Coming to terms with yourself and your thoughts

December 16, 2015 1:55 AM

I have a hard time making decisions or trusting my gut. I'm a big worrier and I am hard on myself. I need an objective opinion on thoughts I have been struggling with regarding my relationship.

Scrolling through metafilter, I find some conflicting answers. I read a thread about marriage and I read a thread about breaking up and there's a lot of different, highly-favorited answers. I'm relatively young I guess, I'm not 25 yet, and neither is my significant other. We have dated for 6 years, and I have been pretty happy. We've grown up together and are still growing--I don't really feel like I'm truly an adult yet. But I've learned a lot in my relationship, especially that it's not all roses and fluff all the time and that I can really REALLY be annoyed by a person I love, but still love them just the same. I didn't have good role models for relationships, I believe. Neither did my partner. But we make it work with what we have. Many of my friends are married, my family members and siblings are all married. It seems half of them can't stop singing the joys of marriage (my newly married friends) and the others always try to get a word in about how lovely my boyfriend and I are, but for god's sake, just wait--there's no need to get married just yet. A friend pulled me aside and said, "You haven't dated around at all--are you really ok with that and staying with one person forever?" It planted a little bug in my ear.

I feel like a bad person. I can't say that my friend didn't whisper what I had been thinking before. I read on here how dating around isn't special, it isn't fun, it isn't worth it. I don't know if it's society or my other friends or my own desire that's making it seem so appealing to me after years of my relationship. Marriage has come onto the table for us, and while I am ecstatic, I can't help but think that when I left high school for college, I was so excited for dating around--dating people different from me and similar to me and in between.

I am happy with my partner. I wonder if my stupid desires are clouding my judgement with a person who could be the One. I don't want to hurt my partner above all else. I discussed all my feelings with my best friend, who is engaged, and she chalked it up to "slutty feelings (in a kind way...)" that people have but they're just not worth it in the end.

My question may just be: how do I sort through this? What questions should I be asking myself? I know I should talk to my partner about this (maybe? maybe it will just go away) but I don't want to hurt them. I'd rather I be hurt than them. Just thinking of him being hurt makes me cry. I know you won't have "the answer" but I need help figuring myself out.

Thank you.

(private email can be at [e-mail])

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

My advice would be not to focus so much on dating others, and instead look at how you feel now in your current relationaship.

Dreams of dating sound to me like a mild escapist fantasy, so I would ask, what are you trying to escape from, and why? If you feel unfulfilled in some way, like you are not fully alive right now and that marriage will mean more of this, then I would ask if there is a way to make changes so that you have what you need inside the relationship, or if the problem is fundamental.

I think this is a legitimate probelm (not at all stupid) with several valid, viable choices. But one thing I would caution is not to lean on your partner to help process this as it will be painful and destabilizing. Process it elsewhere and come to him when you know what you are feeling.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:59 AM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

I had some of these feelings/thoughts around the time I turned 24-25; I'd been with the same person since I was 18. Spoiler: We're now happily married -- got married when I was 28.

For me, it was definitely part of a broader feeling that I was stuck in a rut and did I really want to be living the life I was living. I was in grad school and it was a hard, discouraging time. That was really the source of my thoughts about whether I would regret not dating around -- the sense that my twenties weren't the fun, stupid, wild time they "should" be, but were instead grueling and depressing and full of anxiety. In reality it was because of school, but I began to question everything in my life, including my relationship.

I did a lot of thinking, worrying, and processing -- and as PercussivePaul says, I did it not with my partner. I knew it would be cruel to dangle that sword over him. I can't say there was a single big moment of clarity. Just, over time I made peace with the life I was living. And once I made that peace, I realized that I actually did want to be with my partner. That he was a good thing in my life. I felt more myself with him.

I still have a lot of Feels about grad school, even now that I successfully graduated and have a research job using my degree that I really enjoy -- but my partner no longer gets mixed up in those Feels.

So my recommendation is to think whether there are other arenas in life where you feel like you're not being yourself, not doing what you love. Either change that or try to make peace with it.
posted by snowmentality at 4:11 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

I will disagree with the two answers above somewhat.

