Navigating a relationship-turned-friendship
December 12, 2015 6:48 PM Subscribe
I was dating someone that I really liked and now he just wants to be friends. Help me navigate this. I am probably way overthinking it. Snowflakes inside.
A little while ago, I posted this question about my first real relationship.
Welp, everything was great! Until it wasn't. To make a long story short, I noticed he seemed more distant and things weren't progressing, so I texted him basically asking where he thought we stood because I wanted a relationship. He said we should talk in person. Uh-oh. So we did. He told me I'm great and he thinks we click really well but he heard from his ex and he's depressed and not ready. They had been together for 4.5 years and he moved across the country with her. It had only been slightly over a month when they broke up that he started seeing me. I guess she broke up with him and it was "really bad" (I'm thinking she cheated). It's clear he still cares about her and has feelings for her because he told me how bad he feels that she's having a hard time right now. But anywho. All that aside, he wants to be friends.
I like him. I WANT to be friends. But now I'm overthinking this into a hole. This conversation went down last Sunday and I didn't hear from him all week except for Friday, when I texted him. It wasn't unusual for me not to hear from him for a few days, and also he moved this week, so I recognize that he's busy. I also know that since he's depressed he'll likely be more distant because such is the nature of depression. But when I don't hear from him I can't help but think that I won't hear from him and then I get sad. To add another dimension, I just moved home from college, and I don't have as many friends here to go out with consistently. I loved having him to go out with. He would also go to shows with me, which I don't get to do as much. So I think that's a big chunk of what I miss so much.
I just don't know how much to push this friendship. The fact that I have feelings for him and he was clearly developing feelings for me makes it more complicated. I want to see him. But I also want to respect the fact that he needs space and not overdo it. I'm thinking about texting him and saying hey, why don't we try and go to a show together every couple of weeks? Does that sound good or do you want more space? But then the other part of me thinks I shouldn't text him and see if I hear from him just to see if he REALLY wants to be friends. Probably a bad idea, but ugh, feels.
I have every intention of dating other people and not waiting. But I also feel on some level that the likelihood that I'll meet someone I click with as well in the next, say, year or two is unlikely.
I just don't want this to turn into the kind of thing where I am putting all of the work into the friendship. I really dislike one-sided relationships of any sort. What would you do?
A little while ago, I posted this question about my first real relationship.
Welp, everything was great! Until it wasn't. To make a long story short, I noticed he seemed more distant and things weren't progressing, so I texted him basically asking where he thought we stood because I wanted a relationship. He said we should talk in person. Uh-oh. So we did. He told me I'm great and he thinks we click really well but he heard from his ex and he's depressed and not ready. They had been together for 4.5 years and he moved across the country with her. It had only been slightly over a month when they broke up that he started seeing me. I guess she broke up with him and it was "really bad" (I'm thinking she cheated). It's clear he still cares about her and has feelings for her because he told me how bad he feels that she's having a hard time right now. But anywho. All that aside, he wants to be friends.
I like him. I WANT to be friends. But now I'm overthinking this into a hole. This conversation went down last Sunday and I didn't hear from him all week except for Friday, when I texted him. It wasn't unusual for me not to hear from him for a few days, and also he moved this week, so I recognize that he's busy. I also know that since he's depressed he'll likely be more distant because such is the nature of depression. But when I don't hear from him I can't help but think that I won't hear from him and then I get sad. To add another dimension, I just moved home from college, and I don't have as many friends here to go out with consistently. I loved having him to go out with. He would also go to shows with me, which I don't get to do as much. So I think that's a big chunk of what I miss so much.
I just don't know how much to push this friendship. The fact that I have feelings for him and he was clearly developing feelings for me makes it more complicated. I want to see him. But I also want to respect the fact that he needs space and not overdo it. I'm thinking about texting him and saying hey, why don't we try and go to a show together every couple of weeks? Does that sound good or do you want more space? But then the other part of me thinks I shouldn't text him and see if I hear from him just to see if he REALLY wants to be friends. Probably a bad idea, but ugh, feels.
I have every intention of dating other people and not waiting. But I also feel on some level that the likelihood that I'll meet someone I click with as well in the next, say, year or two is unlikely.
I just don't want this to turn into the kind of thing where I am putting all of the work into the friendship. I really dislike one-sided relationships of any sort. What would you do?
I think you'd get a better return on investment if you sought ought new friends to hang out with. There's too much baggage with this guy to keep it fun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:51 PM on December 12, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:51 PM on December 12, 2015 [22 favorites]
It wasn't unusual for me not to hear from him for a few days, and also he moved this week, so I recognize that he's busy. I also know that since he's depressed he'll likely be more distant because such is the nature of depression.
Ugh. You are making up reasons that aren't the reason. The reason is he ≠you.
I just moved home from college, and I don't have as many friends here to go out with consistently. I loved having him to go out with.
