And you thought the Grinch would never pay $5.
December 1, 2015 1:15 PM Subscribe
I'm going to be cranky this Christmas. Assume it's unavoidable and no ghosts will be visiting me to convince me otherwise. What should I watch, read, and do that will help me feel less alone in my crankiness?
It's been a bad year generally and I'm finishing it off with a breakup. It sucks! I'm usually the obnoxious person who loves the holidays, but this year there is a lump of coal wrapped in an icicle where the joy to the world usually lives. Because I'm formerly quite attuned to the merry trappings of the season, I know I won't do very well at pretending it's not happening - so I'd like to steer into the skid and really wallow in My No-Good Christmas.
Please give me your true crime books set at Christmastime, your black Christmas comedies, your bummer songs, your elf-haunted houses to visit (??) or whatever else might resonate with a real dang crotchety person between now and New Year's.
Dark is okay. Horror is okay. Bleakly funny is good. I would prefer to avoid anything where an orphan dies for want of parents and presents, or an unreasonably handsome/beautiful lonely person finds the true meaning of the season, unless it is done with a VERY light touch. Not religious so anything overtly so is a no go.
I dutifully did my "Previously" search, but most prior askers seemed to want to be cheered up or put in the Christmas spirit. NOT ME, BOY!! This is good but I want to cast a net wider than movies.
---
(Assume I also am doing all the normal stuff of reaching out to friends and volunteering and all of that and will not just be watching the Christmas murder movies you recommend in my unlit garret until I freeze to death. I know that I am lucky to be healthy and safe and I promise not to lose perspective)
((Bonus points if you want to tell me some MEANINGFUL/MAYBE SPOOKY things I can do on NYE or the winter solstice to symbolically ensure 2016 is better))
(((Sorry I only ever post AskMes to get recommendations about stuff to put in my eyeballs)))
It's been a bad year generally and I'm finishing it off with a breakup. It sucks! I'm usually the obnoxious person who loves the holidays, but this year there is a lump of coal wrapped in an icicle where the joy to the world usually lives. Because I'm formerly quite attuned to the merry trappings of the season, I know I won't do very well at pretending it's not happening - so I'd like to steer into the skid and really wallow in My No-Good Christmas.
Please give me your true crime books set at Christmastime, your black Christmas comedies, your bummer songs, your elf-haunted houses to visit (??) or whatever else might resonate with a real dang crotchety person between now and New Year's.
Dark is okay. Horror is okay. Bleakly funny is good. I would prefer to avoid anything where an orphan dies for want of parents and presents, or an unreasonably handsome/beautiful lonely person finds the true meaning of the season, unless it is done with a VERY light touch. Not religious so anything overtly so is a no go.
I dutifully did my "Previously" search, but most prior askers seemed to want to be cheered up or put in the Christmas spirit. NOT ME, BOY!! This is good but I want to cast a net wider than movies.
---
(Assume I also am doing all the normal stuff of reaching out to friends and volunteering and all of that and will not just be watching the Christmas murder movies you recommend in my unlit garret until I freeze to death. I know that I am lucky to be healthy and safe and I promise not to lose perspective)
((Bonus points if you want to tell me some MEANINGFUL/MAYBE SPOOKY things I can do on NYE or the winter solstice to symbolically ensure 2016 is better))
(((Sorry I only ever post AskMes to get recommendations about stuff to put in my eyeballs)))
I hate Christmas every year.
Batman Returns is my favorite Christmas movie. Enjoy.
posted by millipede at 1:19 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Batman Returns is my favorite Christmas movie. Enjoy.
posted by millipede at 1:19 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Bad Santa? Scrooged? At least they start out bad.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:23 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:23 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
SomaFM internet radio has several Christmas stations, but XMas in Frisko is the one with a healthy mix of Muppets and incredibly obscene deep cuts mocking traditional Christmas music.
posted by Hypatia at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Hypatia at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nthing Bad Santa.The narrative arc might wind up a bit chipper for you, but only the very very end; until then, it's hilarious and has a profane black heart. I'm pretty much crying with laughter every time I watch it.
posted by holborne at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by holborne at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
A fantastic flapjax at midnite blues-and-Christmas music post: my baby left me, start'd me drinkin' on christmas day.
