Can I have a healthy relationship with a "passive agressive" partner?
January 13, 2016 4:04 AM Subscribe
(Not sure the PA diagnosis is accurate.) She has broken up with me three times over the course of last month over ridiculously trivial affairs (details below), just to make up again soon afterwards. I have developed feelings for her and enjoy spending time together (when she is not in her jerk mode, that is). Any experience dealing successfully with a partner who displays abrupt mood changes?
I know the shortest and simplest answer to my problem would be to walk away from this one and maybe later seek a less drama-filled relationship. But the truth is that I hope there is a way to improve this situation without terminating with her.
We have been dating for 4 months now, and around 6 weeks ago, we decided to go steady. She has repeatedly expressed her desire to travel to my hometown to meet my family and go on holidays with me, among other shared plans.
To be honest, I admit there has been a power imbalance in the relationship almost from the beginning. For example, she has often cancelled on dates with me at the last minute without explanation, whereas I have never refused an offer by her to do something together. She has also been the one to decide the nature of the relationship (first, just friends with benefits, now, supposedly boyfriend and girlfriend). She has even had ocassional fits of anger with me, including harsh unfounded accusions and, a few times, name-calling. I have put up with it, telling (fooling?) myself that she might just be having a bad day.
Over the last month (and curiously, this tends to happen on Tuesday evenings), she has broken up with me via text (we live in different towns) over the following reasons:
1) Week 1: In the midst of a text chat, I told her that I was dirty after doing some gardening. She demanded a photo of me dirty, I told her I'd rather not send her that at the moment. She replied with a rant of angry messages accusing me of never caring about what she wanted and said it would consequently be best for both of us to find somebody else.
2) Week 2: After apologising for the incident and making up, one week later she said she would like me to grow a beard. I said I didn't mind, but that I would shave it in around two months when I'll be starting a job in which I'd rather not wear it. She said she would dump me if I shaved it. I asked her if she meant that. She said she did. I told her I didn't appreciate threats or blackmailing. She snapped and very angrily accused me of having a low opinion of her, breaking up with me for the 2nd time.
3) Week 3: Yesterday she said she would be visiting town with her parents, and that we could spend some time just the two of us together. I teased her telling her it would be a perfect chance for me to meet her family (I knew she didn't like the idea and just said it humorously). She started describing in a rather derogative manner the reasons why she would never introduce her parents to "any random guy she happens to be seeing" (that would be me), that she respected her family and would not expose them to that. This came as a bit of a surprise, since she repeatedly expressed her interest in meeting my family, and said she would like to have a serious relationship with me. She laughed at me saying I was too sentimental and that she couldn't believe she had hurt my feelings. I told her I just felt some of her latest remarks about me were slightly demeaning, but that I would prefer to discuss that personally (most of our communication is via text or phone). She demanded I tell her what had bothered me about her, I insisted I preferred to discuss that face to face the following day when we were scheduled to meet. She said she had changed her mind and preferred not to see me. Actually, she said, she didn't think we were a good match anyway. The previous afternoon she had said she saw me as a solid and caring person she would like to have a long-term relationship with, and had been questioning me about whether I would consider having a child with her in a few months.
If you are still reading, I guess you get the picture. I think this is beyond the expectable dose of hot-and-cold behavior in dating. The bottom line is, I care for her, would rather not lose her, but I realize this is not a healthy pattern for a relationship. I do want a relationship based on mutual respect, and unfortunately, that is not what I am getting here. Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics? If so, any specific actions to take in that direction?
Many thanks for your non-judgmental yet straightforward and honest insights.
I know the shortest and simplest answer to my problem would be to walk away from this one and maybe later seek a less drama-filled relationship. But the truth is that I hope there is a way to improve this situation without terminating with her.
We have been dating for 4 months now, and around 6 weeks ago, we decided to go steady. She has repeatedly expressed her desire to travel to my hometown to meet my family and go on holidays with me, among other shared plans.
To be honest, I admit there has been a power imbalance in the relationship almost from the beginning. For example, she has often cancelled on dates with me at the last minute without explanation, whereas I have never refused an offer by her to do something together. She has also been the one to decide the nature of the relationship (first, just friends with benefits, now, supposedly boyfriend and girlfriend). She has even had ocassional fits of anger with me, including harsh unfounded accusions and, a few times, name-calling. I have put up with it, telling (fooling?) myself that she might just be having a bad day.
Over the last month (and curiously, this tends to happen on Tuesday evenings), she has broken up with me via text (we live in different towns) over the following reasons:
1) Week 1: In the midst of a text chat, I told her that I was dirty after doing some gardening. She demanded a photo of me dirty, I told her I'd rather not send her that at the moment. She replied with a rant of angry messages accusing me of never caring about what she wanted and said it would consequently be best for both of us to find somebody else.
2) Week 2: After apologising for the incident and making up, one week later she said she would like me to grow a beard. I said I didn't mind, but that I would shave it in around two months when I'll be starting a job in which I'd rather not wear it. She said she would dump me if I shaved it. I asked her if she meant that. She said she did. I told her I didn't appreciate threats or blackmailing. She snapped and very angrily accused me of having a low opinion of her, breaking up with me for the 2nd time.
3) Week 3: Yesterday she said she would be visiting town with her parents, and that we could spend some time just the two of us together. I teased her telling her it would be a perfect chance for me to meet her family (I knew she didn't like the idea and just said it humorously). She started describing in a rather derogative manner the reasons why she would never introduce her parents to "any random guy she happens to be seeing" (that would be me), that she respected her family and would not expose them to that. This came as a bit of a surprise, since she repeatedly expressed her interest in meeting my family, and said she would like to have a serious relationship with me. She laughed at me saying I was too sentimental and that she couldn't believe she had hurt my feelings. I told her I just felt some of her latest remarks about me were slightly demeaning, but that I would prefer to discuss that personally (most of our communication is via text or phone). She demanded I tell her what had bothered me about her, I insisted I preferred to discuss that face to face the following day when we were scheduled to meet. She said she had changed her mind and preferred not to see me. Actually, she said, she didn't think we were a good match anyway. The previous afternoon she had said she saw me as a solid and caring person she would like to have a long-term relationship with, and had been questioning me about whether I would consider having a child with her in a few months.
If you are still reading, I guess you get the picture. I think this is beyond the expectable dose of hot-and-cold behavior in dating. The bottom line is, I care for her, would rather not lose her, but I realize this is not a healthy pattern for a relationship. I do want a relationship based on mutual respect, and unfortunately, that is not what I am getting here. Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics? If so, any specific actions to take in that direction?
Many thanks for your non-judgmental yet straightforward and honest insights.
My best friend and I have a saying: Ii's not ok to act crazy (INOK2AC). This woman acts crazy. That's not ok.
posted by norm at 4:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by norm at 4:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics?
No. This sort of stuff only gets worse. She might grow up one day but it won't be soon and it won't be because of anything you do.
posted by mewsic at 4:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
No. This sort of stuff only gets worse. She might grow up one day but it won't be soon and it won't be because of anything you do.
posted by mewsic at 4:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
This isn't just "beyond hit and cold", this is cruel behaviour. This is abusive. If, when the two of you are apart, she gets massive amounts of therapy, then maybe this could move towards a healthy relationship. Or, if she is currently 16, and grows up out of her teenaged brain over the next few years, but as it stands, no, this won't get better.
posted by kellyblah at 4:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [36 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 4:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [36 favorites]
Can you imagine a lifetime of this?
posted by rudd135 at 4:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by rudd135 at 4:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [18 favorites]
This relationship is TOO. MUCH. DRAMA. It's never going to get healthy. Delete her from your phone contacts and move on.
posted by nerdfish at 4:18 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nerdfish at 4:18 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
You have a fine opportunity to do what I've talked myself out of in the past, to my almost perpetual regret: run.
posted by chrillsicka at 4:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by chrillsicka at 4:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
What do you get out of this relationship? DTMFA.
posted by crocomancer at 4:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by crocomancer at 4:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
To recap, after a few months of dating, she has broken up with you over:
1) not sending a photo of yourself dirty gardening,
2) not agreeing to grow a beard for her and not shave it,
3) you expressing that she hurt your feelings.
This isn't just a mood issue; this is her attempting to control you and not taking responsibility for her own behavior. You know the answer to this one. Trust your gut.
posted by thetortoise at 4:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [55 favorites]
1) not sending a photo of yourself dirty gardening,
2) not agreeing to grow a beard for her and not shave it,
3) you expressing that she hurt your feelings.
This isn't just a mood issue; this is her attempting to control you and not taking responsibility for her own behavior. You know the answer to this one. Trust your gut.
posted by thetortoise at 4:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [55 favorites]
Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics?
Nope.
If you do want to stay with her, you have two choices: be really, really firm with your boundaries and asserting your right to be treated with a basic level of respect, or tiptoeing around her moods and appeasing her. You will probably do the latter since the former will result in her constantly getting mad and abusing you.
The third option is to find someone who treats you with a basic level of respect.
By the way, she doesn't sound passive aggressive. Passive aggressiveness is annoying but fairly common and within the range of normal behavior. This is wayyyyy outside that range.
posted by lunasol at 4:21 AM on January 13, 2016 [15 favorites]
Nope.
