Feeling ambivalent about my relationship, but I don't know how to say so
December 17, 2015 12:57 AM Subscribe
In recent weeks I've started to notice that I've become ambivalent about my relationship with my GF. Recently she was away for a weekend and I realised that I didn't miss her all that much. I think that I need to talk to her about this but I don't know how to do it fairly and kindly.
We've been together, on and off, for a couple of years. You can read my posting history for more details (and for many suggestions that I should break up with her, which I ignored because after my marriage failed I really wanted to make this relationship work.
When we're together we're happy enough.We recently went from having a long distance (300 mile) to a short distance (25 mile) relationship, and for a while that seemed to make everything so much better. We typically see each other three times a week, and then spend the weekend together (although a couple of family crises have prevented us from having the weekends we'd planned recently). We've been looking at moving closer together -- actually I've been looking at renting the house next to hers; she owns hers but it's too small for all our stuff. This, too, has triggered some ambivalence. The place is nice enough and she's excited about the prospect of me moving in there (we'd live at hers and use the other house as studio / office space for both of us), but I keep seeing problems with it (for a start it's rural and the internet connection there is terrible. I telecommute for work and need a working connection to be able to do my job).
For the last several weeks I've felt ambivalent about things, like the relationship was costing me energy. There's no one thing I can put my finger on to explain what's caused me to feel this way; it's more like the gradual drip-drip of "meh" feelings.
It's been making me feel super frustrated and angry with myself. This is someone I should be happy to be around, and suddenly I'm not as happy as I thought I was (or at least I'm happy enough when we're together, but when we're apart I find that the need to be with her fades and I'm actually perfectly fine on my own).
She recently went back home to visit with family. I wasn't able to go with her due to work. And I found that I didn't really miss her all that much. We texted over the weekend but it didn't feel like I was doing it because I really wanted to; it felt like I was doing it because I felt I should.
I realise that this is all very selfish of me and that she deserves better from me. I feel like an absolute shit for feeling this way and not telling her. At first I categorised the "I'm not really enjoying this" thoughts as intrusive thoughts, and just tried to refocus on the happy times, but the more time goes by the more such thoughts I have.
I know that I need to talk to her about this, otherwise I'm just stringing her along. I feel like I've been lying by omission already -- though I don't know how I could have addressed this when it first came up without it seriously hurting her.
Now with Christmas looming I find myself in the position of having to have this talk with her and destroying Christmas for her. Or I hold on to the thoughts and potentially string her along through Christmas only to have the conversation in the new year, which feels super shitty to me.
Of course, these feelings could pass, and I could just be worrying about nothing. But I don't know how to have this conversation in a kind and compassionate way.
How can I tell her how I'm feeling without being a shit about it? Should I have told her about it before this, when I thought of these feelings as intrusive thoughts? I feel like a terrible human being (which I know is super dramatic, but this is really getting me down) and I don't know how to human better.
We've been together, on and off, for a couple of years. You can read my posting history for more details (and for many suggestions that I should break up with her, which I ignored because after my marriage failed I really wanted to make this relationship work.
When we're together we're happy enough.We recently went from having a long distance (300 mile) to a short distance (25 mile) relationship, and for a while that seemed to make everything so much better. We typically see each other three times a week, and then spend the weekend together (although a couple of family crises have prevented us from having the weekends we'd planned recently). We've been looking at moving closer together -- actually I've been looking at renting the house next to hers; she owns hers but it's too small for all our stuff. This, too, has triggered some ambivalence. The place is nice enough and she's excited about the prospect of me moving in there (we'd live at hers and use the other house as studio / office space for both of us), but I keep seeing problems with it (for a start it's rural and the internet connection there is terrible. I telecommute for work and need a working connection to be able to do my job).
For the last several weeks I've felt ambivalent about things, like the relationship was costing me energy. There's no one thing I can put my finger on to explain what's caused me to feel this way; it's more like the gradual drip-drip of "meh" feelings.
