How can I talk more?
December 21, 2015 9:46 AM Subscribe
When I am shy, my mind goes blank and I can't keep asking questions forever, I'd like to learn to give my opinion, especially with guys I'm dating and their friends.
I've been seeing a really nice guy who's pursued me for almost a year and now we are dating. Now that I fancy him, my mind goes blank! I am generally a quiet person anyway who talks when I have something meaningful to say but otherwise will listen. I'd like to be one of those women who can just talk and say things from the top of their head. I do talk more when I feel comfortable such as with my friends, then I crack jokes and am quirky.
I have moved around a lot, and am now living in London. The guy I'm seeing is a true Londoner, lives in a Victorian house and has lots of intellectual books, dresses from old vintage shops and is a writer. His Friends are all super 'cool' and talk about things I can't keep up with such as people I don't know or even politicians I don't know (I do read the news a lot but they go very in depth). Also it's their culture not to ask questions, but just talk, even their jokes are hard for me to understand and I just feel like I'm boring. So I keep quiet or I ask questions to try to be in the group.
With the guy also, we are very different but we like each other a lot, in fact I haven't felt like this for a long time. But sometimes conversation is difficult although I know it is not the only form of communication.
Any advice on how to be more talkative? Not only with him, but in general as well. I've read how to influence people, and I also ask questions but I'm really bad at offering my opinion. Thank you in advance.
I've been seeing a really nice guy who's pursued me for almost a year and now we are dating. Now that I fancy him, my mind goes blank! I am generally a quiet person anyway who talks when I have something meaningful to say but otherwise will listen. I'd like to be one of those women who can just talk and say things from the top of their head. I do talk more when I feel comfortable such as with my friends, then I crack jokes and am quirky.
I have moved around a lot, and am now living in London. The guy I'm seeing is a true Londoner, lives in a Victorian house and has lots of intellectual books, dresses from old vintage shops and is a writer. His Friends are all super 'cool' and talk about things I can't keep up with such as people I don't know or even politicians I don't know (I do read the news a lot but they go very in depth). Also it's their culture not to ask questions, but just talk, even their jokes are hard for me to understand and I just feel like I'm boring. So I keep quiet or I ask questions to try to be in the group.
With the guy also, we are very different but we like each other a lot, in fact I haven't felt like this for a long time. But sometimes conversation is difficult although I know it is not the only form of communication.
Any advice on how to be more talkative? Not only with him, but in general as well. I've read how to influence people, and I also ask questions but I'm really bad at offering my opinion. Thank you in advance.
Take improv classes and go to open improv jams. There is nothing like it for teaching your physical and emotional self to a) listen hard b) respond without hesitation. You have to do it on a stage/in a room with other people, though, you can't learn it from a book. It's the only way to get over that horrible fear of stepping out into the spotlight and really exercises the listening muscles.
But, also beware of pretentious people. What you describe skirts a fine edge of being a thing you will never be allowed to win or belong to just because they don't want to let you in.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
But, also beware of pretentious people. What you describe skirts a fine edge of being a thing you will never be allowed to win or belong to just because they don't want to let you in.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:56 AM on December 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Not to say that this is definitely the case, but keep your mind open to the idea that maybe you're not super-compatible with this guy?
For me... in some company I feel really talkative, can express myself and my opinions easily. In other company... not so much. A lot can depend on whether you're given a voice, and space to use it. Maybe his friend group are really tight and it will take you a while to generate the confidence to step in and join the flow (think of it like starting a new team sport - it's ok just to sit quietly and watch for a while, you can join in when you're ready). Or maybe they (or he) are not making space for you.
Either way, perhaps don't get too hung up on this guy too quickly - I get the sense that you might be telling yourself he's really awesome to convince yourself it's a good idea to date him, but it could be too soon to tell yet. He might not be quite right for you - wait and see, and pay attention to how he makes you feel.
posted by greenish at 10:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
For me... in some company I feel really talkative, can express myself and my opinions easily. In other company... not so much. A lot can depend on whether you're given a voice, and space to use it. Maybe his friend group are really tight and it will take you a while to generate the confidence to step in and join the flow (think of it like starting a new team sport - it's ok just to sit quietly and watch for a while, you can join in when you're ready). Or maybe they (or he) are not making space for you.
Either way, perhaps don't get too hung up on this guy too quickly - I get the sense that you might be telling yourself he's really awesome to convince yourself it's a good idea to date him, but it could be too soon to tell yet. He might not be quite right for you - wait and see, and pay attention to how he makes you feel.
posted by greenish at 10:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
If you're not British and he and his friends are, there's a massive cultural barrier there; they'll have a ton of common references that you won't. You cannot fake this, but if they keep mentioning a person or a thing you should feel fine about asking "Why are Esther Rantzen's teeth funny?"* or whatever. Find out more about their world!