When most folks think of "Christmas music" it's doubtful that their next thought will be "the blues", but along with "my baby" or "bad luck" or "leavin' in the morning", bluesmen have long included Christmas as lyric inspiration. Which bluesmen? Well...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:32 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
When most folks think of "Christmas music" it's doubtful that their next thought will be "the blues", but along with "my baby" or "bad luck" or "leavin' in the morning", bluesmen have long included Christmas as lyric inspiration. Which bluesmen? Well...
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:32 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The Ref might have too much of a redemption arc, but it's pretty great.
posted by mskyle at 1:33 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 1:33 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
Silent Night, Violent Night by Carol Verburg
posted by SemiSalt at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SemiSalt at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
RARE EXPORTS, FOREVER. It's a gentle horror movie about the TRUTH OF SANTA, it's Finnish and has subtitles and is just so well done and touching without being twee. I've discovered that it's hard to find my true kin spirits about this movie, I showed it to a group of people once and they all just looked at me afterwards as if I was an insane woman for thinking what a great holiday film that must be shared with everyone.
posted by foxfirefey at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by foxfirefey at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [20 favorites]
I asked last year for Christmas songs or carols that aren't triumphant or especially joyful. Some of the answers may be of use.
posted by Area Man at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Area Man at 1:34 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley. Eminently depressing.
posted by Telpethoron at 1:35 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by Telpethoron at 1:35 PM on December 1, 2015
For music suggestions there are previous threads from 2012 and 2010 that may be of interest to you.
And how about a French horror movie set at Xmas: Sheitan.
posted by misteraitch at 1:36 PM on December 1, 2015
And how about a French horror movie set at Xmas: Sheitan.
posted by misteraitch at 1:36 PM on December 1, 2015
I really like "Home for the Holidays" with Holly Hunter. It's about a shitty holiday and doesn't feel mean spirited, but doesn't sugar coat anything either. And it's really funny.
posted by selfnoise at 1:40 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 1:40 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Definitely Bad Santa.
posted by number9dream at 1:42 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by number9dream at 1:42 PM on December 1, 2015
It may not be cranky enough for you, but I'm in love with the Mr. Bean episode where he does Xmas (mostly) alone. Of course, being Mr. Bean, this bothers him not at all.
posted by bearwife at 1:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bearwife at 1:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
"It's a Wonderful Life", Capra's American version of A Christmas Carol (don't get me started), is pretty bleak until the very end. Watch it until the policeman levels his gun at George around 1:44:00 and then stop it, imagining that George gets shot and killed and everything goes black. Instant evil Christmas movie!
posted by ubiquity at 1:44 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by ubiquity at 1:44 PM on December 1, 2015
There are two seasonally-ish-themed Moth story slams in your area this month (On Thin Ice, Joy).
The Bell House has two relevant events this month:
A very very special holiday haunting renditions
Julie Glausner's depressing christmas party
posted by melissasaurus at 1:46 PM on December 1, 2015
The Bell House has two relevant events this month:
A very very special holiday haunting renditions
Julie Glausner's depressing christmas party
posted by melissasaurus at 1:46 PM on December 1, 2015
There are a bunch of Christmas-themed South Park episodes. Most of them are very, very dark.
There's also Gremlins.
posted by General Malaise at 1:47 PM on December 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
There's also Gremlins.
posted by General Malaise at 1:47 PM on December 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Invader ZIM: The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever is weird and dark while still being "for kids." It's not heartwarming in the least. You don't need to necessarily know anything about Invader ZIM to enjoy it -- it's pretty much a standalone.
Not extremely cynical, just more ... I don't know really know how to explain it, but AD/BC: A Rock Opera by Matt Berry and Richard Ayoade got put into my rotation of weird/offbeat Christmas-related programs.
My boyfriend has been trying to convince me that I Come in Peace is a Christmas movie. I haven't seen it but it does have Dolph Lundgren and aliens, which are two things I enjoy (as should everyone).
posted by darksong at 1:53 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not extremely cynical, just more ... I don't know really know how to explain it, but AD/BC: A Rock Opera by Matt Berry and Richard Ayoade got put into my rotation of weird/offbeat Christmas-related programs.