Find some new friends.
posted by headnsouth at 7:00 PM on December 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ugh. You are making up reasons that aren't the reason. The reason is he ≠you.
I just moved home from college, and I don't have as many friends here to go out with consistently. I loved having him to go out with.
Find some new friends.
posted by headnsouth at 7:00 PM on December 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
He doesn't really want to be friends.
posted by TryTheTilapia
...and neither do you, actually. You'd rather you two were still dating. It's okay to take a pass, and wish him well.
But I also feel on some level that the likelihood that I'll meet someone I click with as well in the next, say, year or two is unlikely.
That's the "anxiety" level, and it's not your friend either.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:32 PM on December 12, 2015 [37 favorites]
posted by TryTheTilapia
...and neither do you, actually. You'd rather you two were still dating. It's okay to take a pass, and wish him well.
But I also feel on some level that the likelihood that I'll meet someone I click with as well in the next, say, year or two is unlikely.
That's the "anxiety" level, and it's not your friend either.
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:32 PM on December 12, 2015 [37 favorites]
Sometimes people say they "just want to be friends" in order to let someone down easy, and they don't really mean they want an ongoing friendship. It's very possible that's what he meant.
More importantly, however, is that just because someone says "Let's be friends," that doesn't mean you need to agree to an ongoing friendship. If having a friendship is going to make you feel insecure, upset, anxious, or otherwise bad, it's ok (and good!) to prioritize your own feelings and to say that you don't want that kind of relationship.
Your own feelings, needs, and desires are important. Make sure you're factoring them into the decisions you're making.
posted by jaguar at 7:51 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
More importantly, however, is that just because someone says "Let's be friends," that doesn't mean you need to agree to an ongoing friendship. If having a friendship is going to make you feel insecure, upset, anxious, or otherwise bad, it's ok (and good!) to prioritize your own feelings and to say that you don't want that kind of relationship.
Your own feelings, needs, and desires are important. Make sure you're factoring them into the decisions you're making.
posted by jaguar at 7:51 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
The ball is in his court. If he really wants to be friends, he'll try to be friends. Pushing a friendship is just going to make everyone uncomfortable. If you don't hear from him after a month or two, maybe a short text with "hey long time no see :) I saw [band we like] is playing next week. I'm planning on going--want to join?". If he's interested in being friends, that's a safe way to test the waters, but I'd give him a lot of time/space before trying. That'll also give you the space you need to stop thinking of him in a romantic context. Good luck!
posted by greta simone at 8:05 PM on December 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 8:05 PM on December 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Wow, 4.5 years with someone and then started dating you within a month? It's really hard to process the end of a long relationship...It's a lot of work starting a new relationship...Trying to do both at once? I think it's completely normal, healthy, huge sign in his favor that he wants some space. He needs to work on disentangling his own identity from the old relationship, process the feels, explore himself for a while.
To me, it sounds like he was leaving the door open with you. I would keep in touch, but definitely give him lotslotslots of space. Be his friend. Live your life, try to meet others. If it becomes one-sided, walk away.
posted by hannahelastic at 8:17 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
To me, it sounds like he was leaving the door open with you. I would keep in touch, but definitely give him lotslotslots of space. Be his friend. Live your life, try to meet others. If it becomes one-sided, walk away.
posted by hannahelastic at 8:17 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think, as a general rule, it's pretty safe to say you don't end up being friends with your first ex.
I don't know a single person who is, and even me and my first girlfriend although we tried to stay friends(after taking a break and everything) just sort of drifted apart because we realized we were headed down very different paths in life.
I guess the number one thing i'd say is give it serious time, like 6 months. Maybe even a year. If you end up reconnecting and being friends then it'll work out fine. If you don't, it wasn't really going to happen anyways.
Ending up in different cities is exactly how it worked out for me, too. And what caused a lot of the natural drifting. We've chatted a few times when we ended up at the same common_interest_event over the years and are still "friends" on social media, but that's about it.
My final comment would be, please don't get back in to a relationship with this person in like 4 months when they change their mind. Nothing good will come of that.(not speaking from personal experiences here, but from many flameouts i watched with friends)
posted by emptythought at 8:19 PM on December 12, 2015
I don't know a single person who is, and even me and my first girlfriend although we tried to stay friends(after taking a break and everything) just sort of drifted apart because we realized we were headed down very different paths in life.
I guess the number one thing i'd say is give it serious time, like 6 months. Maybe even a year. If you end up reconnecting and being friends then it'll work out fine. If you don't, it wasn't really going to happen anyways.
Ending up in different cities is exactly how it worked out for me, too. And what caused a lot of the natural drifting. We've chatted a few times when we ended up at the same common_interest_event over the years and are still "friends" on social media, but that's about it.
