Girlfriend's mom says we have to share separate beds. Opinions?
December 3, 2015 10:48 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend is twenty five and her mother is telling her to sleep in a separate bed from me.
She is fairly introverted and sheltered ( I am too to a degree) and her family is pretty religious. I am feeling uncomfortable that my girlfriend's mother is making these decisions for her, and I am unsure how to proceed or how to feel about this relationship. Any and all opinions are welcome.
I have been going out with a girl whom I really like for around two months now. I am thirty-two and she is twenty five. I get this feeling that her family is pretty religious. I asked my girlfriend recently if she would like to stay the night at my house. Well, she told her mother and my girlfriend sent me a text that made me feel uncomfortable. "My mother says we have to share separate beds." Now, it's not the concept of sharing two beds that gets me. It's the fact that my girlfriend's mother is telling her this is how things are going to happen. My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this.
My girlfriend tells me her parents love me and when I go over their house, it seems like that's so. I did not have any intention to have sex with her when I asked if she could spend the night. I mean, I guess it's going to happen eventually, but it just feels weird that her mother is telling her that it's not going to happen. I would much rather this be the decision of my girlfriend. How should I proceed with this?
Thanks!
I have been going out with a girl whom I really like for around two months now. I am thirty-two and she is twenty five. I get this feeling that her family is pretty religious. I asked my girlfriend recently if she would like to stay the night at my house. Well, she told her mother and my girlfriend sent me a text that made me feel uncomfortable. "My mother says we have to share separate beds." Now, it's not the concept of sharing two beds that gets me. It's the fact that my girlfriend's mother is telling her this is how things are going to happen. My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this.
My girlfriend tells me her parents love me and when I go over their house, it seems like that's so. I did not have any intention to have sex with her when I asked if she could spend the night. I mean, I guess it's going to happen eventually, but it just feels weird that her mother is telling her that it's not going to happen. I would much rather this be the decision of my girlfriend. How should I proceed with this?
Thanks!
Talk to her about it. Show her this question if you have to in order to start the conversation. This doesn't have to be a DTMFA moment, but it will serve as an illumination of what's to come.
posted by Etrigan at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
You say to your girlfriend: "that's ok if that's what you want, but it needs to be your decision."
Likewise, it's up to you to decide for yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who 1) shares this kind of stuff with their parents, 2) lets their parents guide their actions even into adulthood, and/or 3) is set on sleeping in separate beds indefinitely.
Personally I would not be ok with this, but I place an extremely high value on independence. You have to make your own decision here. Encourage your girlfriend to do the same.
posted by phunniemee at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [60 favorites]
Likewise, it's up to you to decide for yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone who 1) shares this kind of stuff with their parents, 2) lets their parents guide their actions even into adulthood, and/or 3) is set on sleeping in separate beds indefinitely.
Personally I would not be ok with this, but I place an extremely high value on independence. You have to make your own decision here. Encourage your girlfriend to do the same.
posted by phunniemee at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [60 favorites]
Her house, her rules. Your house, your rules.
posted by Slinga at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Slinga at 10:54 AM on December 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think we need more context here. Like, is your girlfriend telling you this because she thinks it's a funny quirk of her weird mom trying to be controlling, or is she telling you this because she's going to do what her mom says?
It's okay to date someone with religious parents who don't believe in sex before marriage. It's pretty bizarre, however, to date a 25 year old woman who does whatever her parents tell her to even when they aren't around.
posted by something something at 10:55 AM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
It's okay to date someone with religious parents who don't believe in sex before marriage. It's pretty bizarre, however, to date a 25 year old woman who does whatever her parents tell her to even when they aren't around.
posted by something something at 10:55 AM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm not entirely sure what "share separate beds" means. The point of separate beds is that you aren't sharing a bed -- do you mean pushing two beds close together but sleeping with separate bedclothes?
In any case.
This is really early in a relationship, so now is a perfect time to figure out whether or not you're compatible with your new girlfriend! She's just given you a great piece of information: she tells her mother about her romantic life, and values her mother's opinions.
It sounds like you're not comfortable with that, which probably means you shouldn't be dating this particular woman. She may eventually decide to change the nature of her relationship with her parents, but that would be for her own reasons, may never happen at all, and is entirely outside your control either way.
Sorry! I've been there. It sucks but at least you know now, and not a year from now.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:56 AM on December 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
In any case.
This is really early in a relationship, so now is a perfect time to figure out whether or not you're compatible with your new girlfriend! She's just given you a great piece of information: she tells her mother about her romantic life, and values her mother's opinions.
