What to do when someone at work asks you out
December 8, 2015 12:55 PM Subscribe
And you like the person but you're seeing someone
A guy at my work sent me an email to ask me to a show tomorrow. Its not clear whether its a date or not, but it really seems like it, since he sent it only to me.
I just started working there a month ago and I felt a good friend-potential vibe with that guy right away. He's introverted and clever and quiet, which it just my type. If I wasnt seeing someone, I would say yes in an instant. BUt Ive been seeing a guy for about 2 months that I like.
I dont want to hurt his feelings, or dampen the friendship potential, or create a weird dynamic at work by saying no ( I see him like 5 times a day sometimes). But going would create a lot of stress and anxiety for me, since im still getting used to this job and Im pretty shy.
Please help! I need to respond to his email before the end of the day.
A guy at my work sent me an email to ask me to a show tomorrow. Its not clear whether its a date or not, but it really seems like it, since he sent it only to me.
I just started working there a month ago and I felt a good friend-potential vibe with that guy right away. He's introverted and clever and quiet, which it just my type. If I wasnt seeing someone, I would say yes in an instant. BUt Ive been seeing a guy for about 2 months that I like.
I dont want to hurt his feelings, or dampen the friendship potential, or create a weird dynamic at work by saying no ( I see him like 5 times a day sometimes). But going would create a lot of stress and anxiety for me, since im still getting used to this job and Im pretty shy.
Please help! I need to respond to his email before the end of the day.
Response by poster: What if I say something like
'Sure, sounds great. But it has to be as friends since I'm seeing someone right now.'
Is that making too much of an assumption that he wants it to be a date?
posted by winterportage at 1:07 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
'Sure, sounds great. But it has to be as friends since I'm seeing someone right now.'
Is that making too much of an assumption that he wants it to be a date?
posted by winterportage at 1:07 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: There is a scene in the new Aziz Ansari series where he asks a girl he is interested in to a show at kind of the last minute, and she responds that she'd love to, but it would have to be just as friends. It stings a little, but he and his buddies agree that it was a decent and refreshingly honest way for her to respond. I think that is a legit way for you to go here. Respond with something like "Hey, that sounds awesome, but just so everything is clear, we'd just be going as friends - I am already seeing someone. You still up for it? It's OK if not. See you tomorrow!"
posted by Rock Steady at 1:09 PM on December 8, 2015 [30 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 1:09 PM on December 8, 2015 [30 favorites]
Or "Sounds fun! I'd love to hang out. Do you mind if I bring my boyfriend?" in that way you don't have to ask whether or not it's a date, and he doesn't have to confirm one way or the other if it was a date proposal. Everyone saves face.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:10 PM on December 8, 2015
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:10 PM on December 8, 2015
On failure to preview, I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that it's a date, and very cool and mature to clarify before moving forward.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 1:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Unless it explicitly sounds like he's asking you out, but if it's a grey-zone "we should get drinks after work" type of email you should be like "can't tonight, but let's definitely do it another time. We should see if Bob and Frank and Lisa and Other Coworkers We Think Are Cool also want to come!" That should send pretty clear NOPE SORRY BUD NOT A DATE signals.
posted by windbox at 1:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by windbox at 1:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Try saying something like, whoa totally! I'd love to go to the show but the timing sucks because I've got something planned with my boyfriend tomorrow. :-( But keep me in mind next time, because that would be tons of fun!
posted by janey47 at 1:12 PM on December 8, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 1:12 PM on December 8, 2015 [23 favorites]
Do not invite the boyfriend along. Please. I think Rock Steady's approach is very good.
posted by Dolley at 1:12 PM on December 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 1:12 PM on December 8, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yup. Eliminate ambiguity at the outset.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:13 PM on December 8, 2015
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:13 PM on December 8, 2015
Best answer: Everyone saves face.
How does everyone save face? The nice co-worker is stuck in a three-way date with the OP and her boyfriend. Clearly or at least presumably he wanted to be with her alone.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:13 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
How does everyone save face? The nice co-worker is stuck in a three-way date with the OP and her boyfriend. Clearly or at least presumably he wanted to be with her alone.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:13 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah please don't invite bf. Someone did that to me once with their gf (whom I didn't know about) and of course I had to say "sure why not!" and it was extremely awkward the whole time.
posted by monologish at 1:17 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by monologish at 1:17 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for your quick replies! When it comes to dating advice, Aziz Ansari seems to be very on point right now. You saved me from hours of worry and indecision and now I can actually get back to work.
posted by winterportage at 1:19 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by winterportage at 1:19 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
But it has to be as friends ...
There's no reason to add something like "just as friends"
Right. What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together.
It actually sends the wrong message. "Just as friends" says right off the bat that the asker is not seen as dating material.