My boyfriend has been trying to convince me that I Come in Peace is a Christmas movie. I haven't seen it but it does have Dolph Lundgren and aliens, which are two things I enjoy (as should everyone).
posted by darksong at 1:53 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
some MEANINGFUL/MAYBE SPOOKY things
Have you ever been to Coney Island in the winter?
I was stranded in NYC one year for Christmas when my flight home was cancelled and spent part of Christmas Eve Day going down there. Buildings are boarded up, the wind is cold, the sand is cold, the water is cold, everything is cold cold cold. It was wonderfully bleak.
posted by mochapickle at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Have you ever been to Coney Island in the winter?
I was stranded in NYC one year for Christmas when my flight home was cancelled and spent part of Christmas Eve Day going down there. Buildings are boarded up, the wind is cold, the sand is cold, the water is cold, everything is cold cold cold. It was wonderfully bleak.
posted by mochapickle at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I just saw White Sun of the Desert, this classic Soviet epic thing that mimics classic Western films with a touch of Ulysses. Not Christmas, but visually stunning, and nearly everybody interesting gets killed! Youtube.
posted by JanetLand at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by JanetLand at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2015
Krampus! The holiday horror movie than I am anxiously awaiting.
posted by KernalM at 1:59 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by KernalM at 1:59 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Monologue: "Polly Anderson's Christmas Party" (SLYT), a bleakly funny tale of holiday disaster.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:03 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:03 PM on December 1, 2015
The Irony of Fate is a strange, sad (and quintessentially Russian) movie that is mostly set on New Year's Eve. It could be good to watch during the week in between Christmas and NYE.
posted by too bad you're not me at 2:04 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by too bad you're not me at 2:04 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
The Apartment! And A Christmas Tale.
posted by thetortoise at 2:09 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 2:09 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, and for your spooky New Year, you MUST play Year Walk.
posted by thetortoise at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by thetortoise at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, I kind of cringe to say this, but lots of people post AskMes revealing miserable human relations strife around the holidays. You won't feel alone reading the Human Relations section of Ask between Thanksgiving and January 2.
posted by sweetkid at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 2:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
Die Hard
posted by galvanized unicorn at 2:14 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by galvanized unicorn at 2:14 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't think that any episodes of Hannibal are specifically set around Christmas, but it's art-murder tableaus and delicious looking cannibal dinner parties seem to happen in a universe where it is permanently winter.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:25 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by sparklemotion at 2:25 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Aimee Mann has a Christmas album.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the day of, there's the traditional Chinese food and seeing a bunch of movies at the theater.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 2:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
What about going somewhere not wintry? Not to cheer up, just to change it up?
posted by canine epigram at 2:37 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by canine epigram at 2:37 PM on December 1, 2015
I think the Black Mirror episode White Christmas would fit the bill.
posted by NordyneDefenceDynamics at 2:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by NordyneDefenceDynamics at 2:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Everclear songs- Loser Makes Good and Hating You for Christmas. I also love Bad Santa.
posted by the twistinside at 2:48 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by the twistinside at 2:48 PM on December 1, 2015
io9's True Crime section has just started a "Bloodiest Christmas Massacres" feature, which sounds like what you're looking for.
And I will heartily second 'Rare Exports'. Great film.
posted by Vortisaur at 3:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
And I will heartily second 'Rare Exports'. Great film.
posted by Vortisaur at 3:12 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Female Trouble is a classic holiday film.
posted by ernielundquist at 3:13 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ernielundquist at 3:13 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
A Midnight Clear is pretty damn bleak, as I recall.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:18 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:18 PM on December 1, 2015
Terry Pratchett's Hogfather (book or TV adaptation). Not tremendously, irredeemably bleak, but dark in patches (plus humorous, and definitely non-saccharine).
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 3:49 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 3:49 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
In Bruges!
Chicago Cab.
Dead Snow, maybe, although that's not necessarily Christmas.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:52 PM on December 1, 2015
Chicago Cab.