It's been making me feel super frustrated and angry with myself. This is someone I should be happy to be around, and suddenly I'm not as happy as I thought I was (or at least I'm happy enough when we're together, but when we're apart I find that the need to be with her fades and I'm actually perfectly fine on my own).
She recently went back home to visit with family. I wasn't able to go with her due to work. And I found that I didn't really miss her all that much. We texted over the weekend but it didn't feel like I was doing it because I really wanted to; it felt like I was doing it because I felt I should.
I realise that this is all very selfish of me and that she deserves better from me. I feel like an absolute shit for feeling this way and not telling her. At first I categorised the "I'm not really enjoying this" thoughts as intrusive thoughts, and just tried to refocus on the happy times, but the more time goes by the more such thoughts I have.
I know that I need to talk to her about this, otherwise I'm just stringing her along. I feel like I've been lying by omission already -- though I don't know how I could have addressed this when it first came up without it seriously hurting her.
Now with Christmas looming I find myself in the position of having to have this talk with her and destroying Christmas for her. Or I hold on to the thoughts and potentially string her along through Christmas only to have the conversation in the new year, which feels super shitty to me.
Of course, these feelings could pass, and I could just be worrying about nothing. But I don't know how to have this conversation in a kind and compassionate way.
How can I tell her how I'm feeling without being a shit about it? Should I have told her about it before this, when I thought of these feelings as intrusive thoughts? I feel like a terrible human being (which I know is super dramatic, but this is really getting me down) and I don't know how to human better.
"...I agree with people who said you should" break up.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:41 AM on December 17, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:41 AM on December 17, 2015
There are a couple of possibilities here. One is that you just aren't into her any more. It happens. Another is that there is a stressor in the relationship that you guys have been avoiding.
Most likely, IMO, you're just settling into the pattern most long term relationships have. You get used to your mate and so the excitement wears off somewhat. When my SO goes away for work I have a lot of mixed feelings. I miss her very much, but at the same time I very much enjoy the time alone to recharge, at least for the first few days to a week. It is perfectly OK to have some independence from your significant other. In some ways it is a good and healthy thing that you are OK without her. It is a sign that you are comfortable enough with yourself that there is a good foundation on which to build romantic relationships.
Point being that if this question contained all of the relevant details about your relationship, I'd say you are worrying too much and there is no need whatsoever for you to burden her with your (hopefully) temporary ambivalence. If it isn't temporary and you know it, you're being a bit of a shit by hoping to have a conversation wherein she either does the breaking up or gives you "permission" to end things. If there isn't some concrete action item that will make things better for you and you are unhappy being in a relationship where you are OK with being apart for short periods of time, just end it. I don't see what you have described here as being a problem, though.
Personally, I'd definitely wait until after Christmas unless you guys really aren't getting along and are constantly bickering and fighting and such.
It is perfectly normal in romantic relationships for the feelings to ebb and flow to some degree. It isn't all high school fuckbunny passion all the time. That said, if there is a long term issue of you both failing to have your needs met by each other and lacking any arrangements for those needs to be met elsewhere, ending the relationship will be in both of your best interests.
posted by wierdo at 1:45 AM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Most likely, IMO, you're just settling into the pattern most long term relationships have. You get used to your mate and so the excitement wears off somewhat. When my SO goes away for work I have a lot of mixed feelings. I miss her very much, but at the same time I very much enjoy the time alone to recharge, at least for the first few days to a week. It is perfectly OK to have some independence from your significant other. In some ways it is a good and healthy thing that you are OK without her. It is a sign that you are comfortable enough with yourself that there is a good foundation on which to build romantic relationships.
Point being that if this question contained all of the relevant details about your relationship, I'd say you are worrying too much and there is no need whatsoever for you to burden her with your (hopefully) temporary ambivalence. If it isn't temporary and you know it, you're being a bit of a shit by hoping to have a conversation wherein she either does the breaking up or gives you "permission" to end things. If there isn't some concrete action item that will make things better for you and you are unhappy being in a relationship where you are OK with being apart for short periods of time, just end it. I don't see what you have described here as being a problem, though.
