Reality check on holiday boundaries
December 7, 2015 10:24 PM Subscribe
Need a reality check on setting boundaries around the holidays.
My in-laws have trouble "sharing" us during the holidays. If we make any plans with my family which don't involve them they use emotional blackmail to get us to change plans or to punish (guilt, silent treatment, that sort of thing) us if we don't change them.
It's ruining Christmas for us and we're sick of it. So this year when they threatened consequences if we didn't get my parents to invite them to their house Christmas Eve (for my immediate family celebration), we decided this was a really good place for a boundary. Partner and I felt good about this. For context/score keeping, we spent all of Thanksgiving with them and planned on celebrating on Christmas Day with them.
Problem is that I talked to my parents about it, looking for advice on best preparing ourselves for the consequences. I generally feel like they are wise, kind people whose judgement I trust, but their response was that they would invite them. I asked them not to but they seem to feel strongly that it's wrong to exclude people and it would be better to invite them, and that there will be "other times for boundaries".
I'm frankly completely thrown. This seems like so obviously not a good idea, and we feel undermined by my loving, nurturing parents.
So a reality check, are we being grinchy meanie pants? Or trying to be healthy adults?
My in-laws have trouble "sharing" us during the holidays. If we make any plans with my family which don't involve them they use emotional blackmail to get us to change plans or to punish (guilt, silent treatment, that sort of thing) us if we don't change them.
It's ruining Christmas for us and we're sick of it. So this year when they threatened consequences if we didn't get my parents to invite them to their house Christmas Eve (for my immediate family celebration), we decided this was a really good place for a boundary. Partner and I felt good about this. For context/score keeping, we spent all of Thanksgiving with them and planned on celebrating on Christmas Day with them.
Problem is that I talked to my parents about it, looking for advice on best preparing ourselves for the consequences. I generally feel like they are wise, kind people whose judgement I trust, but their response was that they would invite them. I asked them not to but they seem to feel strongly that it's wrong to exclude people and it would be better to invite them, and that there will be "other times for boundaries".
I'm frankly completely thrown. This seems like so obviously not a good idea, and we feel undermined by my loving, nurturing parents.
So a reality check, are we being grinchy meanie pants? Or trying to be healthy adults?
Best answer: Holiday or not, granting them an extorted invitation is only reinforcing their bad behavior. Your parents are trying to be peacemakers, which is nice, but misguided as it will only make things more difficult for you the next time you attempt to enforce a boundary.
posted by cecic at 10:29 PM on December 7, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by cecic at 10:29 PM on December 7, 2015 [23 favorites]
Best answer: You say "grinchy meanie pants" like that's a bad thing. Fact is, being labeled as such in situations like this is a strong indication that you're acting like healthy adults.
It sounds like your parents could use a role model for healthy boundaries. This sounds like a wonderful year to start your own immediate-family-only tradition, just you two and your kids. You can visit grandparents on other days.
This article might inspire you. This one has concrete tips for making it happen.
Happy healthy-individuated holidays!
posted by wonton endangerment at 10:40 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
It sounds like your parents could use a role model for healthy boundaries. This sounds like a wonderful year to start your own immediate-family-only tradition, just you two and your kids. You can visit grandparents on other days.
This article might inspire you. This one has concrete tips for making it happen.
Happy healthy-individuated holidays!
posted by wonton endangerment at 10:40 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think your parents are right. It's the holidays! They can host whoever they want.
I think St. Alia of the Bunnies is right, too!! I also would be planning a fabulous in-law free Christmas Morning.
After Christmas, I would politely find a way to tell them no to every single guilt trip and blackmail tactic.
"No, thank you." Over. And over. And over. Because I am vindictive this way. Maybe don't be me? But in general - YES - there are other times for boundaries. Like your fabulous champagne Christmas morning at a hotel!!
posted by jbenben at 10:43 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think St. Alia of the Bunnies is right, too!! I also would be planning a fabulous in-law free Christmas Morning.
After Christmas, I would politely find a way to tell them no to every single guilt trip and blackmail tactic.
"No, thank you." Over. And over. And over. Because I am vindictive this way. Maybe don't be me? But in general - YES - there are other times for boundaries. Like your fabulous champagne Christmas morning at a hotel!!
posted by jbenben at 10:43 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Another boundary to set up is for your own parents. They also don't get to dictate what you do and who you invite where. Tell them, "We want a Christmas Eve just with you guys and will have Christmas with In-Laws the next day if they choose to participate. This is our choice."
