Long, formal Christmas lunch...with a toddler
December 24, 2015 4:50 AM Subscribe
Pretty stressed about Christmas lunch with my in-laws. We have a 21-month-old awho is even worse at sitting still than most toddlers, the meal is apparently four courses (!), and the dining room is tiny and packed full of antiques so there's nowhere for her to get down and play. Help!
It's not like she can even go and play somewhere else - you can't get out of the room without going down a little flight of steps, there's no toddler-proofing at all, and the whole place is full of valuable, breakable stuff right at her level. I may be able to keep her at the table a little longer by drawing with her or whatever, but there's no way she's going to last the whole extravaganza - and once she's got down from the table, she's unlikely to want to come back to it.
To me there's an obvious solution: I have a sandwich in the ten minutes she'll happily sit at the table, then once she's bored I go and play with her or take her for a walk while everyone else eats. She's not confined, I don't have to attempt to be appreciative of the cooking and make conversation while at the same time worrying about/entertaining her, and everyone else gets to have a sensible, grown-up chat without a toddler flinging yogurt everywhere. Husband gets annoyed if I even suggest this as he thinks it'll offend his family (but, truthfully, it's not like they actually want to spend time with me or care what I eat, is it?) and instead wants us to take turns to leave the table and entertain her - I won't relax and enjoy the meal when it's his turn anyway, so I can't see why it can't just be me on duty the whole time. (It can be his turn when we do Christmas with my family the next day - though that will be a very different situation altogether.)
Is there a better solution?! I feel as though competent parents probably know how to deal with this sort of thing!
It's not like she can even go and play somewhere else - you can't get out of the room without going down a little flight of steps, there's no toddler-proofing at all, and the whole place is full of valuable, breakable stuff right at her level. I may be able to keep her at the table a little longer by drawing with her or whatever, but there's no way she's going to last the whole extravaganza - and once she's got down from the table, she's unlikely to want to come back to it.
To me there's an obvious solution: I have a sandwich in the ten minutes she'll happily sit at the table, then once she's bored I go and play with her or take her for a walk while everyone else eats. She's not confined, I don't have to attempt to be appreciative of the cooking and make conversation while at the same time worrying about/entertaining her, and everyone else gets to have a sensible, grown-up chat without a toddler flinging yogurt everywhere. Husband gets annoyed if I even suggest this as he thinks it'll offend his family (but, truthfully, it's not like they actually want to spend time with me or care what I eat, is it?) and instead wants us to take turns to leave the table and entertain her - I won't relax and enjoy the meal when it's his turn anyway, so I can't see why it can't just be me on duty the whole time. (It can be his turn when we do Christmas with my family the next day - though that will be a very different situation altogether.)
Is there a better solution?! I feel as though competent parents probably know how to deal with this sort of thing!
Tell him sure, we'll take turns. Just make sure you take the first one. It may never get around to his turn. If it does, once he wants help (I'm guessing not long), it's your turn again. I always use toddler-wrangling to get away from my in laws.
posted by OrderOctopoda at 5:07 AM on December 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by OrderOctopoda at 5:07 AM on December 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
Best answer: You have her sit at the table for as long as she can muster, then you sit her on your lap for a little bit, then you get her out of there once she stops being cute.
And yeah, ask your husband to take over the next day. His parents want to see him, yours want to see you, and this IS how competent parents do it. (Switching off each day is also a reasonable option, but not one you're in any way obligated to take.). If he's worried it will make him look bad to his parents (sending wife to do all the work) he should cheerfully announce that he's going to be on duty at your parents place.
posted by telepanda at 5:08 AM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
And yeah, ask your husband to take over the next day. His parents want to see him, yours want to see you, and this IS how competent parents do it. (Switching off each day is also a reasonable option, but not one you're in any way obligated to take.). If he's worried it will make him look bad to his parents (sending wife to do all the work) he should cheerfully announce that he's going to be on duty at your parents place.
posted by telepanda at 5:08 AM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
What's your relationship with your MIL like? I feel like it must be somewhat strained from the tenor of your question, but I feel like she would appreciate knowing that the terrible twos (I'm sorry, I know that's not the most complimentary term) have arrived a bit early in one of her dinner guests. She knows her house best, after all, and may be able to make some accomodations ahead of time.
posted by backwards compatible at 5:11 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by backwards compatible at 5:11 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's possible that your husband is right and your in-laws will be offended, in which case you guys need to have a hard talk about presenting a unified front when you're faced with unreasonable expectations.
For what it's worth, I don't think you can politely eat a sandwich at the start of a formal, multi-course meal. You can eat the first course and then grab something else after you make your exit.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:28 AM on December 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
For what it's worth, I don't think you can politely eat a sandwich at the start of a formal, multi-course meal. You can eat the first course and then grab something else after you make your exit.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:28 AM on December 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, yes, I should have clarified that my husband's objection to my plan is that it's a snub to his parents' cooking. I don't think he'll be happy unless I manage all four courses (albeit as quickly as physically possible, more than likely once they've gone cold, and with a lot of interruption) and make a point of saying how much I've enjoyed them. In a similar situation once before he insisted I go back to the table on my own after everyone else had finished to "enjoy" the meal I'd had to abandon...
posted by raspberry-ripple at 5:40 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by raspberry-ripple at 5:40 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like no one there has ever spent any time with a toddler - including your husband - if they have the expectation that the child will sit still for four courses. Was he raised by robots?! Honestly, you've tried explaining to your husband. I would smile sweetly and say, sure dear, she's all yours! Then sit back and let him handle it. I give him ten minutes before he's handing Jnr over and and he and the parents are begging you to take her out of the room. Don't worry about seeming rude, let them ask you. Because believe me, they will.
posted by Jubey at 5:43 AM on December 24, 2015 [75 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:43 AM on December 24, 2015 [75 favorites]
I would be having my husband ask his parents what their plan was for their guest (your kid) so that they have an enjoyable Chrustmas visit. Perhaps not that archly, but "hey mom, what do you think we should do with kiddo? She's not going to sit for the whole meal".
posted by Iteki at 5:45 AM on December 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 5:45 AM on December 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I feel as though competent parents probably know how to deal with this sort of thing!
Yeah! Like not forcing a four course formal meal on a toddler! Too bad your husband's parents aren't competent.
I am so with Jubey here on this one I nearly sprained my thumb mashing the favorite button. They want you to sit and "enjoy" their meal? Awesome, have at it. Let them watch as your toddler enjoys the exciting texture adventure of roasted winter squash on a lace table cloth.
It's not your fault these people don't know how toddlers work. They're gonna have at least a few more years with a child-age grandkid; even more if you add to your family. Sounds like as good a time as any for them to figure out how to manage their own expectations and have realistic expectations for family events.
posted by phunniemee at 6:04 AM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
Yeah! Like not forcing a four course formal meal on a toddler! Too bad your husband's parents aren't competent.
I am so with Jubey here on this one I nearly sprained my thumb mashing the favorite button. They want you to sit and "enjoy" their meal? Awesome, have at it. Let them watch as your toddler enjoys the exciting texture adventure of roasted winter squash on a lace table cloth.
It's not your fault these people don't know how toddlers work. They're gonna have at least a few more years with a child-age grandkid; even more if you add to your family. Sounds like as good a time as any for them to figure out how to manage their own expectations and have realistic expectations for family events.
posted by phunniemee at 6:04 AM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
A competent mother in law would take the toddler part of the time so mommy could eat.
Ahem.
In any case what my daughter in law does which works well is give the baby tiny bites from her own plate, which a) feeds her and B) seems to entertain her. No separate baby plate to make a mess (altho I am perfectly fine with grandchild messes, because I am a reasonable human.)
If you do this or similar, once your wee sprite gets restless, just take her to another room and entertain her, let the other grownups eat, and then unfortunately, suck it up and eat cold food. But if it were me cold food is better than toddler wrangling at table with four! courses.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:12 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Ahem.
In any case what my daughter in law does which works well is give the baby tiny bites from her own plate, which a) feeds her and B) seems to entertain her. No separate baby plate to make a mess (altho I am perfectly fine with grandchild messes, because I am a reasonable human.)
If you do this or similar, once your wee sprite gets restless, just take her to another room and entertain her, let the other grownups eat, and then unfortunately, suck it up and eat cold food. But if it were me cold food is better than toddler wrangling at table with four! courses.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:12 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Ooo, just had another thought. Depending on timing of Christmas luncheon, can it be held during naptime????
