How do I deal with intense feelings that might be rebound?
December 28, 2015 3:53 PM Subscribe
So, I'm on my Southwest USA spiritual journey/roadtrip after my recent separation to divorce incident. I have zero ties to my 'home city' and no responsibilities right now. However... A very interesting lady appeared from nowhere, and I am thinking I would like to date her, and I believe she would like to date me. I'm scared this is a rebound, and thus, a bad idea. How do I make that judgment call? More inside!
I was with my wife for 5 years dating + 1 year of marriage. Pretty much from the day we married she discovered she had romantic feelings for her boss. She told me about them six months later, also announcing she believed she is polyamarous. (Both her siblings happen to be as well)
So for six months, we worked to see if we could salvage the relationship. She was never willing to give up pursuing her boss. Three months into this process, I was 90% sure he had feelings for her too. She kept gushing about him I kept pulling away from her. Finally, a month ago, it all came to a sudden head- he does like her, does want to pursue a relationship, and they started dating. I immediately told my wife it was over, she reluctantly agreed, and we ceased to share the apartment. I feel like I gave 100% in trying to make things work. I cried a lot. (A lot!) and did some grief and anger work. I'm not 100% over everything, but I am way further along than I thought I would be a month ago. There is 0 chance of my wife and I getting back together.
SO! New girl appears. We've been talking for three weeks. Like, nonstop. And... I like her. A lot. Shes my type in very many ways. Shes attractive, fun, interesting, smart, pretty, sexy. Shes attracted to me, I know. Shes not perfect... She has kids (which I'd have to learn to handle, but believe I can handle) and anxiety issues, which I am equipped to handle. I would have to move to her state (I am ok with this)
She really deserves to not be hurt by me if this is a rebound... How do I tell if this is a rebound, a good match, or some of both? How much rebound is in the dangerzone? I don't date around much; I tend to know what I like and not settle for less. I am also picky and have, well, special needs (that she knows about and sounds like she would deal with almost perfectly) So when I find ladies who meet my criteria, I tend to pursue.
I am mostly content with being single. I can deal with it, though I prefer being in LTR. I'm mostly happy with me as a person, and know others can not complete me, I have to complete me. Then a good relationship can be built on that foundation.
Its still early, I still have plenty of trip and talking before I have to make any sort of a decision... but I want some advice from metafilter :)
Thanks!
TL;dr: How much rebound is bad, and how do I tell how much I have?
I was with my wife for 5 years dating + 1 year of marriage. Pretty much from the day we married she discovered she had romantic feelings for her boss. She told me about them six months later, also announcing she believed she is polyamarous. (Both her siblings happen to be as well)
So for six months, we worked to see if we could salvage the relationship. She was never willing to give up pursuing her boss. Three months into this process, I was 90% sure he had feelings for her too. She kept gushing about him I kept pulling away from her. Finally, a month ago, it all came to a sudden head- he does like her, does want to pursue a relationship, and they started dating. I immediately told my wife it was over, she reluctantly agreed, and we ceased to share the apartment. I feel like I gave 100% in trying to make things work. I cried a lot. (A lot!) and did some grief and anger work. I'm not 100% over everything, but I am way further along than I thought I would be a month ago. There is 0 chance of my wife and I getting back together.
SO! New girl appears. We've been talking for three weeks. Like, nonstop. And... I like her. A lot. Shes my type in very many ways. Shes attractive, fun, interesting, smart, pretty, sexy. Shes attracted to me, I know. Shes not perfect... She has kids (which I'd have to learn to handle, but believe I can handle) and anxiety issues, which I am equipped to handle. I would have to move to her state (I am ok with this)
She really deserves to not be hurt by me if this is a rebound... How do I tell if this is a rebound, a good match, or some of both? How much rebound is in the dangerzone? I don't date around much; I tend to know what I like and not settle for less. I am also picky and have, well, special needs (that she knows about and sounds like she would deal with almost perfectly) So when I find ladies who meet my criteria, I tend to pursue.
I am mostly content with being single. I can deal with it, though I prefer being in LTR. I'm mostly happy with me as a person, and know others can not complete me, I have to complete me. Then a good relationship can be built on that foundation.
Its still early, I still have plenty of trip and talking before I have to make any sort of a decision... but I want some advice from metafilter :)
Thanks!
TL;dr: How much rebound is bad, and how do I tell how much I have?
A month ago your marriage ended and three weeks ago you met your dream girl. When exactly did you do the grief and anger work?
And this relationship is budding while you're on a "spiritual journey/roadtrip"?
It looks like you didn't spend any time alone following your marriage ending and you're not spending the time you've set aside for self-reflection...reflecting.
posted by headnsouth at 4:14 PM on December 28, 2015 [20 favorites]
And this relationship is budding while you're on a "spiritual journey/roadtrip"?
