The Pinterest of S&M?
December 4, 2015 7:19 AM   Subscribe

As a mostly service top, I'm good to go with technical aspects of bondage, but have trouble planning the "plotline" or trajectory of any given session with my masochist partner. Are there websites/ books/ blogs that have sizeable compendia of ideas for bondage scenarios (games, roleplays, scripts, etc.)?

My own personal tastes are very vanilla, so I don't have great intuition where the sexual experience of pain is concerned-- I'm fine with the mechanics of apparatus and techniques, but struggle in the moment with things like tempo, escalation, framing, etc. (and have limited feedback from my partner because of the nature of the play). Structured encounters like games and challenges seem to work best (partner is not a big fan of the infantilizing or extreme-humiliation kinds of roleplays), but rather than falling back on my own very limited creative powers for planning that sort of thing, I'd love to be able to crib ideas from some wider expert or communal knowledge-base. Is there such a resource out there? I thought Fetlife would be it, but the parts I've explored have been super heavy on the boasting and fap-material, pretty light on helpful practical tips. Kinky folks of Metafilter, where do you get your ideas?

(P.S. In case it comes up: yes, Partner and I do have collaborative conversations where they make broad suggestions for activities, but I still find I need help with structuring moment-to-moment decisionmaking in the encounter; and outside of this, the rest of our sex life is just fine and mutually satisfying).
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

Read BDSM erotica! Theres a lot of it online: cliterati, literotica, and frankly a lot of fanfic have free kinky erotica online. I'm also a fan of Sinclair Sexsmith's collections and Xan West's recent book. There's also plenty of writing and ideas on Fetlife but frankly you'll have to dig through a lot of garbage to find it.

I also strongly recommend talking to people you trust in the scene about this. Kinky people LOVE tossing around ideas for this kind of stuff. Hell, if you want to pm me I'll throw some ideas at you, too.
posted by a hat out of hell at 9:14 AM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I get my ideas from my partner during the session, yes I know that sounds very unhelpful and I'm sorry about that. Some things that worked for us during the early days (& still do).

It is OK to ask for feedback during a session, you can make it part of the session, you don't have to break headspace. Make them tell you what you want them to do, them make them beg for it. Do you like that? How about if I do this? I'm going to do x would you like that, if you're good I"ll do y too would you like that? You don't need to have limited feedback during a session is what I am saying, even if say gags or breath control is part of it, there are ways to work it in.

Make them do the research. Find a to find a story/video/Tumblr gifs/whatever online that you really like every day for a week, then on Saturday night, if you're good, we might just reinact one of them sort of thing. You can make this a punishment or a reward, & is a fun build up during the week and on the plus side you get a lot more ideas of the sort of thing your partner is after & ways to present it. I know it's not your thing, but watching/reading it together can be fun too. It's fine to steal from other sources, you don't have to come up with original ideas. Ask them what specifically they like about what they sent you. Or have your partner write some scenarios, they will give you a good idea on just what sort of pacing they like.

Just because you're the top, that doesn't mean you have to do all the work, especially as this is not your particular kink let your partner do some of the heavy lifting & research as it's what they like they will probably already have a lot of this info so make that part of the fun & games in the lead up to the session.

Check out Tumblr. There are some amazing Tumblrs out there for pretty much any and all kink interests. A nice sexy image can you give you a heap of good ideas.

Remember if your partner is expecting to just lay back & have you do all the work, they aren't subby or masochistic they are just lazy. :-) The punishment for being lazy is up to you.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on December 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

I may post more when I'm not on my phone, but one of the biggest lightbulb moments for me as a top was realizing that plot lines are reusable. This isn't a TV show where every episode needs a novel twist. It's a collection of favorite bedtime stories that can be retold with small variations for a long time. Unless your partner is specifically asking for more variety, you may be putting more creative pressure on yourself than you need to.

In a similar vein, one of my best sources of scene ideas is lucky accidents from previous scenes: I did it without thinking, he said he liked it when we were chatting afterward, so next time I did it on purpose. That requires a bit of willingness to kind of flail around and try shit and sometimes strike out, but as long as your flailing is "this is safe and within negotiated boundaries and who knows if it'll be fun?" rather than "who knows if it'll be safe?" this is an okay thing to do. Like, not every scene needs to be a blockbuster. Some can be little exploration sessions where you bat around some ideas and see if any get a thumbs-up.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:15 PM on December 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

As far as "Pinterest of S&M": people do use S&M for this purpose, though the ones I know tend to make it private due to content. But there's no reason you couldn't skulk through Pinterest per se and get some inspiration. This search is mostly bringing up D/s related quotes, which could be helpful, and if you follow individual boards from there you may be able to find something.
posted by divabat at 4:15 AM on December 5, 2015