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:14 AM on December 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:14 AM on December 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I would talk with my husband about boundaries a bit. He can't insist that you eat something. That is not ok. Right now he is more concerned with the potential of a perceived slight than he is with you and your comfort. Forcing you to eat a cold meal is really inappropriate. He needs to suck it up and deal with the fact that you are an autonomous adult who has the agency to decide what she eats.
posted by sockermom at 6:14 AM on December 24, 2015 [96 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 6:14 AM on December 24, 2015 [96 favorites]
I am really sympathetic to the wiggly toddler issue, but I think I'm with your husband on the sandwich=rude front. I have a small child, I entertain parents with small children frequently, sometimes even in multiple courses, and I would be pretty offended if a guest declined the meal I had worked hard to prepare and instead made a sandwich. Just take a few bites as you can, and take your husband up on the taking turns front. Most holiday food tastes pretty good cold, and if you don't get enough to eat, you can also make up a plate later.
posted by chocotaco at 6:16 AM on December 24, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by chocotaco at 6:16 AM on December 24, 2015 [15 favorites]
One other thing-I think it is sweet your husband wants to take turns with you wrangling the wee mite, don't discourage his helpfulness.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:17 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:17 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Is there a better solution?! I feel as though competent parents probably know how to deal with this sort of thing!
I think the better solution is to trade off with your husband and maybe mother-in-law. Honestly, yes, it DOES sound like a snub to not eat the meal and spend the entire time away from the table. Unless there's something you're not saying, it strikes me as fairly rude.
posted by listen, lady at 6:35 AM on December 24, 2015 [17 favorites]
I think the better solution is to trade off with your husband and maybe mother-in-law. Honestly, yes, it DOES sound like a snub to not eat the meal and spend the entire time away from the table. Unless there's something you're not saying, it strikes me as fairly rude.
posted by listen, lady at 6:35 AM on December 24, 2015 [17 favorites]
I am totally in your camp. This situation stresses me out and his parents should be more than understanding but it sounds like they are not! We had to take our 17 month old to a fancy family brunch last weekend and my sister brought her a sticker book which kept her happy in her high chair a bit longer. May want to bring sticker, crayons coloring book to see if you could eek out a few more minutes. I agree all you really want to do is eat quickly and avoid a scene but if you could enjoy the meal a bit (for your own enjoyment/plus you might be hungry) that would be good. One thing my daughter did was reach out and knock over a big fancy goblet of water on the table which was quite a disruption so make sure nothing is in baby's reach. Sometimes we're in survival mode and nobody but us understands. Good luck mama!
posted by SanSebastien at 6:47 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SanSebastien at 6:47 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bring along a babysitter and, after showing off your kid, let the sitter take charge elsewhere.
posted by Carol Anne at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Carol Anne at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
How rude of your in-laws to invite you to an event that sounds terribly stressful for both you and the child! I would actually try to eat while juggling the toddler (with the help of your husband) and stress how yummy it is and that you don't want to miss the food; resulting in spills, screams, interrupted conversations , destroyed antiques, and (hopefully!) your in-laws' realization that stuff like this doesn't work with little kids. Then reap the rewards next time when they serve dinner on paper plates in the TV room. But I'm just passive aggressive like that. Your suggestion of having a sandwich and solitary childcare sounds weird to me, like, you'd act like a hired nanny would. Your place *is* at the table, and your in-laws need to accomodate your needs. Not sure why your husband wrangling the kid makes you nervous?
posted by The Toad at 7:13 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by The Toad at 7:13 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Logistically, this may or may not be the best time to get into an argument about principles, but I'm going to put this out there:
Your husband is your partner. He is the father of this child and always will be. So it should not be "sweet" for him to help out with the kid; it is not a "favor" when he does it; it is his responsibility.
Even if your family follows traditional gender roles and believes that it is expressly the mom's job to take care of the kid, your husband should facilitate ways for that to be easier.
It's one thing if his "allegiance" lies with his parents, because they are his blood relatives. If his actions disrespect you and fail to provide you with adequate support, he is not only skipping out on his responsibilities as a partner, but as a father. When you are the caregiver for his child, and he gives your concerns the brushoff, he is also avoiding the concerns of his own child. That's not okay.
Think carefully about how you and your kid are being treated here.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [92 favorites]
Your husband is your partner. He is the father of this child and always will be. So it should not be "sweet" for him to help out with the kid; it is not a "favor" when he does it; it is his responsibility.
Even if your family follows traditional gender roles and believes that it is expressly the mom's job to take care of the kid, your husband should facilitate ways for that to be easier.
It's one thing if his "allegiance" lies with his parents, because they are his blood relatives. If his actions disrespect you and fail to provide you with adequate support, he is not only skipping out on his responsibilities as a partner, but as a father. When you are the caregiver for his child, and he gives your concerns the brushoff, he is also avoiding the concerns of his own child. That's not okay.
Think carefully about how you and your kid are being treated here.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [92 favorites]
As an in-law who has sat through holiday dinner with little ones who would (understandably) much rather go play, I think your idea for handling it is 100% correct. The switching back and forth during a single meal can be pretty disruptive.
posted by mochapickle at 7:16 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mochapickle at 7:16 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Give your in-laws what they want. Strap your child in a high chair and let her be herself. When she starts crying or throwing food casually suggest grandma take her for a moment. Put the pressure to decide on them.
Or suggest the meal be broken into two parts. At intermission, put your daughter down for a nap.
posted by AugustWest at 7:18 AM on December 24, 2015
Or suggest the meal be broken into two parts. At intermission, put your daughter down for a nap.
posted by AugustWest at 7:18 AM on December 24, 2015
It's a bit late this year but if I were ever be in the position down the road I would bring a babysitter... Good luck!
posted by flink at 7:23 AM on December 24, 2015
posted by flink at 7:23 AM on December 24, 2015
Not a snub at all to eat one course quickly and then make sure the child is entertained and not breaking anything. Your in-laws are being rude and unrealistic, as if the never had a toddler themselves.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:25 AM on December 24, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:25 AM on December 24, 2015
Best answer: You can't really decide this now. You're dealing with a toddler: there are going to be unexpected variables.
Tell your husband that you'll see how it goes with the switching off. And if it works, great! (I do understand from your question that you dislike your in-laws, would rather not eat their meal in any case, and certainly do not want to be left alone at the table with them while your husband takes care of the kid; but realistically he is right - it would be quite rude for you to use the kid as an excuse to refuse to participate in the meal at all, if other alternatives exist.)
If the switching doesn't work - if baby comes shrieking for mom, or hubs really doesn't want to get up from the table after all - then, even better. It won't have been you that decided it.
In any case, don't eat a sandwich in front of them. Seriously, that's not nice.* Eat whatever you're at the table for; and keep a quest bar in your purse in case you really are stuck away from the table for most of the meal.
*Even though it is they who are being not nice FIRST by planning a holiday celebration that obviously stresses a family with a toddler. Who does that? But their rudeness wouldn't negate yours.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Tell your husband that you'll see how it goes with the switching off. And if it works, great! (I do understand from your question that you dislike your in-laws, would rather not eat their meal in any case, and certainly do not want to be left alone at the table with them while your husband takes care of the kid; but realistically he is right - it would be quite rude for you to use the kid as an excuse to refuse to participate in the meal at all, if other alternatives exist.)
If the switching doesn't work - if baby comes shrieking for mom, or hubs really doesn't want to get up from the table after all - then, even better. It won't have been you that decided it.
In any case, don't eat a sandwich in front of them. Seriously, that's not nice.* Eat whatever you're at the table for; and keep a quest bar in your purse in case you really are stuck away from the table for most of the meal.
*Even though it is they who are being not nice FIRST by planning a holiday celebration that obviously stresses a family with a toddler. Who does that? But their rudeness wouldn't negate yours.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:26 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
You might also want to eat at home first.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:27 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:27 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I completely feel your anxiety - I am also struggling with a VERY difficult MIL. It's a very strained and uncomfortable relationship and juggling boundaries and a spouse with that relationship is like, level 10 of storming the fire-breathing dragon castle to rescue the fruit princess.
I don't have too much insight to offer as I'm going to be eagerly keeping an eye on this thread, but I think having a calm, mutual discussion with your husband is going to be critical...if you've already done this, have another. You and your husband and child are a unit above all other so it's best to all be on the same page beforehand so you can continue to be a unit at the dinner, even if not everyone shares the same opinion on what etiquette at this dinner should be.