My ex wife and I broke up in small part because we never reached a point where we could talk about this stuff productively. I certainly relate to some of what you have written, I was with my ex from my early twenties and like you at some point started questioning the road we were on (I was later 20's by then and it wasn't so focused on dating other people as your question is). I think working on these things together would have really helped us if we'd got to it early enough, but we didn't, partly out of that fear of hurting someone you care about, but also because we never developed the shared language to do so. When we arrived at a point where we had to talk about it we did so incredibly dysfunctionally. I have a suspicion this kind of thing is common to relationships that start with very young people.

So I definitely think you do need to put a lot of work into becoming more self aware, but if you can, try and bring your partner on that journey with you, don't tell them about it later as though they are a third party. They'll know something's going on anyway, or they should. That could well be a hard thing to do, but well...

I also do think marriage is a bit of a red herring here, it's not an end point and I never found being married much different in any case.
posted by deadwax at 4:28 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

FOMO, man. Grass-is-always-greener syndrome. Door Number Two. That thing where you go to the restaurant that serves your very favorite sandwich in the world and you've never tried anything else on the menu, and a lot of the stuff you haven't tried looks like it might be really good, but ordering something else means you miss out on the very best sandwich of all time.

It's really normal to have these feelings and thoughts when you're staring down a huge commitment. Sometimes they happen when you're not happy with the decision you're about to make, but you haven't tackled that unhappiness head-on, so your brain tries to find a way in through the side door. But equally often, if not more so, it's just your brain recognizing the size of the decision you're making and reflexively flailing around, checking for anything you might have missed.

Anyway, these desires are normal, and not necessarily indicative of anything. And just because a desire is strongly felt doesn't make it some sort of deeper truth, or something you need to obey in order to be happy.

I think you sound wise and have a healthy view of your current relationship, and I think it's actually a good thing that you're thinking "wait, staying with this person means I would miss out on this other stuff" - you're evaluating the pros and cons instead of blindly assuming marriage will be perfectly fulfilling.

Evaluate your relationship on its own merits, and keep in mind that these thoughts do happen even in great relationships. And yeah, twenty-four is young, and an age where a lot of people are still a long ways off from having their shit together, but a whole lot of twenty-four-year-olds do have their shit together.

I agree that it's definitely not a thing to talk about with your partner; he can't do anything about it and it would only freak him out.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:29 AM on December 16, 2015 [12 favorites]

As a person who did not meet her husband until she was 38 I'm here to tell you that it's two sides of the same coin. Right now, my only wish in life is that I had met Husbunny earlier, so I wouldn't have .

I dated around, and mostly you're just going out with people to see if there's a connection. I think this scene from Sex in the City explains the experience. The whole fun part of dating is the part where you wonder, "is this the guy I'll end up with?" If you're a monogamous person you don't want a bunch of partners for the sake of it, you're just getting to know people to see if you're compatible and to see if there's something there. For sure, it's overrated.

This is my opinion though, and we're all different.

I suppose the one question you have to decide for yourself is: Which would I regret more, giving up a great guy with whom I share wonderful memories and who gets me, or not seeing if there was someone better out there?

Now, if you are unhappy in your relationship, that's different. But it's our nature to question the road not traveled. Sometimes that road is a boring old trip through the flatlands with only truck stops on it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:55 AM on December 16, 2015 [6 favorites]

Just with respect to the variety of opinion you've seen favourited - there isn't a best way to arrange one's life and relationships. We're all improvising, based on what happens in our particular lives. Marriage, serial monogamy, singledom, polygamy, more I can't think of right now, are all just different ways of structuring life that different cultures and subcultures make more (or less) available to us. (I think most people do want some kind of sustained connection, at some point, though, for a longer or shorter time, or however long it lasts.) Our lives unfold, opportunities or challenges arise, we respond, and try to do our best to live in consonance with our personal values and needs. What that looks like is different for every person and situation. 2nd everyone - you really do have to look at this relationship as its own dynamic, and at your own needs.

Casual sex has a lot of currency right now, obviously. It's a valid way of gaining a certain kind of knowledge, the experience of difference. It can be great fun to be "slutty", if you're in the right frame of mind and emotionally equipped for it. It can also be just one of many ways to pass the time; boring; painful and confusing, for some, if emotions get overly mixed in. (There may be chances for emotional intimacy, but it's not the same kind of connection you'd develop in a committed relationship.) There can be pressure to deny connection, if it happens to pop up. (I get the impression you're a woman, not least because you used the word "slutty"; the dynamics for young women, especially, are unique and a bit complex, I think - different expectations and standards come into it than for men. Maybe check out some of these threads, about Tinder.)

