I’m in a relationship and I think we have conflicting expectations. How big of a deal is this?

December 13, 2005 11:23 AM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now and it’s managed to get pretty serious relatively quickly. We now live together, though not “officially” (she technically lives with her sister) we’ve already established daily routines. I really enjoy being with her and love her dearly. Hands down she is the most complete woman I’ve ever dated and I feel we both compliment each others lives nicely. However there are a few places in our relationship where we struggle and I’m having trouble resolving it. Sex: My libido is higher than hers. I prefer to have sex 5-6 times a week while she doesn’t prefer anything over 3. We’ve tried finding a middle ground (maybe 4) but this often leads to arguments because we both end up feeling under-appreciated. Down Time: After a long day at work, most of all I want to sit and talk with her. Not necessarily about anything. Just to relax. She prefers to sit alone and read a book or a magazine. This often leaves me feeling alone. Lately, I’ve been going to workout and hangout with the fellas as a way to mitigate this issue, but it only helps a little. Romance: While I’ll openly admit that I’m not the most romantic person in the world, I do try. She mentions that our relationship could use a bit more romance but when I do so, it seems as if it goes un-noticed. She’ll appreciate it at the time, but it seems after a day or so, it is simply forgotten about. And finally - The Past: Her theory on the past is whatever happened back then is irrelevant now. I mostly agree, but some things I want to know about simply for curiosity’s sake. This mostly leads to arguments however. With all of that said, I’ve begin to take the frame of mind that all of these concerns since they are not “deal-breakers” I’ll just deal with the best way I know how. I love her and I don’t want this to end but there is the thought in the back of my mind saying “maybe we just aren’t compatible”. Is this thinking rational thinking or am I just being petty. I know a relationship is hard work, but how hard is “too hard”? How do I resolve this?
posted by ButWhatDoIKnow to Human Relations (33 answers total)

After a long day at work, most of all I want to sit and talk with her. Not necessarily about anything. Just to relax. She prefers to sit alone and read a book or a magazine.

Any chance you guys could compromise and you could sit and read with her on the couch or bed or wherever?

Her theory on the past is whatever happened back then is irrelevant now. I mostly agree, but some things I want to know about simply for curiosity’s sake. This mostly leads to arguments however.

If she doesn't want to tell you, you probably don't want to know.

As for the sex . . . well, I have no idea.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2005

None of these things sound like deal breakers. They sound like the things that you need to negotiate, talk about with HER.
If it were easy to be in a couple....
posted by Sara Anne at 11:38 AM on December 13, 2005

Never, ever, ask about your partner's romantic past. There is nothing there that you need to know.
posted by LarryC at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2005

Every relationship forces us to compromise our preferences at certain points. It could be that after a few months infatuation is wearing off and the reality of your differences is settling in. Your questions are too subjective to answer specifically. If your expectations are for her to change then you may be heading for disappointment. If you conform to her expectations you may suddenly become less interesting. This is what makes relationships difficult. Keep communicating with her and things will become more clear as you give it some thought.

Also, you may want to use the "more inside" feature instead of posting giant blocks of text on the front page.
posted by quadog at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2005

Best answer: "After a long day at work, most of all I want to sit and talk with her. Not necessarily about anything. Just to relax. She prefers to sit alone and read a book or a magazine."

Make time to eat together when you get home. Dinner time is a perfect time for conversation . Afterwards she can sit and read and get some time to herself, while you've had your communal needs met. I don't see why she can't talk for part of the evening and you can't live with more or less silent cohabitation for part of it.


"Romance ... She’ll appreciate it at the time, but it seems after a day or so, it is simply forgotten about."

Unfortunately this is the nature of romantic gestures. They are ephemera, as such they pass readily from memory. Just keep making them. On the other hand, it is unreasonable for her to expect you to do something new and unique every two to three days, maybe once or twice a year is more like it, the rest of the time she should be satisfied with flowers, back rubs, etc. .

The past: Follow OC's advice. If she doesn't want to say, then you shouldn't pry. There is almost no chance that forcing her to tell you will turn out well.

How hard is too hard? Only you can say. With some exgirlfriends I broke it off for almost no reason. With my wife I'd stay with her despite just about any problem that comes to mind.
posted by oddman at 11:51 AM on December 13, 2005

You can probably mitigate most of these issues, but speaking as someone who has had issues in her relationship much like those you experience with your girlfriend (but on the flip side - needing "quiet/alone time" and having less of a libido than my partner), I can give you this advice:

1.) If you don't give her the space she needs to relax when she wants it, the libido disparity could get even worse. When I felt obligated to give up my necessary "me time" it made me feel stifled and even a little resentful, and it made me want sex even less.