It sounds like you're not comfortable with that, which probably means you shouldn't be dating this particular woman. She may eventually decide to change the nature of her relationship with her parents, but that would be for her own reasons, may never happen at all, and is entirely outside your control either way.
Sorry! I've been there. It sucks but at least you know now, and not a year from now.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:56 AM on December 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
You're basing this on a single text? Talk to her.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:57 AM on December 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 10:57 AM on December 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
Also: yeah, if this is all based on a single text from your girlfriend, you may be massively overreacting and should probably talk to her about it.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:59 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:59 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
They are entitled to make whatever rules they want in their home, and you are entitled to decline to stay there. Get a hotel.
OP isn't talking about their home. He's talking about his.
OP, if this is what your girlfriend wants, that's one thing. You have to decide if you're ok with her request. But if she only wants this because her mom thinks it's right, that's another story and not something I would tolerate in a relationship, personally.
It's kind of a silly request either way. You can still have sex even if you sleep in separate beds, so I'm not sure what her mom thinks it would accomplish.
posted by amro at 11:00 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
OP isn't talking about their home. He's talking about his.
OP, if this is what your girlfriend wants, that's one thing. You have to decide if you're ok with her request. But if she only wants this because her mom thinks it's right, that's another story and not something I would tolerate in a relationship, personally.
It's kind of a silly request either way. You can still have sex even if you sleep in separate beds, so I'm not sure what her mom thinks it would accomplish.
posted by amro at 11:00 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I did not have any intention to have sex with her when I asked if she could spend the night.
I would feel more comfortable about your concerns for your girlfriend if this didn't sound like you're determining what your girlfriend's sexual activity will be, and when.
Where a 25-year-old woman sleeps, and what she does in bed, is up to neither you nor her mother. However, if she is choosing to hand over her decisions about her own body to her mother, then you get to decide whether that works for you.
posted by headnsouth at 11:01 AM on December 3, 2015 [21 favorites]
I would feel more comfortable about your concerns for your girlfriend if this didn't sound like you're determining what your girlfriend's sexual activity will be, and when.
Where a 25-year-old woman sleeps, and what she does in bed, is up to neither you nor her mother. However, if she is choosing to hand over her decisions about her own body to her mother, then you get to decide whether that works for you.
posted by headnsouth at 11:01 AM on December 3, 2015 [21 favorites]
When you say "My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this," it sounds like you are really interested in helping her make decisions in your favor, that are really your decisions. A romantic relationship is NOT the context to help a person learn to make his or her own decisions, and it comes across as gross to be involved in that way. She's a woman, not a project.
posted by juniperesque at 11:04 AM on December 3, 2015 [64 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 11:04 AM on December 3, 2015 [64 favorites]
Her body, her rules, more like. She sleeps where she feels comfortable sleeping, and she can have whatever relationship with her mother she wants to have. You, of course, are free and able to make your own decisions about whether or not you want to date someone like that, but that's the extent of your influence here.
posted by incessant at 11:05 AM on December 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by incessant at 11:05 AM on December 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
She sounds immature for her age, and with the decent age gap, I'd be concerned about a power imbalance. Talk to her, but breaking things off might be an ethical choice of you see a pattern of this.
posted by easter queen at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by easter queen at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Ditto juniperesque and headnsouth that you're coming off as fairly controlling yourself, with all the talk of "working with" your girlfriend to fix her obvious personal failings. Given that, I wonder whether GF might not be citing her mom's authority to back up her own wishes in this case, since (a) you proposed the sleepover in the first place, and (b) it's not clear she'd be able to stand up for herself with you.
Regardless, if you do believe that your girlfriend is an autonomous adult, then you should agree it's absolutely her choice to delegate whatever decisionmaking she pleases to her family members. You may not find that to be the behavior of someone you'd like to date, but the impulse to try to convert her to the sorts of decisionmaking processes you can approve is only going to end badly for both yourself and her.
posted by Bardolph at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Regardless, if you do believe that your girlfriend is an autonomous adult, then you should agree it's absolutely her choice to delegate whatever decisionmaking she pleases to her family members. You may not find that to be the behavior of someone you'd like to date, but the impulse to try to convert her to the sorts of decisionmaking processes you can approve is only going to end badly for both yourself and her.
posted by Bardolph at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
If your girlfriend were comfortable sleeping in a bed with you, she would not be listening to her mother. She's not ready to spend the night yet. It's only been two months, that's perfectly fine.
posted by maryr at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by maryr at 11:10 AM on December 3, 2015 [13 favorites]
Honestly, without more context, it's perfectly possible that either your girlfriend is joking or that her mother was. Nor do we know that she talked to her mother about anything inappropriate or weird; she might have just said casually, "Oh, I'll be at Bob's house that night" or something like that. You need to ask her for clarification, not us.
posted by holborne at 11:11 AM on December 3, 2015
posted by holborne at 11:11 AM on December 3, 2015
This is a difficult question to answer.