I think there's a lot of truth to the idea of the 5-7 year itch. Even when people are compatible and attend to their relationships (but especially when one or both of those aren't true), novelty just holds strong appeal after a while, so in a sense you're on schedule. I can't speak to what it's like to stick with it past that, myself. Fulfilling, lifelong marriages do happen, though.

But there isn't a "the One". There are many people you could be compatible with, you'd just have a different experience with them. Your odds of finding someone great, within the constraints of your life, that's something else. A little effort and a lot luck.

From my perspective, you've been pretty lucky with this relationship. That's not to say you should stay with it, you might have a great time exploring and meet someone wonderful in X years. And this experience has taught you valuable things about loving, and being with someone loving. Or you might not meet someone else, it's impossible to say. ("Ending up alone" could happen. I don't think it's a terrible fate - it's possible to have a good life that way, and it's definitely better than being with bad company, but good company is better than none, if you ask me.)

If I'm right that you're a woman: You're young, so it's not immediately relevant, but time affects women who think they might want children differently than men. There's biology on one end - I'd say early 40s is a fair boundary for most, for that, YMWV - and societal bias against age on the other, though that's changing and may be different for you by the time you get to 40 or so. People find partners all through life, certainly, but it's a possible factor. Just something to just be aware of, for the future. If you want kids but want to explore, I'd say you have a comfortable ten year window. If you don't want kids, obviously, less of a concern. That said, a lot of women start getting worried about that around mid-30s.

This book is I think more for people in a slightly more tortured limbo, but if you're doubting this enough to ask, you might find it useful in helping think things through.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:45 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Let me elaborate on my answer a bit. In my experience when big emotions come up there is a processing stage which can be very confusing. Multiple parts of the self can show up at once with conflicting messages and it feels like you simultaneously want contradictory things. I personally think this stage of processing is best insulated from your partner and done with a friend or therapist.

The reason is that you might express a thought, like "I want to be young and wild and free", and then later come to a more nuanced understanding of where that desire was coming from, and perhaps decide from the adult self that there is a way to get what you need without leaving your current relationship. If you had expressed that early thought out loud to your partner, it now exists within your relationship -- the idea that you are caged and you want out. You might come back and say it's okay, I realized that was mostly life stress talking and I actually want to stay, but meanwhile your partner is still reeling and uncertain, and you coming back to a stable baseline is now only half the job; you have to bring your partner back too. I speak from experience having done this the wrong way a few times.

Communication is critical but there is a balancing act. You may realize things need to change and have to have some very painful conversations. In the interests of kindness, though, the thing to avoid is making it your partner's job to help you decide if you want to stay with them or not.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:35 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

On another note:

Consider - how is your relationship sexually? Do you feel like you've been fairly compatible over time? Do you communicate well? Though this is changing, I think women tend to be discouraged from figuring out what they want sexually; it can be easy to settle into a relationship where the sex doesn't do much for you but you think that's normal...up until you realize you're looking at another fifty years of "doesn't do much for me".

Also, how are your partner's health habits? Something that has been brought home to me as I've gotten older: people who are significantly careless of their health in their twenties are setting themselves and their partners up for trouble in their thirties and onward. It's not that your partner needs to be a vegan crossfitter now - but is he capable of paying attention to his body, seeing doctors and dentists (assuming you have access to care), eating reasonable meals most of the time, etc? What seems like charming youthful recklessness when you're in your twenties can ossify into a relationship-breaking problem later.

Is your partner relatively financially sensible? Again, not that you need to spend your twenties being super-duper prudent in every respect, but habits now will be habits later.

Is your partner grumpy or depressive, and how does he handle that? Someone who is angry or miserable on the regular in their twenties and does not take steps to work through those things will only be angrier and grumpier later in life when responsibilities are often heavier and youthful energy dies away. As with everything else, someone who is a bit crabby sometimes isn't a problem; it's someone who has a mean or angry streak that seems atypically bad - even if they're kind and loving much of the time. Someone who is bitter regularly at 25 will be a bitter mass of hate at forty if he doesn't take steps.