Usually before I spend time with my in-laws I get this gut wrenching, sour anxiety. What works for me is to do a bit of soul-searching to figure out what I'm feeling so anxious about, even if it's something that has not happened or may not even happened. Write it down if it helps, even if it feels a little crazy on paper. Once I figure out what about the situation has my stomach in a knot, I talk to my husband. I usually explain that "I'm feeling anxious about our upcoming dinner because I'm worried about XYZ happening." I know it seems like a big WHAT IF scenario, but talking it out almost as a role playing scenario really helps. Then we are able to reach an agreement about what we will do/how we will manage ourselves as a couple/unit in that situation should it happen. Sometimes it does happen (usually unfortunately) but other times (rarely) they don't even come up. It does feel good to have a pre-discussed game plan though just in case and know that we are walking into crazy town with our navigation map just in case.
Maybe start there? It sounds like you've done this a little already, but another sit down talk can only help - it's important that he understands how you're feeling. He doesn't have to necessarily agree, but it's important to understand how the interaction may play out. Or, "when toddler gets squirmy, we are going to go for a walk. We aren't trying to offend anyone or not be social, but we want to keep everyone happy" etc. and while you are managing squirmy toddler, husband can manage MIL/dinner - two important jobs, both on behalf of the same unit, but divide and conquer.
As for your husband however, it sounds like a separate chat is needed independent of this dinner. If my husband insisted I eat cold food at the table after everyone was done, like a kid refusing to eat my vegetables, because I was too busy keeping the peace by managing a squirmy rugrat so as not to offend my MIL (who would probably be irreparably offended if said squirmy rug rag broke some 1920s ceramic cat sculpture)?! Hahahahaha. Ohh man. Yeah, just no. But that's a separate issue to address at another time.
Above all, keep a sense of humor (even if it's just to yourself) and promise a nice hot relaxing bath or small indulgence when you are home. Good luck. I will be thinking of you when I'm at my MIL's this holiday. We don't have kids, but I will be surrounded by equally obnoxious 1920s breakable dog and flower glass figurines.
posted by floweredfish at 7:35 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't have too much insight to offer as I'm going to be eagerly keeping an eye on this thread, but I think having a calm, mutual discussion with your husband is going to be critical...if you've already done this, have another. You and your husband and child are a unit above all other so it's best to all be on the same page beforehand so you can continue to be a unit at the dinner, even if not everyone shares the same opinion on what etiquette at this dinner should be.
Usually before I spend time with my in-laws I get this gut wrenching, sour anxiety. What works for me is to do a bit of soul-searching to figure out what I'm feeling so anxious about, even if it's something that has not happened or may not even happened. Write it down if it helps, even if it feels a little crazy on paper. Once I figure out what about the situation has my stomach in a knot, I talk to my husband. I usually explain that "I'm feeling anxious about our upcoming dinner because I'm worried about XYZ happening." I know it seems like a big WHAT IF scenario, but talking it out almost as a role playing scenario really helps. Then we are able to reach an agreement about what we will do/how we will manage ourselves as a couple/unit in that situation should it happen. Sometimes it does happen (usually unfortunately) but other times (rarely) they don't even come up. It does feel good to have a pre-discussed game plan though just in case and know that we are walking into crazy town with our navigation map just in case.
Maybe start there? It sounds like you've done this a little already, but another sit down talk can only help - it's important that he understands how you're feeling. He doesn't have to necessarily agree, but it's important to understand how the interaction may play out. Or, "when toddler gets squirmy, we are going to go for a walk. We aren't trying to offend anyone or not be social, but we want to keep everyone happy" etc. and while you are managing squirmy toddler, husband can manage MIL/dinner - two important jobs, both on behalf of the same unit, but divide and conquer.
As for your husband however, it sounds like a separate chat is needed independent of this dinner. If my husband insisted I eat cold food at the table after everyone was done, like a kid refusing to eat my vegetables, because I was too busy keeping the peace by managing a squirmy rugrat so as not to offend my MIL (who would probably be irreparably offended if said squirmy rug rag broke some 1920s ceramic cat sculpture)?! Hahahahaha. Ohh man. Yeah, just no. But that's a separate issue to address at another time.
Above all, keep a sense of humor (even if it's just to yourself) and promise a nice hot relaxing bath or small indulgence when you are home. Good luck. I will be thinking of you when I'm at my MIL's this holiday. We don't have kids, but I will be surrounded by equally obnoxious 1920s breakable dog and flower glass figurines.
posted by floweredfish at 7:35 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think your strategy for dealing with your child is just right.
If your husband is worried about the potential snubbing of your in-laws' hard work (wtf, are they not grown adults who understand what it's like to raise a toddler?) then rather than make a sandwich, make up a plate of each course, make the appropriate noises about how wonderful it is, and take it with you into the other room to play with your kiddo.
posted by gaspode at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
If your husband is worried about the potential snubbing of your in-laws' hard work (wtf, are they not grown adults who understand what it's like to raise a toddler?) then rather than make a sandwich, make up a plate of each course, make the appropriate noises about how wonderful it is, and take it with you into the other room to play with your kiddo.
posted by gaspode at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You need to struggle through this meal (and the holidays) as best you can with whatever advice you want to take from this thread. Then you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that what is rude is your hosts -- any hosts -- making no provisions for a small guest while simultaneously expecting the parents of that guest to sit and enjoy the entire meal.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:49 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:49 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would not bring or eat a sandwich - I would try to eat what you can and put a plate together for yourself when possible. I think eating a sandwich while everyone is tucking into the meal would be rude.
Here's what we've done with a squirmy toddler at a formal dinner in a house with many breakables: we switch off taking turns but also, the other relatives pitch in. By which I mean, the toddler goes from lap to lap or takes a walk with mom, then dad, then auntie, then grandpa, etc. I think your husband's plan to switch off is fine. If you don't know what to talk to your in-laws about, talk about the kid. Grandparents love that shit.
Expecting a small child to sit through a long, four course meal is unreasonable and ridiculous. If everyone is willing to be easygoing and flexible then it's really not so bad, because the kid can be entertained by others or taken for a walk or whatever. If your in-laws are old school and believe that children should be seen and not heard, then they might be in for a rude awakening.
posted by sutel at 7:54 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Here's what we've done with a squirmy toddler at a formal dinner in a house with many breakables: we switch off taking turns but also, the other relatives pitch in. By which I mean, the toddler goes from lap to lap or takes a walk with mom, then dad, then auntie, then grandpa, etc. I think your husband's plan to switch off is fine. If you don't know what to talk to your in-laws about, talk about the kid. Grandparents love that shit.
Expecting a small child to sit through a long, four course meal is unreasonable and ridiculous. If everyone is willing to be easygoing and flexible then it's really not so bad, because the kid can be entertained by others or taken for a walk or whatever. If your in-laws are old school and believe that children should be seen and not heard, then they might be in for a rude awakening.
posted by sutel at 7:54 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: what is rude is your hosts -- any hosts -- making no provisions for a small guest while simultaneously expecting the parents of that guest to sit and enjoy the entire meal.
This. Your child is not a yippy dog that you are bringing along that people have to tolorate; he is a guest, too, and it is incredibly stupid to organize a dinner that the guests are incapable of enjoying. When I invite vegan friends to a bbq, I make sure there are plenty of vegan options. When I have friends over with small children, I don't make it a formal multi-course fancy event. Your inlaws are idiots. Your husband needs to stop worrying about whether his parents will be offended that you are unable to enjoy the meal due to the toddler; his parents are the ones who should be worrying that they offended YOU by creating such a shitty environment for you to endure as guests.
posted by gatorae at 8:05 AM on December 24, 2015 [37 favorites]
This. Your child is not a yippy dog that you are bringing along that people have to tolorate; he is a guest, too, and it is incredibly stupid to organize a dinner that the guests are incapable of enjoying. When I invite vegan friends to a bbq, I make sure there are plenty of vegan options. When I have friends over with small children, I don't make it a formal multi-course fancy event. Your inlaws are idiots. Your husband needs to stop worrying about whether his parents will be offended that you are unable to enjoy the meal due to the toddler; his parents are the ones who should be worrying that they offended YOU by creating such a shitty environment for you to endure as guests.
posted by gatorae at 8:05 AM on December 24, 2015 [37 favorites]
Metafilter sometimes tends towards a "fuck the old people" slant, when it comes to adult children meeting the expectations of the older generation. Even though it's a pain in the butt for you, it's worth considering making it through this dinner on something approaching your husband's parents' terms as a gift to them to let them have the fancy holiday dinner they have imagined. And that means eating and enjoying the food they have prepared even if it is a bit of an act. You can facilitate the act by serving yourself smaller portions, and if the situation is amenable, passing kid around the table. (5 minutes in each of 6 people's laps gets you an extra half hour at the table.).