First, just for the record, her parents don't want you to share (separate) beds but they want you to sleep in separate beds.
(this seems picky, and as a non-native speaker I should shut up already, but formulating this detail the right way will make future discussions about the issue crucially less prone to misunderstandings)
Second, two months are not long, and if these parents know their (introverted) daughter and love her, they will quite naturally feel protective of her, vis-à-vis a new (fundamentally still unknown) boyfriend. If they're religious, they will also be protective of their principles as such.
Now, if you're serious about this relationship, these are both things to have to begin to take seriously, too, because they're not going to go away (no matter what you may think of them).
Finally, your statement, "my girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this," is very problematic. What you do, by "working with her" on this, is in fact taking agency out of her hands, so the entire setup is principally flawed. Does she have the problems or do you have them, because she seems not to make her own decisions? Why would you work with her on this at all, instead of just trying to be supportive while she herself works out the things that she perceives as "problems"?
Don't let the age difference fool you into assuming some kind of father role, and if only because it will SO bite you in the butt once she's actually learned to make her own decisions.
I'd say sleep in separate beds for the time being, or get single again.
posted by Namlit at 11:12 AM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
First, just for the record, her parents don't want you to share (separate) beds but they want you to sleep in separate beds.
(this seems picky, and as a non-native speaker I should shut up already, but formulating this detail the right way will make future discussions about the issue crucially less prone to misunderstandings)
Second, two months are not long, and if these parents know their (introverted) daughter and love her, they will quite naturally feel protective of her, vis-à-vis a new (fundamentally still unknown) boyfriend. If they're religious, they will also be protective of their principles as such.
Now, if you're serious about this relationship, these are both things to have to begin to take seriously, too, because they're not going to go away (no matter what you may think of them).
Finally, your statement, "my girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this," is very problematic. What you do, by "working with her" on this, is in fact taking agency out of her hands, so the entire setup is principally flawed. Does she have the problems or do you have them, because she seems not to make her own decisions? Why would you work with her on this at all, instead of just trying to be supportive while she herself works out the things that she perceives as "problems"?
Don't let the age difference fool you into assuming some kind of father role, and if only because it will SO bite you in the butt once she's actually learned to make her own decisions.
I'd say sleep in separate beds for the time being, or get single again.
posted by Namlit at 11:12 AM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Does your GF still live at home with her mother? If so, I can see where the mother might feel entitled to make such decisions.
posted by SillyShepherd at 11:14 AM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by SillyShepherd at 11:14 AM on December 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
You can either be okay with all this - the telling her mother about it, the mother's response, the fact that your girlfriend literally can't make a decision about this on her own - or not. Stay with her like this or don't.
You don't get to tell her what to think, do, feel.
If you want advice for yourself, it doesn't take relationship experience to be able to think about situations like a grownup, and make decisions about what information you give to whom (like whether to tell your mother you're sleeping over at your boyfriend's house, or tell your boyfriend what your mother said when you told her), and to decide for yourself what to do with/about your vagina. Your girlfriend is not able do that.
Do not have sleepovers with women you know are incapable of making grownup decisions. Do not invite naive women over for sleepovers in which you do not explicitly discuss what "sleeping over" entails.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
You don't get to tell her what to think, do, feel.
If you want advice for yourself, it doesn't take relationship experience to be able to think about situations like a grownup, and make decisions about what information you give to whom (like whether to tell your mother you're sleeping over at your boyfriend's house, or tell your boyfriend what your mother said when you told her), and to decide for yourself what to do with/about your vagina. Your girlfriend is not able do that.
Do not have sleepovers with women you know are incapable of making grownup decisions. Do not invite naive women over for sleepovers in which you do not explicitly discuss what "sleeping over" entails.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I asked my girlfriend recently if she would like to stay the night at my house. Well, she told her mother and my girlfriend sent me a text that made me feel uncomfortable.
Wait, what was her answer when you asked her? Did she say she has to ask her mom or did give you answer and now her mom is telling her something different?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wait, what was her answer when you asked her? Did she say she has to ask her mom or did give you answer and now her mom is telling her something different?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Two more possibilities:
Possibly she feels you are pushing her too fast and it is easier to blame her mother than for her to get in a direct confrontation with you by telling you she is not ready to sleep in your bed.