How does he feel about the things you care about? Mild but persistent scorn or mockery is going to get worse over time; what seems like a moderate but persistent political disagreement may harden into real bitterness in ten or fifteen years.

What is his family like? Some people end up very different from their parents - but usually only if they take steps. If his parents are depressed and don't take care of themselves, for instance, what is your partner doing to be different?

Ask me how I know this stuff - or rather, don't; it's not a particularly uplifting story.

There's a lot of stuff which is totally tolerable in a casual relationship which can be a deal-killer in a serious one. In one's twenties, it can seem churlish and/or bourgeois and/or controlling to worry about stuff like this, but you can easily find yourself looking back ten years down the road and wishing that you'd done differently. Basically, imagine your partner becoming just like himself only more so, and make sure you can live with that.
posted by Frowner at 6:50 AM on December 16, 2015 [12 favorites]

I never dated around. My first wife and I got married very young. We had never dated anyone before each other, but we both really wanted to have sex and were against sex before marriage, so we literally got married to have sex and not feel guilty. We had sex just 6 times in three years. We realized we were best friends--but not marriage material. (It also makes me nervous when people marry their best friend. I didn't want to marry my best friend; I wanted to marry a life partner. My current wife feels the same way.)

My current wife and I have been together for over a decade, and people who meet us think we are still newlyweds. Our marriage is THAT great. All the time. We have been through more together in 10 years than most people go through in a lifetime and we know we can handle it. Our marriage is amazing, and it IS all roses and fluff all the time, even with two very young, difficult children. I never dated between my first wife and her. Well, I had a few "dates" via eHarmony, but I never "dated" anyone else before her. I just KNEW when I met her, and her the same. I told her I married my first wife just to have sex, so we had sex on our second date to understand that it was okay, and it was unbelievably magical.

So, I only dated two people in my lifetime and found someone amazing. She had only dated three in her lifetime before finding me.

I think the "date around!" thing is so silly. It's not necessary unless you don't know who you are or what you want (which is okay, too).
posted by TinWhistle at 7:10 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

I've been with the same person since I was 20, and we've been together a little over five years. I did have a few years in college to date around (to the extend that "dating" happened in college) and honestly, it just makes me realize how much more fun it is to be with someone who thinks I'm great and loves me and knows all my weirdnesses and likes me better for them. Plus sex, for me at least, is so so much better with someone who really knows you.

But I've definitely had the thoughts you're having, especially when I see my friends date around and realize I kind of missed that phase in my life. Generally though, I've realized that it's usually a sign that I need to focus on my own social life and that it isn't actually dating or even flirting that I want, it's just trying new things and meeting new people. Neither of those things are only or even best achieved through dating. Going to a party or meeting friends of friends totally gets that urge to meet new people out of my system. So far it's just confirmed to me that my boyfriend is my favorite person and I want to be with him, because new people are fun but going home with him is the best thing ever.
posted by MadamM at 7:37 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

The reason you see lots of different answers favorited is that the answer is different for each individual. Therapy is great for helping to explore this stuff with someone who doesn't have a dog in this fight, someone who only wants to help you find the path that will be happiest and healthiest for you.
posted by ldthomps at 8:40 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, emphasis on individuality. This varies so much by person, all anyone should be doing here is helping you learn your own needs. There's no single path through this question that works best for everyone. There's lots of good advice here, but it contains differences of opinion and taste because people do differ.

I felt what you're feeling, and I did wind up needing to date around, and it worked very well for me: met important needs in terms of autonomy and sexuality. Unlike Ruthless Bunny, say, the "whole fun part of dating" for me is dating. I like it. I connect with people and form partnerships but they're not exclusive/monogamous, and I don't want one I live with, and don't want kids, and don't want a single person I "end up with". It took me a marriage and a divorce to figure that out about myself.

That's me. I know people who hate dating. Who are looking for a single monogamous partner for the long term. For whom my state, my preferences, would be an intolerable burden or personal failure. You really have to do a lot of digging in yourself to figure this stuff out. And unfortunately, you might have a hard time figuring it out when under pressure to "decide" something about your current relationship. We often learn about ourselves from events and our own reactions.