My final comment would be, please don't get back in to a relationship with this person in like 4 months when they change their mind. Nothing good will come of that.(not speaking from personal experiences here, but from many flameouts i watched with friends)
posted by emptythought at 8:19 PM on December 12, 2015
I've been in your shoes here and the attempt to be "friends" leads nowhere good. Here are some reasons why:
- you do not actually want to be his friend; you want to be his girlfriend
- he is emotionally not available to be your boyfriend
- but he IS in a tumultuous period where he very well may wind up turning to you for affection/sex even though he doesn't want to really be with you; this hurts worse than a clean break
It sounds like there is some geographic distance between you which will probably take care of this anyway and it will all just fade out. But if you do get that late night text? Recognize it for what it is; don't let wishful thinking take over. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 PM on December 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
- you do not actually want to be his friend; you want to be his girlfriend
- he is emotionally not available to be your boyfriend
- but he IS in a tumultuous period where he very well may wind up turning to you for affection/sex even though he doesn't want to really be with you; this hurts worse than a clean break
It sounds like there is some geographic distance between you which will probably take care of this anyway and it will all just fade out. But if you do get that late night text? Recognize it for what it is; don't let wishful thinking take over. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 PM on December 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Just a quick clarification: we live very close. He lives across the country from his ex.
Also, we only dated for two months, and things never got beyond kissing. We never made it "official".
He also invited me to his work party (which he didn't end up going to) and his future housewarming party.
Answers are great. I'm not saying this to disagree with anyone's answer; just wanted to add some info. Keep 'em coming.
posted by Amy93 at 8:32 PM on December 12, 2015
Also, we only dated for two months, and things never got beyond kissing. We never made it "official".
He also invited me to his work party (which he didn't end up going to) and his future housewarming party.
Answers are great. I'm not saying this to disagree with anyone's answer; just wanted to add some info. Keep 'em coming.
posted by Amy93 at 8:32 PM on December 12, 2015
You can be friends!
It might wind up being some new variant on 'friend' that you haven't had before, different than other friendships. It might be your best friendship one day. But I'm going to suggest you adjust the timeframe for the development of that friendship.
Going from dating or seeing each other or significant other or whatever to friends isn't like shifting gears. You break up! You two broke up, and you should treat it like a break-up right now. Spend some time on yourself. Put the parts of you back together that got broken, and let him do the same. Down the road a ways, and I'm deliberately not being specific about how long, each of you might be in a place where friendship can happen. Might be a long time though. Seems like in your case it's going to be longer than a week.
For now, focus on yourself for a while, maybe reflect on your relationship and how you can grow coming out of it.
posted by saguaro at 8:58 PM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
It might wind up being some new variant on 'friend' that you haven't had before, different than other friendships. It might be your best friendship one day. But I'm going to suggest you adjust the timeframe for the development of that friendship.
Going from dating or seeing each other or significant other or whatever to friends isn't like shifting gears. You break up! You two broke up, and you should treat it like a break-up right now. Spend some time on yourself. Put the parts of you back together that got broken, and let him do the same. Down the road a ways, and I'm deliberately not being specific about how long, each of you might be in a place where friendship can happen. Might be a long time though. Seems like in your case it's going to be longer than a week.
For now, focus on yourself for a while, maybe reflect on your relationship and how you can grow coming out of it.
posted by saguaro at 8:58 PM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
What do you want? You say you want to be friends with him. I think based on what you wrote that you want something different from that - which is totally normal and totally fine and expected. The thing you want is not what he is giving you. Don't settle for a friendship with him. You are compromising your own feelings and prioritizing his.
Take care of yourself. Always, but especially right now. Breakups suck.
posted by sockermom at 9:11 PM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Take care of yourself. Always, but especially right now. Breakups suck.
posted by sockermom at 9:11 PM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
I thought of two more things. First, what about going to these shows you like alone? I didn't take myself on a date in public until I was about 28. I wish I had not waited so long. Going out in the world to do something I like - see a movie, eat a good meal, go to a museum, or see a concert - man, some of my most fun times are things I've gone and done alone. And it was uncomfortable at first but I got better at it, like with anything that is new and different. Why not try this? Start small and maybe work your way up to concerts.
You also mentioned that you don't like one-sided relationships. Again this is something that I did not learn until very recently (I'm in my 30s) but by worrying about what other people think of me and by doing things for other people without a serious thought about what I wanted and what was right for me? This makes the relationship one-sided and that one-sidedness is coming from me. If you are a people pleaser like I am this can be tremendously hard to work through but it is possible.
Mostly these two things boil down to taking care of yourself and treating yourself the way you would treat or be treated by someone you really love, or who really loves you.
posted by sockermom at 9:23 PM on December 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
You also mentioned that you don't like one-sided relationships. Again this is something that I did not learn until very recently (I'm in my 30s) but by worrying about what other people think of me and by doing things for other people without a serious thought about what I wanted and what was right for me? This makes the relationship one-sided and that one-sidedness is coming from me. If you are a people pleaser like I am this can be tremendously hard to work through but it is possible.