It looks like you didn't spend any time alone following your marriage ending and you're not spending the time you've set aside for self-reflection...reflecting.
posted by headnsouth at 4:14 PM on December 28, 2015 [20 favorites]
Go ahead and have a rebound. Tell her clearly you can't make any promises. Don't meet her kids if you can avoid it.
posted by quincunx at 4:28 PM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 4:28 PM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
do you understand why you dated someone for five years and only were married for a few months before it imploded? Were there red flags? Were there things you were being shown by your ex that you ignored?
You don't know this new woman enough to decide to move to her state and start a new life. That alone tells me that there is a TON of wishful thinking on your part here. It. WOULD be so much easier to have a girlfriend all set and waiting for you. Bypassing all that boring, lonely and hard work of processing your divorce seems tempting, but really, it's a huge mistake to think that you're ready for a new relationship.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:40 PM on December 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
You don't know this new woman enough to decide to move to her state and start a new life. That alone tells me that there is a TON of wishful thinking on your part here. It. WOULD be so much easier to have a girlfriend all set and waiting for you. Bypassing all that boring, lonely and hard work of processing your divorce seems tempting, but really, it's a huge mistake to think that you're ready for a new relationship.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:40 PM on December 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
There is really no harm in waiting six months or a year to process where you are and I think everyone would agree you could use this time. If this person is meant to be your next partner, then the two of you can probably find a way to be together after more time has passed.
I have a hypothesis that for various reasons you like being attached, and this person appears very attractive to you because they are offering the possibility of attachment. If so, you should probably not date her right now and work on finding some stability within yourself. The fact that she appeared so soon after your divorce supports my hypothesis. If this is true, you might have been attracted to anyone who seemed acceptable and could promise attachment, and this means your issues are driving your relationship choices and you have some work to do in therapy. Of course, it could also be true that she happens to be a very good match for you and the timing is a coincidence.
One way to test the hypothesis is to not date for a while and see what happens. If you meet lots of people who don't interest you, then maybe there really is something special about her. If you find yourself crushing on a lot of people, then maybe not. If you notice yourself becoming fixated on finding another partner, then maybe you are craving attachment. Either way I think you need more data right now.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:55 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I have a hypothesis that for various reasons you like being attached, and this person appears very attractive to you because they are offering the possibility of attachment. If so, you should probably not date her right now and work on finding some stability within yourself. The fact that she appeared so soon after your divorce supports my hypothesis. If this is true, you might have been attracted to anyone who seemed acceptable and could promise attachment, and this means your issues are driving your relationship choices and you have some work to do in therapy. Of course, it could also be true that she happens to be a very good match for you and the timing is a coincidence.
One way to test the hypothesis is to not date for a while and see what happens. If you meet lots of people who don't interest you, then maybe there really is something special about her. If you find yourself crushing on a lot of people, then maybe not. If you notice yourself becoming fixated on finding another partner, then maybe you are craving attachment. Either way I think you need more data right now.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:55 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh come ON.
Of course this is a rebound. You know why it's a bad idea?
She has kids (which I'd have to learn to handle, but believe I can handle)
You haven't yet MET her kids but you already know you can handle them? This is not rational thinking. Leave the woman with kids alone.
posted by sweetie_darling at 5:23 PM on December 28, 2015 [13 favorites]
Of course this is a rebound. You know why it's a bad idea?
She has kids (which I'd have to learn to handle, but believe I can handle)
You haven't yet MET her kids but you already know you can handle them? This is not rational thinking. Leave the woman with kids alone.
posted by sweetie_darling at 5:23 PM on December 28, 2015 [13 favorites]
2nd quinunx - don't meet her kids. Otherwise, why not date? She's a grown person who can make her own decisions. Tell her you've just come out of a divorce (if she doesn't already know); give her the details if you want. Also tell her you're not sure if you can trust your feelings. And, that despite all that, you're really excited about her, and that you'd like to see where it goes. Any connection is a risk. She might be a rebound, but she could be a One, who knows? Stranger things have happened. (Basically just 2nd quincunx.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:27 PM on December 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:27 PM on December 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
So, my partner and I started dating in fairly similar circumstances. The difference? He was local and didn't have kids. The distance + the kids have the potential to make any relationship you pursue with this women have to be more serious. I think, for us, having the time to ease into a serious relationship (even though we were pretty stupid for each other from day 1) was really important. I think if you're in love with the city she's in and want to move there for reasons besides her, go for it. If you don't, you're putting way too much pressure on way tenuous of a connection when you're in a vulnerable time.
posted by superlibby at 7:28 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by superlibby at 7:28 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Are you actually divorced? I can't tell from your question. If not, does she know this? Might make a difference here.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 7:36 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 7:36 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not every date is meant to lead to a long term relationship. Date. Have fun. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions.