Dead Snow, maybe, although that's not necessarily Christmas.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:52 PM on December 1, 2015
The Ice Harvest
I don't know why I love this bleak movie (Christmas is cheerful for me) but I do.
posted by Monochrome at 4:06 PM on December 1, 2015
I don't know why I love this bleak movie (Christmas is cheerful for me) but I do.
posted by Monochrome at 4:06 PM on December 1, 2015
Black Christmas? Horror (sorority house murders! With drunk Margo Kidder!), directed by the same guy who did A Christmas Story, features an unfortunate break up. ( also remade not too long ago, though I didn't see the remake.)
posted by pepper bird at 4:09 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pepper bird at 4:09 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Tom Waits- Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis
posted by kamikazegopher at 4:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kamikazegopher at 4:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is set during Christmas!
posted by a fiendish thingy at 5:02 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by a fiendish thingy at 5:02 PM on December 1, 2015
Christmas at Ground Zero, Weird Al.
Also, Christmas eps of Father Ted ("A Christmassy Ted"), Blackadder, etc. (maybe even some of the darker British quiz/news/comedy shows?).
posted by wintersweet at 5:17 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, Christmas eps of Father Ted ("A Christmassy Ted"), Blackadder, etc. (maybe even some of the darker British quiz/news/comedy shows?).
posted by wintersweet at 5:17 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you think of the holiday season as starting with Thanksgiving, "Pieces of April" and "The Daytrippers" are both seasonally appropriate portraits of dysfunctional families in crisis. Also seconding "The Apartment." And "Metropolitan" takes place between Christmas and New Year's Eve.
posted by fedward at 5:46 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by fedward at 5:46 PM on December 1, 2015
You can check if any of your local churches are holding a Blue Christmas service, for people who are unhappy during the holidays. The Unitarian Universalists often hold one; they are the creed-less church so they shouldn't require you to pray in Jesus' name, Amen.
For music you might enjoy The Chieftains "Saint Stephen's Day Murders"
".....His gin-flavoured whispers and kisses of sherry
His best crimble shirt flung out over the shop
While the lights from the Christmas tree blow up the telly
His face closes in like an old cold pork chop..."
It has a nice lively tune.
Celebrate the Feast of Holy Innocents - December 28th, a day that traditionally began with beating the children through their bedclothes to wake them up. There are some nice paintings of the original massacre after which the holiday is named.
If you want to sing Christmas carols, the Coventry Carol is another remembrance of the massacre, extremely traditional, mournful and dirge like, although the child to whom it is sung is not dead yet.
You might also wish to commemorate the Tsunami of 2004, which occurred either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day (depending on how far from the epicentre.) Perhaps watch a documentary? Also detonation of Tsar Bomba over Novaya Zemlya occurred on Christmas Day in 1962. And the worst recorded hotel fire, at which 162 people perished, in South Korea in 1971. Or the time that poor King George V sat down to begin the tradition of broadcasting the Christmas Speech and fell through the seat of his chair in 1932.
Rather than welcoming Santa Claus or Father Christmas perhaps you would enjoy a visit from Krampus?
Christmas is associated with spooky stories - A Christmas Carol is the most well known one. Victorians liked to gather in the dark on Christmas Eve and hear scary stories. Dickens wrote the ubiquitous story of Ebenezer Scrooge for that audience but the tradition goes back farther in history and is probably what Shakespeare referred to as Winter's Tales.
For Germanic pagans Yule is the time of the Wild Hunt and another time of the open gateway between worlds when the dead walk the earth. You could make a large model goat out of straw and then set fire to it and then pour wine into the snow. If you have plenty of money to spare and no fear of your local animal cruelty prevention society, sacrifice a real live horse or two and scatter the blood around. Or you could just go hunting and try to kill some hapless small inoffensive beast or bird in the woods, like a sparrow. By Solstice the squirrels will probably all be hibernating but there might be some wrens or chickadees still about. Bonus points if you kill a wren with a bow and arrow. Killing Cock Robin would also earn you plenty of points for deep tradition.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:50 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
For music you might enjoy The Chieftains "Saint Stephen's Day Murders"
".....His gin-flavoured whispers and kisses of sherry
His best crimble shirt flung out over the shop
While the lights from the Christmas tree blow up the telly
His face closes in like an old cold pork chop..."