Personally, I'd definitely wait until after Christmas unless you guys really aren't getting along and are constantly bickering and fighting and such.
It is perfectly normal in romantic relationships for the feelings to ebb and flow to some degree. It isn't all high school fuckbunny passion all the time. That said, if there is a long term issue of you both failing to have your needs met by each other and lacking any arrangements for those needs to be met elsewhere, ending the relationship will be in both of your best interests.
posted by wierdo at 1:45 AM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
which I ignored because after my marriage failed I really wanted to make this relationship work
You realize that your marriage may have failed in part because you ignored early warning signs that *that* relationship wasn't working. Don't stick with your girlfriend to prove you can have a successful long-term relationship. It's not success if you're unhappy.
I think it's most important to deal with your other intrusive/automatic thoughts:
feel super frustrated and angry with myself
should be happy to be around
I felt I should
very selfish of me
she deserves better from me
feel like an absolute shit for feeling this way
I'm just stringing her along
lying by omission
destroying Christmas
feel like a terrible human being
As you say, this is all pretty dramatic. You clearly are trying to reframe some of your negative thoughts (about her and your relationship) but the way you are thinking about yourself is not healthy. You are confused and this is a tough situation. Be kind to yourself as well as her. I think if you improve your self-image it's going to be a lot easier to tell what feelings about her are real and which are your anxiety.
posted by chaiminda at 3:05 AM on December 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
You realize that your marriage may have failed in part because you ignored early warning signs that *that* relationship wasn't working. Don't stick with your girlfriend to prove you can have a successful long-term relationship. It's not success if you're unhappy.
I think it's most important to deal with your other intrusive/automatic thoughts:
feel super frustrated and angry with myself
should be happy to be around
I felt I should
very selfish of me
she deserves better from me
feel like an absolute shit for feeling this way
I'm just stringing her along
lying by omission
destroying Christmas
feel like a terrible human being
As you say, this is all pretty dramatic. You clearly are trying to reframe some of your negative thoughts (about her and your relationship) but the way you are thinking about yourself is not healthy. You are confused and this is a tough situation. Be kind to yourself as well as her. I think if you improve your self-image it's going to be a lot easier to tell what feelings about her are real and which are your anxiety.
posted by chaiminda at 3:05 AM on December 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
'I don't know how to human better.'
I just read through your ask history. You guys are on totally different pages. You're really not that into her. You can human better by accepting that this relationship has run its course and breaking up with her.
posted by nerdfish at 3:06 AM on December 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
I just read through your ask history. You guys are on totally different pages. You're really not that into her. You can human better by accepting that this relationship has run its course and breaking up with her.
posted by nerdfish at 3:06 AM on December 17, 2015 [12 favorites]
You've been ambivalent for longer than a few weeks, so I would not tell her that.
I would decide what I want (instead of imagining what she wants) and tell her.
You are unhappy- which means you are either talking about breaking up or working to fix it. Which do you want? Ok, then tell her.
You need to talk to her about this because anything else is deeply deceptive. It's not right to make plans of a move when you feel this way. It's cruel.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:13 AM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would decide what I want (instead of imagining what she wants) and tell her.
You are unhappy- which means you are either talking about breaking up or working to fix it. Which do you want? Ok, then tell her.
You need to talk to her about this because anything else is deeply deceptive. It's not right to make plans of a move when you feel this way. It's cruel.
posted by TenaciousB at 3:13 AM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you should probably just break up, but with one caveat, which is this:
The place is nice enough and she's excited about the prospect of me moving in there (we'd live at hers and use the other house as studio / office space for both of us), but I keep seeing problems with it (for a start it's rural and the internet connection there is terrible. I telecommute for work and need a working connection to be able to do my job).
This sounds like a pretty big issue and not just one you are manufacturing as an excuse to get out of the relationship. In your shoes, I would be feeling very stressed by the internet problem right about now. If you could separate this out, would you feel differently about the whole thing? I'm sort of guessing no, but if that is really a big part of this, maybe just hold off on the move. If you think your working life is going to be jeopardized, it's going to affect the whole relationship.