If you do want to stay with her, you have two choices: be really, really firm with your boundaries and asserting your right to be treated with a basic level of respect, or tiptoeing around her moods and appeasing her. You will probably do the latter since the former will result in her constantly getting mad and abusing you.
The third option is to find someone who treats you with a basic level of respect.
By the way, she doesn't sound passive aggressive. Passive aggressiveness is annoying but fairly common and within the range of normal behavior. This is wayyyyy outside that range.
posted by lunasol at 4:21 AM on January 13, 2016 [15 favorites]
She's trouble. Her behaviour is not okay and I highly doubt it will get better. Walk away before she can fuck with your head more than she already has.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
It seems from previous questions that this is your first relationship. I'm here to tell you that you deserve much much better than this. I agree that this is abusive and cruel behavior. Please DO NOT have a child with this woman in the next few months (!!!). I actually yelled nooooo at the computer screen when I got to that part of your question. Run.
posted by dysh at 4:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [36 favorites]
posted by dysh at 4:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [36 favorites]
Speaking from personal experience: I wasted many years of my life on a person with the same sort of behaviour patterns (demanding, accusing me of not caring about her, I was not good enough for her parents to know me for the ten years we were together). Like you, I used the same thinking -- "she's OK when she's not like this, I care about her a lot, I am sure if I care about her enough she'll see I'm different"
Long story short, I regret the time, effort and headspace this cost me. If you cannot interact with someone normally on a day-to-day basis it just gets bad; and it gets bad fast.
posted by gadha at 4:25 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Long story short, I regret the time, effort and headspace this cost me. If you cannot interact with someone normally on a day-to-day basis it just gets bad; and it gets bad fast.
posted by gadha at 4:25 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Been there, done that. She is a sociopathic child and you are her current plaything. She probably has others. She will string you along and play with your emotions until she breaks you, and then she will get bored with you for awhile, until you become healthy again, at which time she will start playing again. I've tried dating more than one man who has done this. It's hard to resist- they show you what you want to see and then take it away quickly, giving you the feeling that if you just worked a little harder, did a little better, your life together would be ideal. It never will be, btw. You can't be loved by someone who doesn't have a heart.
posted by myselfasme at 4:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 4:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
You both sound young, maybe early 20's, and she sounds immature.
You deserve better, and you will find it.
Run, don't walk away.
Again, repeat after me: You Deserve Better.
Hold yourself, and others, to this standard now, and you will be much happier in the future.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 4:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
You deserve better, and you will find it.
Run, don't walk away.
Again, repeat after me: You Deserve Better.
Hold yourself, and others, to this standard now, and you will be much happier in the future.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 4:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Good lord above, get out of this now.
She's demanding you change your appearance to suit her whim? NO. She's demanding to meet your parents/family all while refusing to introduce you ("a random guy", wtf?!?) to her own family? NO. She insults you and demeans you and belittles your feelings? Oh HELL NO.
I don't know what her problem is, if she's nuts or just an old-fashioned mean bitch, but DTMFA now: she sounds like an abuser, and over time abusers always get worse because they've conditioned their victims (that's you, in this case) to accept being treated like crap.
She keeps breaking up with you? Fine: next time --- and there will be a next time, probably just days from now --- believe her, and block her on fb, texts and phone calls, everything. Look, you've only been dating four months: that's still the 'honeymoon' period, when people are on their best behavior. So if this is her best behavior, think about how much worse she'll treat you in a year. Please get out now!
posted by easily confused at 4:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
She's demanding you change your appearance to suit her whim? NO. She's demanding to meet your parents/family all while refusing to introduce you ("a random guy", wtf?!?) to her own family? NO. She insults you and demeans you and belittles your feelings? Oh HELL NO.
I don't know what her problem is, if she's nuts or just an old-fashioned mean bitch, but DTMFA now: she sounds like an abuser, and over time abusers always get worse because they've conditioned their victims (that's you, in this case) to accept being treated like crap.
She keeps breaking up with you? Fine: next time --- and there will be a next time, probably just days from now --- believe her, and block her on fb, texts and phone calls, everything. Look, you've only been dating four months: that's still the 'honeymoon' period, when people are on their best behavior. So if this is her best behavior, think about how much worse she'll treat you in a year. Please get out now!
posted by easily confused at 4:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
Without trying to diagnose her behaviour, you guys just don't sound compatible. Your communication styles are off, you want different things from the relationship at any given time, and she sounds plain mean to you.
It's possible to care for someone, but at the same time care for yourself more to realise you deserve better.
posted by like_neon at 4:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's possible to care for someone, but at the same time care for yourself more to realise you deserve better.
posted by like_neon at 4:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Another vote to walk away. From your description, I can see no evidence of passive aggression - nor of mood changes. Rather she simply has unrealistic expectations in terms of being able to control you. You say that you enjoy being with her - but my prediction for the number of times you enjoy being together to fall as she tries to exert tighter control or becomes more frustrated by her failures to do so.
(and check out 21 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship - your description cites at least 9).
posted by rongorongo at 4:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
(and check out 21 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship - your description cites at least 9).
posted by rongorongo at 4:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
She sounds insecure and emotionally immature. She sounds like she enjoys being having the power in the relationship and the ability to control you and manipulate you. She might not even realise that she's doing it, if you want to be generous. I used to be that person when I was 17 years old and thought that "equality" meant "power."
She might grow up someday and gain some perspective and stop her destructive and abusive behaviours, but she can't do that while she's still with you. Only time, growth, and a lot of examples of healthier relationships and communication styles will help her.
I'm sorry you can't be that person. You should walk away and find somebody better and more mature. You can find those awesome moments with someone who is less destructive.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 4:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
She might grow up someday and gain some perspective and stop her destructive and abusive behaviours, but she can't do that while she's still with you. Only time, growth, and a lot of examples of healthier relationships and communication styles will help her.
I'm sorry you can't be that person. You should walk away and find somebody better and more mature. You can find those awesome moments with someone who is less destructive.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 4:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you are still reading, I guess you get the picture.
I do, not sure you do. Why on earth are you still considering a relationship with this person?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
I do, not sure you do. Why on earth are you still considering a relationship with this person?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Additional thought: if you're having sex with her, be 100% careful not to risk a pregnancy --- don't trust her if she claims to be taking any form of birth control, and even be careful with condoms (they are good, but never perfect). You do not want to have the next twenty years of your life chained to this nutjob.
posted by easily confused at 4:32 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
posted by easily confused at 4:32 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
I agree that this sounds like a bad deal and you'd bet better off leaving her alone.
That said, and I apologize for the slight thread jack, I want to gently point out that what you're talking about isn't "passive aggressive". I'm in the middle of divorcing someone who exhibits this characteristic, it's not funny or lighthearted, and I think the casual misuse of that phrase made it a whole lot harder for me and for him to really get a bead on what the hell was up with his behavior.
Passive aggressive people don't get angry and have outbursts like your ladyfriend. They get angry but don't dare let you know it externally, because they cannot handle confrontation, so they pretend that everything is OK. They do not level harsh unfounded accusations...out loud. They certainly can and do judge you in harsh, unfounded ways, but they keep it inside and act like they like you, because they think that actually saying something out loud is would make *them* a "bad guy". The anger and resentment and shit seeps out sideways (sex life gone to shit, broken agreements, "forgetting" followed by apologies they don't mean) and they deny, deny, deny that anything is wrong or that what they did was problematic when you confront them about it directly.
It's hurtful and maddening, as the situation you're in is hurtful and maddening, but the behavior patterns are totally different.
So, this woman sounds like a whole lot of trouble--but passive aggressive she is not. Hope this public service announcement is taken as helpful.
posted by Sublimity at 4:34 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
That said, and I apologize for the slight thread jack, I want to gently point out that what you're talking about isn't "passive aggressive". I'm in the middle of divorcing someone who exhibits this characteristic, it's not funny or lighthearted, and I think the casual misuse of that phrase made it a whole lot harder for me and for him to really get a bead on what the hell was up with his behavior.
Passive aggressive people don't get angry and have outbursts like your ladyfriend. They get angry but don't dare let you know it externally, because they cannot handle confrontation, so they pretend that everything is OK. They do not level harsh unfounded accusations...out loud. They certainly can and do judge you in harsh, unfounded ways, but they keep it inside and act like they like you, because they think that actually saying something out loud is would make *them* a "bad guy". The anger and resentment and shit seeps out sideways (sex life gone to shit, broken agreements, "forgetting" followed by apologies they don't mean) and they deny, deny, deny that anything is wrong or that what they did was problematic when you confront them about it directly.
It's hurtful and maddening, as the situation you're in is hurtful and maddening, but the behavior patterns are totally different.