They are allowed to invite in-laws, but you're also allowed to not join if they undermine your decision making.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:45 PM on December 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
They are allowed to invite in-laws, but you're also allowed to not join if they undermine your decision making.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:45 PM on December 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
Another boundary to set up is for your own parents. They also don't get to dictate what you do and who you invite where. Tell them, "We want a Christmas Eve just with you guys and will have Christmas with In-Laws the next day if they choose to participate. This is our choice."
According to its own internal logic, this makes no sense. You are going to your parents' house, right? It's their house. It is not your choice who they invite to their home. They can invite whoever they would like to invite.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:06 AM on December 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
According to its own internal logic, this makes no sense. You are going to your parents' house, right? It's their house. It is not your choice who they invite to their home. They can invite whoever they would like to invite.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:06 AM on December 8, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yeah, I feel like this happens in many life settings -- when you bring in nice people new to a situation, they have a fresh reservoir of niceness and aren't ready to immediately set a boundary. That's true unless they are a certain sort of person, the kind who recognizes the value of boundaries and who sees their main role being to back you up. In this case, your parents' primary role is as a host, not as a supporter-of-you-guys, so I think it's at least justifiable that they say "let's just invite them."
It's also totally understandable that you're sick of your in-laws' intrusion. For next year, you could either host (inviting one set of parents over at a time) or really emphasize to your parents your desire for alone time with them and hope they get on board with that as the plan.
posted by salvia at 12:46 AM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's also totally understandable that you're sick of your in-laws' intrusion. For next year, you could either host (inviting one set of parents over at a time) or really emphasize to your parents your desire for alone time with them and hope they get on board with that as the plan.
posted by salvia at 12:46 AM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Another vote here for your own immediate-family-only holidays: and by 'immediate family' I mean just you, your partner, and your own kids if any.
There is no universal rule that you must always, from now to forever, pack up and spend the night with EITHER set of parents. Stay home, stop by their houses for an hour or two if they're close, then go home.....and if it takes a year or two of private you'n'partner holidays somewhere they don't know about, so be it.
posted by easily confused at 3:31 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
There is no universal rule that you must always, from now to forever, pack up and spend the night with EITHER set of parents. Stay home, stop by their houses for an hour or two if they're close, then go home.....and if it takes a year or two of private you'n'partner holidays somewhere they don't know about, so be it.
posted by easily confused at 3:31 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Problem is that I talked to my parents about it, looking for advice on best preparing ourselves for the consequences.
How to prepare: In this sort of situation, consequences typically require buy-in from the recipient. If you and your spouse are on the same page about your in-laws, and it sounds like you are, you can opt out of that. The odds are good that a decisive move on your part will cause an even bigger flare-up. But if you stick with it, your in-laws will either grow up (great) or dig in (oh well, too bad for them). I don't think that's meanie-pants.
Whether they liked it or not, your parents were given a role in this particular drama -- I'm guessing that was the place from which their decision was made. I'd consider finding advice elsewhere if this happens again, because inadvertently putting them into this mess is a kind of well-meant and totally unintentional meanie-pants.
posted by gnomeloaf at 4:32 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
How to prepare: In this sort of situation, consequences typically require buy-in from the recipient. If you and your spouse are on the same page about your in-laws, and it sounds like you are, you can opt out of that. The odds are good that a decisive move on your part will cause an even bigger flare-up. But if you stick with it, your in-laws will either grow up (great) or dig in (oh well, too bad for them). I don't think that's meanie-pants.
Whether they liked it or not, your parents were given a role in this particular drama -- I'm guessing that was the place from which their decision was made. I'd consider finding advice elsewhere if this happens again, because inadvertently putting them into this mess is a kind of well-meant and totally unintentional meanie-pants.
posted by gnomeloaf at 4:32 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your parents were put in a bad situation here. They were told that people wanted to come to their party, for reasons they probably understand (wanting more time with their kids). They may have felt that denying them that was mean, and THEY, not you, were the ones doing it.
It's your job to set boundaries with the in-laws. You could tell them you'd like to see them only on Eve or Day, so if they opt to go to your parents' gathering then you won't see them on Day. I know you weren't intending to rope your parents into the drama, but that's what you effectively did.
posted by metasarah at 5:11 AM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's your job to set boundaries with the in-laws. You could tell them you'd like to see them only on Eve or Day, so if they opt to go to your parents' gathering then you won't see them on Day. I know you weren't intending to rope your parents into the drama, but that's what you effectively did.
posted by metasarah at 5:11 AM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
Nthing that now you have a free Christmas morning. Your parents are going to do whatever they are going to do, and you can't change that. You can change your own behavior, though. Plan a fancy breakfast at home for just you and your spouse (and kids if you have them) or maybe meet up with some friends.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:13 AM on December 8, 2015
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:13 AM on December 8, 2015
Best answer: So this year when they threatened consequences if we didn't get my parents to invite them to their house Christmas Eve
I mean, like what?? You're adults. They can't send you to your room anymore.