Or possibly she feels uneasy about the relationship and asked her mother because she knew she'd get the answer she wanted.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:20 AM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
Possibly she feels you are pushing her too fast and it is easier to blame her mother than for her to get in a direct confrontation with you by telling you she is not ready to sleep in your bed.
Or possibly she feels uneasy about the relationship and asked her mother because she knew she'd get the answer she wanted.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:20 AM on December 3, 2015 [14 favorites]
How should I proceed with this?
Ask your girlfriend what she wants. Letting her express her wishes is going to help increase her sense of agency.
Don't tell her that she should express herself, or that she needs to tell her mother to stay out of it or whatever. Let her come to her own decisions and support her in them.
posted by Solomon at 11:21 AM on December 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
Ask your girlfriend what she wants. Letting her express her wishes is going to help increase her sense of agency.
Don't tell her that she should express herself, or that she needs to tell her mother to stay out of it or whatever. Let her come to her own decisions and support her in them.
posted by Solomon at 11:21 AM on December 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
Frankly, the easy solution is for her to say, "Sure, mom," sleep in separate beds at her house, and do whatever the hell you want at yours. Where 'whatever the hell you want' means 'what you and your girlfriend have discussed and are comfortable with'.
While this is certainly a touch dishonest, it is the sort of thing I had absolutely no qualms lying (by omission as much as possible, but straight up if need be) to my parents about when I was in your girlfriend's shoes. It's none of their business, but there's also no sense in going out of your way to rub it in their face. The good news is, now that I'm married, my mother is a garden-variety tries-not-to-interfere-and-often-succeeds mother. It's not an issue. Similarly, when my now-husband was in his early-mid 20s and we weren't married, his mother insisted we sleep in different rooms as well. (We set alarms for 4:30am or so to be sure one of us got back to our own bed in time.)
Point is, parents can issue these edicts and it doesn't mean they're going to ruin your life forever. I never felt the need to lie about much else to my parents; that specific dishonesty hasn't made me a dishonest person.
What's important is that you and your girlfriend can make up your own minds and your own decisions. If that's what you can't do, you may have a bigger problem.
posted by telepanda at 11:28 AM on December 3, 2015
While this is certainly a touch dishonest, it is the sort of thing I had absolutely no qualms lying (by omission as much as possible, but straight up if need be) to my parents about when I was in your girlfriend's shoes. It's none of their business, but there's also no sense in going out of your way to rub it in their face. The good news is, now that I'm married, my mother is a garden-variety tries-not-to-interfere-and-often-succeeds mother. It's not an issue. Similarly, when my now-husband was in his early-mid 20s and we weren't married, his mother insisted we sleep in different rooms as well. (We set alarms for 4:30am or so to be sure one of us got back to our own bed in time.)
Point is, parents can issue these edicts and it doesn't mean they're going to ruin your life forever. I never felt the need to lie about much else to my parents; that specific dishonesty hasn't made me a dishonest person.
What's important is that you and your girlfriend can make up your own minds and your own decisions. If that's what you can't do, you may have a bigger problem.
posted by telepanda at 11:28 AM on December 3, 2015
Honestly, there could be all sorts of things going on here. I would find out if this was some sort of weird joke-gone-wrong. But absent that option, honestly at your age I would just not be into dating someone who seems to have a teenager's level of of maturity when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm your age, and while I'm married now so not on the market, I literally cannot imagine this scenario going down with anyone I know who I would be interested in dating. I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything, just...I don't know, dancing around these issues is just something I'm so over at this point in my life. YMMV.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:28 AM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:28 AM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Maybe she's just nervous and not used to deciding what she wants for herself. Tell her you'll do whatever _she_ wants. Happily.
posted by amtho at 11:34 AM on December 3, 2015
posted by amtho at 11:34 AM on December 3, 2015
If anything required a face-to-face conversation this topic is it. This is where you get to voice your concerns:
1. I'm surprised that you'd share a detail of our intimate life with your parents.
2. I'm bemused that your mother would tell you to sleep in a separate bed from me.
3. I'm astonished that rather than think about what it is that YOU want, that you would outsource this decision to your parents.
Frankly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. You already have a significant age difference for where you each are in your lives. While a mature and more experienced 25 year old might be an appropriate match for you, this particular, sheltered and inexperienced 25 year old does not seem like a good match. If you're "working with her" on things, it suggests to me a paternalistic relationship, which, since she already relies too much on her parents seems to be clinging to an unhealthy dynamic in her relationship with you.