It has a nice lively tune.
Celebrate the Feast of Holy Innocents - December 28th, a day that traditionally began with beating the children through their bedclothes to wake them up. There are some nice paintings of the original massacre after which the holiday is named.
If you want to sing Christmas carols, the Coventry Carol is another remembrance of the massacre, extremely traditional, mournful and dirge like, although the child to whom it is sung is not dead yet.
You might also wish to commemorate the Tsunami of 2004, which occurred either on Christmas Day or Boxing Day (depending on how far from the epicentre.) Perhaps watch a documentary? Also detonation of Tsar Bomba over Novaya Zemlya occurred on Christmas Day in 1962. And the worst recorded hotel fire, at which 162 people perished, in South Korea in 1971. Or the time that poor King George V sat down to begin the tradition of broadcasting the Christmas Speech and fell through the seat of his chair in 1932.
Rather than welcoming Santa Claus or Father Christmas perhaps you would enjoy a visit from Krampus?
Christmas is associated with spooky stories - A Christmas Carol is the most well known one. Victorians liked to gather in the dark on Christmas Eve and hear scary stories. Dickens wrote the ubiquitous story of Ebenezer Scrooge for that audience but the tradition goes back farther in history and is probably what Shakespeare referred to as Winter's Tales.
For Germanic pagans Yule is the time of the Wild Hunt and another time of the open gateway between worlds when the dead walk the earth. You could make a large model goat out of straw and then set fire to it and then pour wine into the snow. If you have plenty of money to spare and no fear of your local animal cruelty prevention society, sacrifice a real live horse or two and scatter the blood around. Or you could just go hunting and try to kill some hapless small inoffensive beast or bird in the woods, like a sparrow. By Solstice the squirrels will probably all be hibernating but there might be some wrens or chickadees still about. Bonus points if you kill a wren with a bow and arrow. Killing Cock Robin would also earn you plenty of points for deep tradition.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:50 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
For books, Alice Thomas Ellis's The Inn at the Edge of the World: "The five guests at the inn on a remote Scottish island have at least one thing in common—they are all in flight from Christmas. Are their respective unhappinesses impervious to the influence of the uncanny?"
posted by atropos at 6:11 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by atropos at 6:11 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
How about reading Santa Steps Out, the most jaw-dropping purchase I ever made from a mass-market paperback rack at the airport?
posted by Mothlight at 6:33 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by Mothlight at 6:33 PM on December 1, 2015
The Spirit of Christmas is the short that kicked off South Park - the first Mr. Hankey episode is almost as great.
Trading Places has a fantastically bleak Christmas scene, and is also a great, funny movie in its own right.
Not Christmas exactly, but I can't recommend Lemony Snicket's The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming enough
Online (though it looks like there's also a book now): Scared of Santa
posted by Mchelly at 6:46 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Trading Places has a fantastically bleak Christmas scene, and is also a great, funny movie in its own right.
Not Christmas exactly, but I can't recommend Lemony Snicket's The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming enough
Online (though it looks like there's also a book now): Scared of Santa
posted by Mchelly at 6:46 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Counting Crows-- "A Long December"
30 Rock Christmas episodes if you want to laugh!
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:26 PM on December 1, 2015
30 Rock Christmas episodes if you want to laugh!
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:26 PM on December 1, 2015
Mothlight, wtf? That's even worse than The Saint.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 PM on December 1, 2015
Everyone seems to have you covered for entertainment, so for meaningful/spooky things to do, I suggest the following if you have access to somewhere that you can safely set a small fire.
Take a piece of paper and write down one horrible thing that happened during 2015. Repeat until you have a pile of All the Bad Things. If you want to sub one of the pieces of paper with a small easily burnable item that represents that particular Bad thing - even better.
Before midnight, make a small fire, and make sure it's nice and strong and hot. Dance around it, sing to it, tell that it's going to burn burn burn - whatever gets your groove on. Think about all the shit that rained down on you, all the crap that ended up in your life. Get yourself sad, get yourself ANGRY!!
