I want to be a good partner, but I don't have one!
December 28, 2015 5:33 AM Subscribe
I'm single at 40 after being coupled for my entire adult life. One of the things I'm missing the most is not having anyone reach for me (literally or figuratively!) because they want or need me. How can I stop letting this bother me?
My marriage, which was very good and supportive until very near to its demise, has been over for two years. I have supportive friends who care about me, but they all have kids and partners and busy lives, so I'm not a top priority and I'm pretty far down on their lists of whom they'd contact if they either needed support or wanted to socialize. I've gotten used to having to initiate nearly every interaction and getting rejected a lot; I used to take it personally but am pretty good at not doing that now. I've tried to better integrate my life with some of theirs through standing dates, making myself available in ways I don't prefer, etc. without success.
Not having any adults in my life who seek me out makes me feel like I have less purpose. Up until my divorce, being a good partner and taking care of someone was a large part of my life and I felt was the most useful and important thing I did as a human on a day to day basis. No longer doing this makes me feel more lost than not receiving that support myself.
Any suggestions for changing my thought processes so this is less necessary for me? I often find myself depressed because I don't quite know what to do with my time and headspace when I don't have anyone to give it to... sort of like losing a job or hobby that used to take up much of my life.
I have tried:
Occupying my mind with other activities. I'm still doing this, but it's not very effective because I have a hard time getting engrossed in anything since it seems purposeless in comparison. This includes volunteering for causes I care about.
Forming new relationships with people whose lives are a bit less full than my current friends'. I'm still working on this but it is always hard as an adult and there are boring reasons why it is somewhat harder in my case. Regardless, I think it would be good for me to be able to live without being needed in this way.
Counseling. I devoted a lot of energy to finding and trying out counselors last year and never found one that worked for me. I may try this in the future but it isn't where I'm going to put my time right now.
Fostering dogs. This is great, but isn't quite the same as being sought out by a person.
Experimenting with a few different depression meds. They made it so I didn't care about anything, but that made me feel worse in the long run.
Things I am not interested in trying:
Working with children. I have children and caring for them does not scratch the same itch as being called on by someone who's not in a dependent relationship to me.
Similarly, volunteering in case management type positions or working in counseling would have the same problem for me.
Drastically changing my life, by moving or switching jobs or whatever, is not a reasonable option because of my children and some medical issues.
Potentially relevant:
My job is a sort of state agency job that is basically meaningless. It's a good work environment but gives me no sense of purpose, which may be contributing to the problem. (I do have lovely coworkers.)
Casual contact isn't enjoyable to me. I go to parties and such to build and maintain relationships, but only close relationships actually improve my life.
Health issues mean that I'm basically sedentary right now, so please don't tell me it will get all better if I get more exercise or start rock climbing or whatever. :) Health problems also lead to insufficient sleep, which contributes to significant memory loss and inability to accomplish complicated mental tasks.
I am a huge introvert and shy with people I don't know well. I can effectively fake normalcy for a few hours at a time however.
Specific advice or book recommendations are welcome.
My marriage, which was very good and supportive until very near to its demise, has been over for two years. I have supportive friends who care about me, but they all have kids and partners and busy lives, so I'm not a top priority and I'm pretty far down on their lists of whom they'd contact if they either needed support or wanted to socialize. I've gotten used to having to initiate nearly every interaction and getting rejected a lot; I used to take it personally but am pretty good at not doing that now. I've tried to better integrate my life with some of theirs through standing dates, making myself available in ways I don't prefer, etc. without success.
Not having any adults in my life who seek me out makes me feel like I have less purpose. Up until my divorce, being a good partner and taking care of someone was a large part of my life and I felt was the most useful and important thing I did as a human on a day to day basis. No longer doing this makes me feel more lost than not receiving that support myself.
Any suggestions for changing my thought processes so this is less necessary for me? I often find myself depressed because I don't quite know what to do with my time and headspace when I don't have anyone to give it to... sort of like losing a job or hobby that used to take up much of my life.
I have tried:
Occupying my mind with other activities. I'm still doing this, but it's not very effective because I have a hard time getting engrossed in anything since it seems purposeless in comparison. This includes volunteering for causes I care about.
Forming new relationships with people whose lives are a bit less full than my current friends'. I'm still working on this but it is always hard as an adult and there are boring reasons why it is somewhat harder in my case. Regardless, I think it would be good for me to be able to live without being needed in this way.
Counseling. I devoted a lot of energy to finding and trying out counselors last year and never found one that worked for me. I may try this in the future but it isn't where I'm going to put my time right now.
Fostering dogs. This is great, but isn't quite the same as being sought out by a person.
Experimenting with a few different depression meds. They made it so I didn't care about anything, but that made me feel worse in the long run.
Things I am not interested in trying:
Working with children. I have children and caring for them does not scratch the same itch as being called on by someone who's not in a dependent relationship to me.
Similarly, volunteering in case management type positions or working in counseling would have the same problem for me.
Drastically changing my life, by moving or switching jobs or whatever, is not a reasonable option because of my children and some medical issues.