I have this on the brain right now because I'm on my way to do something very similar for my 5 year old son- at the last minute his chronically ill sister became unable to travel, so we rearranged plans so he could visit grandparents and other extended family as planned, I went back home to care for other child, and now I'm going back to spend Christmas Day with him and bring him home. I'm dying inside over a million different things (worry about other child, sad to have our family split on Christmas) but I'm going to go pretend everything is fine so he can have the Christmas he has been dreaming of for weeks. I know my parents have done equivalent things for me over the course of my life (though I don't know the details - that's the point) and I feel like it's my turn to pay them back by juggling my small kids through their holiday dinners and trying to facilitate the grandparent experience they have hoped for so much. I hope one day my son will find it in his heart to do the same for me.
But I know it's hard to be torn between the needs of two different generations, and to balance that with your allegiance to your own kid.
posted by telepanda at 8:23 AM on December 24, 2015 [20 favorites]
I have this on the brain right now because I'm on my way to do something very similar for my 5 year old son- at the last minute his chronically ill sister became unable to travel, so we rearranged plans so he could visit grandparents and other extended family as planned, I went back home to care for other child, and now I'm going back to spend Christmas Day with him and bring him home. I'm dying inside over a million different things (worry about other child, sad to have our family split on Christmas) but I'm going to go pretend everything is fine so he can have the Christmas he has been dreaming of for weeks. I know my parents have done equivalent things for me over the course of my life (though I don't know the details - that's the point) and I feel like it's my turn to pay them back by juggling my small kids through their holiday dinners and trying to facilitate the grandparent experience they have hoped for so much. I hope one day my son will find it in his heart to do the same for me.
But I know it's hard to be torn between the needs of two different generations, and to balance that with your allegiance to your own kid.
posted by telepanda at 8:23 AM on December 24, 2015 [20 favorites]
I have two kids under three. I have three more neices and nephews under 4 so this is an issue I deal with a lot. Especially as my family's expectations for holiday meal are a lot like your in-laws. I'm doing Christmas tomorrow and its 4 courses as well. For ten adults but only three kids, two of whom will eat at the table.
The way I would want this handled was a quick chat in the days before to figure out how to make this work. Tell me when nap time is and how long of a window I have. Then we can do a few hour break and then dessert. Or maybe plated starter, break to put the baby down then the rest of the meal. I probably also want to make sure none of the dishes need to be served in a very tight time and temp range.
The worst case scenario is everyone holds the screaming baby for a bit, and if mom or dad have to disappear for ten minutes - no big deal.
posted by JPD at 8:25 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
The way I would want this handled was a quick chat in the days before to figure out how to make this work. Tell me when nap time is and how long of a window I have. Then we can do a few hour break and then dessert. Or maybe plated starter, break to put the baby down then the rest of the meal. I probably also want to make sure none of the dishes need to be served in a very tight time and temp range.
The worst case scenario is everyone holds the screaming baby for a bit, and if mom or dad have to disappear for ten minutes - no big deal.
posted by JPD at 8:25 AM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can you bust out the highchair with the straps? She'll probably forget the indignity someday but you could throw $50 into her therapy fund. That way, she can have toys on her tray that might interest her. My 23-month-old daughter gets strapped into every meal.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 8:27 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 8:27 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, I had such a visceral reaction to this - I have totally been through multiple versions of this. I'm so so sorry - these people are not being reasonable (and I'm afraid I'm including your husband here).
Some ideas - Playing with a little one has a pretty frequent ebb and flow - can you take the kiddo out once they start to fuss, and then pop back in to the dining room every 15 mins or so to taste the new course as it comes out? That way you're heroically showing your interest in the food, but not actually having to weather the whole time?
I've also handed my child my phone with all manner of kiddie apps at a few of these long dinners. If anyone complained about the sound effects or my parenting, I sweetly offered that they could entertain the child, or that we could play elsewhere.
I've also worn out the kid prior to the meal with a very vigorous high stimulation play time. If they fall asleep cuddling on your lap, everyone wins. (Plus, GREAT excuse for everyone to be at your beck and call. "Can you just pour me a glass of wine? Butter my bread? Add a little more of the souffle to my plate? I don't want to jostle the babe")
Also my reaction to the idea that you were forced to go eat cold food after everyone else had finished was a very VERY loud string of expletives, and I'm reading this in a public space.
Good luck - all the best wishes that you get to have a very happy holiday.
posted by synapse at 8:39 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Some ideas - Playing with a little one has a pretty frequent ebb and flow - can you take the kiddo out once they start to fuss, and then pop back in to the dining room every 15 mins or so to taste the new course as it comes out? That way you're heroically showing your interest in the food, but not actually having to weather the whole time?
I've also handed my child my phone with all manner of kiddie apps at a few of these long dinners. If anyone complained about the sound effects or my parenting, I sweetly offered that they could entertain the child, or that we could play elsewhere.
I've also worn out the kid prior to the meal with a very vigorous high stimulation play time. If they fall asleep cuddling on your lap, everyone wins. (Plus, GREAT excuse for everyone to be at your beck and call. "Can you just pour me a glass of wine? Butter my bread? Add a little more of the souffle to my plate? I don't want to jostle the babe")
Also my reaction to the idea that you were forced to go eat cold food after everyone else had finished was a very VERY loud string of expletives, and I'm reading this in a public space.
Good luck - all the best wishes that you get to have a very happy holiday.
posted by synapse at 8:39 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
I didn't read all the answers, so apologies if this is repeating someone, but this:
you can't get out of the room without going down a little flight of steps, there's no toddler-proofing at all, and the whole place is full of valuable, breakable stuff right at her level.
is addressable, and should be addressed. Since you say it's home cooking, I am assuming this is at their (or another relative's) home. If you're not staying there, plan to get there about 20 minutes before the meal, and bring a baby gate for the steps if your little one can't handle them (or to cordon off the next room, if they can. Then do a sweep and baby-proof anything breakable from where she can reach them. If these are valuable antiques, you are doing them a favor by doing so, not upsetting the balance of their decor. If your baby is the first grandchild, they may not even have thought of the breakability of their things sitting out. Have a straightforward, smiling attitude of "Hey, I'll just move some of these so ToddlerRipple doesn't think it's a toy" and put them someplace higher -- you can even snap a photo with your phone first so you can put them back exactly where they were before you leave.
Your question sounds a bit like you see this as an us-vs-them situation, when it needs to be a we're-all-in-this-together thing. They love you, and if your husband is right, they love your toddler, and they want you all together because you're family. So your (meaning you and your husband's) job is to do the things you need to do to make that possible with what you have to work with.
Also if you are okay with your toddler having access to screens, this is what the iPad was made for.
posted by Mchelly at 8:46 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
you can't get out of the room without going down a little flight of steps, there's no toddler-proofing at all, and the whole place is full of valuable, breakable stuff right at her level.
is addressable, and should be addressed. Since you say it's home cooking, I am assuming this is at their (or another relative's) home. If you're not staying there, plan to get there about 20 minutes before the meal, and bring a baby gate for the steps if your little one can't handle them (or to cordon off the next room, if they can. Then do a sweep and baby-proof anything breakable from where she can reach them. If these are valuable antiques, you are doing them a favor by doing so, not upsetting the balance of their decor. If your baby is the first grandchild, they may not even have thought of the breakability of their things sitting out. Have a straightforward, smiling attitude of "Hey, I'll just move some of these so ToddlerRipple doesn't think it's a toy" and put them someplace higher -- you can even snap a photo with your phone first so you can put them back exactly where they were before you leave.
Your question sounds a bit like you see this as an us-vs-them situation, when it needs to be a we're-all-in-this-together thing. They love you, and if your husband is right, they love your toddler, and they want you all together because you're family. So your (meaning you and your husband's) job is to do the things you need to do to make that possible with what you have to work with.