Mostly these two things boil down to taking care of yourself and treating yourself the way you would treat or be treated by someone you really love, or who really loves you.
posted by sockermom at 9:23 PM on December 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh honey. When I read your first question I felt a little bit that you might be disappointed. In terms of being friends, you should cut him off completely. Find new friends who love you and treat you well. Take a few months away from him and realize that's he's not putting ANYTHING into the relationship and he isn't your friend. Me-mail me any time for awkward but heartfelt encouragement.
posted by bendy at 9:29 PM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 9:29 PM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can't be friends. Not right now. Sorry.
You could probably have something that looks a lot like a friendship, if you TRY REALLY HARD and suppress your feelings ALL THE TIME and berate yourself whenever you over-think things-- like a normal person does when they're rationalise a situation that they can feel on a gut level is wrong.
This friendship is not worth that anxiety for you right now.
You can cut yourself off for a couple of months. Enough time to get some perspective to determine if this friendship is really something you want in your life.
posted by roshy at 10:07 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
You could probably have something that looks a lot like a friendship, if you TRY REALLY HARD and suppress your feelings ALL THE TIME and berate yourself whenever you over-think things-- like a normal person does when they're rationalise a situation that they can feel on a gut level is wrong.
This friendship is not worth that anxiety for you right now.
You can cut yourself off for a couple of months. Enough time to get some perspective to determine if this friendship is really something you want in your life.
posted by roshy at 10:07 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
So he's a nice guy and you smooched a few times and that's stopped. Maybe you two can be friends, maybe it was just pheromones. Usually the best way to actually build a friendship is to chill out from each other for a bit. If you're going to run into each other socially anyway, then be friendly and respectful of boundaries. A friendship will grow, or it won't, and you can put them in the "that was nice when it happened" category in your head and move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:14 PM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:14 PM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just don't know how much to push this friendship. You should drop this friendship like it's your favorite sweatshirt covered in dog diarrhea (which is a gross image that I want you to remember).
I'm not saying this to get fighty with other people who have responded but you should take all the advice suggesting you can be friends and mentally throw it in the rubbish.
You want to date this guy, which is completely understandable, but you're about to twist yourself into knots trying to make something, anything happen with him. Not a boyfriend, but maybe friends right now and you can live in hope that some day he'll change his mind? Don't do that to yourself.
It's going to be a massive waste of your energy. If you can expend that same amount of mental energy into meeting new people and getting out there and doing more things that you want to be doing, it's far better for you.
So ask yourself: what shows do you want to see? What activities do you want to try? Any sports events you'd like to check out? Any new bars? And then get out there and do those things.
When you start to think of this guy with those, "Maybe...someday..." thoughts, think of your favorite sweatshirt all disgusting and unfixably stinky and remember that's the road you and he were headed down.
posted by kinetic at 5:27 AM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm not saying this to get fighty with other people who have responded but you should take all the advice suggesting you can be friends and mentally throw it in the rubbish.
You want to date this guy, which is completely understandable, but you're about to twist yourself into knots trying to make something, anything happen with him. Not a boyfriend, but maybe friends right now and you can live in hope that some day he'll change his mind? Don't do that to yourself.
It's going to be a massive waste of your energy. If you can expend that same amount of mental energy into meeting new people and getting out there and doing more things that you want to be doing, it's far better for you.
So ask yourself: what shows do you want to see? What activities do you want to try? Any sports events you'd like to check out? Any new bars? And then get out there and do those things.
When you start to think of this guy with those, "Maybe...someday..." thoughts, think of your favorite sweatshirt all disgusting and unfixably stinky and remember that's the road you and he were headed down.
posted by kinetic at 5:27 AM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
A lot of good advice has already been given here.
My feeling from how you describe his behavior is that he means he wants to be "friends" in the sense of he thought he was ready to move on and date you, but he wasn't, and now he feels really embarrassed for leading on a nice, attractive person who had nothing to do with his emotional back-and-forth. So he is trying to bow out gracefully and let you know "it's not you, it's me."
This probably won't transform into a meaningful platonic relationship. Possible, but not likely.
It's okay though. It's really, really okay. I can tell you're a bit crushed over it, and I feel for you. One way you can view this is as a self-learning, an experience that confirms that your heart is open and you're ready for a real relationship.
I add my vote to the pile that when you say you really don't think you will meet anyone else, that feels like a logical statement you're making but it is really not. It's emotional reasoning that your anxiety brain is using to scare/control you. You sound like a really awesome person, and while no one can promise you you'll meet The One next week or ever, you have as much a chance of doing so as anyone else.
I had a nasty divorce after seven years from a guy I never should have married and then started dating this creepy ex-con guy who stole a bunch of money from me and nearly murdered me. While I was still entangled with that guy, I met my wonderful husband who I am now having a baby with. Somehow this happened even though I am ginormously fat and have severe generalized anxiety disorder.
