Recovering Addict + Potential Parenthood Impact
December 5, 2015 10:07 PM Subscribe
So, my partner and I are at the stage of our relationship where we are discussing having children. I want to know about the impact of having a parent who is in recovery throughout your childhood.
I have been sober for 2.5 years. I work a good program, and I am very committed to recovery - while I know that even people who have 20+ years can slip, I'm in a good space currently. We're not talking about having kids tomorrow, but likely within the next 5 years. While finding articles about going into recovery as a parent/how active addiction affects kids is easy, I'm having trouble finding information about outcomes for children of addicts who are sober throughout their childhood. Both anecdotes and research would be appreciated.
I have been sober for 2.5 years. I work a good program, and I am very committed to recovery - while I know that even people who have 20+ years can slip, I'm in a good space currently. We're not talking about having kids tomorrow, but likely within the next 5 years. While finding articles about going into recovery as a parent/how active addiction affects kids is easy, I'm having trouble finding information about outcomes for children of addicts who are sober throughout their childhood. Both anecdotes and research would be appreciated.
From an anonymous commenter:posted by taz at 10:46 PM on December 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
My mom started drinking while we 4 kids were in grade school, bottomed out fairly quickly, and has been sober for over 40 yrs. 3 out of 4 turned out good and I'm not too bad,
But DO NOT let your kids only hang with just kids of other addicts, a few kids reinforcing each other's acting out can reach truly stupid levels of crazy!!
posted by ridgerunner at 11:00 PM on December 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
But DO NOT let your kids only hang with just kids of other addicts, a few kids reinforcing each other's acting out can reach truly stupid levels of crazy!!
posted by ridgerunner at 11:00 PM on December 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
A relative got sober before he had children, and then terrified his growing children with the idea that alcohol was poison, one sip and you're gone, yadda yadda, but he still served it to his guests at parties. This hypocrisy encouraged his children to find out about alcohol behind his back earlier than they should have and inserted a general mistrust in his pronouncements about other things. So there's that anecdote.
posted by Thella at 11:07 PM on December 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Thella at 11:07 PM on December 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Just for clarification: my partner is a normal social drinker - he's supportive of my recovery, and I'm comfortable with him.
posted by socktothepuppet at 11:25 PM on December 5, 2015
posted by socktothepuppet at 11:25 PM on December 5, 2015
When I was 9, my mom married a guy who on paper didn't look to good: newly sober (again), worked a series of short term sales jobs, had problematic relationships with his 3 adult sons, etc. It turned out that after many, many, many previous attempts at sobriety, this time was going to stick. He was a great (step)father to me and my brother and legally adopted us when I was 12. He became a certified addictions counselor, eventually starting his own practice and inspiring my mom to get her masters and become a therapist as well. He was as good of a father as I could ever imagine and I was his favorite (don't tell my brothers). He died when I was 27. I'm 46 now and am still sad that I only had my dad around for 18 years. I would have liked many more years.
The program was ever present in our lives. Case in point: His best friend (who was also his Anglican priest) started dad's eulogy with the line "My name is ___ and I'm an alcoholic" There was a thunderous response of "Hi ___!" Best. funeral. ever.
He obviously got sober when he was ready and then worked hard to turn his life around, including being very active in the program.
That being said, my older brothers had a very different relationship with him. Dad left their mother (and them) when they were very young. They reconnected with him as teenagers and young adults, but he was in the ugly end stages of his drinking. I'm not sure you can ever fully repair that amount of damage to a child/parent relationship.
One brother and one nephew have been to treatment. Another brother probably should go to treatment. I don't think that's a coincidence.
Dad struggled with depression his entire life. He had 1 or 2 bad dry drunk periods and although he never actually slipped, he returned to inpatient treatment once to get a "tune-up."
His alcoholism was definitely part of our lives, good and bad. But, so was his depression, his humor, his love of Christmas and everything other aspect of his being. It was just one part of him.
So, what's my take on it? Having kids is hard. Everyone needs some sort of support network: family, friends, etc. I think working a good program puts you ahead of the game. You already have a key part of your support network.
As mentioned above, consider how you want to talk to your kids about drugs/alcohol/addiction in a healthy way, especially given that they may be predisposed to have their own addiction issues.
Best of luck. The fact that you are asking this is a good indicator that you will be a great parent.
posted by jenquat at 11:59 PM on December 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
The program was ever present in our lives. Case in point: His best friend (who was also his Anglican priest) started dad's eulogy with the line "My name is ___ and I'm an alcoholic" There was a thunderous response of "Hi ___!" Best. funeral. ever.
