My mother is dying and I live 3500 miles away
January 14, 2016 9:04 AM Subscribe
This is my first experience with the death of a close family member. I feel a million things and it's all complicated being so far away and I don't know what to do. Snowflake details inside
End of July last year my mother was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I was due to visit late August and when I arrived, we were told she was dying. She had surgery a week later and it turned out to be a miracle surgery. They got the entire tumor and we were told she didn't need chemo.
Fast forward to yesterday. My Mum wasn't feeling good and went in for a CT scan. The cancer has grown back aggressively. It's all over her spine and all over the organs in the back of her body. She has been given 6-8 weeks. She is going to die this time. She is 63.
My plan right now is to fly back to the UK within the next week or two for a couple of weeks. I'll then come back to the US for a breather, and will be ready to fly home again as soon as my family think it's time.
I know I cannot emotionally handle being there for the next 2 months potentially, waiting for her to die. I also can't just leave my job and my home for a month. They keep me sane, my life is here and I really can't leave it for 2 months without going crazy. I have mental health issues and will lose my shit.
I just want to hear from other people who have had a somewhat similar experience. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty being so far away. I feel guilty because I feel lucky to be separated in some way, I'm not there in the middle of it, I have somewhat of an escape.
My father is going to be destroyed without her, how do I help him through this? He's 71. His entire life is her. He has been her caretaker 24/7 for the past year. He has had depression his whole life, he doesn't talk about his feelings. I have never seen him cry until yesterday. I have 3 siblings. They all leave close, but I'm the only one who understands my Dad and the only one he can really turn to. I'm also the only one out of them that handled it somewhat well. They kind of look to my Mum for comfort and I just don't think that's the right thing to be doing right now. I do get it though, I know everyone deals differently. I totally hide my feelings from my parents and I distract them and try to look after them. I have spent a lot of my life sad, I know how to deal with things, but other people hurting kills me.
- I want to try and take away the tough stuff my Dad may have to handle, should I try and broach the subject of what she wants at the end? Funeral stuff, can I help figure out any logistics?
- Do I stay after she dies and try to help work out what is happening with her stuff?
- How do I cope with all these feelings? I feel guilty, sad, I desperately want it to be over and I feel terrible about that. I'm not worried about how sad I am but I cannot deal with the knowledge my father is in pain.
- What's it like when she dies and I know I'll never see her again?
- How do you handle being so far away knowing this could happen any time?
It's all just such a mess and it's so new and I haven't done this before.
Sorry this is jumbled. I just feel so lost and I don't know how to do this and I don't know anyone in real life I can turn to.
My boyfriend is being incredible. I don't know what I'd do without him. He is more than likely going to be with me for the first trip but he has a job booked for March and I don't want to stop that happening (he's a commercial director).
You were the first people I thought to turn to and I'm really glad you guys are here.
End of July last year my mother was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I was due to visit late August and when I arrived, we were told she was dying. She had surgery a week later and it turned out to be a miracle surgery. They got the entire tumor and we were told she didn't need chemo.
Fast forward to yesterday. My Mum wasn't feeling good and went in for a CT scan. The cancer has grown back aggressively. It's all over her spine and all over the organs in the back of her body. She has been given 6-8 weeks. She is going to die this time. She is 63.
My plan right now is to fly back to the UK within the next week or two for a couple of weeks. I'll then come back to the US for a breather, and will be ready to fly home again as soon as my family think it's time.
I know I cannot emotionally handle being there for the next 2 months potentially, waiting for her to die. I also can't just leave my job and my home for a month. They keep me sane, my life is here and I really can't leave it for 2 months without going crazy. I have mental health issues and will lose my shit.
I just want to hear from other people who have had a somewhat similar experience. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty being so far away. I feel guilty because I feel lucky to be separated in some way, I'm not there in the middle of it, I have somewhat of an escape.
