Am I wrong for wanting my housemate out?
January 16, 2016 4:48 PM Subscribe
I live in a shared house with two guys. I’m 28 and the two guys are in their 50’s...in the beginning I was taken back by their ages, but I try not to judge. When I first moved in there he was the only one and he would visit his girlfriend most of the time, so it was only me in the house. The second guy that moved in is a friend of his and deep down I really didn’t want him to move because I just felt something was off about him. You know when something doesn’t sit well with your spirit, but I said yes to him to move in because I didn’t want to offend the housemate that was there before me.
The woman that we are renting from could tell I did not want him there. Ever since he moved here he has been noisy beyond noisy and bringing people in the house late at night. I have told him before to stop the noise, but he just keeps doing it. The other day he had his room door wide open and had his porno on full display on tv and mind you I hear it all in my room when I am trying to sleep. I come home late from work, so of course when I’m about to go to bed I don’t want to hear him or see random people in the house walking in and out. I feel he should let his housemate’s know when somebody is over. It’s just the respectful thing to do.
I talk to the land lady often and my housemates do not like me conversing with her. The housemate before me specifically would tell me don’t go to her. Go to him if I have a problem with his friend. I’m not going to keep going to them if they don’t have no respect the first time I said something about the noise. I can’t stand how he acts like he owns the place when he renting his damn self LOL. He even tells the land lady himself not to come over. That’s her house!!! So today the original housemate confronted me about his friend possibly getting kicked out. His friend has not spoken to the land lady since we moved him in. He doesn’t return her calls about house rules or the contract, so she is already leaning towards kicking him out. When my original housemate confronted me he came to my door shouting and carrying on. As well as threatening me. I quickly stayed in my room with the door lock and called the land lady. We are going to have a meeting on Wednesday to discuss if my housemate is getting put out or not. She has told them both to leave the house for the weekend and by all means call the cops if they try something.
So am I creating drama or right in how I feel about my housemate?
The woman that we are renting from could tell I did not want him there. Ever since he moved here he has been noisy beyond noisy and bringing people in the house late at night. I have told him before to stop the noise, but he just keeps doing it. The other day he had his room door wide open and had his porno on full display on tv and mind you I hear it all in my room when I am trying to sleep. I come home late from work, so of course when I’m about to go to bed I don’t want to hear him or see random people in the house walking in and out. I feel he should let his housemate’s know when somebody is over. It’s just the respectful thing to do.
I talk to the land lady often and my housemates do not like me conversing with her. The housemate before me specifically would tell me don’t go to her. Go to him if I have a problem with his friend. I’m not going to keep going to them if they don’t have no respect the first time I said something about the noise. I can’t stand how he acts like he owns the place when he renting his damn self LOL. He even tells the land lady himself not to come over. That’s her house!!! So today the original housemate confronted me about his friend possibly getting kicked out. His friend has not spoken to the land lady since we moved him in. He doesn’t return her calls about house rules or the contract, so she is already leaning towards kicking him out. When my original housemate confronted me he came to my door shouting and carrying on. As well as threatening me. I quickly stayed in my room with the door lock and called the land lady. We are going to have a meeting on Wednesday to discuss if my housemate is getting put out or not. She has told them both to leave the house for the weekend and by all means call the cops if they try something.
So am I creating drama or right in how I feel about my housemate?
Am I wrong for wanting my housemate out?
It doesn't really matter what you feel. What the lease says is what matters. This is a case where how your perceive your housemates is utterly irrelevant. They have just as much of a right to live where they do as you do.
What does the lease say? Follow what the lease says.
We are going to have a meeting on Wednesday to discuss if my housemate is getting put out or not.
This is not up for your land lady to determine. If you are being assaulted, you should be talking to the cops about the assault and then find a safer place to stay. However, "shouting" is not inherently a violent offense. Lest a lease violation or a criminal offense, the lease gives your housemate(s) the right to live where they are.
She has told them both to leave the house for the weekend and by all means call the cops if they try something.
I am not aware of any place in the USA where this is remotely legal at all. If you lock your housemates out and/or call the cops if they return, it is likely you will end up with yourself in trouble for locking a tenant out of their own home.
posted by saeculorum at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
It doesn't really matter what you feel. What the lease says is what matters. This is a case where how your perceive your housemates is utterly irrelevant. They have just as much of a right to live where they do as you do.
