How to deal with an opinionated, overbearing mom (re my kid & childcare)
December 28, 2015 11:00 AM Subscribe
My mom has many, many opinions on how we are caring for our son (from what we give him for breakfast to the chores he should have, ugh), and she loves to share them. All the time. Especially in emails (joy). Here's the situation: I am considering going back to work full time but I am sure my mom will voice her displeasure.
That will make me feel bad and question my decision, which is complicated by the fact that my parents currently babysit my son four afternoons a week (he's in morning kindergarten). That means that I would need to make additional childcare arrangements for at least one day a week. In general, my mom is a worrier, a bit of a martyr, a bit passive-aggressive, and extremely sensitive and conflict-avoidant, AND she never had to work full time after I was born. I currently freelance part time and have tried to explain to my mom that I need a job with more money and also benefits like vacation, sick time, retirement, etc., as well as a job where I can work with people and not by myself all day. I have also explained that (at least in my medium-size city) there are very few professional part-time jobs here. Complicating factor: My kid has special needs (nothing extreme; we have hired non-family babysitters and he is in a regular classroom). If I tell her I applied for or accepted an offer for a full-time job I know it will turn negative immediately and I need some advice.
That will make me feel bad and question my decision, which is complicated by the fact that my parents currently babysit my son four afternoons a week (he's in morning kindergarten). That means that I would need to make additional childcare arrangements for at least one day a week. In general, my mom is a worrier, a bit of a martyr, a bit passive-aggressive, and extremely sensitive and conflict-avoidant, AND she never had to work full time after I was born. I currently freelance part time and have tried to explain to my mom that I need a job with more money and also benefits like vacation, sick time, retirement, etc., as well as a job where I can work with people and not by myself all day. I have also explained that (at least in my medium-size city) there are very few professional part-time jobs here. Complicating factor: My kid has special needs (nothing extreme; we have hired non-family babysitters and he is in a regular classroom). If I tell her I applied for or accepted an offer for a full-time job I know it will turn negative immediately and I need some advice.
You seem like you've described an uncomfortable situation but not really nailed down a question, so two follow-up questions that might help people give you better targeted advice:
1) Are you looking for advice on how to to prevent your mom from making negative comments, or ways that you can be less bothered by those comments (or both)?
2) Are you planning to ask your mom to cover that additional 1 day per week of childcare?
posted by deludingmyself at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
1) Are you looking for advice on how to to prevent your mom from making negative comments, or ways that you can be less bothered by those comments (or both)?
2) Are you planning to ask your mom to cover that additional 1 day per week of childcare?
posted by deludingmyself at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: One of the things that I am constantly explaining to my overbearing mother (a baby boomer with all the stereotypical traits of entitlement) is that economically, things are not as good as they used to be. Real wages have not risen since 1975, or something like that. Money does not buy what it used to. It is economically necessary for both parents to work, in order to have the same things that people could afford 50 years ago. Not sure how you'd phrase it with your mother, but whenever my mother fusses over why I work two jobs, I throw it right back to her and say in your day, a mortgage didn't take up half your take-home pay. YMMV. Good luck.
posted by sockerpup at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by sockerpup at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2015 [20 favorites]
Can you emphasize the reasons this is good for your son when talking to her? Obviously a stable income and benefits are important. You might get pushback no matter what you say, so maybe it's time to tune out the "advice" and take it less personally. Easier said than done.
posted by meijusa at 11:13 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by meijusa at 11:13 AM on December 28, 2015
Response by poster: 1) Are you looking for advice on how to to prevent your mom from making negative comments, or ways that you can be less bothered by those comments (or both)?
2) Are you planning to ask your mom to cover that additional 1 day per week of childcare?
Sorry, good point. To clarify: I guess I am mostly asking how I can be less bothered by these comments -- I have enough regular mom-guilt as it is...
posted by trillian at 11:22 AM on December 28, 2015
2) Are you planning to ask your mom to cover that additional 1 day per week of childcare?
Sorry, good point. To clarify: I guess I am mostly asking how I can be less bothered by these comments -- I have enough regular mom-guilt as it is...
posted by trillian at 11:22 AM on December 28, 2015
Response by poster: Sorry, one more clarification and then no threadsitting: We definitely wouldn't ask my parents to do any more babysitting than they are already doing, and I would make that clear to them.
posted by trillian at 11:23 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by trillian at 11:23 AM on December 28, 2015
She'll continue to feel free to weigh-in for as long as she's providing a large amount of childcare, I'm assuming for free or low-cost. I don't see a way that you'll get to effectively tell her to keep her opinions to herself without putting your child into conventional childcare.
