One damn thing after another, right?

December 11, 2015 9:00 PM

I have no idea how to even put one foot in front of the other.

I am on disability until January 4 for PTSD following an assault earlier this year. I was on a mild sort of upswing until this Saturday, when I fell off a ladder while hanging Christmas lights. I ended up with a severely dislocated and slightly fractured left elbow. I'm in constant pain, but still trying so hard to keep getting psychologically better so I can return to work on schedule.

This evening I received a letter from my disability insurance company. I and my supervisors believed I had six months worth of 100% salary through this insurance. This letter told me my payments have ended as of yesterday. That's six weeks without any income ahead of me; I have no cushion to speak of.

I have no idea how to keep climbing out of this pit. I feel like any happy talk or positive framing I give it is just delusional at this point.

My work says I am not alone and they will help me figure it out. I know they will try, but it just feels so hopeless. Whoever convinced an insurance company to extend a claim?

How do I cope with this? My concentration is shot. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, both of which I think are really appropriate responses to the whole situation of my life.

I am in therapy, lots of it, but here I am facing down a weekend inside my own head and with my fucking arm killing me. So...how can I frame this to myself in a way that's hopefullish, but not delusional?

posted by The Noble Goofy Elk to Human Relations (13 answers total)

If you want to bring out big guns, get your facts in order (it's an insurance company, on balance they're probably jerking you around, be sure you have a leg to stand on), and connect with local citizen advocate journalists. The kind of people, ideally on tv, who like to name and shame corporations.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:14 PM on December 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Can you get state disability? If the location in your profile is still accurate, I believe CA pays 55% of your salary for a certain number of weeks. It could be that you already used this, but if not, that could help.

If it was a joint mistake, would your work give you an advance on your 1/15 paycheck that you could stretch across eight weeks? Or maybe they could move your start date to 12/15 and let your paid time off balances go negative so that you could get some money on 12/29 or so?

As for this weekend, for me the best approach to this kind of shitty waiting game is a delicate balance between wallowing and distraction, such as books and movies where other people's lives fall apart. :) (Maybe that's just me?) Any amount of exercise, walking, or exposure to the outdoors helps if you can bring yourself to do that.

Between food banks and the time an eviction or foreclosure takes, you will definitely stay fed and housed for the next six weeks. Your finances might be a bit messed up, but you will get through this.
posted by salvia at 9:54 PM on December 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

By the way, I'm sorry if my "other people's lives fall apart" line sounded jokey. It was meant in a spirit of dark humor, but not intended to make light of what you're going through. When I was utterly broke and miserable, I did find solace in the most depressing movies and music.
posted by salvia at 10:30 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

If your elbow hurts that much, maybe you should be on painkillers. Might make you loopy enough to help your mood a bit, too. (Not suggesting you hit the drugs without a doctor's OK, though.)

Remember, this stuff is all temporary. You won't have a busted arm forever. You won't be facing this kind of financial pinch forever. This will all pass.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:33 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: On a practical note, how about crowdfunding with Go Fund Me? It give you something to do and feel proactive about. You'll be able to get some money to help you through those six weeks and it will likely also result in you getting some positive messages of encouragement / sympathy from your family and friends, which might make you feel a bit better.

And keep in mind that it's not going to last forever. Try imagining what your life will be like in six months or a year when all of this is behind you. Stay strong :)
posted by ananci at 11:01 PM on December 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

My work says I am not alone and they will help me figure it out. I know they will try, but it just feels so hopeless. Whoever convinced an insurance company to extend a claim?

This is a big thing. This is so much better than "Oh, sorry. See you next year!" You may be hopeless and overwhelmed, but the HR department at your company is not. They are the people who contract with the insurance company; they are the people who actually do succeed in convincing them to pay claims. I don't know what your industry is, but there may be a donated PTO bank they can help you access, or they may be able and willing to prorate your salary for X months to provide an additional six weeks of full pay now.

Also note that California has mandatory Short Term Disability you have paid into. Please clarify with HR if you have expended this as part of your private health insurance.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:34 AM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]

I work in insurance, but not this kind of insurance.

It would be worth going over the insurance policy with (HR?) and having them talk to the insurance company's claims handler, to see if anything was missed or any more supplemental information (like a letter from your doctor?) in terms of the details provided that would increase the value of your claim, or get coverage under additional sections of the policy.

