How to find a husband in the San Francisco Bay Area

January 13, 2016 6:15 AM

I'm a woman in San Francisco. Where should I go and what should I do do to find a man who wants marriage and a child in the near future, say 1 - 3 years? Specific examples of worked for you and for the people you know as well as concrete advice would be great. Thanks!

Goal: I'd love a partner who *really* wants this, not just someone who will settle for marriage and a child because it is what I want.

Request: Please give me concrete suggestions. I'm down to try all kinds of things like meet ups, sports, classes, dating apps, hanging out at places, anything else? Maybe the problem is that SF is an expensive playground? I would even move: where should I go?

About me: I'm a mid 30s lawyer. My hair is an unnatural color and I live in a warehouse collective. I'm fairly fit and into the local stuff: rock climbing, yoga, brunch, burning man, dancing, and nerding out on various self taught interests. Oh, and I love kids and taking care of people.

What I've tried: Meeting through friends--my social circle is mostly alternative burner types and dancers, many polyamorous and younger than I am. And they say to slowly let a relationship build, yet I'm in my nth year in yet another (otherwise great) relationship with a wonderful man who does not want what I want, sigh...

Thanks in advance for the help!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Many of the serious couples I know in SF met on the classic dating sites - match or eharmony. Several others met though various sports leagues (mostly but not exclusively Ultimate). I'd give both dating sites and getting involved in (new) coed activities that interest you a shot.
posted by brainmouse at 6:20 AM on January 13, 2016

Definitely dating sites. I'll add okCupid to the list above. I met so many guys on there who are looking for what you want. Is there a reason you haven't tried them?
posted by pintapicasso at 6:21 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

Even though tinder seems to be for hookups my girlfriends in large cities who are of a similar age and lifestyle to you say that that is where a lot of the guys are now too.
posted by k8t at 6:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

And they say to slowly let a relationship build, yet I'm in my nth year in yet another (otherwise great) relationship with a wonderful man who does not want what I want, sigh...

I can only speak from my experience, but if you are currently in an active relationship it may be a lot harder to find and start the kind of marriage-focused relationship you say you are looking for.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:43 AM on January 13, 2016 [23 favorites]

To get down to brass tacks, I always recommend MeetUp to my clients. I think that this would allow you to stretch your interest boundaries to get outside the Burners and Polys. No matter what you're into, there are other folks into it and would like to hang out with you. There are even singles and dating groups.

I must add that this piqued my interest:

yet I'm in my nth year in yet another (otherwise great) relationship with a wonderful man who does not want what I want, sigh...

Whot?
Don't you think it would be kind and prudent to perhaps end this current relationship before heading out and finding another one?
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:49 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]

Given that the OP hangs with poly people, maybe her SO is more of a secondary relationship since they know they won't be primaries for life. But....yeah, that may be a factor here.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:52 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

OkCupid, and you should say directly in the profile that you're hoping to be married with a kid in the next 1-3 years. It is very unlikely that you will meet someone single just out and about-- I don't know anyone in SF who met through anything other than work, school, or online dating.

And you need to be single to date, if you're looking to get married. So maybe take care of that first.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:18 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]

I can only speak from my experience, but if you are currently in an active relationship it may be a lot harder to find and start the kind of marriage-focused relationship you say you are looking for.

That was perhaps a bit abbreviated. Honestly, you sound fantastic and like exactly the kind of person I would be looking to date if I was single. But for me, and a lot of people like myself who are happiest in long-term, no-drama relationships, "'m in [a] relationship" shifts that person absolutely into the category of platonic friend rather than potential love interest regardless of how happy and how settled that relationship actually is.

In our case, we met through mutual friends, but if either of us had been seeing someone those friends wouldn't have introduced us. Is this happening to you? I mean, even if all your friends are poly, some of them are going to have friends and cousins who aren't -- are they going to make that connection if you are in some kind of low-key, maybe on-again, off-again relationship?
posted by Dip Flash at 7:44 AM on January 13, 2016

Mod note: Folks, let's take it as read that asker is aware of their own relationship status and go from there.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:46 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

Consider moving into a more traditional housing situation. You want to be giving off vibes that you're stable and have a life compatible with raising a family, being surrounded by younger poly burners doesn't support that (in the view of most folks). Think about the lifestyle you want after you have a kid, move toward that.
posted by momus_window at 8:09 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]

I will agree with the dating sites advice. Although this was a few years ago (as now we've all coupled up and moved away), I'd say around 50% of the serious relationships I knew among folks when I was in my mid/late-20s and living in the Bay Area met on OkCupid.