So, this woman sounds like a whole lot of trouble--but passive aggressive she is not. Hope this public service announcement is taken as helpful.
posted by Sublimity at 4:34 AM on January 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
This isn't passive aggressive, it's emotional abuse. This hot-cold thing is designed to wear you down. Clearly you have some kind of desire for togetherness which is threatening to drown out your self-preservation instinct. She is sensing this and seeing an opportunity. Every time you assert a boundary, you are punished by having togetherness yanked away from you via a break up. Next time, you know not to assert that boundary. If this keeps up, she will take control of your entire self. There are many reasons why she could be doing this but they're not important. What's important for you is to make yourself scarce, permanently.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [32 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [32 favorites]
No, there is no healthy relationship to be had here, really, run.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:38 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:38 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
From one of your other questions:
"3) She has said several times that she enjoys being with me and that she finds me interesting, considerate, and would like to get to know me better. But she has also remarked that I shouldn't give her more than she gives in return or expect much from her. Otherwise, she says, I might get hurt."
You are now getting hurt, like she promised.
posted by chrillsicka at 4:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [31 favorites]
"3) She has said several times that she enjoys being with me and that she finds me interesting, considerate, and would like to get to know me better. But she has also remarked that I shouldn't give her more than she gives in return or expect much from her. Otherwise, she says, I might get hurt."
You are now getting hurt, like she promised.
posted by chrillsicka at 4:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [31 favorites]
I'm not in the give-up-easily camp, so, while I think the probability of success here and now might be low, I think that there's still something to be learned and gained in at least trying to think about this a little differently.
You sound smart and possibly able to think your way through this (more creatively than most people). The advice about boundaries above is worth reiterating: she may believe (consciously or not) that by maintaining control of the relationship, and not allowing herself to be vulnerable to you, that she will keep the relationship going. In fact, she may have been so hurt by past relationships (with her parents, "friends", teachers, even ideas formed by media/stories), that this is just how she thinks that women who aren't victims behave.
So, you can demand to be viewed and treated as a fully equivalent-to-her, more-grounded-than-her human being, but you'll also have to figure out why she's acting this way. She sounds very scared, to me, but so thick with defenses that she doesn't even know she's scared (so you saying "I know you're scared" or telling her how she feels won't work -- in fact, I could also be wrong about this, so you'll have to think it through).
I know you live in different towns, but if you didn't I'd think that spending time _together_ with an above-average Ph.D. therapist might be really wonderful for her and you -- but it could also really bring her down for a while if she realizes why she's this way.
posted by amtho at 4:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
You sound smart and possibly able to think your way through this (more creatively than most people). The advice about boundaries above is worth reiterating: she may believe (consciously or not) that by maintaining control of the relationship, and not allowing herself to be vulnerable to you, that she will keep the relationship going. In fact, she may have been so hurt by past relationships (with her parents, "friends", teachers, even ideas formed by media/stories), that this is just how she thinks that women who aren't victims behave.
So, you can demand to be viewed and treated as a fully equivalent-to-her, more-grounded-than-her human being, but you'll also have to figure out why she's acting this way. She sounds very scared, to me, but so thick with defenses that she doesn't even know she's scared (so you saying "I know you're scared" or telling her how she feels won't work -- in fact, I could also be wrong about this, so you'll have to think it through).
I know you live in different towns, but if you didn't I'd think that spending time _together_ with an above-average Ph.D. therapist might be really wonderful for her and you -- but it could also really bring her down for a while if she realizes why she's this way.
posted by amtho at 4:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
The song that popped into my mind about your ask was Offspring's Self Esteem. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who hurts and abuses you? This might be something to reflect on, either alone or with a professional.
I don't know if this lady has a pathology, or if she's just fucked up, but here's a good rule for life: Don't get into relationships with people who are too much work. A good relationship isn't a lot of work. Both people have a good foundation of similar or complimentary traits. There is respect for each other (clearly lacking in your 'relationship'). There are mutual interests. I can't see that you have ANY of these qualities, let alone all of them.
Do this. Break up with her. Tell her that it's not working out, that you're unhappy and that you don't see a future with her. Then block her six different ways from Sunday. It will hurt, you'll remember the three good times you had, you'll minimize the mean things she said and done to you, but stand firm. Get busy doing other things. After a couple of weeks, you might be horny, but you won't be feeling much for her except relief that you're no longer her little dog jumping through her hoops.
There is no good foundation for a relationship here. She is not a good partner, nor would she make a good mother. (GOOD LORD!)
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:59 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
I don't know if this lady has a pathology, or if she's just fucked up, but here's a good rule for life: Don't get into relationships with people who are too much work. A good relationship isn't a lot of work. Both people have a good foundation of similar or complimentary traits. There is respect for each other (clearly lacking in your 'relationship'). There are mutual interests. I can't see that you have ANY of these qualities, let alone all of them.
Do this. Break up with her. Tell her that it's not working out, that you're unhappy and that you don't see a future with her. Then block her six different ways from Sunday. It will hurt, you'll remember the three good times you had, you'll minimize the mean things she said and done to you, but stand firm. Get busy doing other things. After a couple of weeks, you might be horny, but you won't be feeling much for her except relief that you're no longer her little dog jumping through her hoops.
There is no good foundation for a relationship here. She is not a good partner, nor would she make a good mother. (GOOD LORD!)
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:59 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
This is your ninth question about the same person.
Just.
Stop.
posted by punchtothehead at 5:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [77 favorites]
Just.
Stop.
posted by punchtothehead at 5:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [77 favorites]
What you won't get out of this relationship: happiness, peace, comfort, companionship, love.
What you will get out of this relationship: lots and lots of opportunities to work on your boundaries and how to uphold your self-respect.
Ok, that's probably incorrect. The first time that you successfully set and maintain healthy boundaries and respect yourself, she's pretty likely to dump you. There is a lot you can learn from this relationship, unfortunately, none of it is very fun. It's all stuff that (decades later) you will say "wow, can you believe I put up with that? I am so happy that's behind me and now I understand how healthy relationships work." Unless she breaks you, because that happens to some people who start out in disfunctional relationships: they are scarred enough that it impacts their intimate relationships for decades. Save yourself the misery. Get out now.
posted by instamatic at 5:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
What you will get out of this relationship: lots and lots of opportunities to work on your boundaries and how to uphold your self-respect.
Ok, that's probably incorrect. The first time that you successfully set and maintain healthy boundaries and respect yourself, she's pretty likely to dump you. There is a lot you can learn from this relationship, unfortunately, none of it is very fun. It's all stuff that (decades later) you will say "wow, can you believe I put up with that? I am so happy that's behind me and now I understand how healthy relationships work." Unless she breaks you, because that happens to some people who start out in disfunctional relationships: they are scarred enough that it impacts their intimate relationships for decades. Save yourself the misery. Get out now.
posted by instamatic at 5:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
How are you imagining you are going to continue a relationship with someone who dumps you three times in a month as a ploy to get her way?
That is a straight question: how do you plan to continue a relationship with someone who breaks up with you weekly?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:15 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
That is a straight question: how do you plan to continue a relationship with someone who breaks up with you weekly?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:15 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Assuming you are both quite young, she is a brat, she will continue to make your life miserable, she will not change. Now is a good time to walk away without having gotten more entangled with a person who will only cause you grief. There are other more suitable women out there that you can form a happy, healthy relationship with. Get out of this one now.
posted by mermayd at 5:24 AM on January 13, 2016
posted by mermayd at 5:24 AM on January 13, 2016
Based on this one question, this woman is crazytown.
Based on your question history, this woman is fucking crazy-city.
Take the advice that people have been giving you since your first question, and dump this manipulative, flaky, yo-yo-ing, immature, CRAZY LADY before she causes you any more emotional trauma.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:33 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Based on your question history, this woman is fucking crazy-city.
Take the advice that people have been giving you since your first question, and dump this manipulative, flaky, yo-yo-ing, immature, CRAZY LADY before she causes you any more emotional trauma.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:33 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics? If so, any specific actions to take in that direction?
Any specific actions to redirect her behavior in a healthier direction have to be taken by her. Who knows, maybe your dropping her like a hot rock might be the catalyst she needs. But there is nothing you can do to change her if she isn't willing to change herself, and you already know the relationship isn't healthy for you. It's time for you to go.
posted by Gelatin at 5:38 AM on January 13, 2016
Any specific actions to redirect her behavior in a healthier direction have to be taken by her. Who knows, maybe your dropping her like a hot rock might be the catalyst she needs. But there is nothing you can do to change her if she isn't willing to change herself, and you already know the relationship isn't healthy for you. It's time for you to go.
posted by Gelatin at 5:38 AM on January 13, 2016
I'm one of the world's most optimistic people about crazy-people-getting-together-and-making-their-crazy-work (and I use that wording intentionally, as a diagnosed crazy person in a long-term relationship with another diagnosed crazy person). But this has Bad News all over it. It doesn't sound fixable without her buy-in because most of the work would have to be hers, it doesn't sound like you could ever get her buy-in to do that work, and it doesn't sound like you are in deep enough to make it even worth trying to get that buy-in.
I almost never say "walk away without trying to fix it" but this is a "walk away" situation. Run away, really.
posted by Stacey at 5:39 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
I almost never say "walk away without trying to fix it" but this is a "walk away" situation. Run away, really.
posted by Stacey at 5:39 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Please end this relationship and go no-contact forever. She is a human minefield. You should not have to constantly wonder if the next step you take will make her explode. Healthy relationships are, like, the exact opposite of that.
