Middle-aged geek dating in London
December 17, 2015 5:19 PM Subscribe
A friend of mine is spinning his wheels in trying to find love in London. I've tried to help, but I'm long out of the scene and the obvious stuff isn't going well. Can London (or other) MeFites suggest some new avenues?
One of my best friends is single, late 40s and looking for a long-term lady. He is a splendid fellow, very competent in life skills, outgoing, independent and in good shape for his age. He's also very intelligent and perceptive, and a classic old-school geek (runs his own IT consultancy, has a comprehensive SF novel collection, hugely into science, has own microscope plus a collection of fine geeky bits and pieces) and has a delightfully oblique yet humane take on the world - he's volunteered for various roles in local education and offender support, and knows how to sally forth and do battle with officialdom. Impeccably intellectual-left-liberal Guardianista-Radio4ite
He's also mildly eccentric. In mannerisms and speech, he's... well, Pythonesque. There's more than a dash of ADHD in the mix, but emotionally he's stable (and very Hampstead Britsh Male). He does tend to go through mild obsessive phases with things like gardening but sticks with them after the first flush dies down.
So, where should he be looking for a pool of sympatico women? Online dating hasn't gone well, his profile results in a lot of dates from a mix of very reasonable professionals (medicos feature particularly highly, and personally I think that's promising), but they never go anywhere. Yes, he's tried the Guardian's dating service. TBH, it 's hard to know what you could say in a profile that would convey the phenomenon of meeting him for the first time. I think he needs to find the right social situation where he can let people get to know him. His social set has few available candidates and is quite family-based to boot, plus it's thinning out as his peers are tending to leave London.
Suggestions welcome - not just from Londoners, as I suspect NY/SF dynamics for this demographic may have useful resonances.
One of my best friends is single, late 40s and looking for a long-term lady. He is a splendid fellow, very competent in life skills, outgoing, independent and in good shape for his age. He's also very intelligent and perceptive, and a classic old-school geek (runs his own IT consultancy, has a comprehensive SF novel collection, hugely into science, has own microscope plus a collection of fine geeky bits and pieces) and has a delightfully oblique yet humane take on the world - he's volunteered for various roles in local education and offender support, and knows how to sally forth and do battle with officialdom. Impeccably intellectual-left-liberal Guardianista-Radio4ite
He's also mildly eccentric. In mannerisms and speech, he's... well, Pythonesque. There's more than a dash of ADHD in the mix, but emotionally he's stable (and very Hampstead Britsh Male). He does tend to go through mild obsessive phases with things like gardening but sticks with them after the first flush dies down.
So, where should he be looking for a pool of sympatico women? Online dating hasn't gone well, his profile results in a lot of dates from a mix of very reasonable professionals (medicos feature particularly highly, and personally I think that's promising), but they never go anywhere. Yes, he's tried the Guardian's dating service. TBH, it 's hard to know what you could say in a profile that would convey the phenomenon of meeting him for the first time. I think he needs to find the right social situation where he can let people get to know him. His social set has few available candidates and is quite family-based to boot, plus it's thinning out as his peers are tending to leave London.
Suggestions welcome - not just from Londoners, as I suspect NY/SF dynamics for this demographic may have useful resonances.
Also...and I say it because I've been there...has he gotten laid recently? If that's his thing? I am not a huge fan of casual sex, either, but it sure does make you chill out on a date if you know that this is not, ahem, your only option.
posted by 8603 at 5:34 PM on December 17, 2015
posted by 8603 at 5:34 PM on December 17, 2015
Does he write well and therefore show exactly how odd he is, but in an appealing way?
I thought immediately of the collection of dating profiles that have appeared in the London Review of Books: They Call Me Naughty Lola. Might be inspiration for writing an ad that does just this (and I think the LRB still accepts personal ads).
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:40 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I thought immediately of the collection of dating profiles that have appeared in the London Review of Books: They Call Me Naughty Lola. Might be inspiration for writing an ad that does just this (and I think the LRB still accepts personal ads).
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:40 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
In mannerisms and speech, he's... well, Pythonesque. There's more than a dash of ADHD in the mix, but emotionally he's stable (and very Hampstead Britsh Male). He does tend to go through mild obsessive phases with things like gardening but sticks with them after the first flush dies down.
Is he able to offer his attention to and engage with his dates?