My father is going to be destroyed without her, how do I help him through this? He's 71. His entire life is her. He has been her caretaker 24/7 for the past year. He has had depression his whole life, he doesn't talk about his feelings. I have never seen him cry until yesterday. I have 3 siblings. They all leave close, but I'm the only one who understands my Dad and the only one he can really turn to. I'm also the only one out of them that handled it somewhat well. They kind of look to my Mum for comfort and I just don't think that's the right thing to be doing right now. I do get it though, I know everyone deals differently. I totally hide my feelings from my parents and I distract them and try to look after them. I have spent a lot of my life sad, I know how to deal with things, but other people hurting kills me.
- I want to try and take away the tough stuff my Dad may have to handle, should I try and broach the subject of what she wants at the end? Funeral stuff, can I help figure out any logistics?
- Do I stay after she dies and try to help work out what is happening with her stuff?
- How do I cope with all these feelings? I feel guilty, sad, I desperately want it to be over and I feel terrible about that. I'm not worried about how sad I am but I cannot deal with the knowledge my father is in pain.
- What's it like when she dies and I know I'll never see her again?
- How do you handle being so far away knowing this could happen any time?
It's all just such a mess and it's so new and I haven't done this before.
Sorry this is jumbled. I just feel so lost and I don't know how to do this and I don't know anyone in real life I can turn to.
My boyfriend is being incredible. I don't know what I'd do without him. He is more than likely going to be with me for the first trip but he has a job booked for March and I don't want to stop that happening (he's a commercial director).
You were the first people I thought to turn to and I'm really glad you guys are here.
Regarding your father, keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and as regular, so that he always has someone to talk to. From my experience, the bulk of the logistics for the funeral get dealt with after the person dies, so if you can, I would plan to be around at that time to help organise things to take some of it off your father's shoulders. If you have someone locally (an aunt/uncle, cousin or close friend?) who can be ready and waiting to team up with you at this time, then that would be ideal. There's a lot to do (and it all seems too much given what has just happened) and having someone a little further away from the centre of the grieving to help with the admin may be a lifesaver for you.
What's it like when she dies and I know I'll never see her again?
You can mitigate the awfulness of missing someone so badly by making the most of your time left. On your way over to see her, think of some questions you would like to ask her while you can (if there is an appropriate time). Think of things you would like to tell her, or do together. Take photographs, and videos if appropriate. Do not get hung up on making big gestures, but do small things every day to let her know she is loved - massages, cups of tea etc. Do all you can to give yourself a shining, beautiful talisman of time spent lovingly and meaningfully, to hold on to during the dark times.
- How do you handle being so far away knowing this could happen any time?
The best answer to this, and your question about how to deal with the sadness, is probably counselling (start early and continue as long as you need to when you are grieving). But other things will help - keeping in touch, with both of your parents, making the most of the time you do spend together, and not guilt-tripping yourself when you are doing the best you can. Be a friend to yourself, now and in the future. And lastly, draw your friends close and lean on them. This is the moment that friends get to demonstrate how much they love you, and use their love to hold you up. If you haven't heard about "comfort in, dump out" then read this article - anyone in a circle further out than you, you can lean on.
Good luck, lots of sympathy and strength to you, and lean on us MeFites if you need more support or advice.
posted by greenish at 9:58 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
What's it like when she dies and I know I'll never see her again?
You can mitigate the awfulness of missing someone so badly by making the most of your time left. On your way over to see her, think of some questions you would like to ask her while you can (if there is an appropriate time). Think of things you would like to tell her, or do together. Take photographs, and videos if appropriate. Do not get hung up on making big gestures, but do small things every day to let her know she is loved - massages, cups of tea etc. Do all you can to give yourself a shining, beautiful talisman of time spent lovingly and meaningfully, to hold on to during the dark times.
- How do you handle being so far away knowing this could happen any time?
The best answer to this, and your question about how to deal with the sadness, is probably counselling (start early and continue as long as you need to when you are grieving). But other things will help - keeping in touch, with both of your parents, making the most of the time you do spend together, and not guilt-tripping yourself when you are doing the best you can. Be a friend to yourself, now and in the future. And lastly, draw your friends close and lean on them. This is the moment that friends get to demonstrate how much they love you, and use their love to hold you up. If you haven't heard about "comfort in, dump out" then read this article - anyone in a circle further out than you, you can lean on.