You'll have to decide what your dealbreakers are, but I think most guys who are looking for marriage and kids in short order are likely looking for something monogamous. If that's just definitely not you, obviously don't lie about it! But if that's a compromise you can make, I think you may have more luck attracting this sort of guy.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:11 AM on January 13, 2016

I think when you're already in a relationship you give off a different vibe and have a different mindset. Perhaps if you ended with the nth year guy, he might either make the decision to make the moves you want, or you'd be re-energized to find someone who wants what you want.
posted by clone boulevard at 8:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

3 Things to Watch Out For When You're Trying to Pick the Right Life Partner
posted by TauLepton at 8:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

Okay, this IS possible! Dating in SF right now is weird, particularly among the groups you're hanging out with. But don't give up hope - I know lots of single guys in SF who fit your demographic (professional, active in biking/hiking/climbing, interested in BM but not quite in the BM "scene") who are not interested in playing at Peter Pan and want to settle down. I met my now-husband (rock climber, Burner, does Ashtanga yoga weekly, professional in data analytics, early 30s) almost exactly two years ago on Okcupid, and, well, we're now married and very happily expecting our first kid.

I'd really, really recommend dating sites/apps - all of the nice & awesome single guys I know are on them, and get most of their dates through the apps. Okcupid, coffee meets bagel, hinge, and bumble seem to be the most popular for 30somethings interested in actual relationships, with okcupid and bumble being the absolute favorites.

When you get onto these sites make it semi-explicit what you're looking for. In my case, I have two big dogs, have a professional career, and was divorced - all of those things were mentioned somewhere on my profile, as an intentional filter for dudes who would find that "too serious". I don't think I'd explicitly say "I want to get married and have a kid in 2.5 years", but you can say you enjoy having a ton of fun, but you also are looking forward to finding a good, serious relationship with someone. And show the fun burner and wild dance night photos, if that's part of who you are, but also show the chilling on the couch with friends or having a nice hike in Marin photos. You'll almost certainly get a lot of attention on these sites because you sound like what a lot of guys in SF are looking for, so don't be afraid to show what you want and scare off some of the guys who wouldn't end up being a good fit anyway.

One other thing - I think a lot of 30something professional guys in SF are interested in but slightly wary of burning man - it definitely projects an image of younger, poly, more alternative, weird artsy, and less settled, even though I think that's an unfair stereotype. If you're looking for a guy who is interested in settling down, I'd suggest not making it the sole focus of your profile - definitely include it, though.

If you'd like to see my okcupid profile for an example, since we sound pretty similar, feel free to message me. I now use it for meeting friends - which gym do you climb at, btw? ;)
posted by Jaclyn at 9:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

Nthing the tried-and-true dating sites. It's a great way to be honest and put what you're looking for right out in the open without having to suffer through those awkward guessing game conversations during the getting to know you phase.And, hopefully, you can see the same kind of information about your potential dates if they've been honest, too.

There's also something to what momus_window said about your living situation. Now, I'm not going so far as to say that nobody would believe you were serious about marriage while living in a warehouse collective. But it's something you should be immediately prepared to talk about: "Hey, this is why this situation would not be an impediment to marriage within the next couple of years: ..."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:06 AM on January 13, 2016

I met my boyfriend on okcupid and I agree with everyone above. I have never been so compatible with someone. We have been together for 2.5 years and we're on our way to buying a house together and living happily ever after. OKC gave me the opportunity to look for the exact type of person I wanted and I loved reading peoples answers to ensure they weren't a bigot. He and I were a 99% match and it's true.
I really really encourage you to try it because I have never been so happy.
posted by shesbenevolent at 11:27 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

Look for men between the ages of 41-44 who have been focusing on a career but who have realized their clock is ticking and they want children and to be able to be active with them and it's time to settle down.... Then apply all your other good judgement and common sense. But take it from me, you are like gold dust to a guy in that position and you'll know very fast if he will commit and start a family!
posted by flink at 11:42 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

yet I'm in my nth year in yet another (otherwise great) relationship with a wonderful man who does not want what I want, sigh...

I would suggest dropping the current beau first. It will be easier to put yourself out there without a net. It will also make sure that you have the largest pool of husband-material men to pick from because many folks who want to have kids want to have a monogamous relationship.

If having this current relationship is more important, you should try and get a husband who is willing to let you have a BF as well. But it will reduce the pool of potential mates for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:45 AM on January 13, 2016

My suggestions, after watching a handful of friends go through this process in recent years.

