Engagement and marriage alternatives to a ring/jewelry

January 14, 2016 1:40 PM

Engagement/marriage discussion is growing more serious. Neither of us (male/female) like wearing jewelry. Moreover, the cost of an engagement ring bothers me. What alternatives exist?

Before you say tattoos! I've seen so many listicles of engagement/wedding tattoos in place of a ring. I've suggested this alternative to him before, but he doesn't like tattoos (for cultural reasons) but might be persuaded if they were "professional" or "socially acceptable" I think. I'm willing to hear/see suggestions.
Other ideas?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

What about taking a trip together and taking lots of pictures? Does it need to be a durable good, and how much do you want to spend?
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:41 PM on January 14, 2016

A couple I know bought an engagement rug... So there's that. Maybe something nice and splurg-y for your home? Like a piece of art?
posted by Cat Face at 1:49 PM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

My wife and I were the same way and ended up just getting really cheap rings—hers was $1-200 on Etsy, and doesn't really look like a wedding ring, and I think mine was $20 at Sears. We were not even a little interested in the ring-industrial complex but we wanted to present as married, and wearing a ring on your ring finger does that quite nicely.

(I'd never worn one before and I thought I'd be annoyed by it, but I got used to it very fast.)
posted by Polycarp at 1:50 PM on January 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

I guess the question is whether you want something that is meaningful for the two of you, or something that has the same semiotic value as a wedding ring. If people want to know whether you're married, they are gonna look at your left hand, so I feel like a tattoo really is the only non-jewelry option for clear unassailable semiotics. The ones in the lists you linked tend to be "creative" in a way that I personally dislike and that is, more importantly, not "professional and socially acceptable," but a black line would do the trick and look rather elegant.

If you don't care about sending a message and are only interested in something to celebrate the engagement, what about something like a pair of beautiful wine or cocktail glasses -- something you'll use often but that also has a festive, celebratory feel every time you do? For exchanging something at the wedding, you could always use the cheapie rings you can buy at Party City or whatever -- nobody has to know you're not going to wear them all the time.
posted by babelfish at 1:53 PM on January 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

Joint donation to a charity of your choice. If you'd like something tangible, you could plant a tree or dedicate a bench or something and then have that as a place to come back to on anniversaries.
posted by monkeys with typewriters at 1:56 PM on January 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

It can be whatever you like and you can spend as much or as little as you like. Sponsor an engagement tree in your local park. My library will accept donations and put the donor's name on a brick in the wall. Engagement brick! Engagement wristwatch (I like this, because you wear it all the time).
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:58 PM on January 14, 2016

I'm a big fan of meteorites as unique commemorative gifts. They don't have the same display function as a wedding ring, but they convey such an enormous scale of space and time that I find them very meaningful as a declaration of love.
posted by judith at 2:00 PM on January 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

I know more than one couple where one member bought the other an engagement motorcycle.
posted by mollymayhem at 2:11 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

It doesn't have to be anything. It can be nothing. My husband has an engagement lighter. Do something as big or as small as you want. It only has to work for the two of you, and not anybody else.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:14 PM on January 14, 2016

My wedding ring is a cheap ass one from Walmart. For our engagement we bought a piece of art together.

If you go the tattoo route does it have to be on a finger? I know a couple that got their wedding date tattooed over their hearts in a very nice design.
posted by wwax at 2:16 PM on January 14, 2016

Neither Husbunny nor I like jewelry much and we most assuredly are not tattoo people. We were able to get comfort rings in white gold at Costco for $210 apiece (slightly more now.) My engagement ring was CZ and I had it all reconfigured to a ring that's comfortable and pretty. We both enjoy our rings. If that's a data point for you.

We have friends who have silver rings and every anniversary the shop for new rings and keep the old ones in a basket. That's fun, and inexpensive.

Of course you don't have to buy anything at all. Just be engaged, and then married. No item required.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:29 PM on January 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

My husband proposed with a nice bottle of champagne and a pair of lovely champagne flutes. The flutes are on a sideboard, so we can see them all the time, and of course we still use them!
posted by Bunny Boneyology at 2:35 PM on January 14, 2016 [5 favorites]

I personally like rings, but totally don't think anyone needs rings or tattoos or anything. That said, we have both.

My ring is hand-cut CZs set in white gold. $200 on Ebay. My (newer) band is lab-created sapphire in rose gold. $200 on Etsy. No one can tell it's not real and I like not having a crazy amount of money just sitting on my hand. There's so many great, inexpensive options on Etsy. My husband's ring was $30.

Now, if you don't want rings at all, tattoos are an option. We have ours on the side of our fingers. (Infinity symbols.) No one else notices them and they're just for us. That being said I'm pretty tattooed and my husband has a few, but they aren't for everyone.

Lastly, you could just get a gift for each other. Do whatever feels right for you.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:37 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Our wedding rings cost around $150 (total) back in 1991 and are plain white gold. I've been wearing mine for twenty-four years and hardly know it's there (I don't wear a lot of jewelry). You could put one on your keychain (I have a St. Francis of Assisi medal on mine, because my indoor cats don't wear collars), where it would be with you all the time and you'd be unlikely to lose it.