Good luck, lots of sympathy and strength to you, and lean on us MeFites if you need more support or advice.
posted by greenish at 9:58 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
My father died in 1990, when I was 15 (so, wasn't able to help with a lot of adult stuff that you might be able to help with.) Things that come to mind for me, besides taking care of yourself, because that definitely matters.
- Visiting is good. Talking about whatever things you want to make sure to say, in case things take a rapid turn for the worse and you don't get another chance is also good, even if it can be really hard. I get a lot of consolation out of the fact that my father and I made the most of the time we had at the end, and that I can't think of ways I could have done that better.
- My father wrote a letter to me the summer before he died that I still (25 years later) reread regularly. It was *such* a gift: the things that he would never have said in person, for various reasons, and it gives me something I can turn to when I am really missing him or wondering what he'd think of me now. If there's a chance your mother's up for doing this for you and each of your siblings, it's a thing I really encourage (my father never would have thought of it, but it was part of a church camp thing.)
- Talking about the funeral planning can be hard, but it's definitely something that can be largely sorted out in advance, so no one has to do it in the moment. Music, readings, things your mother does and doesn't want. Talking about the physical stuff with your siblings is also good, but probably less urgent unless there's really big things your mother cares about, or things that might be a point of contention.
- Talk to your father and siblings about if there's ways you can help from a distance. For example, I've acted as the external brain for people in the middle of a difficult situation, helping coordinate getting the message out to others (so they didn't have to answer update dozens of times a day), coordinating who was showing up to help with what errand, etc. A lot of that can be done long distance, though being multiple timezones away can complicate parts of it.
- Grief is really really physically stressful. There are a lot of reasons that a surviving spouse sometimes doesn't live much past their partner's death, but basically, if you or your siblings or your father already have medical issues that are affected by stress, keep a close eye on them, talk to your relevant doctors, all of that. (A little precautionary discussion of what to look for with a doctor might be good.) And generally, just be really gentle with your expectations of yourself, how much you're going to get done on anything that isn't essential, what your body is up for.
- Related, it would be a good time to not only make sure your mother has a will, but that your father does (and that he's got legally binding documents for what he wants for his own care/who should handle stuff if he can't.) Just in case.
- There are really excellent grief resources and groups out there. Your EAP is a good place to start, but the hospital your mother's being seen at, her doctor, or the local public library can probably all help too.
- Little brief things are good. Not just your parents, but your siblings. A link or two a day to pretty, comforting, enjoyable things is a good way to make it clear you're thinking of them/etc. If your mother likes cards or postcards, those might be a way to brighten her day, even if you have to allow for mailing time.
- Don't be afraid to take your own grief outside the circle of your family (though it may be worth figuring out if there's someone you know who also knows your mother who you can talk to, but isn't in the midst of dealing with everything themselves: most of the people in my life now never knew my father, and there are times that makes it hard to talk about him when I want to do grief stuff. Which I still sometime do, 25 years later.)
- It gets different, grieving. Better is not really the word, but it gets different, and easier to bear eventually. And everyone grieves in their own way, and not necessarily in ways that are good for them or for you, but trying to change that is often a losing proposition. Giving space to the people who are doing it in ways you can't cope with, while being there for them when you can is often a better way to go. (That means building your own support network: sounds like you've got some good things going there already.)
- Don't be afraid to tell people (especially your boyfriend/friends) what you need from them, or what helps. Often people are hesitant to offer, because they aren't sure what's okay, or if it's okay for them to talk about things going on with *their* parents, or whatever. Be aware that what you're okay with, or what you find helpful may change, and let them know that too.
Please feel free to MeMail if you'd like, too.
posted by modernhypatia at 10:20 AM on January 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
- Visiting is good. Talking about whatever things you want to make sure to say, in case things take a rapid turn for the worse and you don't get another chance is also good, even if it can be really hard. I get a lot of consolation out of the fact that my father and I made the most of the time we had at the end, and that I can't think of ways I could have done that better.
- My father wrote a letter to me the summer before he died that I still (25 years later) reread regularly. It was *such* a gift: the things that he would never have said in person, for various reasons, and it gives me something I can turn to when I am really missing him or wondering what he'd think of me now. If there's a chance your mother's up for doing this for you and each of your siblings, it's a thing I really encourage (my father never would have thought of it, but it was part of a church camp thing.)