*I'm not British but I've listened to enough Radio Four to know Esther Rantzen's teeth are always good for a laugh. I don't even know why.
posted by zadcat at 10:31 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
*I'm not British but I've listened to enough Radio Four to know Esther Rantzen's teeth are always good for a laugh. I don't even know why.
posted by zadcat at 10:31 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
[english teeth. for my generation, dental care was free, but did not include cosmetic surgery. these days what is considered "standard" was then "cosmetic". hence.]
posted by andrewcooke at 11:01 AM on December 21, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 11:01 AM on December 21, 2015
Ask your boyfriend about the cultural references. When I first met my guy I was often intimidated by his erudite and obscure references, and would too often nod and smile. Now that we know each other and he's made it clear that he wants to include me in the joke, I'll ask who that rock n' roller / artist / policy wonk is, and we both genuinely enjoy the conversation that ensues. He knows a ton and I love learning from him, and then we both enjoy looking up answers to our follow-up questions and discussing the topic more in-depth.
posted by ldthomps at 12:52 PM on December 21, 2015
posted by ldthomps at 12:52 PM on December 21, 2015
I don't think there's anything wrong with being quiet, and I'm sure he didn't think so either if he pursued you for a year! Don't be hard on yourself.
Maybe you do better in one-on-one or smaller group settings? If so, maybe you can suggest something like that to get to know his friends better in smaller groups first?
posted by watrlily at 6:32 PM on December 21, 2015
Maybe you do better in one-on-one or smaller group settings? If so, maybe you can suggest something like that to get to know his friends better in smaller groups first?
posted by watrlily at 6:32 PM on December 21, 2015
I'd like to give you a deeper answer, but to be honest: coffee.
posted by thetortoise at 4:20 AM on December 22, 2015
posted by thetortoise at 4:20 AM on December 22, 2015
Best answer: This might sound like a silly suggestion, but I think it may have played a part of a big social/conversational transformation for me a few years ago.
I found a podcast I really liked that featured two hosts having very funny, engaging conversations with each other. I found it so entertaining that I started listening to it nearly constantly (at home, at work, in the car). After awhile, I noticed another benefit to the binge listening beyond entertainment.
Over time, I had subconsciously picked up some of their conversational style--the confidence, the humor, the storytelling rhythms, etc. Eventually, I found that I was better conversationalist than I was before, and I think it had a lot to do with listening to so many hours of great recorded conversation. Kind of like the "learn a language while you sleep tapes," I guess, haha.
I don't know if this would work for others, or if there are enough good discussion shows for everyone to find a show that appeals to them. But maybe worth a look at what's out there?
Another thing I sometimes do as a mental exercise is try to vocalize something vague or complex, only to myself. When I find myself alone, I sometimes think about (or even speak aloud) what I might say if I wanted to describe something that by its nature is really hard to describe.
I might take something specific that holds meaning for me and try to explain my feelings about it. "What does the winter air smell like? Why does the scent make me happy?"
I rarely arrive at any clear, declarative statement that sums up the topic I'm thinking of. But I do feel like I get to have fun thinking in a conversational voice, which seems to make it easier for me to think quicker and feel calmer when talking with people who can be hard to keep up with.
posted by banal retentive at 5:25 AM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
I found a podcast I really liked that featured two hosts having very funny, engaging conversations with each other. I found it so entertaining that I started listening to it nearly constantly (at home, at work, in the car). After awhile, I noticed another benefit to the binge listening beyond entertainment.
Over time, I had subconsciously picked up some of their conversational style--the confidence, the humor, the storytelling rhythms, etc. Eventually, I found that I was better conversationalist than I was before, and I think it had a lot to do with listening to so many hours of great recorded conversation. Kind of like the "learn a language while you sleep tapes," I guess, haha.
I don't know if this would work for others, or if there are enough good discussion shows for everyone to find a show that appeals to them. But maybe worth a look at what's out there?
Another thing I sometimes do as a mental exercise is try to vocalize something vague or complex, only to myself. When I find myself alone, I sometimes think about (or even speak aloud) what I might say if I wanted to describe something that by its nature is really hard to describe.
I might take something specific that holds meaning for me and try to explain my feelings about it. "What does the winter air smell like? Why does the scent make me happy?"
I rarely arrive at any clear, declarative statement that sums up the topic I'm thinking of. But I do feel like I get to have fun thinking in a conversational voice, which seems to make it easier for me to think quicker and feel calmer when talking with people who can be hard to keep up with.
posted by banal retentive at 5:25 AM on December 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Wonderful answers, thank you. I've purchased the book Ruthless Bunny suggested.
What is the podcast you listened to banal retentive?
posted by akita at 10:20 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
What is the podcast you listened to banal retentive?
posted by akita at 10:20 AM on December 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
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When I first started dating Husbunny, he had terrible social anxiety and we'd walk into parties and I'd tell the host or hostess, "Husbunny is a bit intimidated, if he gets overwhelmed, can he go into the den to read?" Everyone was really nice about it and once he felt comfortable with all my buds, he started coming out of his shell. We all met him where he was and gave him the time to get acclimated and it was well worth it. My friends and family love him and think of him as one of the wittiest people they know."
Give yourself some room to get comfortable with this gang. Trust me, they don't think you're boring, they think you're AWESOME because you're a fantastic audience. I'm quite yappy myself, and I adore entertaining others with my hilarious stories. I try to remember to give folks a chance to talk too, but if they seem shy, I'm more than willing to do my share of the talking.
As for 1:1 time with your guy, ask him really important questions, thought experiments, with real thoughtful responses needed. I hate the title, but I love the book, "How to Marry the Man of your Choice" because it teaches you not to chit-chat, but to connect to others on a deeper level.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:55 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]