Also if you are okay with your toddler having access to screens, this is what the iPad was made for.
posted by Mchelly at 8:46 AM on December 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: As much as I like the beauty of it, I disagree with people who say the toddler should be allowed to do her thing at the table: I suspect, from the tone of the question, that any "misbehavior" on the toddler's part will be seen as reflection of raspberry-ripple's terrible, terrible parenting, because of course Mr. raspberry-ripple never behaved like this when he was a child.
Sigh. I'm sorry. Traditionally this would've been fixed by the women (another sigh, there) in the family taking turns of more than one child, so the mothers could eat and the male relatives could not notice all the work going on in the next room, thus giving them memories of how easy parenting was and well-behaved their children were.
Think back to the emotional labor FPP, then tell Mr. raspberry-ripple he needs to put in some work. He needs to make it clear to his family that you are not going to be there the whole dinner. That you will be there as much as you can (first course? if the toddler falls asleep in the stroller, during nap time?) but that you are not going to be there the whole time and that he's fine with that, in fact he's fucking grateful that you're taking one for the team and missing so much of the delicious food so that he has a chance to catch up with his relatives.
P.S. Don't eat a sandwich. Do have a Clif bar in your purse for during the walk.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2015 [23 favorites]
Sigh. I'm sorry. Traditionally this would've been fixed by the women (another sigh, there) in the family taking turns of more than one child, so the mothers could eat and the male relatives could not notice all the work going on in the next room, thus giving them memories of how easy parenting was and well-behaved their children were.
Think back to the emotional labor FPP, then tell Mr. raspberry-ripple he needs to put in some work. He needs to make it clear to his family that you are not going to be there the whole dinner. That you will be there as much as you can (first course? if the toddler falls asleep in the stroller, during nap time?) but that you are not going to be there the whole time and that he's fine with that, in fact he's fucking grateful that you're taking one for the team and missing so much of the delicious food so that he has a chance to catch up with his relatives.
P.S. Don't eat a sandwich. Do have a Clif bar in your purse for during the walk.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:06 AM on December 24, 2015 [23 favorites]
How formal is formal? Individual courses served by servants? Or just a big dinner with the "good" china and silver? I think bringing your own sandwich and ducking out on the meal is not really going to help your relationship with your kid's grandparents. If you don't want to get a babysitter, strap the kid into the high chair and you and your husband take turns entertaining/feeding/mopping up your child.
With any luck, the kid will want to get up, go play outside and then fall asleep, just in time for dessert and after-dinner drinks.
And to assume ill-intentions or lack of interest on the part of your child's grandparents is setting yourself and your kid up for a long bout of dissatisfaction. To me, once you're married, both sets of parents are family.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
With any luck, the kid will want to get up, go play outside and then fall asleep, just in time for dessert and after-dinner drinks.
And to assume ill-intentions or lack of interest on the part of your child's grandparents is setting yourself and your kid up for a long bout of dissatisfaction. To me, once you're married, both sets of parents are family.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:15 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think finding a babysitter for Christmas Day is going to be a tall order, especially with only one day's notice.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:31 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:31 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
If your husband's issue is the sandwich only, then you know.... I agree with you emotionally in your response, but on a practical level, I really think you should try his strategy; it keeps your child safe and entertained and has everyone eating.
If the fact is you're dreading the whole thing and just want to take your toddler to a playground for the duration that's a different conversation.
Either way, radical honesty with your in-laws might help. "We're so glad to be here but I am concerned about our tot flinging food everywhere. Now, I was thinking I might just take her out, or we could...." Let them help, and if they don't, oh well. By next year it will be a different issue.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:57 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
If the fact is you're dreading the whole thing and just want to take your toddler to a playground for the duration that's a different conversation.
Either way, radical honesty with your in-laws might help. "We're so glad to be here but I am concerned about our tot flinging food everywhere. Now, I was thinking I might just take her out, or we could...." Let them help, and if they don't, oh well. By next year it will be a different issue.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:57 AM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Get some Brand New Toys and bring a new one out every time toddler starts to get fussy. Hopefully you have access to a high chair with a tray. Get toys which can be played with in that small space. Basically, treat it like a plane ride. Good luck!!
posted by thatone at 10:19 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by thatone at 10:19 AM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Eating a sandwich at the dinner table is kinda passive aggressive. Take one for the team and let your husband do the same for you at your family's house.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:22 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:22 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
You tag team taking the screaming toddler outside while the other one enjoys the meal. Bring snacks in case the salad course or whatever does not satisfy your toddler! Ignore in-laws who suggest a two year old should be able to sit through a four course meal. That is so ridiculous that it is not even worth wasting brain cells being bothered about.
posted by yarly at 10:26 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by yarly at 10:26 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree that their expectations are unreasonable and that it's your husband's job to make that point to them (I am in your husband's role in a similar dynamic with my folks.) If you do decide to play along anyway, in a perfect world you might be able to manage:
- Schedule the dinner such that toddler will be down for naptime right at the start of the meal. Maybe you're there for the opening bell, maybe you miss some of the soup/salad course getting her down.
- She wakes around the time of the main course, you bring her to the table and spend ten minutes eating your main meal with everyone, passing her around if that will really help her hang out longer.
- When you're done and/or she starts shrieking, you excuse yourselves and go for a walk that lasts through the dessert course. When you get back, hand her off to your husband and enjoy some pie which will hopefully not have been too badly affected by sitting out for a bit.
There are many ways this could fail spectacularly, but if you present it to the in-laws as your intended plan it might help them feel you are making an effort to participate in the fancy formal dinner that is so important to them that they can't modify their plans to accommodate their youngest guest. I think it's important to talk through this schedule with them and stress the need for some flexibility from them as far as starting the meal when naptime starts and timing the courses around the kid, and to make it feel like a joint effort: "Ok guys, here we go with this crazy scheme to have a big formal dinner with a toddler! It's a crazy, crazy scheme but if we all do our parts it just might work!" If things go awry you can shrug it off as kids being kids and not have it feel to them like you were just angling to avoid their cooking all along (which is exactly what packing or making a sandwich would look like, don't do that if they're sensitive about it already.)
posted by contraption at 11:30 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
- Schedule the dinner such that toddler will be down for naptime right at the start of the meal. Maybe you're there for the opening bell, maybe you miss some of the soup/salad course getting her down.
- She wakes around the time of the main course, you bring her to the table and spend ten minutes eating your main meal with everyone, passing her around if that will really help her hang out longer.
- When you're done and/or she starts shrieking, you excuse yourselves and go for a walk that lasts through the dessert course. When you get back, hand her off to your husband and enjoy some pie which will hopefully not have been too badly affected by sitting out for a bit.
There are many ways this could fail spectacularly, but if you present it to the in-laws as your intended plan it might help them feel you are making an effort to participate in the fancy formal dinner that is so important to them that they can't modify their plans to accommodate their youngest guest. I think it's important to talk through this schedule with them and stress the need for some flexibility from them as far as starting the meal when naptime starts and timing the courses around the kid, and to make it feel like a joint effort: "Ok guys, here we go with this crazy scheme to have a big formal dinner with a toddler! It's a crazy, crazy scheme but if we all do our parts it just might work!" If things go awry you can shrug it off as kids being kids and not have it feel to them like you were just angling to avoid their cooking all along (which is exactly what packing or making a sandwich would look like, don't do that if they're sensitive about it already.)
posted by contraption at 11:30 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I would definitely enthusiastically agree that the spouse person should plan to take at least half the time supervising the small squirmer. If an important part of the day is for you to pay respect to your MIL for her wonderful entertaining, then it is his job to ensure you get that time and your job to allow him to arrange it. The other thing I would suggest is to have a chat with your mother-in-law - or father-in-law, or both, and inquire how they would best like to deal with a kidlet being at an age where she might just arrive at the table in full blown over stimulation screaming toddler meltdown, let alone not being able to cope with sitting still for more than twenty minutes.
Since this is a family dinner I think the ideal thing would be for everyone at the table to take turns with your kid (and with Auntie Millicent who needs help getting up and with the dishes in the kitchen afterwards, and shoveling out the driveway so there is enough parking.) However since this is MIL's moment to shine as the great hostess not a potluck instead of bringing food contributions you bring awe, admiration, enjoyment and a phone call or two to other in laws to mention that you couldn't belive how good the boeuf Wellington was. Do not bring a sandwich, or cookies, or wine. Bring a hostess gift that your MIL will have to appreciate at some other occasion rather than share with the dinner guests. If you bring wine, she is sure to have already chosen an expensive bottle to go with each different course and you will either have brought something cheap that will taste fermented when drunk with the fish course, or worse, you will have shown her up. The good thing to do is to try to make your mother in law go to bed that night with a beaming smile on her face.
