What are some resources about child on child sexual abuse?
November 30, 2015 11:32 PM Subscribe
What are some resources to help parents deal with child-on-child sexual abuse? Trigger Warning: details of the incident inside.
On Thanksgiving my wife discovered my preschool aged daughter having her genitals fondled by a cousin only a couple years older than she is. My school-aged son was also present, and both he and my daughter were trying to get the cousin to stop. Since then my daughter, and to a lesser extent my son, has been showing signs of trauma. Both of our kids say this was first time this had happened.
We're working on getting both kids into counseling, and are considering it for ourselves. We have also contacted the cousin's parents to get together without the kids and talk to them about the incident. These are close family members, and we'd like to be able to keep spending time with them, but obviously my daughter's safety and emotional well being come first. So if she doesn't want to see the cousin at family gatherings, we won't go. Also, we're trying to figure out what steps the parents can take that would make us feel like they're treating this as seriously as it deserves, I know we can't force them to do anything, but it will effect how we deal with things in the future. Mostly though we're just trying to figure out how to help my daughter be as happy and healthy as possible.
Are there any especially good resources about how to handle this situation as parents?
I also have set up an e-mail at throwawayabuseask@gmail.com if you need to contact me.
On Thanksgiving my wife discovered my preschool aged daughter having her genitals fondled by a cousin only a couple years older than she is. My school-aged son was also present, and both he and my daughter were trying to get the cousin to stop. Since then my daughter, and to a lesser extent my son, has been showing signs of trauma. Both of our kids say this was first time this had happened.
We're working on getting both kids into counseling, and are considering it for ourselves. We have also contacted the cousin's parents to get together without the kids and talk to them about the incident. These are close family members, and we'd like to be able to keep spending time with them, but obviously my daughter's safety and emotional well being come first. So if she doesn't want to see the cousin at family gatherings, we won't go. Also, we're trying to figure out what steps the parents can take that would make us feel like they're treating this as seriously as it deserves, I know we can't force them to do anything, but it will effect how we deal with things in the future. Mostly though we're just trying to figure out how to help my daughter be as happy and healthy as possible.
Are there any especially good resources about how to handle this situation as parents?
I also have set up an e-mail at throwawayabuseask@gmail.com if you need to contact me.
Your legal and therapy options will vary depending on your location. You should talk to a family lawyer and a child therapist who is willing to talk hypothetically if they are - very likely if you are in a developed country - mandated reporting country - about what happens if you disclose the incident and seek help. You may end up triggering investigations that are very much worth and need to be triggered, or investigations that retraumatize and jepordize the safety of the children involved. You have to get more information first. It really really varies.
The good news is that it's very likely your kids, if it was the first time, are more or as upset by your (reasonable and lovingly meant - I've been there) distress, and that they will with help be able to see this as a single unhappy incident and not a Big Trauma if they get a kind and thoughtful therapist who helps them contextualise it and not make it a big deal. It seems like it's the repeated incidents and secrecy and shaming that combines with the violations to make abuse effects so lasting.
I have a copy of Routledge's "Children and Young People Who Sexually Abuse Others: Current developments and practice responses", a reader for social workers and people working with children who abuse children, which is a fairly standard text for this, but I would not recommend getting a copy currently - maybe later when you've found a therapist you have to talk to about the questions and discussions involved. I highly recommend one or two family therapy sessions for yourselves as parents. It sounds like you've got your kids' backs, but you're bracing for a backlash from family members when you correctly stand up for them and the other child's parents are unwilling or complicit in the crisis.
The other factor is - is that other child or are there other children accessible to this child currently highly at risk? You've protected your children. At some point, you have to take a deep breath and decide what you'll do for your nephew and those other children.
He's done something terribly wrong, and he's a child. And if his parents aren't protecting him, then who else is going to?
Maybe it can't be you because it hurts too much, I've been there too. But maybe you will be able to tell someone or get someone else to do something. You have to decide what you can live with as a choice, once your own children are safe.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:47 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The good news is that it's very likely your kids, if it was the first time, are more or as upset by your (reasonable and lovingly meant - I've been there) distress, and that they will with help be able to see this as a single unhappy incident and not a Big Trauma if they get a kind and thoughtful therapist who helps them contextualise it and not make it a big deal. It seems like it's the repeated incidents and secrecy and shaming that combines with the violations to make abuse effects so lasting.
I have a copy of Routledge's "Children and Young People Who Sexually Abuse Others: Current developments and practice responses", a reader for social workers and people working with children who abuse children, which is a fairly standard text for this, but I would not recommend getting a copy currently - maybe later when you've found a therapist you have to talk to about the questions and discussions involved. I highly recommend one or two family therapy sessions for yourselves as parents. It sounds like you've got your kids' backs, but you're bracing for a backlash from family members when you correctly stand up for them and the other child's parents are unwilling or complicit in the crisis.
The other factor is - is that other child or are there other children accessible to this child currently highly at risk? You've protected your children. At some point, you have to take a deep breath and decide what you'll do for your nephew and those other children.
He's done something terribly wrong, and he's a child. And if his parents aren't protecting him, then who else is going to?
Maybe it can't be you because it hurts too much, I've been there too. But maybe you will be able to tell someone or get someone else to do something. You have to decide what you can live with as a choice, once your own children are safe.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:47 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are a number of organizations who specialize in counseling for children who have experienced sexual abuse, and if you google child sexual abuse counseling, you might find one in your area. Processing the experience with a trained counselor can be enormously helpful, and you might want to consider counseling yourself to help you cope with your feelings around this very, very difficult issue.
There are also some good resources here: Link
posted by odayoday at 10:57 AM on December 1, 2015
There are also some good resources here: Link
posted by odayoday at 10:57 AM on December 1, 2015
Please don't put the burden of seeing/not seeing family on your daughter. That is not her decision to make - it is a decision you make as her parent and her protector. Putting your children in the presence of unsafe people tells them that those people are safe, or that anything that happens is the child's responsibility to stop.
My local family planning organisation (Australia) has resources and counsellors who specialise in this. It is the most common form of child sexual abuse according to one researcher I know.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:41 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
My local family planning organisation (Australia) has resources and counsellors who specialise in this. It is the most common form of child sexual abuse according to one researcher I know.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:41 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
I would just like to say you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, bring your children to a family event that this cousin or his parents will be attending. I'm not sure how many adults would be able to handle that kind of stress well, never mind a child. Your children's safety come before however close you would personally like to remain to this family. Putting your children through that could re-traumatize them and cause lifelong damage their trust in you.
I don't know your family but I would be very skeptical that the parents are equipped to handle this.
posted by blackzinfandel at 9:56 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't know your family but I would be very skeptical that the parents are equipped to handle this.
posted by blackzinfandel at 9:56 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
My suggestion would be to get a counselor to lead you through this process, not just support you. Your family has been traumatized and I would get helpt to you don't have to figure out how big a deal this is on your own. Also, how you handle the trauma matters and I'd want expert advice on that to minimize the impact on your kids. Find a child therapist experienced with sexual abuse, meet with them to make sure its a good fit, and go from there. This is not a do-it-yourself project. I'm not in any way catastrophizing it. It not the end of the world. It will be fine. I'm just saying talk to someone who knows about it to help both with your children and the family dynamics.
posted by orsonet at 3:31 PM on December 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by orsonet at 3:31 PM on December 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by stormyteal at 12:27 AM on December 1, 2015 [10 favorites]