Ideally, you could explain your approaches as well as the realities of economics based on two incomes, and she'd respect your wishes, but I'm pretty sure you've tried that and it's not sticking. She feels entitled to barrage you with unsolicited advice because she feels that she's bought herself that right through her childcare labor. If you want/need her to continue to care for your child, you'll have to find a way to react less to her inputs. You can't change her, but you can make sure she doesn't have to power to make you question your decision or feel bad about doing what's best for your family. Build up that callus. Deflect, minimize engaging in extended discussions, and keep your responses consistent and short. Good luck! Having a happy and fulfilled mom is the best gift you can give your child.
posted by quince at 11:24 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ideally, you could explain your approaches as well as the realities of economics based on two incomes, and she'd respect your wishes, but I'm pretty sure you've tried that and it's not sticking. She feels entitled to barrage you with unsolicited advice because she feels that she's bought herself that right through her childcare labor. If you want/need her to continue to care for your child, you'll have to find a way to react less to her inputs. You can't change her, but you can make sure she doesn't have to power to make you question your decision or feel bad about doing what's best for your family. Build up that callus. Deflect, minimize engaging in extended discussions, and keep your responses consistent and short. Good luck! Having a happy and fulfilled mom is the best gift you can give your child.
posted by quince at 11:24 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Her providing childcare gives her power in the relationship. Does she realize her comments hurt you?
posted by LoveHam at 11:29 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by LoveHam at 11:29 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: There's nothing you can do to change your Mom. YOU have to change your interactions with her. This is about boundaries and you need to draw them and enforce them. As noted up above, as long as you're accepting her babysitting services, as long as you are dependent upon them, she will feel entitled to say things.
First, enroll your son in after school day care. Cut your parents' babysitting down considerably. They feel as though they are co-parents and that's why your Mom is offering all this unsolicited advice. I'd rather pay my salary in day care rather than accept babysitting from my parents with these kinds of strings attached.
Secondly practice these phrases:
1. This is what's right for my family.
2. You may have done it this way, I'm doing it differently.
3. I hear what you are saying .
You don't have to explain your desire to return to working full-time to ANYONE. It's almost as if you're suggesting that there's something wrong with wanting to work outside the home. There isn't. It isn't selfish to want an involved, adult life of your own away from home, one that work can provide.
People can only make you feel bad if you let them. Having a vibrant and fulfilled Mom is the best gift you can give your son. Teaching him that the women in his life have different intellectual needs and are autonomous people outside of their progeny and spouses is vitally important.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:31 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
First, enroll your son in after school day care. Cut your parents' babysitting down considerably. They feel as though they are co-parents and that's why your Mom is offering all this unsolicited advice. I'd rather pay my salary in day care rather than accept babysitting from my parents with these kinds of strings attached.
Secondly practice these phrases:
1. This is what's right for my family.
2. You may have done it this way, I'm doing it differently.
3. I hear what you are saying .
You don't have to explain your desire to return to working full-time to ANYONE. It's almost as if you're suggesting that there's something wrong with wanting to work outside the home. There isn't. It isn't selfish to want an involved, adult life of your own away from home, one that work can provide.
People can only make you feel bad if you let them. Having a vibrant and fulfilled Mom is the best gift you can give your son. Teaching him that the women in his life have different intellectual needs and are autonomous people outside of their progeny and spouses is vitally important.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:31 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
In general, my mom is a worrier, a bit of a martyr, a bit passive-aggressive, and extremely sensitive and conflict-avoidant,
Is that what you want your child's primary daytime caregiver to teach your child? Because that's what she'll teach your child.
When it's just grandma, who sees the kid regularly but is not in charge of him, then it's easier to brush off as "oh that's just grandma." But that's less of an option when she's providing free daycare.
Combine that with undermining your parenting decisions daily on big and small things, and reconsider whether your "free" daycare is worth the cost.
posted by headnsouth at 11:47 AM on December 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
Is that what you want your child's primary daytime caregiver to teach your child? Because that's what she'll teach your child.
When it's just grandma, who sees the kid regularly but is not in charge of him, then it's easier to brush off as "oh that's just grandma." But that's less of an option when she's providing free daycare.
Combine that with undermining your parenting decisions daily on big and small things, and reconsider whether your "free" daycare is worth the cost.
posted by headnsouth at 11:47 AM on December 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
I guess I am mostly asking how I can be less bothered by these comments
Ask yourself the following questions about her comments:
1. Did I read what she said?
2. Did I consider it?
3. Does my decision make sense to me?
If so, you have done due diligence, and can respond in good conscience with one of snickerdoodle's excellent suggested lines. Really, you are an adult and you are this child's parent, so if your mom got your respectful attention before you decided, she can reasonably ask for no more, and you have no reason to fret or doubt your own good sense.
posted by bearwife at 11:49 AM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ask yourself the following questions about her comments:
1. Did I read what she said?
2. Did I consider it?
3. Does my decision make sense to me?
If so, you have done due diligence, and can respond in good conscience with one of snickerdoodle's excellent suggested lines. Really, you are an adult and you are this child's parent, so if your mom got your respectful attention before you decided, she can reasonably ask for no more, and you have no reason to fret or doubt your own good sense.
posted by bearwife at 11:49 AM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
"I know what you think, mom. And I know you're saying it because you love and care for us, but please try and be okay with our decisions."