- Talking about the funeral planning can be hard, but it's definitely something that can be largely sorted out in advance, so no one has to do it in the moment. Music, readings, things your mother does and doesn't want. Talking about the physical stuff with your siblings is also good, but probably less urgent unless there's really big things your mother cares about, or things that might be a point of contention.
- Talk to your father and siblings about if there's ways you can help from a distance. For example, I've acted as the external brain for people in the middle of a difficult situation, helping coordinate getting the message out to others (so they didn't have to answer update dozens of times a day), coordinating who was showing up to help with what errand, etc. A lot of that can be done long distance, though being multiple timezones away can complicate parts of it.
- Grief is really really physically stressful. There are a lot of reasons that a surviving spouse sometimes doesn't live much past their partner's death, but basically, if you or your siblings or your father already have medical issues that are affected by stress, keep a close eye on them, talk to your relevant doctors, all of that. (A little precautionary discussion of what to look for with a doctor might be good.) And generally, just be really gentle with your expectations of yourself, how much you're going to get done on anything that isn't essential, what your body is up for.
- Related, it would be a good time to not only make sure your mother has a will, but that your father does (and that he's got legally binding documents for what he wants for his own care/who should handle stuff if he can't.) Just in case.
- There are really excellent grief resources and groups out there. Your EAP is a good place to start, but the hospital your mother's being seen at, her doctor, or the local public library can probably all help too.
- Little brief things are good. Not just your parents, but your siblings. A link or two a day to pretty, comforting, enjoyable things is a good way to make it clear you're thinking of them/etc. If your mother likes cards or postcards, those might be a way to brighten her day, even if you have to allow for mailing time.
- Don't be afraid to take your own grief outside the circle of your family (though it may be worth figuring out if there's someone you know who also knows your mother who you can talk to, but isn't in the midst of dealing with everything themselves: most of the people in my life now never knew my father, and there are times that makes it hard to talk about him when I want to do grief stuff. Which I still sometime do, 25 years later.)
- It gets different, grieving. Better is not really the word, but it gets different, and easier to bear eventually. And everyone grieves in their own way, and not necessarily in ways that are good for them or for you, but trying to change that is often a losing proposition. Giving space to the people who are doing it in ways you can't cope with, while being there for them when you can is often a better way to go. (That means building your own support network: sounds like you've got some good things going there already.)
- Don't be afraid to tell people (especially your boyfriend/friends) what you need from them, or what helps. Often people are hesitant to offer, because they aren't sure what's okay, or if it's okay for them to talk about things going on with *their* parents, or whatever. Be aware that what you're okay with, or what you find helpful may change, and let them know that too.
Please feel free to MeMail if you'd like, too.
posted by modernhypatia at 10:20 AM on January 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
- What's it like when she dies and I know I'll never see her again?
My dad died two years ago, but we still talk every day. I know this sounds weird, but in many ways he's more present than ever in my everyday life. I have friends who have experienced the same after losing a parent, and we've all been surprised by it. It doesn't happen immediately for everyone, but it does happen.
One thing that was been a huge comfort to me was reconsidering my emotional inheritance. My dad was this wonderfully patient, kind, thoughtful, measured person. After losing him, I actively started trying to be more like him. I try to keep those qualities alive and keep his general sense of goodness in the world. I don't always get it right, but I feel it's my responsibility to him and I keep trying.
Hugs if you want them. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk, OK?
posted by mochapickle at 10:28 AM on January 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
My dad died two years ago, but we still talk every day. I know this sounds weird, but in many ways he's more present than ever in my everyday life. I have friends who have experienced the same after losing a parent, and we've all been surprised by it. It doesn't happen immediately for everyone, but it does happen.
One thing that was been a huge comfort to me was reconsidering my emotional inheritance. My dad was this wonderfully patient, kind, thoughtful, measured person. After losing him, I actively started trying to be more like him. I try to keep those qualities alive and keep his general sense of goodness in the world. I don't always get it right, but I feel it's my responsibility to him and I keep trying.
