their marriage. It just felt like she was trying to open the wound again - and fact is, she was, for her own reasons. She just couldn't admit it to herself. Can you?

Healing isn't about vengeance - it's about the thing and the people who hurt you not mattering to you anymore. You and your ex probably don't matter to her now. What you want to do is make it matter to her again, and hurt her again, and keep her from healing.

Justify it however you want - telling her is all about you dealing with your pain and maybe your guilt. Admit that to yourself, and leave her alone. You screwed with her enough. You get a chance be a grown up now. Take it.
posted by MaddyRex at 12:02 PM on January 17, 2016 [10 favorites]

I can understand the impulse, and I was in a similar position to you with my high school sweetheart, although I was in the dark, so didn't feel guilty, just sad and sorry for myself and them. Thing is, I'm damn sure I wasn't the first (probably not even the third!), and I knew the next person, (or the next, or the next) wouldn't be the last.

You're assuming she was the first in this chain. But if she was his college girlfriend, I think there's a very good chance that she wasn't, and that she probably already had a really good idea that you wouldn't be the last. Basically this won't be big news to her.
posted by The Shoodoonoof at 2:02 PM on January 17, 2016

I didn't need to be told that it was a repeating pattern. But that doesn't mean I ever want to discuss him with another ex of his.
posted by janey47 at 5:51 PM on January 17, 2016

I understand that it is a drama-making move

Therefore: nope.
posted by flabdablet at 10:22 PM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

It looks like you broke up in March last year. WHY NOW?
posted by Kwadeng at 12:10 AM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

I wonder if this is a way for you to still feel part of the last relationship and pretend that's it not fully over? Not that you're trying to get back with your ex, but that as long as you have stuff to do related to the relationship, you get to feel like it's not dead and you and your ex are still connected (even just through animosity). But the relationship is over. He's moved on and is with someone else. What's the likelihood that he's spending time thinking about his prior ex, or you, or making plans or schemes involving either of you? Nil, right? Stop renting out space in your head to these long gone people and focus on the people who are still a part of your life.
posted by sallybrown at 1:31 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Noooooooooooo.

If you guys are sufficiently in the same social circles that you know about this woman's career and current relationship, you're sufficiently in the same social circles that her actual friends can get this information to her via the grapevine if she is the sort of person who would want it (and they are in a much better position to judge this than you are). It is very clear from this post that there are three camps of people:

1. Don't want to know under any circumstances
2. Want to know, but not from you
3. Want to know, regardless of the source of information

So you've got more ways to go wrong here than right. If she's the type that is still ruminating over this old relationship and dropping hints about whatever happened to that old ex of mine, certainly someone who happens to have gotten wind (i.e. not you) of this info can pass it on. If she literally has zero overlapping acquaintances with this guy anymore, then chances are she has really and truly moved on and this would be a sad reminder.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:44 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

I would want to know, assuming the woman telling me also owned her part.

That said, I'm pretty far out of the mainstream (obviously, per the above comments), and without knowing that she'd appreciate it, I would never approach a stranger on the assumption that she could get something out of your telling her.
posted by spindrifter at 4:12 PM on January 18, 2016

I was cheated on in a very similar situation over a decade ago, and I'd love to hear an apology from the other woman. But I'd hate to actually talk to her and I would then feel immature for gloating over the apology, so it wouldn't actually make me feel good in the long run. Imagining that she regrets it (because I can't imagine she's proud of how that all went down) is enough for me.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:31 PM on January 18, 2016

She seems happily in a new career and relationship now.

You have no idea. Guessing this is social media, and most adults don't post about whatever baggage they're still carrying from past relationships. Especially if they're in a new relationship. You don't know her. Stop looking her up.

That said, I'm in the minority who would want to know...but not coming from you.
posted by orangejenny at 6:00 PM on January 19, 2016

I'll put in another vote for "yes, but not from you."
posted by yeolcoatl at 8:34 PM on March 18, 2016