(That said, my "rebound" has been my husband for 3 years now.)
posted by kimberussell at 7:43 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
(That said, my "rebound" has been my husband for 3 years now.)
posted by kimberussell at 7:43 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Nobody but you can tell you how much time you need to process the end of your previous relationship. That being said, one thing I've learned is that pursuing something that makes you happy is always worth it, even if it proves to be fleeting.
posted by jason and the garlic knots at 8:17 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jason and the garlic knots at 8:17 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
In the wake of a big break-up, a low-stakes romance with a friendly, nifty person can be absolutely great-- but the key words there are "low stakes." You're already thinking about moving to her state, supporting her mental health, and building a relationship with her kids-- and friend, those things are less casual than a cloth-of-gold tuxedo.
I'm not saying that you can't date her. You certainly can, and it might end up being awesome, but IMO, you'll have to be careful. Right now, your heart and mind are most likely in freefall, and many of your wants and needs may change dramatically and unexpectedly as you settle into post-marriage life. So if you do decide to pursue the new lady, my advice is to go slow, to keep a close eye on things, and to make sure that you're always honest with yourself, and with her. If that sounds like too much work (and it's okay if it does!) then you're probably not ready for this.
It might be a good idea for things to be non-exclusive and long distance, at least for a while. And I agree very strongly with everyone who's advised against meeting her kids.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:10 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm not saying that you can't date her. You certainly can, and it might end up being awesome, but IMO, you'll have to be careful. Right now, your heart and mind are most likely in freefall, and many of your wants and needs may change dramatically and unexpectedly as you settle into post-marriage life. So if you do decide to pursue the new lady, my advice is to go slow, to keep a close eye on things, and to make sure that you're always honest with yourself, and with her. If that sounds like too much work (and it's okay if it does!) then you're probably not ready for this.
It might be a good idea for things to be non-exclusive and long distance, at least for a while. And I agree very strongly with everyone who's advised against meeting her kids.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:10 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
So you got married a year ago and separated a month ago... and it seems like you are still married, most likely, and you met someone (where did she "appear" from?) three weeks ago, which is apparently one week after you and your wife separated...
Yes, of course it's a rebound! That's not necessarily bad, but it's a bit intense to be talking about moving to her town already.
You say you are okay with being single, but aren't you still married? It sounds like you've considered yourself single for one week out of the past six years.
None of this means don't date this woman, but you might try being a bit less casual and a bit more honest with yourself.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:39 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, of course it's a rebound! That's not necessarily bad, but it's a bit intense to be talking about moving to her town already.
You say you are okay with being single, but aren't you still married? It sounds like you've considered yourself single for one week out of the past six years.
None of this means don't date this woman, but you might try being a bit less casual and a bit more honest with yourself.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:39 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel this is a rebound too, partly on the fact that of the six main descriptors you used for her, three of them were based on her appearance. "Attractive..., pretty, sexy." Those terms are essentially variations of the exact same thing. So she's hot. We get it. And perhaps you didn't mean to emphasize her aesthetics so much, I'm not trying to say that's all you care about. Maybe my observation is wrong. But it is worth thinking about. Because if half the things you like about her are looks based, then it almost seems like half the reason you're into this relationship is because of pure attraction. And that's fine, looks are important, but it can also be problematic for two reasons.
Firstly, intense attraction lies to you. The chemistry you feel when someone is pushing your figurative 'sexy' button is extremely heady and hard to pull away from. This is why it feels SO intense. And it often causes you to remain in situations not entirely beneficial to you. I feel like you just don't really want to date a woman with kids deep down -- but you're already making excuses about that to yourself (I can handle it) to give you reasons to pursue this... because, well, you kinda want it, and her, and it feels really good right now. Saying no doesn't feel as good as saying yes to this situation. And goes without saying that 'nobody is perfect'-- so if her anxiety is not a problem for you at all, and you can handle it, then why mention it in this AskMe at all? It's irrelevant information, unless somehow deep down it is kind of important to you.
And the second reason why picking someone on their looks is problematic is because looks tend to become one of the least important aspects of a relationship long-term, even though people often use it as the most important criteria for choosing a partner. I like to think of it as looks are always a short-term investment, whereas personality is a long-term investment. So if you're mostly choosing for looks and hoping that it'll pay off long-term, you're setting yourself up for a bad investment.
And yeah, attraction matters, but that's not the foundation of a long lasting relationship. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy this as a fling and have fun with it and each other if you're both on the same page about that, but if she actually wants a relationship from you I would proceed with caution. I think your gut is saying that this isn't what you want long term-- because if you did, you probably wouldn't even be asking this question at all.
posted by Dimes at 1:51 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Firstly, intense attraction lies to you. The chemistry you feel when someone is pushing your figurative 'sexy' button is extremely heady and hard to pull away from. This is why it feels SO intense. And it often causes you to remain in situations not entirely beneficial to you. I feel like you just don't really want to date a woman with kids deep down -- but you're already making excuses about that to yourself (I can handle it) to give you reasons to pursue this... because, well, you kinda want it, and her, and it feels really good right now. Saying no doesn't feel as good as saying yes to this situation. And goes without saying that 'nobody is perfect'-- so if her anxiety is not a problem for you at all, and you can handle it, then why mention it in this AskMe at all? It's irrelevant information, unless somehow deep down it is kind of important to you.