2.) You two sound like you are nuts about eachother and that is wonderful. Be careful not to move too, too fast. With the dynamic you two have, it could be really troublesome in the future. My boyfriend and I moved in together really quickly, and it really only became problematic when he gave up his place. Even though we spent practically every waking moment together, I felt much more comfortable knowing that I had my own space to retreat to if I ever really needed it.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:51 AM on December 13, 2005

You're not going to find the answer here, you just need to work it out. It's part of being of growing up.

But as a passing gesture, men like to fuck twice a day. Go to bed fucking, wake up and roll over for more quality fucking. Women usually need to be emotionally availble for sex, and even tatooed bartender fuckaholics need something nice for things to go alright. Your libido isn't her problem, I'm afraid. Welcome to the world of adultery, jusy another name for adult.

That said, just give her space. Be kind. Do something nice for her every week.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 11:52 AM on December 13, 2005

From the perspective of having been married for 11 years, the stuff you guys are arguing about feels pretty minor.

That said, I have no advice to give you that I think will help, except that your concerns are common ones.
posted by craniac at 11:52 AM on December 13, 2005

You both could benefit from a little spontaneity. Do things that neither of you regularly do. Learn more about each other and make every day new and exciting. Prescheduled activities (especially sex!) feel, well, prescheduled.

you're complaining about three times a week? jesus h. hannkukah.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:52 AM on December 13, 2005

Mmm... dunno.

If your libidos are so disparate, that can't bode well. Sex is pretty basic to a relationship. If the sex is a problem now, what about 10 years from now?

Life is too short.
Find someone who wants you.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:00 PM on December 13, 2005

Sounds to that, since you're still working out space and time and intimacy issues, perhaps it's a little too early to move in together.
posted by desuetude at 12:01 PM on December 13, 2005

sounds to that = sounds to me, that
posted by desuetude at 12:01 PM on December 13, 2005

Romance: While I’ll openly admit that I’m not the most romantic person in the world, I do try. She mentions that our relationship could use a bit more romance but when I do so, it seems as if it goes un-noticed. She’ll appreciate it at the time, but it seems after a day or so, it is simply forgotten about.

Here's how my wife explained it to me. YMMV.

Men tend to like a few big gestures now and then. If the female arranges a couple of really cool surprises or gifts a year, the guy is pretty happy.

This doesn't work on women. Women need a constant stream of little romantic gestures. You might do something big and cool for her and expect it to hold you for a month or two, but in reality it only counts for a bit more than a small gesture would. So the secret is lots of small gestures, like a nice card (even an e-greeting), or some $4 flowers from the grocery store.

And of course women vary on how much romance they expect/need. You have to decide how much you're willing and able to give, and she has to decide how much she's willing to accept.
posted by agropyron at 12:01 PM on December 13, 2005

I came in to say exactly what agropyron just said: Lots of little things, not a few big things. It's the one thing I learned from Men are From Omicron Persei 9 Mars, Women are From Omicron Persei 7 Venus.
posted by Who_Am_I at 12:25 PM on December 13, 2005

Check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book discusses 5 different types of ways people feel that they can best express their love for another.

It will not only help with getting her to notice your gestures of love but clarify which ways you need to gesture, as your current methods may simply be in a language other than what she speaks/interprets, as it were. If she's as eager to read a book about cultivating better relationships as I have seen by experience in other women, she'd be pretty glad to pick this one up, too :-)

I am very confident this will be a great solution to much of the troubles you're having. Email me, and I'll buy you a copy myself.
posted by vanoakenfold at 12:32 PM on December 13, 2005

As for the post-work thing, find a quiet bar and meet there after work with books in hand. My wife and I do that pretty frequently (well, less so since getting a kegerator) and it ends up being a mix of talking and reading which sounds like a nice compromise for the two of you.

Plus, if you watering hole has paper napkins, you can easily whip up a few napkin roses for her as a little romantic gensture.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:43 PM on December 13, 2005

Never, ever, ask about your partner's romantic past. There is nothing there that you need to know.