All this to say, even if you feel like you're not the perfect catch, you can still find a great match for yourself and be happy, and it often comes at the moment you least expect it will.
posted by dissolvedgirl22 at 6:19 AM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
My feeling from how you describe his behavior is that he means he wants to be "friends" in the sense of he thought he was ready to move on and date you, but he wasn't, and now he feels really embarrassed for leading on a nice, attractive person who had nothing to do with his emotional back-and-forth. So he is trying to bow out gracefully and let you know "it's not you, it's me."
This probably won't transform into a meaningful platonic relationship. Possible, but not likely.
It's okay though. It's really, really okay. I can tell you're a bit crushed over it, and I feel for you. One way you can view this is as a self-learning, an experience that confirms that your heart is open and you're ready for a real relationship.
I add my vote to the pile that when you say you really don't think you will meet anyone else, that feels like a logical statement you're making but it is really not. It's emotional reasoning that your anxiety brain is using to scare/control you. You sound like a really awesome person, and while no one can promise you you'll meet The One next week or ever, you have as much a chance of doing so as anyone else.
I had a nasty divorce after seven years from a guy I never should have married and then started dating this creepy ex-con guy who stole a bunch of money from me and nearly murdered me. While I was still entangled with that guy, I met my wonderful husband who I am now having a baby with. Somehow this happened even though I am ginormously fat and have severe generalized anxiety disorder.
All this to say, even if you feel like you're not the perfect catch, you can still find a great match for yourself and be happy, and it often comes at the moment you least expect it will.
posted by dissolvedgirl22 at 6:19 AM on December 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
In addition to good points other people have made-- and respecting that you are addressing the anxiety in other ways-- I wish you would try not to push yourself so much. Being friends here isn't worth it if it's going to involve a lot of heavy lifting from you, either in terms of carrying his share of the friendship in addition to your own, or managing a lot of emotions that are out of proportion to a friendship.
Sometimes it seems like we should be able to say yes to friendship because why not? It seems like the cool thing to do. But if it feels difficult, just give yourself a break and don't.
posted by BibiRose at 7:15 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sometimes it seems like we should be able to say yes to friendship because why not? It seems like the cool thing to do. But if it feels difficult, just give yourself a break and don't.
posted by BibiRose at 7:15 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
When someone dumps you and then "just wants to be friends" it's like your boss firing you from your high powered job and then offering to employ you to clean the toilets. You take it because it's better than no job at all, but spend every day resenting your downgrade and wasting time you could be spending looking for a new job. This is not to say you can't ever be friends, but keep a distance until you feel you have moved on.
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:08 AM on December 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:08 AM on December 13, 2015 [10 favorites]
He's not ready to be friends with you or for a girlfriend. That's okay!
Go on about your life, and distance yourself. There are plenty of other people out there, both for dating and for friendships. Take some classes (for fun or for education,) do some volunteer work, go out with your colleagues for happy hour after work, eventually it will come together.
When you first move you'll have false starts like this. You meet some cool people, you date a guy, it all seems so 'meant to be.' Then the guy has issues, or the new friend is a flake, or whatever. It seems more important because this is a new place, your fresh start!
Just roll with it. Hang with your family for the holidays. Nurse your disappointment. Know that this is such a blip that in a year you'll wonder why you were so wrapped around the axle about it. It seems bigger than it is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:25 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Go on about your life, and distance yourself. There are plenty of other people out there, both for dating and for friendships. Take some classes (for fun or for education,) do some volunteer work, go out with your colleagues for happy hour after work, eventually it will come together.
When you first move you'll have false starts like this. You meet some cool people, you date a guy, it all seems so 'meant to be.' Then the guy has issues, or the new friend is a flake, or whatever. It seems more important because this is a new place, your fresh start!
Just roll with it. Hang with your family for the holidays. Nurse your disappointment. Know that this is such a blip that in a year you'll wonder why you were so wrapped around the axle about it. It seems bigger than it is.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:25 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I got into a relationship about 7 months after leaving a very long relationship and it was a rebound for me even though I hadn't meant for it to be. I feel pretty guilty about that, but that first relationship after a really long years plus one? It's difficult to sort feelings out.
posted by discopolo at 9:11 AM on December 13, 2015
posted by discopolo at 9:11 AM on December 13, 2015
"When someone dumps you and then "just wants to be friends" it's like your boss firing you from your high powered job and then offering to employ you to clean the toilets. You take it because it's better than no job at all, but spend every day resenting your downgrade and wasting time you could be spending looking for a new job."
YUP.
Also, "let's be friends" can frequently translate into "I just don't want you to be mad at me because I dumped you." As in, I don't care if I ever see you again, I just want you to put a good face on so I don't feel bad and guilty.