Once you've done that, it's a good idea to take a break and cultivate some non-dating-related friendships and activities. I think you know that this is definitely not what a healthy relationship looks like, but might not yet have a complete picture of what one does look like. Perhaps if you expand your social circle (even a loose, casual social circle) and hang out with more people in good relationships, you can build your mental model of what you want in a relationship. And at the very least, it never hurts to make friends and find new interests.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Once you've done that, it's a good idea to take a break and cultivate some non-dating-related friendships and activities. I think you know that this is definitely not what a healthy relationship looks like, but might not yet have a complete picture of what one does look like. Perhaps if you expand your social circle (even a loose, casual social circle) and hang out with more people in good relationships, you can build your mental model of what you want in a relationship. And at the very least, it never hurts to make friends and find new interests.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds like a women's group therapy would help her. In an environment where she feels safe and supported she may be able to admit that she has a problem with intimacy and holds very deep insecurities. I've seen big changes in people who stick with a good group for the long haul. Her "split personality" sounds like PSTD, possibly from her upbringing, past relationships, possibly. Medication can help. If she is on board with seeking to understand her erratic behavior and periodic aggression when faced with uncertainty about her self-worth, there is a chance she can become stable. It happens all the time, but of course, be prepared for this taking a long time. On the other side of the coin, I've seen very healthy people who don't wave red flags turn into monsters years into a marriage, after child birth, etc, so there are no guarantees. Life is funny that way. Love is even more hilarious.
posted by waving at 5:45 AM on January 13, 2016
posted by waving at 5:45 AM on January 13, 2016
Hey there. It sounds like you're in a tough situation. Unfortunately, I think the only way that she is going to change her behavior is when it stops working for her, and right now it's working for her.
I think when I was younger, for a number of reasons, I fell into a pattern of chasing women who would sometimes seem like they really liked me and sometimes wouldn't. It wasn't the best pattern, but it was one that I had developed early and it felt comfortable. One day, though, I was driving along and I realized two things: That things were going to pretty much always be this way with this particular person, and that this didn't make me happy. Eventually I managed to convince my brain that if people I was trying to date didn't seem to like me, that was OK and there wasn't much I could do about it, so it was best to walk away. Sometimes suffering is just suffering, and there is no reward at the end.
It's not that people don't change, it's more that people tend to slowly change over periods of years, not months. Which is glacial time when you're newly dating somebody.
If this is it -- if this is all you'll ever get from her, are you going to be happy? And I think you know the answer to that. An Indian philosopher once said that if you feel conflict, there is no conflict, because if you were doing what you thought was the right thing, you wouldn't feel conflict.
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:54 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think when I was younger, for a number of reasons, I fell into a pattern of chasing women who would sometimes seem like they really liked me and sometimes wouldn't. It wasn't the best pattern, but it was one that I had developed early and it felt comfortable. One day, though, I was driving along and I realized two things: That things were going to pretty much always be this way with this particular person, and that this didn't make me happy. Eventually I managed to convince my brain that if people I was trying to date didn't seem to like me, that was OK and there wasn't much I could do about it, so it was best to walk away. Sometimes suffering is just suffering, and there is no reward at the end.
It's not that people don't change, it's more that people tend to slowly change over periods of years, not months. Which is glacial time when you're newly dating somebody.
If this is it -- if this is all you'll ever get from her, are you going to be happy? And I think you know the answer to that. An Indian philosopher once said that if you feel conflict, there is no conflict, because if you were doing what you thought was the right thing, you wouldn't feel conflict.
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:54 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Run as fast as you can.
posted by dbiedny at 6:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by dbiedny at 6:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you ever witnessed something like this being redirected towards healthier dynamics?
No, I haven't. Sure, the dynamic is messed up, but that's mainly because she is controlling and a mess and you play into that to the extent you put up with her. You can fix the dynamic by not putting up with her inappropriate behavior and ending the relationship, but that's obviously not a fix that keeps you together. It doesn't sound like she is capable right now of having a healthy relationship with you, and it would take a lot of time and effort on her part for that to change. It isn't something you can do for her. Even if she wanted to work on her issues, which doesn't seem to be the case, she can't do it while being in an unhealthy relationship with you.
posted by Area Man at 6:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
No, I haven't. Sure, the dynamic is messed up, but that's mainly because she is controlling and a mess and you play into that to the extent you put up with her. You can fix the dynamic by not putting up with her inappropriate behavior and ending the relationship, but that's obviously not a fix that keeps you together. It doesn't sound like she is capable right now of having a healthy relationship with you, and it would take a lot of time and effort on her part for that to change. It isn't something you can do for her. Even if she wanted to work on her issues, which doesn't seem to be the case, she can't do it while being in an unhealthy relationship with you.
posted by Area Man at 6:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this woman is full on nuts.
She needs to be seeing a team of mental health professionals, not you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
She needs to be seeing a team of mental health professionals, not you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
"3) She has said several times that she enjoys being with me and that she finds me interesting, considerate, and would like to get to know me better. But she has also remarked that I shouldn't give her more than she gives in return or expect much from her. Otherwise, she says, I might get hurt."
You are now getting hurt, like she promised.
To expand on this, just because she told you how she would act does not at all excuse her behavior, and you should not feel bad about being abused. I guess maybe there's a case to be made for "you [the OP] should know better", or "what did you think was going to happen?" But neither of those are likely to help you, so look at it this way.
You deserve a life free of abuse, full stop.
If you are in a (non-legal) relationship with a person, and that person is abusive towards you, you have the right to end that relationship. You aren't under a contract or anything, you can walk away.
Someone who is repeatedly abusive who doesn't actually apologize isn't actually going to change their behavior. (Sample actual apology: "I'm sorry I treated you poorly when you refused to send me a picture, and I'll act better towards you in the future." Sample not actual apology: "I'm sorry I got mad when you refused to send me a picture, and I won't let myself get angry in the future.")
And that's about it. There are billions of people in the world. Every moment you stay with this person is one fewer moment you have to find someone whom you'll find to be just as nice as this person but who won't be abusive and shitty towards you.
posted by disconnect at 6:20 AM on January 13, 2016
You are now getting hurt, like she promised.
To expand on this, just because she told you how she would act does not at all excuse her behavior, and you should not feel bad about being abused. I guess maybe there's a case to be made for "you [the OP] should know better", or "what did you think was going to happen?" But neither of those are likely to help you, so look at it this way.
You deserve a life free of abuse, full stop.
If you are in a (non-legal) relationship with a person, and that person is abusive towards you, you have the right to end that relationship. You aren't under a contract or anything, you can walk away.
Someone who is repeatedly abusive who doesn't actually apologize isn't actually going to change their behavior. (Sample actual apology: "I'm sorry I treated you poorly when you refused to send me a picture, and I'll act better towards you in the future." Sample not actual apology: "I'm sorry I got mad when you refused to send me a picture, and I won't let myself get angry in the future.")
And that's about it. There are billions of people in the world. Every moment you stay with this person is one fewer moment you have to find someone whom you'll find to be just as nice as this person but who won't be abusive and shitty towards you.
posted by disconnect at 6:20 AM on January 13, 2016
It can seem like a miracle when you switch from these types to a partner who is actually nice. Amazing things happen. You gotta leave this person in the past and say, like Tom Petty, "You say you love me/I wish you liked me more."
p.s. Passive-Aggression was invented by a World War II colonel to diagnose people who didn't like his orders and pouted instead of complying. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me beyond a military/office context. This person's aggression, though, sounds like it ain't that passive.
posted by johngoren at 6:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
p.s. Passive-Aggression was invented by a World War II colonel to diagnose people who didn't like his orders and pouted instead of complying. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me beyond a military/office context. This person's aggression, though, sounds like it ain't that passive.
posted by johngoren at 6:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not only can this NOT be redirected toward healthier dynamics, but it's pretty much guaranteed to get worse. Can you imagine? You need to get away from this person, yesterday.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 6:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 6:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
This isn't about being the kind of person who sticks to things, nor is it about salvaging a working relationship. This is not what people mean by a decent partnership. This is not your only chance to find love. This is not your only chance to get laid. This is not what the first year of a good relationship looks like.
You need to respect yourself. Dear yourself, this woman is demanding, impulsive, and has told you she isn't relationship material. Her weekly actions are disrespectful. This is not what you were looking for in your life. End the relationship, do not let her come back into your life.
Spend your energy meeting new people in all ways and you will find much better.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
You need to respect yourself. Dear yourself, this woman is demanding, impulsive, and has told you she isn't relationship material. Her weekly actions are disrespectful. This is not what you were looking for in your life. End the relationship, do not let her come back into your life.
Spend your energy meeting new people in all ways and you will find much better.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Wait...
I thought this dynamic seemed familiar, then I realized it wasn't just similiar, but the same as the one I read on Ask a while back.
Do you enjoy getting advice to leave her, then ignoring it? I don't quite understand why you are soliciting feedback on this relationship then disregarding it. Your relationship is never going to be what you want.
posted by Trifling at 6:32 AM on January 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
I thought this dynamic seemed familiar, then I realized it wasn't just similiar, but the same as the one I read on Ask a while back.