Hugs if you want them. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk, OK?
posted by mochapickle at 10:28 AM on January 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
My other advice is to realize that not everyone will be on the same stage of grief.
The priorities and communication styles for each stage have the potential to clash, especially when you need to make decisions about care.
Take breathers/go for a walk when you need to, and listen without trying to explain.
posted by mochapickle at 10:40 AM on January 14, 2016
The priorities and communication styles for each stage have the potential to clash, especially when you need to make decisions about care.
Take breathers/go for a walk when you need to, and listen without trying to explain.
posted by mochapickle at 10:40 AM on January 14, 2016
So sorry for what you are going through.
I was in a similar position in 2012 and I might not be able to explain to you how to cope with it but at least know you have a kindred spirit. My parents, in the UK, were both in their early 80's at the time and I was in Texas.
My dad had been battling cancer for a few years, then all of a sudden there was nothing more to be done and he was dying. I felt very very far away and very guilty about it. I was already prepared to fly back as quick as I could book a flight, and did not want to go too early - hanging around my parents' home 'waiting for dad to die' just seemed wrong and I knew my own mental health issues would not cope with much of that. My mum had enough on her plate than worrying about guests (and she would have put her hostess hat on, regardless of who was staying!) so I phoned every day to see what was happening.
The care team and MacMillan nurses were brilliant and it was really pointers from them which helped me find the right time to go. It was several weeks before his health completely declined and I turned up three days before he died. It was long enough to spend time with him and support my mum but not long enough to start feeling I was getting in the way. Mum was also getting a little overwhelmed with visitors at this point so I could at least give her a bit of a break and just making endless pots of tea helped my mental state at the very least, although coping with neighbours and well wishers is a bit of a challenge.
My parents lives were centred around eachother, and for me supporting mum was a priority because I thought she would be quite lost without dad. I hid my grief quite a lot from her because I had to be the strong one to help her make lots of decisions.
We went through everything together, the registration of the death, the funeral arrangements. It was the first time I had done anything like it too and your parents might have arrangements in place, if not (like mine who thought they'd live forever) its quite easy to discover online the official steps of which office you go to for registering the death and everything you need to do afterwards (like cancelling bank accounts etc) and the local funeral directors steered us through absolutely everything else.
Afterwards, well, I suppose my mum surprised me a bit by rather quickly wanting to be independent. I'd been prepared to stay on for a couple of months, or for as long as it took for her to feel comfortable on her own - I wondered if she would at all, but within a couple of weeks she was goading me to return to the US and to my own life (although I am planning on moving back with her later this year as her own health is failing). During the week after the funeral she was already turning dad's stuff out - it was her way of coping with the stress and as harsh as it felt to me I had to respect thats what she wanted to do. I kept things which had sentimental value to me and brought them back with me. Mum gave me the task of clearing out his workshop which was emotionally so hard to do... but I did it because I knew she wanted me to do it. It was during those days tackling endless piles of 'might come in handy' crap and huge spiders that I came to terms with my loss and felt the closest I'd ever been to my Dad.
modernhypatia has said so much I agree with regarding the emotional side of things which I'm not very good at explaining myself.
Please memail me if you need to in the future as I do so understand that terrible feeling of being so far away. I think you've done an awesome thing, posting on here now, and addressing your worries, and hopefully getting some support. I wish I had done that, and I'm so pleased your boyfriend is supportive. Sending you lots of strength!
posted by Brecha at 11:38 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was in a similar position in 2012 and I might not be able to explain to you how to cope with it but at least know you have a kindred spirit. My parents, in the UK, were both in their early 80's at the time and I was in Texas.
My dad had been battling cancer for a few years, then all of a sudden there was nothing more to be done and he was dying. I felt very very far away and very guilty about it. I was already prepared to fly back as quick as I could book a flight, and did not want to go too early - hanging around my parents' home 'waiting for dad to die' just seemed wrong and I knew my own mental health issues would not cope with much of that. My mum had enough on her plate than worrying about guests (and she would have put her hostess hat on, regardless of who was staying!) so I phoned every day to see what was happening.