This is a bit of an overgeneralization, no? If the other person is willing to share, I think that you can learn a lot about how a person is in a relationship based on their romantic past. And I think that a complete unwillingness to share anything about your romantic past indicates either that you're not over the previous relationship, or at the very least that you're not ready for another relationship.
posted by elquien at 12:48 PM on December 13, 2005

elquien: Either that or it's really jucy. If a girl didn't want to tell me about her past it would drive me batty.
posted by delmoi at 12:59 PM on December 13, 2005

I love her and I don’t want this to end but there is the thought in the back of my mind saying “maybe we just aren’t compatible”.

Listen to that thought. If you know, you know. If you don't know, you don't know, and you have little thoughts in the back of your head. This is intuition telling you that the pattern being recognized is a bad one.
posted by frogan at 1:20 PM on December 13, 2005

If it's any help, I can tell you that for me several early issues that came up when we started living together seemed like a lot less of a big deal after a few months or less and after 2 1/2 years of living together I don't even think about them anymore.

Also, I think if love means anything it means doing your best to put her needs first. Sometimes it's really difficult to do but I think it's helpful to have that at the back of your mind.
posted by teleskiving at 1:23 PM on December 13, 2005

I work in a crowded office and spend a lot of time on the phone with clients. I don't know what your gf does for a living, but after work decompression is absolutely essential for me. I want an hour of not seeing anyone and not talking to anyone. Reading together or meeting at a pub wouldn't do it.

Disclosure: my last bf and I dealt with this. There was no surer way to get me to start resenting his existence than to have him waiting for me at my apartment when I got home.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:31 PM on December 13, 2005

The Five Languages of Love suggestion by vanoakenfold is a good one. I think there's an edition now specifically aimed at couples who aren't married.

Overall, this sounds like a case of trying to go to fast in some ways, combined with the misunderstanding that being alike in all ways = closeness. In other words, I get the sense that you assume in some way that if you both liked together time right after work (or if you both liked alone/chill time after work), that would make you closer (and more in love) because you'd be more similar.

I've gradually (and thankfully!) learned over the years that, quite often, this just ain't so. Dissimilarities are not only inevitable between two people -- yes, even people who are wildly in love -- but they are natural. Some of them can even be embraced -- her need for quiet time, for example, is just part of who she is. You actually honor her (and your love for her) by accepting that (and not grudgingly, but without judgment), regardless of how you happen to be in that arena. Healthy togetherness actually requires the space and acceptance of the ways in which you are still separate individuals.

So instead of feeling alone during her "I need to read a magazine" time, what would it be like for you to simply (and happily) do your own thing for that 30 minutes or whatever, and just plan on asking her (later!) what she was reading?

I'm sorry to say I have less chirpy advice to offer on the unequal libido front; I have a high sex drive and in the past have found it very emotionally painful to be in relationships with men who had drives much lower than mine. Would the tension between her 3 times-a-week desire vs. your 6-times-a-week desire be lesssened if you masturbated more? (Caveat 1: I've heard that some women find masturbation to be a kind of "cheating," though -- I certainly don't hold/understand that belief, but in case your girlfriend does this may be a more difficult solution than I assume. Caveat 2: you may already be masturbating as much as you want, in which case my suggestion is probably moot.)
posted by scody at 1:31 PM on December 13, 2005

after work decompression is absolutely essential for me.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I'm often this way too. It can vary at times (depending on how crazy work has been, etc.), but no matter what, it's got nothing to do with how much I love my boyfriend (or anyone else). I like to chill quietly for a bit after work, even if it just means puttering around the kitchen or leafing through catalogs for a half hour. Being bugged to act differently would send me the message that my needs aren't important and/or my personality needs to be "improved." Both messages work against closeness, rather than fostering it.
posted by scody at 1:58 PM on December 13, 2005

Romance advice: It really is all about the steam of small gestures. Snuggle. Take a bath together. Give her a foot/hand massage. Strawberries + chocolate + wine. Leave her a note on the coffee pot in the morning. Anything. It seriously doesn't have to be a grand gesture, just do something tiny to let her know that you think about her when she isn't around. Also, if you increase romance she may want more sex, but that isn't a guarantee.

Alone/interacting advice: My boyfriend and i are both quiet and independent people - I love to sit and play on Metafilter, he loves to do Sudoku every evening. However, we try to integrate our loner ways and interact in the evenings by doing quiet things together - crossword puzzles get traded back and forth while we alternately read the newspaper, chess (very quiet but great interaction and its good conversation fodder).
posted by gatorae at 2:08 PM on December 13, 2005

These issues are so trivial that most happy or successful couples would compromise on them without even thinking about it. Your relationship is doomed.