Do you enjoy getting advice to leave her, then ignoring it? I don't quite understand why you are soliciting feedback on this relationship then disregarding it. Your relationship is never going to be what you want.
posted by Trifling at 6:32 AM on January 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
I can think of at least two other men (and many women) who have posted AskMe questions very similar to yours, only they had already married or gotten engaged to their abuser. In no case were things better because the posters had chosen to stay - I'm not going to link to the questions because they aren't mine to share, but dig around a bit and I'm sure you can find threads that will give you a glimpse into what a future with this person will be like.
You've already asked several questions about this person, and have gotten pretty much the same answers each time - get away, get therapy, you can't change this person. I understand that you don't want to leave, but if there were other answers they would have been shared long before this. I really am sorry, and I hope that continuing to hear the same advice is helping to nudge you on your way, but you cannot fix what you did not cause in the first place. Please get away before you get her pregnant - please don't put some poor child in the position of having this woman as their mother.
Get away, get therapy - you can't change this person.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:35 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
You've already asked several questions about this person, and have gotten pretty much the same answers each time - get away, get therapy, you can't change this person. I understand that you don't want to leave, but if there were other answers they would have been shared long before this. I really am sorry, and I hope that continuing to hear the same advice is helping to nudge you on your way, but you cannot fix what you did not cause in the first place. Please get away before you get her pregnant - please don't put some poor child in the position of having this woman as their mother.
Get away, get therapy - you can't change this person.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:35 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
It is possible to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues. It is not easy, but it's possible.
It is not possible to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues who is not willing to admit to having those issues and seeking, wherever possible, to treat them. It's not possible to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues who doesn't respect that you can't destroy yourself to be with them. Seeking treatment doesn't mean that the problems are temporary; some things are more treatable than others, sometimes meds that used to work fine fail, sometimes a therapist retires and it's hard to find a new one who works out, a million things. But it's an ongoing process of admitting that sometimes the problem is in your head, not something your partner has to do.
Whatever is going on with her, I'm not going to internet diagnose, it's just well beyond the range of acceptable things to put on your shoulders. I agree with Stacey, from a similar POV: the problem isn't "crazy", the problem is dumping the burden of all your crazy on your partner. It's not necessary to be a completely stable person to have a happy relationship, but if you're not a completely stable person, you have to be able to admit that and start dealing with it like a grown-up before you can functionally be with someone else. It might be worth trying to have a frank conversation about that, but I'd say chances are like... 95% that she's not ready to deal with this and you need to be ready to move on.
posted by Sequence at 6:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
It is not possible to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues who is not willing to admit to having those issues and seeking, wherever possible, to treat them. It's not possible to have a relationship with someone with serious mental health issues who doesn't respect that you can't destroy yourself to be with them. Seeking treatment doesn't mean that the problems are temporary; some things are more treatable than others, sometimes meds that used to work fine fail, sometimes a therapist retires and it's hard to find a new one who works out, a million things. But it's an ongoing process of admitting that sometimes the problem is in your head, not something your partner has to do.
Whatever is going on with her, I'm not going to internet diagnose, it's just well beyond the range of acceptable things to put on your shoulders. I agree with Stacey, from a similar POV: the problem isn't "crazy", the problem is dumping the burden of all your crazy on your partner. It's not necessary to be a completely stable person to have a happy relationship, but if you're not a completely stable person, you have to be able to admit that and start dealing with it like a grown-up before you can functionally be with someone else. It might be worth trying to have a frank conversation about that, but I'd say chances are like... 95% that she's not ready to deal with this and you need to be ready to move on.
posted by Sequence at 6:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I promise you there are women out there who do not act like this.
It is the vast majority of women, in fact. Most women - as you see above! - are horrified at the thought of someone acting like this, dumping someone on a whim without any concern for the other person's feelings, etc.
She's broken up with you several times. At that point, you are no longer in a relationship. Take that as a plus: say, "No, I think you're right and we shouldn't be together" and go find someone else. Let her live with the consequences of her actions.
She says she wants to have kids with you, but she can't even agree from week to week whether she wants to be *dating* you? That isn't a person who I would trust to make commitments like raising a child. You think she's going to stick it out through the difficult parts of child-raising, sleepless nights, poop everywhere? Or are you going to be a single father, or even worse trying to protect your child from an abusive mother who neglects him or her and denies affection whenever there's a rough patch? Ugh. My heart aches for the kid just thinking about it.
posted by Lady Li at 6:47 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
It is the vast majority of women, in fact. Most women - as you see above! - are horrified at the thought of someone acting like this, dumping someone on a whim without any concern for the other person's feelings, etc.
She's broken up with you several times. At that point, you are no longer in a relationship. Take that as a plus: say, "No, I think you're right and we shouldn't be together" and go find someone else. Let her live with the consequences of her actions.
She says she wants to have kids with you, but she can't even agree from week to week whether she wants to be *dating* you? That isn't a person who I would trust to make commitments like raising a child. You think she's going to stick it out through the difficult parts of child-raising, sleepless nights, poop everywhere? Or are you going to be a single father, or even worse trying to protect your child from an abusive mother who neglects him or her and denies affection whenever there's a rough patch? Ugh. My heart aches for the kid just thinking about it.
posted by Lady Li at 6:47 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Just adding my voice to the numerous sensible people in this thread who have encouraged you to break up with this woman.
What you describe is not her personality; it is a set of power games that she is playing with you. I do not know, and cannot speculate, why she is playing these games with you, but I can tell you from experience that the games will not end until you put up a boundary with her; until you say with your words and your actions that something she is doing is not acceptable to you. When you do that, it is highly likely that she will break up with you.
When she does break up with you, there are things that you will miss, yes. The sound of her voice, the private language and jokes that you may have developed, the intimacy. But I want you to look past the loss of those things and notice the relief that you will also feel at not having to walk on eggshells around her, wondering if whatever innocuous thing you say or do, like shaving or taking a shower because you have been working in the garden, is going to set her off.
Lean into that relief. Free yourself from this. It doesn't get better.
posted by gauche at 7:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
What you describe is not her personality; it is a set of power games that she is playing with you. I do not know, and cannot speculate, why she is playing these games with you, but I can tell you from experience that the games will not end until you put up a boundary with her; until you say with your words and your actions that something she is doing is not acceptable to you. When you do that, it is highly likely that she will break up with you.
When she does break up with you, there are things that you will miss, yes. The sound of her voice, the private language and jokes that you may have developed, the intimacy. But I want you to look past the loss of those things and notice the relief that you will also feel at not having to walk on eggshells around her, wondering if whatever innocuous thing you say or do, like shaving or taking a shower because you have been working in the garden, is going to set her off.
Lean into that relief. Free yourself from this. It doesn't get better.
posted by gauche at 7:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
You're much better off alone nursing your wounds from this woman than staying with her. DTMFA.
I hope you find someone much nicer in the future, nobody needs this kind of punishment, esp. in their personal life. My take is, I don't include people like that in my personal life, I prefer to be punished by bosses and the mean lady at the DMV, folks I have no control over. You have a choice of having this crazy person in your life, I think you should decline.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:19 AM on January 13, 2016
I hope you find someone much nicer in the future, nobody needs this kind of punishment, esp. in their personal life. My take is, I don't include people like that in my personal life, I prefer to be punished by bosses and the mean lady at the DMV, folks I have no control over. You have a choice of having this crazy person in your life, I think you should decline.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:19 AM on January 13, 2016
And, yes, what you describe is not a "woman" thing. There are plenty of women who don't play borderline-abusive power games, and plenty of men who do.
Consider following this rule: you get to break up with somebody twice. Sometimes there are good reasons to break up with someone that aren't about the person, but if you've broken up twice, it's almost certainly a sign that there is something fundamentally incompatible.
What new information do you think you will learn by continuing to date this woman? She is already showing you who she is and how she treats you at a pretty high signal strength.
posted by gauche at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Consider following this rule: you get to break up with somebody twice. Sometimes there are good reasons to break up with someone that aren't about the person, but if you've broken up twice, it's almost certainly a sign that there is something fundamentally incompatible.
What new information do you think you will learn by continuing to date this woman? She is already showing you who she is and how she treats you at a pretty high signal strength.
posted by gauche at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
This woman isn't 'crazy' - I'd wager she knows exactly what she's doing. She's testing you. She's saying things and demanding things that are demonstrably awful, and every time you take her back, that's one more thing she knows she can do to you with no repercussions.
This is the tip of the iceburg, dude. Can you even imagine what she'll be demanding from you 15 breakups from now? A year from now? I can. It isn't pretty. Fucking run.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is the tip of the iceburg, dude. Can you even imagine what she'll be demanding from you 15 breakups from now? A year from now? I can. It isn't pretty. Fucking run.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
WALK. AWAY.
posted by leahwrenn at 7:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by leahwrenn at 7:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I got through your first sentence , where for the last month she's dumped you almost once per week, and thought 'man, that is tedious'. The rest of your question makes my brain hurt. This "relationship" is ridiculous. If drama, uncertainty, and unreasonable and frankly weird demands are what you want from your partner, then continue to ignore the advice here and stay with her! Otherwise, tell her you are done, and walk away from the whole mess.