But it sounds more like you just don't want to be the one to break up, and while it may well suck, you need to get out. Before Christmas or after doesn't really matter; do whichever one seems best for the two of you.
posted by BibiRose at 4:07 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
The place is nice enough and she's excited about the prospect of me moving in there (we'd live at hers and use the other house as studio / office space for both of us), but I keep seeing problems with it (for a start it's rural and the internet connection there is terrible. I telecommute for work and need a working connection to be able to do my job).
This sounds like a pretty big issue and not just one you are manufacturing as an excuse to get out of the relationship. In your shoes, I would be feeling very stressed by the internet problem right about now. If you could separate this out, would you feel differently about the whole thing? I'm sort of guessing no, but if that is really a big part of this, maybe just hold off on the move. If you think your working life is going to be jeopardized, it's going to affect the whole relationship.
But it sounds more like you just don't want to be the one to break up, and while it may well suck, you need to get out. Before Christmas or after doesn't really matter; do whichever one seems best for the two of you.
posted by BibiRose at 4:07 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please break up with her. It doesn't sound like time will imrove things and if you wait, you both will wish you'd done it earlier.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 4:29 AM on December 17, 2015
posted by bighappyhairydog at 4:29 AM on December 17, 2015
It is ok to break up before Christmas because then she will be around family and have a support network.
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 4:36 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 4:36 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have not been in this exact predicament but something similar(ish) and my advice, which you can take or leave; this ambivalence is essentially neither happiness nor unhappiness it is a sense of whatever and my question to you is; think about your life, your goals, your dreams, your desires and your needs - then ask yourself - am I happy with mediocrity? Fast forward 20 years - how do you feel about the prospect of the entirety of that time spent with this woman?
And that is not a pop at your GF, she is almost certainly someone's soul mate, but be kind to her and yourself. Sometimes it is not about one person being a dick - but rather incompatibility or misalignment and it is good to remember that it really is okay for you to seek something different for yourself.
Only you can make your life great. And short term heartache and guilt over hurting her is better for both of you, than staying together feeling like you'd wished you had got out and her believing you're crazy about her. That lie - is more damaging than the break up.
posted by TheGarden at 4:53 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
And that is not a pop at your GF, she is almost certainly someone's soul mate, but be kind to her and yourself. Sometimes it is not about one person being a dick - but rather incompatibility or misalignment and it is good to remember that it really is okay for you to seek something different for yourself.
Only you can make your life great. And short term heartache and guilt over hurting her is better for both of you, than staying together feeling like you'd wished you had got out and her believing you're crazy about her. That lie - is more damaging than the break up.
posted by TheGarden at 4:53 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
She's probably already picking up your signals. Cut her loose now and let her enjoy her Christmas with people who love her. The worst break-up I ever had was with a guy who slipped up and told me that the wonderful birthday date he had just given me was because he didn't want to break up with me before my birthday, but it had been over for him before that. It really hurt to know that he had been pretending. I had felt that something was off but I couldn't tell what, and he was so over the top romantic for my birthday that I felt selfish even questioning what was off. It was all so wrong and shouldn't have happened like that. I would have rather had an honest breakup than a false birthday celebration.
posted by myselfasme at 5:29 AM on December 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 5:29 AM on December 17, 2015 [10 favorites]
Actually, shortly before Christmas is often a good time to end a relationship. Of course this depends on circumstance, but if she will have time off from work, be surrounded by family she actually likes, have lots of neutral distractions during her time off like holiday traditions, and isn't worried about her finances (a very common end of year problem), then you can break it off knowing she has a good transition period to work through it emotionally before getting into the nitty gritty of unraveling your lives together, which, if it is an amicable breakup, can safely wait until you have both had distance and get done with efficiency in early January.