And when you're ready, start burning that shit. One at a time. Thing about each one burning and thing about it all passing into the past. It's old, dead and gone. Burn it all. Yell "Fuck you!" at each one as it goes if you're so moved.
And when you're done, let the fire burn down to nothing and go to bed. The morning is a new year.
(The usual advice applies - don't burn stuff if you're really drunk, practice safe fire lighting, don't burn anything that's going to give toxic smoke, think of the neighbours when howling and screaming etc etc)
posted by ninazer0 at 9:00 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Take a piece of paper and write down one horrible thing that happened during 2015. Repeat until you have a pile of All the Bad Things. If you want to sub one of the pieces of paper with a small easily burnable item that represents that particular Bad thing - even better.
Before midnight, make a small fire, and make sure it's nice and strong and hot. Dance around it, sing to it, tell that it's going to burn burn burn - whatever gets your groove on. Think about all the shit that rained down on you, all the crap that ended up in your life. Get yourself sad, get yourself ANGRY!!
And when you're ready, start burning that shit. One at a time. Thing about each one burning and thing about it all passing into the past. It's old, dead and gone. Burn it all. Yell "Fuck you!" at each one as it goes if you're so moved.
And when you're done, let the fire burn down to nothing and go to bed. The morning is a new year.
(The usual advice applies - don't burn stuff if you're really drunk, practice safe fire lighting, don't burn anything that's going to give toxic smoke, think of the neighbours when howling and screaming etc etc)
posted by ninazer0 at 9:00 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't know what your living setup is, but I feel like it would be fucking amazing to go crazy decorating for A Krampus Christmas, with a bunch of Krampus decor and black string lights and a bunch of chains hanging off a tree, and a wreath made with birch sticks (for spanking bad children) and a stocking filled with coal (or worse). And then I would mail a Krampus Cards to all my friends and have them come over and get tanked.
And then I would probably also add a pooping Christmas log and a little pooping Christmas boy, not for any reason, but just because I like poop.
Man, i really want to do this now.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:48 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
And then I would probably also add a pooping Christmas log and a little pooping Christmas boy, not for any reason, but just because I like poop.
Man, i really want to do this now.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 9:48 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Die Hard
In a double feature with The Lion in Winter
posted by KathrynT at 10:09 PM on December 1, 2015
In a double feature with The Lion in Winter
posted by KathrynT at 10:09 PM on December 1, 2015
Caetano Veloso - In the Hot Sun of a Christmas Day
A little background.
Winechuggers - [I Was] Drunk (On Christmas)
Palace Songs - Christmastime In The Mountains
The Walkmen - No Christmas While I'm Talking
Okkervil River - Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas
*sob*
posted by hydrophonic at 10:48 PM on December 1, 2015
A little background.
Winechuggers - [I Was] Drunk (On Christmas)
Palace Songs - Christmastime In The Mountains
The Walkmen - No Christmas While I'm Talking
Okkervil River - Listening to Otis Redding at Home During Christmas
*sob*
posted by hydrophonic at 10:48 PM on December 1, 2015
Edward Scissorhands plus whatever indulgently bitter thing (cocktail, maybe, or dark chocolate) you'd like to treat yourself with. Wearing all black, elegantly evil looking clothing and going out into the kitschy nonsense for espresso, feeling superior to the schmaltzy, stressful sentimentality all around you. Spending the money you would've used on a present for your ex on a massage or some other deliciously selfish treat. Serious housecleaning and tidying, revelling in the lack of consumerist clutter and nostalgia getting in the way of your fresh new year.
posted by Edna Million at 11:33 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Edna Million at 11:33 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
You should get your hands on a children's book called, Father Christmas. In our house it's called "Blooming Christmas!" because it's British and it's about a very cranky Santa Claus who spends most of the book complaining about Christmas and all of the work entailed: "Bloomin' presents!" "Bloomin' reindeer!" "Bloomin' sleigh!" "Bloomin' chimneys!"
posted by colfax at 3:23 AM on December 2, 2015
posted by colfax at 3:23 AM on December 2, 2015
The X-files episode The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas! It's nicely cynical, esp about relationships.