What does the lease say? Follow what the lease says.
We are going to have a meeting on Wednesday to discuss if my housemate is getting put out or not.
This is not up for your land lady to determine. If you are being assaulted, you should be talking to the cops about the assault and then find a safer place to stay. However, "shouting" is not inherently a violent offense. Lest a lease violation or a criminal offense, the lease gives your housemate(s) the right to live where they are.
She has told them both to leave the house for the weekend and by all means call the cops if they try something.
I am not aware of any place in the USA where this is remotely legal at all. If you lock your housemates out and/or call the cops if they return, it is likely you will end up with yourself in trouble for locking a tenant out of their own home.
posted by saeculorum at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2016 [6 favorites]
What jurisdiction is this? What your landlady is planning might not even be legal. Either way...
You should find a new place asap because this level of danger and drama is not not nope never ever necessary. It sounds like the two men are taking over the house? You all rent, but they are two against one. Let them have the place. They are threatening you and intimidating you - just move. Seriously. This is not worth it.
The landlady need to cut you a break on your rent so you can afford to move.
Telling you to call the police if you are in danger is ABSURD. These men likely have a legal right to be in the shared home, and that's what the police will say if they show up. The police can't really protect you. The landlady can't protect you.
You protect yourself by cutting a deal and moving out.
I know it super sucks, but it will be worse if something awful happens to you. You are better off finding a saner landlord and a safer household. This stuff happens and you are not a bad person, but you really do need to move out for your own safety. Please.
posted by jbenben at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2016 [18 favorites]
You should find a new place asap because this level of danger and drama is not not nope never ever necessary. It sounds like the two men are taking over the house? You all rent, but they are two against one. Let them have the place. They are threatening you and intimidating you - just move. Seriously. This is not worth it.
The landlady need to cut you a break on your rent so you can afford to move.
Telling you to call the police if you are in danger is ABSURD. These men likely have a legal right to be in the shared home, and that's what the police will say if they show up. The police can't really protect you. The landlady can't protect you.
You protect yourself by cutting a deal and moving out.
I know it super sucks, but it will be worse if something awful happens to you. You are better off finding a saner landlord and a safer household. This stuff happens and you are not a bad person, but you really do need to move out for your own safety. Please.
posted by jbenben at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2016 [18 favorites]
This is very confusing. Who is on the lease? And what legal right does the landlord have to ban them from the house for the weekend or at all?
If you don't feel safe can you stay over at someone else's place for awhile until this is sorted out? This whole situation sounds really odd.
posted by futz at 5:07 PM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you don't feel safe can you stay over at someone else's place for awhile until this is sorted out? This whole situation sounds really odd.
posted by futz at 5:07 PM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Move. As soon as possible.
posted by delight at 5:16 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by delight at 5:16 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
If I'm reading this right, the housemate who made threats against you is not the one in danger of being kicked out? if he's threatening now because you talked to the the landlady, hoes he going to be when his friend is thrown out? I would find a new place.
posted by rodlymight at 5:18 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by rodlymight at 5:18 PM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: This fucking sucks. Everything was fine until his friend was moved in... She did offer me to stay at another house of her's so I might have no choice...
posted by TheBronxGirl at 5:22 PM on January 16, 2016
posted by TheBronxGirl at 5:22 PM on January 16, 2016
Response by poster: It's a 30 day lease and we are free to leave as we please. She owns everything.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 5:26 PM on January 16, 2016
posted by TheBronxGirl at 5:26 PM on January 16, 2016
This fucking sucks.
It certainly does. Obnoxious old person- take this as a lesson and move on. You're in the middle of a situation where emotions are running high. Once you've moved and are out, you'll wonder why you wasted any energy on it.
I'd take the land lady's offer to stay somewhere else, seems like the easiest move.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 5:42 PM on January 16, 2016 [17 favorites]
It certainly does. Obnoxious old person- take this as a lesson and move on. You're in the middle of a situation where emotions are running high. Once you've moved and are out, you'll wonder why you wasted any energy on it.