I know the shortest and simplest answer to my problem would be to walk away from this one and maybe later seek a less drama-filled relationship. . YES. DO THIS. NOW.
posted by Fig at 8:09 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I know the shortest and simplest answer to my problem would be to walk away from this one and maybe later seek a less drama-filled relationship. . YES. DO THIS. NOW.
posted by Fig at 8:09 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have seen long-term relationships like this and they're not pretty.
I have also seen parents who act like this, and never mind all the advice about not having kids with her because then you'd be chained to her for life. Don't have kids with her because no one should have to grow up trying to please a parent like that.
posted by mail at 8:09 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have also seen parents who act like this, and never mind all the advice about not having kids with her because then you'd be chained to her for life. Don't have kids with her because no one should have to grow up trying to please a parent like that.
posted by mail at 8:09 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
This goes from recreationally crazy (this is a terrible relationship but you're an adult free to make your own bad decisions, you'll never be happy as long as you're involved with her but whatever maybe you need to learn that lesson for yourself) to LIFE-RUININGLY CRAZY riiiiiiiiiight here:
"The previous afternoon she had said she saw me as a solid and caring person she would like to have a long-term relationship with, and had been questioning me about whether I would consider having a child with her in a few months."
What? NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You do not have a child with your on-again-and-off-again boyfriend/FwB/whatever you are "in a few months." You do not decide after SIX WEEKS of going steady to have a kid together "in a few months." You do not decide to have a child with someone you dislike enough that you broke up with them three times in a month! This is all FLATLY CRAZY behavior on her part, crazy that she proposes to involve an innocent infant in! RUN AWAY NOW.
Look, this woman is mean and she doesn't like you. The other responses have been pretty clear about that. And that's one thing if that's the relationship you want to have, especially early in your adult dating life. Sometimes you gotta get those out of your system and learn from experience that it's a bad idea. BUT. What she is proposing right now will TRAP YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If the two of you have a baby, she has legal claims on you for the next 22 years. Even after you break up (you will), your income, your schedule, your future relationships with women, your choice of where to live -- these will ALL become subject to her whims. She can use the court system to publicize thing about you both true and false. She can force you to appear in court for stupid piddly disputes on a regular basis or get you charged with contempt. She will threaten to report you for non-payment of child support. She will have her lawyer call you at work (she will "accidentally" give him your boss's number). She will withhold visitation with the child when you displease her. You will have to go to court to get it back. She will demand an increase in child support every time.
I don't know, maybe she won't, sometimes having a baby suddenly turns people into adults, but this is a HIGHLY PLAUSIBLE SCENARIO that will rule the next two decades of your life. Is that what you want to sign up for? If you don't want a life where your crazy ex-girlfriend is hauling you into court, playing games with custody, and taking a big chunk of your salary for the next TWENTY YEARS, then you need to stop having sex with this woman RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
Continue dating if that's what you need to do to find out that she's mean and terrible, but DO NOT HAVE SEX. Do not bring a child into this nightmare. That is cruel.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [39 favorites]
"The previous afternoon she had said she saw me as a solid and caring person she would like to have a long-term relationship with, and had been questioning me about whether I would consider having a child with her in a few months."
What? NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You do not have a child with your on-again-and-off-again boyfriend/FwB/whatever you are "in a few months." You do not decide after SIX WEEKS of going steady to have a kid together "in a few months." You do not decide to have a child with someone you dislike enough that you broke up with them three times in a month! This is all FLATLY CRAZY behavior on her part, crazy that she proposes to involve an innocent infant in! RUN AWAY NOW.
Look, this woman is mean and she doesn't like you. The other responses have been pretty clear about that. And that's one thing if that's the relationship you want to have, especially early in your adult dating life. Sometimes you gotta get those out of your system and learn from experience that it's a bad idea. BUT. What she is proposing right now will TRAP YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If the two of you have a baby, she has legal claims on you for the next 22 years. Even after you break up (you will), your income, your schedule, your future relationships with women, your choice of where to live -- these will ALL become subject to her whims. She can use the court system to publicize thing about you both true and false. She can force you to appear in court for stupid piddly disputes on a regular basis or get you charged with contempt. She will threaten to report you for non-payment of child support. She will have her lawyer call you at work (she will "accidentally" give him your boss's number). She will withhold visitation with the child when you displease her. You will have to go to court to get it back. She will demand an increase in child support every time.
I don't know, maybe she won't, sometimes having a baby suddenly turns people into adults, but this is a HIGHLY PLAUSIBLE SCENARIO that will rule the next two decades of your life. Is that what you want to sign up for? If you don't want a life where your crazy ex-girlfriend is hauling you into court, playing games with custody, and taking a big chunk of your salary for the next TWENTY YEARS, then you need to stop having sex with this woman RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
Continue dating if that's what you need to do to find out that she's mean and terrible, but DO NOT HAVE SEX. Do not bring a child into this nightmare. That is cruel.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [39 favorites]
To answer your question: No, you cannot have a healthy relationship when one partner does not seem to know how to act in a respectful and reflective manner towards the other. Both people have to treat each other like adults. She does not seem to have the skill sets or self-awareness or interest in that sort of relationship.
Drama can be intoxicating because it feels a lot like passion and like things are HAPPENING, but really, you're just being bounced around by someone who has some really serious issues. There are no steps you can take to make her behave differently or better. NONE. You cannot fix her. This is what you get.
You are still very new in your relationship, so this is her showing you her best behavior. HER BEST BEHAVIOR. Just wait until she gets really comfortable and shows you her less polite and cautious side. (No, please don't.)
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 8:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Drama can be intoxicating because it feels a lot like passion and like things are HAPPENING, but really, you're just being bounced around by someone who has some really serious issues. There are no steps you can take to make her behave differently or better. NONE. You cannot fix her. This is what you get.
You are still very new in your relationship, so this is her showing you her best behavior. HER BEST BEHAVIOR. Just wait until she gets really comfortable and shows you her less polite and cautious side. (No, please don't.)
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 8:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't know what to say except that relationships often do not survive a breakup -- which sounds like a joke in this context, but isn't. You've had three. Get out. You are dealing with someone who lacks the basic necessities of a dating relationship -- in particular, the understanding that a breakup, in the context of a relationship, is a Damn Serious Thing. She does seriously bad things and doesn't apparently understand their import. Or maybe she does -- and that's worse. Banish this woman from your head. And prepare for what happens when you do this, because that is when she will go truly nuts.
posted by Mr. Justice at 8:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Justice at 8:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Being single is a far more pleasant use of your time.
posted by Alterscape at 8:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Alterscape at 8:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
I don't think she is passive-aggressive; I think she is aggressive-aggressive. Rude, controlling and plain nasty, in fact.
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:35 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:35 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I was in a relationship like this for three years. I changed my appearance: my eyebrows, hair, clothing, the shoes I wore, I started wearing makeup. I lost weight and got so skinny that I stopped having my period. I changed my attitude: I was always pleasant to be around, I did everything that he asked of me and more, I did all the chores and the driving and the grocery shopping and the cooking and the cleaning. I had sex with him whenever he wanted, in whatever way he wanted. I lied to my parents, to his parents, to my friends, about him because he did not want to be public about our relationship. I stopped seeing the friends he didn't like. Then I stopped seeing any friends at all. Finally, I just stopped having friends. I gave up all of my hobbies: playing piano, knitting, reading fiction. I almost quit my job several times because it was just too much to manage.
I finally left when he started getting physical with me. It took three years for me to figure it out.
Why did I stay? Probably for some of the same reasons you're staying with this woman. It's a tough one to figure out, though. Really, really tough. I got something from it, I know that. Man, I like doing things that are difficult and conquering challenges. Talk about a challenge: being with someone who does not love you and who treats you like dirt is definitely a very real challenge. And I stayed with him because I saw that he was troubled and I loved him and and and... who knows. The reasons are varied and complex. But I think that thinking about why you're there, why you're not able to walk away, could be fruitful. And I also recommend that you get a blank notebook and start writing this shit down. You think you won't forget it, but you will; at least, I did. So start writing down all the things she has done that are not acceptable. The beard thing. The parents thing. Keep writing. When you get an urge to call her, read your list. Is this a person that you want to yoke yourself to? Is this the life you want to live?
Life with a person like that is not a life. It is a prison and it does lasting damage. It took me three years to leave and that was three years ago now and I'm still damaged from the whole thing. I can't make friends like I used to. My personal relationships are always weird now because I am so insecure from that experience. I push people away. I don't trust people, even when I know they're trustworthy. It really, really, really sucks.
I wish I had left sooner because the damage got deeper every day I stayed with that man. And I imagine that you can read my story and think oh, that's not what this is like, this situation I am in is different. And yeah, in some ways, I'm sure it is. But they start small. They start with the beard or the eyebrows. They level up to the hot and cold and the "I don't want to be with you" flipturned with the "I want to have your babies" thing. And they keep leveling up until one day you look around and you're like "hey where did all my friends go and why do I look like a stranger in the mirror and when was the last time that I did something that gave me joy?"