But in this case, the only problem is the OP is already dating another guy -- the OP would have accepted under other circumstances -- so "just as friends" is too harsh.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:26 PM on December 8, 2015
There's no reason to add something like "just as friends"
Right. What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together.
It actually sends the wrong message. "Just as friends" says right off the bat that the asker is not seen as dating material.
But in this case, the only problem is the OP is already dating another guy -- the OP would have accepted under other circumstances -- so "just as friends" is too harsh.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:26 PM on December 8, 2015
Best answer: I'd go with Rock Steady/Aziz Ansari's approach ONLY if you are quite sure about preferring your current relationship for the foreseeable future. Because what I am picking up from the way you phrased this post is that you are already somewhat attracted to your co-worker. So I'd actually say thanks but no, you have plans with your boyfriend -- even if you don't.
Also, I'd keep saying no unless/until your current relationship ends, and even then give some thought to the risks of dating someone in the workplace who you do not really know well at all.
The problem with going out for social events with someone to whom you are attracted, even if you've told them you are taken, is that things will develop anyway and it will get messy. Give yourself some space to think this through first.
posted by bearwife at 1:39 PM on December 8, 2015 [18 favorites]
Also, I'd keep saying no unless/until your current relationship ends, and even then give some thought to the risks of dating someone in the workplace who you do not really know well at all.
The problem with going out for social events with someone to whom you are attracted, even if you've told them you are taken, is that things will develop anyway and it will get messy. Give yourself some space to think this through first.
posted by bearwife at 1:39 PM on December 8, 2015 [18 favorites]
What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together.
I get your point, but it has a pretty unambiguous meaning in this context. It's probably not exactly how I'd phrase it in the same situation given my ripe old age, but I don't think it will leave the asker in any doubt. I don't agree that it's harsh, either, but I guess mileage varies on this point. At any rate, her coworker put her in this awkward position and I think she's already done enough emotional labor trying to strike just the right tone; I don't think any more fine-tuning is necessary. OP, I think you did just fine using "just friends."
posted by JenMarie at 1:59 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
I get your point, but it has a pretty unambiguous meaning in this context. It's probably not exactly how I'd phrase it in the same situation given my ripe old age, but I don't think it will leave the asker in any doubt. I don't agree that it's harsh, either, but I guess mileage varies on this point. At any rate, her coworker put her in this awkward position and I think she's already done enough emotional labor trying to strike just the right tone; I don't think any more fine-tuning is necessary. OP, I think you did just fine using "just friends."
posted by JenMarie at 1:59 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's no reason to add something like "just as friends"
Right. What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together.
But like, not everyone who is "just friends" has equal potential to become something other than "just friends" which is the message the asker is trying to send. I think you're okay to either decline without explanation or go with but make it clear that you're in a (potentially exclusive, it seems like from your ambivalence) relationship but still interested in going because you want to see the show/spend time with your coworker.
on the Aziz tip, try not to steal anyones coat and have your (non)date get in a fight with them over it.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 2:18 PM on December 8, 2015
Right. What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together.
But like, not everyone who is "just friends" has equal potential to become something other than "just friends" which is the message the asker is trying to send. I think you're okay to either decline without explanation or go with but make it clear that you're in a (potentially exclusive, it seems like from your ambivalence) relationship but still interested in going because you want to see the show/spend time with your coworker.
on the Aziz tip, try not to steal anyones coat and have your (non)date get in a fight with them over it.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 2:18 PM on December 8, 2015
JimN2TAW: "Right. What does this mean, anyway? Everybody is "just friends" the first time they go out together."
Nonsense. Some people are dating the first time they go out together. But since she does want to be friends with him (it seems), I think it's the cool and froody move to make that explicit. Now, I appreciate bearwife's comment that it might be wise to not be friends with someone you think might be dating material down the line, but given their close professional connection, I'd say it is best to move as quickly as possible to friendship, just to take any office dating shenanigans right off the table. Maybe once you know him better down the road that all changes, but for now, friendship is magic.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:30 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nonsense. Some people are dating the first time they go out together. But since she does want to be friends with him (it seems), I think it's the cool and froody move to make that explicit. Now, I appreciate bearwife's comment that it might be wise to not be friends with someone you think might be dating material down the line, but given their close professional connection, I'd say it is best to move as quickly as possible to friendship, just to take any office dating shenanigans right off the table. Maybe once you know him better down the road that all changes, but for now, friendship is magic.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:30 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Reminder: Folks, this isn't a debate space and there's no need for commenter consensus on wording; OP can consider different suggestions and choose whatever feels comfortable and appropriate for them.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:26 AM on December 9, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 1:26 AM on December 9, 2015
I'd tell him the 100% truth. "I'd love to, but I'm seeing someone right now. If anything changes, you'll be the first to know. Promise."
That's all!!
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:43 AM on December 9, 2015
That's all!!
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:43 AM on December 9, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by matildaben at 12:59 PM on December 8, 2015 [18 favorites]