Now it is perfectly possible that your in-laws are working from wishful thinking and believe that if the little person doesn't sit there like an adorable grandchild doll it will be the fault of her Awful Mother, but it is also possible that there will be three or four people who would not mind excusing themself to go play with little one before they come back to the table. Eight adults at a two hour meal get to miss fifteen minutes each.
I remember as a very small person enjoying how my aunt and grandmother would take over from my parents at holiday occasions to help with the wrangling. (This is not because the males were too busy being men, but because there were only the aunt and grandmother, no surviving male relatives.)
If you are lucky there are a number of people attending who would like to spend time getting to know your daughter and to appreciate her with some one on one time, rather than merely appreciating the other grown ups over wine and cigarettes. I know I would want to spend some time with a small person at a party, assuming the small person would not be too shy to sit and colour with me.
But even if your MIL and other IL's do not want to help keep the small person quiet and happy, you should observe their wishes and ask them; "Would you like me to take her from the table now?" Let them decide when the squirming gets too much (unless they get mean and want her to sit there while she is wailing)
This way if your MIL will get to decide if she wants you at the table more than she wants you and the small to not be at the table. Basically, be cheerfully ready to leave the table with the small if any of the grown-ups want you to leave the table, but otherwise stay put and allow your spouse to leave the table or hold the wriggly-person or any other misguided adult who thinks toddlers are cute and are prepared to hazard their evening gown to the mercies of someone who has gravy up to the elbows. If MIL doesn't give you cues as to when she has had quite enough spoon banging and gravy spitting, your spouse's job is to say clearly, "Raspberry Honey, I think Wild Strawberry would be better off in the next room. Could you take her out while I try to stop the white sauce from dribbling into the carpet..." or even, "Dear God! Mother! I am so, so sorry! Your Georgian china platter! I didn't realise it would come off the wall!"
And then, if as it turns out the small clings to you but won't stay at the table and you only manage to eat one turkey hor d'ouvre at the beginning of the meal and one maraschino cherry off someone else's cake at the end of the meal, you get to mourn loudly, "Oh, and I missed the Beef Wellington! And the oyster soup! And the asparagus in aspic! And Mr. Raspberry-Ripple told me how good your asparagus aspic is!" And then on the way home Mr. Raspberry Ripple pays when you hit the drive-through. Or you retrieve a nearly frozen sandwich from the glove compartment and eat it in the dark after the meal on the way home, should the drive-through be closed for Christmas.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:53 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Since this is a family dinner I think the ideal thing would be for everyone at the table to take turns with your kid (and with Auntie Millicent who needs help getting up and with the dishes in the kitchen afterwards, and shoveling out the driveway so there is enough parking.) However since this is MIL's moment to shine as the great hostess not a potluck instead of bringing food contributions you bring awe, admiration, enjoyment and a phone call or two to other in laws to mention that you couldn't belive how good the boeuf Wellington was. Do not bring a sandwich, or cookies, or wine. Bring a hostess gift that your MIL will have to appreciate at some other occasion rather than share with the dinner guests. If you bring wine, she is sure to have already chosen an expensive bottle to go with each different course and you will either have brought something cheap that will taste fermented when drunk with the fish course, or worse, you will have shown her up. The good thing to do is to try to make your mother in law go to bed that night with a beaming smile on her face.
Now it is perfectly possible that your in-laws are working from wishful thinking and believe that if the little person doesn't sit there like an adorable grandchild doll it will be the fault of her Awful Mother, but it is also possible that there will be three or four people who would not mind excusing themself to go play with little one before they come back to the table. Eight adults at a two hour meal get to miss fifteen minutes each.
I remember as a very small person enjoying how my aunt and grandmother would take over from my parents at holiday occasions to help with the wrangling. (This is not because the males were too busy being men, but because there were only the aunt and grandmother, no surviving male relatives.)
If you are lucky there are a number of people attending who would like to spend time getting to know your daughter and to appreciate her with some one on one time, rather than merely appreciating the other grown ups over wine and cigarettes. I know I would want to spend some time with a small person at a party, assuming the small person would not be too shy to sit and colour with me.
But even if your MIL and other IL's do not want to help keep the small person quiet and happy, you should observe their wishes and ask them; "Would you like me to take her from the table now?" Let them decide when the squirming gets too much (unless they get mean and want her to sit there while she is wailing)
This way if your MIL will get to decide if she wants you at the table more than she wants you and the small to not be at the table. Basically, be cheerfully ready to leave the table with the small if any of the grown-ups want you to leave the table, but otherwise stay put and allow your spouse to leave the table or hold the wriggly-person or any other misguided adult who thinks toddlers are cute and are prepared to hazard their evening gown to the mercies of someone who has gravy up to the elbows. If MIL doesn't give you cues as to when she has had quite enough spoon banging and gravy spitting, your spouse's job is to say clearly, "Raspberry Honey, I think Wild Strawberry would be better off in the next room. Could you take her out while I try to stop the white sauce from dribbling into the carpet..." or even, "Dear God! Mother! I am so, so sorry! Your Georgian china platter! I didn't realise it would come off the wall!"
And then, if as it turns out the small clings to you but won't stay at the table and you only manage to eat one turkey hor d'ouvre at the beginning of the meal and one maraschino cherry off someone else's cake at the end of the meal, you get to mourn loudly, "Oh, and I missed the Beef Wellington! And the oyster soup! And the asparagus in aspic! And Mr. Raspberry-Ripple told me how good your asparagus aspic is!" And then on the way home Mr. Raspberry Ripple pays when you hit the drive-through. Or you retrieve a nearly frozen sandwich from the glove compartment and eat it in the dark after the meal on the way home, should the drive-through be closed for Christmas.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:53 AM on December 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
My advice is not to argue about this, AND PLEASE DON'T EAT A SANDWICH :))
Don't take the bait, yo!
Eat at home. Eat the leftovers they pack up for you, or whatever. Make sure your daughter is entertained away from the antiques. Hopefully, she'll nap. I would not feel comfortable with a toddler napping on a different floor from me in a house that is not baby-proofed.... I too was wondering if your husband and in-laws have ever met a toddler before. That's why I think this is "bait" and you are being set up for drama.
It's fine if you and your husband switch off, I guess, but it will be difficult to chit chat while you are trying to catch up on the food courses.
You can and should try talking calmly to your husband one last time, making reasonable points. Then just go along with whatever, as long as your daughter is kept happy and safe. Make sure you don't go hungry, because that will cause tempers to flair.
I say to you, please stay calm. Don't take this personally. For whatever reason these folks need christmas drama. Don't participate. Don't participate.
posted by jbenben at 11:57 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't take the bait, yo!
Eat at home. Eat the leftovers they pack up for you, or whatever. Make sure your daughter is entertained away from the antiques. Hopefully, she'll nap. I would not feel comfortable with a toddler napping on a different floor from me in a house that is not baby-proofed.... I too was wondering if your husband and in-laws have ever met a toddler before. That's why I think this is "bait" and you are being set up for drama.
It's fine if you and your husband switch off, I guess, but it will be difficult to chit chat while you are trying to catch up on the food courses.
You can and should try talking calmly to your husband one last time, making reasonable points. Then just go along with whatever, as long as your daughter is kept happy and safe. Make sure you don't go hungry, because that will cause tempers to flair.
I say to you, please stay calm. Don't take this personally. For whatever reason these folks need christmas drama. Don't participate. Don't participate.
posted by jbenben at 11:57 AM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Husband gets annoyed if I even suggest this as he thinks it'll offend his family (but, truthfully, it's not like they actually want to spend time with me or care what I eat, is it?
This meal is certainly the most pressing thing to address, but there's bigger issues going on here that you should try to work out with your husband sooner or later.
posted by Candleman at 11:59 AM on December 24, 2015 [15 favorites]
This meal is certainly the most pressing thing to address, but there's bigger issues going on here that you should try to work out with your husband sooner or later.
posted by Candleman at 11:59 AM on December 24, 2015 [15 favorites]
Scrooge Voice
Are there no playpens? Are there no babysitters?