The care team and MacMillan nurses were brilliant and it was really pointers from them which helped me find the right time to go. It was several weeks before his health completely declined and I turned up three days before he died. It was long enough to spend time with him and support my mum but not long enough to start feeling I was getting in the way. Mum was also getting a little overwhelmed with visitors at this point so I could at least give her a bit of a break and just making endless pots of tea helped my mental state at the very least, although coping with neighbours and well wishers is a bit of a challenge.
My parents lives were centred around eachother, and for me supporting mum was a priority because I thought she would be quite lost without dad. I hid my grief quite a lot from her because I had to be the strong one to help her make lots of decisions.
We went through everything together, the registration of the death, the funeral arrangements. It was the first time I had done anything like it too and your parents might have arrangements in place, if not (like mine who thought they'd live forever) its quite easy to discover online the official steps of which office you go to for registering the death and everything you need to do afterwards (like cancelling bank accounts etc) and the local funeral directors steered us through absolutely everything else.
Afterwards, well, I suppose my mum surprised me a bit by rather quickly wanting to be independent. I'd been prepared to stay on for a couple of months, or for as long as it took for her to feel comfortable on her own - I wondered if she would at all, but within a couple of weeks she was goading me to return to the US and to my own life (although I am planning on moving back with her later this year as her own health is failing). During the week after the funeral she was already turning dad's stuff out - it was her way of coping with the stress and as harsh as it felt to me I had to respect thats what she wanted to do. I kept things which had sentimental value to me and brought them back with me. Mum gave me the task of clearing out his workshop which was emotionally so hard to do... but I did it because I knew she wanted me to do it. It was during those days tackling endless piles of 'might come in handy' crap and huge spiders that I came to terms with my loss and felt the closest I'd ever been to my Dad.
modernhypatia has said so much I agree with regarding the emotional side of things which I'm not very good at explaining myself.
Please memail me if you need to in the future as I do so understand that terrible feeling of being so far away. I think you've done an awesome thing, posting on here now, and addressing your worries, and hopefully getting some support. I wish I had done that, and I'm so pleased your boyfriend is supportive. Sending you lots of strength!
posted by Brecha at 11:38 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just want to second (third? seventh?) that the grief process is indeed different for everyone; how you deal with things, feelings, the rate of moving through things, etc. The feelings you have (wanting things to be over, being too far away, etc.) are not only fairly common, but completely understandable and feelings of guilt is just one of the many pieces intertwined in the grief process. I have to think that your mother would be very proud of you working so hard to take care of yourself, and to do what you think is right. I wish I had more to offer you, but good for you that you are focusing on taking care of yourself, and cheers to your boyfriend for being supportive.
I'm sorry that you are going through this; I wish you the best and hope that you are able to find peace and strength as you need them.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:53 PM on January 14, 2016
I'm sorry that you are going through this; I wish you the best and hope that you are able to find peace and strength as you need them.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:53 PM on January 14, 2016
There's nothing you can do to make this anything but awful. Do what you can, try to avoid the most self destructive and irreversible coping mechanisms, be with your mom however you are able to, and live with the results, that's it.
posted by Salamandrous at 1:23 PM on January 16, 2016
posted by Salamandrous at 1:23 PM on January 16, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Please seek out a grief counselor for yourself. Your work might offer some kind of Employee Assistance Program, take them up on it if it's available. You've got to get the oxygen mask on yourself before you can think about taking care of your Dad.
Does your mom have a will?
If you stay afterward or not, that's your call. You might have a better idea after this first visit, after you've seen your mom and talked to your family in person. You have my permission to go home, though, if you can't. That's okay. See: Please take care of yourself.
As to your last two questions, grief is different for everyone. But for me? I kept wanting to talk about my grandpa, wanting to send him letters and messages and think about conversations. That was after I spent a day and a half in a haze, then cried when someone tried to enter the 20 items or less lane with a full cart. (Grief is weird.)
Call your dad. Skype's good. Just... remember to talk to them, and know that living the best life you can is a great way to say thank you to your family. You're far away, but you're not alone.
posted by PearlRose at 9:34 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]