Either way, you cannot be friends as long as you wish you were dating him, so right now you can't be even fake "friends" (which it would be right now). You can go to shows on your own, it's okay. I totally do it. It's not a problem when you have set seating tickets--I actually think it's more difficult to go to movies alone if there's a lot of people at them and they're shoving over you to fit in their twelve friends. (My suggestion: don't go when the movie JUST came out and is popular.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:30 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
YUP.
Also, "let's be friends" can frequently translate into "I just don't want you to be mad at me because I dumped you." As in, I don't care if I ever see you again, I just want you to put a good face on so I don't feel bad and guilty.
Either way, you cannot be friends as long as you wish you were dating him, so right now you can't be even fake "friends" (which it would be right now). You can go to shows on your own, it's okay. I totally do it. It's not a problem when you have set seating tickets--I actually think it's more difficult to go to movies alone if there's a lot of people at them and they're shoving over you to fit in their twelve friends. (My suggestion: don't go when the movie JUST came out and is popular.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:30 AM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the replies. They've been insightful and I feel better.
I think I'm gonna give myself a few weeks to calm down, then decide if I want to and can be friends. He seemed very genuine, and he invited me to his housewarming party, so I'm totally unsure whether or not I'd go to that, if it ends up happening.
Now to not text him. I may need to re-read this thread, haha.
posted by Amy93 at 11:10 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think I'm gonna give myself a few weeks to calm down, then decide if I want to and can be friends. He seemed very genuine, and he invited me to his housewarming party, so I'm totally unsure whether or not I'd go to that, if it ends up happening.
Now to not text him. I may need to re-read this thread, haha.
posted by Amy93 at 11:10 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's possible to be friends, but you have to get over the broken romance first. And that just plain may take some time. (It's exactly the reason he also probably shouldn't have started something with you, too - he wasn't 100% over his ex yet.)
And the best way to gauge whether you're ready to be "friends" yet? Imagine him excitedly telling you he has a new girlfriend, and that he wants you to meet her or he wants to tell you all about her. If the idea of him doing that gives you a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, you're not ready to be friends.
And there's no prediction when it comes to how long it'll take you to get to the point when you can be friends. The last two guys I had any kind of dating stuff with, for one guy it's taken me a year to get to the point that I maybe could handle it, and for the other guy it only took like a half hour.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:31 AM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
And the best way to gauge whether you're ready to be "friends" yet? Imagine him excitedly telling you he has a new girlfriend, and that he wants you to meet her or he wants to tell you all about her. If the idea of him doing that gives you a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, you're not ready to be friends.
And there's no prediction when it comes to how long it'll take you to get to the point when you can be friends. The last two guys I had any kind of dating stuff with, for one guy it's taken me a year to get to the point that I maybe could handle it, and for the other guy it only took like a half hour.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:31 AM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
he invited me to his housewarming party, so I'm totally unsure whether or not I'd go to that, if it ends up happening.
Now to not text him. I may need to re-read this thread, haha.
1. Don't go.
2. Delete his number so you can't text him.
posted by kinetic at 12:40 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now to not text him. I may need to re-read this thread, haha.
1. Don't go.
2. Delete his number so you can't text him.
posted by kinetic at 12:40 PM on December 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
When someone dumps you and then "just wants to be friends" it's like your boss firing you from your high powered job and then offering to employ you to clean the toilets.
This analogy is so apt that I want to hug @intensitymultiply for writing it. Nailed it.
The only reason you take a toilet cleaning job is if it's genuinely a path to something more high powered. Examples:
Situation 1 is where you know where the company secrets are hidden, and if they give you the keys to the toilets which are also master keys to the office, you're going to go int here and steal all their code onto a USB drive and start a competing company and put them out of business. (This is the revenge-based, seduce-and-destroy version where you hate your ex and have some great way of hurting him while bettering yourself. You seem too nice for this and these situations are rare anyway, but very sweet.)
Situation 2 is where you are sure that the boss is such an idiot that he will see you doing a great job cleaning toilets and eventually hire you back and offer you equity in the company, thinking it was his idea. But at this point you will know you'll never respect him, and you're only in it for the money. (This is where your dumb fiance decided to have a fling with a 19 year old and you think it's likely that it'll run its course and he'll come crawling back, and you don't/won't ever actually respect him again, but it makes better financial sense for you to go through with the wedding and break up somewhere down the road.)
Situation 3 is where you need something about the social relationship, which staying in the business analogy is like saying you need health insurance temporarily. It's a pain in one's dignity, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I stayed friends with an ex once because I needed him in my social network for work reasons. I basically held my nose every time I had to speak with him, but I did it anyway and promised myself that I hadn't given up my dignity, I'd just postponed it, for financial reasons. I pretended to admire and adore him in exchange for introductions I needed.
Typically one does not stay friends with exes. IMO, exes are the enemy, especially when they're the dumpers.
You asked, "What would you do?" I'd be looking out for situations 1-3 as described above. asking myself what's in it for me, and recognizing internally that I hate his effing guts even if there might be some beneficial / resource-related reason for us to interact.