It's only been two months. It's probably best to move onto someone who is more appropriate for you. This person is just too young and naïve for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:51 AM on December 3, 2015 [20 favorites]
1. I'm surprised that you'd share a detail of our intimate life with your parents.
2. I'm bemused that your mother would tell you to sleep in a separate bed from me.
3. I'm astonished that rather than think about what it is that YOU want, that you would outsource this decision to your parents.
Frankly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. You already have a significant age difference for where you each are in your lives. While a mature and more experienced 25 year old might be an appropriate match for you, this particular, sheltered and inexperienced 25 year old does not seem like a good match. If you're "working with her" on things, it suggests to me a paternalistic relationship, which, since she already relies too much on her parents seems to be clinging to an unhealthy dynamic in her relationship with you.
It's only been two months. It's probably best to move onto someone who is more appropriate for you. This person is just too young and naïve for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:51 AM on December 3, 2015 [20 favorites]
Your girlfriend is making the decision for herself -- even if she says her mother decided for her. I agree with those who say, let her do what she wants. But in your shoes, I'd treat it and talk about it as her decision...leave the mom aspect out of it.
posted by wryly at 11:53 AM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by wryly at 11:53 AM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Does girlfriend still live with her parents? If she's sheltered, immature for her age, lacks independence, and is significantly younger than you, I'm not sure if she's a good overall match for you. Encouraging her to have agency is fine, but she may have a lot more work to do than you think if she's been been very sheltered and also is still living with her parents in a situation that more closely resembles the authority/control structure a teen would have with their parents.
Talk to her more about this and do whatever she wants and feels comfortable with. And, consider that this may not be a healthy match if she's a 25 year old woman living a 15 year old's life. If I've read all of this wrong and she's living out of her parent's house and is independently working and supporting herself and is otherwise living an adult life, then maybe she would be willing to consider not sharing everything with her parents/mother if her parents are still acting as though they get to make decisions for their adult child and she feels like she has to obey.
posted by quince at 11:56 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Talk to her more about this and do whatever she wants and feels comfortable with. And, consider that this may not be a healthy match if she's a 25 year old woman living a 15 year old's life. If I've read all of this wrong and she's living out of her parent's house and is independently working and supporting herself and is otherwise living an adult life, then maybe she would be willing to consider not sharing everything with her parents/mother if her parents are still acting as though they get to make decisions for their adult child and she feels like she has to obey.
posted by quince at 11:56 AM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It is possible that she said "Hey mom, just FYI, don't expect me home on Friday night, I'm gonna sleep at boyfriend's house" and her mom freaked out.
But we don't know the nature of her arrangement living with her parents. I'm going to assume that she is living at home as a cost-saving measure. However, as a 25-year-old living at home, she likely has had some issues transitioning from "child in parents' home" to "adult in parents' home" - does she financially contribute to bills? Does she cook her own meals? Do her own laundry? Etc. I'd suggest that she needs to have a conversation with her parents negotiating what it means to be an adult living with them and the amount of control they have over her choices. For better or worse, if they are financially supporting her (she doesn't have to pay rent, they provide her food, utilities, etc.), they may believe that they have the ability to control certain aspects of her life.
If her parents are unwilling to work with her on guidelines about how it works when an adult child lives in their house and she is unwilling to live under their rules, then she needs to consider moving out.
But really, if you were my buddy, I'd say RUN RUN RUN RUN from this situation.
posted by k8t at 11:59 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
But we don't know the nature of her arrangement living with her parents. I'm going to assume that she is living at home as a cost-saving measure. However, as a 25-year-old living at home, she likely has had some issues transitioning from "child in parents' home" to "adult in parents' home" - does she financially contribute to bills? Does she cook her own meals? Do her own laundry? Etc. I'd suggest that she needs to have a conversation with her parents negotiating what it means to be an adult living with them and the amount of control they have over her choices. For better or worse, if they are financially supporting her (she doesn't have to pay rent, they provide her food, utilities, etc.), they may believe that they have the ability to control certain aspects of her life.
If her parents are unwilling to work with her on guidelines about how it works when an adult child lives in their house and she is unwilling to live under their rules, then she needs to consider moving out.
But really, if you were my buddy, I'd say RUN RUN RUN RUN from this situation.
posted by k8t at 11:59 AM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that she is using her Mom's text as a way to get out of doing something that she's actually uncomfortable with without it coming across as a rejection? Maybe she's not ready to sleep in the same bed as you but she doesn't want you to think she doesn't like you so she's using Mom as an excuse?
posted by Jacqueline at 1:06 PM on December 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 1:06 PM on December 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
You know, you need to talk to her, not us. The question is what she wants, not what we think of her mom's text.