Just don't like, dump her via text on Christmas Eve, you know?
posted by Mizu at 5:31 AM on December 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
Just don't like, dump her via text on Christmas Eve, you know?
posted by Mizu at 5:31 AM on December 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I just skimmed through your posting history all the way back to your marriage. Whoo-boy, your marriage sounds like it was super dramatic! Part of me wonders if you're attracted to histrionic women and the heightened emotional state they bring along with them, even if that state is negative and causes you stress. Your current girlfriend does not sound dramatic, are you simply bored with her?
All that said, yes, break up with her. You don't like her and you haven't for awhile so stop stringing her along. Then spend some time being alone and thinking through what you're looking for in a partner and what a long-term healthy relationship would look like to you. A typical, functioning, long-term relationship will never bring you the "excitement" or the (false) feeling of close connection that your marriage did.
posted by scantee at 7:01 AM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
All that said, yes, break up with her. You don't like her and you haven't for awhile so stop stringing her along. Then spend some time being alone and thinking through what you're looking for in a partner and what a long-term healthy relationship would look like to you. A typical, functioning, long-term relationship will never bring you the "excitement" or the (false) feeling of close connection that your marriage did.
posted by scantee at 7:01 AM on December 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
From the previous posts, the girlfriend sounds very dramatic, actually. OP seems to be attracted to dramatic, controlling women, and should perhaps work on why that is. This breakup could be similar to that of your ex's. It'll suck, and she may try to be manipulative, but you'll feel so much better once it's over.
posted by Melismata at 7:17 AM on December 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 7:17 AM on December 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Women are tagged as dramatic way too easily (so says the woman who just tagged two women she doesn't know as dramatic...) and pretty much for behaving in any way that is inconvenient to men. So, I'm hesitant to label your current girlfriend as some sort of crazed drama queen. There is definitely a type of person that is not prone to drama generally but who can become that way at the beginning of a relationship. Once the relationship is established, they stabilize. I notice that you don't mention any bad behavior on the part of your girlfriend in this post. Is it possible that you've lost interest now that she feels secure in the relationship and is not acting out emotionally ?
posted by scantee at 7:38 AM on December 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by scantee at 7:38 AM on December 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, reading some backstory, your marriage didn't fail because you didn't work hard enough. It failed because your wife was abusive. If you are still blaming yourself for that breakup and still putting all the burden on yourself to prevent another breakup, you really need some more therapy to get over that or you are never going to have a healthy relationship.
posted by chaiminda at 8:12 AM on December 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by chaiminda at 8:12 AM on December 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, after reading a couple of your past Asks, it sounds like you two are not at all compatible. Based on what you've written here, you have very different, diametrically opposed needs. Breaking up sucks regardless of when you do it. I'm in the camp of better to get it out of the way so you both can move forward in your lives.
posted by smirkette at 8:25 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by smirkette at 8:25 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
For the last several weeks I've felt ambivalent about things, like the relationship was costing me energy.
You have been feeling ambivalent about things since at least February 2014, by your posting history.
You realize that your marriage may have failed in part because you ignored early warning signs that *that* relationship wasn't working. Don't stick with your girlfriend to prove you can have a successful long-term relationship. It's not success if you're unhappy.
Exactly. You seem to be tying yourself into knots to continue this relationship in order to prove something to yourself or the world at large, and I personally think you should stop doing that.
posted by jaguar at 9:29 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
You have been feeling ambivalent about things since at least February 2014, by your posting history.
You realize that your marriage may have failed in part because you ignored early warning signs that *that* relationship wasn't working. Don't stick with your girlfriend to prove you can have a successful long-term relationship. It's not success if you're unhappy.
