How do I deal with working from home?

January 14, 2016 8:52 AM

I started a new job working from home 4 months ago. I'm also single and relatively new to the city I live in, without much of a social circle or local support network, and am finding the social isolation to be a bit much. What are some things I can do to cope/feel better?

I moved here in April 2015 and started this job in September 2015. I've always been fine being on my own, but without many friends or a local support network, I'm finding working from home to be making me pretty lonely. I also live alone, which is probably not helping.

I do tend to find that I feel a lot better on weekends.

My best friend moved here in October and we're in discussions about possibly sharing an apartment (we've lived together before) which would help. I haven't managed to make many friends here yet (2, one of which tends to flake out on plans and I've mostly given up on.)

Things I've tried:

1) Volunteering (mixed results), but always open to ideas of other places to volunteer.
2) Making sure to leave the house after I log off, to run an errand, to go volunteer, to go read in a coffee shop, or just for a walk. This seems to help.

That's really it. Also any suggestions for other social things to do, or ways to make friends (I'm 35 and gay.) I've tried Meetup groups, but haven't had much success. And I have a dog who doesn't like going on walks.

posted by Automocar to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Not clear from your question whether you want things to help you cope, or whether you specifically only want solutions for making friends. But if you want a stopgap coping solution while you're working on the longer-term stuff of settling in and getting a social circle built: Podcasts! They are the work-from-home-person's friend.

Ideally something that you find pleasant but not super super super interesting, so that you can have it on in the background but not get distracted from your work.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:03 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I was in a similar situation, I found it helped to go somewhere in the morning before work, like the gym to.drop off a kid. Something about having a morning commute helped it feel like I was going to a job, because I saw other people. Also, doing my job in a section of the house reserved for work made it feel more like an office.
posted by 4ster at 9:03 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd check out co-working spaces. Some have affordable options if budget is a big concern. They give you a second place you can go and do your "work from home" that also has a small social function. Nearly everyone I know who works from home long term has adopted some variation on this. It may be a coffee shop, but personally I like the notion of the more clear-cut "money for space and access" transaction.
posted by meinvt at 9:04 AM on January 14, 2016 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I think you need something with regular weekly meetings/rehearsals/practices. Like club sports, or a choir, or a service organization. Meetups can be OK, but a group where you're actually working on something and people will miss you when you're not there feels different. Sounds like the volunteering is a regular gig, which is good, but more might be even better.

On Blast Hardcheese's suggestion of "pretending like you're around people" another think I liked to do when I worked second shift (isolating in a different way) was watch (in the background) DVDs with commentary or Mystery Science Theater 3000.
posted by mskyle at 9:06 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I also work at home in a city I moved to without social support apart from my wonderful spouse. It's really hard. Some things that have helped me:

1. I leave the house every morning and walk 20 minutes to a coffee shop where the people are really friendly, so I at least talk to someone *before* starting work alone.
2. I used to hate calls, but do skype or join in webinars, teleconferences etc whenever relevant and feasible now for a bit of interaction.
3. Accepting that I have many friends, all over the world, they just happen to not live where I live. And while that's really tough when you just want to kick back with a pal in a hard week, they are still there.
4. My organisation negotiated for me to work from an office where I know some of the people one day a week. I don't really talk that much to anyone when I'm there, but it still helps to be able to say hi and be amongst other humans some of the time. (I never found co-working to be a realistic cost in my city)
5. Log off when the work day is done.
6. Attend workshops, conferences, lectures. You may or may not meet people there but it's all interesting.
posted by wingless_angel at 9:08 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Seconding coworking...ask your employer if they can pay for it. Going to the same place every day, you'll naturally start to make friends with other people working there, or you'll at least have acquaintances around so you feel less isolated.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:35 AM on January 14, 2016

Check Meetup or whatever for a local entrepreneurs / start up type pf group. Many of them will be working from home and getting in those groups will open up many opportunities to get out for lunch or whatever to break up the day.
posted by COD at 9:45 AM on January 14, 2016

I came in to suggest a coworking space as well. Mine is a weird uptight "We do not talk to each other" kind of place and it STILL makes me feel much better than being home alone all day. Just the routine of working out of the house, and physically being around other people, has helped a lot.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:08 AM on January 14, 2016

(Also, I personally find the coworking space to be much more pleasant than working in a cafe. I don't have to buy Guilt Coffee every hour or two, I don't have to worry about whether or not I need to bring my laptop with me when I use the bathroom, there are never any loud toddlers, I always have a power outlet and a comfortable chair, etc.)
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:09 AM on January 14, 2016

I've worked at home a lot, including a year-long stint where I was living outside my native country with only moderate confidence in the local language all-by-my-lonesome.