I'd take the land lady's offer to stay somewhere else, seems like the easiest move.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 5:42 PM on January 16, 2016 [17 favorites]
An addendum to my comment, that doesn't mean that they are in the right and you are wrong, just that it's really not worth fighting. The landlady might mediate, but that's probably going to end with them "trying again" and the state of things slowly declining until you wish you had moved out in the first place.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by [insert clever name here] at 5:45 PM on January 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
This isn't related to your question, but in general, month-to-month leases are more likely to attract sketchy people. Enforcing rules can be really hard in such a situation. If it is at all possible for you to find a longer lease period, I'd really recommend it. HUGS
posted by k8t at 5:59 PM on January 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by k8t at 5:59 PM on January 16, 2016 [7 favorites]
Move out. Preferably to a small, studio apartment.
Living with people sucks.
If you keep renting rooms, you'll keep ending up in situations with weird people. If you know some nice people, you can all be roommates together and get your own house, but if you're in essentially in a boarding house, then you're always going to be subject to the landlady moving in some sketch-a-doodle person, without regard for the vibe of the house.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 PM on January 16, 2016 [8 favorites]
Living with people sucks.
If you keep renting rooms, you'll keep ending up in situations with weird people. If you know some nice people, you can all be roommates together and get your own house, but if you're in essentially in a boarding house, then you're always going to be subject to the landlady moving in some sketch-a-doodle person, without regard for the vibe of the house.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 PM on January 16, 2016 [8 favorites]
In most jurisdictions, the landlady does not have the right to visit the house if she is renting it out and doesn't live there - if I were your housemate I would be angry at an interfering landlady who could well be breaching local tenancy laws.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:50 PM on January 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 7:50 PM on January 16, 2016 [4 favorites]
This sounds like an unsafe situation that you need to get out of, but it's got nothing to do with their age. Jerks are jerks, whether they're 20 or 70. Your gut is telling you that this situation is not safe - you had to lock the door because someone was threatening you. I wouldn't worry about who is right and who is wrong - I would just get myself out of there as soon as possible. Roommate situations can work out - I found a great roommate through craigslist, but I put a lot of effort into screening people and rejected everyone who seemed even slightly off.
posted by FencingGal at 8:11 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 8:11 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Get out of there ASAP. Even if both of those other guys get kicked out, it's still the sort of rental situation that allows/attracts such people. You need to live somewhere safer.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:23 PM on January 16, 2016
posted by Jacqueline at 11:23 PM on January 16, 2016
Move out and find an apartment that meets the following criteria:
1. A lease for a fixed longer period of time. This may sound inconvenient, but it will help to ensure that you end up living with more stable individuals. (Weird sketchy people are less likely to want to sign a year lease.)
2. Housemates who you are baseline OK with. I've lived with people of a variety of ages and genders, but if someone doesn't feel right to you for ANY reason, it's absolutely fine to not live with them. If you feel more comfortable with other women, or people around your age, so be it.
3. Clearly set out household policies on things like quiet hours, when it's OK to have guests over, and what kind of notice is needed. FWIW I think your needs on the guest issue are a little stringent compared to roommates I've had in the past, but if everyone in your new place agrees, then that's great!
4. A living arrangement where you agree to live with any pre-existing tenants on your own, rather than dealing directly with the landlord for everything. The landlord getting this closely involved with who is staying and who is going and the roommate dynamics and house rules sounds super weird to me, and in my experience it's a lot easier when your agreement is mainly with your fellow roommates and not some kind of landlord as parental stand-in. Most roommate situations I've had, I never even met the landlord. Or they were just someone I made a check out to every month or called about maintenance issues. For interpersonal stuff, I dealt with my roommates directly.
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. A lease for a fixed longer period of time. This may sound inconvenient, but it will help to ensure that you end up living with more stable individuals. (Weird sketchy people are less likely to want to sign a year lease.)
2. Housemates who you are baseline OK with. I've lived with people of a variety of ages and genders, but if someone doesn't feel right to you for ANY reason, it's absolutely fine to not live with them. If you feel more comfortable with other women, or people around your age, so be it.
3. Clearly set out household policies on things like quiet hours, when it's OK to have guests over, and what kind of notice is needed. FWIW I think your needs on the guest issue are a little stringent compared to roommates I've had in the past, but if everyone in your new place agrees, then that's great!