Exactly. You seem to be tying yourself into knots to continue this relationship in order to prove something to yourself or the world at large, and I personally think you should stop doing that.
posted by jaguar at 9:29 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have followed your story for a while now and I encourage you not to feel like you've failed again somehow if this relationship and this woman aren't really who or what you want. She doesn't sound like the right fit for you and hasn't for a while. That's okay. Let go and open up your life (and hers!) again so you can get closer to the right person.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:26 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:26 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I read your posting history. As gently as possible-
It is clear to me that a great dea of your problems are at the very least exacerbated by, if not completely caused by, your passive approach to life. If you do not like your girlfriend's behavior, you need to:
1. Communicate. For instance, about the wireless. It is clear to me that you tend to stew and avoid, rather than directly lay out our needs. You need to start directly laying out your needs. Or:
2. Break up with her. The one keeping you in this relationship is you. It is clear you feel to some degree victimized, stressed, ignored, etc. by your girlfriend. That sucks. But you need to either stand up for yourself verbally, leave, or both.
Take responsibility for the choices you are making in life. You choose every day to be with her. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you you must date this woman. Work on being confident, decisive, assertive, and responsible for yourself in your next relationship. Carry those traits with you in all areas of life.
posted by quincunx at 10:30 AM on December 17, 2015 [15 favorites]
It is clear to me that a great dea of your problems are at the very least exacerbated by, if not completely caused by, your passive approach to life. If you do not like your girlfriend's behavior, you need to:
1. Communicate. For instance, about the wireless. It is clear to me that you tend to stew and avoid, rather than directly lay out our needs. You need to start directly laying out your needs. Or:
2. Break up with her. The one keeping you in this relationship is you. It is clear you feel to some degree victimized, stressed, ignored, etc. by your girlfriend. That sucks. But you need to either stand up for yourself verbally, leave, or both.
Take responsibility for the choices you are making in life. You choose every day to be with her. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you you must date this woman. Work on being confident, decisive, assertive, and responsible for yourself in your next relationship. Carry those traits with you in all areas of life.
posted by quincunx at 10:30 AM on December 17, 2015 [15 favorites]
Your marriage didn't "fail" -- it ended. You don't have to frame it as a failure. Similarly, if you decide to end this relationship, that's not a failure either -- it's you practicing agency and making the best decision for your well-being.
Break up, sooner rather than later. Don't wait until after the holidays - just get it over with.
posted by Gray Skies at 12:32 PM on December 17, 2015
Break up, sooner rather than later. Don't wait until after the holidays - just get it over with.
posted by Gray Skies at 12:32 PM on December 17, 2015
Response by poster: Thank you for all your answers. As always there's a lot of good advice. And I appreciate your honesty, all of you.
On my way to my GF's, I started developing a migraine. This happens every once in a while -- they're usually triggered by my not getting enough sleep (I've slept on average 5 hours a night this week, due to noisy neighbours and a chesty cough).
My girlfriend reacted to my migraine (which at this point was just a bad headache; it'll get worse overnight) by saying that:
Being hopped up on pain meds (I take codeine for my migraines) meant that I felt a bit spacey and not really up to having emotionally taxing conversations, so I let it slide. But all the way home I've been stewing about it.
The truth, I think, is that this relationship is making us both unhappy. Me because I'm feeling dissatisfied and don't know how to handle it, and my GF because she's expecting me to break up with her all the time.
Thanks again everyone for your time and advice.
posted by six sided sock at 3:25 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
It is clear to me that a great dea of your problems are at the very least exacerbated by, if not completely caused by, your passive approach to life. If you do not like your girlfriend's behavior, you need to:I decided that, rather than just throwing in the towel, I'd try to communicate the things that were on my mind -- about moving, etc.
1. Communicate. For instance, about the wireless. It is clear to me that you tend to stew and avoid, rather than directly lay out our needs. You need to start directly laying out your needs.
~quincunx
On my way to my GF's, I started developing a migraine. This happens every once in a while -- they're usually triggered by my not getting enough sleep (I've slept on average 5 hours a night this week, due to noisy neighbours and a chesty cough).
My girlfriend reacted to my migraine (which at this point was just a bad headache; it'll get worse overnight) by saying that:
- It was a sign that I was going to leave her
- That our plans for tomorrow (dinner with friends) would have to be cancelled
- That I always get a migraine before something bad happens
Being hopped up on pain meds (I take codeine for my migraines) meant that I felt a bit spacey and not really up to having emotionally taxing conversations, so I let it slide. But all the way home I've been stewing about it.