Here's the thing: being with a person like this is like playing a video game that has no purpose other than to keep you on the hamster wheel. There's no storyline; there's no goal; your primary goal - your only goal - is to keep trying. This is a hamster wheel relationship: you will keep running, keep trying, and you will never get anywhere good with it. You'll only become bruised and exhausted from all the running.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 8:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [49 favorites]
I finally left when he started getting physical with me. It took three years for me to figure it out.
Why did I stay? Probably for some of the same reasons you're staying with this woman. It's a tough one to figure out, though. Really, really tough. I got something from it, I know that. Man, I like doing things that are difficult and conquering challenges. Talk about a challenge: being with someone who does not love you and who treats you like dirt is definitely a very real challenge. And I stayed with him because I saw that he was troubled and I loved him and and and... who knows. The reasons are varied and complex. But I think that thinking about why you're there, why you're not able to walk away, could be fruitful. And I also recommend that you get a blank notebook and start writing this shit down. You think you won't forget it, but you will; at least, I did. So start writing down all the things she has done that are not acceptable. The beard thing. The parents thing. Keep writing. When you get an urge to call her, read your list. Is this a person that you want to yoke yourself to? Is this the life you want to live?
Life with a person like that is not a life. It is a prison and it does lasting damage. It took me three years to leave and that was three years ago now and I'm still damaged from the whole thing. I can't make friends like I used to. My personal relationships are always weird now because I am so insecure from that experience. I push people away. I don't trust people, even when I know they're trustworthy. It really, really, really sucks.
I wish I had left sooner because the damage got deeper every day I stayed with that man. And I imagine that you can read my story and think oh, that's not what this is like, this situation I am in is different. And yeah, in some ways, I'm sure it is. But they start small. They start with the beard or the eyebrows. They level up to the hot and cold and the "I don't want to be with you" flipturned with the "I want to have your babies" thing. And they keep leveling up until one day you look around and you're like "hey where did all my friends go and why do I look like a stranger in the mirror and when was the last time that I did something that gave me joy?"
Here's the thing: being with a person like this is like playing a video game that has no purpose other than to keep you on the hamster wheel. There's no storyline; there's no goal; your primary goal - your only goal - is to keep trying. This is a hamster wheel relationship: you will keep running, keep trying, and you will never get anywhere good with it. You'll only become bruised and exhausted from all the running.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 8:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [49 favorites]
You have our permission and encouragement to leave and never look back.
Whatever you do, do not get this woman pregnant.
posted by hollyholly at 9:00 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Whatever you do, do not get this woman pregnant.
posted by hollyholly at 9:00 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
good lord just end this godawful relationship already.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You are worthy of unconditional love. She won't even give you unconditional attention. I dont' believe she's necessarily evil, but she probably grew up in a household where love and attention were conditional. You can't fix her, and the best role you can play for her is that of one of the self-respecting guys who tried, but ultimately couldn't put up with her behavior. She may eventually seek help after enough failed relationships, or maybe not.
I'd also strongly recommend that you reflect on what has kept you in this situation. Do you see her as out of your league in some way? That's only true if you believe it is. Are you afraid you won't find someone else? Again, only true if you believe so. Is her mistreatment scratching some deep-seated itch that you didn't even realize you had? That's totally something that you can work on, but only after you get clear of this toxic situation.
posted by gimli at 9:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd also strongly recommend that you reflect on what has kept you in this situation. Do you see her as out of your league in some way? That's only true if you believe it is. Are you afraid you won't find someone else? Again, only true if you believe so. Is her mistreatment scratching some deep-seated itch that you didn't even realize you had? That's totally something that you can work on, but only after you get clear of this toxic situation.
posted by gimli at 9:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think everyone else has covered the DTMFA aspect (to which I will also undersign), but I wanted to also stress the importance of not having a child with this woman. Imagine: if she's treating you like this, what the child will have to deal with?
Don't for a minute think that she will be magically more reasonable and caring to the child--highly unlikely. Really imagine it from a child's experience and let that sink in. Even if you are the best father in the world, the kid will still have this woman for a mother and I can 99.9% guarantee she will damage the emotional well-being of the child in such a way that the kid will need therapy later. Both my parents had one engaged, caring parent and one differently-flavored abusive parent. They did not benefit at all from having an abusive parent. Don't do it!
posted by smirkette at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Don't for a minute think that she will be magically more reasonable and caring to the child--highly unlikely. Really imagine it from a child's experience and let that sink in. Even if you are the best father in the world, the kid will still have this woman for a mother and I can 99.9% guarantee she will damage the emotional well-being of the child in such a way that the kid will need therapy later. Both my parents had one engaged, caring parent and one differently-flavored abusive parent. They did not benefit at all from having an abusive parent. Don't do it!
posted by smirkette at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
You cannot have a healthy relationship with a person who has broken up with you over such minor things as not wanting to have a beard or not sending a picture of yourself on demand. You REALLY cannot have a healthy relationship, of any kind, with someone who threatens to leave you when you ask them to stop hurting your feelings.
If this is the same person that all of your AskMe posts have been about, it's high time to cut your losses. You're not in a relationship with this person, you're being used as a self-soothing device by someone who is emotionally unstable and either has no idea what they want or knows that they don't want you but really enjoys the attention they're getting from you.
Do you really want to sink any more of your precious time into a relationship with a person who treats you like garbage? Is this the way you want to be treated by a girlfriend?
posted by palomar at 10:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
If this is the same person that all of your AskMe posts have been about, it's high time to cut your losses. You're not in a relationship with this person, you're being used as a self-soothing device by someone who is emotionally unstable and either has no idea what they want or knows that they don't want you but really enjoys the attention they're getting from you.
Do you really want to sink any more of your precious time into a relationship with a person who treats you like garbage? Is this the way you want to be treated by a girlfriend?
posted by palomar at 10:19 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
DTMFA. Because I'm stupid in many ways,I married (and divorced) someone like this. Not a good idea.
posted by w0mbat at 10:58 AM on January 13, 2016
posted by w0mbat at 10:58 AM on January 13, 2016
This will not improve. It will likely get worse and more abusive. End it now and do not get this woman pregnant.
I would also recommend that you spend some time thinking about why you are not able to identify emotional abuse and lots of red flags properly. You're holding on to a very toxic relationship and entertaining fantasies that it could become something other than an abusive situation. It will not. Consider working on this issue with a therapist.
posted by quince at 11:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would also recommend that you spend some time thinking about why you are not able to identify emotional abuse and lots of red flags properly. You're holding on to a very toxic relationship and entertaining fantasies that it could become something other than an abusive situation. It will not. Consider working on this issue with a therapist.
posted by quince at 11:16 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's fucked. Ditch, run: sorry.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:04 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 12:04 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Sorry pal, her aggression ain't passive.
posted by rhizome at 12:44 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 12:44 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Nobody's going to tell you anything different than they told you the first nine times. You have been asking several questions a month about the pain she puts you through. It's the same woman, isn't it? Imagine how much less emotional burden you could have been carrying around since September. Imagine what else you could have spent your time on. Imagine how good it's going to feel to put that burden down.
This is going on four months of your life spent bogged down by her abuse. Four months of -- if I remember this experience correctly, which I do -- spending all the energy you could be using for work or hobbies or self-care on instead worrying about her opinions and behaviors and preferences and regard. It's emphatically not your fault, it's hers, but you have the power to end it before it saps even more of your energy and attention and time.
You can't make this work because she can't make this work, and doesn't want to. It's not you, it's her, it's not going to change, and it's going to feel GREAT when you stop hitting yourself in the head with this hammer repeatedly.
posted by babelfish at 12:56 PM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is going on four months of your life spent bogged down by her abuse. Four months of -- if I remember this experience correctly, which I do -- spending all the energy you could be using for work or hobbies or self-care on instead worrying about her opinions and behaviors and preferences and regard. It's emphatically not your fault, it's hers, but you have the power to end it before it saps even more of your energy and attention and time.
You can't make this work because she can't make this work, and doesn't want to. It's not you, it's her, it's not going to change, and it's going to feel GREAT when you stop hitting yourself in the head with this hammer repeatedly.
posted by babelfish at 12:56 PM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
From all of your posts in the past several months, I can see that you are a kind, thoughtful person who's putting a lot of energy into this relationship in particular and into the dating/romance process in general. And it seems like you've grown a lot since you started asking these dating questions on AskMe.
This person is not on the same level as you in that respect. (One might say she's not good enough for you.) Find someone who's as kind and thoughtful and as invested in working on the quality of the relationship as you are.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:26 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
This person is not on the same level as you in that respect. (One might say she's not good enough for you.) Find someone who's as kind and thoughtful and as invested in working on the quality of the relationship as you are.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:26 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
For a healthy relationship to work, both people have to give 100% to making that relationship work. Sometimes my 100% will be more or less than what it was last week; sometimes your 100% will be more or less than last week.
You are giving your 100% in good faith. She is emphatically not. She is exhibiting behavior that is actively hurting the relationship, and most likely, you. She will not get better. She will not get better if you stay. She will not get better, no matter how much you love her, how much you give her. She will not get better if you have a baby.
Oh God, nonononononono baby. NO. Seriously. NO. I can't emphasize the NO loudly enough. This isn't 'rough but workable' this is super insane crazypants.
I'm truly sorry... but you cant fix her. You can't make her sane. You can't make her love you.