Anger and hatred can run their course, but in my experience, what's required is atonement or tragedy (occurring to them). Atonement = you see a tangible transfer of resources/effort/etc from them to you, in tangible exchange for the time wasting and self-serving emotional hurt the other person carelessly callously put you through, causing time and emotional losses you won't ever recover. (Atonement can technically be directed at someone else also -- I'd likely "forgive" an ex who devoted a big part of his life/money to really and truly helping others.) Tragedy = something so bad happens to them that you feel sorry for them.
When I was younger I loved and tried to stay friends with exes. In some ways, it makes theoretical sense in the situation where everyone is honest and looking out for the other person. But usually, this isn't the case and at least one person (often the dumper) has really done self-serving, careless, and/or callous harm to the other. I wish I could still live in that world of unicorns, rainbows, and puppies falling out of the sky where my heart wants to still love and be friends with my ex, and my brain thinks it's a good idea. Those days are sadly over though, at least for now.
posted by omg_parrots at 11:57 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
This analogy is so apt that I want to hug @intensitymultiply for writing it. Nailed it.
The only reason you take a toilet cleaning job is if it's genuinely a path to something more high powered. Examples:
Situation 1 is where you know where the company secrets are hidden, and if they give you the keys to the toilets which are also master keys to the office, you're going to go int here and steal all their code onto a USB drive and start a competing company and put them out of business. (This is the revenge-based, seduce-and-destroy version where you hate your ex and have some great way of hurting him while bettering yourself. You seem too nice for this and these situations are rare anyway, but very sweet.)
Situation 2 is where you are sure that the boss is such an idiot that he will see you doing a great job cleaning toilets and eventually hire you back and offer you equity in the company, thinking it was his idea. But at this point you will know you'll never respect him, and you're only in it for the money. (This is where your dumb fiance decided to have a fling with a 19 year old and you think it's likely that it'll run its course and he'll come crawling back, and you don't/won't ever actually respect him again, but it makes better financial sense for you to go through with the wedding and break up somewhere down the road.)
Situation 3 is where you need something about the social relationship, which staying in the business analogy is like saying you need health insurance temporarily. It's a pain in one's dignity, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I stayed friends with an ex once because I needed him in my social network for work reasons. I basically held my nose every time I had to speak with him, but I did it anyway and promised myself that I hadn't given up my dignity, I'd just postponed it, for financial reasons. I pretended to admire and adore him in exchange for introductions I needed.
Typically one does not stay friends with exes. IMO, exes are the enemy, especially when they're the dumpers.
You asked, "What would you do?" I'd be looking out for situations 1-3 as described above. asking myself what's in it for me, and recognizing internally that I hate his effing guts even if there might be some beneficial / resource-related reason for us to interact.
Anger and hatred can run their course, but in my experience, what's required is atonement or tragedy (occurring to them). Atonement = you see a tangible transfer of resources/effort/etc from them to you, in tangible exchange for the time wasting and self-serving emotional hurt the other person carelessly callously put you through, causing time and emotional losses you won't ever recover. (Atonement can technically be directed at someone else also -- I'd likely "forgive" an ex who devoted a big part of his life/money to really and truly helping others.) Tragedy = something so bad happens to them that you feel sorry for them.
When I was younger I loved and tried to stay friends with exes. In some ways, it makes theoretical sense in the situation where everyone is honest and looking out for the other person. But usually, this isn't the case and at least one person (often the dumper) has really done self-serving, careless, and/or callous harm to the other. I wish I could still live in that world of unicorns, rainbows, and puppies falling out of the sky where my heart wants to still love and be friends with my ex, and my brain thinks it's a good idea. Those days are sadly over though, at least for now.
posted by omg_parrots at 11:57 PM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Typically one does not stay friends with exes. IMO, exes are the enemy, especially when they're the dumpers.
In my experience, this is massively untrue. I am friends with most of my exes, was roommates with one for five years after we broke up. Being friends with exes is absolutely doable (absent things like abuse obviously). Personally, I view being friends with exes as a sign of maturity and ability to communicate and navigate changing relationships.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:20 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my experience, this is massively untrue. I am friends with most of my exes, was roommates with one for five years after we broke up. Being friends with exes is absolutely doable (absent things like abuse obviously). Personally, I view being friends with exes as a sign of maturity and ability to communicate and navigate changing relationships.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:20 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread speaks to my own situation; I am a little further along than you are though, and I can say that as someone who was in your shoes not long ago, THEY ARE ALL RIGHT. You have to cut off contact.
I love intensitymultiply's comment SO MUCH.
"When someone dumps you and then "just wants to be friends" it's like your boss firing you from your high powered job and then offering to employ you to clean the toilets. You take it because it's better than no job at all, but spend every day resenting your downgrade and wasting time you could be spending looking for a new job."