This isn't really useful advice yet, so I will throw in agreement with a few "facts" that I see in comments above, that are (as far as I can tell) common across people, and hard-earned experience:

1. As Frowner said: people generally become "themselves, only more so" as they age. You should be ok with your partner becoming ever-more-like themselves. This thought should be pleasing, if you want to stay with them for a long time.
2. As cotton dress sock said: being with someone who makes you miserable is generally worse than being alone. Some people are hypersensitive to loneliness but there is usually a lot more an active antagonist can do to piss you off than a passive absence-of-company.
3. As PercussivePaul said: going through emotional processing like this can be better when mediated by a therapist than directly with your partner. You're liable to feel contradictory things, some of which matter and some of which are passing / unimportant. If you say every thought aloud to someone who's deeply invested in a relationship with you, you're likely to hurt them with all the passing thoughts. It's a rollercoaster better ridden with someone you pay to tolerate the ups and downs.
4. As several people said: it's often the case that relationship doubts and worries are a reflection of something else, completely unrelated to a relationship. Fear of ageing. Loss of a community. Stress over work or money. This varies a lot by person but it's common enough to consider; and it's a particularly strong reason to dig in emotional topics with a therapist rather than your partner: you might be putting your partner on high alert about "relationship issues" only to find that an unrelated sense of loss or missing fulfilment is driving it.

posted by ead at 9:50 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

There are going to be a lot of times in life when choices that are the most authentic for you are different from everyone else's. Marrying young can be one of those choices. Just because "everyone" does it differently - or doesn't have your option to do it as you have - doesn't mean it is the wrong choice for you. I know a few couples who met and married before 25 and are still happily together, 20 years on. It's more common than it may seem, despite our general cultural prejudice against it. I am sure that all of them have also been curious about what they missed out on at times - it's normal. It's normal to wonder. The key thing, though, is to do what you think gives you the best chance of being at peace with your life in the long term. If you really crave the ups and downs and adventure of being with other people and having a more unpredictable romantic life and maybe not ending up with a life partner, or not along the timing you want, or with one you don't like as much, or maybe a better one that you had to 'get ready for' - then the fair thing to do would be to give yourself that life. But don't assume that you should really want that life if you really don't. Time to listen to yourself and how you envision your life in 5, 10, 20 years.
posted by Miko at 11:36 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

My life story:

-dated for four years and almost married high school/college sweetheart and first love.
-broke up at age 22. Had a rebound relationship with a very clingy guy for 3 months who was way more into me than I him. Spent 3 miserable years feeling totally out of place amongst my peers. Felt like no one understood real relationships, everyone was very naive, did not want to jump straight into casual sex but not ready for marriage- could not find a happy medium. All boyfriends/dates too clingy or too jerkish.
-At age 25/26, started feeling like "fuck it" - moved, got "real job" and started going on dates/meeting people like crazy. Had a couple flings. Don't regret them. They were hot, and pretty good. (One guy was way out my "regular dating" league) The one downside was losing friends/friend circle drama and "reputation" - (one dude was in a band- bleh)
-At 26 1/2, met guy at party. Dating for 1 and 1/2 years now. Feel fairly settled into adulthood. Will probably marry this one.

Don't regret anything, would recommend my life path, the flings are good memories and answer "what if" -sowed the oats, got the fix, don't need it anymore.

Go sow your oats.
posted by quincunx at 4:27 PM on December 16, 2015

I see a lot of other people and their opinions or feelings in your question. Did you say what you want? Oh, yeah. You said you're having what your friend termed "slutty feelings." You also said you were once excited to date other people, but that did not end up happening.

You also said the thought of hurting your partner made you cry. More specifically, the thought of sharing your real feelings with your partner made you feel like crying - except that's my wording, not yours. Did you see what I did there?

You come from a large close community that values pair bonding. I'm sure if you stay with your partner and marry them, your larger community will be very happy with you. This is not to be scoffed at! It's important!!

I think the people around you will still love you if you don't marry this person. I wouldn't mistake their approval for your own happiness, in case that's a factor here.


Nthing those who say your relationship must be able to embrace deeper conversations like the one you probably need to have with your partner about your concerns. If you are not able to share your inner-most feelings within this relationship, it's not going to be fulfilling for you longterm.
posted by jbenben at 4:31 PM on December 16, 2015