Potentially relevant:
My job is a sort of state agency job that is basically meaningless. It's a good work environment but gives me no sense of purpose, which may be contributing to the problem. (I do have lovely coworkers.)
Casual contact isn't enjoyable to me. I go to parties and such to build and maintain relationships, but only close relationships actually improve my life.
Health issues mean that I'm basically sedentary right now, so please don't tell me it will get all better if I get more exercise or start rock climbing or whatever. :) Health problems also lead to insufficient sleep, which contributes to significant memory loss and inability to accomplish complicated mental tasks.
I am a huge introvert and shy with people I don't know well. I can effectively fake normalcy for a few hours at a time however.
Specific advice or book recommendations are welcome.
Are you dating? Do you want another relationship or are you hoping to rid yourself of the desire for a relationship?
posted by greta simone at 6:01 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by greta simone at 6:01 AM on December 28, 2015
Response by poster: I would like another partner, but know that finding another will take time, and I want to learn how to improve my situation in the meantime. (I am dating but not making "FIND SOMEONE NEW" the focus of my life.)
posted by metasarah at 6:30 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by metasarah at 6:30 AM on December 28, 2015
Casual contact isn't enjoyable to me. I go to parties and such to build and maintain relationships, but only close relationships actually improve my life.
You can't reach the summit of close relationships without going through the valley of casual contact.
As a fellow introvert who is not a "joiner," I get the reluctance to Do Activities. But doing things both exposes you to and makes you interesting to other people...people who you may find interesting because of that shared thing that precipitated your casual contact. Doing Activities minimizes the dreaded social-networking smalltalk because you have the shared thing to talk about, and with most activities there's also a lovely comfortable silence built in too.
So, what do you like to do? Figure that out, dabble a bit, and find some fulfillment in the thing. The relationships will follow.
posted by headnsouth at 6:34 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
You can't reach the summit of close relationships without going through the valley of casual contact.
As a fellow introvert who is not a "joiner," I get the reluctance to Do Activities. But doing things both exposes you to and makes you interesting to other people...people who you may find interesting because of that shared thing that precipitated your casual contact. Doing Activities minimizes the dreaded social-networking smalltalk because you have the shared thing to talk about, and with most activities there's also a lovely comfortable silence built in too.
So, what do you like to do? Figure that out, dabble a bit, and find some fulfillment in the thing. The relationships will follow.
posted by headnsouth at 6:34 AM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you have any inclination of that sort, have you tried to find a church? YMMV but if this is something you would be interested in, the right one would be a great place to forge relationships. A caveat: not all churches are great at this but the ones that are, really are.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015
Best answer: As someone who also tends/tended to prioritize caring for others, I once read a quotation that basically said helping other people solve their problems is a great way of avoiding solving our own. What would your life be like if you started caring for yourself in the same way you were caring for your husband?
posted by jaguar at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015 [27 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015 [27 favorites]
(and being an ambivert myself, I need to tell you that forging new friendships simply takes time and exposure-more time than you'd like, probably. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:41 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
This pops out at me: "I am a huge introvert and shy with people I don't know well. I can effectively fake normalcy for a few hours at a time however." People may not come to you with their needs because they misinterpret your introvertedness as a desire to be left alone, or a silent judgment, or any of those other things that extroverted people ascribe to introverted people because they don't know how to read them.
Perhaps something like Toastmasters would help your appearance to others more accurately reflect your inner self. A good friend of mine has found that group to be especially helpful for getting her inner and outer selves to align; her social persona hasn't been totally changed, but it's more under her control than it was before, and she brings a level of genuineness to her faking it than before, which makes it easier for others to appreciate her.
posted by Capri at 8:23 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Perhaps something like Toastmasters would help your appearance to others more accurately reflect your inner self. A good friend of mine has found that group to be especially helpful for getting her inner and outer selves to align; her social persona hasn't been totally changed, but it's more under her control than it was before, and she brings a level of genuineness to her faking it than before, which makes it easier for others to appreciate her.
posted by Capri at 8:23 AM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do you feel about civic engagement? I've found for me something that is helpful is being involved with other people in a joint project where we are all focusing on one thing, not focusing on each other and it's a good way to interact with other people in a controlled way but also not have to (usually) make small talk and/or do hobby type stuff you may not be interested in. I know you have a state agency job but is it possible that gives you certain skills that might also be useful to some sort of town or city organization (in a way that wouldn't make it feel too much like work) so you could help people accomplish a thing? SO like being on a board of an organization that you believed in, or serving on a town committee or being part of an annual event that needs a lot of planning and coordination or even just having a regular shift at the food bank. I have computer skills, for example, and I have a regular "job" where I help people with computer problems every week, regularly. It gets me out and meeting people but the activity is problem-based and not just social (which is good, I freeze up at social stuff) and then I know more people in my area which helps me forge other connections. I have a little role in my community which I appreciate and even though it's not a pathway to partnership for me (I have a long distance partner, but I've been longtime single in the past) I feel that it's worthwhile and gives me a status role in a human relationships way which is valuable to me.
posted by jessamyn at 9:20 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 9:20 AM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
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