I don't want to get your hopes up, but it can't hurt to try.
posted by lizbunny at 7:07 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm on painkillers, but they seem to confuse me more than effect my mood :-(

I know it's true that a year from now this will be one of those things that's so fuzzy I'm not even sure what happened in what order. I need to try to focus on that more than what is in front of my face, because I am just so scared.

The assault happened when I was on a work trip, and I think my boss reminding our corporate overlords of this might go aways towards getting things fixed. If it doesn't, a gofundme, while it feels awful and selfish, might be the way to go.

Thanks so much for the responses & memails, and any more suggestions about how to get through the weekend are so very welcome and appreciated.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:35 AM on December 12, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I have depression and recently hurt my rotator cuff. The chronic pain was a real drain on my emotional resources and resilience so keep in mind that the pain is making this all feel bigger. Not that it isn't big, but the pain amplifies the input and diminishes your ability to navigate it. Some things you just have to get though. This weekend is one of then. You can do it. You've already survived. You're here. You can go on.
posted by orsonet at 11:56 AM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]

Check your memail.
posted by Michele in California at 1:59 PM on December 12, 2015

Best answer: 2nd orsonet. I think it's an idea to maybe just attend to the physical side of things for now.

Offering the following in case it helps - I'm also in a run of not-great life happenings; also dealing with an injury that's making things much harder than I'd like. I'm in - I think? - week 3 of pretty restricted movement; have another 5 to go, and more pain likely for several months. Not using NSAIDs as they interfere with healing; not taking percocet because it also makes me fuzzy.

Weeks 1 and 2 were miserable, didn't do much of anything - which was necessary. Once I started feeling better, I stupidly (out of frustration) physically pushed myself further than I should have, which set me back a bit in terms of pain (i.e. increased it to the level of the first few days; it had been getting better).

So I had to take everything way back, and respect this pain. I had to accept that this pain is just going to be defining the contours of my life for a while, and take it for the signalling system it is. It's telling me that I can do things, as long as they don't hurt, and it's telling me to stop, when things hurt. I have to trust it, and also trust that I will heal.

So that's also my advice - accept that things are miserable for now. Move, when things don't hurt. Stop when they do. Listen to your pain, physical and emotional. Trust that you will heal.

(I focused on making myself as comfortable as possible at home. Hacked some ergo arrangements to make life easier. That's helped, and that's what I suggest you do right now - focus on making friends with your pain-boss/familiar and living around it and with it. You get used to it, eventually [or I did]. At some point, it'll fade away into a pain ghost you'll barely remember, like you say.)

As far as "why now" and "my plans are thrown" - don't go there, just don't. Radical acceptance is the only way.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:58 PM on December 12, 2015 [3 favorites]

There's always self-indulgence! Do things you enjoy. If you can't afford to do those things, there's always long baths, music, etc. Treat yourself like it's your birthday. Watching funny (or relaxing) videos and movies would also be good. If you write, DEFINITELY try some writing. It's a good way to put yourself in another world for a while, a world where you have all the control. Video games are good for that too, as long as it's a relatively easy game where you get to be awesome. Games with lots of scary zombies popping up, you probably don't want those. A sandbox world game could be good, where you could wander around and explore. Or an "escape the room" game could keep your brain busy.

Read a favorite book, or a new book you have reason to think won't make you too depressed or anxious. I've read that when they scanned the brains of people reading, they responded as if the stuff in the book was literally happening to them. Reading is powerful stuff.

If you have a reliable source of sexy times, that's worth a try too. Sexy times have gotten me through some really dark days. Sex can be really intense when you're hurting and scared. At times like that your inner monkey is very close to the surface, and having sex with somebody you're close to can be super intense and life-affirming. There's a reason why everybody shags after earthquakes and stuff. (If you are flying solo right now, maybe try that too.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:55 PM on December 12, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks so much everyone for the creative suggestions and helpful ideas.

I did start a funding page and that's going well and making my heart so full of gratitude to boot.

It's the end of the weekend. I got through it. Monday my bosses start fighting the insurance company, which won't work but will make me feel empowered anyway.

There were so many things this year that I could have gotten through without metafilter, but I would never want to, I shudder to think of life without y'all.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:40 PM on December 13, 2015 [4 favorites]