The truth, I think, is that this relationship is making us both unhappy. Me because I'm feeling dissatisfied and don't know how to handle it, and my GF because she's expecting me to break up with her all the time.
Take responsibility for the choices you are making in life. You choose every day to be with her. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you you must date this woman. Work on being confident, decisive, assertive, and responsible for yourself in your next relationship. Carry those traits with you in all areas of life.I am terrible at being assertive. I really struggle with it. You're right: I need to work on it.
Thanks again everyone for your time and advice.
posted by six sided sock at 3:25 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster:
posted by six sided sock at 3:27 PM on December 17, 2015
That our plans for tomorrow (dinner with friends) would have to be cancelled(To be clear: she didn't ask whether I'd want to cancel the plans: she said "I'll have to tell Pete and Jane that we're cancelling lunch." I didn't really feel up to arguing, though I told her that there was no need to cancel anything)
posted by six sided sock at 3:27 PM on December 17, 2015
Aw, I'm sorry - I think it's just an unfortunate match. The things you need to feel comfortable make her feel insecure, and the things she needs to feel comfortable, in this context, and her responses to times she's not, are actively hurtful to you.
I'm sorry that this is a rough time. And although you were less assertive in this case than might be ideal, she didn't communicate ideally either. And it's hard for most people to break up, when there isn't ill will. You're not the first to struggle with that, and you won't be the last - people usually stay together longer than they should, because appreciating the real dynamic, and the limits of change takes a while. And I don't think anyone is comfortable with the idea of acting in a way that causes someone else pain.
But it is really better for both of you in the long run for you to act, since she won't. Someone has to do it.
(You need a partner who can understand your reality, and who can be alone sometimes. There are people like that.)
Good luck, and take care.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:19 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry that this is a rough time. And although you were less assertive in this case than might be ideal, she didn't communicate ideally either. And it's hard for most people to break up, when there isn't ill will. You're not the first to struggle with that, and you won't be the last - people usually stay together longer than they should, because appreciating the real dynamic, and the limits of change takes a while. And I don't think anyone is comfortable with the idea of acting in a way that causes someone else pain.
But it is really better for both of you in the long run for you to act, since she won't. Someone has to do it.
(You need a partner who can understand your reality, and who can be alone sometimes. There are people like that.)
Good luck, and take care.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:19 PM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
she reacted with paranoia and suspicion (though again due to this question I don't think I'm really in a position to complain all that much).
No, you're really not. Give the woman some credit. If she's paranoid and suspicious that you're not committed to the relationship, it's not that she's irrational and lacks compassion for your migraines, it's that she knows you're not committed to the relationship.
Since you are a self-described passive person who has trouble being assertive, bear this in mind: you can break up without it being anyone's fault. Do not make this her fault. Your question was about your own feelings about the relationship - your followup focused on her in an unflattering light.
If you break up, break up because you are not happy. Own it. Don't be unhappy for a year and then blame your breakup on her suspicions that you'll break up.
posted by headnsouth at 5:16 AM on December 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
No, you're really not. Give the woman some credit. If she's paranoid and suspicious that you're not committed to the relationship, it's not that she's irrational and lacks compassion for your migraines, it's that she knows you're not committed to the relationship.
Since you are a self-described passive person who has trouble being assertive, bear this in mind: you can break up without it being anyone's fault. Do not make this her fault. Your question was about your own feelings about the relationship - your followup focused on her in an unflattering light.
If you break up, break up because you are not happy. Own it. Don't be unhappy for a year and then blame your breakup on her suspicions that you'll break up.
posted by headnsouth at 5:16 AM on December 18, 2015 [10 favorites]
This sounds a lot like my last relationship- and I was in your girlfriend's shoes. Ditto'ing what others have said, she probably knows that you are having doubts. It permeates in all aspects of the relationship and (in my situation) made me somewhat crazy (insecure, jealous- basically things I never thought I could ever be). I kept thinking, am I doing something wrong? My ex was passive as well, and I had to finally be the one to walk away. I just couldn't handle the ambivalence anymore.