Or......... You really need to spend some time learning about relationships. The books sited above might be a good start.

But seriously............ You want sex 5 nights a week and she wants it 3???? This is an issue? I'm not sure it even gets much better than that. My vote - Doomed.
posted by y6y6y6 at 2:09 PM on December 13, 2005

Well, judging purely by the amount of text you placed on the main ask.metafilter.com page by ignoring instructions and conventions, I'd say that if your girlfriend tells you that you don't listen, she's probably right.
posted by krisjohn at 3:12 PM on December 13, 2005

1. The sex. . .As a relationship evolves the frequency of sex can decrease. 3 times a week, for a co-habiting couple, is average or above average. . .make it special and try not to fret about the other nights. Masturbate. . whatever. . .just make her feel desired and not wretched that she is not meeting your needs. Do other things the involve touch and affection that do not necessarily lead to sex. Then express delight when she pounces you as a result, now and again.

2. Space . . .my wife tends to want to debrief while I would rather read, and have my own space. Talk about what you need and try to find a middle ground. . again, honor her stated needs and most likely she will give a bit on this. She needs to know that you hear what she wants.

3. Romance. . .express your appreciation of her. . .flowers, making dinner by candle light. . .and try to not take it to heart that she forgets about stuff you do. As gatorae says, it's a bunch of small things.

Plenty of books. . . it may be too soon for this one but it's been a good one in my relationship.

Good luck. . .it gets harder.
posted by Danf at 3:14 PM on December 13, 2005

Y'know, if you were more romantic, she very well might enjoy sex more.

If her job is fairly social, it's really normal to need an hour or two of decompression time. I might guess her job is more social than hers. Possibly involved with sales/teaching...

Sex and Romance.

You're looking at romance as a 'hassle' as something you expect a reward for (sex.) It shows her how much you love and care for her. She's telling you exactly what her needs are...to feel special. That's a heavy part of romance. It's not the flowers - its the thought behind the flowers. Which is why 'it's forgotten' tomorrow. You made her feel special then, what about today?

So, make it part of your day/week etc. Not every day, but far more than you are now. Don't look for the reward (the appreciation). Instead, see it as a way to communicate with her. Notes, txt messages, little stuff (and occasionally big).

And turn down sex for a week. Get her to pursue you a bit. Get her really hot...and then whisper that she can get the rest in the morning. Try to keep her on the edge as much as you can.
posted by filmgeek at 4:55 PM on December 13, 2005

Yeah, romance isn't (for most women) about grand gestures involving horse-drawn carriages and formalwear and strolling violinists -- it's about ongoing expressions of consideration and affection. She wants to know she's special all the time to you, not just when you guys first started going out or at official "tell her she's special" moments.

That's why being surprised out of the blue by a bouquet of daisies from the supermarket goes way further for me than the Obligatory Hundred Dollar Red Roses once a year at Valentine's Day. (Note: do not infer from this that you shouldn't get your girlfriend roses for Valentine's Day!)

An affectionate note, a favor that makes her life a little easier, a surprise treat (such as a nice dinner, concert tickets, or a book by her favorite author) -- all of these are romantic gestures (and ones that don't require lots of money or planning). And yes, as filmgeek mentions, don't do them because you think they'll "earn" you sex or bonus points or something; do them because your girlfriend has expressed a genuine need and desire for them.
posted by scody at 5:39 PM on December 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

i agree with y6y6y6. you dudes are totally doomed, and it's probably all your fault for being so needy.
posted by soma lkzx at 6:03 PM on December 13, 2005

Many of the above responses explain why no-one should ever ask a question about relationships on askmefi.
posted by ascullion at 6:27 PM on December 13, 2005

Stop living together. The routine thing is not incidental. She will be more interested in talking if you aren't there all the time, and she's not loosing out on book time. You'll have more stuff to talk about, and it will be more fulfilling all around. Similar thing with sex. Nothing kills romance like not having to long for or work for something. Not that withdrawing solves everything, I'm just trying to draw out the dynamic living together can have. It exploded in my face for sure...
posted by aussicht at 8:28 PM on December 13, 2005

Hold on Hold on!

As for the post-work thing, find a quiet bar and meet there after work with books in hand. My wife and I do that pretty frequently (well, less so since getting a kegerator) and it ends up being a mix of talking and reading which sounds like a nice compromise for the two of you.

robocop is bleeding's wife let him get a kegerator! What?
posted by stratastar at 8:58 PM on December 13, 2005