You may not dig your M-I-L, but adult conversation in a lovely dining room featuring a four-course dinner is something you don't stumble upon often, I venture to guess.
I would not "eat a sandwich beforehand" when a tempting dinner that you didn't have to cook lay before you. It sounds to me that the in-laws intended this dinner to be Grown-Ups Only Time.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:38 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Are there no playpens? Are there no babysitters?
You may not dig your M-I-L, but adult conversation in a lovely dining room featuring a four-course dinner is something you don't stumble upon often, I venture to guess.
I would not "eat a sandwich beforehand" when a tempting dinner that you didn't have to cook lay before you. It sounds to me that the in-laws intended this dinner to be Grown-Ups Only Time.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:38 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
You haven't specified what time the meal is planned for, but I'd see if it's possible to schedule it in line with the baby's nap or bedtime. My family and close friend group has about 10 kids that are around 2yrs old and this is what we do and it works well. Arrive early so the grandparents have grandkid bonding time, then run the kid around outside (I think it's warm where you are) for an extended period of time, then come inside to one of the bedrooms for a [bath optional if it's part of your routine], story time, bottle, and put her down in a pack n play (if she hasn't learned to climb out of it yet). Then the adults go have dinner. If it means you have to join after the first course because the baby's taking too long to go down, then that's the way it is and they can deal. You husband must have your back for this and defend you to his death against any negative remarks from his parents.
If it's an afternoon meal, then she can have a plate of leftovers when she wakes up from her nap. Or join you for dessert. If it's an evening meal, she can eat something before going down for the night (either something from dinner that's already ready or some food that you bring for her).
Having the child be awake and calm at the table for a formal four course meal is unreasonable even if you've been specifically training her for this since birth - even the French don't expect that much from their kids. Strapping her into a high chair and letting all hell break out sounds like it would be really stressful to her (and I'm a fan of CIO sleep training).
Nthing the bullshit of "it's sweet that husband offered to 'help'" -- it's not help, it's his freaking kid too.
posted by melissasaurus at 12:40 PM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
If it's an afternoon meal, then she can have a plate of leftovers when she wakes up from her nap. Or join you for dessert. If it's an evening meal, she can eat something before going down for the night (either something from dinner that's already ready or some food that you bring for her).
Having the child be awake and calm at the table for a formal four course meal is unreasonable even if you've been specifically training her for this since birth - even the French don't expect that much from their kids. Strapping her into a high chair and letting all hell break out sounds like it would be really stressful to her (and I'm a fan of CIO sleep training).
Nthing the bullshit of "it's sweet that husband offered to 'help'" -- it's not help, it's his freaking kid too.
posted by melissasaurus at 12:40 PM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
"It sounds to me that the in-laws intended this dinner to be Grown-Ups Only Time."
That's why I am confused by both the husband and the in-laws. These three people have had 21 months to figure out that they must now accommodate a toddler. This isn't a surprise guest they will be hosting, LOL.
The lack of planning for the grandchild's/OP's/Husband's comfort as guests during this meal is a little off. I think the OP can and should remain infinitely calm in the knowledge that this isn't normal or appropriate, therefore there is no point for her to make. Outsiders are validating that this is not kind behavior towards new parents or a toddler, to expect them to juggle a four course meal without accommodating their childcare needs.
Do whatever you have to do without being snarky or passive aggressive. I don't know why these people are putting together a recipe for discomfort, but they did. Just roll with it.
Agreed some sort of calm reasonable discussion has to happen at some point with your husband. Don't ruin the holiday over this, though, it's not worth it.
posted by jbenben at 12:55 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's why I am confused by both the husband and the in-laws. These three people have had 21 months to figure out that they must now accommodate a toddler. This isn't a surprise guest they will be hosting, LOL.
The lack of planning for the grandchild's/OP's/Husband's comfort as guests during this meal is a little off. I think the OP can and should remain infinitely calm in the knowledge that this isn't normal or appropriate, therefore there is no point for her to make. Outsiders are validating that this is not kind behavior towards new parents or a toddler, to expect them to juggle a four course meal without accommodating their childcare needs.
Do whatever you have to do without being snarky or passive aggressive. I don't know why these people are putting together a recipe for discomfort, but they did. Just roll with it.
Agreed some sort of calm reasonable discussion has to happen at some point with your husband. Don't ruin the holiday over this, though, it's not worth it.
posted by jbenben at 12:55 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Good Lord, either get a sitter (if possible on Christmas) or just put your foot down. A four course meal in a formal dining room is no place for a toddler. If your in laws can't see that they're NUTS! Check with them, maybe they've anticipated the problem and have a solution. If not, feel free not to go. It's just crazy to make you and everyone else go through that. I swear, I don't know what gets in to people! There will be plenty of formal dinners for them to torture their grandchildren with once the kids are older.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:07 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:07 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
PS Let me just say to those who suggest passing the kid around for the other guests to hold and pacify, that I would very, very, VERY MUCH NOT like being expected to hold someone else's squirmy toddler while they ate. I would not like it SO much in fact, that it would not happen.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:24 PM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:24 PM on December 24, 2015 [21 favorites]
Hmmm. I am pretty sure we took wee one to multi course diners with family (maybe not for, but definitely three) and no one combusted. The key was that everyone was in it together. No one was expecting a toddler to sit quietly, hands on lap, through a long dinner. But both our families are really into family meals so in order for us all to have that experience, everyone has to give a little too get a little. Husband and I might trade off taking him for a walk or otherwise entertaining him, his grandparents and ain't and older cousin might as well. I don't ask or expect them to but if they offer I ain't gonna turn it down.
Also? Screens. All the screens. This is what screens are for, dude. Emergency iPad deployment.
posted by soren_lorensen at 2:05 PM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also? Screens. All the screens. This is what screens are for, dude. Emergency iPad deployment.
posted by soren_lorensen at 2:05 PM on December 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
WalkerWestridge said: "PS Let me just say to those who suggest passing the kid around for the other guests to hold and pacify, that I would very, very, VERY MUCH NOT like being expected to hold someone else's squirmy toddler while they ate. I would not like it SO much in fact, that it would not happen."
Good Lord, Yes. The only people who should hold little Wild Strawberry, or sit with her while she rummages under the couch downstairs or whatever she finds to amuse herself, are Raspberry Ripple and Mr. Ripple, and anyone who eagerly volunteers, "Could I please...?"
I would not suggest you ask anyone else but your co-parent to hold Little Person. But you could accept volunteers as long as it is not phrased as "Somebody better hold this child or the consomme is going to become consomme-floating island-cheesecake." Anyone who does not consider it a treat to hold the Small Person Wearing The Adorable Christmas Party Frock, or anyone whom said Small Person does not comfortably accept in attendance should be seated out of splashing range, let alone within the range where an excited bounce could impact a small skull with the underside of someone's chin and knock the older person's false teeth out.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:49 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Good Lord, Yes. The only people who should hold little Wild Strawberry, or sit with her while she rummages under the couch downstairs or whatever she finds to amuse herself, are Raspberry Ripple and Mr. Ripple, and anyone who eagerly volunteers, "Could I please...?"
I would not suggest you ask anyone else but your co-parent to hold Little Person. But you could accept volunteers as long as it is not phrased as "Somebody better hold this child or the consomme is going to become consomme-floating island-cheesecake." Anyone who does not consider it a treat to hold the Small Person Wearing The Adorable Christmas Party Frock, or anyone whom said Small Person does not comfortably accept in attendance should be seated out of splashing range, let alone within the range where an excited bounce could impact a small skull with the underside of someone's chin and knock the older person's false teeth out.
posted by Jane the Brown at 2:49 PM on December 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's parents and grandparents people.
posted by JPD at 3:12 PM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by JPD at 3:12 PM on December 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
(My "sweet" comment was simply to point out that it's nice to see a man who takes initiative in this area because so many still do NOT. Plus my generation was way less sweet back in the day.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:13 PM on December 24, 2015
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:13 PM on December 24, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks so so much for all your input. Absolutely there are underlying issues here - there always have been - but I've given up hope of getting anywhere with them!
My in-laws are (mostly) nice people, but they are terribly, terribly formal (as in "toilet" is a rude word and the (adult) kids call their parents Mummy and Daddy because Mum and Dad are "too common") and everyone in the family is a Very Serious Intellectual. When our little one was much smaller and they were planning to celebrate one of their birthdays, husband pointed out that if they went to a posh restaurant he wouldn't be able to bring her or me and they decided to go anyway. So, well, there's that.