You can and should protect yourself. Invest in loving you.
posted by Jacen at 2:10 PM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
You are giving your 100% in good faith. She is emphatically not. She is exhibiting behavior that is actively hurting the relationship, and most likely, you. She will not get better. She will not get better if you stay. She will not get better, no matter how much you love her, how much you give her. She will not get better if you have a baby.
Oh God, nonononononono baby. NO. Seriously. NO. I can't emphasize the NO loudly enough. This isn't 'rough but workable' this is super insane crazypants.
I'm truly sorry... but you cant fix her. You can't make her sane. You can't make her love you.
You can and should protect yourself. Invest in loving you.
posted by Jacen at 2:10 PM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure shes gaslighting you; I'm not sure she's not, either though, so just in case
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
posted by Jacen at 2:17 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
posted by Jacen at 2:17 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think this is beyond the expectable dose of hot-and-cold behavior in dating.
It is.
This woman is a massive jerk. Don't date jerks. Date someone who makes you happy.
People are not fixer-uppers. Don't date someone that needs to substantially change in order to be someone you can be happy with.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:26 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
It is.
This woman is a massive jerk. Don't date jerks. Date someone who makes you happy.
People are not fixer-uppers. Don't date someone that needs to substantially change in order to be someone you can be happy with.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:26 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Good god, man. You don't have a healthy relationship with this woman now. When do you imagine a healthy relationship with this nightmare of a person would start?
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:51 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:51 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Having a partner like this never gets easier or better. You could bend to their every whim and treat them perfectly, but they will still twist you and manipulate you over and over again. These are not "bumps in the road" or other day-to-day crises. This is abusive.
A close friend of mine dated a partner like this for years, and it destroyed his sense of self and his confidence to the point where he barely knew how to approach relationships without feeling guilt/self-loathing. His partner still stalks him to this day and tries to dig their claws into his life whenever he seems to be recovering.
The opportunity to get rid of this woman is one you MUST take. People like her will stick around and mess with you for as long as they can. Cut her out, and even if she "apologizes", ignore it. Abusive partners will only apologize in order to drag you back into the cycle of manipulation. Don't buy the bullshit she's selling you.
You can do this, be strong. There are many people in the world that will respect your boundaries and be a collaborative partner. You don't need to accept this behaviour.
posted by InkDrinker at 5:52 PM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
A close friend of mine dated a partner like this for years, and it destroyed his sense of self and his confidence to the point where he barely knew how to approach relationships without feeling guilt/self-loathing. His partner still stalks him to this day and tries to dig their claws into his life whenever he seems to be recovering.
The opportunity to get rid of this woman is one you MUST take. People like her will stick around and mess with you for as long as they can. Cut her out, and even if she "apologizes", ignore it. Abusive partners will only apologize in order to drag you back into the cycle of manipulation. Don't buy the bullshit she's selling you.
You can do this, be strong. There are many people in the world that will respect your boundaries and be a collaborative partner. You don't need to accept this behaviour.
posted by InkDrinker at 5:52 PM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Walk away now. Cut contact. Her behavior is not going to improve.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:29 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:29 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is the same woman who completely flipped out over sex with you to the point where you were terrified to try again without ED pills?
Sweetie, you deserve better. Being single for a while is infinitely better than dating somebody as nuts as she is.
posted by zug at 6:55 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sweetie, you deserve better. Being single for a while is infinitely better than dating somebody as nuts as she is.
posted by zug at 6:55 PM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is she borderline? If not then it sounds as if she has internalised the idea that life is always full of conflict which basically means that she will never be at peace until she gets help. I have dated and been friends with people like this. It's complete hell. You cannot do anything right. Just when you think things are going well, the other person finds a fault or problem. I am afraid that you will only be happy if you leave. Please leave.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
So my partner and I have a policy: we're allowed to have preferences about the other's look, but the person whose body it is has absolute veto. Because it's their body. My fiance likes my hair long; I tend to like mine short; he manages to cope with the massive loss of my having short hair by still being a lovely person and still loving me. He never threatens me, chastises me, or yells at me for daring to have bodily autonomy.
Meanwhile, your partner freaks out over any display of independence: not immediately sending you a picture. Wanting to decide whether or not you'd grow a beard. Her affection for you is tied to you negating your opinions and subsuming your personality into hers.
Run. Block her on your phone and all social media. Change your damn locks if you have to. She does not deserve you.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 7:43 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Meanwhile, your partner freaks out over any display of independence: not immediately sending you a picture. Wanting to decide whether or not you'd grow a beard. Her affection for you is tied to you negating your opinions and subsuming your personality into hers.
Run. Block her on your phone and all social media. Change your damn locks if you have to. She does not deserve you.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 7:43 AM on January 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Over time, one learns that it is okay to care for someone and yet break up with that person anyway because the relationship doesn't work. That's a really challenging lesson, especially given the ubiquity of the sentiment expressed in the popular and completely wrong Beatles' song, All You Need Is Love. Alas, taint so.
Since everyone here has reminded you why this woman is a bad partner, here's a link to something someone else on MF once posted (apologies, don't remember who) on how to find a life partner from Wait But Why. It's about marriage, not dating, but the advice is still sound.
"When it comes to marriage, a perpetual 'discomfort' between you and your partner can be a permanent source of unhappiness, especially as it magnifies over time, much like your torturous situation in the chair. Feeling 'at home' means feeling safe, cozy, natural, and utterly yourself..." That's not how you feel with your partner and you will never feel that way with her.
It's totally fine to care about her. It's not okay to continue dating her, however. That's bad for you. People get better at relationships with practice and over time. This was a practice run; you have learned a lot. Yes, breaking up will hurt but not as much as investing more time, more energy, more emotion and then breaking up later. In short, what everyone else has said already. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:33 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Since everyone here has reminded you why this woman is a bad partner, here's a link to something someone else on MF once posted (apologies, don't remember who) on how to find a life partner from Wait But Why. It's about marriage, not dating, but the advice is still sound.
"When it comes to marriage, a perpetual 'discomfort' between you and your partner can be a permanent source of unhappiness, especially as it magnifies over time, much like your torturous situation in the chair. Feeling 'at home' means feeling safe, cozy, natural, and utterly yourself..." That's not how you feel with your partner and you will never feel that way with her.
It's totally fine to care about her. It's not okay to continue dating her, however. That's bad for you. People get better at relationships with practice and over time. This was a practice run; you have learned a lot. Yes, breaking up will hurt but not as much as investing more time, more energy, more emotion and then breaking up later. In short, what everyone else has said already. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:33 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
She sounds like a mess. The women I've known who seemed to have this constant need to test their relationships/partners by seeing what awful things they could get away with without driving the person away... well it's kind of tragic. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sort of adult version of the attachment disorder I've read about that (often adopted) kids with traumatically insecure pasts sometimes have. They seem so sweet and easy and lovely at first but as soon as they start to feel a little bit of security, they need to test test test in sometimes awful ways.
Being a partner to a person like this, I think, would be in some ways as hard and in some ways maybe harder than parenting a child in that situation. And with even less possibility of actual positive change. This is how she what figured out as to how to live in the world. And as long as she is sufficiently charismatic, beguiling, and needy, she will always be able to find men who, for a shorter or longer time, will think they will be the one whose love will save/cure her.
If you let yourself believe that this is a reasonable way for a woman to behave in relationships, if you chalk it up to women's inscrutable emotions/hormones/woman-ness, you might be able to live with it for a very long time while slowly sinking deeper and deeper into misogyny, and despising all women because you can't and don't actually respect (and probably rightfully so) the one woman that *you* chose.
She is not behaving, and may not ever be capable of behaving, as an adult, at least in the relationship sphere.
Some people truly do seem to want to be and thrive as caretakers (in this sense) in their relationships. But at least give yourself the opportunity to experience other variations on relationships before you commit to this model. (Which I think if you were truly suited to, by temperament or whatever good, bad, or traumatic experiences of your own, you would not be asking questions like these).
posted by Salamandrous at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Being a partner to a person like this, I think, would be in some ways as hard and in some ways maybe harder than parenting a child in that situation. And with even less possibility of actual positive change. This is how she what figured out as to how to live in the world. And as long as she is sufficiently charismatic, beguiling, and needy, she will always be able to find men who, for a shorter or longer time, will think they will be the one whose love will save/cure her.
If you let yourself believe that this is a reasonable way for a woman to behave in relationships, if you chalk it up to women's inscrutable emotions/hormones/woman-ness, you might be able to live with it for a very long time while slowly sinking deeper and deeper into misogyny, and despising all women because you can't and don't actually respect (and probably rightfully so) the one woman that *you* chose.
She is not behaving, and may not ever be capable of behaving, as an adult, at least in the relationship sphere.
Some people truly do seem to want to be and thrive as caretakers (in this sense) in their relationships. But at least give yourself the opportunity to experience other variations on relationships before you commit to this model. (Which I think if you were truly suited to, by temperament or whatever good, bad, or traumatic experiences of your own, you would not be asking questions like these).
posted by Salamandrous at 5:57 PM on January 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by netsirk at 4:08 AM on January 13, 2016 [64 favorites]