I think we both consider our rings to be talismans of sorts, rather than mere pieces of jewelry or even social indicators that we're "off limits"--when we're apart, wearing the ring he gave me during the wedding is kind of like having him with me, if that makes any sense, and I think he feels the same way. It's comforting. Perhaps you're looking for something that gives you that same feeling, that you could have with you at all times.

One year he gave me a deluxe Swiss Army knife as an anniversary present. A bit more prosaic than a ring, but beautiful, useful, and engraveable, although you wouldn't be able to fly with it, of course. Or, perhaps, a nice pen? The thing about wedding rings, however, is that they're really hard to lose if you're not in the habit of taking them off.
posted by tully_monster at 2:37 PM on January 14, 2016

As others have said, if the cost is a primary issue, you actually don't have to spend a lot of money. You can buy literally any ring and put it on the ring finger of your left hand and - ta-da! - engagement/wedding ring. Mine's from Etsy and it's lovely.

Neither of us are huge jewelry-wearers, but it took maybe two days before we were used to our rings, and a week before it actually felt weird to not have them on.

I'm deeply suspicious of basically everything having to do with the wedding/engagement scene, but the longer I'm married, the more I like the symbolism of wedding rings. (And if you're female, one depressing bonus is that it's a really easy way to ward off creepos, if that's ever an issue for you. Sigh.)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:50 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Other ideas?

This might be too far out there, but I have a friend who didn't like the ethics of diamonds and diamond rings, didn't like cultural underpinnings of must get ring for engagement and follw these rules, and went a different route for this.

Both she and her fiance are/were passionate animal rights/welfare and loved animals, so when they moved in together/got engaged, they adopted a dog from a shelter and named her Tiffany (like the name of the ring company), acknowledging the tradition but spinning it into something meaningful to them. They loved starting out with a fluffy animal that they both loved and was a reminder of their engagement.

I think it could easily work for other people, although they would have to weave in their own passions/ethics, etc into it.
posted by Wolfster at 3:59 PM on January 14, 2016 [8 favorites]

Maybe plant a tree and watch it grow over the years? It would be even cooler if it gave you fruit.
posted by Jubey at 4:03 PM on January 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

One of the customary gifts engagement (or wedding) gifts Korean couples exchange with each other are watches.
posted by needled at 4:22 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

My partner got me an affordable brass ring (it's lightweight!) which I wear on a chain around my neck. This was done in part because I can't wear rings on my left hand ring finger due to an injury.

Donations to a charity you love.

Joint retirement savings account.

Photo-op in front of a ridiculous cardboard ring so you have something to show your friends.

A friend got an engagement bassoon.

Engagement item for display in the home -- signed poster of an artist you saw together, gorgeous print of where you met, bug honkin' geode, model ship, figures from the game you were playing when you met, whatever.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 5:10 PM on January 14, 2016

I felt the way you do, more or less, but am happy we went with (inexpensive) rings. But having just bought our first real "adult" mattress, I think that should be the new tradition -- that the couple buys themselves a nice mattress, pillows, and quilt.
posted by slidell at 5:49 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

I knew someone whose "ring" was a tattoo of a plain black line, men's wedding ring width or a bit smaller. I'd say that's pretty professional and unobtrusive, unlike the mostly awful pics in your links... and if he starts to hate it, it would be easily covered up by a real (cheap) ring. Wouldn't advise any tattoo if he still doesn't like the idea, though.
posted by randomnity at 6:50 PM on January 14, 2016

I also do not like wearing jewelry. I went with a tungsten carbide ring, which I like because it is very simple, inexpensive, and damn near indestructible (completely scratch-proof). It expresses what is important to me (I am in a committed marriage) without being ornamental.
posted by slagheap at 9:15 PM on January 14, 2016

I know you said you don't like jewelry - I'm still trying to figure out the ring situation. I definitely want to look married (as others noted, it lessens the chances of awkward conversations) - but in the meantime my hubby gave me a cute Betsey Johnson costume skull bracelet for Xmas, and I like it so much I'm wearing it every day and think of it as my engagement bracelet, though it wasn't spendy at all (under $20 at Macy's).
posted by cartoonella at 4:53 AM on January 15, 2016

Another ring option: Silicone rubber wedding rings. Cheaper, more comfortable, and safer than traditional metal jewelry.
posted by Ardea alba at 9:44 AM on January 15, 2016

A friend of mine was proposed to with a kayak.

I re-proposed with a BBQ.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:52 AM on January 15, 2016

What about getting engaged without anything at all? It sounds like you don't have anything that is really calling either one of you, but you feel like you're supposed to buy something to mark the occasion just because we've been taught that by the jewelers' associations. But if you want, you can just get engaged without a ring or anything.

Another thing to think about is: a ring can be useful because it signals to other people that you're engaged or married. If you don't care about signaling that, but you do want to buy yourselves something, then you should just buy whatever you want: an engagement lamp, a marital rug, etc. I would caution against buying trees or plants unless you're both really excellent gardeners, because I think it would be rather upsetting if your marital tree died after a few years.

Also, this might sound sort of blasphemous, but: you can also get married without rings if you want, and if you decide 6 months or a year or two later that one (or both) of you would like to have a wedding ring after all, you can go out and buy one then.
posted by colfax at 11:24 AM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I came in to say what Colfax said: don't do or buy anything. That's fine too.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:49 AM on January 17, 2016