If their "consequence" is ignoring you for awhile, by golly that sounds pretty OK for you.
Are there financial entanglements?
Emotional blackmail only works if you keep buying in. They will be sooo sad and alone on Xmas Eve? Sounds like a good time to volunteer, or start new traditions, or make a scrapbook of your nice Thanksgiving. They're going to give you the silent treatment for a month because you missed one-of-three "holiday days"? OK, see you when you're done being pissy! Stop chasing their approval.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:39 AM on December 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
I mean, like what?? You're adults. They can't send you to your room anymore.
If their "consequence" is ignoring you for awhile, by golly that sounds pretty OK for you.
Are there financial entanglements?
Emotional blackmail only works if you keep buying in. They will be sooo sad and alone on Xmas Eve? Sounds like a good time to volunteer, or start new traditions, or make a scrapbook of your nice Thanksgiving. They're going to give you the silent treatment for a month because you missed one-of-three "holiday days"? OK, see you when you're done being pissy! Stop chasing their approval.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:39 AM on December 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
So you went to your parents asking how best to deal with the terrible fallout of your parents not inviting the in-laws? If I were your parents I would have considered that to be a demand to invite the in-laws. By putting your parents in between you and the in-laws, you've put your parents in a really uncomfortable position, and further insisting that you control who is invited to their house is not super respectful either. Your parents are right that there are other times for boundaries--those times are when the limit being set is only on your own behavior and not on the people around you.
Next time invite who you want to your house.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:48 AM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Next time invite who you want to your house.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:48 AM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, I shouldn't have said anything that's clearly my "bad". But I did so as a hurt child turning to my mother for advice and support. I was very explicit that I was not looking for them to fix this or get in the middle. Clearly in hindsight this was a mistake and I wish I had not done it.
I also did not "insist I control" who they invite to their house. I asked them not to change their/our Christmas plans bc my in-laws are threatening us. If they had actually wanted to invite them then that would be different. But they most explicitly didn't. Last Christmas my mothers one regret was that they were overly accommodating to all the other in-laws and so did not get to celebrate with their kids. This Christmas Eve celebration was planned well in advance specifically to let us do that. If I had had any idea that they would capitulate to these threats I would not have told them. Hindsight. It's great.
posted by The Shoodoonoof at 7:00 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also did not "insist I control" who they invite to their house. I asked them not to change their/our Christmas plans bc my in-laws are threatening us. If they had actually wanted to invite them then that would be different. But they most explicitly didn't. Last Christmas my mothers one regret was that they were overly accommodating to all the other in-laws and so did not get to celebrate with their kids. This Christmas Eve celebration was planned well in advance specifically to let us do that. If I had had any idea that they would capitulate to these threats I would not have told them. Hindsight. It's great.
posted by The Shoodoonoof at 7:00 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If the invitation has not been made, I'd go back to your mother and tell her what you said here about wanting time with just your family and that you have already made time to spend with his. Tell her that you want to set a boundary with the inlaws and to not invite them. Tell her that you, as a couple, are ready to deal with the consequences, whatever they end up being. Hopefully that will be enough.
Of course, if you inlaws have already been invited, sadly there isn't a polite way to un-invite them.
posted by GilvearSt at 7:13 AM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Of course, if you inlaws have already been invited, sadly there isn't a polite way to un-invite them.
posted by GilvearSt at 7:13 AM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: In my opinion, when people act like young children (emotional manipulation, tantrums, silent treatment), they are inviting you to treat them that way. They are being pissy? Time-out for them. "We are spending Christmas Eve with Shoodoonoof's parents. We will spend x time with you. If you continue to threaten us, then we will not be able to see you for [a week/month/whatever time feels right to you]." Say it firmly and kindly, and then follow through on what you've said. Another good line is "That won't work for us," with no further explanation--a further explanation gives them a hook to argue with you.
If your parents have extended the invitation already, well, it's probably too late this time, but you'll know how to proceed in the future.
What they are asking for is unreasonable. You are definitely in the right here. Keep setting those boundaries, and eventually they will either treat you with respect or they will not treat with you. Sounds like a win to me!
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 2:23 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
If your parents have extended the invitation already, well, it's probably too late this time, but you'll know how to proceed in the future.
What they are asking for is unreasonable. You are definitely in the right here. Keep setting those boundaries, and eventually they will either treat you with respect or they will not treat with you. Sounds like a win to me!
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 2:23 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
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If it were me, I would be planning my newly freed up Christmas morning.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:27 PM on December 7, 2015 [12 favorites]