This line from your post is bothering me a bit: My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this. Because if she has a mom who tries to direct her life, I don't think it will help her a bit to have a boyfriend who does the same. The way people get to make their own decisions is if they are asked their preferences, and others abide by those.
posted by bearwife at 1:29 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This line from your post is bothering me a bit: My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this. Because if she has a mom who tries to direct her life, I don't think it will help her a bit to have a boyfriend who does the same. The way people get to make their own decisions is if they are asked their preferences, and others abide by those.
posted by bearwife at 1:29 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I used to play a game with my parents where, whenever friends were asking me to do things I didn't want to do, but I didn't feel confident enough to say no, I would ask my parents by saying "so-and-so asked me if I wanted to do [thing], so I'm calling so that you can tell me I'm not allowed." They would laugh and say I wasn't allowed (I was, but, you know), and then I'd tell my friends my parents said no, UGHHHHHH.
Now, she's older than I was when this was going on, but if she is someone who is not used to enforcing her own boundaries, then this is a really convenient dodge. (Even if her mother isn't in on it, and said what your girlfriend knew would say.)
I mean, the question becomes whether or not you, a person in your 30s, are comfortable being in a relationship with someone who might not feel confident telling you what she wants without someone backing her up. Plus, if she has some idea that you are trying to teach her how to make her own decisions (as long as those decisions align with what you think is best), she will be even more reluctant to be open and honest about telling you stuff.
Maybe none of these suppositions are true, and you are helping to bust her out of a Quiverfull mental prison. But...don't you want to date a grownup who can confidently tell you what she wants?
What if her decision is that her faith is really important to her and she wants to date you for five years without having sex? Would you be quite as enthusiastic to help her to make her own decision there? You seem to have a whiff of "my decisions are logical, hers are irrational" here, and that is troubling.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:32 PM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Now, she's older than I was when this was going on, but if she is someone who is not used to enforcing her own boundaries, then this is a really convenient dodge. (Even if her mother isn't in on it, and said what your girlfriend knew would say.)
I mean, the question becomes whether or not you, a person in your 30s, are comfortable being in a relationship with someone who might not feel confident telling you what she wants without someone backing her up. Plus, if she has some idea that you are trying to teach her how to make her own decisions (as long as those decisions align with what you think is best), she will be even more reluctant to be open and honest about telling you stuff.
Maybe none of these suppositions are true, and you are helping to bust her out of a Quiverfull mental prison. But...don't you want to date a grownup who can confidently tell you what she wants?
What if her decision is that her faith is really important to her and she wants to date you for five years without having sex? Would you be quite as enthusiastic to help her to make her own decision there? You seem to have a whiff of "my decisions are logical, hers are irrational" here, and that is troubling.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 1:32 PM on December 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Firstly you need to talk to her, because the internet can't give you much based on a single text with little to no context of the whole situation.
Second, she is an adult. However (if your side of this is true) she is not acting like an adult (or the adult the relationship needs). This would be a dealbreaker. I know everyone matures differently or has different family and moral values, but hell I'm 25, married, and independent of my parents. (Well I'm on my dad's really good insurance for the next couple of months...)
So it doesn't sound like emotionally/maturity wise you're a match with this woman. You're at different levels plus there's an age difference.
Thirdly, even if she DOES want to become more independent toward her mother, you're not the person who needs to coach her. She's not your pet or your child. She needs a neutral third party (friend, therapist, etc) to help her if her goal is to become more independent. You're NOT a neutral party and you'll be encouraging her to do what YOU want her to do, not what she wants or what may be in her best interest. Don't convince yourself that what you want IS what she wants either. Don't convince yourself that you can be neutral, because by the nature of being her boyfriend, you're not neutral.
Overall I'd see what she meant, make sure it wasn't a joke or something, but very strongly consider ending the relationship. You each need someone on your own level.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:32 PM on December 3, 2015
Second, she is an adult. However (if your side of this is true) she is not acting like an adult (or the adult the relationship needs). This would be a dealbreaker. I know everyone matures differently or has different family and moral values, but hell I'm 25, married, and independent of my parents. (Well I'm on my dad's really good insurance for the next couple of months...)
So it doesn't sound like emotionally/maturity wise you're a match with this woman. You're at different levels plus there's an age difference.