1--Separate your desire for a child from your desire for a partner who impregnates you (and also explore/define what you mean when you say you want a child in the near future).
One friend went through the donor process and got pregnant, and started dating about a year after her baby was born. She's said it was easier to talk to men with baby than with prospect of baby soon. She's dating (but not married to) a guy she met when her baby was about a year old. Another example: I had no desire for children, but when I met my partner he had 3 kids from a previous marriage = I've been a stepdad for the last decade. Are you open to step-kds, adopted kids, etc.?

2--Put your desire for a husband and child front and center in any profiles you're using to date.
This is not the sort of thing that goes down well when it comes up after a date or two. Unless, of course, it's out there from the beginning, as a premise: you're been given a test run for fitness as husband and father. Another friend just started being really up front about this and she was married within like two years. They don't have a kid yet, but they're trying.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:53 AM on January 13, 2016

And they say to slowly let a relationship build, yet I'm in my nth year in yet another (otherwise great) relationship with a wonderful man who does not want what I want

You are not applying this advice within the context of the correct screening process. You need to narrow the pool to ONLY men who are looking for marriage and children; THEN you date within that pool and let what you find with individual people build slowly.

Be 100% up-front in your profiles and early dating interactions about what you are looking for. Move on from anyone not on the same page. Prune early and often.

And without a doubt, expand your upper age limit if you can to include men who are on their second go-round or who never married in the first place.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:31 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't know if this is a terrible generalization -- or maybe just doesn't hold true in SF -- but one thing I've noticed as I've adulted my way through warehouse collectives and tattoos and wacky haircolors (in NY and LA but not SF) is that there seems to be a higher proportion of people in these circles who are really not into the marriage and kids thing. I'd guess about 20-30% of my friends from alt type scenes (arts, politics, etc) are childfree by choice, for example, which seems out of proportion with the general public.

So you might have better luck searching in "squarer" circles, among people who don't live in warehouse collectives and have wacky haircolors. Pay for a match.com profile rather than using Tinder or OKCupid. Join a group or take a class that is as likely to attract normals as it is alt-types. I don't think you should settle or try to force a connection with someone who has nothing in common with you, but going a bit outside the most bohemian sceney circles might result in a bigger pool of people who are open to ever settling down. And from that wider pool of people who are looking to settle down, you can find the one who is into warehouses and burning man. Rather than starting with the general population of warehouse/burning man types and looking for one that is into marriage and kids.
posted by Sara C. at 2:22 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've known poly people who did settle down and have families, so I don't quite think that hanging around with those folks rules her out--on the other hand, I do think she may need to spend time in different social circles in order to meet new people.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:35 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

San Francisco has quite the Sketchfest going on right this minute, and as someone who went to it last year, there's a lot more men there than there are women. I don't know if comedy festivals are your cup of tea or not, but might be worth going to a show or two :)
posted by getawaysticks at 6:27 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

One of my best friends, who's poly, lives in SF, and didn't want kids, had a decade-long stretch of dating poly dudes who were otherwise perfect for her but they eventually had terribly sad breakups because the guys wanted kids. (You would think the relationship could keep going, but most of the time people can't deal with transitioning from being primary to not-primary partners, and generally men seem to want to raise kids with their primary, for logistical and emotional reasons. Also you would think people who can negotiate complicated stuff like poly would talk about basic stuff like kids-or-not before they got in so deep, but apparently that is not how falling in love works.)

All of which is to say, in SF, you don't have to look only at monogamous conventional men to find someone interested in starting a family.
posted by gingerest at 6:51 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yes, I think breaking up with your BF so that you are 100% available, and then just internet dating as much as you can stand while making it totally clear what you are looking for. As in, first date: "Yes, I broke up with my last BF because although we had a lot of fun together, I'm really looking for someone who is ready to settle down and even start thinking about a family within a few years." A certain kind of guy is going to run the other direction, and *that's exactly what you want.*

There are guys out there who are *also* ready to settle down, and they will see that in you. As long as you aren't inappropriately trying to force someone into that role who doesn't want it, I think it's A-OK to be super clear about your goals for the relationship.

I think by their mid-30s most people understand that building a relationship can be a little more clear-eyed than sparkle-dusted fairytales would have you believe.
posted by tk at 7:05 AM on January 14, 2016

I would suggest a paid dating site. I know of two marriages around here that happened through one of them. There's something about paying the money that seems to make it more serious, and you don't get the same flakiness as the free or semi-free sites.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:20 AM on January 14, 2016

I love OkCupid. It's actually what got me into the burner scene. I met my ex-husband on there (we grew apart but the initial spark was great) and my current partner (along with a whole ton of friends). Lay your cards on the table (er, profile) and see what happens.
posted by nursegracer at 10:59 PM on January 18, 2016