Meeting people through shared interests might be a possibility, if there are some structured opportunities for that, but I think that although some people might be more patient with an unusual communication style than others (and may find surrealistic riffing entertaining), in general, potential partners in London, NYC, SF, pretty much everywhere want to feel they're being heard, to some degree, and hope for at least some mutuality in conversation.
If he struggles to facilitate this on a first date, I think it might help him to work on developing some skills in that direction, if possible.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:42 PM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is he able to offer his attention to and engage with his dates?
Meeting people through shared interests might be a possibility, if there are some structured opportunities for that, but I think that although some people might be more patient with an unusual communication style than others (and may find surrealistic riffing entertaining), in general, potential partners in London, NYC, SF, pretty much everywhere want to feel they're being heard, to some degree, and hope for at least some mutuality in conversation.
If he struggles to facilitate this on a first date, I think it might help him to work on developing some skills in that direction, if possible.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:42 PM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, and sorry to ask-- what kind of partner is he looking for? I ask this because I have a good friend here who said something similar (similar profile, btw) and I felt quite bad for him and was thinking how to introduce him to some of my many hiking friends who would appreciate eccentricity. But when it came down to it, he told me he was actually looking for younger women ("I just like them better. They're not so set in their ways.") and upon conversation, it turned out that in his dating profile, he was setting the age range he was looking for from 32-42.
(Not that younger women can't go for geeky guys, but he was *seriously* limiting the pool by insisting on younger women who were open to his interests...)
posted by frumiousb at 6:03 PM on December 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
(Not that younger women can't go for geeky guys, but he was *seriously* limiting the pool by insisting on younger women who were open to his interests...)
posted by frumiousb at 6:03 PM on December 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
There's lots of geeky groups on meetup.com in London and there's often a 'singles' type vibe going to meetups here I've found.
posted by ninjablob at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2015
posted by ninjablob at 6:51 PM on December 17, 2015
In addition to the great advice above, I also ask about his past relationships: what were they like, and how were his exes? The fact that he's getting so many first dates is a sign that his online dating profile was surely OK even if it didn't yield the results he had hoped for. You know, for all of the sweet success stories for online dating, there are also plenty of great people for whom it just isn't the best fit. Finding a partner is hard and I think it can actually sometimes be harder in big cities; more people mean more options but that still doesn't always bring the right match.
Would he consider casting a wider net geographically, especially since you mention that many of his peers are moving out of the city? It seems like he might find his female counterpart living in a more rural area or different region, and weekend meet-ups for mucking around in the garden and the like could be perfect. Long-distance relationships can be great: they can be hard but generally stay romantic and seem to suit eccentric folks, myself included, who are independent and like doing their own thing in their own space much of the time.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:41 PM on December 17, 2015
Would he consider casting a wider net geographically, especially since you mention that many of his peers are moving out of the city? It seems like he might find his female counterpart living in a more rural area or different region, and weekend meet-ups for mucking around in the garden and the like could be perfect. Long-distance relationships can be great: they can be hard but generally stay romantic and seem to suit eccentric folks, myself included, who are independent and like doing their own thing in their own space much of the time.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:41 PM on December 17, 2015
Seconding frumiousb. In my experience, it is extremely common for people to complain that they're not meeting anyone when what it really turns out to be is that they're not meeting anyone who *fits their too-narrow requirements for a romantic prospect*.
Men of his age seem especially prone to focusing only on young women, and utterly ignoring women their own age. People are also prone to minimizing their own flaws and expecting perfection when they themselves are far from perfect. Have any of these first dates been with older women? Larger or not-conventionally-attractive women? Socially awkward women? If not, he's dating "out of his league", to use the crass terminology.
In my experience, people are extremely resistant to ever acknowledging this. I've watched certain persons continue to exhibit this behaviour year after year, with predictable results. I don't know what the fix is for this, other than maybe a good hard slap in the face.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Men of his age seem especially prone to focusing only on young women, and utterly ignoring women their own age. People are also prone to minimizing their own flaws and expecting perfection when they themselves are far from perfect. Have any of these first dates been with older women? Larger or not-conventionally-attractive women? Socially awkward women? If not, he's dating "out of his league", to use the crass terminology.
In my experience, people are extremely resistant to ever acknowledging this. I've watched certain persons continue to exhibit this behaviour year after year, with predictable results. I don't know what the fix is for this, other than maybe a good hard slap in the face.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
In his shoes, I would try going to SFF cons, local card game meetups, and other similar geeky meetups. I'm not saying that he should go there and hit on women, but he's more likely to find like-minded women who share his interests and expand his community.