We broke up right before Christmas and it was tough, but I DID have my family and friends there to help me through it. There's never going to be a good time.
I think it's great that you are going to try to communicate more with her, but if that doesn't work and you remain ambivalent about the relationship, please do both of you a favor and end it so you can both find better partners.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:55 AM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
We broke up right before Christmas and it was tough, but I DID have my family and friends there to help me through it. There's never going to be a good time.
I think it's great that you are going to try to communicate more with her, but if that doesn't work and you remain ambivalent about the relationship, please do both of you a favor and end it so you can both find better partners.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:55 AM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Nodding along with headnsouth. Your girlfriend likely interprets everything as a sign that you're going to break up with her because you are always thinking about breaking up with her. You've been posting on here for over a year and a half about your ambivalence towards this relationship! Certainly she picks up on that and is reacting emotionally to your inability to directly express your indecision.
Stop stringing her along. Think about what you want and express it clearly. I find dealing with very passive people utterly maddening because they often expect other people to set all of the terms of relationships only to become silently resentful when those terms aren't to their liking. Speak up! But don't get pissy with her for not behaving exactly as you please if you're not willing to take agency over your decisions and communicate your thinking to her clearly.
posted by scantee at 7:27 AM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Stop stringing her along. Think about what you want and express it clearly. I find dealing with very passive people utterly maddening because they often expect other people to set all of the terms of relationships only to become silently resentful when those terms aren't to their liking. Speak up! But don't get pissy with her for not behaving exactly as you please if you're not willing to take agency over your decisions and communicate your thinking to her clearly.
posted by scantee at 7:27 AM on December 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
You sound like you feel very anxious and under a lot of pressure. Has that way of thinking taken on a life of its own? Because you could end the relationship pressure tomorrow by changing or stopping the relationship-- provided you don't instantly get into another similar situation. Is it possible that on some level you don't feel normal if you are not under pressure? To me, it sounds like your current girlfriend has ended up appearing to put pressure on you, largely just by doing what she thinks you want her to do. What if you found a partner who wanted more space?
posted by BibiRose at 8:07 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 8:07 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: We broke up. Well, I broke up with her. We're now in a situation where she's begging me to come back and talk to her through any medium available, and won't take no for an answer (so I'm blocking her where possible).
Obviously I have a lot of work to do on myself -- like learning how to express my needs even when I know they're going to hurt others.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
posted by six sided sock at 4:12 AM on December 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Obviously I have a lot of work to do on myself -- like learning how to express my needs even when I know they're going to hurt others.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
posted by six sided sock at 4:12 AM on December 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Good for you! Again, her begging behavior sounds similar to what your ex-wife did, from what you've written in the past. Stay strong. Other people do not control you, you control you.
posted by Melismata at 8:09 AM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 8:09 AM on December 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Christmas isn't an ideal time for a breakup* talk, but it's better than having a miserable and awkward time until the 26th. There's no good time, just do it.
I don't think it's ever a good time for an "I'm ambivalent" talk, if it's going to be filled with the content of your Asks relating to this relationship :/ What is your hope, that you'll lay it on her and she'll make the decision for you? What can she possibly do about your mehness, the fact that you feel drained by her, your overall lack of enthusiasm about being with her, the fact that her needs are too great a demand for you to meet? I think you do have to decide how you feel. Not to be rough on you, but I think there is a bit of stringing along happening, and it isn't fair.
Own up to what you want. Your fear of being alone, or of being the "bad guy", shouldn't trump anyone's right to be happy, hers or yours. She will be unhappy and sad and probably angry. There's no avoiding that. Pull the bandaid. Do the bad thing, have a breakup talk at Christmas. There's a new year right after that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:24 AM on December 17, 2015 [13 favorites]