He obviously got sober when he was ready and then worked hard to turn his life around, including being very active in the program.
That being said, my older brothers had a very different relationship with him. Dad left their mother (and them) when they were very young. They reconnected with him as teenagers and young adults, but he was in the ugly end stages of his drinking. I'm not sure you can ever fully repair that amount of damage to a child/parent relationship.
One brother and one nephew have been to treatment. Another brother probably should go to treatment. I don't think that's a coincidence.
Dad struggled with depression his entire life. He had 1 or 2 bad dry drunk periods and although he never actually slipped, he returned to inpatient treatment once to get a "tune-up."
His alcoholism was definitely part of our lives, good and bad. But, so was his depression, his humor, his love of Christmas and everything other aspect of his being. It was just one part of him.
So, what's my take on it? Having kids is hard. Everyone needs some sort of support network: family, friends, etc. I think working a good program puts you ahead of the game. You already have a key part of your support network.
As mentioned above, consider how you want to talk to your kids about drugs/alcohol/addiction in a healthy way, especially given that they may be predisposed to have their own addiction issues.
Best of luck. The fact that you are asking this is a good indicator that you will be a great parent.
posted by jenquat at 11:59 PM on December 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
The kids of recovering addicts I've known have struggled with parents who regarded their substance(s) of choice as inherently bad and them (the kids) as addicts by birth, as well as with feeling somewhat alienated by the parent's concentration on the program -- which can operate a lot like a parent's religious practice, with the exception that the kids can't participate or feel they are inheriting a noble spiritual tradition. Basically, people who decided to make addiction, and the program, a family matter, and not their private problem / solution.
posted by MattD at 6:52 AM on December 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MattD at 6:52 AM on December 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh yeah, you're going to be great. WAY better, imho, than my experience of having two parents BEGIN recovery when I was a teenager. Everything since they got sober has been so much better-- I WISH they'd been in recovery my whole childhood!
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 9:17 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 9:17 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
One brother and his wife were both in AA since before they were married and have been sober all the way, raising a now 25 year old who is no worse off than any other 25 year old.
She always knew about AA, but I do think they weren't good at teaching her how to deal responsibly with alcohol since it was all or nothing for the two of them, and she had a bit of a rough time with drinking in college and until just recently... Of course there is a strong family gene to fight with but she is ok now.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:46 AM on December 6, 2015
She always knew about AA, but I do think they weren't good at teaching her how to deal responsibly with alcohol since it was all or nothing for the two of them, and she had a bit of a rough time with drinking in college and until just recently... Of course there is a strong family gene to fight with but she is ok now.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:46 AM on December 6, 2015
I have a good friend whose mother left her alcoholic father when said friend was an infant. He got his shit together, went to AA, etc, and then they got back together when my friend was in elementary school. By all accounts he was a great father after that. As an adult, she really appreciates that he is such a thoughtful and reflective person, which she attributes to all those years in AA (he still goes), and they have a great relationship. Just one data point, but indication that recovering addicts can be great parents, even if they only go into recovery AFTER they become parents.
posted by lunasol at 11:53 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 11:53 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a 4 month old, I'm not an addict but I am already falling on some bad stress coping behaviors like getting snappy, bottling things up, ruminating etc. Behaviors I know better than to do, after many years and mediation sessions spent diffusing them.
It sounds like you'll be great, just have a game plan and support system for when the infant comes, especially if you're the breast-having baby-gestating part of the pair. It is so physically and mentally taxing, your solidity may be tested. Good luck!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:34 PM on December 6, 2015
It sounds like you'll be great, just have a game plan and support system for when the infant comes, especially if you're the breast-having baby-gestating part of the pair. It is so physically and mentally taxing, your solidity may be tested. Good luck!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:34 PM on December 6, 2015
My dad drank very heavily when he was in the army. The word "alcoholic" was never used, but I have heard The Stories -- him hitting 37 bars on nickel night, him accusing my non drinking mother of drinking his beer because he could not believe he drank that much, that quickly -- and then he left the army when I was 3. I remember him having a beer with dinner, but I never witnessed the kind of consumption he was legendary for.