He also just simply might be up against the numbers aspect of finding a relationship via online dating. Online dating can be so frustrating and demoralizing. It took me quite some time and many, many dates to find someone for a good relationship--but it was worth the wait.
posted by so much modern time at 10:16 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
He also just simply might be up against the numbers aspect of finding a relationship via online dating. Online dating can be so frustrating and demoralizing. It took me quite some time and many, many dates to find someone for a good relationship--but it was worth the wait.
posted by so much modern time at 10:16 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Would he consider casting a wider net geographically, especially since you mention that many of his peers are moving out of the city? It seems like he might find his female counterpart living in a more rural area or different region...
Yeah, if this kind of man were in Paris I would jump at the chance to meet. I have quite similar quirks and online dating has been such a wash that I simply quit using it. Haven't met anyone who's clicked in real life, so can't claim anecdotal success. But hey, if he wouldn't mind a 40-year-old pen pal in Paris...
Otherwise it's a lot of "keep on keeping on." Quirky upstanding people who go to bat for others tend to have a harder time of it; many of my friends say it's specifically because others form an opinion right off the bat and then can't or just don't want to spend the energy reconciling it with the variety of other traits. A lot of people really are looking for someone who fits an idea – like, the commenters here wondering if he's doing that? Consider it from the other direction too. People who are comfortable being multi-faceted and passionate about the many things they love are going to be gently overlooked by people seeking someone who "fits the bill", which does often mean people who may be just as multi-faceted, but who are better at presenting themselves as A Particular Sort Of Person socially. I've never been able to do that. Friends and colleagues love (and tease) me for it, but as soon as dating-minded men get a whiff that I not only Do Thing, but also studied literature, and make Pythonesque jokes, and garden, and cycle, and crochet, and sew, and defend my teams against corporate minotaurs and gorgons, and tend to talk about all of it normally without a second thought which then comes across a bit ADD (which it probably is, ha)... well they look elsewhere. And that's okay. All you need is to meet one right person. god i've been single eleven years and just rolled my eyes at myself, but it's still true.
posted by fraula at 1:16 PM on December 18, 2015
Yeah, if this kind of man were in Paris I would jump at the chance to meet. I have quite similar quirks and online dating has been such a wash that I simply quit using it. Haven't met anyone who's clicked in real life, so can't claim anecdotal success. But hey, if he wouldn't mind a 40-year-old pen pal in Paris...
Otherwise it's a lot of "keep on keeping on." Quirky upstanding people who go to bat for others tend to have a harder time of it; many of my friends say it's specifically because others form an opinion right off the bat and then can't or just don't want to spend the energy reconciling it with the variety of other traits. A lot of people really are looking for someone who fits an idea – like, the commenters here wondering if he's doing that? Consider it from the other direction too. People who are comfortable being multi-faceted and passionate about the many things they love are going to be gently overlooked by people seeking someone who "fits the bill", which does often mean people who may be just as multi-faceted, but who are better at presenting themselves as A Particular Sort Of Person socially. I've never been able to do that. Friends and colleagues love (and tease) me for it, but as soon as dating-minded men get a whiff that I not only Do Thing, but also studied literature, and make Pythonesque jokes, and garden, and cycle, and crochet, and sew, and defend my teams against corporate minotaurs and gorgons, and tend to talk about all of it normally without a second thought which then comes across a bit ADD (which it probably is, ha)... well they look elsewhere. And that's okay. All you need is to meet one right person. god i've been single eleven years and just rolled my eyes at myself, but it's still true.
posted by fraula at 1:16 PM on December 18, 2015
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Two things come to mind...is he perhaps more than mildly eccentric? That does not bother me, as I am on the fine line between weird and very weird, but if he gets initial interest that doesn't go anywhere, maybe he puts out an *extremely* weird vibe on dates.
TBH, it's hard to know what you could say in a profile that would convey the phenomenon of meeting him for the first time.
Is he stone cold honest on his profile? Does he write well and therefore show exactly how odd he is, but in an appealing way? Because a nutty profile will attract the right ones, IME, while putting off a lot of the women who might be presently dissing him after a first date. I don't mean fancy pop culture allusions and all that, I just mean laying it all out, even if it takes many words.
posted by 8603 at 5:32 PM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]