This puts the onus for action back on her, and implicitly requires that she either work out whatever issues she's having (and shuts up about them) or doesn't, and that's her failing, not yours (and so you go back to that same line, every time, as necessary).
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:57 AM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
This puts the onus for action back on her, and implicitly requires that she either work out whatever issues she's having (and shuts up about them) or doesn't, and that's her failing, not yours (and so you go back to that same line, every time, as necessary).
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:57 AM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would definitely not pull the plug on this free babysitting yet. This seems workable.
Just as you'll teach your child to do, you should use your words and thank her for the outstanding job she did in raising you:
"Mom, you've always been such an amazing role model throughout my life. I like to think that the big reason I'm doing a decent job is because I was raised by such a wonderful mom. I cannot thank you enough for everything you do for us every day. I know that we all have our own ways of doing things and I like to think that because you did such a great job raising me, I'm a good mom. Because of all your support you were able to make a tough decision a lot easier. For a lot of reasons, I need to go back to work full-time. You might not be over the moon about this but I really need your support and I know you only want to be helpful but sometimes when you offer unsolicited parenting advice it feels like you don't think I'm a good mom."
posted by sweetie_darling at 12:24 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just as you'll teach your child to do, you should use your words and thank her for the outstanding job she did in raising you:
"Mom, you've always been such an amazing role model throughout my life. I like to think that the big reason I'm doing a decent job is because I was raised by such a wonderful mom. I cannot thank you enough for everything you do for us every day. I know that we all have our own ways of doing things and I like to think that because you did such a great job raising me, I'm a good mom. Because of all your support you were able to make a tough decision a lot easier. For a lot of reasons, I need to go back to work full-time. You might not be over the moon about this but I really need your support and I know you only want to be helpful but sometimes when you offer unsolicited parenting advice it feels like you don't think I'm a good mom."
posted by sweetie_darling at 12:24 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
The broken record technique is the best for this sort of situation. Choose one of the phrases already suggested, or "Thank you for your opinion," and say nothing else until she is willing to change the topic.
Keep remembering that you make good decisions and this one is the best for your family. Do whatever you need to do to feel secure in your choice before telling her.
I recommend against removing her babysitter role, unless she wants to decrease it or you think she's a bad baysitter. She probably enjoys being so actively engaged with her grandson and would be hurt if you did that, and family relationships are valuable enough that withdrawing to your own nuclear family would probably not be the best choice for any of you. Do that of course if it's necessary for anyone's mental health, but don't feel like it's necessary in order to reframe how you handle her intrusive comments.
posted by metasarah at 12:58 PM on December 28, 2015
Keep remembering that you make good decisions and this one is the best for your family. Do whatever you need to do to feel secure in your choice before telling her.
I recommend against removing her babysitter role, unless she wants to decrease it or you think she's a bad baysitter. She probably enjoys being so actively engaged with her grandson and would be hurt if you did that, and family relationships are valuable enough that withdrawing to your own nuclear family would probably not be the best choice for any of you. Do that of course if it's necessary for anyone's mental health, but don't feel like it's necessary in order to reframe how you handle her intrusive comments.
posted by metasarah at 12:58 PM on December 28, 2015
There is such a thing as all day kindergarten. It is usually half day on Friday. That is one option for cutting back on your mom's presence. The boundary setting discussion will be a lot easier for you, than for her. Good luck with it. Remember as much as you dislike her generation, she did help you get a life. It is hard to care for another human and accept disempowerment as well. All day kindergarten.
posted by Oyéah at 2:10 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 2:10 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
if she expresses her opinions mostly through e-mail, can you get your spouse (or even a friend) to help shield you from that negativity by filtering her emails for you? have her messages go into a different folder so they can be screened first - deleteing anything inflammatory and irrelevant, and just passing on any information that you do need.
so, for example, an email from her that reads
"you really should be giving junior blah blah for lunch and why do you always blah blah, you know it's not the way I blah blah, I will be there at 5 to drop him off, love mom"
will actually reach you as
"I will be there at 5 to drop him off, love mom"
make use of the fact that she is conflict-avoidant! She never need know that you aren't actually reading all of her nagging!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:08 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
so, for example, an email from her that reads
"you really should be giving junior blah blah for lunch and why do you always blah blah, you know it's not the way I blah blah, I will be there at 5 to drop him off, love mom"
will actually reach you as
"I will be there at 5 to drop him off, love mom"
make use of the fact that she is conflict-avoidant! She never need know that you aren't actually reading all of her nagging!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:08 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is a wonderful piece of corporate weasel-speak that's tailor-made for this kind of application: "I hear what you're saying and I'll take that on board". It's the socially acceptable way to express "STFU kthxbi", and using it when appropriate is deliciously empowering.
posted by flabdablet at 4:27 AM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 4:27 AM on December 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
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sorry :(
posted by heathrowga at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2015 [44 favorites]