I naturally don't really need much in the way of social support, so I primarily focused on things *I* wanted to do, like go mountain biking or go to movies. When I was *really* killing for some social interaction, Meetup was my go-to. I became a semi-regular with one group. And like the saying goes, 99% of life is showing up, so people go to know me just based on that, which was a good level of interaction.

When I was working at home in the US, I did martial arts classes and joined a basketball group, again, just showing up.

So...to summarize...find something interesting, and just keep showing up!
posted by chiefthe at 10:29 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Is there a coworking space near you? Both of the coworking spaces I'm famililar with started after I went back to full-time employment, but I've still found some great connections, conversations and friendships through just hanging around them. Even staying home from work a day a week and going to one of those can help.

Different spaces have different vibes, but coworking denizens tend to have exactly the same problem you do, and often a well-run space will have a coffee social hour or mixers or similar to try to get people conversing.
posted by straw at 10:36 AM on January 14, 2016

Response by poster: Not to thread sit, but just want to say, since a lot of people are recommending it: coworking spaces aren't an option, primarily because my employer won't pay for it and I don't want to pay for it myself.
posted by Automocar at 11:06 AM on January 14, 2016

Best answer: 2nd mskyle and chiefthe - get involved in some routine commitment that's essentially social, like joining a rec league. Or if you're more into creative stuff, a choir, improv. Checking out music is another one, even on your own - if you're chatty, and the event/space/night lend themselves, or if you go to the same night fairly often, you might find yourself talking to other regulars. It's not weird to grab a beer and hang by the bar on your own, no one cares. Or for volunteering, you could get involved in neighbourhood events and initiatives. Supporting events you care about (and maybe working with people roughly in your age group, who share your interests) might lead to more opportunities to get to know people you'd probably want to hang out with than direct service type of work (e.g. friending at hospitals).

Also - new acquaintanceships are fragile and need tending to. I think it's important to make use of momentum. If you're invited to things, make an effort to go, even if you're tired or have other obligations, because people stop inviting you if you say no too many times. (I have screwed this up because I've often been tired and initially lived too far away from where things were happening.) Invite people to do specific things, too - not "we should hang out sometime", but "there's a talk by X happening next Wednesday, would you be interested?"

Not everyone can live alone, I agree. (I do, but am reconsidering it for a few reasons.) Hopefully, you and your friend can sort that out.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:41 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It takes a few years to find good friends in a new city. It'll happen, be patient.

Keep a regular (or at least semi-regular) schedule, particularly with leaving the house. (Do it every day!) You'll see familiar people every time you go out, which helps a lot with isolation, even if you don't become more than casual acquaintances. I don't keep the same schedule every day, but I'm on a roughly 7-day schedule. Monday is gym, farmer's market and Coffee Shop #1 which can use extra business on Monday and doesn't care if I work there for several hours. Tuesday I go for a long walk and see the people at the mailbox place, Coffee Shop #2 and lunch at the ramen place who know my order by heart. (etc, etc.) This will give you things to look forward to every day, and familiar faces to talk to.

Don't be in a hurry when you're outside. Take your time. Literally smell the roses. Talk with people. Chill.

Meetups and clubs focused on your interested can help. (Or cultivate some new interests!) My local astronomy club has turned out to be a welcome distraction that I look forward to, even though it's just once a month. I'm not at all a gym person, but yeah, the gym. (Maybe not this month. Wait for the new year's resolutions to wear off.) Volunteering at the library was good for me. It's a slow pace and people are often glad to talk. Good diverse group who know what's going on.

Unless you're required to be at your desk/on call during business hours you have a lot of freedom to do things when others can't (or when it would unpleasantly busy). Festivals, day trips, exhibitions, etc. Last week I drove just a half hour out of town to a park I'd never been, and it totally rejuvenated me. Beautiful scenery and talked to visitors from out of town who were a lot of fun.
posted by Ookseer at 12:42 PM on January 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

Can you possibly take your work to a coffee shop? I work from home and can't STAND actually working at home. So I am at a coffee shop all the time. I've met and talked with people at the shops - there are often many people doing the exact same thing.

The other thing I'd suggest is a club or meetup. That's how I met most of my friends when I moved to a new city: I joined a club for my particular sport/hobby.
posted by christiehawk at 5:52 PM on January 16, 2016