When I was 7, they diagnosed him with a heart condition. He blamed the alcohol and swore off it. I think he had probably been drinking to shut down the nightmares while in the military. He fought in the front lines of two wars. After leaving the military, they could no longer send him back to Vietnam. In fact, he quit -- dropped his retirement papers -- to avoid a second tour that they had promised him would never happen. I think he tapered off without trying once he felt safe and out of harm's way. Officially swearing off was pretty anticlimatic. I don't recall him going through withdrawal.
I am a fan of the book "The truth about addiction and recovery." I don't think it helps to vilify alcohol or claim it has all kinds of power over you. I physically do not tolerate alcohol well, but I am not judgey about it either nor afraid of it. It was never demonized in my home.
There were other issues I grew up with. My father was suffering PTSD and my mother grew up in a war zone. So it wasn't all peachy keen. But I think I have very healthy attitudes about alcohol. I mostly do not drink because I physically don't tolerate it well (neither does my mother -- this is clearly inherited) but I have been known to have the occasional drink and it isn't some Big Decision or whatever.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:43 PM on December 6, 2015
When I was 7, they diagnosed him with a heart condition. He blamed the alcohol and swore off it. I think he had probably been drinking to shut down the nightmares while in the military. He fought in the front lines of two wars. After leaving the military, they could no longer send him back to Vietnam. In fact, he quit -- dropped his retirement papers -- to avoid a second tour that they had promised him would never happen. I think he tapered off without trying once he felt safe and out of harm's way. Officially swearing off was pretty anticlimatic. I don't recall him going through withdrawal.
I am a fan of the book "The truth about addiction and recovery." I don't think it helps to vilify alcohol or claim it has all kinds of power over you. I physically do not tolerate alcohol well, but I am not judgey about it either nor afraid of it. It was never demonized in my home.
There were other issues I grew up with. My father was suffering PTSD and my mother grew up in a war zone. So it wasn't all peachy keen. But I think I have very healthy attitudes about alcohol. I mostly do not drink because I physically don't tolerate it well (neither does my mother -- this is clearly inherited) but I have been known to have the occasional drink and it isn't some Big Decision or whatever.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 1:43 PM on December 6, 2015
I'm in recovery and I'm a third generation AA in my family. Neither of my parents are addicts/alcoholics (my mother is profoundly mentally ill though and that's rough), but my grandparents and several aunts and uncles on that side of the family were all in recovery by the time I was born and ridiculously open about their experiences. They talked about their programs as something they did, like going to the dry cleaners, not like the preachy thing MattD talks about. What I took away from my childhood was that some people can drink and some can't; mentally ill people go to psychiatrists and alcoholics go to AA and both are as normal and logical as someone who needs milk going to the grocery store. When I was finally ready to get sober it was a tremendous relief to not have to worry about what I was going to do to get help.
To be clear, yes, I know AA doesn't work for anyone and I'm not trying to rah-rah go team! for AA, but my point is that there was NO stigma in my family about addiction or recovery, and normalizing it made it seem accessible. The ones in recovery have kids that have turned out great, and at least one of them drinks without incident (so far). Their spouses drink so alcohol and normal drinking are still present in the kids' lives.
This may be an obvious question, but have you asked people at your meetings about their experiences? (When you say you "work a good program" I assume that means you're in AA. ) A guy at one of my meetings has a kid he's pretty sure will get into substances, but he's very honest about his recovery and always has been, but also not preachy. He has sat his son down a few times to explain what could potentially happen to him, the way you would about stranger-danger or sex. He also knows that he ultimately can't stop the kid from getting into a stranger's car, having sex, or drinking. I think that acceptance is key.
posted by good lorneing at 9:18 PM on December 6, 2015
To be clear, yes, I know AA doesn't work for anyone and I'm not trying to rah-rah go team! for AA, but my point is that there was NO stigma in my family about addiction or recovery, and normalizing it made it seem accessible. The ones in recovery have kids that have turned out great, and at least one of them drinks without incident (so far). Their spouses drink so alcohol and normal drinking are still present in the kids' lives.
This may be an obvious question, but have you asked people at your meetings about their experiences? (When you say you "work a good program" I assume that means you're in AA. ) A guy at one of my meetings has a kid he's pretty sure will get into substances, but he's very honest about his recovery and always has been, but also not preachy. He has sat his son down a few times to explain what could potentially happen to him, the way you would about stranger-danger or sex. He also knows that he ultimately can't stop the kid from getting into a stranger's car, having sex, or drinking. I think that acceptance is key.
posted by good lorneing at 9:18 PM on December 6, 2015
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