Thirdly, even if she DOES want to become more independent toward her mother, you're not the person who needs to coach her. She's not your pet or your child. She needs a neutral third party (friend, therapist, etc) to help her if her goal is to become more independent. You're NOT a neutral party and you'll be encouraging her to do what YOU want her to do, not what she wants or what may be in her best interest. Don't convince yourself that what you want IS what she wants either. Don't convince yourself that you can be neutral, because by the nature of being her boyfriend, you're not neutral.
Overall I'd see what she meant, make sure it wasn't a joke or something, but very strongly consider ending the relationship. You each need someone on your own level.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:32 PM on December 3, 2015
It's adorable that this mother thinks she's the decider. You and your girlfriend make your own decisions. Mom isn't watching. Mom relies on information from her daughter.
When I was young and worried about this sort of thing, I had no problem whatsoever taking the approach of saying, "Yes, mom, we'll sleep in separate beds" while sleeping in the same bed.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:55 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I was young and worried about this sort of thing, I had no problem whatsoever taking the approach of saying, "Yes, mom, we'll sleep in separate beds" while sleeping in the same bed.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:55 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
The appropriate response is "You're an adult. Sleep anywhere you'd like!"
posted by DarlingBri at 3:17 PM on December 3, 2015
posted by DarlingBri at 3:17 PM on December 3, 2015
I think if your girlfriend wanted to share your bed, she would have kept whatever her mom said to herself.
posted by oneirodynia at 3:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by oneirodynia at 3:33 PM on December 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Captain Awkward had a great question/answer/discussion thread about this issue just recently
posted by cadge at 3:37 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cadge at 3:37 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Adding to the chorus: I think there's a good chance she's trying to be tactful and slow things down re your invitation to spend the night. In any case if her parents' opinions ARE that important to her, you should try to respect that. Whether you can live with it is another question.
posted by Coaticass at 4:29 PM on December 3, 2015
posted by Coaticass at 4:29 PM on December 3, 2015
I, personally, would not be interested in pursuing a relationship with a grown adult who still does as their parent(s) decree.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:43 PM on December 3, 2015
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:43 PM on December 3, 2015
I wonder if she is fully aware of contraception... Her parents might have scared her about unwanted pregnancy if they are so involved and restricted. ( I realize you said no sex, but presumably eventually you will and she might think sharing the bed is a step down that path)
posted by flink at 8:59 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 8:59 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
She sounds pretty immature to me if she's 25 and is going on what her mom says when her mom is nowhere in the vicinity. I thought this question was about like, staying at her mom's for the holidays, but this is just staying at your house when dating and you need separate beds? Um.... maybe she's not quite mentally mature enough for that sort of relationship yet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:36 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:36 PM on December 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
You def. have to talk with her (without mom). Knowing a lot of peeps coming from different faiths and backgrounds, you soo have to discuss this with her in a frank and kind way. Ask her about her beliefs, boundaries and expectations and share yours. keeping it light is also really cool, sex in the context of religious stuff can be pretty awkward to discuss because it does seem old school.
please please hear her out. there's a real possibility that if you don't, and just kind of wing it, hope for the best, she might do something she might regret and you don't want to feel like you pushed her into anything. Go for it. This is a solid time to see if your values match up and if you're willing to live with that or not.
posted by speakeasy at 2:47 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
please please hear her out. there's a real possibility that if you don't, and just kind of wing it, hope for the best, she might do something she might regret and you don't want to feel like you pushed her into anything. Go for it. This is a solid time to see if your values match up and if you're willing to live with that or not.
posted by speakeasy at 2:47 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm slightly confused. Is your girlfriend not allowed to share any bed with you anywhere? i.e. your apartment, her apartment, etc. Or she's not allowed to share a bed with you at the parents house?
If it's the former, it's up to your girlfriend to grow a spine. If she does not, move on. It's probably not going to get better.
If it's the latter, sleep on the couch for a couple nights in their den. It's their house and you have to respect their sleeping arrangements. If it bothers you, spring for a nearby hotel room.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:55 AM on December 4, 2015
If it's the former, it's up to your girlfriend to grow a spine. If she does not, move on. It's probably not going to get better.
If it's the latter, sleep on the couch for a couple nights in their den. It's their house and you have to respect their sleeping arrangements. If it bothers you, spring for a nearby hotel room.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:55 AM on December 4, 2015
you need to reframe this in your mind - her mom can't actually decide this for her. if she's going along with what her mom thinks that is your girlfriend's decision. doing any sort of "my house, my rules" with her comes off as she has to share a bed with you to sleep over - is that what you want to convey? there do seem to be age/experience/power imbalances between you two and you need to be very mindful and careful with that. if she said "i will sleep over but i want to sleep in separate beds" how would you react? would you respect that? try doing that here, pretend she didn't mention hey mom and move forward as if she were telling you her preference because it's likely she was doing exactly that.
posted by nadawi at 7:02 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nadawi at 7:02 AM on December 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is she financially dependent on her parents?