THIS, a gazillion times. DO. NOT. SETTLE. Every time you start to feel yourself wanting to give in, you are inching back towards that place where you subjugate yourself and get nothing back.
Do not settle. DON'T. You deserve a life that serves you. Do not allow zero-return relationships to take over your mind and heart. If he wants you, I assume he is a grown-ass man capable of using all the current forms of technology. You do not need to do his work for him. He will find you if he wants to. If he doesn't, and you keep picking up the slack, thinking you're "helping" or "being nice", you are failing yourself. Let time and distance do the work. And in the meantime, you LIVE. You take care of yourself. You find what matters to you.
FYI- this is the hardest lesson life has ever tried to teach me. I am not proud of how long it's taken me to learn it. I am sure I am a lot older than you are. :-)
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I love intensitymultiply's comment SO MUCH.
"When someone dumps you and then "just wants to be friends" it's like your boss firing you from your high powered job and then offering to employ you to clean the toilets. You take it because it's better than no job at all, but spend every day resenting your downgrade and wasting time you could be spending looking for a new job."
THIS, a gazillion times. DO. NOT. SETTLE. Every time you start to feel yourself wanting to give in, you are inching back towards that place where you subjugate yourself and get nothing back.
Do not settle. DON'T. You deserve a life that serves you. Do not allow zero-return relationships to take over your mind and heart. If he wants you, I assume he is a grown-ass man capable of using all the current forms of technology. You do not need to do his work for him. He will find you if he wants to. If he doesn't, and you keep picking up the slack, thinking you're "helping" or "being nice", you are failing yourself. Let time and distance do the work. And in the meantime, you LIVE. You take care of yourself. You find what matters to you.
FYI- this is the hardest lesson life has ever tried to teach me. I am not proud of how long it's taken me to learn it. I am sure I am a lot older than you are. :-)
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nix to the Housewarming. No contact is what you need to move forward for YOU. What if he's there with a new person he's dating? That's no fun.
Skip it, go to a movie.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:03 AM on December 14, 2015
Skip it, go to a movie.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:03 AM on December 14, 2015
Response by poster: Welp, a small update: he asked me to coffee. So it seems like, if I DO decide to remain friends, it will at least be mutual (which I didn't think it would be in my original question).
posted by Amy93 at 6:18 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by Amy93 at 6:18 PM on December 14, 2015
Please don't do it if you want anything more than a friendship. He is doing you no favors. He is being selfish. He wants to think he's a good guy. At best, he is naively disregarding your feelings. At worst, he doesn't care about your feelings.
Being friends with someone you want more with comes at the cost of suppressing your emotions, and constantly second-guessing your judgement. It can be crushing.
If you can't sit down with him for coffee and hear him announce he's back with his ex with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, do not do this thing.
posted by roshy at 10:12 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Being friends with someone you want more with comes at the cost of suppressing your emotions, and constantly second-guessing your judgement. It can be crushing.
If you can't sit down with him for coffee and hear him announce he's back with his ex with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, do not do this thing.
posted by roshy at 10:12 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Roshy speaks the truth. And I verify it through my own experience, over and over again. Do not interpret overtures as evidence of reciprocated feelings. He is soothing his own mind. You will be perpetuating your own anxiety.
WAIT. There will always be time to meet for coffee. You do not need to do it now, when your emotions are raw. You think being with him is the remedy. It's not. It's the cause.
Let some time pass during which you clear him from your mind. (God, I am talking to myself as much as to you). Trust me. Take back your power.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:23 AM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
WAIT. There will always be time to meet for coffee. You do not need to do it now, when your emotions are raw. You think being with him is the remedy. It's not. It's the cause.
Let some time pass during which you clear him from your mind. (God, I am talking to myself as much as to you). Trust me. Take back your power.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:23 AM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm seriously all Team Ex Friends (two of my best friends in the entire WORLD are guys I dated, one of whom I dated for over a year and would have married if he'd asked me back then). But even I agree that it may be too soon to get coffee with this guy, unless:
a) you go into it as a summit meeting rather than being a normal hangout,
b) you keep it brief, and
c) you spell out for him that you're gonna need to hang back for a little bit after this and get over him a little before you can go to being back to casual chill hangouts.
Because you do need to do that. And I'm telling you this as someone who didn't do that with those two guys who are now my friends - and while I did ultimately come to be fine with it, it took way longer than it needed to than it would have if I'd kept my distance for a couple months or so.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:21 AM on December 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
a) you go into it as a summit meeting rather than being a normal hangout,
b) you keep it brief, and
c) you spell out for him that you're gonna need to hang back for a little bit after this and get over him a little before you can go to being back to casual chill hangouts.
Because you do need to do that. And I'm telling you this as someone who didn't do that with those two guys who are now my friends - and while I did ultimately come to be fine with it, it took way longer than it needed to than it would have if I'd kept my distance for a couple months or so.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:21 AM on December 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:49 PM on December 12, 2015 [28 favorites]