And the second reason why picking someone on their looks is problematic is because looks tend to become one of the least important aspects of a relationship long-term, even though people often use it as the most important criteria for choosing a partner. I like to think of it as looks are always a short-term investment, whereas personality is a long-term investment. So if you're mostly choosing for looks and hoping that it'll pay off long-term, you're setting yourself up for a bad investment.
And yeah, attraction matters, but that's not the foundation of a long lasting relationship. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy this as a fling and have fun with it and each other if you're both on the same page about that, but if she actually wants a relationship from you I would proceed with caution. I think your gut is saying that this isn't what you want long term-- because if you did, you probably wouldn't even be asking this question at all.
posted by Dimes at 1:51 AM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Give yourself time before you pick up and move, but there's nothing wrong with dating someone and seeing how it goes. If she knows your position (as others have said), she can decide whether she wants to invest any time with you.
posted by getawaysticks at 5:55 AM on December 29, 2015
posted by getawaysticks at 5:55 AM on December 29, 2015
So, if I'm reading this correctly...You are on your journey, but new gal is back home, not someone you met on the journey, so is potentially a thing to keep you in home town, where you otherwise have no connection.
I think you should complete your journey, using the time away to examine your new single-hood, and all of the other things you set out to find when you started the trip. I would approach the new gal with honesty, explaining your status, and your thoughts about rebound relationships. You can even use your 'spiritual journey' to frame your explanation, in case elements of your honesty seem out of step with what she knows about you already.
From there I would just date and see where it goes. It could be that your thoughts about new gal are colored heavily by your feelings that you need to be in a LTR, or by her availability as an emotional support in your time of crisis. As others have said, you will need time to properly grieve your failed marriage, and the steps of that grief will have an impact on future relationships, this one included.
Good luck.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:33 AM on December 29, 2015
I think you should complete your journey, using the time away to examine your new single-hood, and all of the other things you set out to find when you started the trip. I would approach the new gal with honesty, explaining your status, and your thoughts about rebound relationships. You can even use your 'spiritual journey' to frame your explanation, in case elements of your honesty seem out of step with what she knows about you already.
From there I would just date and see where it goes. It could be that your thoughts about new gal are colored heavily by your feelings that you need to be in a LTR, or by her availability as an emotional support in your time of crisis. As others have said, you will need time to properly grieve your failed marriage, and the steps of that grief will have an impact on future relationships, this one included.
Good luck.
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:33 AM on December 29, 2015
Me thinks though dost protest too much.
Really, you are OK being alone? How do you know? It's been less than a month since you split from your wife. You worked everything from your marriage out already? When?
I mean there are no rules and yes, everyone takes things at a different pace but... I don't know... It sounds awful sudden to me. Why not just date her, but don't meet her kids and don't make her any promises like relocation or whatever. See where things go. Maybe she's a rebound, but she's an adult, (as long as you were honest with her about your situation) she has a right to take her own chances if she wants to.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:11 PM on December 29, 2015
Really, you are OK being alone? How do you know? It's been less than a month since you split from your wife. You worked everything from your marriage out already? When?
I mean there are no rules and yes, everyone takes things at a different pace but... I don't know... It sounds awful sudden to me. Why not just date her, but don't meet her kids and don't make her any promises like relocation or whatever. See where things go. Maybe she's a rebound, but she's an adult, (as long as you were honest with her about your situation) she has a right to take her own chances if she wants to.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:11 PM on December 29, 2015
This is a bad idea from her perspective. She has kids and anxiety and chances are very very high you are going to need to bail on her (because you just met and are processing a divorce). Unless you have reason to believe she's down for a fling, move on. If she is down to rebound with you, meet up with her after your adventure casually and don't meet the kids. Maybe you can just meet a free twenty something spirit with no anxiety to accept to rebound with at your next stop.
posted by Kalmya at 3:48 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Kalmya at 3:48 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't date men who are less than a year divorced from their exes because they have almost never done the work to figure out who they are, what caused their marriage to fail, and who they're interested in dating next. If I were interested in casual flings I'd weigh things differently, but since I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with when I date I need to wait until I'm sure someone is looking for ME and not "girl-shaped placeholder." The fact that your marriage imploded within a year makes me guess that you didn't do any of that work before you got into your first marriage and would make me even more suspicious that you won't do it this time either.
posted by MsMolly at 4:05 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 4:05 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
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