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 3:50 AM on December 2, 2015
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 3:50 AM on December 2, 2015
The Dead is a short story you can read in one sitting. It is an Epiphany fest story.
posted by bdc34 at 6:44 AM on December 2, 2015
posted by bdc34 at 6:44 AM on December 2, 2015
Metachat.org has gotten less lively, but there are still nice people hanging out there. Come visit, post, swap some holiday music, and help make it fun.
posted by theora55 at 7:59 AM on December 2, 2015
posted by theora55 at 7:59 AM on December 2, 2015
Vandals, Oi to the World, skipping the transphobic "My First Xmas (As a Woman)"
Three Days of the Condor is set at Christmas, and has a nice 70s big-government paranoia that seems less far-fetched now than it did in the 80s.
posted by JawnBigboote at 8:32 AM on December 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Three Days of the Condor is set at Christmas, and has a nice 70s big-government paranoia that seems less far-fetched now than it did in the 80s.
posted by JawnBigboote at 8:32 AM on December 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Krampus comes out Friday, btw.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:39 AM on December 2, 2015
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:39 AM on December 2, 2015
Songs:
Joni Mitchell - River
Sufjan Stevens - Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It.)
posted by bobafet at 8:48 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Joni Mitchell - River
Sufjan Stevens - Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It.)
posted by bobafet at 8:48 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
A Very Scary Solstice (playlist)
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 10:01 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 10:01 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Music: not the Blue Christmas you know, but the Miles Davis Blue Christmas.
posted by kristi at 10:42 AM on December 2, 2015
When you're blue at Xmas timeDetails at jazz.com
You see through all the waste
All the sham, all the haste
And plain old bad taste.
posted by kristi at 10:42 AM on December 2, 2015
At the lighter end of the spectrum, how about Monty Python's Life of Brian? Also, new Doctor Who has Christmas episodes that are nicely non-sentimental (I think there's one with shooting Santas and an exploding Christmas tree) and that are mostly stand-alone stories.
posted by rjs at 12:14 PM on December 2, 2015
posted by rjs at 12:14 PM on December 2, 2015
Seriously, just watch Die Hard on a loop.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:14 PM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:14 PM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Warren Ellis is a perfect purge for grouchiness. I'm particularly reminded of the short story "Edgy Winter" from his graphic novel series Transmetropolitan [previously]. Like the rest of the series, "Edgy Winter" is angry and foul-mouthed and filthy and ultimately strangely optimistic.
Another Transmet Christmas special, "Next Winters", is online here.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:06 PM on December 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another Transmet Christmas special, "Next Winters", is online here.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:06 PM on December 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Lion in Winter is my favorite Christmas movie - black comedy with edged weapons. There's the classic film, and also a 2003 version with Patrick Stewart.
posted by backstitch at 5:05 PM on December 2, 2015
posted by backstitch at 5:05 PM on December 2, 2015
About 5 years ago I had a breakin and had my laptop stolen. With it went ten years worth of emails, pictures, and things I'd written - including my first pictures of my niece, emails from an old boyfriend, and drafts of essays - which I will never see again, because I foolishly wasn't backing anything up then.
The only thing that finally cheered me up (after I issued a rallying cry for people to send me some copies and drafts of things they'd sent me over the years) was stumbling upon the song Merry F*%#-ing Christmas by Dennis Leary.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on December 4, 2015
The only thing that finally cheered me up (after I issued a rallying cry for people to send me some copies and drafts of things they'd sent me over the years) was stumbling upon the song Merry F*%#-ing Christmas by Dennis Leary.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on December 4, 2015
Peep Show's "Seasonal Beatings" is a wonderfully bleak portrait of a tense and unhappy Christmas. Enjoy!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:53 PM on December 5, 2015
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:53 PM on December 5, 2015
Response by poster: From the safe distance of a month later, thanks for the suggestions!! I enjoyed many of them and even managed to (gasp) enjoy myself at various junctures of the holiday season. I hope all your 2016s are decidedly non-grinchy.
posted by superfluousm at 11:11 AM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by superfluousm at 11:11 AM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sweetkid at 1:18 PM on December 1, 2015 [13 favorites]