GAH! Belated typo. "People do use PINTEREST for this purpose" (though it probably factors into some sub assignments...)
posted by divabat at 5:18 AM on December 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

The place to start is your partner. Your partner's mind is likely a treasure trove of fantasy ideas that s/he wants you to try. The reason for this is that there's probably some aspect that your partner likes more than others. I'm submissive and masochistic. However, there are definitely some scenes that do it for me in particular, and some that are a snoozefest. For instance, flogging with sex at the end, great. Pain alone with no sex, usually more boring. Verbal statements of control, good. Verbal humiliation, usually not good. Spanking/cane/etc on butt, good. Pain/weights on nipples, never. Etc. I could make a long, long list. Ask your partner what is good and what is boring, outside of scene. Be as detailed and specific as I was in these examples, if not more so.

Second, why avoid the fap material? To understand pacing and scene setup, you can start by going to and looking up a bunch of scenes on your partner's favorite topic area (e.g. "flogging"). Then sort by rating and see which scenes get 100% rating to see what tends to appeal. Also you might want to filter for the longer scenes (>10 minutes) to see actual long amateur scenes (meaning you can replicate them at home) and not short clips meant to advertise porn sites.

Then I'd recommend spending $ on some actual bdsm porn site subscriptions and watch the full length videos. I am not an expert because I like free porn just fine, and would recommend using your googlefu, but some I can think of are (the obvious), smaller sites like, kinkygate... is a sweet bdsm site I came across, and maybe sites that appeal to your partner's preferences, for instance if s/he is into, um, device bondage. If fetlife isn't your favorite, maybe there is a forum there somewhere, where you can get advice on the best porn sites for your partner's favorite specific topics. Full length scenes are useful because you can get the narrative structure and pacing.

What can help the most is if your partner is willing to show you which videos s/he likes. Or stories if s/he likes written stories. (I had a lovely lovely partner who was into written porn with a particular fetish and I read every damn story on that site... love that partner so much. But I digress.) has a lot of variety. I don't love it sex-wise, kind of boring/contrived and I prefer amateur stuff. But, watching the videos can definitely teach you some pacing and scene ideas.

I can't emphasize enough, though, that it's really a matter of getting into your partner's mind and getting appropriate direction and feedback.

Lastly, oh man you're a trooper to do this without any actual kinky interests. As a kinky person, I can tell (sometimes across a room!) if someone really genuinely enjoys the complement of my fetishes, or not. I wonder if you could get a better understanding of what the mental turn on is for your partner, so you could better tap into some intuition around enjoying that from the complementary perspective of a sadist. Like "method acting" for actors. E.g. Some of the best scenes are very simple with some escalation or repetition that gets to the core of what the person enjoys mentally.
posted by omg_parrots at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2015

One more thing. Your title says "S&M" and you call yourself a service top. But, the tags you've put in the sidebar say D-s, dom, sub. SM is a completely different experience from DS. Some people like to be bottoms, some people like to be subs, some people like a combination, but it's not the same thing whatsoever. Step 1, which is like bdsm 101, might be to understand the difference and know which your partner likes. If your partner is mostly masochistic, find out the exact types of pain (types? stingy thuddy etc... locations on the body? instruments?). If s/he is mostly submissive, find out the exact types of fantasies (where? what phrases to hear? what happens in the fantasies? what roles does s/he have?) and what exactly s/he gets out of submitting (likes to be controlled? likes a "daddy" figure? likes to be protected? likes to not have to think? likes to serve? likes to obey? likes to be around power? likes to be forced? likes to relax into trust?.. and many more).

Then for escalation and pacing, once you know what s/he likes best, you can start with a little bit or a mild version of that, and build up to more, interspersed with things the person likes a bit less, or creative things you want to experiment with, or even interspersed with gentle affection. Once you watch videos, you'll get more of a sense of building up, sometimes to multiple different peaks, and interspersing. It's like planning a yoga class, really. Someone who is naturally dominant or sadistic might be able to do this on the fly with creative intuition, but it couldn't hurt you to do some advance planning.

Lastly, technical mastery is nice so it's good that you're good at that. If your partner is into objectification as a mental touchstone for what is enjoyable, then technical mastery can be a good substitute for a natural dominant or masochistic preference. The key is that if you're working on tying a person up perfectly and hit them perfectly, in that moment they're somewhat of an object to you... so IF the person likes objectification, technical mastery can be nice to have. Same with if the person likes authority or power. If you're good at something, it helps evoke those feelings.
posted by omg_parrots at 2:41 AM on December 8, 2015

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