4. A living arrangement where you agree to live with any pre-existing tenants on your own, rather than dealing directly with the landlord for everything. The landlord getting this closely involved with who is staying and who is going and the roommate dynamics and house rules sounds super weird to me, and in my experience it's a lot easier when your agreement is mainly with your fellow roommates and not some kind of landlord as parental stand-in. Most roommate situations I've had, I never even met the landlord. Or they were just someone I made a check out to every month or called about maintenance issues. For interpersonal stuff, I dealt with my roommates directly.
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Get out of there. Now. Go stay with friend or relative, but get out soonest!
Trust your feelings. I was in a similar situation once with 3 other roommates. When the third one showed up, I just knew something was off about this guy. I didn't follow my feelings and when the poop hit the fan it splattered us all.
posted by james33 at 2:53 AM on January 17, 2016
Trust your feelings. I was in a similar situation once with 3 other roommates. When the third one showed up, I just knew something was off about this guy. I didn't follow my feelings and when the poop hit the fan it splattered us all.
posted by james33 at 2:53 AM on January 17, 2016
You have very few obligations. Find some other place to live.
Yeah, it sucks - I'm trying to right now too - but it'll feel great when you pull it off!
posted by porpoise at 3:37 AM on January 17, 2016
Yeah, it sucks - I'm trying to right now too - but it'll feel great when you pull it off!
posted by porpoise at 3:37 AM on January 17, 2016
You aren't wrong for wanting your roommate out. You have to go about it legally. Read your lease carefully. Then document the behavior at issue. Noise - what time, what days. Threats - what threats, exactly, when. Then you can sit down with roommates and maybe landlord and decide how to proceed. If roommate has to leave, make sure roommate gets any deposit returned, and any payments are treated fairly. So if roommate leaves on 2/1, deposit may be held until gas and electric bills are known and paid.
If you are unsafe, call the police, then stay elsewhere. Get the name of the responding officers, get a copy of any report.
I used to be a landlord, and tenants would involve me in drama. My response was - document it and deal with it as adults. I met with one roommate who was a nutjob and threatened me (she knows warlocks who can cause me harm, no, really, and her uncle is a lawyer). I told her she broke the lease by threatening me and I expected her gone immediately, which worked. Assholes gonna asshole, document it, and don't be an asshole.
posted by theora55 at 8:05 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you are unsafe, call the police, then stay elsewhere. Get the name of the responding officers, get a copy of any report.
I used to be a landlord, and tenants would involve me in drama. My response was - document it and deal with it as adults. I met with one roommate who was a nutjob and threatened me (she knows warlocks who can cause me harm, no, really, and her uncle is a lawyer). I told her she broke the lease by threatening me and I expected her gone immediately, which worked. Assholes gonna asshole, document it, and don't be an asshole.
posted by theora55 at 8:05 AM on January 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
When my original housemate confronted me he came to my door shouting and carrying on. As well as threatening me.
Even if the landlady successfully evicts them, how do you know these men won't blame you and try to retaliate? And even if they do leave peacefully, you have strangers who you know nothing about coming in and out at all hours. This is not a safe living environment.
You're on a month-to-month lease and the landlady has offered you another place to stay? In the grand scheme of rental agreements, you have one that is trivially easy to leave.
tldr; High risk living environment + easy relocation = Get out now.
posted by Ndwright at 1:07 PM on January 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Even if the landlady successfully evicts them, how do you know these men won't blame you and try to retaliate? And even if they do leave peacefully, you have strangers who you know nothing about coming in and out at all hours. This is not a safe living environment.
You're on a month-to-month lease and the landlady has offered you another place to stay? In the grand scheme of rental agreements, you have one that is trivially easy to leave.
tldr; High risk living environment + easy relocation = Get out now.
posted by Ndwright at 1:07 PM on January 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
If the landlady shares the home and has this set up as a tenancy agreement, laws may be different. I had such tenancy when I was younger. I didn't understand, really, what it meant and then my landlord was walking into my apartment all the time and could rent the rooms to anyone he wanted.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:59 AM on January 18, 2016
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:59 AM on January 18, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by crazy with stars at 4:55 PM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]