They do also know that this sort of thing doesn't work, because they've tried to do it before (and I should point out that my husband's insistence that I ate was partly misguided concern: I'd rather not eat at all than eat uncomfortably, but he doesn't get that); cooking is one of FIL's hobbies though so we sort of have to go along with it.
Anyway. To me it makes more sense for us each to have one Christmas meal we enjoy properly and one where we're entirely prey to the whims of our offspring than for us both to have two meals constantly interrupted by us taking turns. Especially as, as some of you have suggested, him leaving me to "relax" with the rest of his family isn't a prospect I relish anyway: keeping my little one occupied and catching various bits of food before they hit the floor places such cognitive demands on me that avoiding saying anything stupid - which is all I think about when I'm with them - becomes a real challenge.
The timing of the meal is non-negotiable so napping won't work; moving valuables and toddler-proofing is a nice idea but similarly a no-go. And I have to be honest, I'm utterly perplexed by the idea of hiring a babysitter. Do people really do that at Christmas?!
I think what would work and might be acceptable would be skipping the first course, small person and I sitting down for the main course, and me wolfing down as much as possible before she gets fed up, then disappearing with her and possibly having another go (after she's had a break) in time for pudding. We will develop a proper strategy on the way there.
Fortunately it's only one day and then we can go to my parents' where our little darling can laugh at us burping, smear Dairylea up the walls, and run around naked. Thank you for confirming that I'm not being unreasonable here - and Jane the Brown, thank you for helping me see the funny side of it! Hoping your Christmases are easier than mine will be...!
posted by raspberry-ripple at 3:54 PM on December 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
My in-laws are (mostly) nice people, but they are terribly, terribly formal (as in "toilet" is a rude word and the (adult) kids call their parents Mummy and Daddy because Mum and Dad are "too common") and everyone in the family is a Very Serious Intellectual. When our little one was much smaller and they were planning to celebrate one of their birthdays, husband pointed out that if they went to a posh restaurant he wouldn't be able to bring her or me and they decided to go anyway. So, well, there's that.
They do also know that this sort of thing doesn't work, because they've tried to do it before (and I should point out that my husband's insistence that I ate was partly misguided concern: I'd rather not eat at all than eat uncomfortably, but he doesn't get that); cooking is one of FIL's hobbies though so we sort of have to go along with it.
Anyway. To me it makes more sense for us each to have one Christmas meal we enjoy properly and one where we're entirely prey to the whims of our offspring than for us both to have two meals constantly interrupted by us taking turns. Especially as, as some of you have suggested, him leaving me to "relax" with the rest of his family isn't a prospect I relish anyway: keeping my little one occupied and catching various bits of food before they hit the floor places such cognitive demands on me that avoiding saying anything stupid - which is all I think about when I'm with them - becomes a real challenge.
The timing of the meal is non-negotiable so napping won't work; moving valuables and toddler-proofing is a nice idea but similarly a no-go. And I have to be honest, I'm utterly perplexed by the idea of hiring a babysitter. Do people really do that at Christmas?!
I think what would work and might be acceptable would be skipping the first course, small person and I sitting down for the main course, and me wolfing down as much as possible before she gets fed up, then disappearing with her and possibly having another go (after she's had a break) in time for pudding. We will develop a proper strategy on the way there.
Fortunately it's only one day and then we can go to my parents' where our little darling can laugh at us burping, smear Dairylea up the walls, and run around naked. Thank you for confirming that I'm not being unreasonable here - and Jane the Brown, thank you for helping me see the funny side of it! Hoping your Christmases are easier than mine will be...!
posted by raspberry-ripple at 3:54 PM on December 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
The kind of formality your in-laws aspire to is a lifestyle only possible with a large contingent of hidden servants. Here in 2015, they either have to engage the well-compensated services of skilled and dedicated people to get them the unrealistic experiences they want, or drop a lot of pretense and attempt to preserve the aspects of their formality that actually give them value. Basically, the only way to make their expectations work is to pay for servants, or treat you and their son as servants.
Obviously it is too late to salvage your day tomorrow, but were I you I would politely inquire where the help is and if they have deigned to give them the holiday off, and next time call ahead and ask if they would like to pay your sitter directly or via your husband.
Okay but seriously though, there is plenty of variety and excitement in a festive multi course meal to interest a toddler as long as they are good eaters, have some toys or activities, and they don't have unrealistic expectations of formality and quiet. Is it possible that having this luncheon at home with only your family is their hamfisted attempt at compromise instead of going somewhere fancy where a breech in etiquette would be "public"? Even squirmy toddlers won't be hurt by a chance to experience fancy dining, so maybe you can approach it as a learning time with all sorts of sensory stuff for your kid. If she has a meltdown, it'll be in a private home, at least.
I would definitely bring a baby gate or something for those stairs though, that sounds kind of dangerous and safety is just non-negotiable, you know? If it doesn't go with the decor, wrap some tinsel around it and call it cheerful.
posted by Mizu at 6:40 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Obviously it is too late to salvage your day tomorrow, but were I you I would politely inquire where the help is and if they have deigned to give them the holiday off, and next time call ahead and ask if they would like to pay your sitter directly or via your husband.
Okay but seriously though, there is plenty of variety and excitement in a festive multi course meal to interest a toddler as long as they are good eaters, have some toys or activities, and they don't have unrealistic expectations of formality and quiet. Is it possible that having this luncheon at home with only your family is their hamfisted attempt at compromise instead of going somewhere fancy where a breech in etiquette would be "public"? Even squirmy toddlers won't be hurt by a chance to experience fancy dining, so maybe you can approach it as a learning time with all sorts of sensory stuff for your kid. If she has a meltdown, it'll be in a private home, at least.
I would definitely bring a baby gate or something for those stairs though, that sounds kind of dangerous and safety is just non-negotiable, you know? If it doesn't go with the decor, wrap some tinsel around it and call it cheerful.
posted by Mizu at 6:40 PM on December 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
If they are serving formally and in courses then an active toddler will throw that off in any circumstance. Ducking in and out for specific courses is better than holding up the entire process but still a bit of a problem. Who is your conversation partner going to speak to when there's an empty seat?
Best case, is there an appropriately aged cousin/niece/nephew that might care for the child during dinner? Your in-laws are assuming that there are staff in service or sugarplum fairies raising your child.
Even if you don't think his plan is the best, why not let your husband dictate how it will go? Then you can say to your in-laws "Mr raspberry-ripple decided this would be best." It's his family and his flavor of crazy. Let him decide how navigate.
posted by 26.2 at 9:30 PM on December 24, 2015
Best case, is there an appropriately aged cousin/niece/nephew that might care for the child during dinner? Your in-laws are assuming that there are staff in service or sugarplum fairies raising your child.
Even if you don't think his plan is the best, why not let your husband dictate how it will go? Then you can say to your in-laws "Mr raspberry-ripple decided this would be best." It's his family and his flavor of crazy. Let him decide how navigate.
posted by 26.2 at 9:30 PM on December 24, 2015
Let us know how it went!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:56 PM on December 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for asking! It was endured, with no breakages and minimal potato-carpet contact. The first few hours were a bit hellish: too many people in too small a space, plus Wild Strawberry's baby cousin was there, so there was added pressure to keep the noise down and ensure she didn't hug the baby to within an inch of its life; once she got bored hanging out with everyone else I basically followed her round the house and garden (both of which are a kind of toddler deathtrap minefield) until the main course, which I managed to eat most of (by candlelight, lol) before Wild Strawberry did her customary theatrical bib-removal which usually means there's no keeping her at the table any longer. I was terribly proud of her, she is a joyous and spectacularly good-natured little pixie, and she coped with a pretty overwhelming situation, well, better than I did. Thanks so much again for all your advice: lots for me to think about, even after the event!
posted by raspberry-ripple at 12:41 PM on December 26, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by raspberry-ripple at 12:41 PM on December 26, 2015 [15 favorites]
Thanks for the update! (and your little pixie sounds like my oldest granddaughter, and close to the same age.)
May your inlaws wash the starch out of their stuffing before next year!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:48 PM on December 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
May your inlaws wash the starch out of their stuffing before next year!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:48 PM on December 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Kalmya at 5:00 AM on December 24, 2015 [7 favorites]