I think inviting a girlfriend to spend the night is implicitly sexual to probably 90% of people in mainstream American society.
As to what you should do, I'd break up with her. This is already too weird. Let's say you eventually marry her. Her parents will be in-laws. If they don't like you, that could really suck and be miserable. People like this are already going to have huge culture clashes with you in other ways, too- virtually guaranteed. Too much work for me, would choose to walk away.
posted by quincunx at 11:46 AM on December 4, 2015
I think inviting a girlfriend to spend the night is implicitly sexual to probably 90% of people in mainstream American society.
As to what you should do, I'd break up with her. This is already too weird. Let's say you eventually marry her. Her parents will be in-laws. If they don't like you, that could really suck and be miserable. People like this are already going to have huge culture clashes with you in other ways, too- virtually guaranteed. Too much work for me, would choose to walk away.
posted by quincunx at 11:46 AM on December 4, 2015
I did not have any intention to have sex with her when I asked if she could spend the night
I am making a puzzled dog face at the computer right now. Does she know that? What does she think you guys are going to do, watch movies and order pizza and braid each other's hair?
When I was 25 I would've been confused if my boyfriend invited me to spend the night for the first time and it was to... what? I don't even know what sleepovers involve in this situation.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:07 PM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am making a puzzled dog face at the computer right now. Does she know that? What does she think you guys are going to do, watch movies and order pizza and braid each other's hair?
When I was 25 I would've been confused if my boyfriend invited me to spend the night for the first time and it was to... what? I don't even know what sleepovers involve in this situation.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:07 PM on December 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
For what it's worth, i've had several shorter dating/relationship situations like this. Some of which barely got past the "first couple dates/times hanging out" stage. They always ALWAYS flamed out because they would just keep reporting back to their mom/parents, and it always ended in a situation where i was somehow triangulated in to it with their parents. One time her parents showed up at my house(and tried to call the cops! who wouldn't do anything, but still) because she had told them she was over and quit responding to their texts/answering the phone after they demon dialed her like 30 times over some weird shit and they were "concerned". And yes, this was an adult woman.
This is pretty directly in "i don't think this is going to work out" territory for me now. You can't really date someone else when you're basically dating your parents, and they're the controlling borderline abusive spouse.
My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this.
Wow, people really wanted to read you being an asshole in to this part i guess. And seriously... why?
I read this as she presents a situation like this where her parents told her what decision to make on something and didn't let her have a choice, and you asked her what she personally would like to do. Why is there so much assumption of controlling shittiness?
I honestly think you have good intentions here, but the way i approached that sentence is "well... tough". This isn't your problem to solve, you are not in a good position to do it, and this will likely blow up in your face. She needs to work this out on her own before she's ready to date. IMO this is one of those dealbreaker issues in dating like untreated depression, addiction, etc. You can't be her partner AND her therapist without getting in to weirdly problematic territory.
Not to mention that, yea, i've just never seen this nut be cracked. I've watched it blow up in close friends faces too.
posted by emptythought at 12:32 PM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is pretty directly in "i don't think this is going to work out" territory for me now. You can't really date someone else when you're basically dating your parents, and they're the controlling borderline abusive spouse.
My girlfriend definitely has problems making her own decisions so I have been working with her on this.
Wow, people really wanted to read you being an asshole in to this part i guess. And seriously... why?
I read this as she presents a situation like this where her parents told her what decision to make on something and didn't let her have a choice, and you asked her what she personally would like to do. Why is there so much assumption of controlling shittiness?
I honestly think you have good intentions here, but the way i approached that sentence is "well... tough". This isn't your problem to solve, you are not in a good position to do it, and this will likely blow up in your face. She needs to work this out on her own before she's ready to date. IMO this is one of those dealbreaker issues in dating like untreated depression, addiction, etc. You can't be her partner AND her therapist without getting in to weirdly problematic territory.
Not to mention that, yea, i've just never seen this nut be cracked. I've watched it blow up in close friends faces too.
posted by emptythought at 12:32 PM on December 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
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Now, if you were to stay at her mother's house then her mother could make some rules that you might have to respect, but that's not the case. This is your adult girlfriend staying at your house.
This is on your girlfriend. Why is she even asking her mother? She needs to cut the leash and you need to tell her so.
posted by bondcliff at 10:53 AM on December 3, 2015 [54 favorites]